Dragons at the Gate: Advocacy, Community, and Getting Your Shit Together, with Laura Lang-Ree

What if there were a roadmap for everything you need to know to take care of yourself and your family when you get a serious diagnosis for your child or someone you love? Now there is. 

In this powerful episode, we sit down with Laura Lang-Ree, author of The Cancer Parents Handbook, who transformed her family's childhood cancer journey into a roadmap for other parents facing medical crises.

When Laura's three-year-old daughter Cecilia said, "It hurts everywhere, mama," no one expected a cancer diagnosis would soon follow. What began as another doctor's visit quickly spiraled into years of treatment, hospital stays, and learning to navigate the complex medical system as her daughter's fiercest advocate.

Laura shares the raw, unfiltered reality of parenting a child through cancer—from the initial shock to the development of practical coping strategies. She introduces us to her daughter's concept of "positude," and explains how this simple idea became their family's rallying cry through the darkest days of treatment.

With refreshing candor, Laura breaks down her no-nonsense "get your shit together" philosophy that helped her family not just survive but find moments of joy despite overwhelming circumstances. She offers actionable advice on creating "hospital parties," managing medical information, and ensuring siblings don't get lost in the chaos.

This conversation isn't just for parents dealing with childhood cancer. Laura's insights apply to anyone facing a crisis that demands resilience, advocacy, and the courage to ask for help when you need it most.

In This Episode, You'll Learn:

• How to actually get your shit together
• How to become your child's best advocate 
• Practical ways to create a "new normal" 
• How to distinguish between what you need to know right now versus what can wait
• Specific ways friends and family can actually help (not just offer) during a medical crisis
• Strategies for protecting siblings when one child requires intensive medical care
• Self-care techniques that work even when you think you don't have time for them
• Ways to reclaim agency and control in situations that feel completely uncontrollable
• How to find "positude" even on your darkest days, without falling into toxic positivity

Learn more about Laura:

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Transcript

Transcript

Jessica Fein: Welcome. I'm Jessica Fein, and this is the “I Don't Know How You Do It” podcast, where we talk to people whose lives seem unimaginable from the outside and dive into how they're able to do things that look undoable. I'm so glad you're joining me on this journey, and I hope you enjoy the conversation. 

Welcome back to the show. I'm so excited to introduce you to today's guest, Laura Lang-Ree. When I read Laura's book, which is called The Cancer Parents Handbook: what your oncologist doesn't have time to tell you, I was cheering, I was nodding, and I was taking notes.

Now, I am NOT a cancer parent, but the advice that Laura gives and the way she gives it is [00:01:00] useful for so many challenges. Laura became a cancer parent when her three-year-old daughter, Cecilia, was diagnosed with childhood leukemia. Laura entered the frenzied existence of childhood cancer. She went searching online for help, and she uncovered the truth that there was no book, no expert, no roadmap for parenting a kid through cancer, and for leading a family through this journey.

From that devastating moment emerged a warrior mother, who would not only navigate her daughter, Cecilia, through years of treatment, but would eventually transform her hard-earned wisdom into a lifeline for others. In today's episode, Laura shares her powerful journey from shocked parent to seasoned advocate.

With refreshing candor and her signature get your shit together approach, Laura offers no nonsense advice on everything, from organizing hospital parties to mastering medical terminology. Laura delivers tough love alongside practical strategies, [00:02:00] reminding us that there's a time for wallowing and a time to step up as an advocate.

The strategies and advice within are so useful if you or someone you love is facing any kind of serious diagnosis or major challenge. Laura's straight talking insights on advocacy, self care, and maintaining family bonds will leave you inspired to sharpen your own swords for whatever battles lie ahead.

And yes. To get your shit together when it matters most. Without further ado, I bring you my friend, Laura Lang-Ree.

Welcome, Laura. I am so glad to have you here. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: I'm so glad to be here. 

Jessica Fein: I think it's been like two years since we first met. And at that point, we both had books in the works. And now here we are with both of us having books out in the world. So that's pretty cool. Congratulations. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Oh my gosh. Congratulations to you.

A book and a podcast and a speaker series. I mean, it's just been so full circle to have met somebody [00:03:00] during the throes of COVID and then. Here we are. 

Jessica Fein: Here we are. All right, well, there's so much to talk about, so I'm going to dive right in, and I want to begin with the way your book begins, which is so beautiful.

The very first paragraph of your book is as follows. “There is a dragon at the gate who means to do your child harm, raise the drawbridge, polish your armor, sharpen your swords. You will find a way to fight and defeat it. The stakes are too high to do anything less than everything you can. The time will come to take off your armor and breathe again, and you will be the hope for another family.”

I mean, that is just so stunning and I'm sure it will not be a surprise to you. That it is something I so related to. I bet. And I was wondering, at what point in your story did you write that paragraph? Did you write it from looking [00:04:00] backwards in hindsight, or did you write it when you were going through things?

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: I was in it when I wrote that, and it's just has sort of shocked me that I kept it all this time. I kept a lot of notes about the whole process, but that was one of the very first things that I wrote down. And I don't even know why, but I guess I knew my future self was headed here. That was the hope anyway, 

Jessica Fein: That's just amazing.

So bring us back for people who don't know your story and tell us where there was when you wrote this piece. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Absolutely. It was 1999 and our little family was growing. My husband and I, much like you guys met in high school, 

Jessica Fein: but wait, hold on. You get the prize there. We met in college. So you actually, win 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: I thought it was high-school.

We had a long extended time together before we were married, a long honeymoon. It was like, dang, we got to start having kids. So we started to build our family. We had a little three year old and a 15 month old and our oldest just didn't feel right.

She just was kind of sick and nothing serious, kind of like a runny nose. But I felt like [00:05:00] her lethargy. Was telling because she was a very active kid and always never really wanted to love cuddle But didn't want to be held and would run run run run run and she was asking to be held all the time and didn't Want to do her favorite things and we went to the doctor once or twice and you know, she's fine No antibiotics, no nothing and then a couple weeks pass.

I'm like, okay, this is not working for me And that was definitely my first little inkling of what a warrior advocate I would become, because I insisted on a blood test. And the night prior I said to Cecilia, so tell me, where does it hurt? Because obviously she didn't feel good. And she put her hand over her body and she said, everywhere, mama.

And so Arne and I both went to have the blood drawn because we, we often will say, you know, we somehow knew shit was about to hit the fan. We would never have thought the word cancer would come out of a doctor's mouth later that day. 

And it did. 

Jessica Fein: Wow. It was that fast. It was from blood work to diagnosis.

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Blood work to inpatient within hours. 

Jessica Fein: Wow. And so just to continue talking [00:06:00] about this piece you wrote for just another minute, it is amazing to me because it reads so much like something that you could look back on an experience and say, you got this and you could feel like you were going to sharpen your source and you would know that you would be a shining example for others.

And yet you must have been like totally in another world when you got that diagnosis. And yet there was a piece of you that seems like it was pretty grounded. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yeah, I think that grounding was definitely hard earned. So you're in it for several months to several years. So it's an extended situation as opposed to a quicker fix, if you will.

So that grounding really came with hard earned thought, time, and lots of tears, and lots of uncertainty. And lots of, um, looking around going, What am I supposed to be doing? I don't understand. And at some point, through the help of friends, mostly in the trenches with me, I figured out a way of [00:07:00] existing with this, and somewhere in that midst is probably when I wrote that little thing.

Cause that's probably the point when I started to look at new patients walking, parents walking in and going, Oh, I know that face. 

Jessica Fein: Yes. Oh my God. That's so true. Is that you do have this little transformation and you go from being that one that you are just like everybody's looking at you and you are out of body experience and watching yourself from above to recognizing that look in others.

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yeah. And there's something beautiful even when you're in the sucky situation about shifting that narrative and that focus to going, okay, I can maybe make that person's day a little brighter. That's what it was for me. It was my girlfriend, Irene, who marched up to me in week one and said, you look like you need help.

And she was a year ahead of us, same diagnosis and just proceeded to get my email and send me information. And it was like, okay, I can do that for someone else. I can maybe be the hope for somebody else. 

Jessica Fein: Well, okay, hold on. You're being the Irene for like a whole lot of other people at this point, right?[00:08:00] 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yeah, that's the plan. 

Jessica Fein: Yeah, amazing. And we love Irene, right? Everybody needs an Irene in their life. Cecilia was pretty awesome during this, and I love that she coined the phrase that got you through some really dark times by coming up with the word “positude.” Yes. How did she come up with that, and how did you have that guide you through those dark days?

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: It was pretty early on, and we, you know, the initial phases of childhood cancer really are pretty hot and heavy in the beginning. And then if you're lucky, things Stabilize a little bit. You're still dealing with daily chemo and shots and pokes and bone marrow aspirates and a lot of invasive procedures, but you have more of a routine coming or some predictability.

We had learned along the way, and I'm a teacher by trade, so I knew that kids really like to understand what's coming. They don't want to be inserted with a shot or unaware of the poke. So we were going through the process as newbies of [00:09:00] explaining to her, Okay, we're going to the hospital today. And we had decided that after we had showered her with probably a beanie baby a day for a month, that that was not sustainable for however long this, this cancer journey was going to be. So we were backtracking on overindulging and expecting her to behave politely. And we explained what was going to happen, who she was going to see.

We wanted her to say hello and say thank you. And then at the end of all that happened, she'd get a popsicle and we'd go to her favorite park. And so because we're nervous and anxiety ridden, we're repeating this probably for the third time. And she keeps looking at us and nodding and looking at us and nodding.

And finally she stops us and goes, wait, you mean you want me to have a positude? We kind of looked at her. She's like a positive attitude. And we're like, well, yeah. And that, that just came out of, you know, the mouths of babes, and that became our rallying cry. It really became our family mantra to choose, and boy, it's an act of choice, to choose to see the good and the joy that you can find even in nasty, dark days.

To [00:10:00] just kind of approach it and go, yeah, I gotta get through this crap today. But I can focus on that good thing that's going to come at one point during the day. 

Jessica Fein: Yeah, I love that. And it is so necessary. Remind us, how old was she at that point? 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Three and a half. 

Jessica Fein: Three and a half. And so this was really like from three and a half to six and a half?

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yep. And then there was probably four more years of the follow up care and the checking and the looking over your shoulder times. But yep. 

Jessica Fein: And how old is she now? 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: 30. 

Jessica Fein: It had to have been a really marked before and after for you. Because as you said, you had this little family. You thought something might be awry, but never in a million years did you think it was going to be cancer.

And so, what strikes me is that you have this before the diagnosis and after the diagnosis and you shift into, you know, survival mode and you meet Irene and you get some positude. And then there's another after, which [00:11:00] is six and a half. But I'm wondering. Does it ever really feel like you can exhale? Like, when does that happen in this journey?

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yeah, it does take time. In fact, I've had a lot of parents ask me, okay, you've written the Cancer Parents Handbook for during, can you do a sequel for the survivor years? Because it's true. And until you really start to talk to parents about it in your network of what you've gone through, do you find, um, so many stories and so much of the trauma for us as caregivers and as parents really occurs in the after years because we are so jacked up on adrenaline and the go go go the do do do That when it's time to exhale is when we fall apart. And yeah, I can't fall apart during it There's not enough time or space There's no time or space and you've got a kid to think about and there's all this stuff going on And we also had a beautiful little circle of friends that we adored that we're all going through similar or the same type of cancer And it was just, it's the [00:12:00] roll of a dice cancer diagnosis, and the kids that we were buddies with, three of them passed away, two of them relapsed, repeated treatment, relapsed again, and had bone marrow transplants, which, you know, are horrific experiences.

So, I don't know if any parent in a chronic illness like that ever has that. That feeling of like, it's going to be okay. There's always the looking over the shoulder. But I do remember getting towards the end of treatment and being, starting to spiral again. I'd been in a good place and we were now getting towards the end, which is a whole kettle of whatever you call it, because you're going to go off of the medicine.

And then it's like, holy crap, what do I do now? So, I was spiraling and I, we went to our pastor and explained the situation and had to explain what had gone on with our friends and we didn't really feel like we had the ability to say, it's going to be fine. Everything's great. Everything's okay. We can just drop thinking about this.

It's done. And we ranted for a while and she listened and then she said, you know, have you ever considered She's the Hope? And I had not. I didn't feel like that was my journey [00:13:00] to be able to say that or that I had the right to say that because you don't know what's going to happen with your child. But her point was, in this moment in time, your child's doing fine.

Let that be. And let her be the hope. In just as many ways, she might relapse and die. And she might not. So you can choose to think about it in a hopeful way. And that was a big mind shift for me because we had lost our little friends, including Irene's son, Luke. And it was a very catastrophic experience for us and for them to be in the inner circle of that process happening and to being by their side.

So, it took some doing and then it took a very intentional mindset to think, yes, we can. The other pivotal experience that I talk about in the Cancer Parents Handbook was very early on we went to a wonderful children's cancer camp called Camp Akaizu. And this is just the most marvelous place where kids who are in treatment can go and safely receive their medicine and get dirty and play and have fun and see other bald heads and all the [00:14:00] things.

But I was most excited about, as was my husband, Arne, is going to the parent meeting because I thought these people are going to have it all going on. They're going to be able to help me. They're going to know what's happening. I need to learn. I wanted to learn so much. What do I do next? How do I process this?

What is the plan? And there were parents there who were three months ahead of us, three years ahead of us, 10 years out of treatment, and their kids were still coming to camp. And it was just, of course, this particular mix of humans. But it was an hour and a half of despair. And these are children who lived.

And I remember we raised our hand a second, once or twice, like, you know, sharing our tiny but mighty coping strategies we developed in, you know, all of three months that we'd been in treatment. And realize we needed to just shut up and listen because we were the newbies, but I'll tell you, we left that meeting and Art and I looked at each other and said, whatever happens, we got to make a pinky promise to not end up like that.

We have to be able to process however this journey is going to take us. together as a unit [00:15:00] and that was pretty formidable for us 

Jessica Fein: Was what you were seeing many couples who were had divided 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Divided, divorced, separated, and also mentally never left their cancer years at that particular meeting There was no one in bereavement So, you know you're thinking gosh if I'm lucky enough and my kids survives this for God's sake You've got to figure out a way to move on 

Jessica Fein: Right, not to let it define you. It's so interesting, you know because I think the number one thing people on the show say, regardless of what they're going through, and not everybody's going through trauma and tragedy who's on this show, by the way.

Some people have just chosen really different paths and hear “I don't know how you do it.” But the number one thing people say is finding other people who have been through it, finding community. I mean, I hear that a lot. And there's this other side to that, which is when you seek to find community, sometimes it can backfire.

Right? Because the other people can bring [00:16:00] you down, and that's not what you need.

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: You need them to be choosing hope. Yes, and that's one of the reasons that I wrote the Cancer Parents Handbook is because I was so frustrated by the lack of information. I just wanted someone to tell me what my options were and what my role was as a caregiver in a medical trauma.

And I couldn't get the answer to that. And I definitely had the online platforms and they're even more robust now. But as you say, the downside to that is that you're also living in their abject fear and despair and anxiety too. So, when you need a quick answer to something, that can be wonderful, but they have to be used in moderation.

Jessica Fein: Right. So, there was no roadmap, which of course you then created, and it's amazing. And there are so many ways you approach the subject that really And so, for example, when you organize information by what you need to know right now and what can wait. Now, first of all, I feel like we all need that kind of roadmap for [00:17:00] anything we're dealing with in life, right?

Yeah. Like, what do I need to know right now and what can I put off? I mean, that would be so useful. How do you know what's a need to know right now and what's a that can wait? 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yeah, it wasn't enough for it to be copious notes that I took during treatment and shared with other parents, but rather digging into the here and now.

So I solicited the opinions and thoughts of oncologists and nurses and also the class, if you will, of 2020 to 2024 of the current cancer families online. So thousands and thousands of families who agreed to help me, letting me ask questions about what is still important to you right now and what can wait.

And of course, a lot of that is driven by our medical team is going to say, listen, this is what's important right this second in a cancer community. You don't have to worry about the rest until later, and some of it is simply lived experience. 

Jessica Fein: Yeah. Because I feel like if we could just separate those two things out, again, when we're going through it, [00:18:00] whether it's, you know, the cancer diagnosis or other things, or just in an everyday kind of situation.

I mean, that's what gets us so overwhelmed and anxious is the whole swirling in the head of all the stuff. And if we just were like, okay, this is what I need to know now. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yep. The one day at a time. The what if ing is tough, but if you think of it one day at a time, and that's really all we can manage, sometimes one hour at a time.

Yes. 

Jessica Fein: Okay. My favorite chapter title, which may be my favorite chapter title of all time, is “Get Your Shit Together. “

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: I knew you were going to say that. Of course you would. 

Jessica Fein: First of all, again, I feel like that should just be a chapter for all of us. I mean, so much of this, it's funny, you know, I mean, here we're reading about one of the most horrific, intense things.

But the way that you talk about it and the way that you organize it, you could really use a lot of the advice for things that are not even on that level. A lot of the advice is still helpful, I have to say.

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yeah, for sure. 

Jessica Fein: So tell us, [00:19:00] what are some of those top pieces of advice you give to your readers in terms of how they need to get their shit together?

And by God, talk about some tough love to be telling people, get your shit together. From your vantage point, you have every right to say that. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: With love, you know, I have the benefit of time and experience. So I'm, I've been out of this for a long time and it took a long time to be ready to do this. So, I'm more of the best friend, coach, cheerleader, butt, you know, whip-cracker, let's go person because I, I have that time and space on my side.

So, we do wallow in the despair of a diagnosis of any kind for quite some time. That's perfectly human and natural because we're paralyzed. You can't even understand what your child's been diagnosed with and how am I supposed to face this right now, much less for years on end and then the potential side effects coming down the road and it's overwhelming and you can live in the land of spiral and despair so easily, but you are not serving your child unless you get your shit together.

So that is the moment when I kind of shake the reader a little bit and go, okay, [00:20:00] let's go. And you cannot be the number one advocate and gatekeeper for your child unless you get your shit together. And the first thing that a parent needs to do is to understand the diagnosis better than their medical team.

And that's a tall order, but they must, because it does fall to us. We have amazing medical teams who are in charge of the protocol and administering the best possible care they can for our kid who's going through a crisis, but everything else is up to us. And that means we need to understand what they're doing so that we can be in collaboration with them when we see a reaction from our child, or when we see something that doesn't seem quite right, or if we're in the hospital.

And they're delivering bags of blood for your kid or medicine and their name's not on it. It is up to us to know all and to be able to double check things so that we can be the best advocate for our child. 

Jessica Fein: That is such good advice. I wish I had heard that advice when I got my daughter's diagnosis, but it's also scary advice because what we're saying and it's true [00:21:00] is you are going to be the number one caregiver, the number one advocate.

You got to know it better than anybody. And in the case of a rare disease like we were dealing with, we'd run into many medical providers who didn't even know about the disease. And yet I remember leaving that appointment and being like, I don't know, I'm not a scientist, I'm not a doctor, like, I can't wrap my arms around what they're talking about, you know, I mean, that's very overwhelming to think you've got to now learn it all.

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Oh, it is. I remember being handed the bags of chemo and the instructions and kind of being pat and saying, okay, you got this, you can go home for a while. I'm like, I'm sorry, what? Yeah. So yeah, we are thrown into the pit when we have diagnoses like this, for sure. 

Jessica Fein: So how else do people get their shit together?

So they gotta master the diagnosis, what else? 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yes. So mastering the diagnosis, becoming your best advocate for your child and for yourself. When you're dealing with a long term diagnosis of any kind, you need to think of it more like a marathon versus a race. So what are you going to do [00:22:00] to get your shit together to make this a sustainable operation?

And so that can be things like creating your new normal, which means making this process as ho hum as you possibly can, not just only for your child's sake, who's going through whatever they're going through, but for any siblings who might be in the room. So that every needle stick, every appointment, every situation isn't a catastrophic tearful trauma, but rather, This is just shit we got to go through.

So, let's figure it out. And, the trick to this, I think, is giving them agency. So, we had an experience where, after month one, Cecilia's nurse said to her, Hey, okay, so one of the ten things you need to do every week, including daily chemo, is you're going to have a giant needle inserted into your thigh.

Actually, she just showed it to us, and we saw the giant needle of chemo. And, you know, you can come here or we can teach your parents how to do it and you can do it at home. What do you think, Cecilia? And she said, Oh, I want my parents to do it. And we were just [00:23:00] dying on the inside, like, Oh, God, no. But I'll tell you, that kind of getting your shit together was so pivotal.

And we were thrown into it at the time because the nurse sort of made us do it. But it became a cornerstone because we realized that we could take more control of the situation that was so uncontrollable. by doing it at home, by allowing Cecilia to create a routine that worked for her. So she decided which lake it was.

She decided she got to watch TV with dinner that night. So she picked the show. She picked the dinner. She knew the shot was going to happen. So she just learned how to whale breathe. That's what was her version of Lamaze had all of the shows going, sat in my lap, iced her legs. She got to count to three.

And we did it and once the routine was established and it was normal in her world and her baby sister's world who held her hand while she did it, everyone just went on with their day. There was no tears, there was no trauma. She just was like, okay, let's get it over with, go. At the age of three and a half, four, five, six.[00:24:00] 

And the same thing with labs. Once I got. The bug that we could create our new normal, I started asking more questions. And that is part of getting your shit together, is to ask questions, ask more questions, and demand more questions. They want to help you take care of your child, so never be afraid to ask the questions.

And I asked, you know, for these weekly labs, do we really have to go to the hospital? Can we do this a different way? And we were granted permission to do them at local labs. So I made it fun again, piled the kids in the bike trailer, got a tiny workout in, went and did the labs. Your phlebotomist gets used to you.

We did the same routine with the labs and went out for bagels with them afterwards. And they thought that was the funnest day ever. Oh, it's lab day. Great. And by the time I got home, the labs were waiting for me on my email. So no germs, no hospital, no drama, no stress. And that was all because I got my shit together, I understood the diagnosis, I understood what rights and privileges we could have if we asked, and I asked.

Jessica Fein: People need to read this book, need to listen to this and understand you [00:25:00] do have that power and you do have that control. Because I think many of us, and I know I fell into this, feel like we have to be really differential to the doctors. Like we want them to like us, we're so dependent on them. And what you're saying here is so important that you need to understand it and you need to be able to take that control because it can make such a profound difference.

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: It does, but if you don't know your child's diagnosis and you're just speaking out of turn, it's, you're useless and they, they're busy people. They have a lot going on where they're taking care of a child in a crisis. So know your stuff. 

Jessica Fein: Another thing that you talk about and you just mentioned about being an advocate, I love how you break it down because the idea of going from just like whatever you are, you're a teacher, I was in marketing, to being the master of the diagnosis and an advocate and this and that, it can feel really scary.

But you point out that advocacy can be equally meaningful in little ways too, right? That you can have, like, [00:26:00] small advocacy, like the bite sized advocacy, and the big advocacy. Yeah. Yeah. Talk to us about the small ways you can be an advocate. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: The oncologists and the nurses who were on our team and who collaborated with me in the book, which was so full circle.

Say the same thing. It's like, why don't they just ask? So the little things like when you will go in for a regular hospital stay or an emergency hospital stay, you have little asks like, can you keep the lights off at night when you come in to do vitals so she can stay sleeping? Or, can we do it in the left arm instead of the right this time?

She'd like to keep playing with her Legos. Or, oh, hey, you just came in and you want to do a bunch of tests. You know what? No one told us that was happening. Let's go talk outside for a second and come up with a plan because my kid doesn't do well with things unannounced. Those are examples of what I would call little asks that can make such a difference for your kid because if you want them to be strong and to fight whatever it is they're fighting, they need to feel like they have some agency.

And if they keep getting surprised by stuff, they're not going to trust you, much less anybody else.[00:27:00] 

Ad: Real and unfiltered stories of resilience featuring heartfelt conversations, personal breakthroughs, and expert insights. From lost mental health battles to finding hope in chaos, we're here to remind you that you're stronger than you think. You can listen to us on your favorite podcast player, and let's keep strengthening that resilience muscle together.

Because no matter what life throws your way, you are resilient AF.

Jessica Fein: You mentioned that you have Irene who is showing you the way and that's one thing when we talk about people who are a few steps ahead of you on the path. But then there are all the people who were in your life before. Friends, family, who want to be helpful. And what I love about your book is that you've [00:28:00] got tons of really clear advice for those people.

Let's talk about a few really tactical, practical things that people who want to be helpful for their friend in a crisis can do. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yes. It's such an important question and it's broken down into two different ways. So I have a chapter for us as caregivers, like, Hey, do you need help? You know, I call the chapter, “Don't be a hero. You already are.” You need to figure out what it is you need and that you want. And then later in the book, I have an entire chapter devoted to grandparents, friends, and family to help them understand, Oh, I should do this because it is our inclination. And I just, uh, I even did it to a friend not too long ago who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.

And in my own anxiety, I kind of went, Oh, I think she's going to need a minute to digest. And then I'll reach out and I was like, what are you doing? So, one of the most pivotal things you can do is show up. And I was listening to one of your podcasts and was so impressed with a woman whose friend just didn't ask, they showed up.

And that was certainly the case for us, [00:29:00] was you just arrived. If you ask, so I'm speaking to your listeners who were like, Oh gosh, how can I be that the best parent, friend, grandparent to my person? Don't ask them, Oh, do you want dinner Friday night? Or would you like me to get a housekeeper next month? You just do it.

Make it simple because if you ask, it is human nature for us to say, no, no, no, we're good. I've got it. I'm, I'm fine. We're not fine. None of us are fine. We want you to help us. We just don't know how to ask. Or if you know your person loves a particular kind of lunch or a tea or a coffee on your way to work, just stop by, drop it off, give a kiss and that's it.

Jessica Fein: Yeah, I love that because the thing is, I think so many people are really scared by hospitals, particularly when we're talking about children in hospitals. And it's very easy to say to yourself, Oh, well, I don't want to bother them anyway. And what could I do? And, you know, so they stay away. We had a very long extended stay in the intensive care unit.

And even some of the people closest to us just didn't really show up. And then there were people who were there like every single day. [00:30:00] And I get it. I totally get it. But you tell people how to visit somebody in the hospital. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Absolutely. And I think if you are a good friend or a grandparent or a parent, you got to suck it up and figure it out.

Your person is suffering more than you are. 

Jessica Fein: And yeah. Get over your discomfort. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Get over your discomfort. I at one point very early on had to tell my mother, stop crying. I can't do this with you. I know we're all sad. I need you to not cry. 

So it's twofold. It's us being mom, get your shit together, get your shit together.

And she did boy. is telling our person what we need. But also let me tell the listeners, it's you show up with joy. It depends on the scenario, right? Some of us are in for extended periods of time and it's very boring. And we're just sitting there getting. Stuff done to us. So come with a game, come with a book, you know, their child loves and say, could I read to them while you go take a walk and get your friend out of there to go put their face in the sun?

Or maybe they need to go to the chapel, or maybe they wanna go cry, or maybe, who knows? But [00:31:00] you just show up with a treasure or a treat and always remember the siblings. I think that's a big piece of advice for our friends and family and grandparents, is that our siblings are, our other children are suffering too.

So let them join in the fun. And if you're close to your friend and you have kids a similar age, bring them. They really don't care. I have found over and over again with Cecilia that the kids who didn't know what the hospital felt like for her suffered way more than the ones who just showed up and hung out in bed and watched Teletubbies or ran down the hall telling knock knock jokes while she's pulling a bag of chemo.

No, but they don't care. They just don't care. 

Jessica Fein: That's right. A couple of my favorites. One of my friends came and she would polish Dahlia's toenails. She would put her little pedicure. And Dahlia loved that. It was so sweet. And then another friend would set up like a little movie situation, you know, put a movie on the laptop and then crawl into bed with her.

It was like making it into a little movie theater, you know, just these things to break up the monotony. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yes, exactly. To break up the [00:32:00] monotony. I had a girlfriend who would come with dinner, wouldn't ask what we wanted. She just knew. We were able to leave the room from time to time in that particular case.

And we go find a sunny alcove to just get the hell out of the room, sit with our friends and have dinner and play a game. And the kids ran, I mean, it was great. 

Jessica Fein: What's a hospital party? Tell us about that. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Well, after I got my mom stopped crying and month one of induction was over, we have six months in, in our protocol of intensive chemo and you have to stay in the hospital for at least three days and it could be a week or more depending on how their body processes the chemotherapy.

So it's long. It's boring. If you're lucky, if you're lucky, it's just boring. It's just sitting there and they might feel bad. They might feel okay. But it's just so many hours and what are you going to do with your kid in there the whole time? And how are you going to get comfortable? Are you going to sleep?

And are they going to be bored? And what if they're, I mean, there's so many what ifs, right? So somewhere along the way, it could have been my dad, I'm not entirely sure, but we decided to come up with the idea of the hospital party. It's like, okay, if we got to do this damn thing, let's just make it fun. [00:33:00] And so we saved all sorts of activities and goodies just for hospital stays.

And we also had unexpected hospital stays later. So it came into play. She happened to get an IV for these, of course, and most kids do when they're in the hospital for that sort of thing. So we would have activities that you could do with one hand, and we would build giant poster boards with the schedule for the day.

So you knew exactly when the treatments were going to happen, when the playroom was open, when your friend was coming, when it was nap time. And we had Cecilia help with the plans, so she knew all of the activities and the special toys and treats we would have. We would have themed days, so we would bring streamers and cling art, and we just We walked in like we owned the place and just, thankfully we were almost always by ourselves.

So we had the, you know, the joy of being able to move in like we owned the place and just made it gorgeous and fun. Oh my God, a roommate would have been so psyched though. Are you kidding? I would hope so. It has a party all of a sudden. It was great. And then the nurses and the doctors are so collaborative in that effort too and we remember the sixth one, we dragged our butts out of there and Lauren and I looked at each other like, holy shit.[00:34:00] 

What the hell just happened? And she's spinning around like toddlers, you know, three year olds do. And she looks back up at the hospital and goes, I'm going to miss this place. We were like, really? So we knew we had done something right. And I, I tell a great deal in the Cancer Parents Handbook, how to throw your own hospital party.

If you are fortunate enough to be in the hospital, just, you know, you have to be there for an extended period of time or regular treatments. Great. 

Jessica Fein: Don't get overwhelmed by the idea of throwing the hospital party because you map it all out. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Oh yeah. It's all mapped out for you. Copious list. 

Jessica Fein: So, you're doing so much for Cecilia at this point, and you're also being cognizant of the siblings.

How in the world did you take care of yourself? 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Not very well at first. I think I had a fairly, I don't know how you were, but I had a fairly decent, you know, I would work out from time to time. My faith practice was okay, but I didn't have anything like I am the powerhouse now, and that comes from lived experience and, and trauma, right, of going through things and realizing what our bodies need.

So I devote an entire chapter [00:35:00] to the body and soul for the child, but also the caregiver, and I make it required reading that you read the caregiver one first. And nobody in a crisis that I have met wants to think about taking care of themselves, but you think about it this way. The only way you're going to be able to show up for that kid, that parent, that person who needs you is if you are a functioning human.

So, finding out the ways to carve out what it is that brings you mental and physical joy is paramount. We were lucky that we had a, for the mental side, we had a support group that offered free parent counseling while your kids did art therapy. It was incredible. So that was sort of built into our structure and we didn't really understand what we were getting into until we went to our first therapy session and went, Oh, we need this.

Because if you're in a partnership or parenting, and certainly if you're dealing with this alone, you need to be able to talk to somebody who can help you through. And there's plenty of free therapy situations in the form of support groups. So [00:36:00] that was incredible. And we learned that. That we each needed to have some designated time to do with as we wish.

So we coined the phrase tag team parenting for this. And I know you and your husband show up for that beautifully because there's such a risk for our families to get divorced or to just not like each other when our child doesn't do that. 

Jessica Fein: The vast majority of marriages do not survive this. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: They do not survive.

And we were not interested in that. So with Tag Team Parenting, each parent has equal share of the nasty stuff, be it the hospital visit or administering the drugs or understanding what's happening in the moment so that no one person is saddled with all of that. It's too much for one person to handle.

And then with the self care part of it is we decided to just carve out time for each other in the morning and the evening. So he ended up doing mornings, breakfast, hair braiding. By himself, I had my own morning meditation time and did whatever I needed or wanted to do to get reset. Then I picked the girls up from school and handled the end of the day.

So he did whatever he needed to do. What I advocate for, for our parents [00:37:00] is something physical, something in nature. Something therapeutic, something a spa perhaps, and I give options that are both expensive and free, totally free. It's just, the point is to make a choice, to know what your options are and to make a choice because marathon trauma situations and chronic diagnoses are a marathon and you have to be fit for them.

Jessica Fein: You have to be fit. But you and I, you know, as we said at the beginning, had the good fortune of being in relationships that we had been in for many, many, many years before these tragedies hit and we had a strong partner to go through them with. How can a person who's not in that situation handle it and make sure she finds time for herself or he finds time for himself?

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Absolutely. They have to find their found people. And I even go into, what do you do if you're alone and you just moved into a new town? So you look for the found community. [00:38:00] If you're really desperate to find found community, ask your social worker. Child Life Services is an organization that is in most hospitals that love to come and help you while you're inpatient.

If you've moved into a new neighborhood, there's always that neighbor who's like, what's going on? Can I help you? And even that is actually, you can, yes, you can. Can you feed the dog this whole week? Yeah, but 

Jessica Fein: actually, I mean, we're joking, but start saying yes. Like you said earlier, we're so used to saying no, no, no, I got this.

I got this. This is when you say yes. Yes, you can help me. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: In particular, when you're dealing with by yourself. So everything is a yes. And you'll be shocked, you alluded to this earlier, the people who show up are not necessarily the ones you expect. And so that ability to get over yourself and go, yeah, you know what, it'd be amazing if you could take the mail in and feed the dog this whole week while we're in the hospital.

Got it. People want to help. They just don't know how. 

Jessica Fein: Yeah. Like I said, there's so many amazing lessons here that I really think can be extrapolated for a lot of different situations, but you learned so much about how [00:39:00] to cope, how to survive, how to adjust during this time, and then went on to have many, many, many years of more quote, unquote, typical parenting.

And I got to imagine that what you went through really informed your parenting philosophy. Moving forward, how did it change how you parented? 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Yeah, it's funny. I love the title of your podcast. My husband said this morning, that's tongue in cheek, right? I'm like, well, yes, of course it is. How many times do we hear that?

Because we never get something, you know, like this happening to us, and we aren't stronger, better, or anything because we went through it. But if we are open hearted, We can learn from it and become better. And I think the biggest thing for me was a sense of perspective of what really was shit going down and what really wasn't and what really didn't matter in life.

It probably informed me as, and I'm curious about you too. As my kids have gotten older and, you know, what do I really want to engage with them as far as a [00:40:00] problem versus like, it's a life lesson. What did I see on Instagram that I didn't quite want to see on Instagram? You know what? It's okay. They're going to be fine.

Jessica Fein: Yeah, we can let that one go. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: You're going to let that one go. So just that sense of perspective, that sense of agency, that kids want a choice in uncontrollable situations, especially a high school kid. Everything's defined for them. That sense of what do you have ownership and what can you control. Our aim has always been, gosh, we really want these kids to like us when they're, get old, when they're not ours.

I think that was the bottom line was, whoa, what's the big picture here with parenting? You know what the big picture is? We want to be this tight, loving, intact family, even after having gone through all of this. That was the goal. So everything else kind of fell into place. 

Jessica Fein: Oh, I love that. All right. For people who are listening, who are at the start of this journey, maybe they just got a diagnosis, what is the single most important piece of, well, of course we know it's by the book.

Beyond that, what is the single most important piece of advice you want people to [00:41:00] hear? Because a lot of people listening maybe are just starting to go through something. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Oh, gosh. Well, first of all, I just want to give you all a giant hug. Second of all, know that you are surrounded by really smart, intelligent people who know what your child is going through and are here to help them survive this thing.

What you can do is focus on your child. And our oncologist, Dr. Gary Dahl said that in the book. And when I spoke to him a couple of years ago, it's like, you know, I just want parents to know that they can trust that, especially in the early months. We've got them. Just remember your kid is still a kid and to have fun with them, even when they're having nasty things done.

Giggle, cuddle, love, tickle, hug each other, and remember the siblings. 

Jessica Fein: We had a guest on, James Robinson, who talked about that partnership with the doctors and remembering that, you know, you're the parent and so you still want to do those parents kind of things. You don't want it to all be about the medical side of things.

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: No. And I think depending on the age to be mindful of how much you share, [00:42:00] it's important that your child not see your trauma unless it's absolutely necessary. You want them strong, strong enough to fight whatever it is that they're fighting. Okay. And if they see you falling apart constantly, they're not able to do that because they're thinking, what the hell's going on with me and, and what's wrong with mom and dad.

So save it. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm saying find that special place where you can lose it and that special person you could lose it with. And be mindful of the words you use around your child, especially in the beginning, because you want them even from the start to feel empowered. 

Jessica Fein: That's great advice.

And I will say if you are in it for the long haul, and one of the things that I've talked about a lot is, since siblings is such a big theme in your book and for both of us in our actual lives, is remembering to bring the siblings along with you. So I think that there is a time and place and age where you want to have that strong front, where you want to make sure you're behind closed doors when you let it out.

But again, when it's over the long [00:43:00] haul, You want to be bringing them along with you so that you are also showing this is scary, you know, and, and that's okay. Like we can feel scared, right? And so figuring out that balance can be tricky. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: And I would imagine your family was very much a part of Dalia's care and love and all of it.

Jessica Fein: Yeah. But I will tell you, we could have used a book like this, even though it wasn't cancer. There is so much again. I'm telling you, people, if you are dealing with a diagnosis and if it's a long haul kind of thing, there is great wisdom here. So I'm really glad that this book is out in the world now.

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: Thank you. 

Jessica Fein: Thank you. And thank you for coming on the show. Good to see you. 

Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree: You too. 

Jessica Fein: Here are my takeaways from the conversation with Laura. Number one, know your stuff better than anyone else. Knowledge is the most powerful tool for advocacy. Number two, focus on what you need to know and what you need to do right now.

Separate the immediate concerns from things that can wait so you don't get overwhelmed. Number three, create a new normal that works for your family. [00:44:00] Establish routines that make difficult procedures, appointments, and other tough stuff more predictable and less traumatic. Number four, find your positive.

This isn't about toxic positivity. It's about intentionally seeking glimmers of hope. Number five. Do not be a hero. Ask for and accept help. Tag team, lean on friends and be specific about what you need. Say yes when someone offers help. Number six, carve out time for self care. Remember, you cannot show up for others if you're not functioning yourself.

Even 15 minutes of something physical, therapeutic, or in nature can make a big difference. Number seven, don't ask, just do when you want to support somebody in crisis. Skip the let me know if you need anything. and instead just show up with coffee, offer to watch the siblings, or drop off a meal. Thanks so much for listening.

I hope you'll take a minute to rate, review, and subscribe to the show. This way you will not miss an episode and other people will have an easier [00:45:00] time finding the show. Also, if you haven't yet read my memoir, Breath Taking: A Memoir of Family, Dreams, and Broken Genes, you can get it wherever you love to get books in whatever format you like.

Have a great day. Talk to you next time. 

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