Go Ask Sawyer
Go Ask Sawyer
Breaking Anger Open: What Lies Beneath
Anger often serves as a secondary emotion that masks our deeper feelings and needs, especially when we've suppressed our true emotions or allowed our boundaries to be crossed for too long.
• Journaling helps uncover emotions beneath anger like feeling disrespected, embarrassed, or unheard
• Bible verses like Psalms 37:8 remind us that unchecked anger rarely leads to positive outcomes
• We often get angry when we've been tolerating disrespect or boundary violations for extended periods
• Physical sensations like chest tightness, stomach dropping, or feeling "electrocuted" signal rising anger
• Understanding if you're a "thunderstorm" (need immediate resolution) or "turtle" (need space to process) helps manage conflict
• Healthy anger involves getting curious about what your anger is trying to tell you
• Naming where you feel anger in your body can help you recognize and address it earlier
• The ultimate question: "What part of me is finally ready to be heard and protected by my own voice?"
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Hello and happy Sunday. Welcome back to Go, ask Sawyer, this is your host, jamie. Thank you so, so so much for being with me today, showing up today, showing up even for yourself, because we know that sometimes that is the hardest thing to do is to show up for ourselves. So thank you Also. Happy Mother's Day For every mother out there listening. This is the hardest job in the world, as we know. It comes with no manuals at all. We just kind of wing it. I have two sons and I had no idea what I was doing with either, and I think they turned out pretty great. So I just want all of you moms to know I see you, you are doing amazing. Keep going, and you deserve all the love every day, but especially on today. And happy Mother's Day to my mom, if she's listening. Today. Kind of a weird.
Speaker 1:I should have timed this better, but we're going to talk about anger for our journaling series today and how anger, which is normally a secondary emotion, shows up in our life when we are suppressing other things that we need. Maybe this is a Mother's Day message, because how many moms get so angry about things? Because we have to hold our tongues for a multitude of reasons keeping the peace. I'm exhausted. I don't want to talk about it. Single moms out there, you just don't even know up from down. I don't even know how to be angry. I don't even know what I need in these moments, or I don't know what I need in these moments, and then it comes out as anger. So how can we really think about how this shows up in our lives, in all aspects of it, and in this journaling series that we're doing, we're uncovering all those emotions under anger. Or last week we talked about settling, the week before we talked about shame. The week before we talked about self-worth and understanding your worth, and so today we're going to focus on anger.
Speaker 1:Like we start all of our podcasts in this series, I'm going to ask you to have your journal and something to write with, or your notes app, however you like to do that, and you're going to set your timer for three minutes. You're going to hit pause on the podcast and you're just going to go ahead and write, write without stopping, pour everything out of your brain and again you can write a letter to yourself, you can write a letter to someone else, you can name everything that you see in your house. You can write song lyrics, but I just want you to write for three minutes. Go ahead and pause and I'll see you back here. Welcome back. I hope that was fulfilling. I just love journaling. I have found that it has been so therapeutic to me throughout this journey of life, of healing, of what am I doing with myself. So my Bible verse. I have to start us today, because sometimes I like when we have something to focus on.
Speaker 1:There are a lot of Bible verses on anger, so it did take me a little bit to figure out which one was the best. Maybe I'll do two. Okay, the first one is Psalms 37.8. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath. Do not fret, it only leads to evil, which I thought was really poignant for today, because how often do we get angry and a lot of negative things come from it. In my world, if someone is angry, it's going to equal violence, violence of some sort. How often, when we're angry, do we ever get a positive outcome from that? So when we refrain from it, we are able to stay calm and not lead to anger.
Speaker 1:The other one is Proverbs 15.1,. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a hard word stirs up anger, and I think that one kind of comes from that. One kind of is connected to last week about settling and being very intentional with your word, because hard words I mean words can cut. We all know that. So when we think about anger as a secondary emotion, what words have we either used against ourselves or to someone else that have caused them to come out of character? So, as you realize anger, you know some of us are curious about it, some of us are like whatever, I'm angry and that's just what it is. But as a secondary emotion, you know that when someone is angry, the things that come with it are feeling disrespected, feeling embarrassed, jealousy, shame, settling. Also are feeling that we are not being validated with someone else because maybe they've done something to us. So it's causing an anger to come up and a lot of times it's because it seems it's because we have either stepped over our own boundary, abandoned ourself, or we have allowed someone else to step over our boundary, and a lot of times then all of a sudden, anger just bubbles to the surface. The last couple of weeks, in the episodes I have done, I've noticed after I've done the episode, I have felt angry and it's just this weird emotion that has sat on me and I've just been like, oh my gosh, I know it's all connected back to that self-abandoning. Why was I allowing? Why was I accepting? Again, going back and back to that. But yeah, so let's dig in, let's dig in.
Speaker 1:I've talked to a lot of friends this week just kind of asking for their when they get angry. How does it show up when they get angry? Who has taught them about anger? So that's what we're going to kind of get into them about anger. So that's what we're going to kind of get into. Who's taught you that anger has been unsafe, unlovable or shameful? I think that's the connotation that comes with that word Growing up. For me, anger again automatically meant violence and feeling very, very unsafe. Whether you're going to yell that or other things were happening in the home, anger has never felt okay. So now that I just say that out loud, I wonder if I've ever been taught how to express anger, because to me it's a scary negative. Almost I'm going to use the word weak, almost a weak way to try to get your point across right Like someone throwing a temper tantrum To me. If I'm angry, I feel shameful, I feel unsafe.
Speaker 1:Once I'm angry, I feel like I have to go back and apologize for what I said, for what I did. And then what makes me so angry that I don't allow myself to express? So when you're getting angry, what is it that you haven't been able to express? Have you found? And often it's that maybe we have opposite views of someone and we don't feel safe to express them. So we feel upset. We don't have, at least for me. I don't have the words to articulate what I'm trying to say. I feel like people are smarter than me, so I will repress what I have to say, but I'm getting angry because I don't agree with it.
Speaker 1:Again hurting someone's feelings and not being able to come forward. So I'm just going to lash out in anger because it feels easier. Embarrassment, again, jealousy, when someone repeatedly does something to hurt me and we can talk about this with other people too. But when someone repeatedly does something to hurt me that I've expressed hurts me, and they keep doing it, and then I get angry and then they look at me like wait a minute, I've always done this. What's the big deal now? But again that goes back to like settling. Why didn't I leave the first time? Why didn't I leave the second time. And when I say leave, I mean friendships, ships, job ships, whatever the ship is that you're on.
Speaker 1:So where in your life, I want you to think, have you been tolerating too much for too long and how does that sit in your body? Where in your life have you tolerated too much for too long and how does that sit in your body? Where in your life have you tolerated too much for too long and how does that sit in your body? I thought about this for a while, just because I was like what have I tolerated too much? And I think a few of the things are number one being made fun of for being gay, not necessarily like haha, you're gay, but like all the gay jokes that come with it and hey, I love a good gay joke, do not put one past me. But I felt like it was being told to me out of shame or out of mockery, not like let's have fun together.
Speaker 1:I've tolerated too long being told I have big emotions or I'm too emotional. That phrase like it's not that deep, it's not that big of a deal, it drives me nuts, because maybe to me it is. But also, if it is, what have I not been saying for a while that I'm making it such a big deal Not being treated with the same respect. I treat others with understanding that I wouldn't treat one person the same way they treat me, and then I get angry but also having to realize that like that's their character, their way of being. I can't control that. I can't control me and how I react and if I need to remove myself or say something and because of these things I was like how do I, how does this sit in my body? Because of these things? I read the room and people. Before I reveal too much, I make sure I watch my words, not upset others and again, I've tried to get better at this. So this isn't like always. I know who I can be emotional around and who I need to play down with.
Speaker 1:But then that goes into my next question of how has repressing my anger or you can ask yourself this too how has repressing your anger impacted your self-worth and relationships? Where were there moments where, like you, just lashed out and you broke trust with someone or broke a bond with someone or physically hurt someone or smashed a window or a car? How has your anger because you did not deal with maybe the other emotions under the surface of. Maybe they were disrespecting you for a long time, maybe you were feeling not seen for a long time, not heard for a long time and, instead of saying something or speaking up for yourself, it came out in this big way and then nothing good has come of it. So that's how it's maybe impacted your relationships. How has it impacted your self-worth?
Speaker 1:I think for me and I think I had two other friends saying the same thing they just know they can't be their maybe authentic self around certain people or groups have to repress thoughts or ideas so they don't cause ripples. And maybe that's not for everyone. I'm sure everyone has a different way anger has impacted them. But I think, if we're really true to ourselves and think about it, there are certain people that you know hey, I can be 100% me with, and there are certain people I just need to make sure I watch what I say, and that can be a good thing and that can be a bad thing. Right, when is it appropriate to say the things and when is it like does this really need to be said now or could I even wait for a different moment? Like, hey, if it's a friendship. Like hey, janet, I need to have this conversation with you because you know this topic keeps coming up and I feel uncomfortable and I don't know how to say something in the moment. Can we have a side conversation about it?
Speaker 1:Side note, I have named my brain Janet. I don't know if I've talked about this before. So I saw a lady talking about how her brain, like after a divorce, she had all these negative thoughts and she couldn't get out of it. So she named her brain. She named her brain Becky, but I named my brain Janet. So when Janet brings up all these negative things, I'm like Janet, I don't want to talk about that right now. Janet, I don't want to gossip, and let me tell you, janet likes to gossip about me a lot. So just a little trick I learned side note on that, sorry about that, I digress Maybe name your brain, and when you get angry, you can be like hey, janet, what do you actually need right now?
Speaker 1:So my next question for you is when you feel angry, what is that underlying need or crave? I? I hate to admit this, but when I'm angry I don't feel safe. So when I'm angry, or when someone else is angry, I instantly do not feel safe, even if I don't want to talk to the person. All I really want is to feel seen. I think that's my underlying craving, is to feel seen and heard, and that secret part of me just wants that person to grab my hand or hold me and just be like I'm in it with you, like the safety of feeling, like we're both really angry in this moment but I'm here with you because I'm so terrified people are going to walk away. So when I'm, someone is angry with me and they walk away from me, that feeling of abandonment just like flies up. So where does what do you crave right up? So what do you crave in those moments? Do you crave respect? Do you crave truth, voice safety?
Speaker 1:I've had some people say when they're angry, don't continue on with the conversation, don't fuel the conversation by continuing to add Give me space, some people need space. Some people have said get curious, listen to me If we're in an argument or if I'm angry, ask, try to see my point of view. Like, try to see my point of view, even if you don't agree with it. Try to see my point of view. So, really trying to name what are those feelings under when I'm angry. Besides, just like, yeah, I just want them to agree with me because you can agree with me, but maybe you're just sugarcoating it so we can move past this what do you actually need to feel? Secure and seen and safe in that moment?
Speaker 1:And then, when you are angry, where do you feel it in your body? So, the more you are able to pinpoint and again, our body is the smartest thing that we have your intuition knows before anything else in your life. Your intuition is like something's off and you're like nothing is actually wrong. Your intuition just knows right. Your body just knows something is not right. Something is about to happen. You can tell like people's energy, like when they walk into a room, when they're not being truthful, when they are being truthful, when their energy is low, when their energy is high. You can feel that authenticity within them.
Speaker 1:So, when it comes to anger, where do you feel that? And some people have said their chest and shoulders, almost like explosive electrocuting, which I can definitely connect with on that. Some people have said they feel it in their gut first, and then the feeling moves out to their fingertips, into their toes. Some people said into my gut and then it bubbles into my gut and then it like bubbles, like it feels like a volcano, slowly bubbling into their shoulders and their neck and it like just comes out everywhere. I would also say with the, with the anger definitely in my gut. It's almost like my stomach drops and it feels like my whole body has been electrocuted.
Speaker 1:And and then like I kind of get cold and I don't know if that's my freeze coming in, because I'm very much a freeze person. I don't fight, I might run, but I almost always freeze, like I'm a freeze kind of person. So maybe that coldness comes from freezing. I just don't know what to do in that moment. So where do you feel anger in your body? How do you know when it's coming? And then my next question on that is once you know that anger is coming, do you know how to A slow it down, b name it and C what to do next? So I don't know how to do it. I don't know what to do, because I'm a freeze person. I will freeze and then like I lose all of my words and the person who I am angry with or arguing with might think I'm shutting down or running away. But really I can't think, and the more you talk at me, the more I I guess I will shut down because I don't know what to do in those moments. So this brings me to one of my last few points of healthy anger.
Speaker 1:What does healthy anger look like? And I think when we get curious about it, that's when it becomes healthy. Like what is my anger trying to tell me? Maybe not in the moment, like if you are in a huge fight with someone or at work, like maybe you won't be able to be, like can we just pause this, cause I'm feeling triggered and I need to go figure it out. You might not have that capability in that moment, but maybe if you're by yourself and you start to feel angry about a situation or a person or a job, like okay, what, what's going on? Like, am I okay? I'm irritated. Why am I irritated? Cause I'm not being heard, because I've asked for something three or four times. Okay, so if all these things are happening now, I need to make a decision. I say one more thing or I put my foot down, I ask for compromise, or I have to leave.
Speaker 1:I think healthy anger comes with trying to understand where anger is coming from, being able to name it and identify with it and then processing, moving forward with that. So a friend of mine, one of her responses was have you heard of the thunderstorm or turtle analogy? And I said no, but it kind of makes sense. She said if you are a thunderstorm person, you want to argue about it, talk about it, solve it right now, right here, right now, and you might see if the other person needs a minute. You might see that person as like shutting down the other person. The other anger person which I identify with is the turtle, and the turtle needs to go in their shell. They need to process. They might even need to avoid it for a little while. The more we can understand how we communicate, the better it's going to be. Because, again, if I'm in a ship with a romantic person, this is a conversation I want to be able to have right away.
Speaker 1:If we're in an argument are you a thunderstorm or are you a turtle, or maybe you can say that differently Because when we get in that argument, I'm going to know how you're going to react. If I'm a turtle and I go into my shell and you just keep yelling at me and yelling at me and yelling at me or getting angry with me. Oh, my goodness gracious, nothing good is going to come of it, right? I'm going to feel embarrassed, I'm going to feel ashamed. I might completely shut down. I won't know how to process. I won't even be able to hear what you're trying to say. If you're a thunderstorm and I'm a turtle and you want to talk about all these things and I go into my shell, I can only imagine what that's going to do to you. So I think it's really important to identify. I am a turtle. If you guys see me in argument, I am a turtle.
Speaker 1:But the more we understand ourselves, the better we'll be able to show up in our ships with other people. Think about that. So, first step in anger, be intentional about addressing it. This is really hard. It happens. Maybe for some of you it happens a lot.
Speaker 1:I think if you get angry a lot, there's a lot of emotion under this. If you don't get angry very often, but every once in a while when you do, you really explode, okay. So there is definitely some part of your life that you need to go in with and really heal. How can you do that? How can you show up for yourself in those moments of wanting to explode in those moments of feeling again. We can go back to embarrassed, we can go back to someone has crossed a boundary or you have abandoned yourself. When do you maybe just need a minute to go outside, sit in the sun with a banana and a glass of water and just think the last prompt before I leave you in your journal what part of me is finally ready to be heard and protected by my own voice? What part of me is finally ready to be heard and protected by my own voice? All right, I appreciate you showing up. I appreciate you pressing play. I appreciate you sharing this with me. Stay cute, stay loud, Keep dancing even when everyone is watching. Peace.
