Every one of us has a volcano within—quiet and serene until the pressure of unsaid words and unacknowledged feelings forces it to erupt. Join me, Jamie, as I reveal my own encounters with the tempestuous silence that, left unchecked, can lead to emotional explosions. Weaving through personal anecdotes and reflections, this episode strips back the layers of self-suppression, examining the urge to maintain harmony at the expense of our voice. Together, we'll confront the barriers to self-expression, particularly those faced by individuals marginalized by society, and why it's vital to assert oneself without the weight of guilt or the need for justification.
As your solitary guide, I'll also dive into the profound impact self-trust has on our capacity to be assertive. We'll revisit the echoes of childhood that may have taught us to diminish ourselves and explore the tension between seeking external validation and fostering an internal wellspring of self-approval. This journey is a call to embrace the full spectrum of our emotions and opinions, shedding light on the transformative power of self-liking and the courage to stand in our truth. So, take a pause, listen in, and let's embark on a path to honor our inner child and boldly claim the space we deserve. No guests, no distractions—just us and the promise of personal growth.
Every one of us has a volcano within—quiet and serene until the pressure of unsaid words and unacknowledged feelings forces it to erupt. Join me, Jamie, as I reveal my own encounters with the tempestuous silence that, left unchecked, can lead to emotional explosions. Weaving through personal anecdotes and reflections, this episode strips back the layers of self-suppression, examining the urge to maintain harmony at the expense of our voice. Together, we'll confront the barriers to self-expression, particularly those faced by individuals marginalized by society, and why it's vital to assert oneself without the weight of guilt or the need for justification.
As your solitary guide, I'll also dive into the profound impact self-trust has on our capacity to be assertive. We'll revisit the echoes of childhood that may have taught us to diminish ourselves and explore the tension between seeking external validation and fostering an internal wellspring of self-approval. This journey is a call to embrace the full spectrum of our emotions and opinions, shedding light on the transformative power of self-liking and the courage to stand in our truth. So, take a pause, listen in, and let's embark on a path to honor our inner child and boldly claim the space we deserve. No guests, no distractions—just us and the promise of personal growth.
Speaker 1:
Hello and welcome to Go Ask Sawyer. This is Jamie, your host, and today we are talking about playing small or, I guess, in the greater theme of things, having your light dimmed and what it can do. I feel like I've done a lot of things in my life where I have not spoken my truth, or I've only spoken part of it, to keep the peace, to make the other person feel good, and what ends up happening is I unleash and unload on either a someone who does not deserve it or someone who does deserve it, but maybe in the way that I deliver it it cannot be heard. So sit back, buckle up, turn up the volume and let's talk.
Speaker 1:
I recently wrote a piece I called the shutdown and it goes like this Note that starts it. You never realize your light went out until you look back and all you see is darkness. It didn't happen that way. You're being overdramatic. That never happened. That's not how I said it. That's not what I meant. It doesn't have to be that deep. Why would you think that way? The phrase comes, the body gets hot, the throat closes, pins and needles shoot through, silence takes over and all in an instant, the shutdown occurs. Shame and embarrassment stifle any knowing that might be true. The shrink happens a quarter millimeter at a time, so no one notices. Stay in your place. Your perspective is not relevant here. The light goes out Now as I wrote that.
Speaker 1:
As I was writing, I was reminded of the many times those phrases have been used to me or have been used toward me throughout my 43 years now on this earth and a part of me was like well, no wonder I don't know how to use my voice, no wonder I second guess, no wonder I have a problem trusting and I've talked a lot about trust. But when you confront someone about hey, you did this to me and instead of them just saying like listening and acknowledging, but instead come back with all sorts of things about how that's not the way it happened, or you don't have to be so dramatic, or for whatever reason, your emotions and your feelings are not needed, valid or true you start to second guess things At least I do. And when that happens this has happened to me a few times when that happens, the more that gets pushed down, at least for me then the explosion happens. Instead of just having that conversation and I was reminded by this twice this week, I've had two friends come to me and just talk to me about they. Someone said something to them and they recently kind of just went off on this person and instantly, like embarrassment and shame, hit them not instantly, but like after the incident was done, like five to 10 seconds after, like, oh my gosh. I can't believe either a I thought I've healed from this, this is the old me or B I can't believe I just went off this way. The same thing went off or happened to me right before Christmas Eve when I went off at my brother and sister in law. And did I mean to go off that way? And I think in every instant the person could say, no, I didn't mean to yell that way, I didn't mean to snap that way. That's not what I wanted to say. But we're the words being said, true, and that part is where I've really been thinking, like, although the delivery isn't what we want, because we have learned to play small, because we have learned that our feelings are not valid, because we have been taught to understand that if something offends us, we just need to get over it. Don't be so dramatic, don't be so sad. Why are you, why is this such a big deal?
Speaker 1:
When I first came out, some really important people in my life loved to make lesbian jokes all the time and I just took it because I felt so guilty. But after a while it was just like, oh my gosh, like I don't understand. Like, are you making fun of me? Are you making fun of being a lesbian? Like, do you actually have questions where you don't know how to ask? Like I'm also trying to figure out what I am doing with my life and what I just did. But again because of that guilt or because, like, oh my gosh, jamie, don't be so sensitive Comes up time and time again, you learn to push it down and then one day you just snap and the other person is like whoa, why are you so upset?
Speaker 1:
It's like your inner child that has been told to be quiet, that has been told to sit in the corner, that has been told they cannot be a trustworthy or reliable witness, is finally coming up and just going off because they're sick of it, because they're tired. And I used to think this meant like, oh, I'm not healed, or shoot I don't wanna say backsliding, that's not the word, but I'm not where I wanna be. But in actuality it's because you're so aware, all of a sudden, of trauma you've been through. You're so aware of how the world has treated you. You're so aware of how other people see you, depending on your gender, your skin color, where you work, how you live. You're really aware of excuse my French the BS that you've put up with for so much of your life and you just want it to stop, because you wanna be heard, because you wanna say no, that's not okay. And for whatever reason, at least with me, if I say no, that's not okay, I of course need to back it up with an explanation. Well, it's hurting my feelings, or it's not relevant, or that's a racist comment, or that's a sexually aggressive comment, or you can't talk to me that way. Why can't I just say no, don't say that, do not speak that way around, do not make those kind of jokes, do not say those words. Yes, I am correct and I don't need to back myself up.
Speaker 1:
I also had a conversation with someone I worked with the other day and we were talking about patients. She told me I need to have more patients. She told me I need to have more patients with coworkers and situations and people around me, because I'm very much like I'm an activator. So I did the five-strengths quiz and I'm an activator. So if I get an idea and I tell you about my idea, I expect that you are gonna jump on board with idea, this idea right now. And we are our team and we are going.
Speaker 1:
And what I am still struggling to get around is that not everybody is on my team, not everybody wants to play that game, not everybody is ready to go when I'm ready to go, and that so frustrates. But I do need to learn patience. I need to wait for people to decide when they wanna get on board and when they don't. But here's where the dimmingness comes in, or the snapping comes in is that if you're not on board with me in a certain amount of time, like in my head, then I get real set, frustrated, quiet, because I just don't understand why what I'm trying to do and say, because I know it's going to work, why can't it be followed and done right away? But I feel myself and again I would love to have a conversation if someone wants to comment I feel like then I have to manipulate the situation, walk on eggshells, play the game, because I can't just say what I want. I have to play the game to get you to play along in the timely manner that I want you to play.
Speaker 1:
And in leadership like I've also been going back and forth with this dimming or light or walking on eggshells or saying what you need or not. In leadership, because great leaders just the people that I've watched that I'm like yep, I wanna follow. You have this way of making you feel like you are valid, you have a spot on the team, your thoughts are heard, but they also have a way of holding your account and that's the part I'm trying to learn the holding other people accountable without playing small on my end, because holding people accountable, which is really silly, is terrifying to me. I said A, b and C. You did not follow through and now here's the consequence.
Speaker 1:
And I think when we play small for a long period of time and then try to assert ourselves, we're looked at as especially women, right. We're looked at as aggressive. We're looked at as angry. We're looked at as loud, like, oh my gosh, she's always trying to put the hammer down, like she's so strict. But really I just wanna die, or I just want you to stop saying what you're saying, or I just want you to realize that's not okay, that's not an okay way to talk to me, that's not an okay way to address me, that is not an okay way to be in my space. And so, although, yes, we might pop off on someone, I think it's important to think are the words valid? Is what is the message I'm trying to get across? Is that valid? Maybe the tone wasn't great, maybe the delivery was not great, but that's when you need to start looking at why am I snacked?
Speaker 1:
Where were other areas leading up to this moment? When I did not speak what I needed to speak, when I did not stand on what I needed to stand on, when I allowed patterns of someone else to continue instead of stopping it, when I allowed someone to continue to use words or phrases or jokes to put me down and I didn't say any. And I'm not saying it's your fault, but I think it's inch, it's, it's an awareness, when you start realizing you're part of the problem. Because once you realize maybe I'm part of the problem, then you can work to start to fix it, then you can work to start to say okay, that made me feel weird. I'm going to say something now, not next time, because I'm a big next time person, right? Like, okay, if you do something to me once maybe it was off, maybe it was a bad day, maybe it was a mood, maybe I said something to upset you I'm going to wait for you to do it again. And sometimes, if you do it again, I'm going to say something and I'm not or I'm not. But that's when the blow up starts to occur.
Speaker 1:
The more you put off what you need to say. Is it easy? Oh my gosh. No, it's not easy at all. I'm still. I feel like, when I have to talk to somebody or say something important, like if I could create a visual, I would be like what the road runner like, tripping and falling and having an anvil fall on my head and trying to get back up and say the thing, when really I just want to stand there and say what I have to say and stand on it.
Speaker 1:
But also, because so many things have been repressed, think about your life, right, like you really think about things that have been repressed, because and I can even you don't talk about my, I mean even my coming out story, right, like I thought I was gay, but everyone around me told me I wasn't. Everyone around, told me I was a phase and I understand, like I was married, so like you don't want to be, like yep, go ahead, get divorced, blow up your life, all the things. But I really, really second guessed myself so many times after that. I'm even remembering back to high school when I told my advisor like I wanted to go to college and she was like, but your grades aren't good enough. Because at the high school I went to like, unless you were a straight, a student or a great sports athlete, like there just wasn't, it didn't seem. Again, from my perspective there wasn't much else for you. Yet I was on POMS, which they did not recognize as a sport. We don't need to get into it. Going to state, going to nationals, and from what I understand, the other big sports weren't doing that.
Speaker 1:
So when you really start to look back and go back and again, this might not be everybody, I know I have some friends that are they really stand on what they believe in, but I know they weren't necessarily always that way. I know there's still things that they worry about. But if you start to go back and think and look like, why did this really start happening? And then you start to look at just little microaggressions. That's the word. In your life when you have tried to stand on something and someone made you feel that that was not correct, especially when you were younger. That sticks with you and again that goes back to trusting yourself. We only don't trust other people because we don't trust ourselves, because we know what we have done. We know the times that we have betrayed. We know the times that we have broken trust. We know the times that we have lied. So if we cannot trust ourselves, how are we trusting other people? But that goes hand in hand with playing small because you don't think what you're worth it.
Speaker 1:
I've really been struggling with that worth it because I want the big love, like, I want the partnership. I want someone who's like, yeah, let's do this thing called life together. I want someone to struggle with and pray with and grow with. And I am really struggling. I know I'm so great but like, why don't I really wait for that? Stick with that and the job right, I'm a good teacher, but I really like to get paid more. In society Doesn't seem to view education as something great. I've talked to my brother about this. Right, like, I want to get paid more money and he's reminded me that I've gone into a field where I want to help people and that's not going to make you six figures. So it all and like that always goes back and forth in my head. Like what do I have to choose between six figures and helping people? Like helping people brings me joy and fulfills me, but I can't make enough to buy a house, a car and travel and have kids. Well, my kids are old now but they still cost a lot of money, tristan especially, geez. So as I come all the way back around full circle, playing small, stop it. This is more for me than for you. Playing small, stop it. Don't wait for that.
Speaker 1:
Next time that someone says something that makes you feel weird, say it the first time. Please don't say that I don't like it. Please don't say that it doesn't make me feel good and I've also looked at that, the understanding that because something doesn't make me feel good is a valid enough reason. But you know, because we deal with manipulators and narcissists and people pleasers I am one of them. We always need a reason, but that's my reason. It doesn't make me feel good. I'll deal with the why later, but for right now, that doesn't make me feel good.
Speaker 1:
If you explode on someone, take a pause. Okay, is the message I needed to say? What I actually wanted to say? Yes, okay, did I deliver it incorrect? And again, what is correct? What is incorrect? Some people like yelling, but I have also noticed that when you yell, people don't listen. If you yell at me, I instantly shut off. That's a different suitcase for a different episode. But if the delivery was extreme and you go backwards, where were the times that you played small? Where were the times that you let your light kind of go out and all of a sudden your inner child is like Nope, I've had enough, so I'm going to leave you with a famous. I've seen this on reels, I've seen this on memes.
Speaker 1:
We always worry about if other people like us or not, but at the same time, we don't even like everyone. So if you like yourself, I really think that that's the biggest thing. If you don't like yourself, that's a lot to sit with. But if you like who you are, if you like yourself, if you like what you're doing, doesn't really matter. If people like you or not, they probably don't even like themselves, which will be in our next episode of heat and fear in our society. That's all I have for you today. Stop playing small like yourself. Stand on what you believe and be willing to stick up for yourself. Have a beautiful day. I'll see you all next time.