The Mind-Body Couple

Holiday Survival Guide For Chronic Pain & Illness

• Tanner Murtagh and Anne Hampson • Episode 134

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The holidays can be filled with joy, but for many living with chronic pain or chronic illness, December brings spikes in symptoms, packed calendars, and pressure to perform happiness. We unpack why this happens through a brain and nervous system lens and share a realistic survival guide you can actually use, even on your busiest days.

We break down how neuroplastic pain and illness amplifies under holiday “danger signals” such as: family conflict or distance, pressure, people pleasing, financial strain, and social or physical exposure. Then we get practical. You’ll learn how to stack safety signals—breathwork, present-moment sensing, qigong, visualization, safe self-talk—in ways that fit your style, whether you prefer scheduled 20-minute practices or quick five-minute resets during gatherings. We also walk through processing dysregulation without suppression, because resisting emotion reliably cranks up pain and symptom sensitivity, while gentle exposure paired with safety calms your system.

Finally, we tackle people pleasing with tools that protect your energy and your relationships. Set boundaries inside your healing window—limit events, simplify gifts, and skip conflict-heavy topics. Practice free expression that’s honest and kind, reducing resentment and easing your nervous system. Lower intensity on purpose: slow your pace, schedule non-negotiable regulation time, and choose fewer traditions to do. 

If you’ve felt trapped between wanting a meaningful holiday season and managing symptoms, this conversation offers a clear route to both. Subscribe, share with someone who needs a calmer holiday, and leave a review to help others discover practical tools for neuroplastic pain and nervous system regulation.

Safety Signal Practice: https://youtu.be/gCMCfPZ7Qr0

Emotion & Dysregulation Practice: https://youtu.be/qJ-dZ1YRFYc

Tanner Murtagh and Anne Hampson are therapists who treat neuroplastic pain and mind-body symptoms. They are also married! In his 20s, Tanner overcame chronic pain and a fibromyalgia diagnosis by learning his symptoms were occurring due to learned brain pathways and nervous system dysregulation. Post-healing, Tanner and Anne have dedicated their lives to developing effective treatment and education for neuroplastic pain and symptoms. Listen and learn how to assess your own chronic pain and symptoms, gain tools to retrain the brain and nervous system, and make gradual changes in your life and health!


The Mind-Body Couple podcast is owned by Pain Psychotherapy Canada Inc. This podcast is produced by Alex Klassen, who is one of the wonderful therapists at our agency in Calgary, Alberta. https://www.painpsychotherapy.ca/


Tanner, Anne, and Alex also run the MBody Community, which is an in-depth online course that provides step-by-step guidance for assessing, treating, and resolving mind-body pain and symptoms. https://www.mbodycommunity.com


Also check out Tanner's YouTube channel for more free education and practices: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-Fl6WaFHnh4ponuexaMbFQ


And follow us for daily education posts on Instagram: @painpsychotherapy


Discl...

SPEAKER_03:

Welcome to the Mind Body Couple podcast. I'm Tanner Murtaugh and I'm Ann Hampson.

SPEAKER_00:

This podcast is dedicated to helping you unlearn chronic pain and symptoms.

SPEAKER_03:

If you need support with your healing, you can book in for a consultation with one of our therapists at painpsychotherapy.ca.

SPEAKER_00:

Or purchase our online course at embodycommunity.com to access in-depth education, somatic practices, recovery tools, and an interactive community focused on healing. Links in the description of each episode. Hi everyone.

SPEAKER_03:

Hi, everybody. Welcome back.

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome back. We have a special and timely episode today.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, yes. And this actually is one of my favorite episodes that I like to do. I think we've done something like this similar last year. But it's so important as we roll into holiday season.

SPEAKER_00:

Mm-hmm. So we're going to talk about a holiday survival guide for chronic pain and chronic illness. This is your guide. It is. And, you know, I everything we talk about today, I know I utilize. Yes. And I know actually you utilize a lot of this as well.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So the holiday season, who it is often portrayed as this joyful, nostalgic, full of togetherness kind of season.

SPEAKER_03:

Which is so funny, Tanner, because I feel like every time we go into it, that's what we want. We're like, oh, we're in the holiday season. And we're so excited.

SPEAKER_00:

Like a week ago, me and Anne were like, we're gonna, we're gonna do the best we can this December to stay positive.

SPEAKER_03:

We actually said that to each other. I said that to you, and I I was serious about it.

SPEAKER_00:

And then our daughter got sick. And then we had parties and traditions.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

We had a craft night last night. Yes. And all of a sudden we're both overwhelmed right off the bat.

SPEAKER_03:

Totally. And that positivity plan just went down the tubes a bit.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and I think, well, it can be true that yes, the holidays can be joyful.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

For many people with chronic pain, chronic illness, this is just not the case. And they notice their symptoms really flaring up at this time of year. I felt that year by year when I had chronic pain.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, and that's really common. Like I think I've had a lot of clients that I meet with say that to me of like, okay, I'm noticing increase in dysregulation, increase in symptoms.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, and it's really overwhelming.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, that's what it is. And really, in today's episode, we want to discuss why that is and provide you all with a survival guide that you can utilize to make it through the holidays and maybe make it through with a little bit less symptoms and a little bit more joy. All right. That's the goal. Yeah. In December, I would say, Anne, that almost all of the sessions I have with people are around the stress of the holidays, uh, how the holidays are overwhelming and how they're really worried about flare-ups or they're already starting to have some flare-ups. And we want to talk about why the holidays trigger chronic pain and chronic illness. So when your pain and symptoms are neuroplastic, what this essentially means is that safe physical signals from your body start to be viewed as dangerous by the brain. So I'll give you an example here. Let's say someone's struggling with back pain that's neuroplastic. Right. What's happening is that, you know, in your body, around your back, safe neutral signals are going up. But when the symptoms are neuroplastic, what happens is your brain starts to misinterpret the signals coming up from the body. And your brain is going to be more likely to generate symptoms when you're chronically dysregulated because it's warning you of danger. We don't like the warning very much. It's a pretty terrible warning. We really need a better warning system in our body.

SPEAKER_03:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

But that's what we got. So in our approach, we talk about danger signals, which are these internal or external stimuli that's taking place that's very dysregulating for us. Now, some of these are pretty common, you know, like some of us would have very common danger signals, human being to human being, but for a lot of people, they are unique. Um, and during the holidays, people are getting a lot of these different danger signals being thrown at them repetitively. And so, this is what we want to talk about now is what are these common danger signals that we face during the holiday season?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, and one thing I want to say, like before we talk about the common signals, I think we really need to normalize, Tanner, why this happens. Because I think this happens to many of us, whether we have chronic pain or not, that we're getting flooded a little bit with danger signals at holiday time for a lot of unique reasons. And that might be doing a lot of things outside of our comfort level, exposure, um, interacting with family, or maybe not interacting with family. So there's a lot of unique things to this time.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So I would say the number one that I see for most people is family conflict or tension.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes. Well how do you think that's number one?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I think for a lot of people, we have complicated relationships with our family. And during the holidays, we've been taught, oh, we should be around our family more. We should be interacting, we should be, you know, building those loving relationships. And so for a lot of people, because they're around their family so much, the chances of conflict or tension really builds. And a lot of family members, maybe the people, the listeners are you're dealing with, have really strict ideas of what the holiday should be like. But that may not match your nervous system and what you need.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

I think the other thing that'll happen that I hear a lot from people, which is really unfortunate, is people don't have connection with their family anymore. Right. And sometimes for good reason. Uh like they've made the decision, I don't want to be in contact with my mother anymore. Which was a hard decision to come to, but lots of people have reason for that. But I think for a lot of people, there's this loneliness that can come over them during the holidays. Like they can feel lonely and sad, and you know, like they don't have the pic picture perfect family that they would once really wanted.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, and I think you're right, Tanner. There's a lot of different emotions that come up during the holidays for people. Um, and that can feel triggering. And when we think of nervous system and maybe dysregulating, um, that can be dysregulating to our nervous system, and that can be overwhelming. Um, and then that can increase pain and symptoms.

SPEAKER_00:

It really can. And we want people to watch out for this. Like if you're about to go to a big family gathering and you have a huge flare-up, this could be the danger signal that's happening. I I would say another really big one that you and I both struggle with is high expectations and pressure.

SPEAKER_03:

I feel like I don't struggle with that as much as you. Well, I do a little bit, but more you.

SPEAKER_00:

More me. I've gotten significantly better at this over the years, but I would have such high expectations and pressure on myself, on the meal I cooked, on the traditions being perfect for the kids.

SPEAKER_03:

I remember that. You would get so intense about that, Tatter. Like you it would have to go perfectly. If it wasn't going, you would start getting agitated. Like I remember past holiday seasons like that. Why do you think that was happening for you?

SPEAKER_00:

You know, I think it speaks to the next thing we were going to talk about, which is really my perfectionism. Like, I get things built up in my mind really quick. This happens day to day and it's gotten way better over the years, but things would be built up in my mind if it needs to be this way. It needs to be perfect. Because if it's perfect, my kids will feel perfect, they'll feel that great love and joy. I'll feel perfect, uh, and we'll be happy. Like it would really build and build. And then when I'm going to a party or I'm preparing for our Christmas Eve party, it's like I could feel that pressure, that intensity level just be so high.

SPEAKER_03:

What would you notice to maybe? And I know at this time, Tanner, you weren't in as much pain and symptoms as the past, but what would you notice about your nervous system and also maybe pain and symptoms?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, one thing that I would notice was I would just feel really agitated and irritable. You've you've been used to grumpy tanner every year. Um, not agitable. I was better last year, but some years. But yeah, like the irritability was a good sign. I think the other major danger signal that we're gonna talk about the solution to is people pleasing.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

And that is a dangerous signal. Like our nervous system can only sustain so much people pleasing without us getting really dysregulated.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, why do you think we become dysregulated from that? Because I think a lot of people might be like, oh, I I want to help others, I want to give, I want to be in that spirit. Why does that become a dangerous signal?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I'll break it down like this. Some people pleasing is okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

A little bit.

SPEAKER_00:

That makes sense. Like evolutionarily, we're meant to please the people around us. It helps us survive. But for some people, that's the only way they try to cope and create safety. And that's where it gets into a dangerous zone. Because now they're ever always putting other people's knees first. You're gonna get really resentful and built up emotionally. And then because you're a pleaser, you're just not gonna share that with anyone and you're gonna snuff it down. So it's almost like this cascading event that starts to happen for people. And so, yeah, around the holidays, that definitely becomes more extreme. I think another really common danger signal is this wanting to appear happy or joyful.

SPEAKER_03:

I feel like I fall into that with the kids. Like even like now, it's not even the Christmas yet, we're just in holiday season, but uh, I'm trying to like appear happy in the morning, I'm trying to appear happy in the evening. Like I'm already trying to like make things a lot more happier, yeah. Um, and and maybe hide my overwhelm and dysregulation.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Well, we do this for our kids, we do this for people around us. I think we just feel this pressure inside, too, that this is a joyous holiday season. So we should feel joyous. And then what takes place is people are like trying to force happiness, force calmness. Yeah. And that is gonna make you so dysregulated. Like you would be better to feel emotion, and we'll talk about this later on, but to feel the emotion and then move through it and then work on feeling happy. But for a lot of people, they're just stuffing difficult emotions down.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I, you know, when I was in pain, I really struggled with this because I hated the holidays when I was in pain because it felt like the way I felt, how dysregulated it was, how much pain I was in, felt so far off from this like nostalgic warm holiday season feel. And so I feel for people listening because that is a it's a difficult thing to sit with. Um financial difficulties.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, that's a big one. Like I think a lot of money goes out in terms of like gift giving and kind of celebrating and maybe paying for things we wouldn't normally.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, and it's not uncommon to spend more than we want or we should. And that can be like the slow dysregulation as we rationalize it, but we're feeling a bit like anxious under the surface about it all.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and it almost goes unnoticed, I find, with a lot of people. Yeah. And again, we're not financial advisors, but financial stress is a very like for myself personally, Ann knows this about me. I for the listeners, I am very cheap. Um my father was very like, you know, money management in a good way, but he was cheaper. Like he he was very thoughtful. And so anytime we have like un unexpected expenses, Anne's like, oh, it'll be paid off in two weeks. And I'm like in deep, dark, danger mode. So it's watching that because you know, if we're not watching your spending over the holidays and it's building slowly, and you're slowly becoming more and more agitated or anxious, that will flare up symptoms eventually.

SPEAKER_03:

And you know what? One thing I want to say is if you relate to some of these and you're like, oh my God, I'm already in financial stress and distress, um, we want to validate that. And it doesn't necessarily mean some of this stuff isn't gonna happen. I think the reality is, yeah, like these things, these danger signals or these situations are going to happen. But that's why we have the survival guide of like, okay, how do we work through it now?

SPEAKER_00:

Yep.

SPEAKER_03:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

Now, the last danger signal I want to talk about is just high exposure that people have during the holiday season. Like they're moving more, they might be standing more, so there might be this exposure to like physical exercise and activity. But I think for a lot of people, and I felt this during the holidays, there was more exposure to being social, to being more busy. And for my nervous system personally, like I need a lot of slowness and I need a lot of spaciousness. And I think most people's nervous system needs that, but we stop feeling that in December because whether you have pain or not, like everything becomes busier and more intense.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, and what about Tanner? More exposure to physical activity, like movement, walking, maybe like I know I've talked with people about these gatherings. Sometimes there's more exposure to sitting, and normally they wouldn't be, um shopping. Uh, so a lot more exposure to maybe physical triggers too that connect to dysregulation and pain.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and I think that can feel so scary when you're in pain. Like I remember Validly so. Yeah, like before I learned about a brain and nervous system approach, I was convinced movements, positions, even being social was somehow triggering issues in my body. And so the benefit of neuroplastic is we understand, no, like it's just these factors are making us dysregulated. They're not damaging anything.

SPEAKER_03:

But sometimes we're pushed to where we're not ready. It's like higher exposure than we're planning.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Watch out for that and be very thoughtful around how you want to approach the holidays.

SPEAKER_03:

That's fair.

SPEAKER_00:

Now, this whole list of all these danger signals, you know, the common thread here is they're all things that can dysregulate us.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

That's it. And we're gonna go through a survival guide now where the focus is on increasing safety in the brain and nervous system. I want to be so clear about this. The focus is on increasing safety in the brain and nervous system.

SPEAKER_03:

Why are you repeating that too?

SPEAKER_00:

Because the focus is not doing all the things we just are about to talk about to desperately try to force yourself to not have a symptom flare-up.

SPEAKER_03:

And you know, it's important to be kind to yourself because we all know everyone's end goal is like to reduce pain. We just wanted to be like far in the end and focus on safety for now. That helps get us to where we want to go.

SPEAKER_00:

If you focus on safety and make that the goal, you'll be in a better position to have fewer fit flare-ups or have the duration of the flare-up be less.

SPEAKER_03:

Ah, okay.

SPEAKER_00:

So just that's my selling point for everyone listening here. Um so number one, safety signals.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and I think, you know, I think we've already been talking a little bit about safety signals in some way that we need to turn to them. So there's a we've discussed a bit about why. Um, but in most of our podcasts, we talk about safety signals as well. And so there's a lot of information there. Safety and creating safety is really key.

SPEAKER_00:

It is. I'm curious, Sam, for yourself, like how do you kind of use safety signals, whether that's before or after a holiday event or even during? Like, what does that look like for you?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, it's important to know what my safety signals are. So I spent a lot of time exploring safety signals. I'm using them in my day-to-day anyways. And so my suggestion to people is get to know what safety signals are long before the holiday event is happening. So then you can utilize them.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

If you're figuring them out during the holiday event, okay. But um, it's almost more beneficial to have an idea of like, okay, these are my safety signals, and this is how I'm gonna implement them before and around whatever that holiday time is.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, you don't want to be frantically trying to make them up on the spot.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. And so for me, um, a lot of it is trying to take the pressure off. So having awareness that there's gonna be high pressure going on, um, understanding that I'm gonna go into perfectionism mode in terms of like maybe having my hoping my kids will have the best Christmas ever.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, but I'm gonna intentionally remind myself, okay, that's okay. I'm gonna do verbal safety signals um to myself. Like I sometimes I think of a mantra. Um, breath work is really important. And I actually talk with a lot of people about little breath work. I talk with people about doing just a short pause, yeah. Dropping into the body, kind of slowing down the breath. It can be 30 seconds long, and then redirecting and incorporating that lots throughout the day. And I just know I'll need more of that than my typical day.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I think part of the difference between you and me, which is probably helpful for listeners, is you use your safety signals a little bit more informally.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Where I use them a bit more formally. Like, for example, what I do before every party and I plan it out this way, I always have like 30 minutes in a dark room doing breath work, qigong. I might do some light stretching and using some safe self-talk. I like, I need that like 20, 30 minutes before any party or big tradition. But also, I take these five-minute breaks.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Because being social, I've gotten way better over the years. It's quite overwhelming to my nervous system. I'm very introverted and I can be social. I like being social, but I always take these like five minute breaks where I go to the basement or go to the garage, and I'm just like doing some of these safety signals really quick. Yes. That worked for me.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, and I like that you highlight that, Tenor, because I think there's lots of ways of doing this. And I definitely do it much more informally than you, but it's figuring out what works for you. That works for you. The informal piece works for me. I know I kind of think in the morning, like, okay, what do I want to bring into my day? What signals do I maybe need to rely on? And then I incorporate them throughout the day.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, a bit more on the fly. Whereas you do them very structured and everyone's different.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so people need to find what works. I'll review these quick. I feel like we say the safety signal list every couple of episodes.

SPEAKER_03:

I think it's a good reminder.

SPEAKER_00:

But again, they can be formal or informal, but it could be breath work, present moment sensing, somatic movements, such as qigong, uh visualization, like visualizing something calming, uh, safe self-talk or tapping or somatic massage. So there's lots of examples that people can play around with. Now, we also are going to, in the description of this podcast episode, put a safety signal practice. It's a free practice that people can just, you know, if you have a big party with your in-laws, you're feeling a little stressed about it, you can throw on the safety signal practice, just do it. I think it's 10 or 15 minutes long. So we wanted to give people something like really concrete that they can go and do.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Now, also in our digital course, we have a ton of safety signal practices that are audio or video practices. So if people want a more full approach as we go through the holidays, the link for our digital course uh to sign up for will be in the description of this episode as well.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and that can be a really great resource because, like you said, there's so many things to pull from there. Um, but I like that there's visual things and also audio. And so it depends kind of like what your style and like what resonates with you, but you have the option for both. Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So the next section of this survival guide is process dysregulation.

SPEAKER_03:

I feel like no one likes that.

SPEAKER_00:

You're right. Most people don't like dysregulation. Or processing.

SPEAKER_03:

Processing. Talking about it, acknowledging it.

SPEAKER_00:

There's there's great benefits, of course. And, you know, as we've kind of talked about, there's a lot of dangerous signals people face at the holidays. So you're gonna feel more high dysregulation, which can look like fight, irritated, frustrated, flight, nervous, anxious, uh, fawn, which is like appeasing, uh, trying to be perfect, getting social acceptance, or freeze and shutdown, where people feel numb, despair, kind of shut down, hopeless, helpless.

SPEAKER_03:

Is it fair to expect some type of dysregulation like that to maybe appear?

SPEAKER_00:

I like to tell people I have been doing this healing work now for about a decade. Every holidays, I feel more dysregulated than other times of the year.

SPEAKER_03:

It's a bit of a glum kind of message, Tanner.

SPEAKER_00:

But don't go doom and gloom yet. However, it is significantly better year by year.

SPEAKER_01:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

Way better. And my ability to process dysregulation and sit with it is, you know, far greater in that way compared to before.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, I actually love that tenor, because it's about it's about change over time. And sometimes this change is like a slow journey.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. It it is. It's gonna be gradual, but during the month of December, I tell all of my clients, you need to do more of this. Because again, that that that view that we often have of the holidays being joyful, and then the pressure we feel to feel joyful, that's where it's gonna get you into trouble. Because what will flare up pain and symptoms almost more than anything else is if you start to resist and suppress when you feel dysregulated. Because when you do that, and we know this from research, when you suppress emotions, dysregulation, it actually increases pain and symptom sensitivity in the brain.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

That is so vital for people to understand.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

And so we really recommend doing a lot of processing of dysregulation. For myself, what I do is I do longer practices at night where what I'm doing is I'm dropping into my body, I'm describing, okay, what's the nervous system dysregulation happening? What does that kind of look like? Uh, and I'm deepening my connection with it for 10 or 15 minutes. I'll sit and explore, notice how it moves and shifts. And then I'll use some safety signals along with it, such as breath work or present moment sensing to create some safety. Because to process dysregulation to keep it really simple for people, you're getting exposure to being in your body with the sensations, but then you're also creating safety.

SPEAKER_03:

And also acknowledging what emotions are kind of paired with that dysregulation.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Emotions kind of happen all over the nervous system. Uh, and so it's kind of, you know, I almost don't like to split them up because they're so intertwined nervous system state and emotions. So whatever languaging people want and feels more most accessible is completely fine. I will say, yes, I do longer practices, but I also pause repetitively throughout my day.

SPEAKER_03:

Uh, and so that's back to that kind of can we consistently pause a little bit, drop into the body, slow down, and kind of check in on what's going on there without judgment.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

With a little bit of kindness and give some space and then redirect onwards.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. That's what we need to be doing. Um it what Ann just explained right there is this very informal way. Yes, you're kind of processing dysregulation as it's happening. You can't just do your one emotion practice every day and then just like check out from dysregulation the rest of the day. Yes. That doesn't help people. So just like just do this little bit by little bit throughout the day for like three to five minutes.

SPEAKER_03:

Can we talk here for a minute, Tenner, about our listeners that might not be involved in the busyness of the holiday season, but instead are feeling difficult emotions like loneliness, feeling isolation, and just regulation connected to that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Well, I think for a lot of people, unfortunately, they're on the other end of the spectrum of kind of a nothingness feeling around the holidays, which is incredibly painful to sit with and experience. And I do want to validate to people like how difficult that can be.

SPEAKER_03:

Um and likely we'll feel an increase in dysregulation during this season as well.

SPEAKER_00:

Like being disconnected from family or friends, not having those traditions that you see on TV or you see everyone else have, like, that's gonna be hard to sit with. But it's still processing. You still need to spend time, even if you can't like change that, you still wanna allow yourself to sit with that dysregulation and create safety with it over time.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and I think safety is really key key there. So if a lot of our emotions um come up around the holiday season and that feel really negative, feel really difficult, or really, really heightened, we do want to process those. Yeah. But leaning into safety is so huge of like how do we feel safe as well throughout our day? How do we give our nervous system those messages of safety? Um, as I'm feeling maybe this heightened, difficult emotion.

SPEAKER_00:

Absolutely. And to support people, we have an emotion practice, a free YouTube video. Yeah. We'll put in the description of this episode. So if you need some guidance around that, you can practice with that video. So the third and final thing in your survival toolkit for the holidays is reducing people pleasing.

SPEAKER_03:

That feels hard, Tana. Like it's a toolkit to help, but it feels like a hard tool to put into action.

SPEAKER_00:

It it can, and we're gonna really break down kind of the areas people can focus in on. But this is vital because especially around the holidays, because you want everyone around you to be happy. Yes. You want people to enjoy themselves. This this desire for acceptance and approval tends to increase.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. So that's back to that like kind of fawn response, back to that perfectionism that we want to challenge a little bit here.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, like people get into this like fawn response where they're trying to create safety with the people around them by avoiding conflict, by never expressing themselves, by always putting other people's needs first.

SPEAKER_03:

Do you like I do that with you sometimes in the holidays?

SPEAKER_00:

You gotta work on this.

SPEAKER_03:

I will. Yeah. Be prepared.

SPEAKER_00:

I kind of regret already saying that. I'm gonna be a little upset about that. I'll be okay though. I'll be okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, you know what? And this is a really good example that if we choose to reduce our people pleasing, others around us might feel it. But it's also we wanna think about it as a benefit to our nervous system and our well-being a little bit.

SPEAKER_00:

Absolutely. So the first thing is setting boundaries. Boundaries. Ooh, boundaries. Boundaries are scary.

SPEAKER_03:

They are.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh, you know, when we're people pleasing, we can have some really loose boundaries.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

We do. And this sorry, go ahead.

SPEAKER_03:

I was gonna say that becomes comfortable but dysregulating.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, like this can lead to this resentment we've talked about, to burnout, and to being just completely disconnected from what we actually need. So we really want people to consider some simple boundaries over the holidays.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, so things that feel like it will be helpful for regulation, but not too challenging that it's super overwhelming. Yeah. Healing window.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, the healing window, like, and we talk about this a lot, but essentially you don't want the exposures to be too big to setting boundaries. Even if they need to get there eventually, you don't want the exposure to setting boundaries to be too big because you're not gonna be able to tolerate it.

SPEAKER_03:

Like if I told you you had to do all the chores and you had to do everything and I wanted a whole day off, that would be overwhelming. And that would cause maybe tension, too much tension.

SPEAKER_00:

I can feel that tension in my body.

SPEAKER_03:

It also would be too overwhelming. It'd be too much of an exposure for me to kind of go there, even though it's really what I want, and we're gonna get there. But it'd be too much of an exposure of challenging my people pleasing to doing almost the opposite. It'd be too extreme.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. Like you want to keep this reasonable so that you can tolerate setting the boundaries because it will create some discomfort at first. Yes. Over the course of the holidays, it'll help you greatly, but at first it's gonna create a little bit of dysregulation.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

So, you know, for myself, for example, um, I tell Ann this, this is my rule, and I stick by this rule. I do not want more than one holiday thing per day.

SPEAKER_03:

Ah, interesting. We have two coming up on Sunday.

SPEAKER_00:

I know, and I've I've been upset. It was kind of forced. But but for the most part, I'm really like to be clear about that because I remember one year we had like four activities in one day, and I was like, there is no way I can stay regulated through all that.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, why was that too much for you, Tenner?

SPEAKER_00:

Because again, I need that slowness, I need that spaciousness to feel regulated. And so, you know, we're gonna talk about how you can start to set boundaries, but one way you can do this is limiting the number of holiday events or traditions you're doing. You do not need to go to every party you're invited to. Even if you really think you want to, be aware how is your nervous system gonna feel.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, and I think something to think about is that essence of can I do my holiday experience, but still slow down within it?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So it's just picking the traditions, the events that are most important, and cutting out the rest. The other thing I do that I recommend to everyone I work with is before you go, like let's say you're going to a party at your mom and dad's house. Before you go, send them a text or call them and let them know, hey, we're only able to stay for one hour or we're only able to stay for two hours. My parents know this, I do this every time. Every time I have a party at their house, beforehand, and I tell you this as well, I'm like, I'm staying. If it starts at three, I'm staying until five. Because it it helps me feel a little bit safer. And it's a boundary because I know if parties go on like six hours, like it's I just feel really overwhelmed. Yeah. It's a lot of stimuli for me.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, and it doesn't mean those have to be your boundaries if you're listening to this, but it is thinking of what kind of boundaries would I want to set? What do I wish I would set, but I don't? And then where can I start? Maybe small.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. The other thing that people can do, and this really comes down to the financial stress by reducing or simplifying gift giving.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm kind of bad for that. Tata tries every year and I don't follow it well.

SPEAKER_00:

I try to rein in the case.

SPEAKER_03:

It's not terrible, but I I uh I have trouble maybe reducing gift giving and costs. Well, we have a a lot of people to buy for, so that's my issue.

SPEAKER_00:

So here here's my thing. And um first off, I'm not bing on gifts. And I've really had a gift person. So you know, if we talk about someone's love language, my love language with Anne or with any of my family is quality time.

SPEAKER_03:

Or teasing us.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but that's quality time for me. I want to tease and bug you, and that's quality time for me. It's probably not for you, but it is for me. But gifts, like I don't really feel anything giving or receiving gifts.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So it's an easier one for me, but I didn't want to include it on the list because it's a clear way to set boundaries. The last thing I want to say is like you can set boundaries by avoiding certain topics at these dinners. Do not talk about politics, do not talk about your religious beliefs. Like rain it in people. We don't need to like get into these conflict, you know, heavy topics. So some of that stuff can be helpful.

SPEAKER_03:

For me, like a lot of it isn't like kind of these like set things like you're kind of mentioning. It's more just trying to take pressure off, trying to get time alone. And so this season, at least for me, I spend a lot of time with my kids, and it doesn't mean I don't love my kids, but I can find it overwhelming because I'm used to them being in childcare. So this is a big shift for me where I become more full-time mom. Um, and I know I need alone time, I need breaks, I need timeout. And so I try to have a clear conversation with Tanner about it. Um, and that helps me kind of get those times where I can kind of regulate, give safety signals, and kind of reset.

SPEAKER_00:

Absolutely. So now we're gonna talk about practicing free expression.

SPEAKER_03:

Like telling Tanner again, I need that whole day off.

SPEAKER_00:

Freely expressing yourself. Like, I'm doing it. And you're doing it right now. Yeah. And I appreciate it. Do you? It doesn't feel good in my belly, but I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, why do you think free inspection free expression, sorry, is important in Tanner?

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's important because it helps to get what you need in relationships. Over time, it actually strengthens relationships, like it'll cause some ruptures, but then healthy relationships, and when you're doing it with safe people, there'll be repair, right? Rupture repair. And so that's really normal. Um, it's also actually going to help you feel more regulated long term.

SPEAKER_03:

Why does that help with regulation?

SPEAKER_00:

Because we've already talked about like feeling dysregulation. So, like, let's say you're at like here, giving a great example. Let's say I'm agitated with Anne because she booked two holiday things this coming weekend on the same day, even told, even though I told her not to.

SPEAKER_03:

What to be fair, one of them was a visit with Sam that I had to book like six months ago. How was I supposed to know? I just have to do from my.

SPEAKER_00:

But let's just say I'm agitated. Yes, I should feel that agitation, work through it somatically as we've talked about. But part of the way you move through dysregulation and emotion and back to a safe, calm state is you appropriately express it. You don't, I wouldn't go and like scream at Ann. That's gonna make us both dysregulated and then we're gonna fight all December. But I'm gonna be like, hey, like I know sometimes this stuff's hard to plan, but it's just it's a lot for me to handle. Like, would it be possible that in the future we really try not to do this?

SPEAKER_03:

And something I'm gonna try to do is okay, not get defensive like I just did, but listen to that. And I love that. And I know not everyone's partner or everyone's family members might be responding the way I am, but it doesn't mean he shouldn't be doing the free expression.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And you know, whether you study boundaries or freely expressing yourself, some people don't like it at first. Yeah. But it is important. So you're not building up all this resentment all holiday season.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. So it's not always about the other person's response, it's a way for you to kind of release some of that stress, some of that tension to set boundaries, to own your own voice. And that's all connected to regulating the nervous system.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. I think it's it's all interconnected, it's all important. Um, the last thing that we want to talk about with reducing people pleasing is lowering the intensity. You know, this intensity level can be very gripping during the holidays.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Like people are, for a lot of people, they're really busy, they're doing all these different things, they're shopping, they're going places. Um, you know, it can feel really frantic. And so finding ways to lower your intensity level can be really key. Like I always talk about if I'm starting to feel anxious, the first thing I do is I slow down my movement and I slow down my speech.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Like right now, I'm not talking so slow that it's weird, but I am talking slower, right? Well, you don't want to talk slow, but like I'm just saying, like slowing down the speech and slowing down your movement. Like on Christmas Eve when we have family come over, I give myself lots of time to cook. I cook slowly, I listen to music. Like, do you get the idea? Like it's all very slowed down, and that's to keep me regulated. The other really simple thing is just reduce the activity load. Like, take something out. Take something out of your day that does not need to be there. Um, give yourself these moments of like free time. And I always tell people schedule these non-negotiable regulation times.

SPEAKER_03:

I like that. And that's back to kind of your views on doing set things for regulation, Rose, not on the fly, which is important actually. Yeah. If we're so busy, we need to make sure we make time.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, like I'll always during the December months meet with one last client today. And then the other thing that I'll do is I always have a block of 30 to 60 minutes in the middle of my day where I can. Go lie down or go do qigong, and nothing interrupts that time. Like that needs to be there for me to stay regulated.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. We really want to emphasize like take rest when you need it. Take that time for you. Prioritize that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And so this is our holiday survival guide.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

It's all laid out for people. We really want people for the remainder of this holiday season, just really commit to gently incorporating more safety into your day.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Use the safety signals we talked about. Start to process that dysregulation and reduce people pleasing.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, and it's interesting because this isn't that different than maybe when we have a typical pain flare, regardless of the holiday season. We talk about, okay, let's increase the safety signals.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, and so it's very similar.

SPEAKER_00:

It's very similar. And again, you can't perfectly control your flare-ups. No. Even if you have some flare-ups, I really want people to congratulate themselves for doing the healing work, to try to approach the holidays differently and try to approach your flare-ups differently if they do happen.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So thank you everyone for listening.

SPEAKER_03:

Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_00:

And our next episode will be in the new year.

SPEAKER_03:

Wow. That's exciting.

SPEAKER_00:

So we will talk to you all in a few weeks.

SPEAKER_03:

Happy holidays.

SPEAKER_00:

Take care.

SPEAKER_03:

Thanks for listening. For more free content, check out the links for our YouTube channel, Instagram, and Facebook accounts in the episode description.

SPEAKER_00:

We wish you all healing.