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why women have sex w/ Taylor Stafford

• Season 1 • Episode 51

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Today’s episode is a transformative conversation on sexual wellness with sex professional and researcher, Taylor Stafford. From sexual experiences to education and healing from trauma, Taylor provides invaluable insights to empower us in our journey towards sexual fulfillment. This episode if full of practical strategies to help you make informed decisions, communicate your needs, and envision a positive sexual future. Whether navigating intimacy or overcoming past traumas, this episode offers guidance to support personal growth and empowerment. After listening to this episode, you’ll have a broader understanding of sex and relationships while fostering confidence and authenticity in embracing your sexual identity. 

 Check out Taylor's org Women Against Taboo Foundation and her Instagram! 

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Unknown: Hello everyone and welcome back to the Star Cycle's podcast. Your hot growth database for all the things that we wish we were taught but get to learn together now. Everything pertaining to your femininity, your psycho and female wellness, and your walk in life as a woman. I'm your host, Aleena, and today we are going to be talking about female sexuality, sex education and sexual wellness for women. The goal of today's episode is to help debunk some of the popular myths surrounding sex, learn how to improve our communication and get our needs met, Understand more about sexual traumas and how they shape lives and so much more with a professional in the field. Taylor Stafford. After you listen to this episode you'll leave equipped to make better decisions in your sex life. Ask for what you need and even some information on how to approach these conversations if and when you do have children. first off, some current updates. I'm in my menstrual phase. I'm on day three of my period. And I'll be honest with you guys. It wasn't the greatest report card this month. It just wasn't it? I did end up having to take Tylenol both first and second day, and I was bleeding a little bit more than usual. But that just goes to show that I could have been doing some things better during my whole cycle, to help prepare me for this. And I definitely know that I was off my game was supplements and all of my little regimens and rituals that I do. And well, there there goes, you know what I mean? But on day three, I'm definitely feeling back to normal. And I know tomorrow I'll be ready to be back in the gym lifting weights, because we know that shortly after our period, our muscles are in the muscle primed to regrow and repair themselves. Another thing, too, is we have been refurbishing our place, so we have a lot of things moving in and out of the house. It just doesn't feel finish those random things that I'm getting sold on Facebook Marketplace. There's new things being shipped in, just kind of sticking around in boxes because our interior designer just kind of wants to come and do everything all at the same time when everything has all arrived. So kind of living in the limbo of that right now, but it's not too bad. I know the result is going to be absolutely beautiful this weekend. We're having some friends come into town. We are going to be going to a seventies event. So me and Sam have gotten our costumes and we're just super excited for this. I have never bed's any sort of seventies disco type of thing, but who knows? You know, this is the year of me doing things that I wouldn't normally do. And finally, I would say, like, the coolest thing that I've been up to is 5 p.m. play dates with Nova and the rest of her friends. So we have a little puppy group in our building, so we get together after our work day is done around five or 6 p.m. and we honestly just talk like parents while our kids play and just go off the walls and rip apart toys and they really need it because we are busy during the day so it's nice to get them together and get their energy out. It's pretty great to become friends with these people and we even went on a Thai food run the other night together. it's things like that, you know, that make life fun and interesting. now. we will get into this episode with Taylor Stafford. As always, I want to remind you guys to follow us on Instagram at Stellar Cycles Pod. Be sure to download that free grocery guide that I have for you where you can pick out foods based on the face that you're in that year cycle to best support your hormones and your energy levels. I would love it if you guys would leave a star rating and a review if you're enjoying this podcast, if it's helped you out. I love to read the reviews that you guys leave. Until then, spread the good word about stellar cycles to your fellow women. And let's all elevate our lives, cycles, and dreams together. Until next time, stellar cycles out.

Unknown: today I brought on two stellar cycles. My friend Taylor Stafford, like most amazing people in my life, I met her through book club. How many book clubs ago? Like a couple months ago. Couple months ago, I think. Yes. And Taylor really stood out to me because she is a doctor of nursing practice student. She is a soon to be medical sexologist, sex educator, sex researcher, and also the founder and president of the Woman Against Taboo Foundation. Okay. Yeah. everyone, welcome to the show. Ms.. Taylor Stafford. You so much. Elaine, I am so excited. Yes. Yes. So many great people through book club. And so it's great to just connect, to remind everyone is so cool and fascinating. Yeah, that's awesome. Well, welcome to the show. We are excited to have you on. I thought it would be a good idea to have Taylor on to talk to us about women's sexuality, in particular, share with us the things she's been studying. Because even though the conversation has opened up a lot more over the past 5 to 10 years, I still think it's a taboo topic Why don't you say? I wasn't really good to start talking to women in clinic especially, or after race seminars. You really start to realize, not everyone is very open about it. It seems like everyone is. But no, it's still interesting. to start things off, I know we're going to be talking about sex a lot during this conversation. But first, I like to ask all my guests, what was your experience getting your period for the first time? Were you prepared? Were you not prepared? How did that go for you? honestly, I didn't really care. My mom was very open about sex, and so I knew that my period was coming way before I was coming. I never even used to pad. The minute I got my period, I used a tampon. I just, was very comfortable with that. right before I graduated middle school. Yeah. So you're probably feeling very grown up. Yeah, I remember I was when I met him at the park by our house and I got naked and my mom was involved, and I was like, Mom, I just got my period. I need to go meet, like, volleyball at the park. And she was like, okay, I'm, I'm going to work like there's tampons or pads, and they're all like, I know where an iPad ends. I put a tampon on it. What to part? To be ready, then to the bed. Wow. The girl. Why were you so against pads? Cause I just thought they were uncomfortable. Okay. Yeah. Do you wear that with a thong? Yeah, literally. Good question. My very first experience with the pad was when I was just thinking around in my mom's bathroom, and I found pads, I unstuck it, and I literally just stuck it to the outside of my body. And I was like, How is this supposed to work? Yeah. So I feel it. They do look very uncomfortable, but I don't know, like, looks messy. I don't want any, have to deal with it. Yeah, 100%. So that sounds like a lot of fun for you. And that's awesome that your mom was open about it and prepared you for that. She was a bit about everything. we do all of our body parts all their actual names were. I remember like getting in trouble and I think I was and I don't know, let's just say like kindergarten because I said the word penis in like a weird way. I was like, That is penis. And they told my mom, you know, she's saying inappropriate things about I like Russian saying and they're like, well, she called it a penis, you know, you're five years old. you just see things and like that is what it's called and they just saw it with an appropriate. So I got in my and my like, why that's inappropriate. And just she explained it to us through a whole body book. starting with your cardiovascular system, your heart ass and like all the things you know. And so I just figured your penis or your vagina or your wall or whatever was just, fell, though. Like, why is that inappropriate? I didn't get it. And so my doll had to like explain to me about society and just the whole thing about why it's inappropriate. Totally. And I also think it's some that, your mom took it upon herself, she didn't just give you guys the book, that's a step in the right direction for sure. for parents, that's much better than not acknowledging it at all. But I also think it's great that she, as your mom, went about it to read the book herself probably, and then read it with you guys, because then she was the authority in your family on that topic. She actually boasts like an adult body book. And then we looked everywhere. I mean, this was in like what, 2000? I was born in five. So it's got to be I think this was before kindergarten, That she was explaining this to us. And so we're talking about late 1990 and she said, I couldn't find a children's book. They even talked about reproduction, not even just like penis vagina set like reproduction. And so she just got and my like almost medical textbook, not a textbook, but like an anatomy book. Not for kids at all. And so that's why she goes, because she couldn't find it on words. And you still really. You can't hide. Yeah. I totally agree with you. So I wanted to ask you, when you were just starting out your menstrual journey, were you noticing that you had any bad symptoms or was it pretty much smooth sailing for you? No, it was terrible. So I've been on birth control since I was 15 and I wasn't even having sex yet. The reason why I went on is because my period was so happy that I was becoming anemic and I threw a tampon in a pad. Three days in a row at school. And so my mom had to pick me up three days in a row. This was in high school. I was so embarrassed, I didn't want to go to school. And I literally was not even close to being sexually. Well, maybe I was now thinking about it, but at the time I didn't think I was close to being sexually active, but I was like, I have to figure this out. And so my mom took me to a gynecologist and I immediately went on birth control and everything was fine. So, I mean, I tried three different birth controls, of course, like if you get the first one on the first try. Lucky you. But yeah, it was definitely rough, but it was mostly just like how heavy my period was. And are you still on birth control now? I actually just got off Hormonal birth control for the first time, literally since I was 15. And that was about three months ago. Okay. How was that for you? Everything is still kind of evening out, I think. But I've gone through everything, like the pills I've gone through the next one, the arm implant, I've gone through the IUD and the IUD was just giving me so much uterine pain. my abdominal pain was so bad and it did an ultrasound and everything, you know, all the testing. And it's like, this shouldn't be causing it. So I get it out, haven't got it. It's okay. So, you know, it's like, yeah, it might not seem like there's literature or research to support that, but I mean, if you just think about it do you have something in your uterus that could be irritating it? I mean, it's just like anything else 100%. a big part of ultrasound was checking the placement of an IED. And a lot of the time it was not in the right place because, of course, your uterus, which is an organ, it's going to notice that there's a foreign body and they're exact, whether or not it's hormonal or non-hormonal or copper. But what happens is your uterus starts pushing it around and try to get it out. And that's what causes all that. Yeah. And mine was in place, you know, everything looked good. I looked at the ultrasound myself and it was gray for the first year. And then after probably eight months, it was severe pain. But everyone is so different. Yes. It's you almost can't even ask another woman how you're going to respond to it because you have no idea. everyone is so different. So yeah. So I had like a big fear of getting pregnant. I always have my cousins had babies very early and their life has been very, very difficult because of it. And so I am very scared to get pregnant. I thought it was going to really affect my sex life. And now I'm just like, got plan B on deck, use a condom And I feel okay, you know, it doesn't really ruin your life to have to do things that way and not have to rely on birth control. Yeah. So be a little more aware of your cycle Exactly. So we'll see. It's only three months, but we'll see how it goes. You know, hopefully it really works out for you. So give us some background on what brought you to what you're currently doing now. Yeah. So I think growing up, my mom talking about things so openly and me being kind of confused about society and I just didn't understand why it was such a big deal. And then I knew that I wanted to be a nurse forever. I actually had a staph infection in my spinal column when I was 11. And so very scary So I was in the pediatric system a lot and so I really wanted to work with vulnerable pediatric populations. so I thought that was pediatric oncology. That was kind of what I wanted. Then I got to college, undergrad, and I really started getting into mental health and realizing that the most vulnerable populations are not oncology, pediatric patients and of course, pediatric oncology. Horrible thing, right? I'm not minimizing that at all. But they get a lot of support. It's less than 1% of pediatrics with cancer die. it's 1 to 3. psychology means. Yeah. Cancer patient. And so then I really realized that these kids are, in foster care systems, some of them are trafficked, a lot of them are abused. And then no one cares about them. There's no money into it. And so I really was kind of attracted to that. And then in undergrad I started working at a gynecologist office and they had a sex therapist. so she's Syriac and she's a gynecology MP and she's a sex therapist and she has been my mentor ever since. She's amazing. I shadowed her for three years and I just love to the field. And so I got into anti-trafficking programs there in Reno. I went to university in Nevada. trafficking is a big problem there. So I got to do the fun sex therapy stuff, like talk to couples about mismatched desire or adultery or, you know, whatever. And then I got to do more of the serious anti-trafficking sex trafficking side of things. So that's kind of how I got into it, And it's evolved since, but more of like the recovery and stuff like that for trafficking. Yeah, I was volunteering for two organizations that they do recovery, but They identify kids that are being sex trafficked and get them out of it and then get them into systems. So yeah, it was a pretty intense work. I don't even know a field like that existed. Yeah, anything you can imagine in the anti-trafficking world. There's so much to it. It's just getting worse and worse. And it's a very, very, very mentally taxing field. It's very challenging and realizing. in my nursing experience, I did pediatric psychiatry. And so a lot of those kids were sex trafficked, sexually abused. so I got to work with the trauma of pediatrics from that. And honestly, I burnt out pretty quickly. Yeah, I was so gung ho, like, I could do this for life. And then you're like, this is sick. It's so much emotional energy to fight hyper and. Yeah. Having to know all of those things. Yes, yeah, yeah. That's really difficult. So that's kind of how I got into it. Yeah. Oh, Baron. So today, our main topic is women and sex, which is everything. Cali that you are eating, breathing with. Yeah. I just wanted to start off with what would you say is important for us to know about female sexuality and. So that's a loaded question important. Let's see. I think that one of the biggest things is all the things that we think that we have been told are normal, that are not normal. All the taboos I think one of the biggest things that we see with the older population is section heard. So the pelvic floor dysfunction of it. All right. Sex shouldn't hurt unless you're, actively doing some kind of media stammer or, something like that. Little bit different, right? But Section heard it doesn't have to hurt. And so I think that's one, too, is the way. Most women not all experienced desire. when we talk about desire, we use the word desire in medicine and in the sexology field. But on the streets we say sex, drive, libido. Okay. But we really call it desire. And so thinking that our desire should be similar to men's, I think is a big misconception. we have spontaneous desire, which is, you see a tit your horny, something like that, right? a lot of it's very visual. And so men are very visual so they can just think of a thought or see something they think is attractive or, they brush their penis up against something and now they're horny. Right. A lot of women are like that. Some are, some are. And it changes, you know, as we change in life. But response of desire is how most women experience their desire. So it's been a really tricky conversation, I think, to have because basically you have to start doing something in sex. Okay. But with that information, people, husbands, whatever partners are like, well, let's just start having sex. And they misuse the information to be a predator. Right. Yeah. Let's just start having sex even though it doesn't feel good. So a lot of that response of desire is what we talk about. I say, foreplay starts after the last orgasm. And like that is how you are after sex, right? Like some teenagers would tell me, I just feel so weird because we just have sex and then they just start playing X-Box. Yeah. So that doesn't want to make me have sex with you again. Yeah. how they treat you afterwards is you got to So not even just directly after sex, but, how you're treated throughout the day until you have sex the next time. we see this a lot with couples who just had a baby. This is a really, really hard time for sex life and for intimacy with couples. And so we see people in clinic a lot at this time. And, let's just say both people are working, whether that's taking care of the home or you're getting paid to work at their job. Everyone's working. Some people are getting paid smart. Doesn't mean that the work is any less taxing And relationships are not just 5050 all the time. It's give and take. But let's just say you have a kid, WOMAN So on maternity leave, you go home and the the other partners been at work all day and he has spontaneous desire. The one I hear most from women is like they're dicks hard. And you're, doing dishes or something. They just start putting their penis in your back and they're like, Wait, that's so caveman to pissing me off. Do people saucepans really do that? That's suck. Yes. It's like that is they don't they don't understand that they have to really work their woman up along. Yes. And so, men for anyone having to deal. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like men come in and they're like, I keep trying to have sex with her. I keep trying. And I'm like, but that's where you're going wrong. What does she need to feel supported, One, she's stressed out for whatever reason. Stressed worse hormone ever for sex. So what does she need to be done to complete her day to feel so that you can make time for this? Yes. So you can make time so she can feel supported because at the same time, yeah, he might be coming home from work, but you've been doing a bunch of crap to whatever. Life gets hard. And so how can we do this together? what do we need for this household right now? For this baby right now? For us right now and really making it a cohesive environment. So much more hot than putting your dick in a bag. Yeah. Yeah. And then they'll be like, well, that's me initiating it. Right. but no. Yeah, I heard this one quote one time and don't remember who said it. Yeah. They said foreplay is actually everything that you do before you get in bed. Mm hmm. Yup. So It's the whole picture. It really. It is. the dynamic between the two people, even one sex isn't, directly on the table, right? And I call it nonsexual sexual touches. Probably should think of a better word for it, but I kind of like saying in the past sex or sexual touches, but just throughout the day. Right. getting used to touching each other in kind of a sexual way, but not leading to sex. So you don't think every single time your partner touches you, oh, crap. Now he has steps. Now he wants to have sex because it becomes a negative thing. Another association? Yeah. Like increase intimacy, not when you're just having sex. And so that's actually what we work on when, couples come in and they haven't had sex for ten years. we start with, do you guys hold hands? do you ever touch a leg anything to kind of date your partner again? Yes. non-sexual forms of touching are so important. No important. Even with your friends, hey, hug our friend. You know, sometimes we kiss them on their she does something when I see my friends, I always give out a kiss on the cheek. Yeah, because that sort of touch, it's really important not only to our mental health, but also our, human survival. Yeah, I mean, even think think about babies, Rae. We do skin to skin in the neck. You and it's like all the other partners who didn't just have the baby have their shirts off in the neck You re as a nurse. I would go up there. This is how I would spend my breaks going up to the neck. You you literally at my place of work with my shirt off and my bra holding a baby. And that's just how it is. It's not a weird thing, right? So even from the very minute that we come out of the womb, we need physical touch. So it really bonds. You called oxytocin bonding hormone. And so all of those other things are really important before you even get in the bedroom. Yeah. So before we move onto the next question, I do want to ask you, why don't you advise women to communicate to let's say that they do have a male partner, obviously different story when you have a female partner. But when they do have this male partner, maybe they're in a situation where they feel like you just said, he's just coming in hot and expecting it to happen. What's a good way of telling him that you want something else? I think that it really depends. I think that woman knows their partner better than anyone else. And so some men, you can just tell them straight up and they will take it well. If there's any kind of insecurity or confidence issue or anything like that, you'll know, you as a partner will know and how you have to speak to them But I think that even just starting the conversation is the important part like, motivational interviewing. So, like, hey. I feel this when you do this. So, like, I feel objectified when you come home from work and immediately put your penis in my back. Since we're going to show this example today and really opening them up in making it sexy, right? It would be really sexy if you did blank whenever you wanted them to say or to do. But again, it doesn't always happen like that depending on the personality, right? So that can be very attacking to men. Honestly, any of these conversations can. So if you really feel like you're unable to have the conversation, I would really encourage you to reach out to a therapist or a sex therapist Because also, if you're unable to tell your partner those things, there's probably other things going on. Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah. I would say my thought is we forget often that men aren't communication creatures like us, women and women. So, sometimes Talking the man to death about the problem usually isn't the way to go and causes them to shut down, I would assume. So I think a lot of these things can be said in a short concise that they as men can appreciate and understand. Yeah, And going back to how we change behavior, there's multiple ways on how we change behavior, but the number one way to change behavior is positive reinforcement, across the board. And so when he little things, right. So when he does something that you like encourage the shit out of it, Even if it was not exactly what you want, But it's like, okay, you see the effort, you see anything, just be like, Oh, it was so blank when you're like, I loved when you did that. Or even in the bedroom as well. I do highs and lows with my sexual partners highs of like This is my favorite part of sex because then you really start to get to know each other like, okay, that was fine. Like, she liked that or he liked that, right? And then lows. you're not shitting on the person, But it might be like I could not concentrate because the TV was on. Yeah, right. Or something like that Yeah, right. Whatever it is, it's something that's easy to fix for the next time. Yeah. It's not putting them down. Right, exactly. And so yeah. Focusing on the highs. So Positive reinforcement. Always remember that now. Yeah. Well along with I'm sure communication being one of these things. But what would you say would be some of the biggest obstacles for women when it comes to sex, even in this modern age, even though things are much different now? Yeah, I still feel like just because, we're accepting women sexuality more and talking about women with sex, sexual pleasure with women doesn't mean that those old cultural beliefs they're not still ingrained in us. They are even myself, I have been in this field for a long time and I'm learning every single day. sometimes it's hard for me to say what I want in bed because I subconsciously have been taught, through culture, that sex is about him and sex means intercourse. And even though intercourse is not how I'm going to get off, sometimes it's like being able to advocate for yourself or feeling worthy or that you, your vagina doesn't have to look a certain way or all these things. And so I feel like it's a lot of it is societal pressure that just because we've come far doesn't mean that, we're not internalizing all those things. And I think that desire in general is really difficult. Low desire is the number one reason why medical sexologists see women or mismatch desire. So maybe they have a quote unquote normal level of desire. But their partner has a way higher. And so that creates tension within the relationship. I think really starting to understand your desire, how it's changed over time, maybe with your cycle, maybe with your medications, if advanced life events. understanding that honestly, one of the biggest things I think is everyone thinks that everyone's having sex three days a week. I don't know what this three hour is, but three is like everywhere. It's been everywhere. And sometimes you have a baby or someone dies and you don't have sex for a couple of months and that is normal, So people will come in all frustrated, And it's like it changes. And then sometimes you'll have a situation where you're having sex five times a week. yeah, it's not all consistent. It's definitely an up and down. would you say that the. sex part of our culture, the hookup culture, the TV shows and movies and porn that are shown that people have this expectation that everyone is just always having sex and if you're not, then you're falling behind or something's yet your relationship or. One of my favorite ones that I've been seeing a lot of is single people enjoy sex and have more sex and couples. that's actually not true at all. Married couples report higher. all different relationships, right? Gay, lesbian men, woman, whatever report higher level of sexual satisfaction and having more sex more often. And so people have a very big misconception about marriage or whatever. So glad you highlighted that. how you said with your partner, you'll actually have a mini debrief after and that actually allows you to get to know and have a better sexual experience every single time. Yeah. If you're kind of keeping it what then the said relationship, right? Whereas we're kind of led to believe that not all single people go out, have more fun. The more people that you have sex with, the better. But no, you're almost starting over with each one. These one was you're starting from ground zero. There's no way that can be amazing, right? All the time. And people have sex for different reasons. when I speak at the colleges, I'm speaking to, undergraduate students. A lot of them are in relationships and they're worried about orgasm or whatever. And I'm like, but maybe orgasm is not going to be the goal of the sexual experience, right? It's not always the goal. Just like men don't always ejaculate every single time they have sex. And so there's sex for different reasons, but I think we have to manage our expectations about what we're getting out of this sexual experience, because you're not going to get at all in every single sexual encounter. Honestly, 100%. That's fine. Right. So that does lead me to the next question. And I you're doing really good segue ways to. Okay, the next question for you is, how would you say based on your studies, how do women choose their partners, sexual partners? How do we consciously choose them? How do we subconsciously choose? And I feel like this is this talked about a lot with birth control about how you're attracted to different people. And honestly, it is so different for every single person what you're looking for, what your strengths are, what you find attractive through genetic make your genetic makeup. I mean, I've seen studies that say we're attracted to the most genetically different people than we are because evolution. You want to you want to get different strengths and avoid mutation. Yes. Yes. Right. But then people are dating people that look like their siblings, So it's so broad. And there's also so many other factors involved with sex. Like, what are you looking for in a relationship right now? whose insecurities are playing off of who? What's going to make you feel comfortable? And I just feel like you really have to figure it out, for yourself it honestly it's going to change even for yourself. Yeah. Think about like in the paralyzed life stages and I haven't really noticed any differences in who I'm attracted to with being of birth control. Have you ever got. Yes, you have. Okay. Lately I was with the most feminine guy in the world, okay? When I was on birth control, even more feminine than me. It was crazy. I hated it, but I didn't know, what was wrong, you know what I mean? Because I was just suddenly twice didn't. I was like, Why am I so uncomfortable in this relationship? Oh, it's because he's literally making me act like a man. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Are you, more dominant in your. I am, in general, even off birth control. Okay. Finally, like in your life and then all to being an older sister, you know, and just having to take the lead in a lot of situations. But yeah, I was just curious to know, your experience because you worked on that for quite a long time. Yeah, off of it. And you know, it takes months to stabilize So we'll see coming up here. But I also feel like for me, I feel like I'm very dominant my regular life, just with my career and everything and with men, in sex, I'm very submissive But when I have sex with women, I'm usually more dominant. And so it really kind of just I think it just kind of depends. Interesting. Yeah, I don't. Right. So I also wanted to ask you this. Can you debunk this myth for. Okay. Okay. Is sex really much more intimate for women than it is for men? So yes or no? Every person at any stage can have sex and not have an intimate attachment. But men also can be super intimate in their relationships as well. And that works for them. so I would say, based on the way hormones work and our sexual response cycle, which is a whole nother topic, but technically, yes, but it's more about your type of desire. what you're trying to get out of the sexual encounter. Yes. are you spontaneous desire? so you can just see things? Right. And that might be a little bit less connection But it also could not be. Yeah. So see that really is different. And I think you would see the majority of I think Evolutionary wise. Yes. Because I also think that's why it's the way women orgasm and their sexual response is different because we're basically saying show me you can take care of me. going back to caveman days, right? Show me you can actually take care of me in all different ways. Show me that you can give me pleasure. Whereas men are spreading their seed, And so if you think about it like that, yes, it kind of does make sense, So I think it's different for every person. And I know that's an annoying answer, but it really is. I know that's a good answer. It really is. What would you have to say for us regarding awareness around STIs and sexual health? Is it a much bigger problem than we think? Is it not as big of a problem as we think? What should people be doing? Are there any studies are specifically asking about or just in general? Just in general, I had a friend who's going through HPV diagnosis right now and she's obviously like Assads, but she's going into a lot of research about it and she's just like Elena. I didn't know how common this was. Highly need to, debunk the fact that it makes you dirty or what happened because what? 90% of people or something like. Well, 98% of men have it. Oh, great. That's lovely. And they're they're silent carriers, right? Yeah, they don't. Yes, they are. This is so HPV is different than the rest of them because of mostly strains 16 and 18 of HPV can cause very deadly cervical cancer. so and the way the Gardasil vaccine works, we're seeing a lot less HPV You can start getting at age nine now, probably got that in middle school when it came out or some things I had to still wait in the waiting room after and make sure I didn't pass out like they do with all the vaccines rape had But if you get that vaccine, things are mutating, But it covers so many strains. you're ready for cervical cancer just drops. The problem with the vaccine is if you don't get it as a kid and you're already exposed, HPV, So we are exposed to HPV all the time. Okay. And this is why we actually went from doing pap smears every year in 20 years to every three years because we're testing positive for a lot of HPV and it goes away. So that's why we've changed that over the years. But if you are exposed to HPV A.K.A you are whether you're you're sexually active first, right. Exposed to HPV, usually through a penis because they all had it or through rape. The vaccine is way less likely to work. people are like, well, my nine year old, I don't want to get my nine year old vaccinated. And it's kind of hard to talk to them about, the importance of it. Yeah. And how do you tell parents it's important? Because what if your child is molested? And that's not things people want to think about, but it happens, you know? And so we're not seeing this in a lot of the younger population with HPV specifically. HIV is doing well we're doing great with the anti-virals, with HIV. The technology for it is honestly incredible, but herpes. Guys. And this is actually something I always talk to women about in my seminars because it seems to impact women more than men, but I do see it impacting men. There are some things that can happen if herpes are untreated, but they're very rare. Herpes won't kill you. And it's basically a similar to the chickenpox vaccine or shingles. so we don't have a vaccine for it. There's no vaccine Why would we put money into something that's not going to kill us? And so the number keeps changing. But basically in the next 20, 30 years, pretty much almost the entire population is going to have a type of herpes. psyches in general. But herpes, because you can't get rid of it, really affects people's mental state after. of course, when you get it, you're going to go through a grief cycle, just like you are anything but, you get a diagnosis or whatever. You go through a little grief cycle and something that's easily cleared up. Yes. Antibiotic. Yes. Later, chlamydia, gonorrhea, all the things. Right. But it becomes a problem when it's been three, five years and your self-esteem is still shot. You still feel like you can't be sexually active major depression, anxiety. And actually that stigma increases your risk of having a herpes breakout. So you're actually breaking out more because of all the stress. Yes. we're getting better now. And I think from what I'm hearing when I talk to women, but no one knows that you can take antivirals every day. And they are so freaking effective. So effective. But doctors never offered this to people. And it's your choice, if you want to take it, great. If you want to take a great and know that it's an option. And so really I actually am going to go into herpes research because I almost did it for my graduate research, On mental health and really educating women because I'm seeing women. So, suicidal. Right. Because they, feel dirty and all the things. And it's so funny because I think as you get older, I hear this from women all the time. As you get older, if you disclose to your new partner or whatever that you are positive for herpes or whatever. they're like, Oh, me too. Same with HPV. With the older generation, you start hearing, Oh, I have HPV. Oh, I have HPV. Well, hopefully there's, better solutions and it becomes more available to people because nobody should feel Like they want to lose their life because they're so afraid of feeling rejected over something like that. Yeah, it's so sad. Especially something that's we can treat it now. Yeah, which is great, you know? And you live with that for stretches of time without. any sort of interference. Yeah. Especially if it's herpes type one herbicide too. I mean, it's the whole thing. So there's just options out there and I really want women to know that. So if your doctor has not offered you those options, maybe either bring it up to your doctor or go find a doctor that will give you those options to just decide if you want to. Okay. If you don't also like, you know, insightfully. So heading into a little more sensitive territory here. What are the steps that people can take to start to heal themselves from sexual trauma? Yeah, sexual trauma is just devastating, honestly, because it impacts your sex life, especially sexual trauma as a child impacts every aspect of your life. I mean, one of my favorite statistics. My favorite. Oh, well. But 80% of women who are morbidly obese were raped as a child. And so it manifests in so many different ways. Would you say putting on all that extra weight almost helps them feel like protecting themselves? Like then nobody will get close to me type thing subconsciously? Of course. also the amount of stress stress is cortisol. It's building all of that, inflammation. so it makes it harder for you to process glucose, Also, your serotonin is low. When our serotonin is really low, we're going to want to eat more. eating is the fastest way to increase our dopamine so we're going to eat worse. And it's a cycle and you almost can't control it. So really healing from any trauma. But this specifically, we see the worst co-morbidities, some with sexual trauma. I think it's individualized per person. I think a lot of it comes from how does your family perceive what happened to you? What were you taught about this growing up? was it even acknowledge it? Was it acknowledged? Right. I mean, there's women from other parts of the world that they're family is ashamed of them when they get raped. So they actually sometimes will kill the woman because they were raped. So there's a whole different extremes about how you're being taught in Chanel miller, she was the rape survivor of the Stanford swimmer Brock Turner. She's a genius, by the way. everyone should read her book. But she was saying that the worst trauma from sexual trauma comes from What happens after the trauma? I'm not believing, you know, blaming you for things, not having resources, feeling alone, all the things She is like that was the worst part. It was re traumatization. And so, again, going against what we believe as a culture with those things and really changing them, I will say that I haven't seen a lot of things lately about people who have never been trained in trauma, trying to treat trauma. I worked in pediatric psychiatry and have a trauma background, I know how to do trauma informed care. I know how to do motivational interviewing to make sure I don't retraumatize. I am not trained in psychotherapy. I will not engage in psychotherapy with people with sexual trauma because the retraumatize Asian is so high and it's such a hard thing to navigate. so make sure you have a professional who knows what they're doing. psychotherapy, being about it doesn't make it better, right? Right. And you can talk to people about it and that's kind of what I do, right, is like talk to people about it and know how to respond to them. But when we're doing psychotherapy, get into the nitty gritty. You really need a psychotherapist. Go to someone that's been trained. And I really want to encourage people to do that. Yeah, 100%. Well, thank you for letting us know about that. This is a very sensitive subject. And of course, there are many people, from maybe most minor offense to the most major. Yeah. In all counts. Yeah, I'll count it. Okay. And death, we talking about it and not protecting the people who did it to you so hard, though. It's so hard. I was a victim's advocate in undergrad and. Sometimes I get it. Why? You don't want to go to court Because that is part of the re traumatization, you know. And so it repeated over and over to strangers, nonbelievers, you, everyone's calling you, whatever. It's just honestly, we need a different way to handle it. I don't know the answers, but I think we can all agree that we need a different way to handle it. it's very challenging. And we see, a lot of sexual pain disorders with people who have had sexual trauma, vaginismus or like vulvodynia just pain on your mobile. And a lot of those are from sexual trauma as well. I think it's a defense mechanism hundred percent. Yeah, your body's really good at shutting down Rainman. Something's not supposed to be happening. Yeah. Can you speak a little bit on, why does society and by society I mean men. But as a result, women's you. Yes, we are a whole. Why are women split up into two groups, the ho and the prude? The that girl? Like, where did that come from? White that you flow in and out, you know. So w why are we seen like this? This is like hundreds and thousands of years ago, Like, maybe not thousands, maybe hundreds, even up to the point where marriage was first, created to, benefit society in some way. I think, honestly, it's a way to shame women and really shame is the best way to put someone in their place the best way because they don't want to speak about it. So you're very isolated, And it changes a lot of your behavior. And we've known that forever, I was just talking to someone about your hymen, And how women are killed because they don't bleed on their wedding night, which is not even true. I've never bled. I never bled as a kid. I never blood and sex. Also, let's just use our brains a little bit here. How would you have a period that can get on of your body, of the blockage, you know, covering your vagina? you have to get that medically, okay. And you looked at that's something you're born with. She said it. It's so where did that come from? Right. all these things come back in time. And I also think humans, we like to have categories, we like to have like access because it's too organized. Yeah. Because it's, it's a confusing world that, you know, so we like to be able to do that. so I think that really helps people put them into categories. I was just talking to someone the other day about how on a first day or third day or whenever you have sex even if you want to have sex that you like this person, you're Like, should I not have sex? Because are they going to think I'm a hoe? Are they going to put me in that box so they don't want to have a relationship with me and those things? it's still something that people navigate, you know? And on the opposite, though, as well, this is funny that this topic came up because it's been coming up to me lately all the time. But this guy asked me, I think he's probably in his low thirties and he's like, women keep asking me like what my body count is. And it's a dreaded question, What is what's a good answer? What are you going to sign? My worst. Yeah. Now, half of those people got burned on the stage. It becomes maybe not even your own choice. It's also it's like, Oh, and I hate that question so much. I feel so bad. I'm like, my girlfriends are navigating them. I dress like this guy. No, that she doesn't believe me. In the SAT, I'm just like the first. The first issue that he asked you. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess women are asking now too. They want to know is this do the whole is he a player? And to what, what let's you have that number and that's all you can think about, right. And that's what I always ask you, what would be a perfect number for you right then? Because people are like, well, you haven't had sex with enough people and I want someone more experience or you've had sex with too many people. And also just because you have a high or low number of sex doesn't mean that you're good or bad. It's not right. Right? You could be with someone. Honestly, I think the person that's had, you know, maybe the lowest sexual partner for a long time probably are better at sex. And the people who've had a 101 night stands, right? It's 100 or so right point. It's not about that number. I just don't know why everyone cared so much. Yeah, no, I get it. But we already kind of talks about how birth control affects female sexuality. But I think we also know with, recent research that birth control. Is going to lower your desire. Do you see a lot of women struggling with that, which is such a paradox. Yeah. you're almost birth control, so you can have all the sexy to worry about being pregnant. Then you don't even want to have the sex. Yes. Yeah, I know. Right. That's actually kind of probably it's been an argument for actually a reason why it works, but I so yeah, we used to think let's just talk about like the oral contraceptive pill, not the mini pill. So the one that has estradiol. So estrogen and progestin progesterone. for a reminder for those of you who don't know, those are not human hormones. They're synthesized versions of one, but they act on the body. This. Yeah. The same way the hormones do. Yes. So. We used to think that doing the lowest dosage of hormones, actually kind of we're still in it of like no hormones. And everyone has their opinion about whether they like lemons or don't like hormones or whatever. Right. Boxes, good or bad. so we used to think, lowest amount of hormones or whatever. But now I was just at a conference, female sexual medicine conference, and Tammy Rowan, she's a doctor in San Francisco. She's like the queen of birth control and sex drive. So everyone look up her stuff. But a lot of the stuff that's coming out now is like no matter what dose you're on, you're taking over the entire system, your body is recognizing it. And so it doesn't make any more. And so we used to think, okay, lowest amount of hormones in your body is going to like do the rest. At least we are some natural now we're finding out that's not true and so to combat that we want the highest amount of estrogen in an oral pill because it's taking over the whole system. So increasing the estrogen as much as possible. Also, when you increase the estrogen as much as possible, you're talking about more acne sometimes. So pegging a birth control is basically of what symptoms would you like to avoid? And that's how we pick a birth control. I will say birth control right now is getting a bad rap. And I would probably argue that this is one of the worst times that birth control could get a bad rap. We're starting to see teen pregnancy go up. I mean, obviously, there's other things going on. And you know what I'll say, whatever about birth control, obviously, I'm an advocate for alternative outlets or you don't want to be on it, because I know that when I was on it, it made me someone who I was not. I was, hey, Easter. Exactly. But at the same time, I can totally see that hey, maybe it would be better for the teenagers to use that while their frontal lobes aren't developed, they're not making a decision. We don't want any teenage pregnancies if we can avoid that, as most people, not that there's anything wrong with our, but the main thing that is wrong with that is that they're not equipped to take care of a human life. and then I think once you get your frontal lobe developed and you do want to see what you feel like with the birth control, definitely go off that if that's what you want to see. But then you're more mature to yeah, have the foresight and the education and knowledge of how you can avoid pregnancy and also try to recalibrate your health and figure out what was wrong with your period in the first place. Right. so again, birth control is individualized for every single person, And if even if you're a teen and you're getting really bad responses to it, also those teens that try different birth controls and they're having crazy response. They're also a lot more invested in their care because they keep having to go back, which is not a great thing. Right. But they're invested in their care a little bit. So they're kind of hopefully getting educated while, well, they're one they're right understanding why we take birth control, what are the other options, right And so, yeah, it's so individual based I'm seeing so many women in their twenties and thirties pregnant that they want to be pregnant because we think Oh, let's check my cycle and then use pull up method and and yeah, I mean everyone has their opinion but tracking your cycle and pull method, let me know if that's working out for you right if you're in a place where you're like, I could probably get pregnant and it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Great to do it. But if it's like, Oh my God, no, this would literally ruin my life and maybe not play. Exactly. So even with all the birth controls that are available, there's still a tiny percent chance that you could. Like, I had multiple aunts. Sorry, guys, I won't name you, but I had multiple aunts get pregnant while they were actively on birth from also it does still happen. Yeah, it's yeah. It's a problem. They're all coming out with two male birth controls that are in human trials right now. Well, and I heard that they're going to get anesthesia approved for them, too, while they get it inserted or whatever, like there's a male IUD. And of course, that they would do that for the guys because women never get any kind of anesthesia for there. I mean, you've had IUD, right? So you know how oh my God, Isaiah, literally worst thing ever. I mean, I have a not a baby, so nothing to compare it to. You know, it's not the worst thing that you ever. Yeah. Yeah. Taylor, what are your goals for the future as as you become a sexologist and you're finishing up school. Yeah. So I'm done with school in December and then hopefully start working as a medical sexologist. Shut up, Goldstein's hire me now. They have a practice here the Goldstein's and they're just world renowned in sexual medicine. So the blood to eventually get hired by them. But I am going to start studying under Stephanie Buehler. Are we ever doing the school? Not so. It's for life. Yeah. So Stephanie Buehler, she's a psycho sexologist in Orange County in Newport, and she does a sex certification. So it's basically what we're doing because there's no direct route to be a sexologists. We're working on it. so you can get certified there. So that's a two year program. But I would be working while I do that. And then my speaking I just love speaking. I love teaching. So right now I'm doing seminars at universities, primarily at sororities and fraternities, but I've also done sexual health events and things. so I love it. The college kids are kids, they're adults, they're young adults, kids. I know they are so fun. And I would love to get after them younger brothers to work, you know, but it's unfortunate. I know it's Worse for the kids who don't get any sort of education or as and going under them than 18 not a camp by the way, I was shamed in school to an opinion. Well because I would draw naked people and what I, my teacher came up with with a grocery bag full of my drawings and my parents were so embarrassed, but I didn't find anything wrong with the no in gross or perverted. I just I was obsessed with anatomy. And look what I'm doing now. Yeah, exactly. About the psych. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Seriously, that stuff starts young. That's why you were saying penis. Yeah. Our garden. Yeah. Is it? Exactly. Yeah. So I want to do a lot with my speaking. They haven't released it publicly, but I will now because we're going to do it this week. But I haven't figured out exactly what we're doing and work with comedians and I'm going to be at mic drop comedy called August 11 at 7 p.m.. So we're putting on a show there. I have vibrator companies coming loop companies. It's going to be a whole sex comedy event. I'm very excited. And then also I really want to get back into I have a nonprofit and basically what we do there is I am able to do my sex ed through that But our biggest project is helping women and children in Thailand out of the survival sex industry. So we have families that we support and we're supporting education. But our our kids are really starting to grow up. And we're going to have to start thinking about college for them soon. so really after I graduate, I really want to focus more on that because it's kind of been put on the back burner, but doing more fundraising events. I love doing the fundraising events. They're so fun. It's a great way to educate people and really support their education in Thailand. So I just have so many things I want to do and yeah, so I want to get back to my events there. So I mean, there's definitely thrive out events. Yeah, very drawn to your energy at Book Club and then to finish off the show, thank you so much for everything you've shared with us. Yeah, far. Did you. Thank you for coming on. I just wanted to ask you, are there any tangible tips that you can leave our listeners with that they can start to apply today for a healthier sex life? It. Yes. I will say two things. One understanding or desire. So I'll just drop a book. But Come As You Are by Emily Nagorski. She is awesome. She really does a good job of explaining this in her book. It's kind of a hard thing to explain, and I think she does a good job. So what? Understanding her desire is helpful. So you don't think why am I just covering the mood or what? I'm really starting to understand your body, And then number two is learn how to communicate your wants and needs outside of the bedroom before you get into the bedroom. So one of the things that I talked to the sorority girls about is I noticed about me this was years ago, but women don't want to ask. We don't feel like we like can't ask for what we want. It's a big problem for the wage gap, actually, but I realized that I was at Starbucks or whatever. They would get my drink wrong and I'd be like, Oh, I don't want to correct them. I don't want to bother them. Like, I don't really care. And so then when I really started learning more about communication in the bedroom, I'm like, How am I going to ask for what I want in like a heightened emotional setting, a vulnerable setting, if I can't even ask them to change my drink at Starbucks. Right. Like really practicing, and that builds confidence and self-esteem, which is really important. So trying to communicate outside of the bedroom, so then you can slowly work up to it because communicating inside the bedroom for some people is very difficult and you got to start small and work your way up. Okay. That's a good tip. Yeah. Is there anything you'd like to promote as of right now? I am. my show that I already did it. Well, what's it called? I haven't. I'm not going to say it yet. I actually just decided this week, but I just want to make sure. That's right. I'm going to keep it. But it's at my job comedy club. Yes. And if anyone knows any comedians that they are like, this would be great. I'm still looking. I have a lot in the bag, but I really want someone that's, like, speak to me, you know? August 11. So I don't want you to know when we have things to say about it, we will promote it. Yeah. So where the whole event. Okay, well, we're working our listeners find you. Yeah. I want to reach out to you. You? Yeah. So, Instagram. I am Taylor Stafford. I don't really use other social media platforms at the moment, but also you can go to my website, Woman Against Taboo Dawg. Send me an email through there. We also have other volunteering opportunities that we can do that we have offered every once in a while. So if you are interested in volunteering and then yeah, reach out to me. If you're in undergrad, if you're interested in the seminar, reach out to me. Also just reach out to me if you have any questions. I like to work for free these days. So, you know, it's a form of love. It really is. Reading work is the highest form of love, whether or not you get paid for it. Yeah. if he can make a change in someone's life. I love it. You've done it. Yeah. Yeah. So My door is always open. It's hours. Yeah. For office, hours for Taylor. Getting your piece. It's a doctorate. So there's two different nursing routes. So a Ph.D. is strictly research. Doctorate is clinic and sage. Okay, so. Wow, I can go, girl. That's incredible. Thank you. Let's focus school. It's hard. Or get my thank you for coming. Thank you for having me. And again, you guys can find her at I am Taylor Stafford on Instagram and also for our website, Women Against Taboo Dot or. Yes. All right. Well, we'll see you guys in the next episode by.

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