Go Ask Sawyer
Go Ask Sawyer
Battling the Settling Trap
We explore why we settle for less than we deserve in relationships, jobs, and life situations, examining how journaling can help us recognize patterns and reconnect with our true desires.
• Settling often stems from not believing we're worthy of better options
• Fear of the unknown and change keeps us in uncomfortable but familiar situations
• We often don't realize we're settling until well past the honeymoon phase
• Staying in situations where we've settled creates anger, resentment, and loss of self
• Being "impeccable with your word" requires aligning your actions with your stated desires
• Writing down what you want creates a contract with yourself
• Your body signals when you're settling through depletion and exhaustion
• Regular journaling helps unblock creativity and clarify what you truly want
• Telling yourself "I love you" can help heal abandonment wounds
• Journal prompts: "I am," "I receive," "I trust," "I will," and "I allow"
Set aside 3-5 minutes daily for journaling and notice how it helps you recognize where you're settling and what changes you need to make.
Books referenced: 'The Four Agreements' by Don Miguel Ruiz and 'The Artist's Way' by Julia Cameron.
Follow me on Instagram @goasksawyer
Hello and happy Sunday. Welcome back to Go Ask Sawyer. This is your host, jamie, and welcome to our new journaling season of Go Ask Sawyer, where we are working to uncover different parts of ourself through journaling. In everything I have ever done therapy, life coaching, working out, reading everything Journaling to me has been the one thing that has kind of I don't want to say saved me, but journaling has always been the way back to myself and the way to kind of work through whatever is happening. So if you are new here, welcome to my other 10 people that are listening to me. Thank you, guys for joining again.
Speaker 1:As always, you will need your notes app or a journal and something to write with and I don't know 15 to 20 minutes of time for yourself, and this is really for you, this is not for me. You decide to show up today, you decide to press play, you decided to give yourself a chance. So, as always, we are going to start with three minutes of uninterrupted journaling. So you are going to pause the podcast here, set your timer for three minutes and I want you just to write without stopping for three minutes. You can put the date on it, you can write lyrics to a song. You can start naming everything around you. You can write a letter to yourself. You can write I don't know over and over and over. You can reflect naming everything around you. You can write a letter to yourself. You can write I don't know over and over and over. You can reflect back to last week's episode about shame and think about different maybe things that have come up. Or you can just use it as a time to curse someone out that you are upset with at work or in your life. So set your timer for three minutes at work or in your life. So set your timer for three minutes, hit pause and go. Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed your time writing and got some thoughts and ideas out on your paper.
Speaker 1:Today, our focus for this episode is going to be around settling why we settle. So our first journaling podcast was about our worth, thinking about our worth and really trying to dig deep to figure out why maybe sometimes we don't feel worthy in different areas of our life. Last week we looked at shame and how shame shows up for ourselves, like how we cause ourselves shame and then when other people are shaming us, those projections. Today we're looking at settling, and this I mean we settle again because we don't think we're worthy of other things. So we settle in all sorts of places environments, jobs, friendships, romantic ships, decisions we've outgrown. I've been thinking a lot about that, like, oh, I've always wanted to move downtown Milwaukee. Okay, we'll just do that. I've always wanted to move downtown Milwaukee and I hang on to that, hang on to that, hang on to that, and then maybe I do it and I realize this is not actually what I wanted.
Speaker 1:So what thoughts and decisions where have we settled in that, when we look up the definition for settling, it's to reach an agreement, adapt a secure lifestyle, become comfortable in a position which is not always a bad thing, because I would love to figure out how to create a secure lifestyle, specifically with someone right, like, while staying challenged. How do you become comfortable in your relationship and continue to be challenged? But maybe that would mean that you have someone in your life that you have open conversation with and you're both on the same page and you both challenge each other so that you can feel comfortable and safe with them. But yet you're also pushing yourself to be the best. And I've asked I surveyed some teachers and some friends about, like, why they've settled in different aspects of their life and the answers are really a lot of times the same right Hard time believing I'm worthy enough to demand what I want.
Speaker 1:The unknown feels scary. We fear change and uncertainty. Most of us realize, don't even realize, we're settling until it's too late, right, that honeymoon phase of whatever it is, the friendship, the romantic ship, the job. We don't even realize we're settling for something, maybe less than while we're in that honeymoon phase, because those rosy glasses are on. And then, six months to a year in, and you're just like whoa, like I've either lost myself or I've stopped dreaming big or I've just become complacent. So it's not always like directly in front of us. But what do we do when we realize we have settled? And again, you guys, I cannot emphasize enough how much journaling can help you.
Speaker 1:Jeremiah 5.11 says For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I really loved this verse when I found it because it reminded me of that saying, and I'm sure we've all seen it all over the gram and the TikTok and all the things. God will not allow you to be comfortable in a situation that is not meant for you. He will make sure you feel discomfort. So you have to move.
Speaker 1:Think of how many times you've been in situations and you all of a sudden get anxiety. And again, I just went through a situation this last year where I had depression and anxiety and it turned out it wasn't that it was the situation. How many times have you been in a situation where, all of a sudden, you've stopped all the habits that you normally exercise eating right? He will never allow you to be peaceful and comfortable with a person or a situation you're not supposed to be with, and I really hope and this is a hope for myself and a hope for all of you that we really pay attention to those moments and times in which we look around and kind of realize like I am not happy, I am sad, or I think I'm depressed, or I have anxiety and I've never had anxiety before, or I'm not doing what I love anymore, and we're really able to pay attention to like who am I surrounding myself with? What am I putting in my body? Am I sleeping? Am I not sleeping? What am I putting in my brain? Again, what TV shows am I watching? Am I getting exercise? Am I getting outside? So, again, all of this does go to settling. Once we're like in those moments of I shouldn't be here, that's where we have to understand our worth. We have to understand why we settle, and I'm actually going to ask you to pause the podcast here and write down like one to four times you know you've settled and this can be anything from like high school, college, however old you are right now, where are times in your life that you know you should have left and you didn't. So go ahead and pause here and just write those down. Okay, welcome back.
Speaker 1:That was not meant to feel weird, but it was more just kind of meant to be like huh, what are my patterns? I don't know. My pattern is one, feeling chosen, blah, blah, blah, working on that um. And two, proving myself right like I will stay places to constantly prove my worth, which is so silly, because if I really understood my worth as soon as I would realize that that environment didn't understand my worth, I would just pack my bags and go right. So that's why it's so important to understand how great we really really are when we stay in places where we are not meant to be.
Speaker 1:The emotions come with that right Anger, resentment and loss of self. So anger is a strong sense of annoyance, displeasure or hostility, resentment, feeling bitter and having being treated unfairly, and then, of course, loss of self. Loss of self, abandoning one's wants, desires, values to fit into a ship. I've decided to call relationships ships because I just like it. I don't know If you don't like it, you can call it a relationship, but I like ships.
Speaker 1:This last week I feel like I was dealing with a lot of like anger emotions, not at necessarily anyone, at myself, like I was really struggling with feeling angry at myself for being where I am, and I know like anger is the surface level emotion. So this week I've been doing a lot of work journaling, thinking, talking around anger, and I think that anger is what is it like? A distilled emotion that has come from the last, you know, two years of staying in a place I should not have been and I'm just angry with myself that I didn't believe in myself more. I'm just angry with myself that I didn't believe in myself more. So this anger is more for me and I know there's more under that. So I also want you to think about like okay. Are there places I've stayed? And then what emotions come up after that Like are, all of a sudden, you resent. Do you resent that person, that job, that friendship, and is that fair to put on the person? Or is it really you right?
Speaker 1:When we choose to settle in, wherever we're at, we're choosing to stay complacent. Is that the word? We're choosing to stay complacent in a place with no growth? When we settle, we die. I'm not being dramatic, but like those beautiful parts of us die. So I'm going to be using right now the four agreements.
Speaker 1:I just reread it for the second time by Don Miguel Ruiz, and I'm again an amazing book. If you have not picked it up, please go get it. Hopefully that can help when we're in moments of like. Why am I settling? What am I doing? So being impeccable with your word is where everything starts. Once this is solid, everything else can fall into place and you can get a clear picture of you and what you actually want, which is why it's so important to journal. What do I actually want in life, in a partner, in a job? What do I want my world to look like?
Speaker 1:Your word, the word, is the most powerful tool you can have as a human. It is a tool of magic but like a sword, it has two edges. Your word can create the most beautiful dream. Think of a time someone has said to you like oh my gosh, you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Or every time I'm around you, I just feel so lit up inside. Your words have so much power behind them. They can also literally destroy people and things around you your word. So when you use your word at someone or about something, realize how powerful that is. And then when you just try to pick it back up, like oops, I didn't mean that, it's already out there, we've all done the activity where you squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube and then you try to get it back in Once those words are out there. They're out there and, like I think I said in my shame episode, we can't go back and redo anything.
Speaker 1:But how can you learn, how can you change and move on from that? It is through the word that you manifest everything, regardless of what language you speak. Your intent manifests through your word. What you dream, what you feel and what you really are will all be manifested through your word. What happens when you say I didn't intend to do that. Yet your actions and words all point to exactly what you just did. In that case, you're out of alignment, right. Like I didn't mean to run over my cat, that was not my intent. However, when I got in the car, my cat that was not my intent. However, when I got in the car, I was looking at my phone, I was trying to get my radio connected, I was thinking about where I had to be. I didn't actually look in my rearview mirror and I ran over my cat. So my actions were very distracted, not paying attention, not thinking about what I was actually doing, and then I killed my cat. That did not actually happen. It is just a story I made up.
Speaker 1:But when we say that, how are our words and actions like aligning or not, we find that once we can let go, we use our word, we stand on it, we do not settle, and once we get out of those places think about how much energy you have you just feel less exhausted. I don't think and again, I never pay attention to this when I'm in the moments until I've moved into a different situation and I'm like, oh my gosh, I was exhausted or that really sucked the energy out of me every time I was with A, b or C or at that job. When you feel depleted after you leave places, please understand that is your body's way of telling you you are starting to settle or you're in a place you shouldn't be. People and places should fill you up. I understand we have obligations, but if we are not impeccable with our word, we will stay in places of comfort, we will stay out of alignment and we will allow things to happen right that bring us if we want to say shame. That bring us frustration. That bring us anger. And yes, please all understand. Easier said than done, I have stayed in so many situations I should not have and you only see it hindsight.
Speaker 1:So how can we be better about it? Well, journal, get really clear on what you want your vision to be. So I wrote down an example. Okay, if I write, I want a solid, committed, healthy relationship with a partner who communicates their wants and needs and makes me feel secure. But I settle for someone and makes me feel secure, but I settle for someone who makes me feel confused, who brings unhealthy habits into relationships and does not make me shine. My actions are telling my universe spirit that I'm saying I want this but I'm not actually ready for it. These actions, these places that I stay. If I say I'm wanting this but I'm settling for this, they all tell my higher up self that A I'm not ready, I don't actually want it and I don't feel worthy for it. So how can we allow these things to come into our life if we're saying one thing and doing another? When you guys write and I really encourage you every day, set that timer for three to five minutes. When we write, every day, we show up for ourselves.
Speaker 1:This is from the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, an amazing book. I did hear that Dochi also read it and went through it before she started doing her music, which I think is super cool. But it's an amazing book if you have not picked it up. Music, which I think is super cool, but it's an amazing book if you have not picked it up. It's really going to push you to kind of like dig way deep and some chapters are hard and some are easy. But she says when we really look at how we are showing up in our lives, we're taking a moment to notice where we are not in alignment. I love this part.
Speaker 1:When we write affirmations, intentions and desires, we are creating a contract with ourselves. Think about any business you go into, it's always like put it in writing. I don't believe it until it's put in writing. Once I sign my name on paper saying what salary I want, what responsibilities, I will do all of that Before it's put in writing, it's not real. Once it's in writing, all of that before it's put in writing, it's not real. Once it's in writing, that's a contract.
Speaker 1:When we write things down in our journal and I'm going to give you guys a few sentences, I want to write, I want you to write at the end of here, that's a business deal you're making with ourselves, or yourselves, I should say, which is also probably why it's so hard to write for some of us, because we're not ready to say the truth or we're not ready to really write down what we want. Because once we start writing it down, oh, you are going to notice all the parts of your life where you're like dang, I am not. It's going to be like that little tap on the shoulder, Like dude, you just said you wanted to stop eating fast food, yet your friends keep wanting to go to fast food places and you keep going. What are you doing, right? We're ignoring that promise or that goal that we've set up for ourself. So really be again back to our four agreements.
Speaker 1:Write down what do you want your life to look like, your partner to look like your job, to look like? Get crazy with it. I have been getting so insane with my dreams because I keep thinking I'm worth it, why not? What do you stand for? And guess what? I hate to bring us all the way back around. But when we are not true to our word, we create shame in ourselves and we're right back to where we started. A lot of times, that's where that shame comes from being out of alignment, knowing we're doing things against our word, our goals, our values that we made for ourself. And I'm going to go back to how can we stay on top of it every day, right, for three to five minutes, I don't even care.
Speaker 1:And again, you guys, I've been doing this since November and it has been so eyeopening. I do write three pages every day of literally just. Sometimes it's random stuff, sometimes it's letters, all sorts of things. It helps so much to get out. Let yourself laugh, cry, scream, whatever it is. Write it down and you're going to start to notice that newness is going to come out.
Speaker 1:If we keep everything inside, we can't grow. If we keep everything tamped down inside, we can't really experience new things. All of a sudden, I have all of these ideas all of a sudden, because I've been writing every morning. It's almost like something was clogged and I just cracked all the way open and all of this is coming out. What have you been doing or not doing lately that you've been proud of?
Speaker 1:So, as we come toward the end of our podcast, I'm not going to pull a card today because I feel like I do want to read, apart from the four agreements, because at this point it's really you At the end of the day. What do they say? Your best and only relationship that will never break is the one you have with yourself, and I know that a lot of my anger that I was dealing with this last week is like that inner child, like it's almost like. Sometimes I can see a little me sitting there thinking why did you leave me? Why did you abandon me so fast? Why did you walk away and just leave me here? Was I not good enough? That abandonment, ooh, trauma. Recently I had a friend who triggered that pretty bad Working on that right now, but I guess not even really a friend.
Speaker 1:But every time we abandon ourselves, we're telling ourselves our dreams are not worth it, our values are not worth it, we are not worth it. And then we stay in places we shouldn't and we settle. Recently I've been dancing a lot in public, all over everywhere, because it's been a long time since I've just felt like pure, because it's been a long time since I've just felt like pure, unadulterated joy. And also I've been putting myself out in the world in ways I've always wanted to, but I've been embarrassed. I've been embarrassed because who do I think I am? I don't know how to podcast, I'm not a great dancer who do I think? I am saying all these things, telling people what to do, but I'm doing this like 30 days of delusional dreams and happiness, like living in a world that is already real as the main character of my own life, creating the life I want, before it's even come into fruition. And it's been really scary and really fun, and then scary again, and then fun again, and then I self-doubt and then I go back into the thing, but I just keep coming back up for air and thinking, no, I love this, I'm having so much fun.
Speaker 1:What is it going to take for you to believe you are worthy of greatness? It's going to take you. It is going to take you writing it down and being impeccable with your word. The truth and this is from the four agreements the truth is the most important part of being impeccable with your word. Only the truth will set you free, and this I'm not necessarily telling you to go like tell people all over the world the truth. I think it's more about telling yourself the truth, which is really hard to do Sometimes. I think it's harder to tell yourself the truth about whatever it is, than other people, because once you tell yourself the truth, you have to see it and then you have to realize like dang, is that me being out of alignment or is that my character? And if that's me being out of alignment, I can fix that. But if that's actually my character, if this has become like a pattern, how am I going to fix that? So I'm going to leave you with two things.
Speaker 1:Number one use the word in the correct way. Share your love. Tell yourself how wonderful you are, how great you are. Tell yourself how much you love yourself. Use the word to break all of those teeny tiny agreements that make you suffer.
Speaker 1:A lot of times I end my journaling with I love you, jamie, because I need to hear it and say it, and I still almost cry every time. I say that Isn't that funny? I don't think it's funny, actually. I think it just comes from that abandonment wound and like kind of coming back to self. Like when you apologize to someone for doing something that hurt them, it causes you to cry. When you realize like someone you care about you cause them pain, or if you run over your cat, right, and so when I keep saying like I love you, jamie, I love you, jamie, it's me, you know, apologizing to myself and coming back to me, and that is a lot harder than I think we understand. Try that today. Put your hand on your heart and say I love you and then say your name and see what happens.
Speaker 1:All right, before I let us go in your journal, open it up to wherever you are, I want you to write. I'm going to pause after each one and so just write the phrase and then maybe skip a line or two so that you can come back to this. So the first one is I am, I receive, I trust I will, and then I allow. And I just want you to write sentences with all of those I am, what I receive, what I trust, what I will and I allow. Be crazy about it. Notice how your body reacts.
Speaker 1:Also, when you write those sentences, do you hear yourself saying that's not really true? Or I know I'm going to write this down, but I won't actually do it? Like you're literally sabotaging yourself as you're writing. Try to write if you notice yourself sabotaging. Like I know I won't do that. Maybe afterwards say yet, not yet. Yet. I have not yet I will, I have not yet. Don't let yourself doubt yourself before anything has started. Again, we are conditioned to accept other people's definitions of us. That's where a lot of this comes from too how other people see us, how other people think we should be, should talk, should act. When we dare to defy it and show up for ourselves, it feels weird. All right, y'all, stay cute, stay loud, keep dancing, even when everyone is watching Peace.
