Letting Go of Toxic Friendships + Healthy Friendship Breakups

Hey Muses! This week, we’re diving into the world of female friendships and how they change over time. Join me, Maria Fuentes, as we chat about how some friendships are meant for certain chapters of your life and why it’s okay to let them go when they’re no longer serving you. 

I’ll share some personal stories from my twenties, where I dealt with one-sided, toxic friendships and how those experiences shaped my understanding of what I truly need in my friendships. We’ll talk about how big life changes, like getting married or switching careers, can really show you who’s a true friend and who’s not.

As we get into our thirties, it’s so important to be clear about the kind of friendships we want and to be okay with feeling a bit lonely during those in-between times. Self-awareness and respectful communication are key. 

So, if you’re figuring out how to handle those tricky friendship breakups or want to make sure your friendships are aligned with where you’re headed, this episode is for you. Let’s get grounded and talk about keeping those supportive, healthy friendships that really lift us up!

Need extra support from Maria? Join MUSE Energy, her exclusive women 's-only channel on Instagram, for more insights and inspiration! - https://www.instagram.com/direct/inbox/?thread_key=8628881520460159

For personalized 1:1 coaching, visit Maria’s website at mariafuentes.net or email her at info@mariafuentes.net for guidance.- https://mariafuentes.net/

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Transcript

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when you're grounded in yourself and you know yourself, Nothing around you should be explosive. There shouldn't be this big fallout, right? Because you're doing everything from a very grounded energy and you, you know, when to not do something, when to do something, you do things with discernment. You understand what the consequences are and you lead yourself through all these. Decisions. Welcome to You First, a Journey to Self podcast, where we empower women to rediscover their true, authentic selves and regain personal power. If you are ready for a major shift, you've come to the right place. I am your host, Maria Fuentes, an expert in women's emotional mastery and self discovery. With a degree in psychology and nearly two decades of experience, I am passionate about addressing the challenges women face most. Self love, healthy relationships, and emotional awareness. I've had the privilege of coaching so many incredible women and witnessing their transformation through the methods we'll discuss on this podcast. This show is your weekly space to shift your perspective, find inspiration within and heal in ways that feel true to you. I'm so grateful you're here. Let's dive into this week's episode. Hello, my beautiful muses. And welcome back to another week's episode. This week, we will be talking about our female friendships. And how those change over time and how they transition. And how some people are great for some seasons and some chapters of life. And some people are not, they're not meant to go with us through every chapter and through every season. And. I really want to get. Down to the point of like, when to know when friendships no longer serving you and how to let it go in a beautiful way. Like no friendship or even romantic relationships should be a harsh breakup. Because my whole podcast is about you becoming your own source of inspiration, really getting to know yourself. And when you're grounded in yourself and you know yourself, Nothing around you should be explosive. There shouldn't be this big fallout, right? Because you're doing everything from a very grounded energy and you, you know, when to not do something, when to do something, you do things with discernment. You understand what the consequences are and you lead yourself through all these. Decisions. And so. I do want to pre-phase this with. Saying that I have not had the best luck with friendships and female friendships in the past. I. I always just found myself, especially in my twenties. Like, I'll take you all the way back to like my twenties. I had. Very toxic friendships. And there were one sided and by one side, Amy, like they would just, people would just come to me for what they needed, but no one really called me and check in on me. I was always a friend that had it all together. And no one really like none of my friends actually cared or at least it didn't feel like they cared, but I realized in. You know, acknowledging my patterns and understanding why I was attracting these types of friendships and romantic relationships as well, is that I realized that I had a low self worth and feel truly worthy of being loved. And so I kept finding people to validate that for me. So I would find friendships and people. That just needed me and I would over-give to them and search for them to validate me as a human and tell me that I was so wonderful. And I feel like I helped. And, but they never really cared to check in on me or to really just. See how I was doing it. Wasn't a reciprocal friendship. And of course, Friendships can sometimes it will be one person giving more than the other, or, you know, there'll be seasons in life when one friendship maybe show up more than the other, but overall, like any, any relationship that you're in should feel. To sighted. It should never feel like you're giving more than you're receiving energetically. And let, let's start off with that because a lot of the recon that I had to do with my friendships is that I started really questioning. One, why was I trying to keep on holding onto these friendships? And two, what were they bringing into my life? And I don't mean that in a, like, I'm better than anyone and they have to come and bring something to me. If not, I don't want them in my life, but in an energetic sense, right. If people are taking more from you than you're receiving from them, there's an energetic imbalance. And that's never going to feel good. That's not going to be a healthy relationship to be in. And so in my early twenties, I asked life started to happen. And I will say this too, before I continue. Anytime there's pivotal moments in your life, whether you're going through a breakup or the opposite, you're getting engaged, you're getting married or you lost your job, or you've got the best job, or there's a big career milestone that you're hitting, whatever big transition life transitions happen. That's when you really truly know like. What friends are there for what and how they feel about you. And so that started happening in my early twenties. When I started questioning my friendships, I got married at 23 and there was like two, three friends that just like instantly fell off. The moment I was in this relationship with my ex-husband. And that was because I up-leveled in a way. Right. Like I wasn't staying stuck in. The same drama patterns. I was in like a relationship at the time. It didn't feel like a toxic relationship yet with him. So it's still healthy. We traveled a lot. We had fun. And. Together. We started making a lot more money too on my friendships. At that time, my girl friendships, they all stayed the same. They were all like stuck in this like victim hood. They had kids really early in their, in their life. So they had little kids, like we just started to fall apart and they started distancing themselves from me and I hurt. Uh, in some way, because I was like, why is this happening? I don't understand. And so. During these times, like really pay attention to how people react to how your life is going. And if people like come out of the blue, all of a sudden, because you're going through heartbreak or you're going through a hard time and they just want to be there for you. Be careful with those people as well, because. If they weren't there for you to celebrate the good times too. And they just want to be there for you when you're going through hell. Why. Most people feel better when they hear that you're going through a bad time, right. They feel better about their lives. They feel really good about how shitty of a situation they're in, because now you're in a shitty your situation. So they want to be close to you to make themselves feel better. And I know that's really harsh to say, but it's the truth. So I started getting really clear. I'm like, wait a minute. So then. Other things started happening right then I got, I stayed married. I was. Then other friendships started coming in and other friendships started coming out and. I will say this also, like all my friendships did reflect where I was in life. So as much as I didn't like that, it wasn't reciprocal or they weren't giving to me in the same way. Energetically, like if they're messy and they were dramatic and there was a lot going on with their lives, like in some way that was happening in my life as well. And I found myself holding on to these friendships for the wrong reasons. I was like, well, I've known them for a long, for a long time, or they've been there for me through all these tough times or. Surely talked crap behind my back, but they said, sorry. And they didn't mean it. There's a moment where you have to say, wait, that doesn't feel good. And how am I aligning to this energy? And how can I, if that's not what I like, if that's not what I want. How can I just take a step back and actually make my life healthier and better so that I don't wanna attract people like this and being okay with walking away from friendships that don't serve you any longer. And so in my twenties, These friendships came and went and, you know, brights mates that were my bridesmaids, like ended up not being my friends later. And then like all these toxic relationships, the breakups were bad. Like the friendship breakups were pretty bad. Because there was a lack of self understanding on my end. And I gave, I gave, I gave until like I exploded and I had enough and there was some, there's like a moment where I was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you just keep needing me. But I created this whole dynamic. Right. I created this whole. Energy between us. So. Be really clear on, like, how are you showing up in the friendship? What are you bringing to the table? And what, like, how are your friendships? Are they healthy? Why are you staying around them? Are, do they make you feel good? Like take a check-in as you're going through this real listening to my podcast. If you're. In your growth phase and your personal development, if you just really want to hone in on who you are, ask yourself in your body, how does it feel when you're around the friends you're with. And again, your friends from your twenties might not come with you to your thirties because that's usually what happens to 30. Is a big year for most of us, especially women. Because if, whether you have kids or you don't have kids, whether you have a successful career or you don't, there's, there's like milestone, we feel like at 30, we should have had. And if you're not hitting all of these, like check marks in your life, you think like, oh, I'm a failure. I'm not doing so great. And so. Again, those big life transitions change and shift the dynamic in your relationships with your friendships as well. So if you're in your twenties start questioning that, like what type of a woman do you want to be? What type of woman, how do you want to show up and are your friendships actually resembling that? And then in your thirties, wherever you're at, in life to the same thing, but even with more purpose, because in your thirties, you're getting a lot more clear on who you are, what you want. We don't want. Well, you're willing to put up with where you're not willing to put up with. I know for me, I'm 34 and like it's crystal clear what type of friendships I want. I will also have this because. There's been a lot of moments where I've felt really lonely. Because in these, in between phases of I'm not like the friends I used to have. There's going to be this moment in life where it things feel a little lonely. And you have to be okay with sitting with that and you have to be okay with being like, well, That's okay. Like, I don't need the friendships right now. And then slowly just get really clear on what you want. And the real friendships will start coming in. And I'll speak for myself and maybe you can relate to this, or actually just analyze what I'm about to say, to see how it fits with your life. But I didn't have a lot of consistency with my sisters or friendships growing up. Like my sisters were always in and out of my life. My mom was. There was always drama. There was always a lot of negativity when it came to like, The relationships with women in my life. And my mom being a Hispanic parents, she was always like, don't tell women your stuff. Like they're gonna be jealous and they're gonna give you bad Juju. And they're going to do all these things. And so I always felt like they had to have this resistance and this wall up with my girlfriend ships. And so as I started releasing that I started getting really clear on like, that's not true. I'm just telling the wrong people. I'm talking to the bronc crowd. Like I'm staying stuck in the same patterns with the same people. And this is why I can't talk about my dreams, my aspirations, my visions. That things are going on in my life because the same people. That I'm talking to are the ones that are stuck in that same thought process of well, I can't say this, or I can't say that people are not going to uplift me and that's because people were stuck. And so what I realized was that. As I started making friendships in my twenties because of my childhood. I started holding all of the grip, holding onto people, no matter what they did or how they acted, because I didn't have that consistency growing up. So I had a negative attachment, like a codependent attachment to them instead of. Wanting and desiring somebody to be in my life as my friend and said I needed them to be in my life to fulfill this oh, people do love me. People do want to be in my life. And fulfill that sense of I am worthy of love, right. That I talked about earlier in that self belief that I had to dismantle the last few years here. Now that I'm in my thirties and I'm crystal clear on the type of friendships that I want, that I'm not going to give my energy to people that are just not aligned with that. I've also realized that. Not everyone's here forever. Not. Everyone's here to see you through all your life. Journey and to be with you while you're getting engaged or while you're going through a divorce and then you're finding yourself, or like there's going to be different friends for different reasons in different seasons. And also. I have friends that I will go to, to talk about business. And I have friends that I will go through to talk about. Just wine or something or like random things. And then now I'll have girlfriends and I will talk about just like energetics and like emotions. I have different friends for different things, because what I also started realizing it's in my thirties, I started getting really, really picky and I was like, well, that's my friend. Unless I meet some girl that was like, exactly like me or thinks like me, like, I don't want her in my life. I don't want to have a friendship with her. And that's not fair either because not everyone's going to be like me. Right. I went to the other extreme. And so now I'm just realizing I have different people for different things. And these are in friends. Like I used to think friends would be like, we're all in our thirties. We all have careers lives. Most of them don't even live near me, like, or close to me. And so I really just take my friendships for what they are and enjoy the time that we have together, whether that's at an event or a phone call or a FaceTime. Or text message conversation, whatever it is. I just, I really indulge in it. And I've had actually a couple friendship breakups here in the last, I would say like year or so. And. What I, I promised myself a long time ago after my last breakup with my ex-boyfriend. I said to myself, or before, I guess my breakup with my ex boyfriend, I said to myself, I am too old and too grown and have way too much. Self-awareness. To have toxic breakups and this big fallout and all this drama. And so I made it a point with my boyfriend at the time. When we broke up to make it as healthy as possible. And that is how I have my detachment. I will call them like the attachment, my breakups with friendships, whatever they are. They are very loving. They're caring. I speak my truth. If it needs to be spoken, if not, I just energetically walk away. And that's healthy to the D. Like, I've you, if you get nothing else from this podcast, I want you to know that when you're, as you're getting grounded with yourself and you're really acknowledging yourself and you have the self-awareness, there's no need to have this big vicious fight and breakup to really like, show that person that, you know, they're the bad guy or, or like really give your ego what it's searching for there. There's no need for that, because you're still grounded in yourself. You know who you are, you know what you want, you know, what you desire, any that person's just not an energetic match. They're not the bad guy. Just like, you're not the bad guy. I'm sure that there's going to be a time where you're not an energetic match somebody's life and that's okay too. That does not mean that you're worthless or that they are not good enough for them or anything like that. It just means that you guys are growing in different ways in different directions. And that's okay too. And so I want you to live your life with that thought in the back of your mind, like, okay, these friendships feel good, these friendships feel nice. And the moment that they don't. You can walk away energetically. Or you could have a conversation about it if it needs to be, if this is a close friendship that you value that maybe it needs. Maybe it's a conversation and you need to have, maybe it's not a breakup. Maybe it's a real deep conversation and vulnerable one you have to have, but you really have to hone into how do you feel around these people? And how are they helping you grow? And there's a difference of course. Right? There's a difference between like a mentor. Like I mentor my girls. I'm not friends with my girls. Like they're not going to call me and be like, can you believe when my boyfriend did or whatever? I mentor them. Right. They hire me, they pay me, I mentor them. I have friends that are on my same level. Like I don't have friends that I go to and I'm like, Hey, I need your mentorship. I'm like, Hey, I'm struggling through this. Can you help me out? Like, I'm stuck with this perspective. Do you have a different one for me? What do you think about this? And I hope that the. They do the same for me. I have friends that I love that they're like, Hey, this is what I'm struggling with. Do you have like a moment for me? And that's another thing is like really respecting each other's energies. Right? We're again, we're too grown to just like emotionally unload on anyone and everyone like not your boyfriend or your spouse, not your friendships. Like really check in with people before with your girlfriends before. You unload on them or you need them, right. Just because they're your friends doesn't mean that they're there for you at the, at whatever you need them, that they're going to drop everything whenever you need them. So really have that maturity to say, Hey. I need this. Let me know when you have some capacity, like when your energy is like, good, like, let me know when you have a moment for me. And that's healthy, right? That's that's cultivating the healthy relationship of okay. And I, and you also don't like, you won't have to test people. Right? Sometimes we do that. We test our friends like, oh my gosh, let's see if they're going to be there for me because I need them. And then the moment they don't pick up or, you know, they don't respond right away or whatever you let it mean something about you. You let him mean something that it's not, and that's unfair to, like, I actually had a friend of mine emotionally unload on me, because I didn't respond to a text message within a couple of hours. Cause I was so busy and doing stuff, but I was showing up on social media. And she took it as I was ignoring her and showing up on social media and it had to get really open with her and vulnerable. And I was a little frustrated, so I don't know that I said things exactly like I should have, because I was. In my emotion still when I was responding to her, but I was like, Hey. Just so, you know, I have priorities. And not that you're not a priority, but you're aware, you're telling me it's not an emergency. And I've heard this story before and I have things I have to do. I don't show up on social media, just for fun. I have clients and relationships that I'm building on there, and this is a business for me. So. Next time. You really need me just give me a heads up and I'll let you know where I'm at, because I can't just, you know, on a limb, just stop everything I'm doing because you need me. Another important factor I think, is like really setting the boundaries of standards and how people you allow people in your life. And then showing up consistently and showing love and showing care for other people. Like, I think that's all part of it, but we have to really check in with ourselves and understand how we feel and be vulnerable and. I would say that a lot of the analyzing, maybe you should do on your friendships is more than energetic level than anything else is like, how do people leave you feeling when you talk to them? How do they show up for you? How are they uplifting you? Are they helping you stay stuck in the same pattern or they're helping you shift your perspective? And when you start getting really clear on those things and you're like, wait a minute. Every time I call my girlfriend, And I complain about my life or my boyfriend or my situation. Surely, let me vent, but I don't know that I got any clarity. If anything, I'm even more mad at my spouse or my partner, or even more frustrated with my situation, like understand that. Not everyone will be able to grow. And if you're looking for that growth, if you're looking for that evolution, if you really just, you want to get into rooms and conversations with other women that are powerful in that. Just enlightened in you, right. You first have to and let yourself, and then get yourself into those rooms. And to be honest, the only ways that I've actually tapped into other women that are like me and in my same mindset has been going to spiritual retreats. That I paid a ton of money for. I'm going to events that I've paid money for. Like, I bought myself into my friendships. I go on. I buy my friends now. No, I, I, by myself into these rooms. And then I meet these incredible people. Because they're not next door. Like I live in Wilmington and sure. I don't go out a lot in insurance. I stay to myself a lot, but. I don't have anyone here in town that I would say is like on my same mindset that I've met yet. Right. They. They probably exist here. I just, if I don't go out or do anything, I get that I'm not going to find these people. And so I had to pay my way into these places in these rooms. And some of these women like blow my mind. I just came from an event like a month ago and you know, it's, it's just enlightening. Like Arno conversations are not like, oh my gosh, what was me? Victim HUD or. Talking about nonsense or past relationships or boyfriends or none of that. It's like, what are we doing? How are we growing? Oh yeah, I've gone through that struggle. What do you think about this? How does this resonate with you? Where are you at right now? What are some challenges you're going through? What are some struggles you're going through? Like asking each other questions? What does this mean to you? What does that mean to you? Just they're really expansive conversations. And. If you're listening to this and you're like, yeah, that sounds exciting. But then you're like, whoa, let me just, I don't know. I don't even know where to start. That's you probably being scared of really getting to your ultimate true potential because sometimes, and this one's going to rub us the wrong way. And this is, this was a harsh reality that I had to go through as well. Sometimes. We'll keep friends. That are just beneath us a little bit in an energetic way, or we know that we're a little bit better. Them. And I'm saying this because you know that if you're listening to this, you know, that you have been here. You know, you're a little bit better than this front and we keep them around because it makes us feel better about ourselves. Let that soak in, let that sit in for a second, because I had this harsh reality as well. And I was like, wait a minute. Why am I keeping this friendship around? And am I just feeling better than this person? And that's why I'm keeping them around because I feel like they come to me for advice and I can help with them. And it just like boosts my ego. And that was a big one for me to be like, whoa. That's not the friendship I want to have. No. I want friendships where I'm like in awe and amazed and grill crushing on this woman. That's powerful and sure. She struggles and she has her own challenges. But that is on my same level or better. Right on my same level or has more to give me or more to even offer. And I think that's expansive and that, and that we all deserve that. Right. And whatever area of life that you're in, maybe for me, it's definitely a personal development of course. And. Gosh, I've even made friendships like with my podcast guests, I feel like so lucky that in a way that I've made not only friendships, but I've been able to interview amazing women and people that I can. You know, even message and they'll give me some advice and. That's important to me. So whatever's important to you. Maybe it's fitness, maybe you're like, you know, why. I really want to get better at my fitness. How can I start relating with people? How can I have like a runner buddy? Not like a physical running buddy, unless you want to go running, but how can I have somebody that's like on my same level physically, but they want to strive or maybe they're in a little bit better shape and they're going to push me to just not. Eat the fucking donut on the weekend and not drink too much wine or whatever, you know, like what a friendship is going to expand you versus the one that's like out drinking to two in the morning and you go out with them, but then you're annoyed and you're bitching and you're complaining. And you're frustrated and you come back from girls' night and you're like, Ugh. So icky. I don't feel good about that. Maybe it's that you want to start a business? Like how can you find somebody that's maybe already started a business? That's in the starting phases of their business and you can go have coffee with them and get inspired. And get advice. Not that they should mentor you because you should be paying them if that's the case, but they could just inspire you to take action. And. If you, if you don't know what healthy relationships look like, because for me a lot, for a long time, I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. I think we do do that sometimes. Right. We lean and we're codependent on our friendships and sometimes it happens right after your breakup. I've noticed, and I've seen this with friendships and clients of mine that right after a breakup, I see my friend or my client just jumped right into like a really codependent. Anxious attached friendship. And they're like inseparable and they're going everywhere together. And, and then that just burst and it explodes later too, because it's a trauma bond, just like anything else. And what's a trauma bond is two people that don't really want to look at their own shit. And they feel really good being around each other because for whatever reason, they're contrasting trauma helps the other one feel better helps the other one's ego at once a mess in one way. The other one feels better about themselves. If one feels really sad about themselves and the other one makes listens to them and helps them, they trauma bond. Right. That's literally what happens with friendships. And so. Be really honest and raw with yourself and with grapes, with love in your queen energy, in your muse energy, released the friendships that no longer serve you. And it's really a simple, and I know that you're probably going to roll your eyes and you're going to be like, well, it's not that simple. Well, if it's not that simple, that means that the friendship is probably really toxic, but. It's as simple as Hey. I'm feeling really disconnected in our friendship. And I want to grow. I want to do better. I want to. You know, can we have a conversation about this? Because every time I talked to you, I feel like there's some negative energy, or like I'm not getting heard or understood. Maybe it's a conversation or maybe you just don't hang out with that person anymore. Maybe you were a little less available, maybe you just. You tell that person, Hey, I'm going to focus on me. See how they react with that. No one can get mad at you for focusing more on you and they'll give you clarity. Sometimes we just need the space, right? Maybe it's not the friendship. Maybe it's. Just you needing space. Again, any of those big life moments, whether you're growing, getting married, getting divorced. Like I said, any of those big life moments will show you the role that people have in your life and how they're willing to show up. And if they're willing to show up the way that you need them to. So I hope that this friendship, outgrowing friendship. Episode helped you because as women, our girlfriends are so important, they are a tribe. And. We have to grow our tribe and our tribe might look a little different as we grow and as we evolve and that is okay. Everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And let that sit in and then see who, who fits where. And transition and shift and move. And I hope you all have an incredible week and go be the bad-ass muse that you are. Bye guys. As we come to the close of this episode, I want to express my heartfelt gratitude and admiration for you. Taking the time to show up for yourself is an act of self love. And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who might benefit. And also, if you love this episode, please rate and review us. When you do, screenshot your review and email it to us for a special gift. Our Rediscover Yourself Worksheet. This worksheet includes exercises to help you uncover your authentic self, and assess the areas of your life that are misaligned with the true you. Email it to info at maria fuentes dot net. Also stay connected with us on social media for updates and more inspiration. You can find all this information in the show notes. Again, thank you for being here and I cannot wait to continue this journey together.