5 Things I Don’t Do to Keep My Relationship Healthy.

In this episode, I’m sharing the five things I DON'T do to keep my relationship healthy and strong. We dive into why I never speak negatively about my partner to others and how protecting that energy is essential. I also discuss the importance of giving your partner a sense of purpose instead of emotionally dumping, fostering communication, vulnerability, and boundaries that help deepen your connection. You’ll hear why I don’t worry about cheating, how I’ve become my own source of happiness, and the hardest lesson of all—letting my partner think for himself, even when I don’t agree. If you’re looking for real, empowering insights to strengthen your relationship while staying true to yourself, this episode is for you!

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Transcript

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I I've done the thing before where I'm like, I don't speak my emotions and really, I just want to be taken care of and hugged and loved. And I'm not saying that. And then I'm presenting and then I'm overdoing and then I'm so pissed off that he's not getting it. And why doesn't he understand it? What's wrong and nothing's wrong. And. I've done the, the cat and mouse game way too many times Hello, my beautiful muses. And welcome back to this week's episode. I want to talk about relationships today. And a few things that I do five to be specific, five things that I do. In order to keep my relationship healthy. Or five things that I don't do in order to keep my relationships healthy. I was inspired by one of my favorite podcasters. Catherine's in Kita, she's all about abundance and like money energetics and all that. And she did a five thing she doesn't do in order to keep her energy clean. And I was like, well, Let's talk about five things I don't do in my relationship in order to keep it healthy. And this has come from obviously experience with doing the opposite and it not working out and my divorce and my past relationships and just things that I've learned and also things that TJ I have talked through that we know we would, we would be really unhealthy and. And standards and boundaries that I have for myself and in the relationship and that he has as well. And so I want to start with saying that even though these are more of what things that I don't do in my relationship. I think they're important for all of us to try to carry in our own relationship because it, that keeps it healthy. And I truly believe that not only in my own experience, but just listening to relationship therapist and hearing them when I worked with relationship therapists and reading books on relationships and just dynamics of healthy relationships, most of the people that have healthy relationships. Don't do these five things. And that is because everything is energy. And if you put negative energy into relationship, you're going to get negativity back. So with that being said, I'll start off with my very first one. And that is that I, I do not. Talk poorly about TJ to anyone. And I have been. Guilty of this in the past, I used to call and bitch and complain about my ex-husband to people or about my ex-boyfriend to people. And I let so many energies into my world when it came to my partner. And the truth is that that person is your person. You chose to be with them. You are choosing to create a life with that partner that you have. So why would, if anyone, why would you be the one to talk negatively about that person? If you're going through a rough time or that person's driving you crazy or they're being annoying. Of course, all these things can happen. But who should you talk to about that? First is them and only them really, you can share your experience about what you're going through and the struggles. And I've done that with like my nieces or I have a girlfriend that I've called because she's into somatic healing and sematic practices. And I'm like, Hey, I'm going through these emotions in my relationship right now. What do you think of them? And I, and I only bring up anything that I'm being challenged with in my relationship to people that I know are going to help me. Grow through it. Instead of calling my friend to bitch about TJ. Just to get, oh my gosh girl, like of course. Oh my gosh, girl. Like how annoying and for that person to talk shit about TJ too, like that is unacceptable in my world. My relationship with my partner is sacred. And, and so I hold that sacred. I hold them the energy that I bring on. About him sacred as well. I wouldn't want somebody to talk poorly about him. So why would I do it myself? And I think we do this a lot because we become enemies with our partners. If they do something we don't like and it's repeated, and it happens often instead of just talking and having healthy communication around it and really being vulnerable about, Hey, I don't like this. This needs to change. Or this is the standard. This is the boundary. We hold those things in. And then as women, because we're emotional creatures, we have to unload on somebody. So we call her girlfriends or we call her mom or whoever on whoever we know we're going to get that. Validation from right. That we're, we're not crazy that we should feel that way. And then that makes us feel good. But does that really take away the problem? Like think of any time that you've called anyone to talk about your partner, your spouse. And you felt really good after, and it cleansed everything away. Sometimes you do just need to like cleanse and, and unload. And I think journaling is helpful for that. Or maybe if, if you need extra help, if you're going through like a really tough time in your relationship. Then hire help, like hire a therapist, a relationship coach, a mentor. Or if you, if you're religious or if you need to go to church, like find people that are going to help you and him navigate that. Not they're just going to condone your behavior or the way you're thinking, because that's not healthy. And we can sit here until we're blue in the face and think like, well, we're supposed to vent. Like we should vent to people on. A mess. There's going to be something positive that comes out of the venting. Why vent, especially if it's going to be negative right now, if you called your girlfriend and you were like, oh my gosh, I'm going through this challenge with my boyfriend, my partner, my husband, whoever. And you say, you know, I could've done this better and I'm feeling really frustrated. And if it's a conversation of how, like, what are your thoughts and were like, helped me see what I'm even doing wrong. I think that could be healthy. Because we're allowing somebody on the outside to also call you out on your shit, because guess what? He might be annoying. You guys might be in a fight, blah, blah, blah. He might be frustrating, but it takes two to tango. There's no fights. There's no arguments. It does not take two people. So there's never a winner or loser in, in rough times. It's two people with two different perspectives trying to do life together. So I'm challenging you even with this, like, I'm sure. Some of you are like rolling your eyes, like, oh, what I have to vent. And he's so annoying. I challenge you to really lean into that and be vulnerable with that person about how you feel and in it not attack full way, because I think that makes a big difference to. And since I'm on the topic of emotions, I'm going to go into number two. Which is I do not emotionally unload on him. I am. Probably one of the most emotional people. I know. I am a Pisces. I'm a reflector in the human design. I don't know if a lot of, you know, what human design is. If you don't and you know, your time of birth, go Google human design and put that in there. It gives you so much clarity on how to make decisions and how to understand yourself to a higher level. And reflectors was just such absorbers. We absorb everything, energies like. We're so interconnected and then I have Pisces or we're deep, and we're like, so interconnected to all the other signs where the last Zodiac sign and all these things. And so I'm very. Deep into deep water sometimes. And there's times that I'm like, I, gosh, I'm like just feeling sad. You know, so like I have an array of emotions in one given day, I can go through like Ali, all of the emotions. And so if I weren't stable enough in my emotions, it would be easy for me to just unload that on TJ. But the truth is that no one deserves, unless you're talking about a therapist or somebody you're paying. To unload on no one deserves to be unloaded on because it's a lot to carry. Like, if you, if your friend called you in the middle of the day and you're busy, you're doing a thousand things and your friend called you and unloaded. All her drama, all her intense emotions on you. After that call, you're going to feel exhausted. It's going to be exhausting. So imagine your partner who is energetically a lot more connected to you, then. A friend that you might not see as often if your partner comes home and you're unloading on him emotionally, or you're letting him know about everything. You've thought about the last two weeks. And you're just dumping, dumping, dumping. That's not going to be helpful. And so I process my emotions very internally and by crying and by journaling, by doing EFT. By walking, by being in nature. I process them. And now that we live together, sometimes he's sees me in the midst of me processing it. And I don't react to him. So even if let's say he did something that upset me while I'm in the midst of this, like emotional. Moment or like a lot of, a lot of things that are happening and I feel emotionally overwhelmed. I let him know. Hey, I feel really overwhelmed and frustrated today. I just let him know how I feel. I'm like sometimes I don't have it. I'll figure it out. Where does it come from? Where did they come from? Did it come from yesterday? They come from a week ago that it come from what happened at work today? I don't know. I don't know. I don't have all the answers. And I will tell him that sometime I'm like, I don't have all the answers, but this is just a state that I'm in. And I get, how can I help you? How can I support you from him? That's what I get back because. I'm not unloading on him. I'm not letting him be the holder of all my emotions and the expecting him to make it better. I'm letting him know, like, Hey, I'm working through some stuff and this is like, I do want to clarify, this is me. Working through my own emotions about my own things going on in life. It doesn't have to do with him. So if let's say something emotional happened between the two of us like him and I, I will, I would actually probably work at the same way. If I feel really heated and angry. I'm, I'm going to try to take a step back, take a breather and tell them, Hey, let's talk in a little bit, or I'm not ready to talk about this. And I'm going to let him know the same way I feel really frustrated or I feel. Annoyed or I feel overwhelmed or I feel really sad that that happened or whatever I'm feeling. And then as I'm processing and more comes through, then I let him in on that. But I don't just emotionally dump on him and make him responsible for my emotions. And I think that's healthy because men are not emotional creatures like us. Everything's not interconnected like it is for us. So for them. They have no idea how we could feel one thing today to happen two weeks ago. That we connected to what happened this morning as well. And that a future scenario that we're creating in our head about two weeks from now. But we don't understand how we could do that. They're like what the fuck is going on with her? I don't know. Right? Like they can't put, they can't piece it together. And. And to be honest, I think as women, we have a hard time piecing it together because we don't allow ourselves that time to really process it. It has to be. It has to be scheduled, at least for me, I'm like, okay. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need to go on a walk. I need to take care of myself. So imagine if it's hard for us women, the feelers of all these emotions, the feelers of all these energies. If it's hard for us to analyze where it's even coming from. What to do with it. Imagine when we emotionally dump it on a man, they don't know what to do. And they're natural fixers. They're natural leaders. They. Naturally, we just want to make it better. But if we're emotionally unloading without really wanting a result, sometimes we just want to like, let it all out and have them just listen to us. They're like, well, I don't know what to do. And to be honest, I've gotten really good at letting him know what, like how I feel at that moment or what I'm going through and what I'm processing. And when he asked me, how can I support you? What can I do for you? I'm very honest about that too. If I don't know, I'm like, I have no idea if I do know, and I'm like, Hey, have you take care of dinner tonight? That'd be great. Or I just need extra hugs. There's that week right before my period where I'm like, Oh, and my hormones I've been crazy lately where I'm like, I just need a lot of hugs today. Like I know, like I I've done the thing before where I'm like, I don't speak my emotions and really, I just want to be taken care of and hugged and loved. And I'm not saying that. And then I'm presenting and then I'm overdoing and then I'm so pissed off that he's not getting it. And why doesn't he understand it? What's wrong and nothing's wrong. And. I've done the, the cat and mouse game way too many times. And I'm like, I'm cutting to the chase. I need more hugs. I need extra attention. Maybe I need us to go on a massage, just get a massage. Maybe I need a glass of wine. No, I let him know though. At the moment, what I need. From him. And then that gives them purpose. Right. So if they're fixers, give him something to do. Like it's, it's literally that easy don't emotionally dump. Be vulnerable, give them something to do. And then you're both happy. Uh, he's happy because he feels like the hero. He gives me extra hugs. He got me a glass of wine. He cooked dinner that night, whatever it is that I needed. And I feel good because I didn't hold that all in. And then. Rush through like a damn volcano. Like we're all Dorman, volcanoes, where we were so powerful. It was when, and I think to a certain extent, we'd like when we feel like they're tiptoeing around us, because we feel like that that's love. Oh, they're a little like scared and they're like, oh, what do you need? And they're a little worried about how to even come to us. We're like, I have, I'm powerful. No, that's not real power. That's having them walk on eggshells and that's not, that's not study for them. And then they're not going to want to connect with you. You're making them feel that way constantly. And so number three. I do not worry. About him cheating on me. And I think. A lot of the times, this is hard for us women because we think. Well, what if there's somebody prettier out there? What if there's somebody smarter out there? What if there's somebody more appealing? What if there's. And the answer is there's always going to be like, of course, there's going to be somebody better looking than me out in the world while he's working. I'm sure he's going to, he's going to have so many different energies. that. Might be better than we quote unquote better than me, but guess what I know. And I'm so confident in myself that I know. I carry all of those trains and no one else can carry it like me because there's only one of me. And so I'm confident in my ability to know that he will never find someone like me ever again, one and two. That was a hard boundary for me. And I spoke about this to him. Being cheated on as an absolute, no. It will end our relationship because that is a big, no, for me. And the reason is a big, no. It's not because I'm an extremist or anything. I think that women that forgive cheating are actually really powerful and really strong because they're willing to go there with a man. And where there is is the depths of their soul. I used to I've cheated before I used to be a tutor. Okay. I know when I cheated how dark my soul fell and how unfulfilled and unhappy I was. And it's taken me years to get to this happy place. So at this stage, in my life and for the rest of my life, I'm not willing to go through the depths. Of their dark souls for them to figure themselves out, whoever it is my husband to figure himself out, or I guess my fiance to send my husband yet. I'm not willing to go there with him. If he was willing to go there instead of working on himself. And so I think that, like I said, women, that aren't able to do that, like props to you, I think that takes a lot. I've just been through way too much shit in my life. And I've gotten my shit together that I don't have the energy to try to fix a man in that sense, or to have that nurturing empathy for him. If he's willing to cheat and go there, because I think that that's like, that's a step that you took as a man. Knowing the consequences and you felt like it was okay. So that's a huge boundary for me. So to add to that point is. If TJ knows this and he's willing to go there. Losses on him. Like he's going to lose the best thing that's ever happened to him, to be honest. So I, I'm very confident in myself too, and I'm not confident in a cocky way. I'm confident in a, I know what I bring to the table and I know how fucking hard I've worked on my shit. So. I don't have to worry about him cheating, because guess what? The energy that it takes to be worried about. Who's out there. Who's talking to him. Is he looking at other women? Blah, blah, blah. Like if that's what he wants at the end of the day of a, man's going to cheat a, man's going to cheat. Pour that energy into you and see how magnetic you become that he won't even think about cheating. That is my advice on that one. All right. Number four. I do not rely on TJ to bring me happiness. I don't rely on him to be my, my source of happiness. And gosh, she brings me so much happiness. So how can the two co-exist while easy? Easy and not easy. Right? Easy, easily said and harder to do. I pour so much into myself that I'm already so happy within myself. That he's just a great addition. And to be honest, I wouldn't be able to allow him to make me so happy if I wasn't so happy within myself already. Think of all the times and maybe like a nice guy wanted to date you and you pushed him away and you thought, oh, he's so needy. He's so annoying. If we don't feel worthy, if we don't feel like we deserve something, we will push it away. So every time I think of like, oh, well I'm unhappy right now on my feeling unhappy today. Or. Oh, gosh, it's benefit like a couple of weeks. And yes, things have happened in my life, but why am I still feeling unhappy? I go back to, how can I give to myself? Because I know that if I can get myself back to feeling really happy and good about myself, I will be able to receive the happiness at TJ will bring to my life and become a source of attraction to it instead of a repellent. If I am miserable and see, just trying to make me happy, I'm going to repel it. It's going to be innate. It's going to come natural for me to be like, oh no, thank you. I don't want that because I'm not happy within myself. I do things daily. I show up for myself, spiritually, mentally, and physically every single day. And the days that I can't, I double it up the next day, or I try to do at least little micro things throughout the day. They make me feel better. I don't delay gratification. I don't delay pleasure. I understand that in order for me to become magnetic to everything I want and to be truly happy, I have to be happy right now in the, now in the present, not. five years from now when I have everything I want not two months from now, when the thing hits or the other, that goal finishes. That's not going to bring me happiness. I know I need to find the happiness now. And sometimes they're like, so micro, like the moments are so micro it's, like turning on a candle. Getting a new journal. Like getting a new pen going on a walk in nature, smelling the fresh air, seeing the sunrise. It's the little things that make me so happy and then I get to enjoy them and share them with him. And like my life with him. And then that just brings on so much more joy. And of course, if I'm not feeling happy in the relationship, that's a conversation to have. So I'm not seeing it in that sense. I think. We first have to become a source of happiness within ourselves. And then of course, if there's things that need to be talked about in a relationship, or you need to find happiness within the relationship, then you both work on that together. But my fulfillment, my happiness is not. Reliant on him at all. Alright. And the last one, this is, this was the hardest one for me I don't. Try to change the way he thinks about something. Even if I don't agree with it. And why is this hard? Because I am a very opinionated. Independent woman. The knows what she wants, knows what she likes. And I'm very convicted on the things that I believe in. And so like, I've I believe something is a certain way. I'm like, everyone should think this, like, everyone should believe this. And it's, it's why I'm a mentor to women. It's because I truly believe that things have gotten me to where I'm at right now helped me and they help others. Then they can change people's lives. And so. I have to really remember every single time that I hear him say something that I don't agree with, or that let's say like, things are going on with his family or his life or his, um, employees or anything in his realm in his life. I'm like, okay, I always remind myself, first of all, I try to actively listen. I think as women we're fixers and we're doers and we're in our masculine energy a lot, which is a good thing, because that helps us get things done. Masculine energy becomes unhealthy when we tried to fix other people's problems. And so when he's telling me I'm actively listening in the past and it's something I struggle with still. I listened to people waiting to respond. Like I already know embarrassed ones is going to be where I'm going to take the conversation where I think that they should go and all these things. So first I actively listened to him whenever he talks to me and opens up, I actively listen. I think him for sharing. You know how hard it is for men to open up about anything. Like it's hard for us. Imagine them. They've always been told, be a man. Don't talk to me. So I make sure to thank him. I'm like, thank you for sharing that with me. And if I can relate, I'm like, I relate to that or I understand. And then I give them my perspective. Or if I've gone through something similar, I just tell him that. And then I tell him that I'm proud of him for wherever he's at, in that journey, because I realized that just like my mentees. Right. Like the girls that I mentor. Everyone's on a different path and their path is not beneath mine or above mine. Everyone's just on a different path in the big maze of life. And teaches on a different path as well. And he's given me the grace because he is 15 years older than me than when I'm going through stuff. Now, even with my business and everything, he sees, you already see some things because he's like, well, I've been here, but he just gives me his perspective and gives me advice, but doesn't try to fix it or change it. And so it's finding that balance of like, how can I hold space for you? What do you need right now? How can I help you? Now, how can I change you? How can I fix you? I'm not trying to. Make him agree or think the ways that I think, right. And that, that also takes a lot of selfless leadership. I lead myself through my life and he leaves himself through his life. And we just help each other. We introvertedly are always going to influence each other. And I think that's a good, healthy thing to be. But especially when your partner is talking to you about something, try not to fix it or change it. And just like really respect. I think that's. Number five is like, I. Part of it's like, I really respect TJ. I respect his journey. I respect the way he processes things. I respect how he analyzes things. Like I respect him. So even if I don't agree with it, I'm like he, this is his journey. He's going to find a good balance is gonna find a good place for himself. In this. And so I would say these might not be the only five things I don't do in my relationship in order to keep it healthy. But I did believe when I was writing these down, um, in order to make this episode, I did believe that these were the most important ones. That I've consciously not done in order to keep my health, my relationship healthy. So I hope this helped, and I hope that you can relate to it in some way. And even if you start just with one. Start to practice it and just really like hone into it. And if you're having some issues with like, well, I don't know how to lead myself and it's easier to try to like fix them and change them. And. Judge them and do all these things like let's work together. Let's see if I can mentor you. One-on-one see if that is a good option for you. I am very honest. If you go into my DMS, I'm not going to try to ever sell you on mentoring you, because I don't believe that I have to force somebody to want to be mentored. I believe that the women that come into my life, they're ready for it. And so I don't try to ever convince anyone and if somebody leaves and then they come back, I'm here and I'm open. And when I can't help somebody, when I'm like, Hey, I don't know that this is going to be a good fit. I let them know I'm actually working on something that's going to help you. It's coming soon. But maybe start with therapy. I know this therapist or here's this other coach that I have. Sometimes it's just good to know that somebody could be a good resource. So if nothing else, if you're listening to this and you're like, I actually want to get better at this. Like how can I do this? DM me like really? I promise you DM me and I will just chit chat with you. And I want to find ways to help you, even if it's not me personally, if I just know somebody I'm very well connected. So even if I know somebody, I would love to help you. And I hope you guys enjoyed this episode and I can't wait to talk to you guys next week. As we come to the close of this episode, I want to express my heartfelt gratitude and admiration for you. Taking the time to show up for yourself is an act of self love. And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who might benefit. And also, if you love this episode, please rate and review us. When you do, screenshot your review and email it to us for a special gift. Our Rediscover Yourself Worksheet. This worksheet includes exercises to help you uncover your authentic self, and assess the areas of your life that are misaligned with the true you. Email it to info at maria fuentes dot net. Also stay connected with us on social media for updates and more inspiration. You can find all this information in the show notes. Again, thank you for being here and I cannot wait to continue this journey together.