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When Our Adult Children Walk Away
My story. Reflecting my experiences, observations and perspective - in my words.
In the early spring of 2019, under the coercive influence of her abusive gatekeeper partner, in the heart of the global pandemic and after several years of trying to sort through our erratic relationship, my (young) adult daughter made the heartbreaking choice to cut all communication with our family.
I understand now that for a very long time, through her high school and college years, she tried to get her messages across to me. I recall instances when she asked me to listen, pay attention, and understand her better, to accept her evolving boundaries, to recognize her as an emerging adult, and to adjust my communication style to be more respectful of her emerging adulthood. She needed and expected a change in our relationship, in our boundaries, and in my recognition of her as a young woman. I didn't take her seriously and didn't listen to learn. I listened to respond, explain and convince.
It took many months after she went no-contact for me to cycle through my grief. Like you, I experienced disbelief, anger and hopelessness before I could begin to recognize and accept my role in the reality of our circumstances. Even then, as I began to take responsibility for my contributions, my pain, confusion and hopelessness were often overwhelming.
As difficult as it is to admit. I've come to accept that my contributions to our fractured relationship played a substantial role in her vulnerability to the charm of a narcissist. In her case, he was also her supervisor. The inherent power differential, her desire to please her boss, and her need for income positioned her perfectly to be manipulated and controlled. Eventually, she succumbed to his advances, and the rest is history.
Today, I humbly and gratefully report that my daughter, our family and I have reconnected. My daughter found her voice and the inner strength to leave a toxic and dangerous relationship, pack up her children, and return to our family. After extensive therapy and with strong family support, Brianna (she prefers Bri) often consults with me as I coach estranged parents and adult children who want to understand their circumstances and embrace their new emerging self-awareness.
My name is Dr. Janet Steinkamp, and the reason for this podcast is simple. During the long, dark hours of my isolation and desperation, I decided to use my education and professional (and personal) experience to help people struggling to understand their communication style, interpersonal behavior and estrangement circumstances. I now coach people through their darkest hours, isolation, and desperation to find hope and look toward the future, to grow despite and because of their estrangement, and find strategies that help them prepare to repair their relationship.
When you are ready to walk through the hot coals of self-reflection toward self-discovery - to prepare for repair - I'm here to walk alongside you. In each episode of the When Our Adult Children Walk Away podcast, we explore topics relevant to all who hope to reconnect with an estranged adult child or who are estranged from their parents. The material in each episode relates explicitly to the messy and exhausting fresh hell of estrangement.
When Our Adult Children Walk Away podcast, blog, interviews, group conversations, and 1:1 coaching are at your fingertips. Though I can't promise reconnection, I can and will help you find clarity, purpose and strength as you prepare for opportunities to reconnect. WOACWA offers a judgment-free space to face and explore the unbearable.
When Our Adult Children Walk Away
Peeling the Onion One Layer At a Time (Layer 3): Gatekeepers & Coercive Control
This episode is only available to subscribers.
When Our Adult Children Walk Away Premium
Exclusive access to premium content!Learn about navigating “Gatekeepers” without triggering coercive abuse and further estrangement.
In this deeper dive on coercive control, you’ll learn how to keep the light on for your adult child when a partner is acting as a gatekeeper. Dr. Janet shows you how to stay calm under pressure, send short and safe messages that won’t be weaponized, choose lower-risk communication channels, and avoid feeding the power dynamic.
You’ll get word-for-word response ideas (“respond, don’t react”), ways to validate without inserting yourself, and a realistic plan for the long game—staying warm, neutral, and available over months, not days. You’ll also hear when therapy (not coaching) is the right next step, how to use allies wisely (without creating “flying monkeys”), and how to care for your own mental health while you support your child.
If gatekeeping has you feeling shut out, this episode gives you grounded, compassionate steps you can take today.
Episodes specifically related to this episode:
- Wait! What? You're leaving?! Does this mean we're estranged?
- 5 Signs Your Relationship with Your Adult Child is Unraveling: The yin and yang of estrangement.
- What is the Difference: Independence or Estrangement
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For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!
The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.
The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.