S3 E33: This week on the DL: Co-Parenting with a Narcissist – Why Going No Contact Is Non-Negotiable (Bitch is a Bad Word, Pt. 2)

Leaving a toxic relationship doesn’t always mean the abuse ends. In this episode, Lindsay Abernathy — host of Bitch is a Bad Word — breaks down what post-separation abuse really looks like and how to deal with it. From co-parenting with a narcissist to dealing with constant messages, she shares real stories and strategies that help you stay grounded.

Lindsay opens up about her own experience in family court, why no-contact boundaries are a game changer, and what she’s doing to build a safe space for women through her podcast and community.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Amanda Silver: I'm Alex Howard. And I'm Amanda Supper. And this is dirty Laundry.

[00:00:11] Lindsay Abernathy: We don't need to ask for a divorce. Mm-hmm. Like, no. Yeah. I'm leaving you. I am getting a divorce. Yeah. Thank you very much. Yeah, 

[00:00:20] Alex Howard: yeah. Stop asking. Asking for anything. Just start telling. Yeah, just start demanding what you need, what you're worth. Right. I mean, we are so. Silenced. As women, we are, we, oh we are hopeful.

[00:00:33] Alex Howard: We are these like optimists that are on a mission to change all of the men and make up for their childhood trauma and the fact that they can't share emotions 'cause they're socially conditioned to not well like fuck off, grow up. Mm-hmm. Read a book, like get a therapist. Enough is enough. Yeah. And so.

[00:00:50] Alex Howard: Yeah, we have to, we have to stand up and support one another and be someone's safety plan and like just an FYI to those listening. Call me any day of the week and I will be your safety plan. Like the people need to be supporting one another instead of shame it. Instead of going, oh, well what about the kids?

[00:01:09] Alex Howard: Like, fuck that narrative. How can I help? How can I be there for you? What do you need? 

[00:01:14] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. And we gotta start just like, why, why don't we just again, start believing people? Mm-hmm. And if I'd rather like lean into someone's like, and believe them and be wrong. 'cause that percentage is gonna be very low than the other way around.

[00:01:28] Lindsay Abernathy: Exactly. So. You've got women that are in these situations and I mean, people reach out to us on our shows and it's bonkers how similar all of these perpetrators are. Yeah, it is. It's, I don't know what, like it's chilly dirty mag that they're passing around with the playbook. Playbook of how the fuck people 

[00:01:47] Amanda Silver: and the person that they're with is also similar.

[00:01:50] Amanda Silver: You've got a very empathic, you know, I can fix him or them type of person. And, and then it, it just, it's the same playbook. It is over and over and over and over again. 

[00:02:02] Lindsay Abernathy: And they want to, 'cause I just was like, I don't, how did I miss this? Like, I'm a smart woman. Mm-hmm. How did I, like, what the hell? But what you realize is that somebody who has this personality, you know, like pathological person, right?

[00:02:16] Lindsay Abernathy: So a pathological person's gonna look. Two, somebody that's empathic or you know, and maybe has like a, you know, a messy story mm-hmm. Where you're easily manipulated because you know, whatever they tell you and that like when they're Prince Charming and whatever, you're like, oh, this sounds really good.

[00:02:37] Lindsay Abernathy: You share vulnerable parts of your life with them and they're like, oh yes, I totally get it. I understand. Oh my God, I've been there like. We're just vibing and you're my soulmate. And this is all happening like in the first like 48 hours. Yeah. They become a 

[00:02:49] Amanda Silver: mirror. They become a mirror for you in your Yes.

[00:02:52] Amanda Silver: Yeah. 

[00:02:53] Lindsay Abernathy: Mm-hmm. And then, but be careful ladies, because they're putting all that shit in their narc vault. Yeah. And they're gonna, oh god. They're gonna use it later. They are weaponizing all of your traumas to, uh, and so then when you're in that, when they, they love you. 'cause they devalue, they like value all the cool shit.

[00:03:14] Lindsay Abernathy: I was the coolest chick. Oh, I'm an actor. You're so fucking cool. And then you're like, ew. Ew, you're an actor. Like, Ew, that is gross. It's not a real job. And you're like, yeah, wait, like you really thought I was awesome before now, or you don't. That's part of the play, right? So then you're in discard. You're in this cycle.

[00:03:31] Lindsay Abernathy: You're in mind fucking, and then you're like, well, um. Okay, how do I get them back to loving me again? Right. Yeah. So that person that you initially met, who was, who was all the things that you wanted, so you're gonna do the work. Yes. You're not realizing that that's the wrong approach. You're like, how do I quiet myself, make myself better, smaller, quieter, shut the fuck up, be a yes person, do whatever they want, because clearly this is a me problem.

[00:03:58] Alex Howard: Mm-hmm. 

[00:03:59] Lindsay Abernathy: And. It's not, it's a them problem, but they're done a very good job of convincing you otherwise. Yeah. So you start, you, you start shedding all of like your armor. Yeah. The things that make you sort of have your power and you give it all to them just so that you can have that love piece again and get them back and they'll show it to you.

[00:04:19] Lindsay Abernathy: And we say like, the cycle of abuse can be a week, two weeks, years. I mean, they don't, it's not like it happens every single second. Yeah. That's a long, so. You can, you can like, oh wow. We just had a really great, like, I can't say a year because of there's like too many holidays within a year and like narcissists will love to fuck up a good holiday.

[00:04:39] Lindsay Abernathy: So holiday, so like, yeah, it's at least like a 

[00:04:40] Amanda Silver: qua. You can just get through like a good quarter or a vacation or something. Like you go on vacation. Oh yeah, yeah. You know, the narcissist on vacation is very different than the narcissist at home. Right. And so yeah, you have sort of little spurts of like that old person that you see again.

[00:04:55] Amanda Silver: But never existed. A toxic 

[00:04:57] Lindsay Abernathy: person is a horrible vacation partner, just so you know. It's like they love to spend good money to fuck up a Yeah. Great time in a location where you're fucked. Yeah, exactly. Where then you have even less resources. Yeah, exactly. 

[00:05:08] Alex Howard: Than you did at home. Yeah, 

[00:05:10] Amanda Silver: yeah. Now you're displaced or take you out of your comfort and your safety and Yeah.

[00:05:14] Amanda Silver: But also I think that as you're talking, I'm, I'm thinking about. Women who, just who, who have children and who it feels like that is the, A lot of the trigger is when you're in your sort of childbearing sort of years. Yeah. Where you're the most vulnerable, or maybe you were like high powered, you were working, you were an actor, you had all these things going for you, and you had your own power and your own money.

[00:05:35] Amanda Silver: And then naturally you're home with kids because that's sort of the cycle of the life cycle. And that is when things go to hell. Mm-hmm. Because you are totally powerless, trapped. Yeah. Yeah. And I 

[00:05:48] Lindsay Abernathy: hear a lot of women tell the similar story that like the, the children were not a plan. Yeah. It just like all happened very fast.

[00:05:55] Lindsay Abernathy: And now we're having kids and maybe we were talking like one lady was like, we had a full like long conversation about never having kids and then the next thing I know I'm pregnant. Wow. And you're like, well that's like the ultimate trap, right? Yeah. And I like with the love. We all love our children.

[00:06:11] Lindsay Abernathy: That's not that they're not the trap, but like Yeah, of course you are now connected forever to this person. Yes. And so the why we know this post-separation abuse is real is because if you have kids together, they're still gonna do everything they can for that power and control over you. Yeah. So, and they're gonna use the kids as the proxy.

[00:06:30] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. 

[00:06:30] Alex Howard: Yeah. 

[00:06:31] Lindsay Abernathy: And that's the unfortunate part. You feel like that's the helpless part and like I love to share that dirty laundry part of it because. To the women that are like listening, going, oh, it'll get better when I'm on the other side. It's not gonna be easier necessarily. It's gonna be safer. Yeah. And then you're gonna have to do all the other work to make it better in your life better and like mm-hmm.

[00:06:55] Lindsay Abernathy: You know, heal yourself. But to, to say like, the hope and this, it's gonna be so great. No, fucking not, it's not, it's gonna be hard as shit. You're gonna suffer more, but you're gonna be safe. But it's worth it. It's worth it in the edge. It isn't in the, but let's not sugar coat play in the long game. Yes. You know, 10, 

[00:07:13] Amanda Silver: 10, 20 years from now, you'll be happy that you made that decision.

[00:07:17] Amanda Silver: Yeah. But you're in for a really rough time. It's cool battle for sure. It's a real battle for sure. And that's what I like. You, 

[00:07:23] Alex Howard: you're, you're straight up and you're honest. This is gonna be really hard. It's not Pollyanna like you leave and everything's gonna be great. 

[00:07:29] Amanda Silver: No, it's quite the opposite. Yeah. But but you don't have No, and you have to like 

[00:07:33] Lindsay Abernathy: do things like I'm taking my learned experience and I'm in this, like I have young kids.

[00:07:38] Lindsay Abernathy: I am like, I am going to court tomorrow to fight. Um, a contempt charge for a restraining order that was built on a lie that didn't get granted in the end. But I have to, I'm like, well, why do I have to, there was no, there's no s what the fuck? But I have to go tomorrow. And thats like, that's the reality, right?

[00:07:57] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. So I'm gonna go tomorrow and I have to be prepared and I like, I'm gonna be re-traumatized. Yeah. And I have this like pin in my stomach that I have to sit in front of a judge and like hope to God that he sees, you know it for what it is. Yeah. But that's the reality, right? So what I'm doing in my, like with bitch is a bad word, is taking my experience and saying, okay, this is what I would do.

[00:08:20] Lindsay Abernathy: This is your bestie toolkit that we're giving you these tools in your toolkit to say no contact is fucking important. 

[00:08:28] Alex Howard: Yeah. 

[00:08:28] Lindsay Abernathy: I have now, and I wish I had done it at the beginning. I put life 360 on my own self. Hmm. Like. So that I can say to a court, I was never like, here's how like I, because I, I live honestly.

[00:08:40] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. So I'm like, here's all the places. I was like, there's not possible that I was ever there. You have nothing to hide. Yeah. Yeah. I have cameras around my house. Like, these are the things like, and it sounds like, holy shit, this is kind of nuts, but you need to protect yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Because if you're in a battle and you know, if you're fighting something in court with them, with this kind of person.

[00:09:02] Lindsay Abernathy: They are relentless. Mm-hmm. And they have, they, whatever, chip or something, I don't know what it is that they're missing, that they can just do this forever and ever and never feel like they're running out of power. Like to steam. 

[00:09:16] Alex Howard: Yeah. 

[00:09:17] Lindsay Abernathy: Um, and you don't have that because like, you're a per, like a, not a socio, socio pathological person.

[00:09:23] Amanda Silver: You just wanna move on with your life and live a sort of normal life. Unbothered. Yeah. But this is, this gives them reason to get up in the morning. It does. So I just like 

[00:09:33] Lindsay Abernathy: always say, listen, don't do it. Don't like, don't fall into the trap. Yeah. Go no contact, use, use a parenting app. Use, you know, the things that you think are were, if you were in a relationship with this person, you walked on eggshells, and then you were always very quick to respond when they finally gave you something to respond to.

[00:09:53] Lindsay Abernathy: Whether it was like a question, attention, whatever. So we are conditioned to, like, when that message goes off, you're like, ping. Oh my God, I gotta answer it. Mm-hmm. And I gotta respond right now. Yeah. And I, and, and you know, they're like very calculated. Like I look on my thing, I'm like, oh, it's amazing. I always get emails at eight o'clock on my parenting time.

[00:10:11] Alex Howard: Right. 

[00:10:12] Lindsay Abernathy: That's not like by accident. No. 

[00:10:14] Amanda Silver: Right. They know you're just settling into story time with your kids and it's supposed to be a special time and boom. 

[00:10:20] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:10:21] Amanda Silver: Here you go. Here's something to chew on. 

[00:10:23] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. And they're like. Why is this important now? Okay, so it's not, but it's important to them that they fuck around with your time.

[00:10:31] Lindsay Abernathy: And so you start realizing like, the more, every time I get, I built a boundary and then I remove the boundary because I thought it was better for the kids. Mm. I got fucked. Mm-hmm. 

[00:10:40] Alex Howard: So it's 

[00:10:40] Lindsay Abernathy: like put the boundaries back up. Hey, listen. 

[00:10:43] Alex Howard: Yeah. 

[00:10:43] Lindsay Abernathy: Anything you need to talk to me about non-emergency can go on an app.

[00:10:47] Lindsay Abernathy: That I can decide to look at whenever I wanna look at it. Mm-hmm. And going back to like what you guys do and which I wish I would've done. Your parenting plan is your fucking Bible. Yes. Mm-hmm. And you get to like, please make sure that parenting plan covers everything possible. Yeah, yeah. Like down to like the mouth guard.

[00:11:09] Lindsay Abernathy: They're gonna need flag football, whatever. It's, and who's paying 

[00:11:13] Alex Howard: for it? 

[00:11:14] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. For the next. Let's go 21. Like let's go through university because this is the only thing that the judge cares about. Yeah. So all the other ancillary things that like make, if it's not in the parenting plan, you can't really argue it in court.

[00:11:30] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. And for a long time I didn't realize that. Mm-hmm. So then I'd be like back and forth in court like a couple times a month fighting for shit that didn't make any sense. Then he'd be like the judge. Parenting plan. Parenting plan, parenting plan. And it finally settled that in. Where I'm going, hold on, hold on.

[00:11:47] Lindsay Abernathy: Every single time they send me something and they're gonna find something new to like make you look like you're an asshole about like not agreeing to, you just have to go. Is it in the parenting plan? Because that's the only like, and now I go, fine, take me to court. Right. I don't fucking care. Yep. You wanna make an argument about something that is not in here, then there's a procedure.

[00:12:08] Lindsay Abernathy: We're gonna have to go to family court services. We're gonna have to like, it's not just, the judge is gonna say like, I agree with you. If they're gonna make you do the work and in California you can only go to family court services once a year. 

[00:12:23] Amanda Silver: Oh, wow. 

[00:12:24] Lindsay Abernathy: I like that. Limited access. 

[00:12:26] Amanda Silver: Is that purchase like a, is that like non-emergency type of thing?

[00:12:29] Amanda Silver: Like just your regular Yeah, so if you want, if you need, if you're in high 

[00:12:32] Lindsay Abernathy: conflict. Yeah. Um. Then, and you need family court services to be involved, then you each have one time a year. Interesting to sit with family court services and make changes that you could, I mean, you can change your parenting plan if you have like a reasonable person agreeing to all the shit anytime you want and file it.

[00:12:56] Alex Howard: You know what I love about you, Lindsay, is listening to your journey. It was like. I had these friends that I wanted to share stuff with and I was silenced, and then I was in this relationship and I was silenced some more, and then I was trying to figure out how to parent and I was silenced some more.

[00:13:12] Alex Howard: And it's constantly sort of going against what you knew, your intuition of wanting to speak out of, wanting to, you know, use your voice fast forward. Here we are today, and you have this platform now you have created a place where you use your voice day in and day out. It's this like, I will not be silenced anymore.

[00:13:33] Alex Howard: And I just love that liberation because yeah, you have been through this and you, your, your sort of empathy to wanting to make things right in your relationship has now sort of switched gears into wanting to make it right for so many others that are going through it. And I just think that is the kind of service.

[00:13:54] Alex Howard: That empaths need to be doing. Right. Not fixing these Yes. Apathetic broken men, but rather use your 

[00:14:00] Amanda Silver: powers for good. Yeah. Right. And not on these hopeless 

[00:14:05] Alex Howard: men. Exactly. And like, fuck that lawyer that told you not to speak out about your dv. Yeah. Like fuck all of these people that were silencing you. And it's, I'm just.

[00:14:14] Alex Howard: Switching gears now to the pod. 'cause I think it's so impressive what you have done. And the courage and the tenacity to stand up and go no more. And I'm gonna just, you know, raise the boat for everybody else with me alongside. And I just love that. I think it's so incredible. So tell us a little bit about the pod quickly.

[00:14:31] Alex Howard: 'cause we've taken up a lot of your time as we love to. Do we get to chatting? Oh no, that's okay. I 

[00:14:35] Lindsay Abernathy: blocked out. I was like. This is gonna go long, guys. Yeah. It might be a two-parter. 

[00:14:40] Amanda Silver: You might be, you 

[00:14:41] Lindsay Abernathy: might be a two-parter on three laundry. Yeah. I went on a show and it ended up, we had such a good time. I went on when Dating Herz with Bill Mitchell.

[00:14:47] Lindsay Abernathy: Oh. And it ended up being like a three parter because we were, and then I had him on my show. Oh my God. He's, I love when that happened. Yeah. That's the synergies. Yeah, the synergies. Were talking 

[00:14:57] Amanda Silver: the synergies earlier, 

[00:14:58] Lindsay Abernathy: but yeah. So your, so your pod bitch is a bad word. Bitch is a bad word. Um, yeah. So it, um, it's taken on a life of its own.

[00:15:07] Lindsay Abernathy: It was like initially intended to be one thing. And then, um, our producer was like, could you make this a pug? Like, I wanna, I wanted to share my story in some way. 

[00:15:16] Alex Howard: Okay. 

[00:15:16] Lindsay Abernathy: Um, and, but do it like under the guise of fiction. Mm-hmm. And then she's like, okay, well the, like, you know, landscape has changed in Hollywood.

[00:15:25] Lindsay Abernathy: Could we do, could you make this a podcast? And so I didn't really know what that. Meant, and I didn't understand like the responsibility that I would have after, you know, getting out there and then really being the voice for the voiceless. Mm-hmm. It sort of grew. I mean, we've been on air for two months.

[00:15:44] Lindsay Abernathy: We've, like, we were an Apple new and noteworthy podcast like we are. People care about the topic, right? Yes. And, um, but so do the other people on the other side. That fair? You all hate mail, love eyes on you, but you know what, as long as people are talking. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. We're like, okay. Um, you know, uh, so on the show we, we kind of felt like.

[00:16:08] Lindsay Abernathy: At the beginning, I, we have a responsibility to tell our story, and that was a very dangerous feeling. And it did come, like, it's, you know, you, your, the exes try to silence you and you're like, well, I'm not mentioning any names. If this bothers you, don't listen to it. It's like, I, it's freedom of speech, but it's also like, for a long time I was.

[00:16:29] Lindsay Abernathy: Really, like I'd get a message and they were like, shut it down. I can't believe that we'd go to court and you know, family court. I'm like, well this isn't a family court like decision. Right. Anyway, like family court, like I'm not doing anything illegal and you know, like this is my I my job and. I have a First Amendment protection.

[00:16:48] Lindsay Abernathy: And you know what, like this is a matter of great public importance. Yeah. And I believe that domestic abuse is an epidemic of our, like the greatest epidemic that our generation is experiencing. And we need to talk about it. Yeah. For people to de-stigmatize it. Mm-hmm. And really like bring it to a new generation.

[00:17:12] Lindsay Abernathy: I feel like you look at these. Like, God bless, like all of the DV shelters and every, like, they're doing the best that they can. 

[00:17:19] Alex Howard: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:17:20] Lindsay Abernathy: And we fully support that, but there's like, that's not always the option, right? Yeah. They're, they're full and there's like, there's caveats to getting into a domestic violence shelter and Yeah.

[00:17:29] Lindsay Abernathy: For me, I always like say I was like a very wealthy woman. I not gonna drive my Range Rover into a shelter. I'm not, I can't do it. Yeah. I'm like that. I'm, I'm donating to these places. Yeah. Right. I can't be taking the services that somebody else needs more than I do. I needed that shelter though. Yeah. I mean, that's the reality.

[00:17:47] Lindsay Abernathy: But I wasn't quite there. So when this show like has grown, we're saying, you know, we need to, it's like antiquated. The information is antiquated. A domestically abused woman doesn't just have like bruises on her face. Right. And you know, it's like. Her husband's just come home and like cracked open a Budweiser and started beating the shit out of her 'cause he had a bad day at work.

[00:18:09] Lindsay Abernathy: That's not like what abuse looks like all the time. 

[00:18:12] Alex Howard: Yeah, yeah. 

[00:18:13] Lindsay Abernathy: Abuse looks like being coercively controlled into things that you don't wanna do. Financially restricted and controlled in ways that you don't wanna be controlled and bad words. That's the ethos of our show. Bad words. They're not just bad words.

[00:18:29] Lindsay Abernathy: It's abuse. Yes. Someone constantly coming at you, calling you. I've been called a cunt more times than I could ever express. I hate that word. I've called a bitch. I've been called, I mean, so many awful things. And there was for years. This like whatever. I just like, I didn't mean it, I just, you're so sensitive.

[00:18:49] Lindsay Abernathy: Like why'd you, I just say shit like. No, actually that's verbal abuse. Mm-hmm. And that is so hard to deal with. And I would almost say because I've experienced both, the verbal abuse stays with you forever. Mm. And you really have to work on yourself to not feel like you're the thing that the person is calling you.

[00:19:10] Lindsay Abernathy: And so, coming on the show and making bitch is a bad word. Was like, I want it to be fresh. I want it to have lightness. I want there to be like, there, we need to laugh because Yeah, otherwise, like, it's already dark. Yes, the topic is hard, but to, to make it approachable, to like, Hey, listen, I had all this shit and it was, it was happening to me.

[00:19:31] Lindsay Abernathy: And so if it's happening to me, it's probably gonna happen to you. And the more that we can talk about it and the more people feel like. You know, the person on the other end of this is the, you'll, like, you'll never be able to heal them. Mm-hmm. Your, your job is not to fix them. No, you can't anyways. Even if it was your job.

[00:19:51] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. And like who has time for that shit Anyway.

[00:19:59] Alex Howard: And I think the key of all of this in terms of storytelling, in terms of, you know, podcasts, like both of ours is, so much of the abuse is. Especially in the early days is about that isolation. Yeah. It's cutting you off. And this is the opposite of that. This is saying you're not alone. Yeah. This is happening to so many people around the world, and as we've already alluded to this playbook, like we can all pinpoint what's coming next.

[00:20:25] Alex Howard: Yeah. You are not alone. Come join our community. Don't let this isolation and 

[00:20:30] Amanda Silver: don't feel shame because you're driving the Range Rover and then you have no money in your account. Don't, you know, people are so ashamed, they wanna cover it up. They don't wanna say that they're being financially abused. Right.

[00:20:42] Amanda Silver: And so it's like, you know what? It's, it's enough of that. It's enough of that hiding in, in, in the dark. It's like come out. Stay it for what it is. And um, that's how you get help. Yes. And you can get 

[00:20:53] Alex Howard: help even if you have a Range Rover. Even if you are living in a mansion. Oh, I don't deserve that. You still deserve help.

[00:20:58] Alex Howard: Yes. You deserve help do. And you 

[00:21:00] Lindsay Abernathy: still be abused. My God. You can still be controlled. Oh God, yes. I wanna say like, almost like I live in a very, like, small community and there's a lot of affluence and I would, I look around now with like a different lens going. There's a lot of people still together. Yeah.

[00:21:15] Lindsay Abernathy: Like we don't our. Our community doesn't have like a very distinct 50 50 divorce rate. Mm-hmm. But I know it's bullshit. Yeah. And the more that I find like it's in the very wealthy that like they don't, they don't know how to leave. Yeah. You're not gonna, the country club and being like. Oh, Betsy, last night I just got the ship beat out me.

[00:21:35] Lindsay Abernathy: But like here I am. Like that's not happening. And 'cause you're living this one world, like I've seen, I've seen it all. Right. They wanna keep up 

[00:21:42] Amanda Silver: appearances. Yeah, definitely. And that, definitely that becomes such a focus to the detriment of their happiness. Yeah. They're living in misery, but it's, and it's all a facade.

[00:21:49] Amanda Silver: Yeah. And so many people are living a facade. 

[00:21:52] Lindsay Abernathy: And the fear is real because you're like, you don't know what's you're, you're only listening to one narrative and your abuser's point of view is very skewed and very fucked up and not, and it is not in your best interest ever. So they're telling you things that are probably not true.

[00:22:08] Lindsay Abernathy: So I love what you guys are doing. Like, I love, like putting on the show like. Bringing banding people together to say, listen, if you're listening right now, why don't you give a mediator a call? Mm-hmm. Like, it's not like nobody has to know about it. Yeah. We're trying to figure out ways, like we're on, we have two shows right now.

[00:22:28] Lindsay Abernathy: We have, bitch is a Bad Word, like the main platform, and then we have a bitch that we mm-hmm. We're inviting women to come on anonymously if they want to share their stories, but we can also pass resources along. Yes. Yeah. A little bit more anonymously that way. And we're also. Starting a Patreon, um, it's patreon.com/bitch is a bad word.

[00:22:48] Lindsay Abernathy: And on there we have like three different tiers, but we can, you can gift a Patreon membership. Oh, I love that. Ab bestie as we call our listeners. So if they're being financially controlled or monitored and they can come into this very safe environment, we vet, um, anybody who joins as well, you have to give a driver's license.

[00:23:07] Lindsay Abernathy: Amazing. We. It's safe for you and we're building a community over there where hopefully women can share resources. 

[00:23:15] Alex Howard: Yeah. 

[00:23:16] Lindsay Abernathy: Feel seen, heard, safe, loved, and get, get to a point. And get to a, you know, a place where they can si like very covertly. Rebuild their power. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's what someone's done to you.

[00:23:31] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. All they've done, they haven't, at your core, who you are. Has not, is not gone. No. But they've just like stripped it from you and if you have no power, then they have all the control. And that's just, anytime there's an imbalance of one of those things, you're Yeah. Setting yourself up to be victimized.

[00:23:50] Alex Howard: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:23:50] Lindsay Abernathy: So we like build this community. And it's just sort of like growing like organically. Like every week I, I'm like, what can we do today? Like, what can I fuck around with? I love that. Make better love. I love that you're giving people a place, 

[00:24:05] Amanda Silver: a safe place to go that they don't feel alone. Because so many people who are listening, they, they feel like they're the only ones who are going through this.

[00:24:15] Amanda Silver: And that's such a big part of what we do, is to try and make people realize that you are not alone and you can get support.

[00:24:26] Lindsay Abernathy: We have a segment called Textes from the xds, and we read text messages from. The exes, testes and they are haunting 

[00:24:38] Amanda Silver: me. I, I love it. Do you wanna read one today? Do you have any on hand? Ooh, do you wanna read a text from Xie? Do it. I can read a text from Oh, we would love that. Okay. I'll read. Do us the honor and please read us a text from the exes test cheese.

[00:24:53] Lindsay Abernathy: So what's crazy is that these, all these people, and we ha and so I read them 

[00:24:59] Amanda Silver: Yeah. Every episode and 

[00:25:00] Lindsay Abernathy: we don't see. Yeah. Uh, every episode on bitch is a bad word. 

[00:25:02] Amanda Silver: Yeah. 

[00:25:03] Lindsay Abernathy: And we are getting people. Who send them to us on, we have a phone line. Three three, one bitches. And you can like, send us a text message or a phone.

[00:25:13] Lindsay Abernathy: We'll answer it. Text, yeah. We'll text dirty laundry. Yeah. You guys should like text. You should encourage like anybody that's coming through, be like, Hey, if you really wanna vent and get this out, send her your text. I, I'm the client so I'm gonna recommend this too actually 

[00:25:29] Alex Howard: because it's so cathartic. Get this out.

[00:25:31] Alex Howard: Oh, realize how insane. Saying it is, you don't, how you react to it. You don't have to live it alone. It's so validating for others to be like, what? That's so messed up. And you're like, yes, my intuition was right. It's messed up. 

[00:25:43] Lindsay Abernathy: It is. It's okay. So I'm gonna read you, um, two and like you would have to decide.

[00:25:50] Lindsay Abernathy: If they came from the same person. Oh. Or not, it's 

[00:25:55] Alex Howard: like a game show. Um, do we have a buzzer? Need a buzzer? Like 

[00:25:58] Amanda Silver: we need like a hot pink button? Yeah. Note to self. 

[00:26:04] Text: How does it look? You like it. Super cuss, you're a loser. Fuck off. Don't waste my time. I just said, I think you might be drinking too much LOL cunt.

[00:26:12] Text: And I say, I'm here to help you get help. I'm happier than I've been in years, cunt. You're the one that needs help. I said, the way you speak to me is disgusting. And he said, it's truth hard to hear for people like you. You're a pussy. You pretend you're not. Weakest woman I've ever been with. If you were ugly, you'd be dead.

[00:26:28] Text: Let that sink in. You need to get a job. When you do, then you'll begin to relate to people like me. Until then, shut your mouth because your opinion means nothing. You're just a leach. Your thoughts are just about you and you're gross. No one cares except you learn to give. 

[00:26:43] Alex Howard: Oh my god. 

[00:26:46] Amanda Silver: There's some unhappy people out there.

[00:26:49] Amanda Silver: That was cute. Yeah. Um, and then you gotta get the rat. Wow. Wow. Wow. You should trademark that hat. Yeah, I know. No, seriously, it's going get asterisk in the for the you and just like send us the hat. I'll wear the hat. The top. Yeah, I'll wear it. I'll wear it proudly. You wear it proudly. I would wear it so proudly.

[00:27:10] Amanda Silver: Yeah. Which I'll be hot pink. Yeah, 

[00:27:11] Lindsay Abernathy: no, you need to. Wow. And then I'm gonna read you one that just like popped into the dms trailer park. White trash cunt comes to the San Diego Zoo to Jerry Springer. This motherfucker out of with shitty fucking attitudes and being an absolute cunt to her husband before we even get out of the parking lot, and you and your dad can go fuck yourselves.

[00:27:34] Lindsay Abernathy: I get to be accounted for if you want me to pay. If you don't want me to have input, you can pay your own fucking way and get a fucking divorce. While you're at it, you and your fucking daddy can kiss my fucking ass with your trailer park White trash bill. Gohar cult ways you never plan for a good time.

[00:27:51] Lindsay Abernathy: You plan to be a fucking asshole like your dad and tell people what to do, and you ain't gotta lick a common fucking sense. You just wanna be the fucking cunt with instructions. That makes no goddamn sense. I mean like if there's not a playbook, come on. They all sound the same and like it's vitriol.

[00:28:10] Lindsay Abernathy: These are two different people. Yeah, it's wild. Talking to two different women on two different sides of the country. I have to say 

[00:28:18] Alex Howard: wild. So much hate, so much anger. And yet was there ever love, like was there ever, oh, this is my partner, this is who I'm courting, this is who I wanna say sweet nothings to, to then flip the script to.

[00:28:33] Alex Howard: Like I said, that's not real 

[00:28:34] Amanda Silver: love. It's maybe infatuation and lust and passion. Well, or it's just manipulation to get ultimately what you want people, I think if you can, if you these people, I am gonna brush them together. Yeah. If they can flip that switch into such vile hatred towards their spouse. You gotta, you, it was never real love in the beginning.

[00:28:55] Amanda Silver: Yeah. For what? In the true sense of the word. 

[00:28:57] Alex Howard: Well, and, and it does go back to like the actual disorder, personality disorder, whereby I don't think that there is a capacity for love full stop. Right. Whether it's yourself, whether it's your partner, whether it's your children. I don't know that there is the capacity for that.

[00:29:14] Alex Howard: So I think really if you are up against this kind of person through your separation, through co-parenting, having a. Understanding about what you are actually dealing with, the kind of personality that you're, that you're up against. Because you know, I have clients that are like, well, just like, why won't they, you know, accept this offer.

[00:29:33] Alex Howard: Your offer is very reasonable. They are not. They're never going to negotiate. They cannot like really understanding their limitations, that you're not negotiating with a rational human. No. You're dealing with only somebody, and it only 

[00:29:47] Lindsay Abernathy: takes one person to create the high conflict situations. Yes. Yes. And I really like to say that a lot because I felt this way.

[00:29:55] Lindsay Abernathy: I'm like. They're like, oh, they're high conflict, or, that's an abusive, really, or they, they, now I've realized it only takes, it doesn't always take two to tangle. No, it, it sometimes it's like it is. We say like these types of pathological people. Mm-hmm. These people, 

[00:30:12] Alex Howard: yeah. 

[00:30:12] Lindsay Abernathy: They like to create unsolvable problems.

[00:30:15] Lindsay Abernathy: Yes. And if you look at it from that perspective and you're like, everything you offer is reasonable. If the more reasonable it is, the more they wanna push back and not agree to it. Yeah. Just for the fucking sake of it. Sake of it. And you're like, okay. Understanding that. This is a negative sum game for you.

[00:30:33] Lindsay Abernathy: Yes. So like if you can give up some of the shit, like if it, whatever it is. Yeah. If it's like sit with yourself and be like, what am I willing? Yeah. Like what's the price of peace? Mm-hmm. And I say that and I don't say it lightly because like you need to eat and you need to be able to put a roof over your head.

[00:30:49] Lindsay Abernathy: Like all there is like core, basic human necessities. But they wanna keep you from those. Yeah, just remember that. So it's like how do you, how do you protect yourself? Going back to that parenting plan, going back to the negotiations, but these pathological people, when you come to the realization and the understanding that they don't love themselves, I.

[00:31:10] Lindsay Abernathy: That's it. So there's nothing more you need to know. Yeah. They come, they operate from a great deep sense of shame. Mm-hmm. And when you read a textie from an XD like that, that is a shame filled person. Yeah. That is a person who feels that way about themselves. Yeah. And whatever this checked did at the zoo, I mean, what can you do really wrong at the fucking zoo?

[00:31:30] Lindsay Abernathy: Like I, you know, nothing like, I don't know. So, but they'll find something. Yeah. And that's like their entire goal is to create an environment that makes you feel like the crazy person. Yeah. And that you're the, you're the wrong, they are just. Not loving themselves. Yeah. Yeah. And they can't And who knows?

[00:31:49] Lindsay Abernathy: And you, we ain't got time for that. And it's not your job. Yeah. It's not your job. So like they're never going to come to the table with you. They're never Yeah. Go like, and, and sorry, I always are like, this is the reference. They're a snake in the basket. Mm. The second you think everything's good, put your fucking big girl bands on.

[00:32:06] Lindsay Abernathy: 'cause they're about to take you for a ride. Yeah. And something's like, anytime there's silence, I'm like, oh god. You know, something's just way away. The other shoe. Yeah. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. Wait for it. Just brace yourself. Brace yourself. And so, and when you, and the only way that I've learned now, and it's taken me a long fucking time, I still so many times I'm like, why did I answer that?

[00:32:27] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah, why didn't I do this? Like. No contact, we say on the show, DNE. Do not engage. Don't fucking do it. Yeah, it's not worth it there. Um, there's a great resource called Amy says. 

[00:32:41] Alex Howard: Mm oh. And 

[00:32:42] Lindsay Abernathy: Amy says is an AI tool that you can go her, um, like. It's, it doesn't track. So you can go to amy says.com. You can put in all of the messages that they've ever sent you, and she'll respond, this is manipulation, this is coercive, this is this.

[00:32:59] Lindsay Abernathy: And she'll pull all the shit for you and help you generate a response that removes Wow. Like, 

[00:33:06] Amanda Silver: wow. 

[00:33:07] Lindsay Abernathy: All the emotion. Yes. 'cause what they want is to, they want to like elicit a response from you. Yeah. So the less you give them, and I used to, I, I promise you I did this. If you look at my text message, like messages back, I'd be like, but wait, you don't understand.

[00:33:22] Lindsay Abernathy: That's not the way it went. And oh my God, that's not true. Not true. That's just please, please, please, please, like hear me out, hear me out, hear me out, hear me out. Like, fuck, they don't give a fuck. No. Stop. Yeah. So one word, you pull, you break out all this shit, and it's like, what is, what needs to be accomplished here?

[00:33:38] Lindsay Abernathy: Mm-hmm. If it's not about picking up your kids or like some emergency or whatever. A, by the way, don't have to respond. Yep. 

[00:33:47] Alex Howard: And first, like and foremost, you do not have to respond. You don't have to fight every battle you're invited to, right? Never. No, you do not. So 

[00:33:55] Amanda Silver: it's like they'll constantly be inviting you.

[00:33:58] Amanda Silver: It will never end. Yeah. It's not like it's just this one battle. There's another one that they're preparing right after that. Yeah. You gotta stop it. Yeah. 

[00:34:05] Alex Howard: Yeah, 

[00:34:05] Amanda Silver: you can. 

[00:34:06] Lindsay Abernathy: And you like ignoring it. And again, if it's a non-emergency mm-hmm. Then you can sit on it, sit on it for like 24 hours. I just like let it sit there.

[00:34:16] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. Let it like, and like also watch, especially if they're on, if they're hot, if they're like on fire, they're gonna go ballistic and they're gonna fucking send like spew messages one way after way and the other. And if you're, if you play their game properly. You can use that. If they are being nasty and they're sending you all this shit, you can't just email people or text people like you're a fucking kind.

[00:34:41] Lindsay Abernathy: That's abuse. Right. Let's be real harass and if you don't respond to somebody harass. Yeah. And you keep saying, stop, do not like I'm not engaging, don't text me again. And they keep texting you, guess what? You can take that and get a restraining order. Yeah. You need to like start understanding that there's like ways that you can come in like yes, you are not.

[00:35:01] Lindsay Abernathy: Having to be abused any further verbally, textually, that's a word or otherwise. Um, textual, sexual, all the, we, all the actuals. But start understandings. Like you, you have to play in a position of power. They don't wanna in negotiate with you. They don't wanna say yes to you. Their favorite word is no.

[00:35:22] Lindsay Abernathy: Mm-hmm. And their favorite thing to do is to. Create conflict. Yeah. And what they're sadly doing is they're gonna use the kids as pawns. Yeah. And you as an empathic protective mother are gonna have a really hard time with that. But guess what? Your kids need you to be strong. So if you're saying, this comes up in my situation and I'm don't have like the funds to do this, but I fi you figure it out, my kids really wanna play a sport.

[00:35:52] Lindsay Abernathy: Well, guess what? The other parent really loves to make it hard to like pay for the, even though it's in the parenting plan that they have to pay half of it. Are you, they know you're not really gonna go to court file an RFO that gets seen in three months. Yeah. Because the fucking season's already over and spend 

[00:36:08] Amanda Silver: than the, than the cost.

[00:36:09] Amanda Silver: Cost of the actual activity. Yeah. 

[00:36:12] Lindsay Abernathy: So I'm like, okay, if this is important to you and this is important to your kid and you can afford to do it. Do it. 

[00:36:19] Amanda Silver: Yeah. 

[00:36:20] Lindsay Abernathy: Like, you know, hey, I write these texts like, so and so wants to play this sport. They fall on your time. If you don't wanna take 'em on your time, that's fine.

[00:36:29] Lindsay Abernathy: I'm gonna take 'em on my time. Mm-hmm. And. I'm gonna pay for it. Will you please pay me half? Yeah, sure. Send me the receipt, a blood sample, a fucking stool sample, and then perhaps I'll pay for it the other half later and I'm gonna send it pony express, uh, post dated check. And I'm gonna actually write the words wrong, like the number in the box and the number in the field won't match.

[00:36:50] Lindsay Abernathy: So you're fine. Yeah. Like 

[00:36:52] Amanda Silver: understand that, that you work. Maybe that's, they wanna do I'm gonna make you work for that. Yeah, for my, for what? I have to pay. You're gonna work for it? Yeah. You're gonna work. 

[00:36:58] Lindsay Abernathy: Hard. Yeah. 

[00:36:59] Amanda Silver: Hard. 

[00:37:00] Lindsay Abernathy: So make the decision to say, if this is important to myself and to my kid, that I'm just gonna, I'm gonna do it and I'm just gonna submit the expense and I'm gonna pretend like, and understand I'm most likely never gonna get the money.

[00:37:11] Alex Howard: Yeah. 

[00:37:11] Lindsay Abernathy: Because they don't care about not giving you the money. They care about you getting upset about not getting the money. Mm. They want you to elicit Dance, dance monkey a response. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're just like, okay, well I'm doing this. Same with shoes, same with clothes. I'm like, the more conversations you have, like I didn't get the shoes back.

[00:37:26] Lindsay Abernathy: Okay. They know that you can't wear the shoes. They know you can't wear the kids' clothes. They don't care about that. They care about you getting upset. Yeah. That you bought the new shoes and they're sending them back with the old shoes. Just get used to these kind of stupid games. Yeah. And know that like your kids are watching Mm.

[00:37:44] Lindsay Abernathy: And they're watching these responses and I'm like, I guess we're gonna go buy new shoes today. Yeah. Like, we just bought 'em last week, but they're gone like, oh, well yeah. Just get over it. Like, get over these small little things. I, they seem they are, I, I hate to like, I know diminish it, but like I've just spent like spun so many wheels.

[00:38:02] Lindsay Abernathy: Trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person. That's exactly what it is. So that's it. That's just the thing. So like your kid, and if your kid doesn't go to, like, we're not trying to be professional fucking flag football players here, right? They don't go to half the games. They don't go half the games.

[00:38:16] Lindsay Abernathy: Exactly. But you know what? I promise you the parent is going to end up. Doing it because they realize, oh shit, this looks bad on me if I don't bring them to this stuff. Yeah. And like the kid wants to go, and so it'll all sort of work out in the wash. Yeah. But like on your sh the laundry's really fucking dirty.

[00:38:33] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. So just be prepared. Like they're gonna take them to all the doctor's appointments. You're gonna, you're gonna do all the shit you were doing. Right. Um, anyway. And is it worth it? Like, no, it's not like, you know what, because yeah. You just need to be the best version of yourself and give your kid the best experience or give your kids the best experiences that you can provide.

[00:38:55] Lindsay Abernathy: And you can't do that if you're, if you're fighting, I know you think you can, but if you're fighting this, like carrying this mental load to these stupid fucking fights with this person over whatever it's like. They're just joy sucking the time that you're getting with your kids. And that's the goal. Yes.

[00:39:11] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. That's, that's what they're after. Yeah. To ruin your time. You're like, and kids. Yeah. Fuck the shit. Like, oh, we should be sitting side by side. No, actually they don't. Someone told me this and I know, I'm like, paddling on, but like, someone told me about this, about kids. They're like, um, somebody asked if like, should we do a joint birthday party?

[00:39:27] Lindsay Abernathy: Mm. And this woman's like, fuck no. Yeah. Don't do the joint birthday party because. Your child is like, is also wearing a mask. 

[00:39:37] Alex Howard: Mm-hmm. 

[00:39:38] Lindsay Abernathy: And they're one version of themselves with one parent. Yeah. And they're another version of themselves with the other parent. And now when you force that child to be in the same room with all of their friends and everything happening and they know that their last birthday party while you're married got all fucked up.

[00:39:54] Lindsay Abernathy: Yeah. And like they know that these events create stress and trauma. They don't know who to be. Yeah. So like help your kid out and be like, Hey, great dad's. Doing like the best party for you on this weekend. That's awesome. How about we do something together another time? Like the more that you're, you can remove like your children from this fantasy Yeah.

[00:40:16] Lindsay Abernathy: Of like a, they're, you're actually creating more stress for them when you put them in the environment. Mm-hmm. So when you show up for the play, your kid is smart enough to track the, I mean there's only what, a hundred people there like anyway. Yeah. So it's like you can sit here and they can sit there and you're like, Hey buddy.

[00:40:32] Lindsay Abernathy: And you leave. Yeah. Yeah. Like there's, you know, you don't, you don't need to go to pizza after the baseball games. Mm-hmm. Like, you don't need to do all that stuff. You don't need 

[00:40:38] Alex Howard: to 

[00:40:38] Lindsay Abernathy: do 

[00:40:39] Alex Howard: that. In fact, it's probably not in your children's best interest kids. Obvious. Well, and it's funny in that position, I, we went to watch my kids, um, play funny.

[00:40:47] Alex Howard: You should mention. My divorced parents, I'm stuck sitting in between them. And as a 41-year-old woman, I'm like, oh my God, this is the worst fucking thing. It's like, bio dad here, me, mom, stepdad. I'm like, this is my living nightmare. Thankfully the kids, because it's not their trauma, are hunky parents. Yeah.

[00:41:07] Alex Howard: They care less. But I'm sitting there as a grown ass woman going, oh my God, this is my literal nightmare as if I'm sandwiched between these idiots. Like, and 

[00:41:15] Amanda Silver: if you're like seven years old again, so you're 

[00:41:16] Alex Howard: imagining at seven. 

[00:41:18] Amanda Silver: Yeah. Mm-hmm. 

[00:41:18] Alex Howard: It's not ideal. Yeah. It's 

[00:41:19] Amanda Silver: truly not really the way. You're not doing them any favors by being in the same room together.

[00:41:25] Amanda Silver: Yeah. In these situations. Yeah. You're not because it's just they could, they feel that tension. They know, they, they know what Well, and 

[00:41:31] Lindsay Abernathy: you're like, we're all energy. Right. So you're your energy. Like my armpits will be sweating. Yeah. I like. I'm sweating a DI smell different. Tmmi. No, it's sweat. It's coming out.

[00:41:43] Alex Howard: I'm like, oh my God. Like I'm, it's a real fish and the 

[00:41:46] Amanda Silver: kids, they pick up on it. It 'cause they know you so well. They just, they can smell you coming. They know. They can smell. They can smell it. Yeah. Yeah. Little detectives, this has been so amazing, so greatly. I love hearing you speak and really sharing your story.

[00:42:01] Amanda Silver: It's not easy to come on. Yes. Thank you. And share your story, even though I know you do this all the time, but it's. Still, it's one thing when you're talking about other people's stories, but when you're talking about your own, it's, it's totally different. So thank you. Thank you. And everybody 

[00:42:12] Alex Howard: check out bitch is a bad word, which comes out Tuesdays if I recall.

[00:42:16] Alex Howard: Yeah. So we tell us our favorite 

[00:42:18] Lindsay Abernathy: C word. Um, it's my favorite thing. I was like, we have to drop on Tuesdays so that every week I can say, see you next Tuesday. Yeah. 

[00:42:25] Alex Howard: Love 

[00:42:25] Lindsay Abernathy: it. Um, and yeah, join our bestie gang. We have, uh, resources available. On our, um, Instagram page is at Bitch is a Bad Word, pod. If you send us a dm, we're gonna, uh, I'll answer it.

[00:42:39] Lindsay Abernathy: Mm-hmm. Um, or Ben. Ben likes, yeah. We love Ben. Sometimes I'm like. This is a Ben response. He can't wait to jump in there. I'm like, wait, Ben, you can't answer that question. Um, no. He's so, he like, he is so into it. He's like this, like, he really, like, every week he's like, I just learned something like maybe I, I need, I've, I've like, I'm not that bad, but I've learned something.

[00:43:00] Lindsay Abernathy: So we are That's awesome teaching in the men too. Yes. Um, and we know that like I get a lot of heat. Like men are abused too. We know that. Yeah. But this isn't, that's not my show. Yeah. Go get your own, do your own, write your own thing. Show. Yeah. There's a show for you. Dick is a bad word for 

[00:43:15] Alex Howard: you.

[00:43:20] Lindsay Abernathy: Exactly. And like, leave our anatomy alone. Like we, and like you've got your own bad words you can use. Um, but bitch is a bad word. Pod our Patreon and our discord is patreon.com/bitch is a bad word. TikTok YouTube. Bitch is a bad word. Our phone number. Three. Three one. Bitches. Fuck. And like, let's grow this bestie gang.

[00:43:45] Lindsay Abernathy: Yes. And we're here for you. Yeah. 

[00:43:46] Amanda Silver: Wonderful. 

[00:43:47] Lindsay Abernathy: Thank you. Thank you, Lindsay. It's been a real pleasure.

[00:43:56] Amanda Silver: This episode was written and created by Alex, Howard and Amanda Silver produced, edited, and engineered by RTF production. Make sure to rate and review our show if you love it. To give us a follow on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you stream your podcast. Stay up to date on all upcoming episodes.

[00:44:12] Amanda Silver: Thanks for listening and go easy on us. We're not your ex.