Getting out of the Language that let's you say Nothing

This enlightening episode addresses the challenges of communicating genuine emotions in a world overflowing with therapeutic language, urging listeners to embrace self-honesty and authenticity. By dissecting the gap between learned jargon and real feelings, we explore the importance of candid emotional expression as a pathway to personal growth.

• The prevalence of intellectualising emotions and its impact on communication 
• Importance of self-honesty and confronting deeper feelings 
• Recognising and addressing fears of loneliness and inadequacy 
• The role of unhealthy coping mechanisms in avoiding feelings 
• The significance of using real language to articulate emotions 
• Encouragement to embrace vulnerability in emotional exchanges

If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave me a review and subscribe! And if you want to learn more from me, come and say hello on Instagram @thecompletioncoach or via email at wendy@thecompletioncoach.co.uk or find out more about working with me on my website, thecompletioncoach.co.uk.

Transcript

Exploring Self-Honesty Through Language

Speaker 1 0:01

Welcome to , and what Else , the podcast with me , wendy O'Byrne , also known as the Completion Coach , and today I want to talk about the language of saying nothing . And I found this shows up now because there are so many bits of information online with therapy , speak , so much personal development , language conversations around the nervous system and essentially , any time we intellectualize our experience instead of saying how we actually feel , we bypass it again . And for a lot of people that I work with , certainly they've spent a lifetime trying to avoid dealing with their emotions . They've spent a lifetime not acknowledging or giving them any airtime and intellectualizing their feelings has been just a natural course of life for them . And my fear is there's all of this education out there now about regulation , about attachment styles , about masculine and feminine energetics , about so many different things fight or flight . We're hearing people talk about the parasympathetic system . We're hearing all kinds of words and education , and the people who were most susceptible to intellectualizing their feelings before now have another layer of being able to do that again , but they are convincing themselves , they're sharing , they're convincing themselves . They are going to feel the feelings , but they're just using a language now which enables them to still say nothing , and by that . I've heard heard people say I'm dysregulated or I'm anxious and I'm in fight or flight . I just need to breathe through it and don't get me wrong , that's the whole point of an education on these things is that at some point that stuff is valuable . But what I really want to know is what are you actually experiencing ? And when we can get into that to the truth , people will say things that they believe make them sound childish or silly , or things that they want to apologize for . So they'll say things like I'm freaking out because I don't think anybody likes me . I'm freaking out because I've just done a project that went really badly . I'm not sure that what I just did was any good and it's too late . I can't change it Because that's something real .

Speaker 1 2:42

That's the first part we want to get to self-honesty . What are you actually having a reaction to what's going on in this moment ? That's coming up , it becomes tangible and actually that thing that sounds silly , that sounds ridiculous , that you don't want to say deserves the airtime , say deserves the airtime because when we get into it and give it that validation , this is what's happening , even if it sounds silly , before we try to breathe our way out of it , before we intellectualize it , before we apply anything to it . We just let it exist . Then we get to know it like what ? What does it feel like when you get things wrong or when nobody likes you ? What's coming up straight away ? And then the next response that's honest are words like I'm a mess , everybody hates me , people are gonna figure out I'm rubbish . And if we go a little bit deeper , like if you're rubbish , what's , what's underneath that ? And we get to words like if people knew who I really was , they'd run them all , I'll be alone .

Speaker 1 4:06

Again all kinds of things come out which again , people feel silly saying but that thing that on the surface is the thing that you need to work through . It's actually this real fear and denying it , of loneliness , of abandonment , of not being good enough . And when we look at that and just go okay , let's take a minute with it . Yes , breathe , let yourself know you're safe to explore this right now . Yes , let's find it in the body . Yes , let's start describing that as well .

Speaker 1 4:44

But where else in your life right now feels a bit lonely ? And you know , people get the chance to go whoa , hold on . There's quite a few places . I don't tell anyone what's really going on . I feel really irrelevant . In half of the rooms I'm in I want to contribute . I don't tell anyone what's really going on . I feel really irrelevant . In half of the rooms I'm in I want to contribute , but I don't think I'm good enough . I want to do this or that , but I don't think I really belong . Everybody else just seems to get it , everybody else is fine , and underneath that we can see , okay , I think I'm different , different , or I've always felt like I don't belong and that that's the bit that hurts , that's the bit that's painful , that's the bit where we rather go . Where's that in the body ? How do you experience that ?

Speaker 1 5:37

If you were to try to let it in and feel it a little bit , what does that actually feel like and what do you usually do to make that feeling go away ? And that could be a whole host of things . That could be I spend money . That could be I make jokes . That could be I drink alcohol , I smoke cigarettes . That could be I do things to prove I'm good . That could be I work even harder , I put in more hours . That could be a whole host of ways and means that you would go about trying not to feel that feeling and what we're teaching ourselves in that moment is the only way I can stop feeling this is to do all of these other things Rather than I am safe to feel these things and understand them and then start to do the work there so that we can start to move through it and change it . Because what we don't want to do is reinforce the training that has already happened inside your system , which is saying I need to achieve more , I need to do more , I need to achieve more , I need to do more , I need to prove more . What we want to do is let the feelings in , safely experience ourselves to then realize that actually I don't want to rely on that performance of jokes , I don't want to rely on the crutches I've been using to not feel this feeling . I'm just going to get into this feeling and I'm going to look to help myself change . But to do it we need to use the truth .

Speaker 1 7:34

Self-honesty requires us to use language to explore what we're feeling , even though the words might seem childish , even though the whole thing might feel unproductive and I know you hate feeling unproductive even though you just want to get to the end and for it to be done so you can move on . This is a practice and it's a practice for life . But if you start intellectualizing your feelings again by using language that is not your normal language . It is not normal for somebody to say I'm in fight or flight . It is not normal for us to be talking about being in rest and digest . It is not normal for us to be talking about being in rest and digest . It's not normal for us to be talking about our attachment styles or any of that stuff .

Speaker 1 8:19

The way that we are constantly as if with some kind of textbook example or something constantly to be fixed , we're really not , with something to be experienced which is all of our feelings , which is all of our thoughts , which is all of our beliefs , which is our identity , which is all of it , so that we can live a fuller life , a more explored life within ourselves , a life where we actually were more of ourselves . Because that is the elusive purpose you are looking for in a job . You're not here to prove yourself through some career path , to tell me how brilliant you are . Your purpose is to have explored yourself fully , to really identify more of you . What brings you joy ? What lights you up ? What do you find really easy ? Actually , what ways do you express yourself that aren't just for outcomes , because when people say things like I'm triggered , it says nothing .

Speaker 1 9:25

When somebody says , oh I'm , I'm a bit avoidant , you're saying nothing . And if you say someone overstepped my boundaries , it's another way of saying nothing . We need to get underneath it to say things that we really need to say , that are messy , that might sound silly , that might sound childish , because that's the truth and that's what's actually going to help you really understand yourself and move through it . It's going to create agility . Yes , there are tools from this education piece being able to manage your state , being able to regulate yourself , being able to find your breath for calm , to regulate yourself , being able to find your breath for calm Amazing tools . That's what I work on with people . Yeah , I'm not dismissing any of the tools , because they're vital in helping you make changes in real life .

Authentic Communication Over Education Defensiveness

Speaker 1 10:27

All I am saying is don't use the education to hide behind it . Don't let it become your whole identity to speak in language that you've never used before . Don't let it become a shield that keeps you from saying anything that's fucking real , because this isn't really sharing . Saying I'm triggered isn't sharing . Saying I'm triggered isn't sharing saying I feel sick to my stomach because I'm so embarrassed and I want to disappear . I feel ridiculous right now and I , oh I can't even bear the idea of it .

Speaker 1 11:07

That's sharing , and then we get underneath as to where it is , what it's bringing up and all the rest a bit , but don't skip the part where you say something . I want this to bring back real words and stop trying to sound like you know the most . Let's get out of the language of saying nothing and actually say something . Let's say something , let's say something and whatever you do , don't follow saying something that you really want to say . With an apology for sounding stupid , say things . That's it for today . I will be back next week , but sending you lots of love , as always , you can dm me at the completion coach on instagram or email me wendy at the completion coachcouk . Sending lots of love .