Why You Can’t Change Him: Embracing Authentic Love and Letting Go of Control.

In this episode of *You First: A Journey to Self*, we’re getting real about one of the biggest relationship traps—trying to change our partners. As women, it’s common to fall for someone’s potential and believe that with time, we can mold them into the ideal partner. But the truth? You cannot change them. And more importantly, you shouldn’t want to.

We’ll explore why it’s impossible to change someone, especially a man, and why healthy masculine energy naturally resists attempts at control. Instead of putting all our energy into fixing someone else, we’ll dive into the idea of focusing on ourselves—our own needs, values, and growth. 

We also discuss how clashing energies—unhealthy masculine vs. healthy masculine—can create distance and disconnection, leading to frustration and even infidelity. Learn how to embrace your feminine energy in a way that creates balance and polarity in relationships, rather than frustration and power struggles. 

Whether you’re in the early stages of dating or have been with your partner for years, this episode will guide you in understanding when to accept someone for who they are and how to foster true, deep connection without trying to control or mother them.

Tune in for a candid conversation about love, independence, and the power of letting go of the need to change others!

Need extra support from Maria? Join MUSE Energy, her exclusive women 's-only channel on Instagram, for more insights and inspiration! - https://www.instagram.com/direct/inbox/?thread_key=8628881520460159

For personalized 1:1 coaching, visit Maria’s website at mariafuentes.net or email her at info@mariafuentes.net for guidance.- https://mariafuentes.net/

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Transcript

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So what happens when a healthy masculine man? Meets a woman that's in her unhealthy masculine energy. They clash. It's two men going head to head. At each other, because. W eman doesn't want to be changed. And a woman is like, well, if you don't change, I can't love you. Because I need to control this. Welcome to You First, a journey to self podcast, where we empower women to rediscover their true, authentic selves and regain personal power. If you are ready for a major shift, you've come to the right place. I am your host, Maria Fuentes, an expert in women's emotional mastery and self discovery. With a degree in psychology and nearly two decades of experience, I am passionate about addressing the challenges women face monthly. Self love, healthy relationships, and emotional awareness. I've had the privilege of coaching so many incredible women and witnessing their transformation through the methods we'll discuss on this podcast. This show is your weekly space to shift your perspective, find inspiration within and heal in ways that feel true to you. I'm so grateful you're here. Let's dive into this week's episode. I love my beautiful music and welcome back to another week's episode. I am so excited to be sitting here speaking to you guys. And if you hear some background noises, our neighbors are like getting new sliding doors or something, and there's some banging going on in the background. So I hope it's not too distracting. Or if it comes through the mic, I am sorry. I have no place in the house that where you're not going to hear it. So. I really want it to just sit here and talk about this subject. Particularly, because I just watched it ends with us last night. And it's such a powerful movie. Right. And I think we can all resonate to this movie as women in some sort of way, because we've all been in a toxic relationship. I'm so at some point I'm sure. And we always want to have a healthy relationship. And so, as I was sitting there and listening and watching the movie and I made TJ just like, watch it with me. I was like, you know, She could have gone the other way. So if you haven't watched the movie, I don't want to spoil it for you, but the main character, of course. He has some toxicity and some trauma in his life and he acts out on it. And he has a lot of anger and all these different things. And as women we tend to, when we're in love, want to see the best in our partners and see where they can maybe change or. We see their potential, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. We see how much potential they have and who they can be, because that's what we see. Right? The shiny objects and who they portray to be, especially at the beginning. I think at the beginning of a relationship is so easy to get disillusioned of who that person really is because they're going to show you their best selves. And so before we get into the nitty gritty of this, like, let me tell you what I believe in my personal opinion, as a mentor and what I've seen in relationships, the clients that I've worked with and in my own relationships is this common timeline in a relationship. And where things start to go a little bit wrong, a little bit off. And why we decide or think we can change the person that we're with. And so women, it's not, it's no surprise that women fall in love through their ears and men fall in love through their eyes. And so as men are coming into our world and they're giving and trying to date us and trying to do all these different things. We start falling in love with the best version of them. And we're like, wow, like how amazing. And they will put their best foot forward in the sense that they will go up and above and beyond. And they'll say things or do things that maybe they will normally do just to show you that like, They're they're worthy of your love and that they're worthy of your attention. And so we started falling for this version of them, which is not, not them because that's them to a degree, but we start falling in love with the best version of them, because that's what they're showing us. Right. And so this is a time where we have to be really aware of our own needs, wants, and who we truly are, and also be really aware and ask the right questions of who they truly are to their core. How did they grow up? Which challenges have they faced? What traumas have they faced? How are their, that their past relationships been, ask them questions about those. How did they navigate them? How did those breakups and how are their relationship with those people now? Are they trying to do better or are they trying to change? That's when we have to ask those juicy questions, not later on. Not, oh, I didn't know. And we were like, oh my gosh, I had no idea. Now that you asked those in the beginning, because that's how we let our intuition, which is our compass, help us understand. Okay. Is he worthy of me going all in, into this relationship? And more importantly, it's going to, it's going to literally serve you so much in so many ways, because you're going to know. Can I love. The depths of this person. Can I love them for who they are, even though I don't know everything about them. But I've asked enough questions and the right questions. To know that this is where they come from and where they want to go. And so then you start, then you start falling for the person that they really are, who they are to their core, who they are and not just the best version of them. Right. And so I see that timeline it's happened to me. It's happened to most of us because we start falling in love and vice versa. Men fall in love with the best version of ourselves too. And so. That's the timeline where I feel like if we don't ask the important questions at the beginning, if we don't get really clear to who that person is and, and ask yourself, can I love this person? If they were to never change again. And that is such a powerful question. I think I heard this on a podcast, like maybe two years ago. And I was with somebody or maybe more than two years, maybe three years ago. And I was with somebody at the time and I was like, the answer was no, because I definitely wanted to change that person. I wanted to change them for the better. And I saw all the potential that they had, and I didn't love who they were. I love the idea of who they could become. And I think a lot of the times we know this too, at the beginning, we're like, well, that doesn't really match to my core values while the way that they act or the way they do things. I don't actually love that, or I don't love, and I'll give you myself as an example for me, I value quiet time, peace and quiet and solitude, and I'm more introverted. So if I met TJ and he was like a party animal and he always wanted to go out and always wanted to be around people. I could not be with somebody like that. However, if he would have shown me a different side of him at the beginning, and all he wanted to do is spend time with me. And he didn't really show me that extroverted side of him until later. I would've thought maybe he's on my same page. Right? That's why asking the questions is important. Most people we will do things that we think the other person would like at the beginning of we're not living in our true, authentic selves. I didn't do that. And I don't believe TJ did because we were both like, we've been down this rabbit hole. Like here's a whole truth. I almost was a little too honest about everything at the beginning because I didn't want to play those games. And so that's what I mean, if they're not matching your core values, what you expect from the future. So like, if a man tells you. I don't really want to get married. And you that's like a big goal of yours, your values aren't aligned and you going into this relationship thinking. Well, I can change him. He just needs to fall in love with me. See how amazing I am, how great I am. And he's just going to want to get down on one knee. We're going in it with the wrong expectations and we're not going in it with. Love for that person and who they truly are, because they're already telling you and most men will tell you straight off. The bad if having kids. Or being married as important to them because those are big life commitments for them. And for the most part, they don't want to do that unless they feel like it's a worthy thing. Some, if a man does tell you that, like I'm not sure it depends. That's actually a valid answer because it does depend on the person. I'm sure. And if he's in the right state of life, And so those questions to ask in the beginning are so important. Now, however, like I said, sometimes we know intuitively, like I just love him for his potential and I see all this potential, right. So if I let's say I would have met TJ and he was a complete mess, but he had these goals and dreams and aspirations and he talked a big game, but he didn't follow it up with actions. And all I saw, like his actual trajectory of the past was like him not showing up, not doing the things, not being consistent. Then, if I continued on that relationship, I would be falling in love with the potential of him. Right. What he even feels like it's his potential, but he's not. Willing to go there and do the uncomfortable things to meet his full potential. And so I would be falling in love with a version of him. That doesn't exist. And we do this a lot because we want, we want as women, we just want to be nurturing, loving, and caring. Right. We want to feel validated by our partners. We want to feel like we're the most important thing in the world. Like we're the queen of their lives. Like we are the most important thing ever. But we have to feel that about ourselves first. And we have to show up for ourselves first in order to actually gain that from the other person. What happens most of the time. And when I have clients that come to me for mentorship is they come to me with a list of problems that their partners aren't showing up that they're not doing and that they're not being. And that. That blah, blah, blah, blah. And. They're not this and they're not that. And when we actually worked through it, I asked them the same questions. How are they doing these things for themselves? And most women. Don't because it's easier for us to be givers than for us to nurture ourselves. No, one's really taught us that. No, one's really taught us like, Hey, if you really start just giving to yourself, you're going to start blossoming. If you water yourself everyday, you're. You're going to blossom. You're going to attract, you're going to be magnetic. You're going to be. This person that everyone wants to be around. No one teaches us that. So it's up to us to really start giving that to ourselves. Instead of trying to put it on another person, especially a man, because it's impossible to. To change somebody. So like the short answer is you cannot change them. No, you cannot change them. If you're sitting here listening to this and you want the answer, like, well, can I change him? Is it possible? The answer in short is no. And I want to go into why. We can't change them. And why you shouldn't want to change them. Right. And so one of the main reasons why we can't change a man is because men are innately leaders. They have courage, they have strength, they have assertiveness. So, if they are feeling like you are wanting to change them, And part of their identity and who they are. A real healthy masculine man is going to push against that. And it's going to just not want that. Right. And so. And it's going to not want to be around that energy. And I noticed a lot that women that are really hyper independent and myself included, we have, we have a certain idea and vision of how we want our lives, our partners. Our whole life to be, we already know, like we have it all planned out and we want to control these outcomes. And so we think that if we can just change and control them, Then everything will just fall into place and be the way we want it to be. However, what makes us independent and sometimes even hyper independent, which being hyper independent, isn't healthy. It just means that you're in like your toxic, masculine energy. Is that we are, when we're in that independent energy, we are in our masculine. And so when we're wanting to change our partners, That's masculine energy. When we want a mother, our partners, when we want to tell them no, the way you're thinking about that as dumb, um, change the way you dress don't eat that. Actually do this instead. Why are you doing that? That's mothering energy, right? That's what a mom would do to a child. But it's not a Mo a loving mother energy, like nurturance, love, care, unconditional love. It's not that it's mothering. Like, don't do this. Don't do that. Do this better. So what happens with it when a healthy masculine man? Meets a woman that's in her unhealthy masculine energy. They clash. It's two men going head to head. At each other, because. W eman doesn't want to be changed. And a woman is like, well, if you don't change, I can't love you. Because I need to control this. If I can't control this, that I'm not going to feel good about myself. And that's what makes it an unhealthy masculine energy. And I'm not going to get too deep into the masculine and feminine energy. You have two other podcasts that I did with an expert on feminine and masculine energy that you can go listen to. If you want more depth on like what energy serves as where. Because masculine energy is healthy. for women. If we are able to continuously tap into it in a healthy way. But when we're in an unhealthy way, when we're living in our traumas, when we're living in our pain, when we don't want to look inside, when we don't really want to look at our own shadows, we don't really want to look at the things that make us unhappy. We're going to deflect that and we're going to look outwards instead of inwards. And a, man's going to feel that energy in a man's going to get really turned off by that. And you're going to get turned off by it too, because I, gosh, I have so many women that come into my world and they're like, I'm not even attracted to my man anymore. And that's because you're in your masculine, how you need polarity in a relationship for sexual energy to be, you know, to move right. If. We all have feminine and masculine energy. Of course. But if two people are in their feminine energy too much, there's not polarity there. If a woman and a man is in healthy, masculine, and healthy feminine, then there's polarity. Then there's attraction. There is a give and take there's a pool and gift. There's not two people pushing and pulling. That's not attractive. Right. We want that polarity. But we almost do it to ourselves when we. I start mothering when we start smothering, when we start changing them. Instead of just clearly voicing things that are important to us. And being okay. If that person doesn't want to go there. And another thing I want to say about this is. Men will do. Almost anything for us. I had my previous guests talked about feminine, masculine energy. She went to such a great point. She said, most men, healthy masculine men. We'll do almost anything for the woman that they love. And this is true. Men want to lead protect. They want to feel like they've done good in your eyes. And so if you're in this mothering energy and they feel like they're constantly just like nothing I do is good enough. Nothing I do is good enough. They will throw in the towel and give up. Not on themselves. They'll continue off on their lives and doing what they want, but they will give up wanting to impress you. They will give up wanting to please you, they will give up wanting to be there for you. They will give up wanting to show up as a man. They will give up all those things because they know that that road leads to a dead end. And then that road just leads to yelling. Or that road leads to disconnect. Or that road leads to a really angry woman in her masculine energy. And it's not attractive to them. And so. That's where a lot of cheating comes into play also in a relationship for men or women when men get so emasculated by a woman. They're going to want to feel that need that, that, that excitement, that I can please a woman I can be there and show up for women. So even though most women think the men cheat for physical reasons they do, because that's how they feel the connection, right? Men need sex to feel connection. We need emotional understanding and awareness to feel that connection. So they'll go looking for that, but really what they want us to feel that connection. They want to feel like a man again and vice versa. When a woman feels like she's exhausted. And as she's holding all the different juggling things and she's taking care of the house and she's cooking and she's cleaning and she's. Working on her business and she's taking care of the kids and she's doing all of this and you feel like your man's not stepping up. You're going to probably want a man, right? Like you're, you're going to go somewhere and be like, wow, that, that guy that's actually showing up as a man. And you're going to feel that attraction because there's polarity there with somebody else. And that's where things get a little bit dangerous because that doesn't happen over night, either. It's little things that happen and accumulate, and it creates so much distance in the relationship. And what I truly believe happens gave you the timeline for when we first meet. Right. But then that that's just like the fun part, right? That's like the quote unquote honeymoon stage, which I don't believe has to end. And where it does end is because the reality hits, right? Life hits, things hit stress hits. And no one's willing to talk about the uncomfortable things, what they like, what they don't like, what they want to see, change, what they want to see, improved, how they want to grow. They don't want to have those uncomfortable talks. And when they get hurt, right? So let's say that a man that you speak poorly to a man that you're with, and he feels really degraded by that. If a real man, doesn't speak up to you and say that I don't want to be spoken to, like, this does not feel good. You're going to think that that behavior is acceptable and you're going to do it again and again and again and again, and he's going to create resentment. And vice versa. If a man doesn't show up or do the things that you want him to, and you don't say anything and you just take it, you're going to hold resentment. You're going to start acting out on that resentment. He's going to be all confused because most men think everything is final. As we point out, like, no, I'm not happy with X, Y, and Z, and that's going to create resentment and that disconnect and that disconnect and that disconnect. And eventually you're going to become two separate people that you don't even recognize anymore. And now that I gave you that whole background story of like, okay, you really can't change him. Well, what happens when we're not happy in a relationship? What happens when it's been five, 10 years and things are changing, things are evolving and you guys are maybe growing apart in some way, or, or maybe it's the beginning of the relationship, but your goals and your visions aren't matching up or. You know what happens then, because I truly do believe that we can. Lead each other in different ways and we can influence each other. We actually will influence each other, whether we want it or not. Right. Your relationship is your soil. So if you are walking into a relationship with somebody whose soil is toxic. That relationship is going to become toxic and it's going to affect you and vice versa. So I do believe we're going to influence each other, just inadvertently as, as dumb as like the sounds like I eat a little bit more sugar now because TJ has such a sweet tooth and he eats a little healthier because I care about my health and I'm cooking more at home and stuff. So even the small things you're going to rub off on each other. But with the big things, if there's not. A common similarity. Like if you guys don't see eye to eye on big things, like religion, politics, money. I don't know, food behaviors, whatever travel, I don't know, things that are important in your life. But you don't see eye to eye on those. The conversation needs to be, how do you see it? I respect it. I can see it. I can hold space for it. This is how I see it. How can we come into a middle ground with it? Right. So if you're already in the relationship, right. Of you've already, hopefully had the bigger talks at the beginning, and now things are changing because we are going to always grow and evolve. And so who we are now is not going to be who we are in a year or two. Right. So we're going to have different things that are important to us. I'm constantly evolving and growing. Like TJ is in for a whirlwind. I mean, from the moment he met me, I'm so different even now. And I'm going to be different in six months and in a year, and then another year and a half and two years. And I'm constantly growing and evolving, but that's one of the things that I was attracted to with him as a, he's constantly trying to grow and evolve as well. So as we're doing that, there has to be check-ins right. So like I've actually grown bigger in my faith with God. I wasn't very close to God when I met TJ. And he told me this is important to me. I'm not going to force it on you because I truly believe that if God is real, that he will show himself to you. And that gave me the space and allowed me the time to be like, okay, I mean, God was already like knocking on my door. So it wasn't like, I was like an atheist and I was like, I don't believe in God. Of course I believed in God, but I believed in God very loosely and I had questioned way too much for too long. And so he allowed me that space. And for him, he knows I love being healthy. And I love working out and I love doing these things as time is limited now, but we have talked about, okay, how can we incorporate healthier habits into our life? And I go into like cleanses of not drinking or eating healthier foods or doing these things. And I don't expect him to do that. He lives a whole different life. Between the morning and the nighttime he's out, running around, he gets fast food sometimes. I'm not trying to change that about him because that's right now, that's the chapter in the season that he is in life. And even though he values his health, sometimes he doesn't have time to do the extra thing and eat healthy. And so I'm not trying to change him, but I do want to influence him to eat healthier because we both have the common goal to live a happy, healthy life, and grow old together. Right. So again, the values have to be there. And even if you don't see eye to eye on something, You have to be able to hold each other's hold respect for one another. And then, and then the Mo this is the most important thing I'm going to say the whole episode. Then you have to continue leading yourself. To what's important to you. You have to continue being who you are in the relationship and leading yourself through that. And that's how you influence one another. It's not. It was not like, well, TJ wasn't like, well, I kind of believe in God too, but it's important for me to believe in God. So if, unless you really believe in God, I won't be able to do it too. So I need you to believe so I can believe. That that wouldn't have worked. I would have felt so much pressure and been like, well, no, thank you. Like. I don't know that I want to do this. And like, religion's a big one. Right? So. B so convicted, no yourself so much. And this is what I work on with my girls. It's like, you have to know yourself so well. That you continuously lead yourself in the relationship. And as you lead yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually. We are multipliers, right? There's that? Steve Harvey. Quota reel or whatever that was going around. Social media, that women are multipliers. If a man brings you peace, you multiply it. If a brand, if a man brings home money, you're going to multiply. We are multipliers. There's not one person I've been with whose life I haven't enhanced. And that was when I wasn't even in my healthiest. But I can lead myself. I can leave myself emotionally. I can leave myself physically and even spiritually. Without TJ, right. Still do things that feel good to me. Even the, we are so close now spiritually to, and with God. I'm able to talk to God on my own. I don't expect a rate for TJ to be around for me to do it. Even though we've created really healthy habits around this together, which feels really good. You have to be able to continuously lead yourself. I can't say, well, I'm not going to eat healthy, or I'm gonna eat unhealthy. Now that TJ is around because he likes ordering out more. No, I, that eating healthy is something that's really important to me. So I'm going to do it. Of course, I'm going to be adaptable and have flexibility that maybe a couple of nights a week or whatever we order out or we don't cook or we eat something a little less healthy. And that's how you morph together. That's how you become one without changing each other. That's how you become one, which is influencing each other. And always continuously growing and evolving. Without needing to change him. And so before I end this episode, I'm gonna leave you with this. And then this is going to be like, I really want you to sit with this, like the rest of the day or for the next few days. Why do you feel the need to want to change your partner? What about him frustrates you? What about him? A noise? You? What about what potential in him? Do you see that he doesn't see for himself? What is it that you really want him to change? And for what reason? And then turn it around and ask yourself, why do those things bother you? And have you been doing those things for yourself? Because everyone's a reflection of us or a mirror, so if you're constantly feeling like I want to change these things about them, and this is so annoying and why are they doing this? Most likely 99% of the time. You're ignoring those parts of yourself and you're not willing to go there. You're not willing to put in that time and the effort into yourself. Because maybe you don't feel worthy, maybe feel like no one's ever done that for you. You don't even know where to start or how to even. Get there. And so really step into that and ask yourself those deeper questions. And if you need even extra help, I have a worksheet that you can just download and has like really great questions to find your true, authentic self, and to really just rediscover yourself. And the links in the footnotes. So they can just download it there. But really lean into that and figure out. How can I give more to myself and you'll see that the moment you start pouring into yourself, you become so magnetic, your mad won't be able to resist you anymore. Like he's going to want to be around your energy. So much more, you're going to be able to take off that heavy masculine shield that you have on around him. And you're going to be able to lean into your femininity more because you're going to feel that love that validation from yourself without needing to have it from him by changing him. And that he's going to just reciprocate. Reciprocate that, and actually give you that love and validation because he sees you giving it to yourself. And that's all I have for you guys. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. And if you want to work further with me, if you really want to get into this, and if you really want to like, how can, if you asking yourself now, like, well, how, okay I can do the worksheet, but I actually want to go a little bit deeper, messaged me. Let's work together. Let's see if one-on-one coaching is actually for you and I'm still working. And I'm in the process of creating something amazing for all my muses. So they have. a place where they can find what they need. At their fingertips. So again, thank you for tuning in and I will talk to you guys next week. As we come to the close of this episode, I want to express my heartfelt gratitude and admiration for you. Taking the time to show up for yourself is an act of self love. And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who might benefit. And also, if you love this episode, please rate and review us. When you do, screenshot your review and email it to us for a special gift. Our Rediscover Yourself Worksheet. This worksheet includes exercises to help you uncover your authentic self, and assess the areas of your life that are misaligned with the true you. Email it to info at maria fuentes dot net. Also stay connected with us on social media for updates and more inspiration. You can find all this information in the show notes. Again, thank you for being here and I cannot wait to continue this journey together.