Go Ask Sawyer
Go Ask Sawyer
Quick Conversation with Vilar: Finding Home After Loss
Justin shares his powerful journey of being adopted from Tijuana, Mexico to two white lesbian parents in rural Wisconsin and how he navigated identity, loss, and finding his authentic self. From dealing with the passing of his beloved grandparents to meeting his birth mother in a full-circle moment, his story reveals how breaking free from limiting environments leads to personal healing.
• Growing up as a Mexican adoptee in a conservative white community created a constant feeling of being unsafe outside his home
• Losing his grandparents during college sent him down a dark path before he found healthier ways to process grief
• College provided his first opportunity to remove the "mask" he'd worn and connect with diverse people who accepted him fully
• Meeting his birth mother at 21 in the same hotel where he was adopted created a profound healing experience
• Reconnecting with childhood joys like soccer helped him honor his grandparents' memory rather than staying stuck in grief
• Learning to stop chasing love and instead attract authentic relationships by staying true to himself
• Finding healing through embracing "safe discomfort" and honoring his inner child's happiness
If you're struggling with loss or identity, remember that who you were is different from who you are, which is different from who you will be. Stay cute, stay loud and keep dancing, even when everyone's watching.
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Should I be, hey, welcome to Go Ask Sawyer. This is Jamie, your host. Happy Sunday Season. Five of Go Ask Sawyer is all about how other people heal through their own events, their own traumas, because you have heard enough about me talking about all the stuff I have been through. We have heard from Toya, from Universal Tease. We have heard from Beth. We have heard from Toya from Universal Tease. We have heard from Beth. We have heard from Jamie, and today we are going to hear from the vlogger, or should I say Justin? How should I say your name?
Speaker 2:Call me Pedro, I don't care, you can call me dude, I'm very open to whatever Call me Justin for now.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, we'll stick with Justin. We're going to stick with Justin. I don't know that I don't know that.
Speaker 2:I know that's college shit.
Speaker 1:Okay. So I'm going to say Justin, which is also weird for me to say yeah, this is a past teacher, friend Brad.
Speaker 2:Oh, wait yeah.
Speaker 1:Way back in the trenches French days. But we got out. Well, he got out. I just moved to higher grade levels, yeah.
Speaker 2:Point being, neither one of us are in our old school.
Speaker 1:We couldn't talk about the trauma of working in middle school. Like that could definitely Like how you would go home and like your brain would just bang around in your head for a while and you'd wonder, like because you taught elementary?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I taught middle school and it's just anyway all right. So I thought I'd bring you on to talk about whatever you feel like talking about. I mean, I could probably list a million things, but has there been anything in your life that you've gone through that you've had to kind of sit with, to either release that you've to have that has changed you as a person, that has made you better, or you've just had to kind of grapple with?
Speaker 2:yeah, a couple things. I mean there's lots of different points in my life, but I think two of the big one big ones were obviously being adopted from a different country. So for people listening, I was adopted.
Speaker 1:I don't think anyone knows you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, yeah. So I was adopted as a baby from Tijuana, mexico, to two white lesbian parents and brought back to Wisconsin and grew up in a very conservative, rural white area Bubble. That's quite the bubble, oh shit, there was a lot of shit with that. That's a big thing for me. And then the passing of my grandparents was another really big two kind of moments. They were kind of close together in a way, but losing both of them was, uh, something I really had to work through why was that such a big thing for you, losing grandparents though it's particular um, really big, because my parents were always working.
Speaker 2:So, um, as a kid, like my grandparents, would you know, before school, like take us for like daycare or whatever. And then you know, when we went to school they'd be there to pick us up or sometimes help drop us off, take us, you know, take me to soccer practices and stuff. So they were kind of like your second parents. Yeah, the other thing with that is they lost their very first son as a child or as a little boy. I can't remember what it exactly was, but I think, because I was the only boy in our family, I think we had a little more of a connection, because they lost Robin, my uncle, as a kid and then I came along, so I think they were kind of latched on to me a little more.
Speaker 1:You're like that son that they've lost and now they can kind of bring you up and then you know.
Speaker 2:Obviously you know all of that. But then always being there too with everything, I think we had a very special connection. So losing them was very hard for me, especially my grandma. She was the one that kind of got me into politics. Worldviews, trying to be more global than just Wisconsin. There's so much going on, not just the United States but around the world. We would always just talk about stuff like that. I feel like I've always kind of been looking for something after the past.
Speaker 1:How long ago was that?
Speaker 2:Nana, my grandma passed away when I was 21. And then my grandpa passed away a couple years later. It was a very dark place with that College being away from home, nobody really there to tell you any more what to do or like how to think. You know do things. So I kind of got into things that I definitely should not have so you took the healing path of uh, that we shouldn't go down. Oh shit should not be down there are definitely some stories and definitely some memories that I don't remember.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I was going to say how did you? Okay, so you used other things to heal, and maybe that didn't work out the best. Have you come to a place where you've been able to let go and heal in a more healthy way, or is that still an open wound?
Speaker 2:anyway, I think it's always going to be an open wound. I feel like it was kind of I mean, not that it will ever compare, but in a way losing parents in a weird kind of way. Since that I went down for me a dark path that took me to places, but after a while I think after losing my grandpa then it took me a little while to kind of get back, but now I would definitely say I'm in a much healthier spot than I have been and keep going.
Speaker 1:So if there's people out there listening that have lost grandparents or whatever and they would maybe like to use more of a numbing way, um, what are some things you could give them like, hey, this is a. This is a way I've found to heal that's healthier. This is a way that I've yeah done it.
Speaker 2:That might be better so a big thing for me in healing was when we had to like sell their house and like clear out all of their stuff, going through like some of those pictures and stuff and like seeing the things and the times that made me happy as a kid. And then trying to get back to those things. Like a big thing for me always has been soccer, or not just soccer but sports. So for a while there I kind of lost my way with that. But then, you know, got back to playing and even, you know, helping coach and stuff. Or you know, I've always been an animal lover, so getting a dog was a really big thing. That also helped. But I think at that time I was looking at, you know, clearing all this stuff out, and like, oh, those were really good times, like those are times that felt, you know, I felt really happy, at peace, like I want to get back to that now.
Speaker 1:So know I felt really happy, at peace, like I want to get back to that now, so almost embracing your childhood memories, not like using them as pain, but like let me sit with this, let me celebrate the times that we had together and then I want that kind of feeling like not that I'll ever get that exact feeling back, but like those were times or things that made me really happy as a kid.
Speaker 2:So I want to do what I can to get back to that good, happy feeling, rather than feeling depressed and, you know, down and dark and whatever. So, yeah, let's go towards the light.
Speaker 1:And darkness can really pull you in fast, and especially if you don't have a good community and not that you have to have a huge community, but if you don't have maybe a touchstone person or someone that you can can pull you out, like if you're just kind of deal dealing with stuff yourself. Yeah, I know so many people that lose people in their lives and they don't reach out because it's like I'll just, I'll handle it, I got it, it's fine. And then before you know it, they're in a dark place or they feel isolated and they feel alone instead of reaching out to say like hey, definitely not friendly towards me or my family in certain ways.
Speaker 2:But when I went off to college I met lots of different people from you know, all different backgrounds and everything. So I think having those friends now that had different life experiences too from what I was used to also really helped me move forward too as well. That was a really good, really healthy thing for me was to get away from the white conservative.
Speaker 1:It's like being at the center of attention, like or like everyone is white, oh, and then you go, and then you go off to college and it's like wait a minute, oh my gosh, they're so diverse and backgrounds and genders Blending a little bit, yes, and like stick out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that was really good and again a lot of my friends. That's kind of where that nickname Caesar kind of came in In high school. No, college oh college Because I had some friends and they were like oh Justin, like doesn't really fit with, like who you are, how you look and all this.
Speaker 2:I feel, weird calling you Justin. Oh no, I love that nickname. But they gave me that nickname kind of, you know, just in the dorms and everything, and it kind of took off a little more sturdiness and, like you know, embracing the new diversity with everything rather than holding on to like the I don't want to say like white justice name but like it's just you know, like you create a new identity for yourself, you were actually able to like embrace all you were with this new name, in a weird way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I felt like more I don't know. I felt more embraced by multiple different types of communities with that name. Like then, I don't know Justin, I just feel like Justin for me not knocking anybody out is the right thing.
Speaker 1:Great. Now it's going to be another Karen. Yeah, no but to me that is just like an old yeah, like yeah identity, whereas like it was just rooted in, like you know, this conservative white rural area, did it feel a little bit more superficial or like I have to act this way or do things like again where you grew up, like you're always thinking twice Again. I am a white woman, so have not been there, but like just being Justin felt like no one actually knows me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think, yeah, I feel like I kind of had to assimilate or fit in rather than, like, stand out. And I think, once you know I was moved to college and you know, given all this, I could kind of more stand out on my own and do my own things rather than trying to have to, like, fit in with everything, like because when I was growing up, where I was raised like, I was always told, like soccer is, you know, for gay people or whatever.
Speaker 1:Really, I didn't know that was the thing they would call. Yeah, even though I do't know that was a thing they would call.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they would call, but I didn't know that one For players like field fairies, really Field F words, you know, like it wasn't just, it wasn't a manly sport, okay, which I was.
Speaker 1:Which I see it, that's yeah, there's so much endurance you never stop running.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's so much endurance, you never stop running, yeah, but like I just, you know, football was the thing out there. So it was like, you know, if you weren't playing football, you weren't like a real man. And to me it was like, well, I love soccer because I'm fucking good at it. You've told me, yeah, well, that's a whole other thing, but yeah, so like once I was able to kind of embrace who I was. You know soccer, yeah, you know what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, yeah, like I was always told, you know you'll never. You can't do soccer, you're not like, that's not going to be cool. Or you know a man you got to play football and then, getting to college, it was like, oh dude, there's so many people.
Speaker 1:Everyone plays soccer. Yeah, everybody likes it, and it's actually really cool, yeah, and really fun, yeah, and not gay, yeah, which can be.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to mention anyone, no, but that was just such a thing at. You know, where I grew up was like just very anti-gay, anti, you know, minority, anti-everything. So it was like always. I always go back to me for how I grew up, like my home was my safe space, space like inside my house. Where I grew up was the safe space.
Speaker 1:As soon as I stepped out, everything in the world was unsafe, like it was just your guard was always up always up so did you constantly feel like when you came home did you almost like breathe a sigh of relief like I can finally like let down yeah, um, because I would always get followed home by police officers.
Speaker 2:Like the amount of times I got followed home from wherever I was going, plenty of times just, and they would drive past, you know, and I I was you know, 16, 17, yeah, like one time I got pulled over, uh, just going up to the gas station, you know a block and nothing, but yeah, officer came over, he had his gun on it, or his hand on his gun, like. He's like looking around with the flashlight, like what are you doing? Where are you going? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like I live like right over there. I'm literally just driving to the gas station to get some snacks. Yeah, like was I speeding gas station and get some snacks? He just pulled me over because DWB driving them all black or brown or whatever, but it was stuff like that, you know. And everything outside of my household I always felt like was never really safe. But when I was in my household there was always, you know, love and just you know, calm and peace and that was a big thing.
Speaker 1:That's huge, yeah, because I feel like sometimes people don't always have that. So I'm happy for in the bubble that you lived, that you had a safe space there. When you went off to college did that become not your safe space, not your home, but like you were able to let your guard down a little bit more in college.
Speaker 2:Yes, like I had made lots of friends of all. You know different backgrounds, you know whether you know they were black or brown or from you know different countries didn't always, you know, maybe speak English as a first language or maybe their sexual identity was different. There was just so much that I felt more able to go out and it was just easier to connect with people. I felt like I didn't have to put a front on or put a mask on to act a certain way I could just be who I was because I could find commonalities with whoever about whatever. Like I'm a very people person. You seem that way.
Speaker 2:So, like I love meeting new people but yeah, I always go back to like when I was a kid it was always kind of hard to make friends because you know there was just so much and I think people there didn't realize like how much like the conservative or whatever mindset like kind of played into like outcasting people. Like I could have been, you know, really good friends with another soccer player on the team, but because of you know they don't like gay people, they're not really going to want to hang out with me because of my parents or whatever. But you know we could have been like you know they don't like gay people, they're not really going to want to hang out with me because of my parents or whatever. But you know we could have been like you know, best friends, perfect match. Like you know, all this and that, but because of one thing or something, and it might not even have been that. It could have been other things.
Speaker 1:Well, I just feel like if you are part of the and I'm going to say this in quotes society, like if you're in, oh my gosh, can't talk, if you are in a white conservative bubble, you don't see. I feel like when I'm looking at people like you don't see how you affect anyone that does not look like you. Yeah, when you're in the majority, it's only minority, and I've talked to many, many friends about this and some say, like that's not even that big of a deal, I'm making too big of a deal about it and I'm like but I don't think I am. And again, I'm a white woman, so like I understand where I sit.
Speaker 1:But I also see a lot of things and people just don't even realize the way they're because it's so ingrained. Don't even realize the way they're because it's so ingrained. What do they say? Racism is just so ingrained in how we live that we don't even people don't even realize what they're doing, especially in those bubble towns, which is I even get scared going in those places, Like if I had a girlfriend, would I be scared to hold her hand in those places or would I just be like, fuck you, I don't really care anymore.
Speaker 2:I mean, there were plenty of times, like I know.
Speaker 1:And that was how many years ago you were in high school, what I graduated from 11. I mean, I just feel like every 10 years things are getting a little bit easier and harder at the same time. So I mean, back in the 90s, when I was in high school, divorce was a big deal.
Speaker 1:Like people, if your parents were divorced, it was like, oh man, divorce was a big deal. Like people, if your parents were divorced, it was like, oh man, and now it's like you know, you have two moms, you have two dads, you have interracial marriages, like now people. There's so much more and yet still the society of whatever is. This is right and this is wrong, but that's what America is.
Speaker 2:Well, I was going to say that it's like that's just America. I feel like, yeah, but yeah, I mean I can think of a time where you know one of our really close family friends who you know grew up doing a lot with. I just remember him running down the halls when I was in like seventh or eighth grade and yelling like vote no on gay marriage, like down with gay marriage. And I was like wait, dude, hold on my parents, literally like pick you up after school and stuff. Like you, our families are very close. You saying that, yeah, like what are you doing? Yeah, like again, I think it goes back to like your point of like he didn't see how that would affect other people because he's in his own little bubble. Yeah, which I you know. Honestly, I think now, looking at it, it's very interesting because I still think, you know, even today there's so many people in their own oh my gosh, there's something on their own bodies.
Speaker 2:It's like what the fight it's. I hate 25.
Speaker 1:We gotta I literally I feel like banging my head against the wall sometimes talking to people like you still think that way, like you still feel that, like you still think that way, like you still feel that way, you still think that way. Like what the actual fuck? Like it, it just boggles my mind, because then it feels like people aren't educating themselves at all. Yeah, so then, like the ignorance is just being passed down, instead of like, wait, let me, let me look into this, let me see where my biases are, let me see how I'm acting in the world, instead of like, oh well, we can go into the politics. I don't think that that'll be for a different season, but okay, I mean, that's a lot to carry with you.
Speaker 2:I feel like that kind of would just kind of interact in their first sight. But I feel like that was a real big reason why I think my grandma's death was kind of hard for me, just because you know she always kind of raised me in a way to be like you know the world is bigger than just Wisconsin and America in general. Like there's, you know, so many things happening all around. Like you know you can't be just in this little bubble. You got to learn about all of that. There's so many more people happening all around. Like you know you can't be just in this little bubble. You gotta, you gotta, learn about all of there's so many more people out there.
Speaker 1:There's so many more cultures out there, there's so many more religions out there. It's not just.
Speaker 2:I think America is very America, but there's so much.
Speaker 1:So much, and it's so beautiful. It is so beautiful, okay, so lost, of your grandparents growing up in a white conservative bubble, finally going to college, seeing some different, making new friends, realizing that like, oh my gosh, you have this whole amazing personality, and taking the mask off so you're also adopted. Yep, talk to me about that. When did you find out? Like, right, like about that when did you find out?
Speaker 1:uh, like right, like we're quick, like that's like early on, when I was like I feel like I don't look like my mom yeah, maybe I was in the south too long, but something like how old how did they tell you? Did it bother you right away? Did it bother you at all?
Speaker 2:are you like, it's never really bothered me. Maybe bottler's the wrong one. Yeah, I never really had an issue with it. So, like I know the story in the background of my mom, my birth mom, she was what 15, out on kind of the streets of Tijuana alone, you know, and back in Tijuana rough area. Yeah, still is.
Speaker 1:I was going to say isn't it still?
Speaker 2:Yeah, not, as there's definitely other parts, but every city's got its issues. But I always, I think, knew in the back of my mind I was different just because of where I was growing up. There was like nobody else that was black, brown or any other color. It was just pretty much blonde, blue-eyed, white, but so it never really affected me. I think a big thing, though, that did later was meeting my birth mom for the first time. How old were you 21.
Speaker 2:It's actually a really weird story, kind of, because my grandma passed away and then, like I said, I was kind of going on a dark, dark path or whatever and getting into things I definitely should have. So I took a bunch of mushrooms um one night.
Speaker 1:Sorry, I'm just putting this out there. It's okay, it's okay, it's about nothing.
Speaker 2:They're on the ground yeah, so that's what we can go. A whole month everybody um, took some mushrooms and was, you know, out with my new friends and they were kind of trying to help me, like you know, like not get over it. But, like you know, grandma loved to, you know. Like you know, it had like been like what two or three days after she had passed it was real fresh. So I was trying to kind of like numb everything you know with lots of different things, but I ended up taking some mushrooms.
Speaker 2:And then I just remember looking up at the sky at one point during like it was a full moon. I just remember like being, like, you know, having all these thoughts rumbling around in my head, and one of the thoughts was like I wonder how my mom's doing and like not just talking about like my adoptive parents, because you know, I can call them up, yeah, how are you guys doing? Yeah, but like my birth mom. And then it was really weird because like a week or two later I got a phone call from my adopted mom and she was like hey, I just got off the phone call with the like immigration lawyer. Your birth mom was wondering if you'd like to meet her, and it was like really weird how that all kind of synced up, but it was nothing fun about it, yeah. And then it was just like boom. So I was like yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:So you know, took the kind of last bit of cash. I had got a plane ticket. They came up from Chiapas, which is southern Mexico, to Tijuana. So we met in Tijuana. We actually met in the same hotel that I was adopted in.
Speaker 2:Oh really yeah, and it was really weird because both sides of my family were there my parents that I was adopted by my mom were there with my sister, who was also adopted from Tijuana, because I I have a sister, you know, gina. And then my birth family was also there as well. So I knocked on the door, I walked in and I just walked in and then my mom got up off the bed, she came over, she hugged me, she was crying, and then the next thing I know, everybody in the room is just standing around me, hugging me, crying, and I was just standing there like what the fuck is going on right now Like this is really crazy.
Speaker 2:I couldn't feel real. It was super, super crazy. But then the next day, literally the next, like three minutes later, my mom was talking to me in Spanish, and I know a little Spanish.
Speaker 1:You left a little Spanish on my voicemail today. I did.
Speaker 2:I can speak a little Spanish and just from my background, like more like ordering food or you know, with the restaurant stuff, you know she got real mad at me.
Speaker 1:She's like you don't know Spanish, blah, blah, blah and I was like I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:So it was really funny, like how that kind of just that mother, you know, like she's been seeing you. Yeah, I haven't seen you in 21 years but I'm still. Yeah, but it was good. You know, I found out that I've got a stepdad, Armando, who was great. My birth mom's name was Julia, or is Julia?
Speaker 1:We still connect every now and then I was just going to ask are you guys still connected?
Speaker 2:So she doesn't have Facebook. But my half-brother, armandito, has a Facebook. So every now and then, you know, we'll message each other Like how you doing Blah, blah, blah. And then I have a half-sister, to Evelyn. We kind of keep updated. I'd love to go see them again because I think that was a really big thing for me. But I think, you know, you know, I think after that moment too, I think that was another thing that kind of helped me move away from, like kind of the dark path that I was going down. I wish my grandpa, my grandpa wanted to come, but he was older and you know, just with the journey, and the flight.
Speaker 2:It was a little bit too much for him, but I'm kind of glad he kind of got to see me. I wish my grandpa would have been able to, like you know, see that, yeah, but it was a really good, really good experience and definitely, you know.
Speaker 1:How was it having all the families there Like? Did it feel like a full circle moment? Did it feel like missing pieces were coming together?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that was so in my little mushroom trip I was kind of going over, like you know, yeah, like holes that I kind of needed to fill within myself and I think, that was something that was so.
Speaker 2:I think it was like a full circle moment, like having my birth mom. You know they had all met. I was raised and grew up. I think she was very happy for that because of where she had been when she had me. I can only imagine where I would be right now if I had not been adopted. It would not have been good.
Speaker 1:I'm sure that was a sense of relief for her to see like, oh my gosh, he has all these opportunities and he's amazing and plays soccer, and like just to hear about all your accomplishments.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think her big thing was hearing about how I had like graduated, like not just high school but was on track to graduate college too, and, like Liz, education which also, you know, with my grandma education was a really big thing. So I think you know, yeah, I think that was really big full circle moment, just you know, the education part, like just because of where she had been, like okay, he's going to be able to take care of himself now and, you know, if he has kids or a family, he'll be able to help take care of them as well.
Speaker 1:I can only imagine how hard it is as a mom to decide like I have to give my kid up for adoption. But I guess the good part is finding out like they have this great life, like it wasn't a bad decision. As much as you probably didn't want to make it in the first place.
Speaker 2:Yeah, decision, as much as you probably didn't want to make it in the first place. Yeah, again, I know she was very young, had really nobody to support or help her in that time. So yeah, I know she didn't eat a lot while I was in her belly. That was a big thing, because I have some health problems from that.
Speaker 2:That was one thing I did, you know I did know is that when I was inside of her I wasn't getting the nutrition no nourish, right, yeah, because again she was kind of more or less out in the streets and whatnot. So I think seeing her, seeing me about as healthy as I could be, was really good. I love food. Now I guess I got something that they brought to you. Yeah, I will need all of it.
Speaker 1:Do you think a part of meeting your mom like that again, all of that and you said it happened not too far after your grandma passed Do you think that also helped you not say bye to your grandma but like heal a part of you, or do you think that was different, maybe?
Speaker 2:a little bit, maybe a little bit, I think. You know it's funny. I still think I have healing to do for my grandma and stuff. But again I think, trying to get back to the memories of what made me very happy with them, was a big writer, so she would write down, like all of you know, memories and at one point she put them all in like a journal for her kids or like all of her grandkids and like it's a big, thick binder. And I still have not opened that because I haven't. My. All my cousins, my sister, they've all read theirs and like you, gotta read it. It's beautiful and I just someday I will.
Speaker 1:I just you definitely still have parts of you. Do you think it's like, do you? A part of you is like, once I read this, then it's done, or then she's gone, or I like it's the final. I don't know.
Speaker 2:I'm just, I guess for me like I just think it's gonna break me again. Yeah, I just think it's gonna to break me again. You don't want to break me. Yeah, I just think it's going to like just bring back all the things from when I was little, that I really because that was again my safe space, one of my safe spaces, like you know just running barefoot backyard like there was not a care in the world and everything, and just I don't know. I feel like reliving some of those memories is going to be very emotional, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I know I need to do it. I just I got to will myself to do it. It's just going to be that's going to break again. You know the childhood memories when we look at. What am I the most scared of feeling when I read this, or how can I make myself feel safe?
Speaker 2:So I've got to answer For me it's love, because I think love is a very big thing for me, because I don't want to say like going to adoption you know, there's some abandonment issues there so I've always never really truly felt I guess in a way, because therapy and everything is just what we've gotten to but like yeah, but like that part of me doesn't feel worthy of love in some ways. So like reliving some of those, like loving moments and everything, is going to be really big and hard.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I think for me going like being adopted and all of that love is a very big thing, like when I love, I love very. You know like, and you know, yes, I've witnessed it, yes, I'm sure you have Shit. Then you know, on the flip side, you know when I don't feel loved or you know that's hard as well. So I need to work on that middle ground.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Balance, because love is a very big thing for me.
Speaker 1:Do you chase it? Do you have anxious is it anxious? Attachment? Like, I have anxious attachment and I don't even know where it really came from, because I mean, my parents got divorced when I was in high school but I never felt abandoned. Yeah, but like just that, like that feeling of if that other person isn't reciprocating love, I want to like chase them to show them that I'm worthy of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say I definitely have some of that, I mean.
Speaker 1:Which gets me in trouble. And then all of a sudden I'm like what am I going to do?
Speaker 2:We don't need to tell them I'm getting in trouble.
Speaker 1:We got to tell them that's a whole nother show. I hate you, but like it's just. It's just. I mean like when you're in those moments like okay, and let me just repeat this one more time Like how can you know you heal through that and get through that, and like I always ask myself, like what do I need to be better at for me, so I stop chasing emotionally unavailable people or people who don't want to be with me, like you know, I had a hard time with that too.
Speaker 2:I've definitely chased people that I thought were interested, you know, and then they actually weren't, and then, yeah, things get messy, but yeah Well they do and you lose a part of yourself, like in the chasing.
Speaker 1:It's like you give up parts of yourself. You end up abandoning yourself, which is what you're most terrified with. Like, that's not always and that's what I always look at too. Like I'm, I don't want to be abandoned, yet I'll run away from myself in a heartbeat to go achieve love yeah which I'm like what am I doing? Yeah, like I need to. How do I stand up for me?
Speaker 2:which is something I'm learning to learning to do yeah, I think we've kind of had other conversations about like attracting, not chasing too as well, and you know I'm a big law of attraction kind of guy, or like energy, all of that. So, yeah, I think something I've been working on lately is, you know, not chasing, as you know, or trying not to as much as a little bit of a job sometimes, but no, I think, finding that reciprocated love.
Speaker 1:And also finding that reciprocated love, but like being willing to stand up for yourself if it's not there and being willing to walk away.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And say like I'm sorry, I can't do this. Yeah, that is, I should have done that a few times. But hey, live and learn. But again, the more I'm able to even kind of do that, even in different parts of my life, I notice I feel more confidence in myself and I'm not like trying to chase, like if this is supposed to be here, if this person or situation is supposed to be here, it will be and I'm not going to chase it, I'm just going to, I'm going to trust, have faith that it's going to do what it has to do. It's just constantly that like, oh, but what if I can just control it a little bit? Yeah, I feel that. But anything you have to control or anything that you have to like try to fit is usually not for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think I guess for me lately, I would say within last year, I've just been really focused on just me myself and I and whatever you know comes in. You know, if they want to or it wants to stay, great, yeah Great. But if not, cool, I'm here, like you know where to find me, I'm not you know where to find me?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's hard.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I think I've really been recently on my journey just trying to do me worry about me and can control what I can control and whatever else let it fall by the wayside and what's meant to be will be there it will be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's really that's a really hard um understanding, but the more we're able to do it like, such great things come from it. Such great things come from it. It's just a matter of loving yourself enough to be like nope, I'm not gonna run away from myself, I'm not gonna abandon, I'm gonna sit here, I'm gonna be with myself and just allow the, the ease of alignment, to bring in the people and situations that need to be here yep, very much.
Speaker 2:So. Um, and you know I guess looking kind of forward into the future now that I'm in much healthier, much better space with everything, like you know I know we can't talk, but like starting my new job and everything, and you know I know we kind of talked, but like starting my new job and everything, and you know, moving and all of this and whatever, like I'm excited for what will come and where I can go or will go. Um, what was that saying? They're saying, like who I was is different from who I am, who is different from who I will be. Oh, I like that. And you know, I know who I was. I know now like have kind of figured out more of who I am, so I'm excited for who I can go and be and where I can go with that.
Speaker 1:And also allowing, like your past self, to be just what it was and not to like identify who you are, because, like me 10 years ago is not the same, like I'm still really cool and all, but like I feel like I just keep evolving for the better over and over. I've let go of things, I've forgiven myself for things, the more I'm able to do, that life just keeps getting better. Because sometimes I feel like we get stuck in like oh, but I was this way and it's like yeah, but you were. So just move forward, like try something different. I was going to ask you something and I forgot, but that's okay. Oh, do you think because you have a new job now. Do you think even like having this new job, like having a new environment, being around new people, it's kind of like realigning you to like maybe new opportunities and like oh, absolutely, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, I think, like sometimes we get stuck in old places. Absolutely, I think you know because I had been at MCP or you know school for 10, 11 years and I think I don't want to say built kind of like a life around that, but like I don't want to say it got to an unhealthy point.
Speaker 1:You just get so comfortable every day.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think too, you know, forcing myself now to be uncomfortable has aligned me with more people. That, I think, will help push me into a better you know thing. So again, I'm excited for where things will go and where I'll end up, who knows? But yeah, it's really good. I love that.
Speaker 1:Okay, so as we wrap up, I want you to think real quick. For anyone listening that has dealt with, maybe, death of grandparents or parents or someone really close to them, or maybe are kind of looking back on their childhood and they were like I realized I was wearing a mask the whole time. I didn't even realize it. What are a couple of things they could do to start moving into a new self, or healing or anything of that sort? Yeah, I'm thinking like one or two, because sometimes too many strategies like one or two things.
Speaker 2:I think the two things that come to my mind right off the bat would be it's okay to be uncomfortable, oh, I like that, because I think that's going to and I shouldn't say be uncomfortable like be safe and uncomfortable, because obviously you don't want to be like, right, I don't want to be as busy as you. But like, being in a safe, uncomfortable place I think will expose you to new challenges, new environments, new people that will push your you know, understanding or ways of thinking in a new way, yeah, which will you know, help you grow.
Speaker 1:I definitely I would agree with that yeah.
Speaker 2:And then I think the other one that comes to mind is staying true to your inner child and getting back to the things, because I think you know, with teaching you look at, especially in elementary. You look at the things that the little K-5s, k-4s, first graders, second graders, like get happy about or, like you know, find enjoyable.
Speaker 1:You could have like flag day and they'd be so excited.
Speaker 2:One of my favorite memories was like the garbage truck came to pick up you know like the garbage, and like it dumped everything back and all the little kindergartners are out there like garbage truck, garbage truck, and it was like they literally come like three times, two times a week, like you see them and it's like that's so great and I think you know getting back to that kind of way of thinking of, like you know, just in touch with your, whatever makes you happy just getting excited about all the things like, yeah, it's getting excited
Speaker 2:but yeah, but also too, like, um, if you're thinking, like you know, in the moment, should I have that, know, maybe that extra piece of cake or something or whatever you know, like, instead of just you know, let's go with it, just do it. Yeah, you got to just embrace that like inner child voice of like, make that inner kid happy and I think you'll see the brightness way more. It's just going to be, you know, that little voice inside.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's that kid. That's also telling that kid that I still see you, I'm still here for you, I'm still like, you're still number one for me, and that's kind of a way to build that trust so that you're not abandoning.
Speaker 2:And again, I think, going back, the last little thing, I think going back again, one of my grandparents and I were cleaning, you know, things out and seeing you know the pictures of, like me smiling as a kid and you know, like, you know, just happy, like I wanted to get back to that. So, like you know, what can I do to make that inner kid just happy and better and it's led me to a lot of really good things since that's happened.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry about the loss of your grandparents, but I'm happy that you were able to kind of like look at all those pictures and like embrace that and be like I got to get back there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the other thing I will say was I think my grandparents would be very frustrated and upset with me if I wasn't trying to make myself happy. Yes, so I think they'd be like what the hell are you doing?
Speaker 1:Why are you up?
Speaker 2:What is happening? We did not raise you like this, yeah, and I just know when I would see them again, they would be like what the fuck are you doing? Don't be happy, you're supposed to be happy. That's why we got you. Stop it. That's why we got you.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, you're, funny yeah.
Speaker 2:Because you know they would always tell me, like a lot of parents you know have their kids, we chose you. It's like you know they would always tell me, like a lot of parents you know have their kids, we chose you. It's like you know it's chosen.
Speaker 1:Also I really love that. Yeah, some parents get stuck with their kids. Yeah, well, great, here we go. Fuck, I guess we got this one. That's a cool outlook.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've been working on a lot lately, so I love that.
Speaker 1:Well, I appreciate you coming on and talking with you. I haven't seen you in a whole minute. It's kind of like our lunch talks. I know we have to get the kids from recess. All right, guys, I appreciate everyone listening. Tune in next week and find out who I'm going to have on. Stay cute, stay loud and keep dancing, even when everyone's watching Peace.
