And What Else?
Welcome to 'And What Else?', your source for thoughtful and meaningful conversations about personal and professional growth. Host Wendy O'Beirne is an internationally recognised coach and consultant with a passion for exploring the layers of topics surrounding self-development. Together, we'll dig beneath the surface of subjects, stories, and possible solutions to uncover new perspectives we may not have seen before. With curiosity and open minds, let's embark on an adventure of self-discovery and uncover the possibilities of 'and what else'. Stay Curious!
And What Else?
Getting out of the Language that let's you say Nothing
This enlightening episode addresses the challenges of communicating genuine emotions in a world overflowing with therapeutic language, urging listeners to embrace self-honesty and authenticity. By dissecting the gap between learned jargon and real feelings, we explore the importance of candid emotional expression as a pathway to personal growth.
• The prevalence of intellectualising emotions and its impact on communication
• Importance of self-honesty and confronting deeper feelings
• Recognising and addressing fears of loneliness and inadequacy
• The role of unhealthy coping mechanisms in avoiding feelings
• The significance of using real language to articulate emotions
• Encouragement to embrace vulnerability in emotional exchanges
If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave me a review and subscribe! And if you want to learn more from me, come and say hello on Instagram @thecompletioncoach or via email at wendy@thecompletioncoach.co.uk or find out more about working with me on my website, thecompletioncoach.co.uk.
Welcome to, and what Else, the podcast with me, wendy O'Byrne, also known as the Completion Coach, and today I want to talk about the language of saying nothing. And I found this shows up now because there are so many bits of information online with therapy, speak, so much personal development, language conversations around the nervous system and essentially, any time we intellectualize our experience instead of saying how we actually feel, we bypass it again. And for a lot of people that I work with, certainly they've spent a lifetime trying to avoid dealing with their emotions. They've spent a lifetime not acknowledging or giving them any airtime and intellectualizing their feelings has been just a natural course of life for them. And my fear is there's all of this education out there now about regulation, about attachment styles, about masculine and feminine energetics, about so many different things fight or flight. We're hearing people talk about the parasympathetic system. We're hearing all kinds of words and education, and the people who were most susceptible to intellectualizing their feelings before now have another layer of being able to do that again, but they are convincing themselves, they're sharing, they're convincing themselves. They are going to feel the feelings, but they're just using a language now which enables them to still say nothing, and by that. I've heard heard people say I'm dysregulated or I'm anxious and I'm in fight or flight. I just need to breathe through it and don't get me wrong, that's the whole point of an education on these things is that at some point that stuff is valuable. But what I really want to know is what are you actually experiencing? And when we can get into that to the truth, people will say things that they believe make them sound childish or silly, or things that they want to apologize for. So they'll say things like I'm freaking out because I don't think anybody likes me. I'm freaking out because I've just done a project that went really badly. I'm not sure that what I just did was any good and it's too late. I can't change it Because that's something real.
Speaker 1:That's the first part we want to get to self-honesty. What are you actually having a reaction to what's going on in this moment? That's coming up, it becomes tangible and actually that thing that sounds silly, that sounds ridiculous, that you don't want to say deserves the airtime, say deserves the airtime because when we get into it and give it that validation, this is what's happening, even if it sounds silly, before we try to breathe our way out of it, before we intellectualize it, before we apply anything to it. We just let it exist. Then we get to know it like what? What does it feel like when you get things wrong or when nobody likes you? What's coming up straight away? And then the next response that's honest are words like I'm a mess, everybody hates me, people are gonna figure out I'm rubbish. And if we go a little bit deeper, like if you're rubbish, what's, what's underneath that? And we get to words like if people knew who I really was, they'd run them all, I'll be alone.
Speaker 1:Again all kinds of things come out which again, people feel silly saying but that thing that on the surface is the thing that you need to work through. It's actually this real fear and denying it, of loneliness, of abandonment, of not being good enough. And when we look at that and just go okay, let's take a minute with it. Yes, breathe, let yourself know you're safe to explore this right now. Yes, let's find it in the body. Yes, let's start describing that as well.
Speaker 1:But where else in your life right now feels a bit lonely? And you know, people get the chance to go whoa, hold on. There's quite a few places. I don't tell anyone what's really going on. I feel really irrelevant. In half of the rooms I'm in I want to contribute. I don't tell anyone what's really going on. I feel really irrelevant. In half of the rooms I'm in I want to contribute, but I don't think I'm good enough. I want to do this or that, but I don't think I really belong. Everybody else just seems to get it, everybody else is fine, and underneath that we can see, okay, I think I'm different, different, or I've always felt like I don't belong and that that's the bit that hurts, that's the bit that's painful, that's the bit where we rather go. Where's that in the body? How do you experience that?
Speaker 1:If you were to try to let it in and feel it a little bit, what does that actually feel like and what do you usually do to make that feeling go away? And that could be a whole host of things. That could be I spend money. That could be I make jokes. That could be I drink alcohol, I smoke cigarettes. That could be I do things to prove I'm good. That could be I work even harder, I put in more hours. That could be a whole host of ways and means that you would go about trying not to feel that feeling and what we're teaching ourselves in that moment is the only way I can stop feeling this is to do all of these other things Rather than I am safe to feel these things and understand them and then start to do the work there so that we can start to move through it and change it. Because what we don't want to do is reinforce the training that has already happened inside your system, which is saying I need to achieve more, I need to do more, I need to achieve more, I need to do more, I need to prove more. What we want to do is let the feelings in, safely experience ourselves to then realize that actually I don't want to rely on that performance of jokes, I don't want to rely on the crutches I've been using to not feel this feeling. I'm just going to get into this feeling and I'm going to look to help myself change. But to do it we need to use the truth.
Speaker 1:Self-honesty requires us to use language to explore what we're feeling, even though the words might seem childish, even though the whole thing might feel unproductive and I know you hate feeling unproductive even though you just want to get to the end and for it to be done so you can move on. This is a practice and it's a practice for life. But if you start intellectualizing your feelings again by using language that is not your normal language. It is not normal for somebody to say I'm in fight or flight. It is not normal for us to be talking about being in rest and digest. It is not normal for us to be talking about being in rest and digest. It's not normal for us to be talking about our attachment styles or any of that stuff.
Speaker 1:The way that we are constantly as if with some kind of textbook example or something constantly to be fixed, we're really not, with something to be experienced which is all of our feelings, which is all of our thoughts, which is all of our beliefs, which is our identity, which is all of it, so that we can live a fuller life, a more explored life within ourselves, a life where we actually were more of ourselves. Because that is the elusive purpose you are looking for in a job. You're not here to prove yourself through some career path, to tell me how brilliant you are. Your purpose is to have explored yourself fully, to really identify more of you. What brings you joy? What lights you up? What do you find really easy? Actually, what ways do you express yourself that aren't just for outcomes, because when people say things like I'm triggered, it says nothing.
Speaker 1:When somebody says, oh I'm, I'm a bit avoidant, you're saying nothing. And if you say someone overstepped my boundaries, it's another way of saying nothing. We need to get underneath it to say things that we really need to say, that are messy, that might sound silly, that might sound childish, because that's the truth and that's what's actually going to help you really understand yourself and move through it. It's going to create agility. Yes, there are tools from this education piece being able to manage your state, being able to regulate yourself, being able to find your breath for calm, to regulate yourself, being able to find your breath for calm Amazing tools. That's what I work on with people. Yeah, I'm not dismissing any of the tools, because they're vital in helping you make changes in real life.
Speaker 1:All I am saying is don't use the education to hide behind it. Don't let it become your whole identity to speak in language that you've never used before. Don't let it become a shield that keeps you from saying anything that's fucking real, because this isn't really sharing. Saying I'm triggered isn't sharing. Saying I'm triggered isn't sharing saying I feel sick to my stomach because I'm so embarrassed and I want to disappear. I feel ridiculous right now and I, oh I can't even bear the idea of it.
Speaker 1:That's sharing, and then we get underneath as to where it is, what it's bringing up and all the rest a bit, but don't skip the part where you say something. I want this to bring back real words and stop trying to sound like you know the most. Let's get out of the language of saying nothing and actually say something. Let's say something, let's say something and whatever you do, don't follow saying something that you really want to say. With an apology for sounding stupid, say things. That's it for today. I will be back next week, but sending you lots of love, as always, you can dm me at the completion coach on instagram or email me wendy at the completion coachcouk. Sending lots of love.