Go Ask Sawyer
Go Ask Sawyer
10 Minute Thoughts - Real Talk: When It's Time to End a Friendship
Can you recognize when a friendship has run its course, or are you still holding on to a relationship that's draining your energy? On this episode of Go Ask Sawyer, I share my personal journey of grappling with ending friendships, reflecting on my own shortcomings and struggles to show up for others. From constant arguments to feeling emotionally exhausted and untrue to myself, I discuss the key signs that a friendship may need to end. We also delve into the tough conversations around aligning values and deciding when it's time to distance oneself from negative influences.
Navigating the end of a friendship is never easy, and as a self-confessed "big ghoster," I open up about my desire to transition towards more direct, albeit awkward, communication. Join me as I uncover the complex dynamics involved in recognizing when a friendship is no longer beneficial. We'll explore the imbalances in effort and emotional investment, and how to address the persistent arguments that signal it's time to move on. This episode aims to provide valuable insights and encourages the courage needed to prioritize your personal well-being, offering a candid and heartfelt discussion for anyone grappling with difficult friendships.
Hey, welcome back to Go Ask Sawyer. This is Jamie, your host with 10-Minute Thoughts, and I have recorded this podcast. I think this is my ninth time. I have deleted and deleted, and deleted and friends. I just got to be super honest and say I have not been a good friend all the time. I have not been a good friend to people that I love. I have not been a good friend to family members. I have not been a good friend to myself.
Speaker 1:I want to talk today a little bit about how do you know when a friendship is over, and I think that's something that we don't talk about or discuss very often. Usually it's something. There's some sort of fight or some sort of drama or something, and then two people just fall away from each other and nothing is really ever talked about, or maybe surface level things are talked about, but that's really about it. I had a friendship all through high school, into college and after college we got in a huge fight, both hurt feelings and instead of like sitting with the feelings, we both just screamed at each other over the phone and then didn't talk for three years, maybe four. I have not been a good friend in that I have not shown up for people. I have not listened to people. I have not shown up as my true self. I have not spoken up for myself in friendships, for the other people to know what hurts me, for the other people to know what I don't stand for.
Speaker 1:When I first came out as gay, I had a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of gay jokes. I endured a lot of gay jokes and I felt like I just needed to take it because it was like a punishment or something. But how do you really like stand up and say like no, like, don't make those jokes. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Saying like no, like don't make those jokes, it makes me feel uncomfortable, don't make those jokes. Like I'm not okay with that. How do you say to a friend like the way you view the world is not in alignment with myself? Anyone who knows me knows I'm constantly on some sort of growth journey. Um, I've been for since I've, I guess, since I've really come out, just to kind of dig deep as to why it took me so long to come out and you know why I struggled so much with it, and I mean a lot of that had to do with, oh my gosh, so many things. But I mean growing up in a very Lutheran household bubble, going to private schools no one ever talked about gay people. I mean back in the 80s when I was born, and into the 90s and early 2000s, like divorce was a big deal, so coming out was still not even accepted, and I was also married. So so many layers to that.
Speaker 1:But how and why do we stay in friendships that make us feel bad? How and why do we stay in friendships that there's arguing almost every time you hang out? Why do we stay in friendships that we know we should end but what we don't feel good enough about ourself to end it, we don't feel strong enough to even have the conversation with that other person. Hey, I don't think we're in alignment anymore. Hey, I don't think we see things the same and there is 100%, I think, a difference between us having different views of the world and then sometimes realizing that other person's views are like negative toward you. How do you know when a friendship is over, when there's too much fighting, when you realize you're giving a lot into the friendship? Maybe you're always the one to reach out. Maybe you're always the one to say, hey, I miss you, hey, I miss hanging out with you, feeling every time you hang out like I am here but I don't want to be here. I'm here but I'm talking about surface level things. I'm here but it's not real, and I think we all get to a point in our lives Now.
Speaker 1:It took me a long place to get to where I am now in my forties, where I don't want drama, like as soon as I feel something's off, I'm leaving. As soon as I feel something tension, I'm leaving. I just don't want that. I can't. My system, my nervous system, just doesn't even want to handle that anymore. And I have gone back and forth about oh, maybe I'm being selfish, maybe I'm expecting too much, maybe I want too much. I can't always have a light, peaceful time, but also why not, if the people that I have in my life are truly people that I, man, I just enjoy being around. They bring light, they bring laughter we can have. We can go deep in conversations. We might not always see eye to eye, I understand that, but we're not going to get to the point where I feel like I'm being attacked, where I feel like my beliefs are even being attacked.
Speaker 1:It's different to have a conversation with someone to be like, okay, let me hear your point of view, let me see where you're coming from, and to feel like someone is just they're in it to win it right. The right fighters, the I don't care what the other person has to say, I am right, those are the hard. Those are the hard conversations to have. And are we willing to sit and have those or are we just going to ghost? I keep thinking about how I distance myself from situations. Anyone else out there distance themselves from situations or people that they just are like I don't think we can hang out. Do you have the conversation? I recently had a conversation with someone that I just don't think we're in alignment anymore and it was just weird and awkward because I've never really had that conversation. Is that normal to have that friendship conversation? I don't think that that was ever really taught to us.
Speaker 1:Once you have a friend, they're just your friend forever, until someone stops calling or texting and then they're just gone and then they pop back up in your life and again I have friends like we're busy. I see some of my people once every six months, once every three months. Do I wish it was more often? I do, but I also know we're adults and we have other things that preoccupy our time. I have a lot of really different groups of friendships that are so amazing and so unique, and I'm so thankful that I have a lot of really different groups of friendships that are so amazing and so unique and I'm so thankful that I have a million different outlets. But how do you know when it's time to be done? How do you have that? I love this for what it was and now we're done.
Speaker 1:What happens when a friend keeps showing you who they are and it doesn't feel good a few different times and all of a sudden it's like I don't want to be involved in this anymore? What happens when they say I promise I've changed, I promise I've healed, I promise I've done A, b and C? Do you even have the energy to give them that second chance, third chance, fourth chance, fifth chance? Or is it just like yeah, I'm good, I'm trying to live more in the mindset of show me once, I'll give you a second chance, show me twice and I'm just going to be good, because I've been shown that all too often, if they've shown me once and twice, they will show me again If you've lied to me once or twice, you will lie to me again.
Speaker 1:If you've ditched me once or twice, you will ditch me again. If you've berated my beliefs or if you've berated who I am, or if you've made fun of me once or twice, you will do it again. Now I will also take responsibility in the fact of. Have I told you that hurt me? Have I told you that's not okay? Because I'm a people pleaser, probably would have never said that before, because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I would rather take on the uncomfort than make you feel uncomfortable. I would rather take on the. Okay, I'm just going to be quiet over here and let you be okay so I can fix the situation.
Speaker 1:How many of us have done that? How many of us have sat in places where you're like this is just not okay, but I would rather sit here than either A get up and walk away, b say hey, I'm just not okay with this anymore, or I don't want to keep gossiping. Right, like those friendships we have around gossiping. And all of a sudden, one day you're like I don't want to keep gossiping and then the other people are like oh my gosh, that's weird. Like why does that matter? You know they say the conversations that are just real gossipy are like that surface level. And it's just hard for me to be on surface level anymore. It's hard for me to not want to go deep and like want to know more about you and ask more questions because I just surface level is exhausting. Everyone's trying to live their own life, like everyone's trying to do their own thing. I want to know who you are, at your core, at your essence. I don't really care about anybody else that's not in the room.
Speaker 1:So how do you know when that friendship is over? How do you know when it needs to be done? Is it a feeling? Constant arguments? You realize you're giving way more than they're giving. And then the next question would be do you have the conversation to say, hey, this is done, or do you just ghost? I would like. I used to ghost, I'm a big ghoster, but I would like to move into the space of. I'd like to have a conversation and then be done. That's going to be awkward. Maybe that'll be a podcast about when I actually do that. I love you all. Let's stay friends. Bye.