Go Ask Sawyer
Go Ask Sawyer
Part 2-The Silent War: When What's Left Unsaid Speaks Volumes
What we don't say in relationships is still speaking. Silence, people-pleasing, and passive-aggressive behavior become forms of dishonesty that create voids in our relationships instead of keeping the peace.
• Avoiding hard conversations doesn't keep the peace but creates a quiet war and builds resentment
• The longer we swallow small frustrations, the harder it becomes to address issues before they explode
• When we think we're "fine" but feel disconnected, our bodies often signal the truth through stomach tightness or that gut feeling
• Relationships require brave honesty - having faith that truth, even uncomfortable truth, ultimately serves connection
• Effective communication tools include expressing feelings directly instead of shutting down
• Taking space when needed ("I need 24 hours") can prevent unnecessary escalation
• How others respond to our truths reflects their character, not our worth
• The only way to the other side is through - silence is never neutral, it either protects connection or erodes it
• You don't have to be loud to be heard - the louder you get, the less people will hear you
This week, pay attention to where you decide to be quiet in your relationships. Let's keep practicing brave honesty with ourselves and with others.
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Hey, happy Sunday. Welcome back to Go Ask Sawyer. This is Jamie, your host in our journaling series of Go Ask Sawyer. This will mark the last in the series of specific journal prompts and our lying series. Today we are talking about what we don't say is still speaking. So, specifically in relationships, when we are holding back, when we are lying, when we are protecting, what we don't say is still speaking. Today is all about silence, people pleasing and how passive, aggressive behavior becomes a form of dishonesty. And how passive, aggressive behavior becomes a form of dishonesty.
Speaker 1:Even when we think we are avoiding conflict, we're still saying something, and I'm sure a lot of us can think about times when we were trying to keep the peace and in doing so, you are really just creating another void. I'm thinking back to times when, again, we go back to like everything's fine and I know people like hate that term, but everything is fine when it's really not but then the air feels different. Maybe your stomach feels different. You don't feel connected to your person anymore. That gut feeling that you have starts to come. So, although you're avoiding conflict or again keeping the peace in your relationship, what is it actually doing? There is no peace being kept, and I think we have heard that time and time and time and time again right Like, just have the hard conversation, put everything on the table, get the elephant out of the room. Have the hard conversation, put everything on the table, get the elephant out of the room. But sometimes it feels so much harder to do that just because, especially if you've avoided certain topics in relationships for long enough, you know that once that jar comes off, there is going to be so much more down there. So how can we use today's episode to really think about A maybe? What elephants are in our relationships? What's in our jars that we're like man. Once this lid comes off, it is going to be ugh, but also how freeing would that feel? And then how do we want to show up in relationship? I'm thinking about some friendships. I have some past romantic relationships that I've had and it's like if I would have just pulled that lid off sooner, if I would have just had the courage to have those conversations sooner, how could those ships have been mended, severed, because not every ship needs to sink, right, not every ship needs to end.
Speaker 1:I guess I've always just thought of well, once your trip is done, it's done, and maybe that isn't always the case, like maybe time needs to pass before you take another ride, before you have another conversation, to really hear each other, because the more we're willing to listen oh, what was the Bible verse today? John, james, james, 1.19. My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Speak and slow to become angry. Now, I really love that verse because I feel like it gives us kind of an insight, the more that we're able to hear each other, like really hear each other, not just like here to respond, but really hear each other. Which is why don't therapists, don't? They say something like what I hear you saying is and I know people get real irritated with that, but sometimes it's like you need that, what, like, what are you hearing me say? Because your perspective might not be my perspective, and now I feel like I'm going on a tangent. So let me just quickly pause. Let's get out that journal. Okay, let's get out that journal. Let's take our three minutes and again, this is the last in our journaling series where we are very focused. Please continue journaling, and I might even continue. I'll probably continue giving journal prompts, but get out that journal, set your timer for three minutes and I just want you to write, write, write, write, write. Maybe write about what's in the jar. Maybe write about what's in the jar. So hit pause and I'll see you back here in three. All right, welcome back, let's get into it. What was in your jar? What is the elephant in the room that you do not want to deal with?
Speaker 1:Avoiding hard conversations and I think we all know this doesn't keep the peace, it creates a quiet war and again, it creates resentment and we can even think about and reflect on. We've done a couple episodes now on lying, like how we lie to ourselves the masks that we wear and then we end up resenting either ourself for the mask that we're wearing or we resent other people for treating us specific, certain ways because of that mask we wore. I mean, you can blame the other person, but if you are not showing up as your true, authentic self, the other person only has what you're showing up as to go on no-transcript when you really wanted to scream. How many times have you oh, I'm so bad at this. I usually and I think most people that know me know like I do say it's fine. I've been trying not to as often as I used to say it's fine, but I'll take a deep breath and then I just start going okay, okay, like I can feel myself just shut down, especially when I know that someone isn't hearing me. So then I need to think about what do I need from the person I'm talking to to feel heard? Is it a response, or is it for them to validate a feeling? I'm feeling like? I hear that you're really upset with me. I hear that I've hurt you. I hear that you didn't feel supported by me. How many times have you swallowed a thousand small frustrations because either you didn't want to feel like you were too much, or it's just gotten too far down the line Because you have already swallowed all those previous frustrations. It's like, well, what if I explode now? What if I talk about this now? That's usually well. My first two relationships I was in romantic ships. That's how they both ended with an explosion because so many truths that probably needed to be talked about were pushed down. And this last ship I was in I stayed way past expiration date because I was overcorrecting what I had done previously. And neither are helpful right Like all end in heartbreak. So how can you have those harder conversations sooner? And again, I think we've talked about walking in faith how can you have those conversations sooner and understand that? Have faith that, however that's going to end is going to end? I think we respect people way more when they're willing to sit with the uncomfortable conversations, when they're willing to sit with the reality that they also added to the uncomfortable the sadness. Like dang, I didn't support you.
Speaker 1:I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, which I do need to revisit this conversation now that it's coming up. We were talking about how we support each other and she said something about my friends. We have to realize that everyone shows support in different ways. It might not always be the way you want people to show support, and I think she had said friends in my life don't support me, or my dream, something along those lines. And I should have said because, of course, I got the feeling in my stomach like or my dream, something along those lines. And I should have said, because of course, I got the feeling in my stomach like oh my gosh, she's talking about me, I probably just went wrong, blah, blah, blah, whatever, instead of saying how do you want support to be shown.
Speaker 1:I had a realization that I am gay, but I don't have many anyone, people that say happy Pride Month. What does it mean to be supportive of you in the LGBTQ community? And I don't, like, sometimes, I know, sometimes I don't, but then when I really thought about it, it was like, dang, do you, do I have people that support me because it's me? Or do I have people that support that? Like? If I wasn't gay, I'd find out they actually don't support gay people. Should that matter? I don't gay, I'd find out they actually don't support gay people. Should that matter? I don't know. I do think it should matter in my head, but again, it's those things that we don't want to talk about, because once we start talking about them, truth comes out, reality comes out, and then we might need to take a step back, to take space, to take that moment. What we don't say is still speaking, specifically in how we interact with people that maybe we have kept truth from, and I mean we don't talk enough I don't think about.
Speaker 1:We always talk about the romantic ship, right, like, because that's where a lot of conflict comes. This person sees me naked. This person, you know, makes out with me. This person. I tell my hopes and dreams to this person. I want I argue with dishes, naked. This person, you know, makes out with me. This person. I tell my hopes and dreams to this person. I want I argue with dishes about this person I want to build a life with. So they're going to trigger everything about me. They're going to bring up all this other stuff.
Speaker 1:But what about those friendships that you start to question as you get older, those friendships that you're like? Have we talked about support in a long time? And I mean, some friendships are just, you know, surface level. Some are deep, some people are very open and willing, but how are we showing up for each other when things aren't? When we need conflict to get fixed? Some tools, when we need conflict to get fixed, some tools right, Some things that might help to start hard conversations, especially if you have felt just pushed to the side or not supported.
Speaker 1:You could say I feel dismissed. I could say it feels like you're ignoring me, instead of saying like I don't know whatever, I don't want to deal with this, whatever, it's fine, it's fine. Instead of saying like I don't know whatever, I don't want to deal with this. Whatever, it's fine, it's fine. Could you even say do you feel supported, saying I need some time. I need time for myself tonight. Can we talk tomorrow morning? I need 24 hours. I promise I'll come back. That's a big thing for me.
Speaker 1:It has not been often I've been able to practice this where I can say, hey, I need a minute. Or can we have this conversation tomorrow so we're able to think, because I have anxious attachment that I'm working on Because I don't want to. You know, like explode Slow to anger. How often I was just journaling today about anger. And how many times when we just like let all that anger out and it feels so good in the moment, but afterwards you're like, ah, that's not how I wanted to show up, or they didn't hear anything I had to say. They shut me out, they shut me down.
Speaker 1:The more that we can speak on things when they're small. Hey, that hurt my feelings. Hey, it would really help if you showed support doing X, y and Z. Hey, I'm starting this new project, or I always invite you to this and you never come. Have the conversation right away and understand it might hurt like both of us might be hurt.
Speaker 1:It's never fun to feel like if, when my friends come to me and say, like Jamie, I don't feel supported by you or I don't like that, you keep judging me when I do this, or whatever the case may be, that's hard for me to hear because I pride myself on how I love my people. But I also know that I am human and I can be self-centered and I get lost in my own world and I don't always think about other people and but and but. I think it builds such a deeper trust and love when we're willing to have those conversations. I feel bad if I'm hurting your feelings by telling you that you hurt my feelings and I need to not feel that way. But I feel like the more that I'm trying to practice this and just be open to it and be like it's okay. This conversation is going to hurt, but the only way to the other side is through. The only way to the other side is through and that other person's emotions are not my I don't want to say not my responsibility, because I kind of hate that phrase, but also I can't control how they're feeling and I can't control how they're acting, but I can control how I show up and I can control what I have to say. How people respond. How people react says a lot about who they are and their character, and I can say the same thing for myself.
Speaker 1:The truth is, silence is never neutral. It either protects connection or it erodes, it pulls it away. This week, see what happens, especially y'all in this full moon week Holy cow. Anyone else like not been able to sleep crazy dreams that full moon on it's officially full moon on Thursday, this last Thursday, but Wednesday I went to this full moon yoga on the beach and it was just like so intense and like my throat chakra I feel like I want to cry all the time and I'm like what is going on world?
Speaker 1:But this week I really want you to pay attention to where you decide to be quiet in your relationships All the ships friendships, love ships, family ships. Where are you staying silent? Where are you just needing to have the dang conversation and it's not going to be perfect and not like in an aggressive way. Just honestly, you don't have to be loud to be heard and actually the louder you get, the less people will hear you. You just have to show up being you and being real. So let's keep practicing this brave honesty in with ourselves and in our relationships. And, as always, my loves stay cute, stay loud, keep dancing even when everyone is watching Peace.
