Go Ask Sawyer
Go Ask Sawyer
Part 2: Fixer, Pleaser, Achiever: The Masks We Hide Behind
We explore the concept of emotional masks and how they impact our authenticity, focusing on identifying which masks we wear and why we put them on in the first place.
• Continuing our journaling series "The Truth of it All" focusing on emotional honesty
• Examining common masks: the people pleaser, the fixer, and the overachiever
• Understanding what's beneath our masks and why we developed them
• Exploring what parts of ourselves never got a chance to be expressed
• Asking powerful questions like "Who are you when no one is clapping, needing or evaluating you?"
• Reflecting on how faith connects to embracing our authentic selves
• Acknowledging the challenge and beauty of transitioning to new versions of ourselves
Stay cute, stay loud, keep dancing, even when everyone is watching.
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Hello and happy Sunday. Welcome to Go Ask Sawyer. This is your host, jamie, and you have come into our new series of journaling, a journaling series in which we are uncovering different parts of ourself. We've looked at shame, we've looked at anger, we've looked at how we really can see and understand our worth and then, right now, we're looking at like, why we lie. So we are in a mini series called the Truth of it All, a journey into emotional honesty, learning how to become very honest with ourselves. Last week and this week, we focused on why we lie to ourselves. Next week and the week after, we are going to focus on why we lie to people in our lives. So today our episode is called who Are you Without the Mask, without having to put on a separate mask or different masks in your life? And maybe you are lucky enough to not wear masks at all, or maybe you find that you have to wear. So we'll get into that a little bit more.
Speaker 1:But to start our series off, as we always do, we are going to start our journaling. So grab a notebook and something to write with or your note app that also works and you are going to take three minutes and just journal anything, anything and everything. You write letters to someone, lyrics of a song. If you've been journaling a while, just dump out your brain whatever is in there, giving ourself just a moment to get clear and be ready for today. So I'm going to ask you right now to take a pause. Pick up that pen or pencil and that timer, set it for three minutes, pause the episode and get to writing and welcome back. I really hope that that was therapeutic and felt good for whatever that was for you. I really love journaling. I found it was a way for me to just get clear with myself and to kind of understand a little bit deeper what I was dealing with. I also found that I was hiding from myself in my journal, so this gave me an opportunity to try to be as truthful as I could with myself.
Speaker 1:Most of us build our identity around survival, so when we think about our mask, just like in Halloween, we're pretending we're someone else. Sometimes it's fun for different parties, maybe for mask parties, but most of the time we're doing it because of different things we have been taught. So maybe you became a people pleaser. Right, I'm a recovering people pleaser. You're always agreeable, you're always accommodating, you're always flexible. You say yes when maybe you don't want to say yes, or you can even use people pleasing in manipulative ways. You want someone to do something or you don't want someone to do something. You want someone to like you, so you do what you can to please them. Be flexible, say yes, be nice.
Speaker 1:But often we are also taught I think more women than men that that is the way you should be seen. You should be seen as agreeable. If we are not, you know we're considered bitchy or aggressive or too much. You know we're considered bitchy or aggressive or too much. If you are somebody who doesn't always go with the flow, maybe oh my gosh, they're very difficult, they're so extra, they're so demanding we become this people pleaser. So others, others right, don't give us these other masks that we might not want to put on.
Speaker 1:Maybe we become the achiever the overachiever to put on. Maybe we become the achiever the overachiever. We're always getting the right grades, the good promotions, the praise, the good jobs, the good partners, the good house. We become that person that I don't want to say can't ever be happy in the present moment, but is almost always striving to like what's next or what can I get next, and you might not even be gloating about it, like, oh my gosh, look at all the things I have. But in your head you must constantly be achieving the next thing, because if you are just staying in one place, maybe you consider that staying stuck, or you're lazy or comfortable Okay, or maybe you are the fixerer. You carry the emotional weight for every single person around you. And who taught you to become a fixer? Why are you a fixer? Why do you feel the need to maybe fix other people's problems, to take on other people's emotions, to do other things for people they have not asked you to do? And as I'm'm saying this, I'm definitely I'm having some aha moments of my own, like, oh, I do that right. Like you see a problem and you take it on yourself to just fix a situation when no one has asked you to do that in the first place. Again, why do we do that? Is it validation, feeling wanted, feeling needed?
Speaker 1:It's a mask that I wear, that I am the fixer. I want to be the fixer. Why is that? If I take my mask off, what do I actually want to be? The person that just does not care? The person that kind of just wants to watch, whatever it is, all go up in smoke, the person that just wants to sit back and let you try to figure it out, the people, pleaser. If I take my mask off, what am I afraid people will see? I don't agree with you. I don't actually like you. I don't like the situation. I don't want to be flexible. I don't want to have to say yes all the time when I'm really saying no.
Speaker 1:So, thinking about, what mask are we wearing? I talked to a friend recently who said a mask that they wear is that they're an extrovert. They love being out and talking to people and the life of the party and the good time, but really they would rather just be at home on their couch doing whatever they wanted to do. And I said, well, why do you wear that mask? What are you afraid of? And they said, well, if I'm not the life of the party, then who am I? Or if I'm not the life of the party or this extrovert, is everyone still going to want to hang out with me? And that just really got me thinking about the masks that I wear and why I wear them. What am I trying to disappear from? What is an identity that maybe I am not ready to take on, at some point, the masks. The mask, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:At some point the masks make us less authentic because once again, we are not really being ourselves, our true selves. We are scared to try on something new, try out something new, decide if maybe what I'm doing or not doing is working. I really feel like I have been many different versions of myself in many different relationships that I've had, and maybe all the versions are somewhat similar. I could ask friends that I've been connected with for years, but a part of me feels like I was a really, really bad people pleaser for a while, meaning like I didn't know how to say no to things without worrying that someone was going to not like me, and I feel like I'm slowly coming out of that. There are still areas that I want to make sure everyone is happy and pleased out of that. There are still areas that I want to make sure everyone is happy and pleased, but I'm working really hard to get out of that. There are areas where I still see myself automatically going in to try to fix a situation or someone or something, when it is not my job.
Speaker 1:But that's that control thing, that's that like why do I constantly feel the need to fix other people and other things? Why can't I pour into myself that way, the way I pour into other people? What mask am I even wearing for myself? So asking yourself, like, if you are a people pleaser, who is under that? If you are a fixer, who is under that? If you are the life of the party, who is under that?
Speaker 1:If you go out and your mask is about finances, like you got it all together, you got this no big deal, but you go home and realize you don't have it all together, why feel the need to wear that mask out Under the overachiever? What are they scared of? What are you not wanting? The overachiever might need to feel that, no matter what, they are amazing, they are loved, they are intelligent, they are smart. The achiever might even need to hear that, like, being slow is just as important as being fast. Being in the present moment is just as strong and achieving as setting all those goals in the future and learning how to create them. So I really want you to think about when you think about your mask.
Speaker 1:Okay, because we wear this, because somewhere along the way we were taught this is someone we had to be, and now, as adults, at whatever age we're at, we're learning that I don't necessarily have to be that way. So then ask yourself what part of me never got a chance to speak when I was a child? What did I know about myself? But recently, or now in adulthood, you've forgotten. I really like this last one.
Speaker 1:If you didn't have to prove anything to anyone, how would you show up in the world? Who are you when no one is clapping, needing or evaluating you? I'm going to say that one more time because I feel like these last two questions, if you journal about them, can really start to help you get to the root of things. If you didn't have to prove anything to anyone, how would you show up in this world? Who are you when no one is clapping, needing or evaluating you? Once you can answer these questions, I feel like you're going to start to find that part of yourself that's been patiently waiting behind this mask, like what are the things that you really want to say?
Speaker 1:Mark 11, 23 to 24 says truly, I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, go throw yourself into the sea and does not doubt in their heart, but believes that what they have to say will happen. It will be done for them. Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours. And after this verse, I journaled a bit and just said like have faith. It's all about having faith. Having faith in yourself that you are able to stand in who you are when no one is clapping for you, having faith that you are who you are without being needed or validated, and having faith that you will be completely accepted and who you are even if no one is there. And those are the best moments, right? Those are the absolute best moments.
Speaker 1:Once we learn to take these masks off, we're really able to truly see, like, oh my gosh, this is who I am. Or oh my gosh, I've made all these mistakes along the way because I was wearing this mask, because I was worried about A, b or C, I don't know. I'm in this weird moment, these last two weeks, in which I feel like I'm on the verge of a new version of myself, or maybe even like a new version of life, or let's just say, let's just put a period on it. A whole cycle of my life has literally ended. In the last three weeks there have been so many ties cut ties tied and complete circle moments happen and it's just. It's this feeling in my gut that like I'm about to enter something new and I'm so excited and I'm working so hard to show up as this version of myself that I'm trying to get to and I know and I know she's there and I know she's amazing.
Speaker 1:But when you haven't been that version of yourself, it's going to take you a minute and it's going to be scary and you're going to have to maybe talk different or pause different and think different and respond different. And that's really hard if you've never done that different. So take that mask off today. What is lying under it? What is that inner child waiting for the world to see? And don't be scared to try. A new version of you. Every version of you is beautiful. They all just want to be able to come to life. So until next time, stay cute, stay loud, keep dancing, even when everyone is watching. Peace.
