And What Else?

Exploring the Internal Collapse: Why Rest Feels Dangerous

• Wendy O'Beirne (The Completion Coach)

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When we struggle with rest, it's often not because we don't think we deserve it, but because we fear what might happen in the stillness. This fear of "internal collapse" comes from associating rest with losing control and experiencing chaos.

• Quotes about deserving rest miss the mark for high-functioning people
• Many associate rest with letting their guard down and losing control
• The body provides data when we try to rest - tiredness or resistance
• Rest feels unsafe because of past experiences where relaxing led to problems
• Questions to ask yourself: what do I think will collapse if I rest?
• What am I trying to contain by staying busy?
• High-functioning anxiety is kept at bay through over-functioning
• People fear that without constant activity, something will unravel
• Many worry they won't recover if they actually allow themselves to collapse
• Consider where you over-function and what you're truly afraid of underneath

If you think this would be of interest to somebody else, please forward it on. You can drop me an email at wendy@thecompletioncoach.co.uk or send me a DM with your thoughts.


If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave me a review and subscribe! And if you want to learn more from me, come and say hello on Instagram @thecompletioncoach or via email at wendy@thecompletioncoach.co.uk or find out more about working with me on my website, thecompletioncoach.co.uk.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to and what Else, the podcast with me, wendy O'Byrne, also known as the Completion Coach, and today I want to talk about the internal collapse, and this is something I cover with clients a lot. It's something that I had noticed within myself and it's something that really, really gets my goat when I see the quote going around the internet that's you deserve rest, you don't have to earn it. Because, for the kind of people I work with, they're not associating rest with it being earned. It's not because they don't feel they've earned it, it's not because they don't think they deserve it, it's because they're quite afraid of what will happen in the stillness. And the reason they've got a fear around that stillness is because when they have rested before, when they have relaxed before, when they have released control over everything before, including themselves, then the very real problems have occurred in their life. There has been chaos caused by that stillness, even if it's just internal chaos that nobody else can see, and so they can't naturally rest because they've associated rest with some kind of collapse, of collapse. They've associated rest with something will happen if I let go. They see resting as letting go and it's letting go of this idea of control, because they control so much to try to make the environment something that they can thrive in, and they associate resting with losing control, with this collapse. And although you might think about a collapse as somebody you know in burnout or somebody dramatically letting all of their emotions out Collapse is actually just this idea of letting the inside to be still, of letting themselves be a little bit more peaceful, of letting themselves come into a moment where they don't have to micromanage everything, and for some people that's easy, but for other people, the idea of taking their finger off of that control will mean they might let their guard down and something bad will happen. It means that if they stop, they fear that something externally will collapse, there will be problems. They fear, if they let their guard down which is what they've associated with rest that something will sneak up on them, something bad will happen.

Speaker 1:

And so I would love you to know that if you struggle with rest and you're a little bit confused why you struggle with rest, because you crave it and you want it and you see all of these things and you think, oh yeah, like how do I get there? But actually, when you do try to rest, when you do try some methods, for example. Example, journaling, meditation, tapping, all of those things. You might find that the body just puts you to sleep and makes you really tired. You might find that you try to get into those things, but your system just kicks you out straight away and it's just like well, let's do something more productive instead. And all that is showing you is data. All it's showing you is data, and that data is showing that it doesn't feel particularly safe for you to lose control, which it has associated with rest. It has associated with you letting your guard down. It has associated with some idea of collapse that if you stop, then everything inside that you're containing will somehow leak out and there'll be problems, there'll be trouble, there'll be a loss. In some way You'll lose control of something. You'll lose whatever it is you've worked for. You will lose.

Speaker 1:

And so if you are somebody that really struggles with rest, that finds yourself numbing out with scrolling, numbing out with shopping, or finding yourself just tidying one more thing up, answering one more email, doing just one more thing, then I would urge you to sit with. I know I'm asking a lot, but I would urge you to sit with the idea of what do I think will collapse? Or what do I think I am containing by being busy? What do I think will happen if I stop containing myself? And what do I think will happen if I let my guard down, because they're really interesting questions to sit with. If you are somebody that finds it a little bit difficult to rest, if you find yourself being sneakily productive in the rest you know, reading the next self-development book, studying something, answering everybody in the group chat, being overly available to everybody else's problems, tidying up one more thing when you are in all of those protective measures, what are you trying to contain and what do you think will collapse if you don't contain them? What do you think will collapse if you don't contain them? And if you were able to just let yourself into your own body, what do you think would happen? What part of you thinks it would collapse? And in that collapse, what part of you thinks you wouldn't be able to recover, wouldn't be able to get back up, wouldn't be who you are, wouldn't have the skill sets that you've got, wouldn't have the progress that you're making, wouldn't have the connections that you've got.

Speaker 1:

Really, do get curious. Do get curious about those things because it's so interesting, so interesting when we think we're going to get caught out in some way. It's so interesting where we think that we're going to lose something or that something will go wrong or something bad will happen If we take our finger off of the control element. What is it that comes up in your body? What is the voice in your head around that, and what is it that you're trying to prevent from happening by just containing everything? Enough, just controlling everything? Enough, just keeping yourself slightly busy, even when you don't want to be? What is coming up for you in those gaps? What questions do you normally avoid answering around this work? And where do you feel it in the body?

Speaker 1:

For a lot of people it's in the chest. For a lot of people it can still be. They're slightly disassociated, but nobody in the room would know. They're just functioning and they know how to function and their fear is, if they stop functioning, that they won't get up from that. And that might sound a little bit dramatic, but it is something that a lot of people do struggle with.

Speaker 1:

Comments like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Comments like it's all a bit too good, I'm waiting for something bad to happen. Comments around being found out or losing the skill set. A lot of people come into me and will be working on some of the traits that have got them quite far in life, and I've had people actually say to me Wendy, please don't make me weak as a result of this. You know, don't take away my drive, don't take away the things that I'm really good at. And the work is never to lose our skill set. It's to see where it's working in our favor and where it's working against us, where we have associated our capabilities with the idea of being strong and the idea of being utterly at risk by rest, utterly at risk by rest, by just switching off, by this idea of the collapse.

Speaker 1:

It's a massive, massive subject and this is a really short podcast, but it is one I'd like you to sit with and I'd like you to sit with it time and time again, because it's a huge subject. That's again. Nothing is once and done. Everything is evolving as we navigate through it, as we start unraveling parts of it and that's a beautiful word for it Like what do you think will unravel? What do you think will unravel if you had true rest, time off, if you weren't there holding that group chat together, if you weren't there solving everybody else's problems, if you weren't needed, if you didn't feel constantly as if, if you don't carry it, nobody will. Where did that start? How does it show up? Start how does it show up and where is it actually depleting you? But you feel as if it's just containing you. There's a lot to ponder there and I'm going to cover this off to some degree in the all or nothing work that I'm creating at the moment.

Speaker 1:

But I would love you to really consider where you over-function, where you really struggle with the idea of collapse, and where the idea of containing and micromanaging and staying on top of things is really important to you, because most people I work with are high-functioning and they have high-functioning anxiety, which is the anxiety that if I stop over-functioning, everything will fall to pieces. It's quite interesting that a lot of people would say that they're not anxious, but they don't realize that the anxiousness is only kept at bay by the high functioning. And if they took away the high functioning underneath, that would be anxiety about what will happen if they stop functioning at that level. I'd love you to let me know what has come up for you as a result of asking those questions or pondering this from that point of view where you may be looking at somebody who's busy, who's always on, who you see as successful maybe, and you've never considered that they're over-functioning and that that drive of over-functioning is really important. You may have somebody around you who never stops and you might be in awe of them for never stopping, but they may not have considered, and you may not have considered their fear around what happens if they were to stop.

Speaker 1:

What else do they think would end? What do they think would happen, what do they think would collapse and what do they think might get out of control? Where do they feel that they have to contain everything? And in the containing of everything, what are they truly trying to contain, outside of the anxiety underneath the functioning? As always, you can drop me an email, wendyatthecompletioncoachcouk, or drop me a DM If you think this would be of interest to somebody else. Please forward it on and, as always, thank you for listening.