Finding Love After Abuse and Betrayal: How I Learned to Trust Again

“How do you trust again after betrayal, abuse, and heartbreak?” It’s a question so many survivors ask, and in this episode, Mandi and her partner open up about their journey of finding love after trauma. Mandi shares how she rebuilt trust after leaving an abusive marriage—only to discover her ex was wanted by the FBI for multiple bank robberies. 

Together, Mandi and her hubby discuss the fears, challenges, and unexpected joys of starting over, blending a family, and creating a relationship built on safety, respect, and love. If you’ve ever wondered whether love after trauma is possible, this conversation is for you.

LESSONS LEARNED

Rebuilding Trust Takes Time and Intuition – After a traumatic relationship, rebuilding trust required deep self-reflection, personal growth, and learning to trust intuition when evaluating a new partner’s character.

Recognizing Red Flags and Green Flags – Signs of trustworthiness included consistency, integrity, and genuine interest, while red flags (like love bombing or lack of emotional regulation) were now easier to spot.

Healing Before Entering a New Relationship – Time spent working on personal healing and emotional growth was crucial before stepping into a new relationship to avoid past mistakes.

Navigating Dating as a Parent – Introducing a new partner to a child was done carefully and gradually to ensure emotional safety.

Managing Fears of a New Relationship – Fears of repeating past trauma or being "too damaged" were addressed through open communication, therapy, and patience.

Blended Family Challenges Require Flexibility – Adjusting to new family dynamics was a process that required patience, open dialogue, and a willingness to adapt.

RESOURCES

EHarmony.com Dating App

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Reach Mandi through her website AwareAndPrepared.Life or Instagram @WomenAwareAndPrepared

Transcript

 Hey, brave one. Welcome to another episode of the aware and prepared podcast.  I'm your host, Mandy Pratt, a trained domestic violence victim advocate, self defense teacher and professional speaker who helps those feeling vulnerable, learn emotional self defense and how to be street smart. You deserve to live in peace and safety. 

Stick around to hear safety tips that will help us enjoy empowered lives. Let's leave worry behind so we can be savvy, aware, and prepared.    

Hello, welcome back to the aware and prepared podcast. Today I have a special guest. I always say that because every guest is special,  but today I have my life partner sitting right next to me, my husband, Aaron. 

, great to be here. Today I wanted to address. A couple of different questions. 

I get all the time. And. I wanted to give a little background to that and then go into some questions for both me and Aaron. 

 So I am remarried. I've been remarried for 17 years. Um, I was married to an abusive partner before.  And we were married for 11 years and that's when I had my son. So when I divorced, my son was three, four. And then when I met my new husband, um, my son was almost five. So just giving a backdrop on.  Timing. 

And now my son is 23. So that was a while ago.

We can go over some questions that I get often, and then just some questions to help. Frame all of that. So some of them I will answer and some of them Aaron will answer or we'll both answer.  So, first of all, let me back up as well and talk about our relationship. So. We met. Online. So that was a long time ago. 

That was like 18, 19 years ago.  And that's kind of when dating online started and we met through E harmony and that's because I was a single mom. I had my little kid with me. He was like four at that time, I believe in.  So I was like, okay, how in the world am I going to meet somebody else? Because I'm just at home, like working from home and trying to raise my son while dealing with post-separation abuse from my former spouse. So it was a lot, and I knew I wasn't going to be going out much, like, and I'm not like a bar person or whatever. 

So. I remember one of my friends telling me.  

You know, Aye.  Met somebody super cool on a harmony in our dating. So I was like, oh, interesting. So I thought, oh, why not? You know, I can always.  Say no, or like not talk to the people. So I went on there and filled out all the info and it was all a lot of info, like, oh my gosh. But that's how they match you so well, and I'm glad that, that they did. So I was mashed with my now husband. Um, And like with a couple other people. 

 Aaron and I, um, started. You know, chatting. And then after a while we decided to meet in person.

When we met in person, we decided to do that in a group. So it wasn't weird, you know, because now I was like, oh my gosh, like, how do I know this guy? Isn't. You know, a psycho. Ax murder or something. I'm not going to go meet him at dark. Um, park in the alley and go, you know, To a restaurant together or something. 

So we decided to meet on a group hike. So our church was having a group hike.  We met up there and I remember. Uh, parking in the parking lot and texting my friend, like, here we go. I don't know what this guy's like. And so I showed up, he showed up. And there were these other people here on the hike. 

We met up and, you know, he was pretty cute and.  We started chatting and come to find out.  We didn't really talk with anybody else. Could we have a lot to talk about just the two of us? So we hit it right off. And of course we decided to have another date, just the two of us. 

Like I think our second date was at a movie, So that was how it started. Yeah, that's what I remembered. I think our second date we met  and we watched a animated movie together. And that was almost our last day because if I remember right, I laughed a lot and it's kind of scared her.  

Yeah, I remember that.  That you're a little bit strange.  

 Now I get your sense of humor.  And now we watched crazy silly Disney movies and we crack up all the time. So yeah.  That was our second date. And then. We went on. Ha, we went on like a bunch of other dates. Was it like five months before you met Caleb? I think it was like three or four. 



All right. And so for the questions we have. Three little sections. We have some questions about trust and safety. We have some questions about new beginnings, and then we have some questions about blended family dynamics.  So I will start in on the trust and safety questions.  You know, people ask me, this is one of the main questions. 

How did you rebuild your trust in relationships after such a traumatic experience? So I was married to somebody who was a narcissist and he ended up, um, being wanted by the FBI for multiple bank robberies. I had the FBI show up at my house.  So, if you haven't heard my story, go back to episode one and two in this podcast, and you can hear that crazy, gnarly story. So.  People ask me, you know, how did you trust somebody else after that? 

How did you know that you could trust.

 It wasn't easy, first of all, but I feel like  I have like these super spidey senses. And I was like extra discerning after that because.  I just feel like. I could spot a narcissist from like,  A thousand miles away after that.  And so I could tell that he was not like that. So he wasn't. Like showy and he wasn't like talking about himself a lot. And he didn't like a love bomb me or do anything like that. 

So, I felt like I could start to trust him slowly. Right. So I was talking with him and then we went on some dates.  Um, And things kind of moved. You know, slowly in the beginning and.  I think it was just mainly like trusting my intuition and talking with God and being like help me out here, you know? So I can really see.  Through all of this and like, see what this person's really like. 

Do they have integrity? That's all I cared about. I just wanted somebody who was, you know, hadn't, I think I had a list. Had integrity was loyal. I was kind, you. Caring. 

Like the outdoors, different things like that. And he fit into those things. 

But it was just, you know, trusting my intuition as well. And.  Just like, how do I feel when I'm around this person? Do I feel weird? Do I feel like something's off? And then listening to that and really paying attention to that.

 Well for me. Um,  Took a lot of work. Um, there was actually a, quite a bit of time from my last relationship before I was ready to start dating again, quite a bit of time. And I used that time to. Work on myself too.  Grow and to mature and really all the things that needed to happen before I could.  

Think about getting into a relationship again. And, you know, not repeat all the mistakes of the past.  So mostly.  Building up trust was really just kind of.  Learning and growing and maturing within myself to. Before I could start a new relationship. That makes sense. That's a good point. Yeah.  We need to work on ourselves in our baggage. 



 And do, and to heal. 

As far as like what specific signs or qualities did he show that made me feel safe with him?  I just kind of mentioned that where he wasn't trying to,  impress me. He was just being himself. 

I think that was, that was definitely something.  That made me feel safe with him and.  You know, him genuinely interested in what I was doing and how we were doing. And. You know what my week was like. And then showing up  on a date and not expecting.  Anything back from me. 

And then. Oh, my gosh, people ask me so much, like.  Red flags, red flags. What did you see the first time? What red flags did you see any, 

It just makes me think. Yes. Okay. We can see red flags. I saw one big red flag and that was it. From my former. Spouse. And I didn't heat it because I never knew like, how do I listen to my intuition? What does that look like? And, you know,  If I look into this thing and it is bad.  Then at least I have the info and I can progress further if I want to, but like, I didn't have any of that training. 

So sometimes I feel like we can see red flags, but then kind of just tuck them away and be like, oh, I'm just going to rationalize that away because you know, like with my first spouse, I didn't see anything else. Like I didn't see any of that. Behavior when I was with him. So I just thought, oh, like maybe that was made up that I heard about, or maybe.  You know, I don't know, but you know, your intuition, that's your subconscious. That's your survival mechanism and that's.  Telling you, Hey, Hey. 

Hey, pay attention. Um, so people, you know, will ask me about this too.  Any red flags that you are more attuned to after your first experiences and.  It's just basically what I was mentioning, like integrity. Is this person the same? You know, when there's something upsetting going on, is he calm, cool, and collected? Yes, you're allowed to get upset, but I mean, is he going to.  You know, have anger management issues, that kind of thing. 

What is he like when he's upset? 

What is he like when he's happy? What is he like when all of these things right. So it took some time to see that.  There was also a funny coincidence. Um, small world. How are family friends knew each other. So that was like a big check, like, okay. Like somebody else knows him.  And he gets the okay from them. 

That was super helpful.

Um, so I'll let Aaron talk about how did you rebuild your trust and relationships? From, you know, your past cause Aaron was married before as well and have like some toxic relationships. So I'll let him talk on that. 

Okay. And then for new beginnings, a couple of questions on new beginnings.  How did I navigate dating while being a parent? I've been asked that as well. Gosh back then.

 My son was little so.  I wanted to keep my sons safe emotionally too. And all of that. So.  We went on some dates by ourselves before Aaron even got to meet my son and he got to meet him. 

Like my son was on a playground. It was just like, oh, by the way, Hey, here's my new friend. His name is Aaron. Uh, yeah. So, yeah, he's cool. Right? And I don't know. I didn't say that, but you know, just meet him here he is. Okay. And then my son was like, whatever, I'm going to keep playing.  And then, , we'd go out to lunch with him or we'd go.  Um, to the zoo with Aaron. 

So Aaron has a daughter who's older. So at that point she was 16. And so I remember taking them both to the zoo and she didn't live with us. She lived in a different part of the state with her mom. So she would only come visit us sometimes. So. She wasn't like growing up with us.

Another question. 

What were your biggest fears about getting into a new relationship after a previous marriage? So,  

Yes, biggest fears were of course, that it was going to flop, right. Or that I was going to start seeing some of the same things that felt scary. 

For example. If Aaron got mad, you know, that would scare me a little bit first because I was like, my PTSD was re-triggered from my former spouses, anger, outbursts, and abuse and stuff. But then.  I could see that  Aaron,  he's angry at something, you know, like the host spicket broke off or something. But he wasn't going to hurt me  it was it's safe.  Um, so just having like time to see those different experiences. 

Let's see other biggest fears about going into a new relationship after a previous marriage. 

So of course, like I mentioned, having it not work out. Um, thinking that I was carrying in too much baggage. That I would be somehow like too damaged or something. But I remember talking about that with Aaron and he was like, you know, we'll figure it out together and it will be okay. And I was still getting counseling at that point. 

So it was really helping. We did get counseling together too beforehand. So I feel like that was helpful.

And then the last question about new beginnings would be, were there moments when you questioned, if this relationship would work and how did you handle those? So people ask me that too. Heck. Yeah. There were moments when I wondered if this relationship would work. When we got married, it was, it was pretty difficult. 

You know, just, just took it like day by day and week by week. To see how it would go and. How the soul workout and the different dynamics. Between all of this.

We just kind of went with the flow 

so.  People ask me a lot too. How did you introduce your child to your new partner? And what was that experience like? 

I was just very guarded with.  Kayla. I wanted to make sure that he didn't get hurt. Like I mentioned,  Um, so I think we already went over that. And then.

Were there any challenges in creating harmony as a blended family? How did you overcome that for sure? You know, it's like here I am with my child and then here's my new friend and he meets him and he likes him and all that. But.  You know, and then we get married and we live together. And so of course,  There were challenges and I never like pushed.  Aaron onto Kayla, like, Hey Kayla, have you really got to.  Like him or whatever. 

I didn't push anybody into anything. I just let things happen as they were going to,  it, it took. A while, like I remember, especially when you're first married, you know,  That was quite a shift for all of us, but.

I was just super supportive,  to Caleb and making sure that he was happy. And it was hard too, because we moved.  You know, to move in with Aaron at the city that he was living in. And then Caleb had to start up at that school district. And.  Um,  You know, that was tricky. He was making new friends and, you know, that was a whole thing. 

So.  Yeah, but just. 

Gosh, taking it. A day at a time. And then,  Trying to be supportive.

So all that Erin chime in about that. 

 So, yeah, that was, uh, It was kind of challenging at first. 

I mean, apart from the normal things, going to the beach and going, you know, I'm doing fun things that that's kind of easy with a five-year-old. But, um, What I've kind of discovered is my personality and Kalos personality were very, very different.  And, uh, so yeah, we had to find some things that were common ground. Uh, for instance, one thing that Kayla. Always was into, even when he was little as he just loves sports. 

And when he wasn't playing sports, he loved to watch sports and follow sports.  Which is not me at all. Good mark a brainiac.  I can. That people that play sports. Don't have brains.  That you're more into.  Um, I don't know. Okay. I think other things. Yeah. So, but we did find some common ground, um, in, I introduced him to mountain biking. And we got him a used mountain bike and he really enjoyed that. 

And we went, uh, all over the local mountains in our mountain bikes. And then we'd go to. Another thing that we really enjoyed together was Panda express. So it was mountain biking and Panda express. Uh, when, when.  And so we would also do other outdoor things, hiking. Uh, when he got a little older and a little stronger, uh, we would. Uh, do some pretty arduous hikes. 

Uh, I remember we summited, uh, our local tallest mountain, which is no small feat. And, uh, he did that when he was still.  Oh, gosh, I don't know. 13, 14, first time I took them up there. Yeah. So we definitely had some things that were common ground. Um, we should say, what is Panda express for people who don't know what that is?  Fast food. Fast food. 

Yeah.  

Another point though, that was. Uh, pretty difficult right off the bat was.  

Discipline the whole issue of discipline. And the family that I grew up in and the family that Mandy grew up in were very different in their approaches to discipline. And really the way my father disciplined me was all I knew. So I felt as the new father of the house, I should be at least involved in. If not leading. Um, The topic of discipline or, um, guidance, or this is what you did wrong. 

This is what we, you know, that whole thing.  And because of, I think mostly because of our personality differences. That did not go well.  That just, it just didn't work. And he just rebelled at any attempt for me to set boundaries on. His life. And so the good thing is.  I recognize this within a year or two, I believe. Um, I recognize just how poorly. My policies were going. 

And, um, I'd say, you know what?  Mandy does such. A better job at this than I do. Her approach is. Totally different, even though we're like rock solid on the end result. We have exactly the same end goal in mind.  But how she gets there was very different than the very direct way that I was attempting to get there.  And so, um, you, you live, you learn and. I say, you know, I suck at this mandate.  And for the most part, then all I had to do is just stand behind Mandy and have a stern look on my face and cross my arms and.  That that worked.  So, uh, you know, sometimes you'd have to forget.  How you were brought up as, you know, maybe that worked for me, maybe it didn't work so much for me, but it definitely was not working for our son. And so you have to adapt, you have to modify in, you got to, you know, don't worry about your ego. 

Just, you got to. Adopt, what is best for the child and what works best. And that was a great revelation. That was a great decision to just kind of back off and let Mandy work her magic in that whole realm. And we have a great relationship to this day. That would not be there. If I had been one of those, I'm the father and my word is law, and that's the way it's going to be kind of guys that it just would not have worked. And it was cool too. 

How you didn't.  Come in and try to be his dad, dad, and like insist that he calls you dad. He called you by your first name.  Um,   you are his stepdad. But he still respected you, but you know, we didn't try to force any of that.  Yeah. Yep.  And so now, even to this day, like you guys are pretty close, like he'll do. Thanks together. 

Like, uh, Caleb's poor Caleb had such a bad experience with a car purchase. The car just completely just died after like a couple of months. And so.  For a long time, Aaron and Kayla worked on that thing together, trying to get it going. So.  That was our new hobby. How was your new hobby? That you never wanted.

So, yeah. Thanks. Thanks for sharing that.

All right. And then lastly, just some reflection and advice. So what were the most surprising lessons that we learned about love the second time? I would say, is that.  It can last and that it can be good. It doesn't have to be so stressful or.  Be so difficult. I mean, yes. 

Marriage takes work that's for sure. Um, but.  Just learning that, you know, this person can have integrity and we can. Do these things, and this, this can work out.  And also learning like, okay, I did trust my intuition and it worked out, you know, Like I mentioned, yes, it's been difficult along the way and at some points more than others, but overall it worked out 

 okay. So what was most surprising about falling in love? The second time around.  And. I think I'd have to say.  

The second time around what I was really kind of surprised about was that.  Giving love. Receiving love sharing. Love.  Just didn't have to be so hard. I don't know what it was about. Uh, the first time around, but it just seemed like the always say. The wrong thing. Your timing is off. I don't know what it was. 

Dosha tension. But it seemed to like trying to foster love and trying to give love and, and share love was hard. It was like always a struggle.  But it doesn't have to be.  And so that, that was, uh,  Uh, very, uh, surprising and welcome lesson the second time.  

Cool. Yeah.  

Marriage is work, but it doesn't have to feel horrible. Every week.



How do we nurture trust and connection in our relationship now?

We definitely make Friday date nights at priority, so we don't really ever miss those. So we. I always go out and. Even if the budget's tight, we'll go somewhere and make sure that we, you know, spend some time together, catch up, talk about what's going on and how we're feeling about different things. 

And. We actually try to have meals together most nights anyway, but that's special because we get to go out and then, you know, it's like a date. 

. Yeah, it was trust also, like we just share with each other and where we're going and we still give each other plenty of space. 

So we have some hobbies that we like that are similar, but a lot of them are different actually. And so. That's cool because for me. You know, just being a single parent for awhile and. I was used to kind of being an independent and then also with my personality, I'm kind of an introvert. So I like to recharge by myself and I like having some space.



And then what advice would you give to somebody who has experienced a toxic or narcissistic partner, but wants to believe in love again?  So definitely. Knowing that there's hope there's other people out there. Like they're not all like that.  Right. So, uh, meeting Aaron and seeing somebody with integrity. Is he perfect? 

No. Am I perfect? No. But overall, you know, we have the main glue that's love and respect. And being connected with each other, being willing to  sacrifice certain things for each other, you know, that are healthy. Right. Having boundaries. And making sure that we speak up. Yes, we have conflict, but we figured out how to work through that. And talking about our feelings and even money stuff. 

Right. So we're talking about money. We know where the finances are.  And we work as a team on that. So.

We're not going into it. Like.  You know, well, I'm the main wage earner and I get to make all the decisions. No, like we work as a team, so that's really cool. I appreciate that.

Let's see. And other advice. So basically like,  just keep working on yourself, I would say. And.  Just. Being okay with yourself first. Like even if you don't find somebody else, like just.

Knowing that.

You know, you fulfill a lot of your, your own things, as well as you get older, I think you mature more and you realize like somebody else doesn't have to be your everything. Right. And you complete yourself.  Um, So that would be something else. And then.  Also, you know, taking it. Slow, if you can, and just. Checking in with yourself and. Yes. 

Getting counseling was, was helpful during that. Trusting yourself, following that intuition. For sure.  I'll let Aaron share his feelings on that as well. 

 Okay. So the question is, what advice would you give to someone who has experienced. State toxic or narcissistic partner built, launched a believe in love again.  

I think.  

The most important thing is kind of, well, from my experience, from the last relationship into this relationship, I gave myself plenty of time.  Lots of time to work on myself. To heal to mature. To grow as a person.  And I think that's, what's really important. Uh, in order to truly love again, because one of the things that happens is as you mature and as you grow. You really have a sharper eye for what you're looking for.  And you really start.  Looking for somebody to have a relationship with. That 

Has more of the attributes and the, um, characteristics. Of maturity and integrity 

So anyway, you know, your mall more, what you're looking for and you gave yourself time to heal. So that when you go into a new relationship, You go in with, um, optimism and hope. And.  At the same time, you kinda know what the red flags are to not. You know, get.  

Take a weapon tangled up in that kind of relationship again. But again, even if you met the perfect person who had not one scrap of toxicity or narcissistic. Attributes, even if you met the perfect person. But you haven't really given  yourself a chance to heal and move on from the last one. You're still going to be projecting all those fears onto this person. 

So I feel that. You really need time to.  Heal. And then grow and mature and then start off with a fresh slate.  

And lastly to end, how would you say that you were able to trust again? It's because you had healed yourself and then you.  Saw. Like what you want and didn't want. And then how did you know that I was safe? Like, how did you know that you could trust.  That this would work.  

Or did you, did you not? You don't. Um,  That's the thing about love and relationships is that there's always going to be. A risk. But how did you screen, like screen me to make sure I don't have.  Narcissism or.  Um, just in the dating.  Yeah, it is, you know, we have red flags we watch out for too. So it's in the dating, but fundamentally there's no.  Way to get involved with somebody else in an instant in to mint relationship. Without taking a risk. 

And so there's always going to be. A measure of faith.  And I mean, you do what you can and you, but if you're never willing to take a risk and when I say risk, what are you actually risking?  Mostly what you're risking is if we're honest is getting hurt again.  And that's what, you know, you get burned at the stove. 

You don't go near that stove again. It's a natural human thing to stay away from that thing that hurts you.  But.  Do you want to live alone? And lonely and never have a meaningful relationship.  Most people don't. So in order to.  And foster a new relationship, something that's going to be loving and. And, uh,  You know, very special.  Fundamentally, you got to take that risk. Yeah. 

I mean, you do what you can and, but you gotta have faith that.  

It's going to be. Healthy loving relationship. Uh, huh.  Cool.  All right. Well, thank you.  Thank you for being here. We appreciate it.  Sure.

 So as you guys can see, I picked a winner, right? So super glad that we are celebrating over 17 years of marriage, almost 18. So thankful for that and thankful for how far we've come. We've worked on our marriage  and thankful that my son has grown up and I hopefully we didn't do any big damage.  So, and to see him in a healthy relationship. With somebody is really cool and that's like full circle. 

So. I very much appreciate that and just appreciate having a partner in life. Right. Where we can check in on things and support each other and,  um, do our own things, give each other space, but. Be okay with that. So.  Yeah.

Awesome. Okay. All right. We did it. Yay. Thank you. Thank you for listening. I hope that was helpful. And if you're not following this podcast, And you're interested in hearing more things like this. I talk a lot about preventing harm and violence. And I talk about healing and how I healed and different. Things in that realm as well. 

So you can follow if you're in apple listening, you go to the top, right? And you'll see three dots or three dashes and he pulled down, it'll say, follow the show.  And then that way you'll catch a future things as well. And for those who are not a VIP yet, I do send out every week. An email that shares what was on the podcast and gives different resources that were shared. And also what's up and coming, and by the way, I do have something really cool up and coming. 

It's a free. Activation intuition challenge. Um, and also a quiz you can take to just see how you're doing with your own intuition. So that's coming. So you can go to my website, aware and prepared.life. I'll drop that in the show notes. So you can just click. And then, um, just drop your name in there and you'll be getting the quiz and the. The tips on following your intuition.  So, yeah, that's it. 

And then I guess if you know of anybody else, who's in this circumstance where they're, you know, learning to love again, maybe and learning to trust again.  You can share this with them. Same thing, go to the top, right? You'll see three dots or dashes. You can pull down and it'll say, um, you can text that episode to a friend or you can copy the link and then send it however you want. 

So, Yeah. Thank you for being here. I'll talk with you next week. Remember you are worthy of a safe and peaceful life.