And What Else?
Welcome to 'And What Else?', your source for thoughtful and meaningful conversations about personal and professional growth. Host Wendy O'Beirne is an internationally recognised coach and consultant with a passion for exploring the layers of topics surrounding self-development. Together, we'll dig beneath the surface of subjects, stories, and possible solutions to uncover new perspectives we may not have seen before. With curiosity and open minds, let's embark on an adventure of self-discovery and uncover the possibilities of 'and what else'. Stay Curious!
And What Else?
The Energy Gap: When Values and Actions Don't Align
Our energy and nervous system drive our behavior far more than the values we claim to hold, creating a disconnect between what we say matters and where we actually spend our time and focus.
• Stated values often contradict actual behaviors due to unconscious safety mechanisms
• Nervous system creates safety behaviors based on past experiences that worked for survival
• High achievers typically oscillate between wounded masculine energy (pushing, controlling) and wounded feminine energy (avoiding, self-doubt)
• Fight/flight/freeze responses consume enormous energy compared to the connected "green zone"
• Looking at behaviors through lens of safety rather than judgment creates compassion
• Rewiring requires building capacity for new energy states through small, consistent actions
• Safety-building practices include creating space in schedules, somatic work, and sensory activities
• When nervous system feels safe, masculine energy leads with presence (not control) and feminine energy flows with trust
• Identity shifts when no longer operating from survival patterns
• Becoming more connected to your body creates ripple effects of compassion for self and others
If you found this episode interesting, please forward it to someone who might benefit or leave a review. My DMs are open at @thecompletioncoach on Instagram or you can email me directly.
If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave me a review and subscribe! And if you want to learn more from me, come and say hello on Instagram @thecompletioncoach or via email at wendy@thecompletioncoach.co.uk or find out more about working with me on my website, thecompletioncoach.co.uk.
Welcome to, and what Else, the podcast with me, wendy O'Byrne, also known as the Completion Coach, and today I want to talk about the values we claim we have versus the energy that drives us, because we all can sit down and do values exercises and the values that we want to write down and the values we want to live by tend to sound like integrity, trust, balance, love, freedom, all of those things. But what I like to look at with clients is what they look like on paper and what they sound like from the place of declaring them compared to the reality of them in our lives, because what we can look at is where we actually put our time, energy and focus, and it's generally a really different story, the reason being we're not driven by what we consciously believe. It's such a small part of how we behave. We are driven by our unconscious, subconscious nervous system, energetic state. We are wired, and I know that's something that you have heard, probably many, many times, but what we must realize is our nervous system believes certain things are safe because they have worked in our favor at some point before, and so we're now reliant upon that behavior to try to create safety all of the time. And so if your nervous system learned at a young age that if you just carried on, if you pushed, if you proved something one more time, if you tried to micromanage and control the energy and the room for everybody else, if it learned that when you relaxed, bad things happened, when you took the eye off the ball, something emotionally blew up, if you learned that being the smallest version of yourself was the best way to not cause problems, the smallest version of yourself was the best way to not cause problems, if you learned that the less people saw you, the less that you got any unwanted attention, be that bullying, be that people just looking at you all kinds of things that can make us feel unsafe. If all of that created safety at some point, then what we might also have learned is that if we avoided conversations, if we avoided people, if we avoided anything talking about helpful by being quiet, all of those things may have created what we deemed to be safety, and so your safety system will then create further ways for you to micromanage, avoid, delay decisions, numb out, overgive, even when you say that you value something else. So we're going to dive into what actually drives you and how that relates to your masculine and feminine energy, your nervous systems wiring and how to reconnect so you can stop living out of the patterns that you're not consciously choosing. And just getting a snapshot of your reality is really helpful. So writing down what you value For example, if somebody says that one of their biggest values is family or love or connection and yet they spend 90% of their work driven trying to do more working more, being out of the house more it's not because they're a bad person.
Speaker 1:It's because their nervous system's behavior is doing that to create what they think is safety within the family unit. When people say they value trust and integrity but they're massively people-pleasing, which by default has to create some lies, because people pleasing means that you have to be agreeable, you have to do things that you don't want to do, you have to say things that you don't necessarily believe in. In all of that, you start operating from fear and control, not trust and integrity. Now you value it because it's like this delicious, glorious thing that you want in your life, but you're not operating from it because it doesn't feel very safe to work from a place of perhaps being really honest, perhaps being really vulnerable. Those things take trust and integrity, but they may not feel safe. So our values can't lead us or lead our behavior. And figuring out our values isn't necessarily a great exercise on a standalone basis Understanding what they are, what they mean to you, how they are displayed outwardly, how they are displayed internally, what your actual behavior is, where your time and energy goes, and why that feels safe. Because your nervous system and your energy is deciding moment to moment what is safe.
Speaker 1:If you grew up in an environment that was really emotionally explosive, where people had big emotions, big outcomes, big spurts, and then things just went back to normal but nothing was ever discussed. There was no amount of you seeing how this was then repaired, then what you will know is not discussing things is the safest way to go about things. What that will also do is mean that it's probably better to be distracted and busy and to stay out of things than it is to ask people even what's going on or if they're okay. If doing things, being good, being quiet, keeping out of the way, being useful all of those things got you some sort of validation, or if you trying to micromanage other people's behavior by shifting your own behavior felt safe, then the body is equating those things with survival to survival, even though in your head it may not make logical sense. And if you lazing around led to punishment, if you being slower than the rest of the class got you pointed out, if you being lost in a race, if you being somebody that couldn't finish the book, if you being somebody that was never on time, then all of these would have come with some idea of punishment, failure, rejection, and this makes slowing down feel like the thing that's unsafe, even if you consciously crave it. If you ever took your eye off of the ball and then there was an emotional outburst because you took it on board to believe it was you not managing the situation that created the outburst, rather than the fact that you're allowed to not manage everybody's emotions, then you're going to have a real control element which again feels that if you slow down and take a break or just take your eye off of the ball, then something bad might happen.
Speaker 1:So when we're doing any kind of values work, really understanding the entire map, rather than what the list of those values are and what you want them to mean in your life, is really, really important. And that map involves what you want them to be. Where all of your time and energy goes to and the reality of what's happening in your life. Energy goes to and the reality of what's happening in your life, what feels safe and unsafe and what all of your beliefs and conditioning is that has got you to behaving in a way that doesn't actually represent what you would love to be representing and how you would love to be living. And if we take the energetic side of things, the masculine energy, yang energy, the healthy representation of that is grounded, leadership, focused action, confident action and structure. It can hold. It can hold the creativity, it can hold the space and the time and the direction of things.
Speaker 1:The wounded, masculine and I did a whole episode on this back in October that's the controlling, micromanaging, overworking, overthinking, overproductive, driven from there. And again, that's not because you're a bad person or you're wounded, it is your internal system picking up on tiny, tiny wounds that happened on repeat to you, or even big ones, and in that, unconsciously, your body was forming a picture of safety and you didn't actually see natural leadership, visibility, that healthy, healthy masculine energy in people and the same with feminine, the yin, which is in its healthiest state surrender, trust, intuition, creativity, flow, connection, sensuality, love. And in the wounded, it's overgiving, it's complete people pleasing, it's complete avoidance, it's shutting down, it's stopping you from making decisions. And actually we want to be wired for trust, we want to be wired for surrender, we want to operate from flow. But if your feminine energy doesn't feel safe, then swinging into those wounded behaviors is again going to be the thing that we are doing as a protective measure.
Speaker 1:So most high achievers, most self-sufficient people, most people who cannot switch off, who are overly productive, who are pushing themselves all of the time and exhausted, are not doing it because they want to do it and they're stuck in a wounded masculine cycle of pushing and proving and doing and micromanaging, then swinging too far into the wounded feminine of avoidance, stagnation and self-doubt. They'll swing between the two of them because they can't find that internal balance of safety. And it is just an internal balance of safety. It is not fixing yourself Ways. You will hear about it in the nervous system. We're just relating this in is sort of your fight or flight is either you're overactive masculine, pushing harder, proving yourself, micromanaging, move, move, move.
Speaker 1:Your flight response can be your overactive feminine who's overthinking, who's self-doubting, who's trying to avoid responsibility, wants to get out. Let me out. I can't stand it. And your free shutdown, disconnection, will lead to that numbness, the burnout and exhaustion of those two being so active in your life. Active in your life. And this, again, is not because we're going to get you to that connected part in your nervous system where everything feels like it's expansive and connected and really feels deeply safe.
Speaker 1:What we want to do is see how much time you spend in each, just as a rough guide. How much of the time do I feel safe? Do I feel connected? Do I feel confident? Do I feel calm? Do I feel curious? Do I hit into all of these words? And how often is my energy like, oh, keep going, got to go, haven't got time, must push on, I'm behind, I'm a loser, I don't want to make that decision. Who am I to do this? All of that energy is you in your fight or flight? And then freeze. You know we have functional freeze and freeze.
Speaker 1:We're not going to go really deeply into all of these on this podcast, but I want you just to think about, if you gave it a percentage of your day, how much time you spend in the green, which is that connected, safe state. How much time in fight or flight. How much time is your energy really mobilized by what you should and have to and got to get on with or else, and how much of you is just completely shut down in one way or another, just can't start, can't get into it? Numbing out and just getting an idea of that as a percentage will let you see how much of that energy is being used up, because your fight or flight energy takes a lot more out of you than your connected green energy, which is quite replenishing, giving back to you. So it's also going to give you a really nice idea of how much energy is expended through this sense of safety that you're craving and trying to connect with.
Speaker 1:And you know, if you're somebody that does overwork, is it because you think if I just push a bit harder I will get there and if I get there then I will be safe? And if you're massively procrastinating and avoiding and waiting and constantly annoying yourself that you're not going yet. You need this perfect clarity before you take action. What you're also looking for is safety to take action. And if you did feel safe, what action would you take? And when you're completely shut down, if you numbing out, if you are just in a state of exhaustion, if you can't connect to any part of joy, if you're running completely on autopilot and you're not really involved in any of it.
Speaker 1:How safe would it be to be fully present in your life, to come awake in your life, to feel more connected in your life, and does that feel safe? Does that kind of connection with yourself feel safe? And when we're looking at it through this lens of safety, what we're also doing is looking at it through a lens of compassion. Rather than judging yourself of you thinking I'm failing in some way because I've got no time for the people that I really want to spend time with, I've got no time to do the things that light me up, I've got no time to look after my health. Then, instead of judging yourself for the way you are behaving, we're just looking at it through a lens of compassion of this is your route back to safety, and some things that you crave might not feel safe. And so you're not in the wrong. Your energy isn't wrong, it's just reacting to what feels safest.
Speaker 1:But the beauty of it is that you get to rewire that. Once we can acknowledge it, once we can find the patterns in it, we can start to rewire you in such a way that you can create more safety, more capacity for safety to start to shift things, and that's not to be 100% in connected and feeling good all of the time, because we do want to go through fight and flight and freeze. We just don't want them to have the majority of every day or the leadership of us. We want the green, the connected, the safety, the expansive part to have more leadership in our lives, which just means we have to just shift the percentages.
Speaker 1:So, as a little experiment, I want you to really write down those values when your energy, what areas of your life feel safe versus what feels scary or unsafe, and just try to take an idea of what that looks like at the moment, without judgment, because if you say you value peace and you spend 10 hours a day in chaotic urgency, absolutely agreeing to everything, never getting a moment to yourself gives you an excuse not to get intimate in your relationships because you're too busy, you're flying through, you're going through, then your energy pattern is wired for adrenaline, not really peace, and so it's just interesting to see then how adrenaline has created an idea that you're safe when that's fueling the body and your nervous system needs to feel safe in a new energy before it will let you stay there, before it will let you visit there for longer periods of time and change your capacity for that new feeling, that new state. So somebody telling you to rest when you're used to being driven by overworking and jumping around doing everything rest will be terrifying to your body. It will be terrifying. So it's really understanding this part of you that is terrified of rest, meeting it with some compassion, understanding it, feeling it, being able to work it through the nervous system using somatic exercises and then also taking small action and letting it know it is safe. Letting it know it's safe whether that's just putting space in your diary on purpose every day and slowing down pace, but not stopping, but slowing down the pace, putting things in your diary that are for you. Maybe that's actually factoring in journaling time, factoring in movement, factoring in walking around the park, factoring in a lunch hour, factoring in space between meetings, something along those lines that actually creates space, and just seeing how the body adjusts to there being more space and less urgency and then building your capacity from there. Emergency and then building your capacity from there.
Speaker 1:If you're somebody in complete avoidance. Then again, we need to just map this out feel the feelings that come from the avoidance, somatically, work through the body once again connecting with the nervous system, and then commit to taking 20 minutes of action a day and letting that 20 minutes of action a day and letting that 20 minutes of action a day be that starter fuel and then build your capacity for more as the safety of doing stuff becomes clear in the body. And if you're somebody that regularly goes into freeze, it is worth doing more sensory work, really being open to getting into the body. Movement, music, whether that's using essential oils, things to really just take you into the body. You could use teas, meditate with a tea, really let that sensation come into the body.
Speaker 1:It's also looking at things like cold water, saunas, things that you can be in a really sensory state, can help, because when the masculine energy starts to feel safe, it leads with presence, not control, and when the feminine energy feels safe, it flows with trust rather than overgiving or avoidance. So instead of fearing structure, it can see it as a way to hold creativity and instead of forcing yourself into different things, you can start to have a more natural expression of your energy and then you get the exciting part of your identity shift, which is, who do you become when you're no longer in survival mode? And how does this start to integrate into your nervous system, which becomes that trust, trusting you, understanding you as an adult, understanding what safety is now and shifting from these old behaviors, getting things processed in the body, getting you back into the body. You know, when people are talking about getting you back into your body, what we are saying is understanding your emotions, understanding your nervous system, understanding your subconscious, understanding your energetics. When you're looking within those pillars to really start to make change, then you start to feel safe in your own body, which is something a lot of people haven't felt.
Speaker 1:For a really long time they have been living completely in their heads. They do not get into the body, they instead scan rooms, they are looking at everything, they are hypervigilant, they are high achieving, they are high functioning. They are driven by a form of anxiety. They do not know that they have. And your energy, your nervous system, your subconscious is so much bigger than your head. It's so much bigger than just the thoughts that you have or just the way that you want to be or your logic. It's so much bigger than logic, and if it was logical, everybody would have mastered it by now. If it was logical, it would have been taught really easily.
Speaker 1:We are illogical beings.
Speaker 1:Your energy is always stronger than your words.
Speaker 1:Your nervous system is highly reactive, highly protective and doing its absolute best to keep you safe.
Speaker 1:And when you start to shift these things internally, when you get into the body, then everything starts to change within you. Your identity of your entire self can change, and that doesn't mean that you have to burn your whole life down, but it does mean that your sense of safety, your sense of security, your sense of internal balance shifts. You are more connected, you are more creative, you are able to look at things with more clarity, you are far more in your curious mind, so you're far more flexible than this rigid part of you that does the same thing all of the time, hoping for different outcomes, and you start to give yourself so much more compassion and, by default, you're far more compassionate to everybody else on the planet. And so this work is always a ripple effect out, because when we recognize everybody operates from this, then you can stop judging them, you can stop spending so much time talking about what they are doing or not doing, or how they've affected you, and have far more confidence in your abilities far more confidence in your abilities, far more trust in yourself to handle things.
Speaker 1:I will leave this one here for now. If you found this episode interesting, please forward it on to somebody that you think it might be of use to or leave a review, and if you've got any questions or want to chat, my DMs are open. It's at thecompletioncoach on Instagram or you can email.