Pockets Of Time
Pockets Of Time
Ep 13: A Journey Towards Self-Acceptance Beyond Eating Disorders
When you're caught in the grips of an eating disorder, it feels like you're drowning while everyone else is breathing, doesn't it? Today we're shining a spotlight on this secretive struggle with the help of our courageous guest, Autumn Berrier. Autumn, a gifted photographer, unveils the raw realities of her journey, starting with a high-school desire to fit in that spiraled into a debilitating fixation with restrictive eating and obsessive exercise.
Unleashing hushed conversations about the expectations of societal and familial pressures on body image, this episode ventures into the struggles faced by individuals living with conditions like anorexia and exercise bulimia. As Autumn peels back the layers of her own transformation towards self-acceptance, we’re reminded of the importance of gratitude, self-love, and the potent power of affirmations. We've all heard that words have power, but do we truly realize their potential in manifesting our beliefs and desires?
In the final leg of our journey, we reflect on the importance of fostering communities that resonate with our struggles, reminding us that we aren't alone. Autumn’s steady ascent from the depths of her eating disorder to a place of self-love and acceptance serves as potent inspiration for those walking a similar path. So buckle up, open your hearts, and prepare to be moved by this episode as we embrace the power of shared stories, spreading love and positivity one conversation at a time.
Welcome to Pockets of Time. I'm Chunky Panda. Dive in as we uncover those unexpected gems of clarity and inspiration, from mental being to light-hearted fun. We're all about growth and a positive mindset. Looking for a lift or some clear-headed insights. You're in the right pocket. Let's unravel the magic together. Welcome, welcome, welcome back to another episode on Pockets of Time. I am here with a special guest and friend of mine, autumn. And your last name I keep calling you.
Speaker 2:You can make it fancy, just make it say Berrier.
Speaker 1:Berrier, altam Berrier here. She is a badass photographer, definitely is really good at capturing the moments and making you feel so comfortable. Yeah, and I met Autumn. Shit, how long has it been? It's been like four years.
Speaker 2:It's been a minute, it had been 2018.
Speaker 1:Yes, maybe I'm.
Speaker 2:Because it was way before.
Speaker 1:COVID Wow, so that would put us at pretty much five years.
Speaker 2:Holy cow, that's insane yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's almost Christmas. Like tomorrow is Christmas, dude. I was like we're in November. I don't get it anymore, my mind is in February. Still, that's how I Can we have a pause button?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But on today's episode, we are definitely going to be touching base on a little bit of eating disorder, and whatever comes out from this conversation Could be anything. Yeah, and I feel like we had already started talking. We're like God. We need to grab the mic and start talking. Yeah, if there's anything else you would like to, add and I'm good, like I'm ready to go.
Speaker 2:I'm fired up, girl. All right, let's go.
Speaker 1:I guess we'll start with the challenges and pretty much like the whole eating disorder I don't know 100% of it. I feel like I probably went through some of it myself as a kid and not realized it. At what point did you realize that you were having an eating disorder?
Speaker 2:It took me? I think it took me. I love that cup. By the way, I'm upset Starbucks cup.
Speaker 1:When am I going there? They?
Speaker 2:get me. It's so bad. I know I got eight of them.
Speaker 1:I don't need it, but I did. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:So I think it took me about. So it came in stages. I started out with going to Interexa because I wanted to originally. It's a long story how I got there, but originally the core of it all had to come from me wanting to change from going to junior year to senior year and I was always growing up being that one that was just not on the cusp of being popular but just really on the cusp of being really nobody. If anybody wanted to pick on anybody, I was the easy target. So I wanted to change that and I wanted to think that I'll just show up on senior year completely different. And so I got myself a journal and I started logging in my food and started doing no more than 500 calories and if I did anything lower than that I gave myself a little smiley face, a little star.
Speaker 2:But the fucked up part of it all was going through that stage I was also doing four. I would get home from school around two something and I'd get on the treadmill for about four hours, three to four hours of just either walking or really going fast as a Not a sprint but almost like a nice jog. And I would watch the Food Network channel. I would watch Emeril Lagasse, and I have no freaking clue why. I guess because I was watching something that I couldn't have mentally, and so I would watch it, and then, before my parents got home, I would make food for them that I couldn't eat. So it was literally just something to either as a torture device and, well, as control over. I don't have to have that, I'm not going to have that, and I'm going to get where I want to be the quickest way possible.
Speaker 1:Wow, and that's interesting that you say that you were watching the Food Network channel, because I know that a lot of people who end up actually competing like bodybuilding, physique and stuff like that I have a lot of friends who tell me they're like, yeah, the times that because they couldn't eat what they wanted to eat, they would literally watch these random Instagram videos of people making food things that they couldn't eat, but it was like a fixation that they would have for a little bit.
Speaker 2:So it's interesting that you say that because I thought about it and I'm like man, I've heard that before.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was not fun, no. And then after that. So I had the anorexia and then the it's I think called exercise bulimia, which is the four hours and everything. It got to the point where my parents took away the key to the treadmill and I would get up at 11 or 12 o'clock at night, know where that key is and try to do my session without them knowing. But then we went to my mom and I went to Michigan and we went to go see her sister and her daughter. My mom's sister ended up making brownies, the daughter ended up getting super sick from eating way too much and something just went off in my head and go, oh shit, I can eat and then I can just go and urge and get it all out, and then I'll have zero calories, and then on top of that I'll be doing my workout like I'll be skinny in no time. But I got down to 95 pounds and I'm five, six, almost five, seven. Yeah, it was not good. No, I didn't see it, though.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like when you're in it you don't, when sometimes it could be a lot of like outside things like you see on, like social media, the media, or even like sometimes your parents being jokingly and they don't realize that they're implementing something into your head that it's just hard for you to process because you're already in this part. Yeah, I'm sorry and you look amazing now and I hope that you're in a better headspace. You look like you're better in a better headspace.
Speaker 2:I battle with body dysmorphia all the time. I don't see what other people see. I just strive for something better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can definitely relate. I think when I was little my parents were very tough. Love was the thing, and sometimes when you're little you don't believe something and you hear it enough times, then you start to see it. And then when you start to see it, you can't undo it and I think that there would be times where I would starve myself. And then there was a point in time where I scared the shit out of myself because this is, I think I was in like high school and I didn't know any better, and someone gave me like one of those diet pills that has like a lot of caffeine in it, like yellow jacket, it had some kind of African root in there and like green tea extract, and it was like it started with the R row, robie, I don't have to look it up, but it was like the darnest thing because I would starve myself and I was like that's not enough because I'm a little bit more thicker than the typical, like Asian. If you went and went back to Asia, everyone's like small bones skinny, and I just was never going to be that because I just don't have it in my genetics.
Speaker 1:And I took that pill and I had never had caffeine before I thought I was going to die. I literally had to call my dad because I was freaking out. They took me to the doctor and they had to talk me through it. But just like I'm just over here, like hyperventilating and I'm like I'm feeling nauseous and like that, right there just told me I think that was for me was like a wake up call. It was a light wake up call, but yeah, that scared me, holy shit. Yeah, you probably had a panic attack.
Speaker 1:I had definitely had a panic attack, but I thought I was having a heart attack. I thought I was about to die and I was just like because I had never. Now I'm like caffeinated out the ass. Yeah, it's a norm now If I don't have a cup of coffee and some pre-workout on nada.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I still can't do pre-workout. That shit, I can't do it, no matter what, even without the tingles, I can't do it. Yeah it sucks.
Speaker 1:I love that stuff, though, do you? Is it a condition, or?
Speaker 2:no, it's because I'm going and doing intermittent fasting and so there's so much shit out there that says you can have it, you can't have it. There are certain things that make it sugar-free that shouldn't have when you're intermittent fasting and spuck it, I'm not going to even touch it. I love that stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow, kudos to you for intermittent. I don't, I would have the hardest time, but I'm sure at this point it's like a lifestyle.
Speaker 2:It was the same way, like I used to get up I was telling Corey when we were first starting this. I said if I don't get up and eat within 30 minutes, I'm nauseous. And so that's I had to get. It's just a mindset, because it's just a hormone that's in your body, that's telling your body that you're hungry. It's not like your body starving, it's just a signal sent into your brain. So once I got over that battle, then it was easy to do Wow.
Speaker 1:Never really thought about it that way, but that makes sense, because I'll wake up in the middle of the night, at five in the morning, just to eat and then go back to bed.
Speaker 2:That's where I was. I swear to God.
Speaker 1:I should really look into this you don't like it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and if you do do keto or anything, I do not. I think my relationship with food is more of a give and take. Yeah, so I feel like a lot of the times people have issues because you cut out completely like a type of food and you're like I'm going to eat clean like all the time and just not do this and that, but then when you get a taste of something, it's like you binge and you cannot stop. So for me, I try to keep a very because it's taken me a long time to get here an outlook of okay, if I'm going to eat this, then I'm going to be good for the rest of the day. So I still do desserts and stuff like that, but I don't like over binge on certain things, If that makes sense.
Speaker 2:What is something that you could not live without. What kind of food, no matter what. You would have to incorporate it back into a diet if you were on a diet.
Speaker 1:I just Korean barbecue oh there you go. Yeah, korean barbecue, and I love pastries.
Speaker 2:That one's good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I have to limit myself a little bit, but coffee I could not go without coffee. I think that's one thing that like maybe is a little unhealthy, but it's better than a lot of other things, for sure.
Speaker 2:See, and that one's another one where it's a gray area. People say it's really good for you and some people say it's not. But I have heard that if you have your coffee when you first wake up, you're either putting yourself in a cortisol state and stress and your body's having to rely on it versus you should be waking up with the sun and the sun should be waking you up.
Speaker 1:I think it's also interesting. You say that I think there was something that I was reading that said the first thing you shouldn't do is drink coffee, like maybe an hour of after you're awake so your body can regulate. I think that's the best method, but I've been doing like cold showers in the morning too, and oh fuck, that it's yeah.
Speaker 1:No, I will tell you it's rough. I get in there and I know I already know, just looking and just I put my toe in and I'm like, oh fuck, I was like I don't know, oh and. But it's definitely a mind over matter kind of thing.
Speaker 2:Did you do 75 heart? Is that what made you do that?
Speaker 1:No, I just read some of the benefits of taking cold showers. It definitely wakes you up, for sure. I am definitely ready to go and sometimes I don't feel like I need coffee, but coffee is a part of my day. Later on in the day I'll drink it, but I try not to over caffeinate because you can build a tolerance.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And then you're consuming so much that your your heart's going to be like hell. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:That's awesome.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's crazy, I know. Yeah, going back to the. So you had anorexia and you had what is exercise? Bulimia, yeah.
Speaker 2:And then I went bulimic as well all three at the same time. And the only thing that stopped me and this was another thing that I decided to add on to it was I was a smoker at that point, because in your twenties you're indestructible. But we when I was working at a seafood restaurant, and it was like it was our code that if we wanted to go have a smoke, that we'd go into the bathroom and we would stand up on the toilet because the vent was up there, and then we had like, when the door closed, there was no openings whatsoever. There was a heavy ass door. There was nothing on the side of the stall where you could see the other person's feet or above, so it was just like a.
Speaker 2:It was just like a little tight room. I went in there and I told people I was going to go smoke and I had originally eaten vegetables. My mind freaked out when I looked down at the vegetables and I saw how much oil was on these veggies, and so I just quickly panic and went into the restroom to take care of that and a piece of broccoli got caught stuck in my throat, and so for 45 seconds which felt like 45 minutes I was jumping up and down. I was trying to get that to go down.
Speaker 2:And all I could picture was someone was going to find me like this that was how I was going to be remembered or this is how she died, and so that in itself made me quit that altogether, and, to be honest, I can't even remember how I got away from eating just only 500 calories. I think it just papered off because of that one incident. But yeah, that shit was no fun.
Speaker 1:That's funny because, like my whole pill, like it's like this thing where you shocked yourself to the point where you're like I could actually potentially die, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh yeah, good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I'm not saying that. I'm glad that you got a wake up call.
Speaker 2:Oh, I know, I am too. I 100%, because I wouldn't be here, I think. I would go that. I would probably have gone to be extreme yeah.
Speaker 1:What are some things that have helped you be better about it? Because I feel like it's something, that it's like a balance. You know what I mean. It's you're never going to be 100% like, oh, I'm so happy with myself and some days are going to be better than others, but what are tools and things that you've utilized over time that has helped you be better with that?
Speaker 2:I think it had to do. It was a battle to get myself started with it, but affirmations was absolutely key. And then, not to mention having a 14 year old daughter who she is constantly watching everything I do, so having to know that I'm inspiring her to be something like I, have to step up and be that person.
Speaker 1:You inspire me too, just so you know.
Speaker 2:Yes, you do, but yeah, no. But affirmations were huge and I still do it to this day. I get very spiritual when it comes to stuff like that because every morning I try to get up and I've slacked the past couple of months just because I've been tired with weddings and everything and I haven't been able to get up at my three o'clock time. But normally I get up at three o'clock Three am.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'll start my. I start my grateful list. And the reason why I have to get up that early is because we take Lana to the gym, oh okay, and she has to be there at a certain time so she can get home and shower and then we have to get taken to school.
Speaker 2:But no I get up and I do grateful list. I call on all archangels and I call on universe to just guide me where I need to go that day and allow myself to see the things that I need to see in order for me to be the best person that I can possibly be for myself and for others, that's. Another thing is, if I don't show up for myself, I can't show up for anybody else.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's hard as shit to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can't save somebody while you're also drowning.
Speaker 2:That's why they tell you to put the mask on at the end of the airplane. Yeah, yeah, first.
Speaker 1:No, I am. I definitely love that outlook and positive affirmations are huge. And what are some that you tell yourself? If you don't mind sharing, oh, let me think no-transcript.
Speaker 2:One is I'm worth, what is it? I have it all written down too. I'm worth the time, I'm worth the weight, I'm worth getting to where I need to be as something along those lines, because I have it where it's all written down and then I have a whole thing. Where is it? I'm trying to think of how it goes. Every time I think of someone. Someone says affirmations.
Speaker 2:There's a movie that comes to mind where they go I am beautiful, I am smart, and that's not what I say to myself. I'll have to look it up at some point. I can pull it up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just always think it's different because everybody has a different set of them, and I also think that the energy and the intention that you put behind it is big. Oh yeah, yeah, and I feel like when people say affirmations, just like I said before, I feel like tone. Nobody talks about the tone that you use.
Speaker 2:That's true.
Speaker 1:And the position that you're in, because you could be slouched over and be like I am worth the weight, when you can ask it in like a questionable manner, or you could sit up and be like I am worth the weight. I am worth whatever. It is that the affirmations are and I feel like it does something different for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and if you don't look at yourself in the mirror either. That's the hard part is you have to face your fucking self Like you have to tell yourselves that's who I am, yeah.
Speaker 2:No, there's one that I go over and I say it three times. Why the hell I say it three times is beyond me, but it's, I think, eight things, and one of them is like the projects I've created and continue to create will see a huge return on investment and I get paid what I deserve. Money comes to me easily and effortlessly, and that's a whole thing. I'm just bringing an abundance for me. And then the other ones that I've started that I think have really made a huge change is where is it at that?
Speaker 1:I found and it's funny that you say that too, because when you think about it you think of Oprah Winfrey. I think it was her quote that she said you manifest. You don't manifest what you want, you manifest what you believe, and what you put out there Definitely affirmations helps you to that road. It helps.
Speaker 2:You see, yeah, and it helps. You do see certain things in life. This one was different. This one, I really held on to it's it goes. It's possible for others, so it's possible for me. Of course, I can have this or better. And then one of them is I am open and ready to receive what I desire, or even better.
Speaker 1:I love that you put the even better at the end, because a lot of the times we don't realize it, but we cap ourselves. We say I just want this, no, but there might be more for you. And if you just say that, then you only think that you're allotted that. So I love that you put a no caps on there.
Speaker 2:Hell yeah, because your parents don't even. But when we're growing up, like we're always been taught, money doesn't grow on trees. We can dream and be anything we want to be up until around 16, then we have to have all right, it's time for a reality check. You can't really be that. You need to have a nice job, you need to do all that. And that's where it fox us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think, like a lot of kids, they get capped when they're younger. On like the creativity parts of it.
Speaker 1:I know for me that it was like it was just like I lived in, like a not, I lived. I grew up. I did live. I grew up in a very strict Asian like family where I was first generation here. So for them they were like you have to be a doctor, you have to be this, you have to be that. But all the things that I wanted to do when I was younger was like sing, I wanted to be in drama, like I loved all the very artsy things, and for them it was like a no.
Speaker 1:And I think that I'm not upset. I was when I was younger and I didn't understand. But I do understand now that they were just doing the best that they thought was like the best outcome for me, even though it didn't help me along the way, but it also gave me time to understand myself a little bit more. So I feel like now I'm digging into that creative part of me that I lost, because I remember when I was younger it's we have such a wild imagination. I was writing poems and about just things that I was going through and it was just crazy. And now I'm like I need to get back to that.
Speaker 1:And yeah, so.
Speaker 2:You were definitely meant to be like the mold breaker. Clearly, seriously, cause I mean, I totally can relate to that 100% and the fact that you're a Leo it makes it. Yeah, you need to be in the spotlight, not behind them. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And like this whole time I've always said I just want to talk to people and you know it took me a second to get there and the whole self-belief thing was really tough because I would always hear all this external noise when I'd be like what makes me think that I could do this? And I look at all the other people and I'm like somebody started somewhere. It's just like any photographer started, like from the bottom up where they're just taking pictures, like maybe this looks good, maybe it doesn't, but you kept on with it and look at where you're at and how beautiful like you capture all these like moments with people.
Speaker 2:It took a while because there was a moment where I had to go. I can't be jealous of this one person with these amazing images, because that's not my path, clearly cause, or I would be on it. So someone else's path is not going to be your path and that's something that that was not fun to try to get through. That was muddy waters.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like, yeah, no, it's tough cause there's so many people out there and you're like, oh, the first thing that we want to do is compare ourselves, and it's like we're almost like taught to do that when we're younger. You know, in a sense, where when parents would try to get you to do better, they would like, applaud, like a certain action from another person, and then in your brain you would compute oh, this is what it is to get approval and get love and get seen. You're pretty much almost taught to start sizing yourself up, to be like a certain way.
Speaker 2:And I wonder if it has to do with just being. Comparing yourself to other people is just a distraction and in order for you not to realize what you need to do for yourself, and I think a lot of people probably do that too yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's when, sometimes, we do the thing where we go. Oh, I'm not going to be good enough as this person, so why even try? Right? That is yeah, that is pretty valid, and that's definitely something that I would get stuck on for the longest time.
Speaker 2:Like before we jumped on, we were talking about astrology, do? You fully believe in a lot of that.
Speaker 1:I believe it has. I believe it is real to a certain extent. Like I said, not everything is 100%, but a lot of it does resonate when you put in, like the signs of rising your moon and your Leo, because not every Leo is going to be the same. And then I think that I've been reading more on the human design, which has been really interesting to me and like the manifestor or the yeah. And I'm a Manifestor generator, that's God dang it.
Speaker 2:That's what I am.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and a hermit opportunist. Okay, I don't know what that is. A hermit opportunist is someone who they're like an extroverted introvert. Yeah, it actually is pretty valid to the way that I feel, and I'm still reading on it, so I may not know 100%, but I know it's just like they thrive off people but then at the same time, it's like they really need that alone time it's and I think maybe that's part of like my empathy where it's like I collect a lot of like emotions and feelings from people and sometimes I have to release that or I'm gonna go crazy.
Speaker 1:Hell, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Let me ask you this what was your, what's your birthday? August 18th 89. You need to look at his name is.
Speaker 1:Gary33. Have you heard of him? No, but I'm gonna look it up now that you've said something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he talks about numerology and he claims that numerology trumps over astrology.
Speaker 1:any day, I'm definitely a life path at number eight, and I think I did get my numerology chart read I'm an eight, and then I transition into a nine. Okay, don't really understand what that means. And then I go back into an eight.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he won't go over a nine for whatever reason, and he's made it a point that he's not gay. Keeping he's in there. There's just nothing that he goes over about nines, yeah, so I was gonna give you some insight, but nevermind, but I know that I'm an eight for sure, it's just that I think the lady that did my reading, she said that I transition, which I don't really understand what that means.
Speaker 1:But it makes sense because I'm in the most spiritual part of my life and I'm seeking and growing towards that in that way and really leaning into my intuition and listening to myself, which is before I was just like, no, it's not a big deal, and then I would go against it, but you had that gut wrenching feeling that was like no girl, this is really what's happening, but then you try to ignore it.
Speaker 2:They say that once you get everybody's life path because I'm a five and it shows where you are and what they say in reincarnation and stuff like that, where your sole purpose is coming back to earth so you're pretty close to getting up to even 11, 22, and 33, which are the master numbers, which are insane. That he even says, like a lot of people, for 33s he said Jesus had 33, einstein had 33. Those are just some big people who can change people's lives.
Speaker 2:Yeah well, you're like a couple of steps away to doing being that kind of person.
Speaker 1:I already think you're there. Thank you Really. No, thank you. That really means a lot, because sometimes I just you know how you just question yourself where you're like am I doing enough, am I saying enough? But I try to be better about the guilting Like. I guilt myself a lot because previously, like I said, sometimes I feel like I'm responsible for people's happiness and I have to realize that it is not my job. It's only my job to give advice that I think that people could use. But I can't be mad at myself for something that doesn't go all the way through when I'm trying to help somebody.
Speaker 2:Love you guys. Having checked out her Instagram and seeing this rock hard as body going to the damn gym Like that, when we first met, that was not you, that 100, you had a killer body, but you were just fucking beast mode yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that I was struggling with a lot of body dysmorphia at the time when I first met you, and then I also was not in a good relationship and I just was not in a good point in my life. I would try to work out, but it would like just fall apart. So I couldn't keep the consistency. And now it's like I'm doing it for me, Like I'm just really appreciating what my body can do, and I used to think, oh wow, if you work out too hard you're gonna look like a dude or every woman.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no my brother used to, just if they would just be like pinch me and they'd be like what is wrong with you? Stop thinking that way.
Speaker 2:No, I like that. Oh, let's see what's up.
Speaker 1:But I did have an ex at one point in my life where made me stubborn because and this was when I had really bad body dysmorphia I had an ex who would pinch me to see how fat I was.
Speaker 2:We're not gonna need it. When you get, when we get off, you'll be like I can go kill somebody.
Speaker 1:But yeah, no, it was just insane because I already had it growing up and having my parents say stuff and that kind of thing, but for the longest time I just thought that I had to be, like, more feminine and honestly, feminine is strong. So, whatever that looks like to you, don't let anybody cap you on that, let's just let's be real.
Speaker 2:We produce babies and we push those babies out of an entryway that should not be pushing things out. And some of us go through it and they're even comparing at least now they're saying that with people who are women, who have their really bad menstrual cycles in the pain. They say that they can actually compare it to a heart, like having a heart issue or heart attack or something like that, and that we just go on, our buyer of daily lives and just say it's normal. We're pretty badass with our pain threshold at least.
Speaker 1:Yep, yeah, I haven't thought about that yet, but one of these days. But you're badass. Yeah, I don't know about all that. No, I believe so Because, like I said, I would look at yourself and I'd be like, damn, like. I think when I met you were getting into your gym period.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and.
Speaker 1:I would just follow you and I'd be like God look at her back, Look at it, Everything that's going on.
Speaker 2:It's nice that I've been able to thank you for one, but I didn't get to really see it until I finally went back into old videos or old pictures on my. Oh okay, there is a little bit of difference. If you see yourself every day, you're not gonna see unless you document it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, it was funny. What did I do? I did a show and I sang on stage at one like I think two years ago, and I looked at that photo into comparison. Now I'm like wow. And when I tell people, I'm like, yeah, I was fat, it was like it's like one of those things where you, your fat isn't the same as what other people think. You know what I mean, you know what your body can do and you know where you've been. So it's more of like I was in my mind not looking as great as I could have and but that was like a lot of stress, a lot of stuff that came from being in really bad environments and relationships and that kind of thing. And I look at myself now and I'm like, holy crap, like I have definitely I've done a 180 and I'm honestly a lot more proud of that at this point because I want to look like a superhero. You do, yeah.
Speaker 2:You do, thank you. Is there anything like you feel like that you changed up with your food? I know you say that you were. You eat pretty much anything that you want, because you don't binge on.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm. Back then I ate whatever. I didn't have a cap on anything. Diet was not didn't matter. I just ate what I could, because I was always so stressed out all the time because I was working a job where I literally pretty much almost worked 24 hours. Yeah, you were bartender.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I was bartending, then I started managing, but then I always had three jobs. I never had one. I just couldn't. I don't know what it was, but I think it's also my coping mechanism where, as long as I stay busy, I never have to face myself yeah, and I didn't realize that was what I was doing. I was just. I thought I was just staying busy because of whatever it was. And being in this new relationship, I think I've done a lot more trips than I ever have. I've definitely made space for myself and now that I've done that, I can't even imagine life backwards. You know what I mean, where I was like how did I even do all that? I didn't even enjoy a single thing.
Speaker 2:You know what you need to do and I've tried to do this with my daughter, but it was. It's really cool to if you sit there and you actually just try to backtrack everything, because everything like happens for a reason. And at that point in time we're like, why the hell is this happening? And until we get to that point we're like, oh, I get it. But if you were to go back in time and just start like putting things together on the timeline, it's really cool to see why things happened the way they did, to get where you are now, to make sure that you were happy and what had to take place.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, I try to look back and see, like, with everything, with growing up and stuff like that, I think about it and I'm like if I didn't grow up in a rough environment, if I didn't have all those things that happened to me the bullying, the mishaps, the messed up friendships and all that stuff I would have I would never be the person that I am today and I would never be able to have a conversation with you where we could relate on things. And so I think that I'm definitely grateful for that and I should do that more often, because it's just beautiful seeing the growth of things. And I think that's the one thing that we don't think about, because we get caught up in like that what's next and we don't really go hey. So I really love that you do the grateful list.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was hard I'm not going to lie, man, because having to sit there and actually say because there's a certain point where you do it like I do 10 of them One is the first, one foremost is I'm grateful for my family and our health. And then I do even a couple of them that were that I'm trying to manifest into my life.
Speaker 2:So I already make sure that I'm grateful for that because I'm in that timeline to myself and then stuff that's that has happened, like here today was one of them to get to see you. But yeah, that's it's. Once you start getting into the routine of it, it really helps. You see some of the things that you should be grateful for, and then all it is it's going to bring universe go. Oh, okay, now they're grateful for this. Let me just give more.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I always, I always say this. I say people can manifest and they can ask the universe for whatever, but the thing is, if you're not doing the work and you're not making your deposits, it's just like throwing words into the air and expecting something to happen. So I love that you say that, because it is true. You have to do the work, you have to be consistent and you have to pretty much prove to yourself, not anybody else that you're worth that. Yeah, and you definitely are.
Speaker 2:So I love that. Yeah, if you don't take on opportunities like this, from when you asked me to do this, I there was like a pause. I'm like I don't think I can do this, and that's where I was like that's where I'm getting stuck is I'm saying no to things and not taking on an opportunity, because who knows who'll be able to listen to this and listen to us discuss this stuff and maybe change your mindset of one person, which is all it needs.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that's like the whole premise of like pockets of time you know, and I love that you all of that, yeah, what?
Speaker 1:made you think of that. It was just something that I had been going Like. It was just something that was ongoing in my life. There would be times where I would do something and, for some reason, some random person would just come and just say something and it was exactly what I needed to hear and I was just like holy crap, like so I was making the connections and I would also do that for other people that I didn't even know that I was doing. I would go I used to go to this hookah spot after I got off work, just wind down before going home, and I would have random conversations with people there and one day, like I had no idea that I did this for this guy but I was just talking to him about life and just about things that like, I don't even remember the conversation.
Speaker 1:I think I was just talking about life and things I went through and I think he was sharing some stuff that he was going through and I was just talking him through it and I had no idea that years later he came up to me and he said do you know that you helped me through one of the toughest times of my life? And he was telling me that at that time he was suicidal. And I had no idea. And it gives me chills, just like thinking about it, because you don't realize the power and the influence and when you're genuine with other people that you can have on them, and I had no idea and I was just genuinely just having a conversation, not thinking about it, and you know, it's just wow. We have that effect on people and I just want to be a ripple and I want to, you know, collaborate with other people and continue the ripple.
Speaker 2:So we're all energy, yes, and words are energy and that's why I think manifestation and stuff is so cool, because it's I think it is super powerful and I think that we can do whatever we want and we can't have whatever we want. But, like you said, if we don't put in the work and improve that we want it, or if we don't pass the test because universe is going to give you as many tests as possible to see if you're even ready for this new life or whatever If we don't pass those, then yeah, and this is why this whole podcast is so important to me, because I just it's been something that I've wanted to do for five years and when I would always talk about it, then I would talk myself out of it.
Speaker 1:I would just like, oh, I know I'm not good enough, or and I was like, no, I have to make my deposit, I have to. It's like I have to believe in it and and like everybody I meet, it's just been nice because people have been like wow, I really resonated with this and that. And I'm always like hey, guys, if you have any things that you think I could do better, let me know, because I'm always open to any kind of suggestions, because I love that you didn't say criticism I love that you said suggestions Go ahead, sorry yeah.
Speaker 1:But I've, I've definitely been better about those kind of things, because I feel like a lot of the times we operate from a place with ego. So for us, when someone says something, it's like we automatically like, just go. Oh my God, I can't believe they said that. Oh, it's so. I mean, I suck, I'm so bad and we immediately go there. And it's not like that. You know, there should be people that you have trust in to tell you things, because they want you to be better, they want to see you reach the stars.
Speaker 2:So that's awesome. I didn't know you want to do for five years.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I. There are so many things that I wanted to do. I wanted to do music, I want to do YouTube, but I think that the biggest thing that's been repeating in my head has been I want to talk to people. I want to create a community that's actually a true community, not something that people go, oh, we're going out and this is like a community of us going out, just, I don't know partying. I want to create something that people can resonate with and they're like, wow, I really don't feel so alone, cause a lot of the times, I feel like we think that we're alone but we're not, you know, and there's somebody out there, in some manner or some form, that's going through something similar and they could definitely relate and they feel it just feels better, you know, when you know that you're not the only one going through it.
Speaker 2:So that reminds me and this is a moment that I am going to probably either piss people off or not, but it was so. My daughter has type one diabetes and she said F being rock star. Let me just go ahead and put that out there. Her mom's a rock star. So I'm just saying she's got her. Grades are amazing. She's got this attitude to life. That is just unimpeccable.
Speaker 2:But there there was a time where she was like I just don't want to do this. I just I don't want to prick my finger, I don't want to have to check my blood glucose, I just want to be normal. And it got to a point and this was like maybe a month ago where she said that again and I had to really have a good sit down with her and I had to tell her look, I hate to tell you this, but you're not that special, and what I mean by that is is you're not the only one in this world that has a problem. I can't have gluten, I can't have certain dairy. If I do, I'll look like I'm like nine months pregnant, because my stomach just does not like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I was, and I had to tell her I'm like you're, everybody's got an issue and everybody. There are certain people that can hide those issues very well and those are the ones that probably have a little bit more stuff to go through. Because if they're able to hide that very well, then they may have some other things. But, yeah, so that that was funny that you said that, because that was a nice little talk we had to have with her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I think it puts it into perspective for people, because sometimes people need a little good. Okay, right, what's? You know you're thinking about this, but there are, you know, people that are also going through this. You know that you don't really think about it, but you're just so hyper focused on the negative parts of things. Yeah, and I'm not saying, you know, noting that is bad. Any too much of anything is not good. You can't be too positive and you can't be too negative. But it's funny, though a lot of us we have a tension span to really resonate with something negative life. You could go with positive people and telling you this, telling you that it takes that one little person, that's hey, and you have this huge nick in your armor and you're like this one person out of the millions or whoever.
Speaker 2:So that's because it goes. It takes us to a comfort zone, because our comfort zone is just not doing anything. That is pretty valid. So once you want, if you want to do something positive, you actually have to make the move and make the steps. And no one wants to even do that to a certain extent, because everybody wants to be a victim. Yep, this sucks, but that's so true.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because to some extent I would love to just cry all day on certain things that I'm just like not happy with, and at some point you gotta get the fuck up, yeah that is true, and it's all about taking it one step at a time.
Speaker 1:I think that the overwhelming part, like I've said before, is you're looking at everything like the whole entire map of things. There's no way, because you're not even there. So it's. You're fighting an idea of something that hasn't even existed yet and comparing yourself to that, when your foundational level is here you know, and if you don't have the foundation, then you can try to throw anything up there, but nothing's going to stick because there's no standing ground to be on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you can look at the map, the entire map, but just glance at it and know that this is where I'm going to be and get happy about it. But then you have to, like you said, come back down and you have to make the steps, one at a time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that Wow Girl.
Speaker 2:I could literally keep going Because, like I was, before we got on I saw her. She's got a Maltivite ring on and it's so funny that the people that you attract in your life because as soon as I saw that I was like wait, and I had to pull out my crystals that I bring out every day.
Speaker 1:It's also funny too, because not a lot of people know that stone. So when people like it's, then I'm like wait what I'm like? Huh, and my sister thinks I'm crazy for this, but she's always do take it off because they're. The last time I had a necklace a lot of like huge, and I don't want to say that and maybe it's crystals are a manifestation of what we think and believe into it. So I feel like what really gives it power is our thoughts.
Speaker 1:And I think when I put it on in my mind I was like oh my gosh. I was like I'm ready for this change in my life. I was ready, but then I wasn't ready because it all happened. And like I got out of a four and a half year relationship and didn't think I was gonna get out of it because I was just so heavily invested but like just a bunch of things started. I was losing a lot of friends, I was losing people that didn't belong in my life, that I kept trying to hold onto the leaves and I was just trying to grasp that whatever I could and I finally let go of that.
Speaker 1:And when I think that with the stone it was like every day I'd be like I'm ready for this transformation, I'm ready for this level up. And it happened and I was like holy crap. And she was just like wow. So it's just funny because she got to witness it with me. But that crystal fell and usually when something falls off that means hey, its purpose is done, retire it maybe, keep sake it if you want.
Speaker 2:But yeah, and multivit is apparently one that if you lose, there's a reason why you lose it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it was funny I got this ring because I went into this crystal store they were doing like drawings for either you get 50% off, 10%, 15% girl. I picked the 50% and I was like I never pick up big wins like that and I yeah. So I saw the ring and I was like I'm getting it period. So yeah, oh, that's awesome.
Speaker 2:So signs of the universe? Yeah, I think it's funny that people look at crystals. Completely, lana had an issue because of my ex-husband he's and I'm like I said, I'm very spiritual. I believe 100% in God. I believe in 100% Jesus universe, every single thing. I think, probably in more of a different level to a certain extent, with versus some Christians and stuff like that, which nothing against any Christians cause. That's how I grew up.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But there is a point to where, like, for instance, my ex, tends to think that once you start worshiping something else other than God is evil, and I'm like trying to explain to my daughter. It's not that you worship anything, you just put your own energy into it to manifest. And if, who the hell created the crystal? Come on now so it's weird how people look at things like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and, like we were saying, it literally is intention energy. It's just a physical object that you can touch and be like. Hey, it's almost like positive affirmation. You see the crystal and in your mind you're like I am healing, I am getting better or I am safe, I am strong, I am whatever it is, and that's why there's so many different colors, and I'm sure that at some point people are like, how many more can we make? But at the end of the day, it's literally your energy that you put into it, right, cause the crystal by itself doesn't have any power your thoughts, your intention, your manifestations is what gives that that?
Speaker 2:It's the same thing as putting a purple ribbon on your finger to remind yourself that you're supposed to be doing something that day. It's the same damn thing.
Speaker 1:It's just a rock. I didn't even know about the purple ribbon.
Speaker 2:I don't know where the hell I picked that up on, but I know there was at some point, like maybe eight years ago. I had read that somewhere. But yeah, yeah, that's crazy.
Speaker 1:I'll have to look that up now cause. I know I'm interested Cause I know there's a, I think there is a thing with red ribbons? I'm not sure.
Speaker 2:I'll have to look that up and maybe there's a different meeting for the red ribbons. Yeah, I maybe not, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna we'll definitely explain that to you guys on the next episode that we get on. So, yeah, that's awesome. Wow, this was wonderful. I love, I love that it just things just come out and that's why I don't really like having like too much structure to like the podcast, cause I feel like it just feels more of like a polished and it doesn't feel as genuine.
Speaker 2:Right, that's what happened with mine, Like I had to ask certain questions cause I was asking each and every wedding vendor to help out with anyway, is it a matter? But I had to ask certain questions and I had to provide those before they hand them. Like this is not genuine at all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I understand that, because some people not everybody you work with is going to flow like that, right, and a lot of people are like I need the questions, I need this up front. But yeah, a lot of mine is more of hey, this is what we're going to talk about and whatever also comes up out of it will and we'll just go with it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I think you got a great idea and I love the name of it. I think that's so cute. Thank you, I really do.
Speaker 1:I appreciate that. Yeah, wow, we did amazing guys. I don't know about you, but I am really happy and proud of this episode and yeah, so there will be more of Autumn guys. I'm manifesting it and I'm saying it so that I can hold her.
Speaker 2:I'm performing it, yes.
Speaker 1:Okay, but yes, and I hope that from this episode, you guys are able to gather some tips and tricks of whatever it is that you guys are struggling with, whether it's a eating disorder or just life in general. If you guys don't resonate with it, then you can leave it, but if you do, please let us know, and I will definitely provide Autumn's Instagram and stuff like that so you guys can follow. She's an amazing couples photographer. She also is just an amazing badass. In general, I'm gonna say that a lot. But yeah, and if you guys know anybody out there that can resonate with this, please share it, and we would definitely love to hear from you. All right, thanks, guys. We love you. Bye.