Go Ask Sawyer
Go Ask Sawyer
Love Thoughts from Crumpled Pages - What am I even doing?
Today I am sharing a personal milestone: my published poetry collection titled "Love: Thoughts from Crumpled Pages"
*Dedication: to those who continue to cheer me on (in public and in private). To those who broke my heart into pieces. To me. With my deepest appreciation, thank you.
*This collection of poems, thoughts, and ramblings has been sown together from notes, journals, crumpled pieces of paper, and 3am dreams. I am still working on loving all of me.
1. The Shutdown - "You never realize your light went out, until you look back and all you see is darkness." Me
2. Lies - "Half a truth is often a great lie." Benjamin Franklin
3. Lost - "Now you're lost, lost in the heat of it all." Frank Ocean
4. Death of Love - "Don't break your own heart trying to fill someone else's. " Bianca Sparacino
5. Faith - "So we live by faith and not sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7
6. Space - "The right one does not stand in your way. They make peace for you to step forward." Rupi Kaur
7. Sun and Moon - "You never know when a moment and a few sincere words, can have an impact on a life." Zig Ziglar
8. Attached - "It takes two flints to make a fire." Louisa May Alcott
9. Maybe for Real - "Maybe the time, like every time, it is about me." Me
10. Was it Love? - "Love is when you meet someone who tells you something new about yourself." Andre Breton
11. At First - "You had me at hello." Jerry Maguire
12. Quiet Love - "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Collossians 3:14
13. I Want - "Find someone you can heal with." Young Pueblo
14. To Be Honest - "You have dug your soul out of dark, you have fought to be here, do not go back to what buried you." Bianca Sparacino
15. Turn Around - "Sometimes we go back and repeat an old mistake just so we can remember why we moved forward." Young Pueblo
16. One Foot - "Lovers are Lunatics" - Latin saying
17. Maybe - "Maybe this time, for the first time. Love won't hurry away. Maybe this time. Maybe this time, I'll win." - Maybe This Time
18. Peace - "You cannot love someone into loving you if they do not." Bianca Sparacino
19. It Starts - "Taking a moment to figure out how you really feel instead of letting old patterns decide for you is one of the most authentic things you can do." Young Pueblo
20. She Is - "You always find it when you stop looking." - Me
21. 44 Laps
Thank you for lending me your ears while I pour out a very vulnerable side of me.
Stay cute, stay kind and keep dancing, even when everyone is watching.
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Hey y'all, happy Sunday. Welcome back to Go. Ask, sawyer, I hope you have been enjoying season five thus far. I really love just talking to people as maybe you can tell or not and hearing their stories and hearing how just different things that they've overcome healed from. You know, really thinking about the idea of healing and how you know, in the backyard sessions with Toya from Universal Tees, she had talked about how healing is the fad and a lot of us are talking about healing. But are we really? And I've definitely been revisiting that recently and I've done a lot, a lot of work this summer and I just love it.
Speaker 1:But now the school year is in full play and life is lifing in beautiful ways, but I'm trying to think to myself, you know, am I, have I paused my healing? Have I paused my journey? Is it okay to pause as long as we get back to it? So, in true fashion of being vulnerable, as is what I do, I thought I'd take this episode today and share with the universe something that I have done. I am very nervous about this. I will not lie. This is definitely make my palms sweat a little bit.
Speaker 1:Last July, I did one of those publishing things on Instagram I found and I sent in 21 poems that I had written and it got published. Now it's published. Like I had to pay money to have it published and they just gave me a copy. I'm pretty sure you guys I got scammed. However, it is beautiful and I can say it says on the front book Leaf Publishing. So I feel really good about that. But I thought I'm just going to take today's episode and read my writing to you guys and if you don't like it, then turn it off, and if you like it, keep listening, and if you have nothing nice to say, please just keep it to yourself. Don't mind Oliver in the background. He wants to go outside and I will not let him.
Speaker 1:So without further ado. It is called Love. Thoughts from Crumpled Pages. What am I even doing? That's the name of my book. This collection of poems, thoughts and ramblings has been sewn together from notes, journals, crumpled pieces of paper and 3 am dreams. I am still working on loving all of me. I am still in search of my forever. Maybe one day we will meet. I would like to acknowledge the sun for reminding me you can never shine too bright. The moon for reminding me to stay consistent and show up. The moon for reminding me to stay consistent and show up, and the water for bringing calm and clarity to any problem.
Speaker 1:I have Number one the shutdown. You never realize your light went out until you look back and all you see is darkness. It didn't happen that way. You're being overdramatic. That never happened. That's not how I said it. That's not what I meant. It doesn't have to be that deep. Why would you think that way? The response comes my body gets hot, my throat closes, my chest pinches, pins and needles shoot through my fingers and toes. Silence takes over and all in an instant, the shutdown occurs. Shame and embarrassment stifle any knowing that might be true. The shrink happens a quarter millimeter at a time, so no one notices you disappearing. Stay in your place. Your perspective is not relevant here.
Speaker 1:Number two lies. Half a truth is often a great lie. By Benjamin Franklin, the snake of lies always comes at night, when I am at my most vulnerable. It is there. My brain allows the truth to get overshadowed. It is there new stories with characters unseen are brought to life. It is there I question what is real and what is fake. It is there. My worth is questioned. It is there the timeline of my life gets twisted. It is there my worst fears come to life. Then the sun rises and the snake slithers away to hide in the corners of my sheets, only to wait for me when darkness comes again.
Speaker 1:Number three lost. Now you're lost, lost in the heat of it all, by Frank Ocean. What would you say if you could? She replied. I'm just looking for you to see it and get it, in case you didn't know it was for you. But if you didn't get it, I guess I got my answer. Anything else, yes, she replied. I'll have to get over it. I just didn't want to. I'm going to pause here to tell you that I am starting each poem with a quote from someone. Sometimes it's just from me, it's something that I wrote, but I tried to start each poem with a quote that kind of encompasses what it is.
Speaker 1:Number four death of love. Don't break your heart trying to fulfill someone else's Bianca Saparsino. We cannot grow where we are not meant to be. We will wither, we will shrink, our eyes will grow dark, our skin will become sticky, our mouths will feel dry, others will water us, but our dreams, motivations and hopes will continue to fall flat. We cannot grow where we are not meant to be. So why do we stay so long? 5. Faith so we live by faith and not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5-7.
Speaker 1:Fluff walked ahead enough to feel his independence. Her confidence in his was steady and strong, no questions. She never questioned the beautiful outcomes created by him, yet sat in worry during the wait. Confidence feels beautiful and light. Questioning feels heavy and scary. What do you need to do to get to the beautiful and light? And why is it so scary? Six space the right one does not stand in your way. They make space for you to step ahead.
Speaker 1:Rupi Kaur, what would it look like to take up space? How do you walk into spaces in which you don't feel included, wanted or enough to be in? What would it look like if you just didn't care, if you held your head high and took up space? We are all terrified inside. What if I'm not enough? What if they laugh at me? What if I say something stupid? What if I offend someone? The real truth no one cares. Most of us are living life terrified. Most of us are so wrapped up in ourselves we aren't really seeing others. Clearly, most of us have no idea what we are doing, but we just keep showing up, walking with our head held high, pretending we know what we're doing. If you knew you had nothing to lose, how would you take up space? How would you move differently?
Speaker 1:Number seven sun and moon. You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on life. Zig Ziglar, I want the story with you. The sun said to the moonember, the walk that changed us, the laughter that couldn't hide. "'when I poured my light onto the water to allow your words? "'yes', whispered the moon. "'when I cast shadows to allow for the kiss that brought you to tears, "'your hand in mine. "'the sun beamed. "'your rain quenched my thirst, "'i can't move'. The sun glowed full. I'm terrified, but alive. I don't want to ask you, yet I do. The romantic comedy plays in my head. The sun glimmered, our first date, the paper on the table, the giggles. The moon stuttered. But I don't want to ruin what we have. It's just, you feel like home, but I don't want to stop, but maybe someday. What if you feel like home, but I don't want to stop, but maybe someday? What if the sun whispered? I don't want to say it. It could be the beginning or could be the end. Does it have to be either? The moon quietly whispered as she took her form as new Eight Attached. It takes two flits to make a fire.
Speaker 1:Louisa May Elcott, I want a teammate, the two of us, a song of ours In the sink with our eyes working through this shit, feeling it with our hands. I want a teammate. So far I've not found much. Still looking, I got you. I need you. I hear you Fall back. Let's pray, let's talk, let's breathe. Meet my, know my, believe my, understand my. You are my teammate. Yet I'm still here waiting. Are you out there?
Speaker 1:Number nine, maybe for real? Maybe this time, like every time, it is about me. Jamie, do you think we need time? Yes, I'm hoping this is mutual, because I'm the girl that will go through it with you, but I can't sit on the sidelines waiting to be called in. I'm the wife, I'm the forever, I'm the girl, and yet I keep playing the sidekick because deep down, I still don't think I'm worth it. Damn, that stings. Was I the placeholder for the girl you will do forever with? We will see.
Speaker 1:Number 10, was it love? Love is when you meet someone who will tell you something about yourself. Andre Brenton, I never knew you. Then suddenly I did, and it was nothing more than a slow burn with you. I am scared because, but also not because, I trust you. I love you. I am here for whatever this is. Are you with me or am I standing alone in this puddle of feelings? Eleven? At first you had me at hello by Jerry Maguire. It was electric, it was sunshine, it was light. I was sure I felt you Even when I wasn't near you. Your eyes told the story, your hand reassured me, your embrace created safety. But then, when I don't even know when it happened, it was over. I don't even know when it happened, it was over.
Speaker 1:Twelve, quiet love, and all over these virtues, put on love which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3.14. I barely heard you come in. It felt like floating, freeing and calm, breathing with the waves of your heart, hearing the echoes of pillow talk in my ears. The comfort of my bed imprints I know will be there. Sheets fresh from the dryer Falling in effortlessly after a long day, the security of knowing the warmth of someone's arms wrapped tightly around me, wanting nothing more than to hold me. Quiet love is fearless. Quiet love is. Everyone can feel, but not many can see. Quiet love is the welcoming sun after a torrential storm. Quiet love is the smell of grass after a long, cold winter. Quiet love is the fresh blanket of snow to start again. Quiet love is given without being asked or chased, or begged. For Quiet love shows up.
Speaker 1:Thirteen I want Find someone you can heal with Young Pueblo To save you a seat, to hug and kiss your face when I see you. To say we, to plan our future looks like. To ask vulnerable questions with reassuring answers, to know, to trust, to be yours. To laugh at stupid jokes. To feel safe with you. To not care what you do, to know to have it be God, us and kids. To read scripture and discuss feelings. To read and discuss ideas. To talk, to be able to say the story in my head, to not feel the way I have 14.
Speaker 1:To be honest, you have dug your soul out of the dark. You have fought to be here. Do not go back to what buried you. Bianca Saparsino, no disrespect, but if I take the time to be vulnerable with you, share my feelings and come to you, I have already taken time and overthought everything. If I share how your actions and words have hurt me and you disregard me by somehow stating we are less than I will understand my place. How have I not seen it hidden in plain sight? The decision was made the same way the roll, the tide rolls in without any speaking. Either of us could have left. Yes, you could have respected me enough to walk away when you knew you could never give no disrespect. But you are truly disrespectful, love.
Speaker 1:15. Turn around. Sometimes we go back and repeat an old mistake, just so we can remember why we move forward. Young Pueblo, because I was sitting on your couch, standing on your driveway and waiting in the parking lot, begging a tear-stained face for you to choose me, for you to put your ego aside and see me, want me, fight for me, reach out for me, turn around, because I am here, yet you continue to walk away.
Speaker 1:16 one foot lovers are lunatics. A latin saying one foot in, one foot out. That is how it's always been. Your eyes, energy and heart say maybe, yet you continue to entertain a circus. The answer to the questions are always yet, so it needs to be a no. One foot in, one foot out. That is how it's always been. Love me out loud, in the shower, with friends, with family, in public, in pictures, in energy, in spirit, in life. If we aren't growing together, what are we doing? If I know I am worth more, why do I keep accepting one foot in and one foot out the door?
Speaker 1:17. Maybe, maybe this time for the first time. Maybe this time for the first time, love won't hurry away. Maybe this time, maybe this time, I'll win from the song. Maybe this time, Made your own rules. I didn't know how to follow. Answered questions and riddles of actions, not matching words, yet never straightforward, yet brought me to a place I thought we could be, even though the answer was always going to be no. 18. Peace, you cannot love someone into loving you if they do not. Bianca Saparsino, if you can't bring it, keep it or help me feel it, walk away. 19. It starts. Taking a moment to figure out how you really feel, instead of letting old patterns decide for you is one of the most authentic things you can do. Young Pueblo In the aftermath of what happened, she decided to walk through the fog into the light.
Speaker 1:She decided to trust her gut and welcome the unknown with open arms. Is this faith? She decided to step into the world open eyes, heart and soul and use the instrument she was born to use her voice. It starts with day one Twenty she is. You will always find it when you stop looking. That's by me. She was the tornado they needed to rebuild. She was the sun they never knew they needed. She was the fire missing from to rebuild. She was the sun they never knew they needed. She was the fire missing from the night and the moon to guide them home. She was the girl you never knew you needed. She was the missing beat to your heart. She was her own knight, in shining armor, riding her own horse, determined to bring peace to her life. And in doing so she blazed a trail of light and love and peace to anyone willing to see it. Yet alone she must be to find out who she is.
Speaker 1:21. 44 Laps Say yes to life, even though you know it may devour you. Stephen Larson, 44 Laps Around. The Sun spins in the sea. How the world looks so different when it's just me.
Speaker 1:If I were just me alone, where would I be? How would I move? What stops me from moving? What stops me from leaving at the end of the day? Does fear hold all this in place? Why does it take some of us so long to get there and others so fast. What if? If no one shows up? What if everyone shows up? Does that validate me? Who do I actually want to be In the end? It's the people I feel most comfortable with, the people I see and interact with. I don't want low vibration, I don't want the maybe. I don't want people around me that know nothing about me. I appreciate you guys listening. That was really hard for me to read, but I am working to put things out into the universe that I want, and especially things that terrify me. So have a lovely, happy Sunday, stay cute, stay kind and keep dancing, even when everyone is watching. Peace.
