Go Ask Sawyer
Go Ask Sawyer
Healing After Abuse: Jodi's Journey
Jodi shares her journey of healing from an 18-year abusive marriage and the courage it took to rebuild her life on her own terms. Through raw conversation, she reveals how starting over multiple times taught her the power of putting herself first and recognizing her own worth independent of relationships.
• Embracing "day one, not one day" as a philosophy for starting over
• Recognizing early warning signs of controlling behavior in relationships
• How physical health problems can signal emotional trauma
• The challenge of leaving "for the kids" and why waiting rarely helps
• Healing from love bombing and manipulation patterns
• Learning to give yourself the same grace you extend to others
• The importance of asking for help from your support network
• Finding peace without needing closure from your abuser
• Trusting your gut when it tells you something isn't right
If you're struggling in a relationship or working to heal from past trauma, remember that you deserve peace and happiness. You're stronger than you think, and your worth isn't defined by anyone else.
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Hey, happy Sunday. Welcome back to Go Ask Sawyer, season five, where I learn from you because I have talked too much. I'm super excited today to have a good friend of mine, jodi. Say hi, jodi, in 2012, right after my divorce, when I was trying to work at the WAP and she was also taking a group fitness instructor training class I don't know if you remember that what was your class, interval, and that's when I started doing interval like every Monday. Yeah, so that's how I met Jodi. And then she works at this amazing bar down the street from my house and then we found out that one of my son's friends was her best friend's son. Yes, so I, I circle.
Speaker 1:I feel like jody and I were meant to meet, like we were meant to meet and meant to be, um. So I'm we're just chilling on her couch right now, feet up in the air well, not up in the air, but feet up, up in the middle, up somewhere, um, and we're just going to talk about like. I wanted jody to come on because she's been through some stuff highs, lows, all the things and I would love for her to talk about what she's had to heal from. So, because season five is all about healing. Jodi, welcome. And can you tell me? This is when I edit, I was like what are we looking for? You're like, what are you doing? Do you want the other questions? I'm just thinking. So, jodi, can you tell me, do you feel like you're in a place of healing and peace right now? Or do you feel like you're in a place of healing and peace right now, or do you feel like, where are you in life right now? Let's just start with that. Is that too big? You didn't write the notes down. I didn't write notes to this. Jamie. I can't answer this question as of yet. Where am I? Oh, my, I'm in my third or fourth midlife crisis. Okay, I'm in my third or fourth midlife crisis. Okay, a third or fourth unfolding of a new season of Jodi? Okay.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you for my thousands of listeners out there that are going through like I have to start again. I have to start again. Fuck, I have to start again. What would you tell those men or women? Like is starting over and over and over? Like, yeah, starting over?
Speaker 1:I have this thing where I say day one, not one day, and um, that if you keep saying one day, it's never going to happen and if you keep saying, even if you say day one, 365 days a year, it's still day one of something, you're not saying I'm going to do it tomorrow, I'm going to do it today, I'm working towards whatever my goal is and our goals change, our life changes and Evan flows with the good and the bad and we just have to start over sometimes. Sometimes it's starting over financially, sometimes it's a relationship, sometimes it's a new job, it's a move. There's so many variations to starting over. There's so many variations to a day one that you just go with the flow and figure it out. You've been through a few different starting overs.
Speaker 1:Are you ever scared to side over or do you embrace it now Every time? Why are you scary on the other side? You don't know. Yeah, you don't know what's there, but you don't know if you don't try. Yeah, and what if the other side is 10 times better than where you're at? And that's not.
Speaker 1:Grass is greener. No, that's more or less like I'm not feeling right where I am. Yes, what if I put myself first? What if I jumped? What if I did? The grass is greener.
Speaker 1:Is somebody that's a materialistic person? In my eyes, the grass is greener. Like looking for validation, looking for people, looking for material, not paying attention. Like my grass is always green. So if you ever go to my side, you've got some green grass. Same, I've got rainbows and stuff. I've got butterflies and fucking sunshine all day long in my grass. I'm not looking at anyone else's grass because I'm worried about mine. Yes, I'm way too worried about me to worry about your fucking crabgrass. Plain and fucking simple, trim your bushes if you want. I don't care, mine look cute Ladies, trim your bushes. Also, ladies, gentlemen, trim your trees.
Speaker 1:Hedges You're going to say hedges, jodi likes the hedges, I do not. So right, okay. So, speaking of starting over and hedges and all the things, what is something? And you don't have to say recent, but, like, I asked you to come on because I feel like, with all your starting over, you may have a story to share about how you've overcome something or healed from something, and what I want my listeners to know is like they're not alone. We all have different stories.
Speaker 1:So what is something that maybe has stuck out to you that you've had to heal from or go through some stuff from? Well, I've had to heal from a lot of things, but one thing that I was stuck in and I had to heal from a lot of things. But, um, one thing that I was stuck in and I had to heal from was a marriage. I got pregnant at 20, got married at 21 and you know how that goes same well, 22, yeah, I mean. Okay, we're just so different. It's 20 to 30 is so different. And I thought in 1994, when I got pregnant back then you got married.
Speaker 1:I came from a Catholic background. They were hardworking farmer families where everybody got married really young and it was kind of like you got pregnant, now this is what you do, that's the next step. There wasn't. You know, 2025, 30 years later, there's so many different things you can do instead of get married. But in 1995, it was still my Catholic background, was very much so like, yeah, we're gonna just, we're gonna make it happen For one. That's something to heal from.
Speaker 1:Getting married and getting pregnant at 20 and 21, like the box that you were, like this is how you need to be, to be accepted. Yes, yes, exactly. And also it was kind of an era of the end of an era where women needed a man to complete the family and their life. Like a man. You were there. You were there to get to be barefoot and pregnant per se, to be looked at, to be seen and to watch those kids and stay home and be a stay-at-home mom. And my ex-husband was very much that way, like he didn't want me to have a job, you know, like you stay home with the kids. It was very 1950s-ish, whatever that looked like the time period, yes. So it was kind of at the ending of all of that and I still kind of believed in that.
Speaker 1:I also had that feeling of like my worth. If you don't have a husband, you are not valued or worth or respected enough like they did. You know, back in Women's roles We'll say women's roles the way society viewed women, like if you are on your own with a kid, like I don't understand what you're doing, and for a long time that was it. And that was kind of at the end of that where I had started seeing people, you know, have children and not be married. But like it was, it was not the norm and I felt like I had to fit into that norm of society at the time. And then you know that in itself is something that as you grow older you're like duh. I don't need this man. You know like I could have done this on my own. I would have been better off doing it on my own.
Speaker 1:And how long were you guys married? We were married for 18 years. That's a long time. Yes, we have a friend. So, just like at my house, we have Oliver, who loves to be meowing in the back because he wants to go outside, jodi has a friend, gus, who is 11, acts like he's one and wants to be part of the conversation as well. So if you hear some crazy stuff in the background, it's Gus or it's us trying to control Gus. There's so much rhyming. Okay.
Speaker 1:So, jodi, you were married 18 years. Yes, okay, why did you leave? It ended up being abusive. He ended up being very controlling. And do you want to talk about that? Is there some parts of it you want to talk about or no? He was very controlling. He, financially. He abused me. He wouldn't let me have a job. He kept all the finances. I didn't have a credit card. When you can I and this is not please um, when you were in the marriage, you were married for 18 years. You had kids together. Did you notice this? Or was it like, did it become a norm? Or were you like this doesn't feel right, like, um, okay, so. So we got married in a courthouse in 1995. Okay, right after I had my son in April of 95. We got married in the courthouse and then we had a wedding ceremony the next year because, again, societal norms, there were signs, there were red flags of alcohol problems, but not direct abuse, even though he did.
Speaker 1:He did all this joking and I say air quotes around the joking because he made fun of me a lot. So you uppercut, like, not uppercuts, but yes, he, you know, with backhand comments about, like what I was wearing, or I had makeup on, or you know like, oh, your hair looks real nice, you know like, you know, in like a jokey way, he always said everything in a joke. But you know, sometimes there's a lot of truth to a lot of those joking. Oh, truth from him. I was going to say truth from you, but truth from him, yeah, yeah, you know like, especially if you say it more than once, in my eyes he always wanted to fight somebody when we were drinking, like he thought it was cool, like he'd be like, hey, watch, I'm going to beat these guys up, and I'd be like no, no, not cool, yeah, it's like, even like when we were dating're like but are your kids? Yeah, but like weird things that at the time, yeah, I don't know. You just don't think about it. Plus, I'm 21 and I don't know what, I don't know our relationship.
Speaker 1:So you guys got married at 21. You were married for 18 years, so you were 30 I don't know math 39, 39. 39. You got divorced. Yeah, what made you leave? What made you finally be like I'm just going to be done? Well, it takes a long time. Women have this thing. So, you know, I've been doing a lot of research and a lot of self-discovery and self-learning and I have found that women, when they leave, it takes them 100% positive, that they want to leave before they leave, like a guy is going to be, like, yeah, this is fucking weird, I'm out. You know, like why do you think it takes women and maybe that's another question I had asked you about like falling back. Okay, so for me, I'll give you a little. Yeah, so I was not.
Speaker 1:I had gotten a job at. I lived in McGowan ago and I got a job at the local pick and save and my he did not want me to work there. He was like you're working in the deadly department, like don't you think that's a little ridiculous? And I was like, hey, you want me to work or not work, you know, like. And then I came home one day and I had a lovely neighbor who twins that watched Cody. And I came home he must've been.
Speaker 1:He was born in April and this was summertime, when they were off of school, okay, and I came home and she was laying on the couch sleeping with him and I picked him up and I was like I don't need you to babysit anymore, I'm not working anymore, because it should have been me on the couch with my baby. And she was terrified, she thought she did something wrong. Her mom came over and I was like, no, no, no, anyway, he just nothing was good enough. Like I wanted to work at a CVS. And he's like absolutely not, you're not working at a CVS. And I was like well, like, like, also as part-time, like full-time, I don't know. Like it's just, it was just a job.
Speaker 1:Yeah, make some money for my family, feel a little independent in the house. I felt like I needed to make some money and I just thought it was the right thing to do. I am able, body abled to work, able bodied. Why shouldn't I be able to provide for my family? Anyway, he wanted to be in control of the money. Yeah, I didn't have a credit card. I didn't have a credit card and I didn't have a checking account. I got an allowance or whatever you might say.
Speaker 1:So I started watching a kid at the house, which was cash, whatever. Long story short More control, more abuse, physical, emotional, like the whole shebang. The threats to like take my kids and move to Mexico, and threats to you know. Oh, which kid do you want to come with me today? Because which kid is going to die with me today? Just, random, mental, mental fuckery. Yeah, mental fuckery, that's exact. So the mental, even though in your head maybe you're like that's not going to happen. Like what made you finally say I'm done? You clearly have said like it. You have said it took a second, took a second, took a second. Okay, so I'll explain to you.
Speaker 1:So I didn't have a job. I watched kids, I was a stay-at-home mom, I had a daycare in the house, I made cash, his brother, I watched his nephew, his brother's kid, and it was a check and it had to be written out to him, and my brother wrote out a check and it had to be written out to my ex-husband, and so I didn't have much as in, like money wise, and he prevented me from getting a job. So the first thing I had to do was establish some sort of cash flow for myself, and it took me a while. Also, side note, because he hurt me. I was always scared he was going to hurt my kids. Yeah, so if I wasn't around, he would hurt my kids, is what I thought.
Speaker 1:If I got divorced and my kids were young, then the pain would go there. Let's say, six and ten. Where is where? What is the rage? Yeah, like his anger, his rage. Where's it going to go? Where's it going to go?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's also a fear that moms have, you know. I mean there's a lot of, as you were saying that. I was just thinking like how many moms I have not been in that kind of relationship? But how many moms also stay, because it's like if I'm not, if I'm here, I can take it, but if I leave, then my kids might get it Because they already saw him never. I mean, yes, it's physical abuse, but it wasn't like he would tickle them till they'd cry. He would. It was just a random, I feel, that Stupid bully shit when you're like why, yes, yes, so unnecessary. My mom cried at my youngest's first birthday and my oldest would have been four or five and my ex-husband was bullying my oldest child. That my mom cried at. You know, like my mom cried because of the way he was treating my oldest. My mom did not like it.
Speaker 1:Now, he wasn't abusive. He wasn't physically harming him. There were steps In 2009, I had my kid call 911 on him and he had hurt me and my girlfriend and he was arrested, left the house. He was going through AA and doing all these things and we had to go to counseling and we had to do all the house. He was going through AA and doing all these things and we had to go to counseling and we had to do all the things. And I let him back home, like a month later. You know, talk to the kids and you know I was like we need to show support for your dad and we need to, you know, show our family and our, our loved ones that we support them. Blah, blah, blah. He never abused me after that day, you just the trauma stays with you. So I tried that day. You just the trauma stays with you. So I tried. So I tried.
Speaker 1:What happened in 2010 was he had gone on a trip for work and he was gone, so he would leave Monday morning and he would come back Friday. And I can remember on the second week that he came back, I heard his truck and I immediately was shaking and I was like I remembered it happening the first week when he came home. But by the second week I was like he's my problem Still. You know, yes, it wasn't the same. You know, things just didn't go back to normal. I was going to say, after he came home, it's back to everything and like you're going to therapy and you're working on it, how do you get past those, those shifts, you know, in the night and just doing things, you know, trying the best you can. And then I realized I was like, yeah.
Speaker 1:So the second week, when he came home, we were outside grilling and I was like, yeah, I want a divorce. I'm really I, you know, I'm going through all, I'm doing all the things and, okay, hallelujah, praise, jesus, you're doing all the things. It's still it's, it's still nice. Yeah, it's still not? Yeah, still not. And I realized that was when I realized, even after he didn't wasn't hurting me anymore, that it was more than that for me. We were basically sexless sexless I like to have sex. So, yes, we did a. You know, like we did have sex, and you know I was realizing that it was like a chore for me. I was gonna say it was a chore for me previously, but then, like, yeah, I guess you know, but you know I needed to. So, all right, let's just get it done.
Speaker 1:You know, I just started noticing how far removed I became from the marriage and then, all of a sudden, it just like happened where I was like I need to get out of here. So that's when, uh, I had already been um, I already had a job. I had gotten a job at the Wisconsin Athletic Club. I had my own checking account. I got my, my checks originally went into his checking account and then, in 2010, had them taken off of my own, I started the steps to go forward where I would have my own money, my own things to move out or whatever. I need to do something. And what year was that that you went to the WAC 20? I started working there, I think in 2008 or 2009. Okay, maybe even before that, so sometime around there. But I was only working part-time, okay, and I was working in the child care because I could bring the kids with me.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you this then right, like you clearly have been through a whole lot. You're in your marriage 18 year marriage, ups downs, can't leave the things. You finally get a job, you finally decide to leave. Like, how do you, how do you feel at that point If I can ask, sure, not to go through everything you know for someone who's like I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can do it. It's work. And you did it. Like, how do you finally feel once you're like I'm out? Oh, it feels fucking fabulous. You feel scared. Obviously, I felt scared to my life. The PTSD is real. Do you still deal with that to this day? I still deal with it to this day.
Speaker 1:I get triggered very easily. What are things that trigger you? If I can ask I hate to say, but my son's voice they trigger me. Sometimes They'll say a sentence or a phrase and I'll be like whoa, it doesn't trigger me like a full-on anxiety attack or anything, but I get taken aback by it sometimes. So your kids, which is crazy, it's crazy, but they sound so much like him, yeah, and I can imagine that being really I don't know. So it's bizarre, but it doesn't trigger me as in and now it's not like a bad thing, like I'm kind of like, oh, they sound like their dad. You know, like, cause it's been, it took you a little minute, 14 years. I, you know it's 14 years. So like, yeah, it took me a minute. I have nightmares still to this day. I get smells sometimes will trigger me diesel. He was a diesel mechanic for a while and he did a lot of stuff with diesel, and so sometimes the smell of diesel will trigger me a little bit. I see people act a certain way and I get triggered by it.
Speaker 1:I get abusive vibes real easily from men that walk into the bar that I work at. So you read, I feel like you and I talked about this. Okay, so this might be changing the subject and I don't want to necessarily do that, but like you and I, I feel like we just talked about this the other day where you're like, where I'm working, a guy can walk in and you're like, nope, but you're like, in my personal life, I can't always sense it. Yes, so why do you think that is Because I fall for the love bombing. Everybody wants to feel loved and chosen. Yeah, you know, everybody wants. Isn't that the fucking downfall? Yeah, I'm struggling with that. I've struggled with that my whole life and I fucking hate it. I hate it. I don't fall for. Hey, you're beautiful. Look at that banging ass body. Oh God, no, I don't. My body's been used by way too many men and I have been seen as an object my whole life. So if you say something like that to me, it means absolutely nothing to me. If you say something like that to me, it means absolutely nothing to me.
Speaker 1:My ex-husband also would get drunk and we'd have a fight, incident, whatever episode, whatever we want to call our situation, and the next day he'd buy me a four-wheeler or a coat or a shirt. Okay, so the abuse, followed by some sort of present or some sort of making up. So the abuse followed by some sort of present or some sort of making up. And so how do you feel about then men who buy you things? Is that a weird? Yeah, I was gonna say. Is that like a weird, like why, no, we're not doing that. I'm learning. I'm learning to accept it, because not everyone is doing that for a reason. But I can understand, like I have an issue with my dad, the same kind of of I will buy you something to make up, or like money is a thing, and yes, so I also just left a situation ship that don't we love our ships? Yeah, oh, ships. And this situation ship was well, I did that for you. Yeah, well, I bought that for you.
Speaker 1:And you know like there's always something connected and you don't know what's going to come back. It could be a month, it could be two years. It's going to come back and it's like well, I helped you. Well, thank you, you're a kind person, thank you. Would you like me to clap for you? Would you like a cookie? You didn't have to. You want the gold star? I always keep gold star stickers. I should. I should start keeping them. You need to keep gold star stickers and cookies and cookies. You know what? You are right. Here's your gold fucking star, buddy. You know like I help people for my own heart, not anyone else's.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God, you know like it does sometimes hurt. I will say it does sometimes hurt. It does sometimes hurt when you know you've given 100% of you and it it falls flat. But I I'm trying to be better at like. I know I gave all of me and I wasn't doing to like manipulate. I'm not doing it to like get something. I'm doing it for me, but also trying to recognize when I'm giving too much, sure, to get something sure, and when I'm doing it for me but also trying to recognize when I'm giving too much to get something and when I'm just genuinely because, genuinely, what do you need? What do you need? And I, financially, have never been in the position.
Speaker 1:No, with my marriage we had everything. We looked like the greatest family on earth. We went all the trips, we had all the toys, we had all the bells and whistles. Our house was fucking adorable. The kids were great. You know like the kids played sports. They were great athletes, they were cute as fuck. You know like we had a cute little family and you know so it was hard to you know, and I hid it all.
Speaker 1:I didn't tell people for the longest time that things were going on. So when I started talking about it, nobody believed me. You know like one of my best friends at the time was like Dave, absolutely not. He didn't do it. You can take his name out of the list. You want people to know his name, dave? I said Dave, I'm like you keep saying it. So I'm like you keep saying it. So do you want me to edit it? We're not editing that, it's fine, everybody knows.
Speaker 1:Anyway, it took people a long time to actually start seeing some of his behavior. You know, and I feel like I just went to that same thing in this situationship that I was in, where he was such a nice guy to everyone else. He made the painted the picture that he was so in love with me and he was so helpful and he was such the perfect guy, but he did it for himself. I was going to say in the behind closed doors and you're probably watching him out on the streets like this is not the same guy. Yeah, my ex-husband was not the same guy either. Granted, great guy. I feel like again, he has great qualities and he's a great man.
Speaker 1:He just did things that I did not like, or he disrespected me and he crossed my boundaries and he made me feel like a piece of fucking shit. He made me feel like a piece of fucking shit. He made me feel like a nobody. You know the name calling, the. You know what are. You are you slut? Why are you wearing that? You know, like, so, like, just absolutely stupid thing? Yeah, stupid.
Speaker 1:That that is where a lot of my therapy had to come into play was working on what he made me feel it takes so long. It could be. When we first got married in 1995, he could have told me something four times. I am, I don't know, I have ugly feet, I don't fucking know, but because he told it to me four times in 1995 to 2025, I still believe it. Okay, so I'm a teacher and I read an article about like negative comments versus positive comments. For every one negative comment, it takes kids I think the statistic was like 10 to 20 positive comments or positive whatever to erase that. So for every one negative thing you say, you have to say 10 to 20 things positive for that kid to let that go and I'm going to go into a different subject here but like that's what people don't understand about their words, your words carry so much. So once you say something hurtful to me, and especially if it's a trigger, if it's a connection to something else I'm trying to heal from man that is going to take twice as long, yes, and I'm still going to be like I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 1:And again, abuse. And that's the thing about abuse. I've never been physically abused. I understand emotional abuse, abuse. I understand emotional abuse and I feel like sometimes that is the hardest to identify because we all just brush it off as like oh this or oh that. But you don't really get how long that stays when someone it's just the undercut, the undercut, the undercut, especially if someone's like jealous of you or if they're trying to manipulate you. And if you're a giving person I see this happen to a lot of people that are giving You're just like, oh, I'm just, hey, let me fix it. Like let me, because you love them so much, Let me give you my, let me give you my soul and my love, like I'm going to be kind to you. Yes, because I love you, let's have fun. Yeah, yeah, let me help you, but let me do this and let's go on vacation and that and that, like that. And again, I will never speak physical because I've never, I have not dealt with that, but the emotional I feel like just leaves such. I would rather he would have just hit me and just shut up and that sort of fucking thing. I would have got over that a lot easier. You think so. I think so. I don't know why, but I feel like the words. The words is what had got me down the betrayal.
Speaker 1:We're going to pop up a couple of questions because, again, this is this is the place where I know I struggle. Okay, why do you think it takes so long, and I'm still in the process of things? Why do you think it takes so long to heal oh my goodness, things? Why do you think it takes so long to heal oh my goodness, first, or why do you think take so long? Or why do you think we don't allow ourself time to heal? Show our kids that we're okay. Yeah, we always want to make sure the kids are.
Speaker 1:Um, I also live in a world where I don't want anybody to feel the way I have felt in my life. Okay, can we just pause there? Say that again. You live in a world where what you don't want, what I live in a world that I don't want anybody to feel the pain that I have felt or that I still feel. So I will. Robin Williams he's a jokester Suffered so much on the inside, and as soon as he had passed, I thought, oh my gosh, when all those like quotes came out about yes, check on your happy friend, check on your funny friend, yes, and I felt that. I felt that I mean I felt that too, in lieu of he was. We can go on a different, a whole different path here.
Speaker 1:But, like the people in your life that are your constant cheerleaders, the people in your life that constantly show up for you, check on them Because, although that maybe, is part of their personality, I am very much that, but it is also because of I won't be liked if blah, blah, blah, blah, but I also like cheering people on because I want to be cheered on. Yes, I also think people are amazing and I'm surrounded by, and I want everybody to win, yes, yes, and I'm also surrounded by amazing women that I just want to. We don't cheer. We don't cheer women on enough, we don't believe in women enough. We don't push women to be their best selves enough. Look at the amount of women that are in the relationships they're in. Yes, so yes, I am that person. And then sometimes I look around like dang I am I cheering too much, too loudly for others and like nothing's cheering for me? No, no, no. Cheering for you, sharing for me, yeah, like that's something that I'm, you know, working through, yeah, but yeah, do you think it just takes us so long to heal? Because, also, women haven't been taught, like men, have not been taught, to express emotion. Women haven't really been taught how to let go or like how, and I always let go, like, how to realize, like that wasn't your fault. Yes, I think I'm, that wasn't your fault. I feel like I'm very hard on myself and I internalize every and question every movement that I've made, wondering if I ruined my kids. I still ask my kids as adults yes, there's a lot of trauma involved. Trauma, I feel like, is hard to recognize at first, and you might.
Speaker 1:For me, I was sick. I was very, very sick. I was stressed out to the point where I had a bazillion and one things wrong with me. I started getting autoimmune, because the body tells you before anything else, autoimmune disease. After autoimmune disease, arthritis, and I had rheumatoid arthritis. I had Lyme disease. I had, you had, lyme disease. Do you still have Lyme disease? Yes, I had gotten allergies. I had my gosh PCOS, you name it.
Speaker 1:If it was an autoimmune disease, thyroid problems, my body created it because I was so stressed out I had at one point couldn't eat practically anything, because I was so stressed out that my body was like you can't handle gluten, dairy, like literally I had to eat, like freaking. I couldn't even have pork, I had to eat chicken and I don't know. I can't remember what I had. So all this was happening during the marriage, or like even after the marriage, okay, during during the marriage, okay. So all that it all adds up to this trauma of like a big fucking ball of fucking shit mess, yes, and and it's like fishing line, yes, and you have to untangle it piece by piece to get to the core, which I don't even know. If I got to the core of it yet. It's been 14 years since I've been divorced, which really is long, but it's not that long.
Speaker 1:And you teach like you're an amazing yoga instructor, so you know where the places women hold emotions in their body are, yes, so and I, you know, again, I think it's just wish I knew, because I always think about other women, I think about myself, I think about other women, like I'm, to a point where I'm like, okay, I'm fucking ready, and then I backslide. And then I'm ready, and then I backslide into something else, or like emotions just catch up or some some trigger just sends me down somewhere else. The one thing that I wish I'd be better for me, for and I don't know if you're like this for yourself, but like I give my, my friends so much grace, like I have so much love, yeah, I have so much grace for my friends because I'm like life is fucking, like it's hard. And then for myself, I'm like what the why didn't you do that yesterday? You, fucking, why didn't you do that? Why are you feeling that way? Why does that song bother you? Why are you still thinking about this? Yes, like, move on. Also, like you know the boxes you have to check. So like, what is your problem? But yet, if any of my friends came to me, I'd be like what do you mean? Of course, yes, I would never, and I judge myself so much harder.
Speaker 1:So why is that? I wish I could tell you on that one. I don't know. I think it's just because we get beat up. I feel like you've been beat up enough. It been beat up enough. I feel like you've been beat up enough. It's a trauma response. Okay, can I also ask you this?
Speaker 1:In a weird way, does it feel like if I give myself grace, that I'm saying my behavior is okay, yes, and so if I say my behavior is okay, then I'm allowing my actions. But if someone else tells me my actions are okay, then it's again that validation, instead of me just being able to say like, hey, you fucked up, or hey, that song bothered you, or hey, you're not there yet, instead of like waiting for someone else to tell me it's okay. But if I tell myself somehow like I'm selfish or I'm pretentious, or does that make sense? Yes, I'm just thinking about that now as you're talking, because I'm like why is it like we all do great things and stupid things. We're so quick to give grace to other people but not to ourselves. Yet we want others to give ourselves grace, us grace, but like not often do it? Sometimes our friends are like what the fuck is wrong with you? And you're like oh my gosh, why would you call me out like that, even though they're trying to just be there for you, right? So sometimes I feel like I give myself too much grace and then I'm like, no, no, no, no, here we are again. No oopsies, yeah, but here we are again. Let's just say, working out.
Speaker 1:I have been a workout person my whole entire life. I was in sports. I've always worked out Athletics and moving your body has been your thing, something that I have to do, and I have my body has aliens, arthritis and surgeries and injuries. And I know that I have my body has aliens, arthritis and surgeries and injuries, and I know that I have to move every day or my hamstrings hurt, my back hurts, my knees hurt, my you know everything, all those things. Yep, yep. I know four facts that I need to move, I need to walk, I need to walk, I need to stretch, I need to lift the weights, because if I don't lift the weights, my body hurts because I'm fucking weak and I can't carry my goddamn head on my shoulders and my neck hurts, like we know the facts, we know the facts.
Speaker 1:But yeah, and then you also spiral and you make poor food choices and you make poor choices when you're like all the choices and you're like, okay, I'm super'm super, super busy. This weekend, I got this wedding coming up, uh, and then on sunday I have a baby shower. And then monday I got, I gotta run to the bank, I gotta get the new tire, I gotta blah, blah, blah. So you give yourself those three days grace. It was confirmation, that's my astrologer second Confirmation verb. And then that three days turns into five, and then your stomach hurts, you're bloated, your back hurts, nothing fits. That's the same concept of giving myself grace.
Speaker 1:And I also get busy and I stop journaling. I will forget that God exists. Not that I forget, no, but you forget Like he all of a sudden isn't in the forefront. Because which is another thing that I'm working on is my relationship with God over the universe, my angels, whatever you, whatever you and that's. And I always tell people like that's you, yeah, but I know, when I get far away from physical and I get far away from journaling and I get far away from God, like and for me it's God, and so I do this like I just have a journal. I find a script of the day and I write the script and I analyze it and I pray it's so. It takes 10 minutes. And I write the script and I analyze it and I pray it's so. It takes 10 minutes, but when other things start to fall, that falls and I do notice a difference in my life and I'm like Jamie, what are you doing? Everything. But that's another thing that I do is I give myself too much grace and then I beat myself up over the too much grace. So okay, so grace, no grace. We're journaling, we're healing.
Speaker 1:I would love to know that, jodi, now, back into your twenties, what would you tell your younger self Like I think about this a lot what would you tell your younger self that you wish you could have just been like I don't even know. So I've actually never, ever thought about this, about myself with other people, but I've never actually and I wrote it originally, nope, I wrote it this morning in here she's got a few different journals. Yeah, I got a lot of journals because I do a lot of things. I have a journal for podcasting, a journal for God and a journal for me. So I recently started going and saying you were more than just a body to be controlled. I am more than a body to be used, and I wish I knew how to stand out for myself the right way, which I don't know what that meant. Can you read that again, that last part? I wish I knew how to stand out for myself the right way, because what I did didn't work.
Speaker 1:When I was younger, you know, there was some abuse in my life, some situations that happened that I didn't stand up for myself the proper way. I spoke, but then I didn't speak anymore Because you were taught, told not to yes, or I don't even remember the situation properly. So I really wish I knew that it was okay to talk about it and to be louder. I wish I was louder. I am not what happened to me. I am worthy, I am enough. I have journaled, I am worthy and I'm enough for the last eight years.
Speaker 1:Then all of a sudden in my journal I'm like you are stronger than you think Because I have been through so much shit and I made it through every single one of those moments. And I just all of a sudden wrote that I'm stronger than I think, like out of the blue. That came out of nowhere. So I was like, yay, me, obviously. And then I said you don't have to settle down, you don't need a man to be anything. My value doesn't. It says your value doesn't come from a man's love. It says I grew up thinking I needed a man to provide, be the head of the household, and I felt like it was the only. I was only to be seen, not heard, stay at home, pregnant, barefoot, type of thing. I wrote that. So then I wrote my worth and my value is separate than a man. No man can alter your worth or value. He can and should only add more worth or value to what already exists in me.
Speaker 1:So, as Jodi is sitting across from me reading her journal with her cute blue shirt on and her gray sweatpants, with her blue journal and her glasses on, and her hair is just whisked, just so a little bit, like, she is so beautiful as she writes this, she is so beautiful as she decides to share her word and that not many people are willing to share their words, and so, from an outsider's perspective, like and I understand, like you show something, but for you to be sitting here and like willing to share your words to my thousands of people, that is so brave and so courageous. And it sucks everything that you've been through, but, as you said in there, you just keep getting through it. Yeah, because we all had somebody that helped them. If it would be a podcast, a book, words that you've heard a million times, but all of a sudden you hear them in a different way. A book that you've read three or four times and this one time in life you read it you're like holy shit, this hits so different.
Speaker 1:There's a quote, my favorite quote of all time is nothing changes if nothing changes. And I love that. But like how true is that it is. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It has to do with everything changes. It has to do with everything. This stupid statement has to do with anything and everything in your freaking life. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Speaker 1:So when we're sitting here and we're like why this, why that, why this, why that? We can ask all those questions. You're comfortable, you're used to it, you're in a safe place. But if you want yes, but if you want something to change, you have to do something out of the ordinary. Whether that's take a different route to work I've done this a couple of times just to like, let me just go a different way Whether that's delete all your social media, decide to put your phone on, do not disturb all day Sundays, you decide to start writing, you go see a therapist, whatever that is that you decide. It's like you change one thing, and sometimes just that one thing is everything. So I asked you what you would tell your past self, younger self, like you were stronger, you were so much stronger than you realize you are and gosh, goddamn, gosh, gosh, whatever. If only you could look back at that girl and be like just leave, like life is fucking awesome, just leave. You're good, like you're so good. You're so good, but you are okay, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:I have two questions, two, two together in one by itself, as we wrap up here tonight. Have you found peace in your life in parts, and what does peace look like and feel like to you? Yes, I thought for the longest time that I needed to be louder and I needed my ex to understand and I needed him to repent and I needed him to. I am so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I thought that that's what I needed from him, and what I needed was after my fourth court date, because he would not settle in court. So, my fourth court date, he did not agree with what we agreed upon before court and I stood up and I said I don't care, I am leaving here today without his last name and my attorney's like stop, stop the whole thing. My attorney was totally against it and I'm like no, I don't care, I don't want your last name. I finally was like what are you fighting for? I just don't want to be married to you anymore. I don't want your last name. Yeah, I don't care if I get 20 more dollars a month for child support, it don't fucking matter. I need to move the fuck on without you.
Speaker 1:I came to peace with knowing that he hurt me and I'll never know the reason why. I came to peace with the person that I had become. I had become a different person, or the person that I had become I had become a different person, or the person that I was becoming was thrown under the rug for a little while because I wasn't allowed to be her. So I was becoming her, but I had to become her on my ex's terms and I wasn't able to be fully her, who I was becoming. So you change. Yeah, so now are you like. She gets to be all of herself. I mean this cute little house you have like. Is this a different piece where you are right here. That's a different situation than I just left a week ago, dang guys. That's a different podcast. It's a different ship. It's a different podcast. I'm a person that needs to understand things to move on. Yeah, that's just how I am. I need receipts, I need the truth.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you the one thing that made me at peace with my ex-husband I was living at the house. This was 2012, now, three years since an incident. Two years have passed since I said I wanted a divorce, we had fought, and then we came back together as in like, okay, it's happening regardless. I have to live in this house Because, ladies, they make you live in the house. You can't leave the house if you have children, because it is spleen your children, which is the worst fucking law I've ever heard in my life. So I lived for three years on a couch and he gets to stay and he gets assist him. I lived three years on a couch while I was getting divorced. Anyway, that's a whole other, different situation.
Speaker 1:Another podcast yeah, so one day we have friends over and the kids are. You know, we try to make it as pleasant for the children as we can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this was also. They didn't ask, and that's the worst part, here I am. They don't ask for the divorce, they don't ask for all the things. Yes, they're just here. And so we tried to make it as pleasant for them as we could, even though they knew.
Speaker 1:Anyway, we were cleaning up and I was walking up the steps carrying you know like some food or something to bring into the house, and he's like he grabbed my arm and he was like see, it's good, it was good, some of it was good, it wasn't all that bad. And I'm like, no, you know like we had some great times you know we're having a moment on the steps because I mean, I didn't like beat you, beat you and my, I went, put my arm on him and I went no, you're right, you did, you are so right. And then I patted him on the back, picked up my garbage, went in the house and was like, yeah, I'm good, that is not a man that I want to live with. That is a man I don't want to say is my man. That was my aha moment per se and also like aha, peace, yes, like I can make peace with it. I made peace with that statement that he said. I can vividly remember it to what he was wearing, because I went in the house and I cleaned and I'm like moving forward.
Speaker 1:You didn't. You didn't, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a statement. I would definitely be like you know what you are. Yeah, I can let go now. Yeah, it was. I don't know what I needed, even though we were still going through the divorce. Yes, it was. He was not allowing me to get divorced, so we had, you know, you were just stuck. You were stuck. You were stuck. Then it was like every six months he could go to the court. You know, it was like 2012 was our first court date, and then we got the last court date was July 17th, 2013. Yeah, 2013. Yeah, 2013. Yeah, no, I can't. I'm a reading teacher, I'm an English teacher. I don't do math. Either way, I'm not a math teacher.
Speaker 1:Okay, so, jodi, I want you to think about women that are listening to this. Whether they're in abusive emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically Women are just stuck. What is a piece of advice that you emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically Women are just stuck. What is a piece of advice that you're like, dang, I wish someone would have just told me this, or I just want you to know this. What is something that you want to just leave?
Speaker 1:I have found that, talking to women in relationships with children, that they stay with children. I definitely stay with my children and I've asked my kids as adults, who are now 26 and 30 that say, yeah, it didn't help me, waiting didn't help. My youngest was in sixth or seventh grade and he was literally like, yeah, when I'm in puberty the best time for you to get divorced? My oldest was in high school. The best time for my oldest it's never a good time. It is never. No matter what you think, it's never a good time. My kids were in elementary. My brother, I was a senior in high school. My brother was a freshman in high school. My parents got divorced. It's going to fuck them up all the time. Talk to your kids, talk to them. It's going to fuck them up. Talk to them.
Speaker 1:But advice for advice, when my mom decided she was getting divorced, I'm always the baby. My brothers were older. So I'm 20, my brother's 24, my other brother's 25, and it still was fucking hard. It still fucked me up. It's your family, it's your home. So my advice is don't wait for the kids to be graduating from high school. It don't fucking matter If you're unhappy, I know. Now life is too short If your goal is to live alone and to have peace and serenity in your own house. Don't fucking wait. I don't know how to explain it except for you don't need to wait If you have a financial ability.
Speaker 1:What if you don't? You'll go back to that. Yes, if you have financial abilities, you have your own job. You make your own money. I don't care. If you don't think you're going to make enough, you will figure the fuck. We all do. We're fucking women. We make gourmet meals out of $10, sometimes when we had no money. When we were raising our kids, our kids were always fed. Our kids always had shoes on.
Speaker 1:We'll find a way you can get assistance you can get. There's so many things you can do. Also, check your circle. Yes, like I know, as women, like sometimes, we don't want to ask for help. I hate asking for help. I've lived this year the third person I've talked to about this, I in my head. Asking someone for help feels weak to me, but when my friends ask me for help, I think they're the strongest people.
Speaker 1:I'm jumping to the occasion. I'm jumping and I'm so proud of them and I'm like. I wish I was like you. Ask, ask, ask, jamie, that's me. Ask, okay, my friends helped me. They gave me an out. I got keys to a mother-in-law suite that my friends at the WAC gave me and she said if you need to leave, if you need to escape, here are the keys to the mother-in-law's suite that nobody lives at. This is the address. You have this. They gave me some money to put into my savings account and they said use it for whatever. They gave me Subway, pick and Save, aldi, any type of food source, of gift card. They all kind of got together and they got me some gift cards and stuff for food. Wise Be. Like, once you're out, you know, give this to your kid, let your kids go, get to Subway. You know like, yeah, it takes a village. There is, it's definitely a village.
Speaker 1:I moved in originally moved in with my girlfriend who had just got divorced. There's, there's things. There's things you can do. You just have to ask. I had a girlfriend just recently down on it saying she can't find a place to live. I put it on Facebook and within a half hour she had three opportunities of places to live, within a half hour of her asking me.
Speaker 1:You know, I think, hearing you talk right now, the one thing I'm getting over and over and over is like be happy. And I'm not saying like because marriage is hard. Okay, marriage is hard, marriage even when it's good. And again, I was straight and I'm gay. But like, even in my marriage originally, like there were hard parts we made it through because the base of us was friendship, right. But if you're somewhere and like most of it is sad, this is your own, this is the only life you get, this is it. And like you have a village and there are resources and there are people and like damn you women, ladies, we're so strong and amazing and we deserve happiness, we grow children in our bodies and we deserve so much happiness and peace. Yes, so that's like, as you're talking, the more I'm hearing you talk is I just keep hearing you say, like happiness, go where the happiness is, don't be scared. To like, go there, don't be scared. To like go there, don't be scared, it's not for you. Because I think sometimes also we think like well, that one day was good Yep, oh for sure. Or like Monday was so good. Yeah, I mean Tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday sucked, but like Saturday, sunday was super good. Vacations are always good. Yeah, almost Well, depending on who you're with.
Speaker 1:Jodi, we're going to wrap up. Is there anything else you want to leave our listeners with? Trust your gut, mm-hmm. Trust your gut, and you don't need the receipts. Like I did, I felt like I needed Proof receipts. Yeah, I needed the facts because I'm just a factual person and I need to understand the reason why. You don't need closure, you don't need to understand. If your heart says leave, then leave. Yeah, it's about life is short. You never know. You just never know. And just also, I think, like be a role model for your kids, show your kids a good relationship. I think, like be a role model for your kids, show your kids a good relationship.
Speaker 1:I want to thank Jodi for coming on and just really pinpointing how things come full circle and how women like, how often we're overlooked and how often we overlook ourselves and it takes a long time to get out. So if any of y'all on here are trying to get out, you can always message me or, jody, you can just know, like just also, yeah, but just also know you're worth it, like I, just like you're so worth it and happiness is worth it. And when your body is getting sick, when your body is shutting down, I'm telling you. Your body is telling you like I I don't know how else to tell people I've told this to myself and my body shuts and I'm like I need another sign like why is my hair falling out? It's fine, you're, get out of the environment. Get out of the environment. Yes, nothing changes. Nothing changes if you don't change. Friends, alright, we're gonna wrap it up. Stay cute, stay kind, keep dancing even when everyone is watching. Peace out, y'all.
