Reimagining Love and Empowerment: ValentiMe's Traditions and Challenging Gender Roles

Twenty years of marriage have taught me the profound beauty in creating traditions that speak love into the lives of those I cherish most. As I reflect on the personal journey of sticking heartfelt love notes on my children's doors, I'm joined by Nicole, a single mother whose perspective on Valentine's Day has evolved from one of sadness to an empowering celebration of gratitude and self-love. Together, we peel back the layers of this holiday, examining the tapestry of emotions it invokes and the significance of self-care amidst the month of love.

Nicole and I then waltz through the delicate interplay of traditional gender roles and the empowerment of modern women, a dance as intricate as it is essential. We lay bare our thoughts on managing a household and nurturing children while fiercely holding onto our independence. Our dialogue spans from the influence of past generations to the present-day quest for balance in love and partnership. This episode isn't just a conversation; it's an exploration of the complexities of contemporary societal roles and what it means to both serve out of love and stand strong in one's convictions.

Follow our journey on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/fuel_for_thought_podcast/

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:03

Welcome back to a few of the thought empowering women's live, healthier lifestyles. I'm Tracy Elizabeth, I'm Nicole Heller and here we are.

Speaker 2 0:11

I'm so excited to be back. We are in out Valentine shirts, I'm so excited. So Valentine's, valentine's, so let's talk about that quickly. So I think that it bothers some people the way I say Valentine's day with an M. Does it bother you? I can't hear it. I don't hear the difference that some people that have a little bit of a I don't know, is it a Long Island accent, maybe an Italian accent, I don't know. But like when I say it sometimes, when I say quick, I say Valentine's day, and it has a little bit of an M in there and I think that it bothers some people. Why would it bother people? I don't know. Only people have a thing like potato potato.

Speaker 2 0:46

It's supposed to be like what an N, but whatever. So we do have our Valentine's Vineyard Vines shirts on today that are red and white and they have, like the whale with all the you know hearts on it, so it's my favorite. These were actually my son's old shirts. We're wearing Sean shirts. Yeah, these were Sean and Sean and Ryan's from back in the day, when they would wear matching shirts for Valentine's Day. Now they won't wear them anymore.

Speaker 1 1:06

Makes me so sad Time flies but it makes us feel good that we can wear their shirts, that's very sure these were their shirts from like fifth grade.

Speaker 2 1:12

Um, so we're coming to you today with Valentine's Day. Today is actually oh, she said it right Valentine's I'm watching your mouth. Yeah, valentine's Day. Um, so we're coming to you today on Valentine's Day, february 14th. Oh, I get to spend it with you. Oh, that's sweet. Um, so, with two perspectives. So I am married this year for actually 20 years, wild, oh my gosh, that makes me feel like super older, so you celebrated 20 plus Valentine's days with Terrence.

Speaker 2 1:49

Yes, well, we, well, we actually we started dating in 1988. So I think that that makes us together for like even longer. Math is not my strong suit, but married this year for 20 years Okay, um, in November so and we have four kids together. Um, together forever, ever, like, forever, ever. You know, like one of those things celebrating lots and lots of Valentine's days, and you're coming from a perspective of not celebrating Single. So, like, what's your like? How do you feel from a single perspective on Valentine's, like when you get up in the morning, or like through February, when you're seeing, like all the hearts and all, like the commercials, all the commercials for, like Jared and Cased Jewelers, and like all the all the flops like dinners yeah like how are you, how are?

Speaker 1 2:40

you feeling emotionally about it.

Speaker 1 2:42

So in the past I would feel sad, I would dread the day, but I think I more so.

Speaker 1 2:49

I think my perspective changed after I had my son because he loved it, like he loved the excitement of like the chocolate and, like you know, the little cards and post it notes and that you know he would get for me.

Speaker 1 3:01

So I think that it was more for me of not really acknowledging the day of love with a significant other, but love just as a day to acknowledge that it's here, like let's just take the times who appreciate each other and really plan out something to do with him and make it more exciting that way.

Speaker 1 3:19

So I do wake up with a little bit of sadness and a little bit of hope that maybe one day I will get to celebrate Valentine's Day in a way that maybe you and Terence do or a lot of my other friends do, because there is a little bit of envy some days when, especially on social media, when you see the flowers come up in the breakfast and bed and Mr Rob, over here, I know you always do something great for your wife, like you know, that little bit of envy of saying I wish I had that, but then just everything that I've learned over the years to stay in gratitude and look at what I have and what can I do for myself, for me, to make that day special for me, and then also what I can do with AJ to make it fun and exciting.

Speaker 2 3:58

Is there something special you're planning today for yourself? Nope.

Speaker 1 4:03

Yes, I am going to get a pedicure today and I purposely save that because you know it's my birthday. I don't know if you know. I know, I know it's your birthday month. I am well aware, so I elongate my birthday to the birthday month so I can space it out and do things for Valentine's Day and other things during this month that I, you, know don't always look full.

Speaker 1 4:21

It is self love, self care, february. So I got my nails done for my birthday Beautiful but I did not get the pedicure on purpose so that I can save it for today.

Speaker 2 4:30

I love that. Do you do anything special through the month of February? Like for AJ? Oh, I'm like. I know, I know you do things for yourself in the month of February, but like for like.

Speaker 2 4:42

I do so like I know, like for me, like the month of February and I think my kids like it's a tradition that I've always done and I think my kids are teenagers now, so like I feel like they're getting a little tired of it. But something that I really love to do is I buy those little foam hearts the dollar store or whatever. Actually, the dollar store didn't have them this year, so I ordered them on Amazon and I write on them like reasons why you know we love each other, like they make them write them to each other, and then I stick it on their door so.

Speaker 1 5:10

I'm not crafty right now, it's just a foam heart. It's like a big deal, it's like a shorty. That's not AJ style. Aj wants to go to tellers and order his lobster mac and cheese and order his steak. So, like AJ is more about like celebrating outside, like doing things, not just eating, but being able just to like maybe go to the movies or go bowling, like something that we typically don't do. Those little love cards and love notes I feel like that doesn't work for me and I feel like over time I've learned that set me up for disappointment, right Cause we wait for that for somebody else. So I think, just really having conversations about AJ asking what does he want to do on that day, I do buy him something like I'll make a little basket or like I don't know bag full of like his favorite things that we typically don't have in the house. But we mainly try and get out of the house and do something.

Speaker 2 5:59

I think that that's very sweet.

Speaker 1 6:00

I have a question for you. So 20 plus years celebrating this love day with your husband, like, did you feel like, over time, like any disappointments on Valentine's Day? Since we're talking about wow, I spoke about it, yeah.

Speaker 2 6:14

So I have to say we have consistently done the same thing for Valentine's Tynes Day for 20 years. Like we, he buys me the same thing. We've never done like really big gifts for Valentine's Day. I feel you don't get a Louis Vuitton, no, not for Valentine's Day, christmas, my birthday, mother's Day, you know that's the end of my day.

Speaker 1 6:35

I don't know, I'm not so bad. He's both Valentine's Day.

Speaker 2 6:37

Valentine's Day has always been flowers and my favorite chocolate. So my favorite chocolate is Turtles. It's my favorite chocolate, and he always buys me flowers and Turtles. The right flowers, the right flowers Always the right flowers.

Speaker 1 6:48

What's your favorite?

Speaker 2 6:49

flower. I mean, I do have a favorite flower.

Speaker 1 6:51

I know you do.

Speaker 2 6:51

But like I do love roses for Valentine's Day.

Speaker 1 6:54

Like it's just what color.

Speaker 2 6:55

For Valentine's Day. I do like red, but I do like pinks. I like different colors, like I like a variety.

Speaker 1 7:00

I like purple.

Speaker 2 7:01

I do like purple. I don't think I've ever gotten purple, but they're pretty.

Speaker 1 7:05

That's my favorite, but they're pretty, but I do like February.

Speaker 2 7:08

Of course, of course. But Valentine's Day has always been and I know this may sound, and I think we should talk about this a little bit I know this may sound not very, I don't know maybe empowered women, but Valentine's Day for me is a woman's holiday. I'll buy turns of card, but I don't really get him anything. Is that terrible? Yes, I mean, sometimes I buy him a Reese's Heart, but they deserve love too. I do love him, but I do love him very much, but I get him a card.

Speaker 1 7:37

This is probably the only one time that I heard you speak of something that is a conditioned way of living that you're supporting.

Speaker 2 7:45

No, I want to talk about this because I was actually thinking about this this morning when I was getting ready and I wanted to talk about this today with you. I do feel like it's a woman's day, but I do love him and I expressed my love for him that day. She loves you, terrence. I do love him, she's on a public podcast.

Speaker 1 8:03

I love you.

Speaker 2 8:04

I do love you. I do buy him a card. He loves Reese's, so I'll buy him the Reese's Heart. You know what I mean. But he does buy me flowers. He buys me a card. He buys me the turtles every year. You know, when we were younger, before we had kids and Valentine's Day wasn't on a Wednesday, when we have four teenagers and they're going in 100 different directions, we would go out to dinner on the Wednesday. Now we probably go on the weekend because it is what it is in schedules. But so my question to you is this has been controversy and I have been researching it on the internet a little bit and seeing different reels.

Speaker 1 8:34

Did you?

Balancing Traditional Roles and Women's Empowerment

Speaker 2 8:35

ask Al no. So I've been seeing different reels about it and a lot of it has been coming up on social and a lot of it has been coming up in different blogs that I've been reading. Do you believe that women today, in 2024, can be in service of their husband? What does that mean? Wait, be I'm like, wait, wait, wait. Want to live traditionally, want to live to serve and be home and allow their husbands that role, while also feel empowered and strong and feminine as a woman Like do you believe that you can serve your husband and also be a strong, empowered woman? I don't think so.

Speaker 2 9:34

Like I'm talking about roles of, like being home taking care of the children, Like the 30s and 40s my mom having food on the table when your husband comes home for more. Oh, that's out for me.

Speaker 1 9:46

No, that's out for you, for whoever ends up loving me.

Speaker 2 9:48

I mean like I got an Aunt.

Speaker 1 9:49

Friar.

Speaker 2 9:50

I'm like kind of like the old school. Old school like my grandmother. Like my grandmother would say, nicole, you know, when your grandfather was coming home from work, like I would fix my hair before he would come home. You know, like I would, you know, take my apron off, fix my hair and dinner would be on the table.

Speaker 1 10:10

Your grandmother also gave me advice no kissing on the first date.

Speaker 2 10:12

Right, right, but do you believe that you can live now, in 2024, in that old school I don't want to call it old school, but that traditional mindset of being in service of your husband? I want to say something. I want to say something. I mean it's listening to.

Speaker 2 10:33

Sarah, you look like you're struggling over there Because I want to say something, because what I've been reading on the internet and because what I want to say is very controversial and I don't want to honestly deal with the, with the backlash that we're probably gonna get Like a Betty Holm maker. It's not really a homemaker, it's really a oh my God, I want so it's in service of your husband.

Speaker 1 10:53

You're like saying, like do the women duties, but you don't want to say that. Is that what you're trying to say? I guess so, but like a stereotype. Woman should be home, cooking and cleaning, but still be strong and independent.

Speaker 2 11:05

Yeah, stereotype is part of it, but really just taking care of your home. Taking care of your home and being there when your husband comes home and your husband is taking care of the other things. Your husband is taking care of the bills, your husband is taking care. He's working. You're not working. You're taking care of the children. You're taking care of the home. While also feeling strongly about certain having convictions and being strong and empowered, do you feel that you can take on both roles in the world as a woman?

Speaker 1 11:32

It was. So I was thinking about it this morning and I was like kind of like in my prayer time and thinking like I want somebody to have some role of responsibility that I take on now, that I can kind of step back from Like I literally was saying this to myself in the car like I want to be able to come, like we just talked about this yesterday, where Terrence was like you gotta call the tax guy, you gotta make the appointment. I'm like all right, I'm on it, terrence, but I want that a man in my life to kind of take over. Like I have to actually call Rob's brother-in-law to come pick up my car to do an oil change, I have to pay my bills, I have to do the tax guy, I have to do those things.

Speaker 1 12:10

That as a single mom and a single woman, there are days that I do want a man just to take care of those things. That's kind of like what you're saying, and I don't think that if I met a man that was willing to do those things because he felt that that was his role and he was raised to be a man in that role, that I would take a step back and not be as independent or supportive or appreciative that I am now, I don't think that would change who I am. I think it just depends on the person of where they feel their role is and what's important to them and what's important in a relationship, right.

Speaker 2 12:45

So I think that when I think about Valentine's Day and how I show love for Terrence, like I consider myself a very strong, empowered, very strong Right, like a very strong, empowered woman through the years of developing my voice and I am at times a little too vocal about certain things but like when I think about showing my love to Terrence, like there are times that you know, like I will feel strongly about those traditions that my grandmother and my family have instilled in me.

Speaker 2 13:15

I do want to have dinner for Terrence, I do want to make sure that laundry is done, I do want to make the bed, I do want to do things that are, you know, those old school things for him and serve him in those ways, while also and being home with you know, as a mother, was a decision that Terrence and I made years ago when we got married that I would be home with our children and he would work and I would stay home with. That was a decision early on that I was not gonna work and I was gonna stay home. That's a decision we made together. So like that's something that's very important to me and that's a way that I show my love for him in service of him, you know, for our marriage, but that doesn't question my ability and strength as a woman. And empowerment and I think that's a lot of the controversy that I've been reading about is can we be in service of our husband, can we respect and honor them and serve them while also being able to remain strong and have our convictions?

Speaker 1 14:20

Well, I think it's compatibility of who you're with and, like you said it three times, it was a decision and I think it was something how you were raised, how Terrence was raised, you guys came together that you were compatible, you discussed what you wanted in your relationship, what you wanted in your future, and it works. I think it's just a matter of the type of person that that woman is and the type of person that man is to come together and make that decision and some relationships. And I think that from my experience like I have a friend of mine where her husband is that man Like I want to come home, I want my dinner, I want the laundry done, I want the house clean, and she does it all and she's not bothered by it. And Valentine's comes, she gets the breakfast in bed with the little flowers and the nice card and flowers sent. She he's modeling that for their daughter, like so that that's something that she will expect, that she gets older and she has a boyfriend now 16. So I'm sure she's waiting for those flowers and stuff.

Speaker 1 15:16

But I think it's just a matter of who you are as a person and who are you aligning yourself to be with and spend your life with Cause. It could go the other way. You can end up being that strong, centered woman that you don't want a man to do any of those things. And, like I said for me, I've been doing these things by myself, so I could be a person that says I don't need a man, Like, no, I want a man. Do I need one? No, but I want one. And I do want those moments that I can serve and make dinner maybe but order.

Speaker 1 15:46

But no, there've been times that I've made things for people that I like, cause I wanted to, and it makes me feel good, even if it's burger and an air fry or like I may do something. So I think that it's a good thing to be, that way.

Speaker 2 15:59

Yeah, I mean Terrence made dinner last night. It was great. Well, I think, all right. So it's Valentine's Day and I think we want to leave everybody with, whether you're fixing your hair and getting yourself feeling amazing for your husband, or if you're doing it for yourself, yeah, if you're doing it for yourself, or if you're getting ready to take out your son, or hang out with your daughter and go get your nails done, whatever it is, make it that time where it's just about looking inward and loving.

Speaker 1 16:30

Yeah, and don't get caught up in the social media of what other people are doing and what they're receiving.

Speaker 1 16:35

Oh my goodness, please, like I said, there could be that moment that you look at something and feel a certain way, but just take a deep breath and poise and know that you can control your own happiness on this day. People brush it off like it's commercialized holiday in it. It can be, but it can also be what you make it out to be. So do what you want to do and don't focus on what you don't have. Focus on what you have, and I think that that's one beautiful thing that I've learned, like maybe I'll go and buy myself flowers today, like purple roses. I like that.

Speaker 2 17:04

I'll buy you flowers.

Speaker 1 17:05

Yeah, Maybe let's see. It's not on my agenda, but if I felt I was missing something then I would go do it myself. I want to sit there and cry that no one's buying me flowers.

Speaker 2 17:15

I think that's a really good takeaway. And since we talked about, like you know, this season being all about like going unplugged and getting your yeah together, you know that whole thing, Like if you're feeling like something's missing, do it Go get it. Like just do it, like there's no reason to sit there and cry about it, like get your stuff together.

Speaker 1 17:34

Yeah, Go make it happen. I mean, I hated Valentine's Day for so long and I would complain the whole month and that's why I turned my birthday into a big thing. And then Valentine's Day is not really a big thing, but it's a day that I know that I'm not going to focus on and sit here and dwell that I'm still single and I'm not getting anything. But I can do whatever I want myself to make myself happy.

Speaker 2 17:53

And I think the best marriage advice I can give is that if your husband is not doing something that you expect him to do, it's just communicate and just tell him oh my goodness, yes, just tell him Like you want flowers.

Speaker 1 18:04

If you want the purple flowers, just tell him you want the purple flowers.

Speaker 2 18:08

Like, stop expecting something that he has no idea about. Like, just tell him. Like, just make it happen. All right, I'm down. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Thank you so much for hanging out with us. We will see you guys on the next episode. All of our handles are below. We would love to hear how you spent your Valentine's Day, whether you were married for 500 years, like me, whether you were hanging out single with Tracy. I am currently taking applications for anyone that would like Tracy to cook a hamburger in her air fryer for you. I am taking the applications directly.

Speaker 1 18:40

She's manifesting it, I am manifesting it.

Speaker 2 18:42

I am taking the applications directly, tracy is single and I will be taking interviews. Please check out my handle below. I will see you guys next time. Hashtags have a good day, guys.