Get Out Of Your Own Way with Sam DeSalvo

Become MAGNETIC in relationships, what type of woman are you and what makes you unique!?

July 18, 2023 Samantha DeSalvo Season 1 Episode 12
Become MAGNETIC in relationships, what type of woman are you and what makes you unique!?
Get Out Of Your Own Way with Sam DeSalvo
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Get Out Of Your Own Way with Sam DeSalvo
Become MAGNETIC in relationships, what type of woman are you and what makes you unique!?
Jul 18, 2023 Season 1 Episode 12
Samantha DeSalvo

Which Woman are YOU in dating?! Take the FREE Quiz www.datingarchetype.com 

Use code "SAM" for DATING U!  www.lillibewley.com/datingu

Hello my friends! 

In this episode of the Get Out of Your Way podcast, I sit down with the amazing Lilli Bewley to dive deep into the world of relationships. We kick off the conversation by exploring the fascinating topic of feminine dating archetypes.

Lilli enlightens us on what these archetypes are all about and how they play a significant role in shaping our dating experiences. She breaks it down by sharing some examples of different archetypes and their unique characteristics. It's eye-opening to discover the varied ways in which we approach relationships based on our individual archetypes.

But it doesn't stop there! Lilli explains how understanding our feminine dating archetypes can truly transform our love lives. By recognizing and embracing our own archetype, we gain powerful insights into our strengths, vulnerabilities, and the patterns that may be holding us back.

Join us as we embark on this exciting journey of self-discovery and learn how to become magnetic in our relationships. This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking healthier connections and wanting to tap into their own unique magic in the dating world.

Q&A: https://www.eastcoastcreativemedia.com/getoutofyourownwaypodcast


ALL LINKS: https://linktr.ee/samdesalvo


Support the Show.

Show Notes Transcript

Which Woman are YOU in dating?! Take the FREE Quiz www.datingarchetype.com 

Use code "SAM" for DATING U!  www.lillibewley.com/datingu

Hello my friends! 

In this episode of the Get Out of Your Way podcast, I sit down with the amazing Lilli Bewley to dive deep into the world of relationships. We kick off the conversation by exploring the fascinating topic of feminine dating archetypes.

Lilli enlightens us on what these archetypes are all about and how they play a significant role in shaping our dating experiences. She breaks it down by sharing some examples of different archetypes and their unique characteristics. It's eye-opening to discover the varied ways in which we approach relationships based on our individual archetypes.

But it doesn't stop there! Lilli explains how understanding our feminine dating archetypes can truly transform our love lives. By recognizing and embracing our own archetype, we gain powerful insights into our strengths, vulnerabilities, and the patterns that may be holding us back.

Join us as we embark on this exciting journey of self-discovery and learn how to become magnetic in our relationships. This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking healthier connections and wanting to tap into their own unique magic in the dating world.

Q&A: https://www.eastcoastcreativemedia.com/getoutofyourownwaypodcast


ALL LINKS: https://linktr.ee/samdesalvo


Support the Show.

Hello, my friends, and welcome back to another episode of the Get Out of Your Own Way podcast. I'm your host, Sam Salvo. In this podcast, we talk all things healthy living, including business, wellness, motivation, and productivity. And if you are new to this podcast, like you just happened to find it, I'm so glad you're here. I post episodes every single week, usually on Wednesdays they come out, so you can find an array of topics of just so many different things that I try to bring to you. And I bring in, guests so that, you know, I can bring in other people's expertises into subjects that I might not excel in. So I love to talk to these different kinds of people, and just to hear their perspective on things, I get to learn from them, I can bring that content to you guys as well. So today's episode is a guest episode So I do record both guests and solo episodes Solo episodes are super fun because I feel like I get to be connected and just intimate with you guys but then like I said the guest episodes are an opportunity that I get to bring other people's expertises in and Share that knowledge with you, too So today's episode is all about dating and I have a guest on her name is Lily Buley And she is an amazing dating coach and we get to talk about the four different archetypes of who you are in dating So I found this to be super interesting We got to see which category you kind of fit into and how you can move into a better version of yourself So by the end of this, I hope you have a better understanding of which category you are of a woman in dating or who you are in a relationship. What are the characteristics that you take on? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses and how can you move through them? I found this episode to be really beneficial and I hope that you do too. And always remember that you can find me on social media at Sam DeSalvo. I would love to connect with you guys. I love our little community that we have and then. Along with that, don't forget to just share this podcast episode on social media. You never know who you could be helping by sharing an episode and bringing this kind of positivity into somebody's life. So I really do appreciate you guys and I would love to hear what kind of topics that you want to hear about. So let's just jump right on into it guys

Sam:

Hi, Lily. Thank you so much for jumping on the get out of your own way podcast with me. I am so excited to speak to you today. You do all things dating and healing and overcoming, limiting beliefs in yourself and you help women reach true, true love in their life. So I'm so excited to talk to you and bring this. To my audience because I'm sure there's so many women on my, in my audience that are struggling with dating or really just want to find true love. So I'm excited to have you and have your insight today. So would you mind giving our audience a background about yourself? Kind of how you fell into the shoes of being a dating coach?

Lilli:

Yeah. Well, thank you, Sam, for having me here. I always love connecting with people in this you know, in this podcasting world. And then also I love talking about love and. It's it used, love used to be pretty cringy to me because of the, the unhealthy and shall I say, maybe toxic relationship patterns that I encountered throughout my life. But I think what qualifies me to be here and talk about this, and I take a trauma informed approach with dating. We can talk more about that, what that means later, if you'd like, but. I think what qualifies me to be here is I always say that I was born with a big heart, you know, a big open heart. You know, I loved people and. animals, all of the things, just a loving, caring, and kind person. And through the models that I was modeled in growing up through, you know, the messages that I was given about love and society through you know, going through, you know, school and teenage years and all that stuff. The pattern that I started to see through my relationships was. I was a loving, caring, and kind person, but I didn't know how to distinguish and to discern who to let into my heart space, right? Like my heart space is a very sacred space. And it used to be that anyone that wanted to be there, I let them in. So I didn't learn, you know, sometimes I talk about relationship as a skill and this kind of hits. With some people in a bad or a good way, it tends to be people be on either side. But what I've learned is like relationships and learning how to have a good relationship, learning how to call in true love, learning how to discern and distinguish who you want in your heart and who you want to spend your time, your energy, your money with whatever it is, whatever is important to you. It's actually a skill and it was a skill that I did not develop. I didn't develop the skill until probably about seven years ago. Really? And truly? And. what, what I do with, you know, people that come into my sphere, my program, my clients is I really start to help them relearn who they are and, and relearn how to, how to listen to their intuition because so, so many women and also men I feel like are very detached from their intuition. You know, they, there's a lot of voices happening in their head about. You know, if we're talking specifically about dating, like, you know, there are these rules. Should I text him back or should I not? Should I make the first move or should I not? And all of this is just really noise, but it can be really, really loud noise when it comes to trying to find the right person to let into. I call my heart spaces as sacred. I can still be a loving and caring and kind person. This is what I've learned. I can still be a loving and caring and kind person, but also have, have people that I welcome into my energy and my sphere that line up with my values that respect my, my boundaries that have hard conversations is 1 of my biggest values is having hard conversations. So really. What, you know, what's beautiful, I think about the healing work that I do is that it really, really helps people become who they are so that they can be a magnet to what they want, you know, I, I talk about epic love so they can be a magnet to epic love in their life.

Sam:

Wow, that's great. It sounds like you're doing amazing work and I definitely resonate with you that I'm the same exact type of person that I have a big heart and I just let everybody kind of, well, I don't let everybody in and I definitely have firm boundaries and I know that, but it's I could potentially love a rock if I tried hard enough. That's how I feel. So that's great that you're doing all this work. So I know that you kind of talk about these feminine dating archetypes. Can you kind of get into that? And what are they like? That's definitely new to me. I have no idea what they are. So I'm very excited to learn about this today. But what are they play a role in our lives? Unknown Speaker

Lilli:

Oh, okay. Yeah. Femininating the archetypes is something that I, well, you know, I don't know what you believe in Sam or what word that you believe in, but you know, like I, I have a really spiritual connection with like God and the universe and creator. After doing a lot of healing work, I, you know, that's a whole other podcast, I feel like, but I was really, really disconnected from. My purpose, it's something greater. But as I started to do my healing work, you know, I started to have this very spiritual relationship with who I am on this world and what my gifts are. And something that was given to me was this idea of the feminine dating archetypes and what it is really, it's a culmination of my growth and development through finding Epic Love and having an amazing, like my dream partner. And my development, my growth and the feminine archetypes can be kind of construed as like a phase because that's how it was for me. It was phases for me. But the sticky part is, is that we can get stuck in phases. So that's kind of where they came from. And it's a culmination of, like, looking at my path and my pattern, having clients go through very similar healing, a very similar healing journey to me and watching that. They're kind of going through the same phases, you know, they're, they're having we can talk more about like what they are if you'd like, but they're kind of having the same reactions, the same phases. And they feel crazy. They feel like, you know, they can't go talk to their friends and their family because you know, my mom, my, my friends and my family was like, Oh, just go have fun. You know, there are many fish in the sea and girl, Lily could not have fun at a phase in her life because she would get, she would get attached. Right. And so, so. These feminine dating archetypes are a way of looking at your dating life and not feeling alone. It's a quiz actually that I offer. I don't know if you've taken it, Sam. It's datingarchetype. com. Have you taken it?

Sam:

I have not, but I will definitely check it

Lilli:

out after this. I'd love to hear. But it's, it's a way of, of, I want to normalize these patterns that, that we're seeing so that, that we can start to break them so that we can start to heal from them. And. Also, the feminine data archetypes, it's really cool because through my studies through through again, my development through the different things that I started to learn about myself, my, my mind, my nervous system, my body, my brain it's kind of culminating all of the things that happen in our dating lives into a kind of a holistic look. You know, cause if you follow, you know, Like a lot of the dating advice out there, something that I really, really don't like about this field is you, you know, a coach will tell you how to put up your profile, like what should you put or even your friends, you know, this pro I used to do this, you know, I used to have people auditing my profile, like my friends and stuff, like my pictures and all that stuff. But in the end. That was kind of a short term bandaid to what was really happening about, you know, attracting unavailable men, having unhealthy relationships, having overthinking and anxiety during the dating process. It was really about me and about what's happening inside of me. So that like I wanted to be able to present my best self, but I didn't know how until I really started to listen to those that internal world and that inner conversation.

Sam:

Yeah, I definitely think in today's day and age with social media, there is so much advice out there. And I don't know if it's advice, but just different, like you said, different voices coming at you of how you should be dating or, you know, don't answer back right away. Don't like. Show all your cards. There's just so much out there. It's like, Oh my gosh. And then it's like, Oh, be single for a while, be in a relationship. Like, it's always like pulling you in one direction or the other. So I think by, you know, working with someone like you and being able to understand what you're looking for and what it is that makes you, you and the kind of partner that would be best suited for you. Is super cool and super important, but what are some examples of the archetypes, the feminine archetypes? I'm very curious.

Lilli:

Okay, girl, we're getting into the juice. Okay. So there are four different archetypes. And I can kind of go through them. The chill woman is super familiar with overwhelming anxiety when she's dating. This tends to flare up in the span of like 24 to 48 hours after not hearing from the other person. Sadly, the chill woman gets ghosted a lot and she doesn't understand why. She's probably good at communicating and, and like good at maybe talent talking about her feelings, but she tends to get ghosted more often than not. And she just doesn't, doesn't understand. Sometimes the chill woman tends to have sex pretty quickly after meeting, even though that she might either promise herself that she won't and she does it anyways. Or she says that she can handle it, but then turns out, you know, getting attached, you know, down, down a line. The chill woman also kind of, this is where the chill woman comes from, like the name, she attracts men who just want to hang out and chill. And she normally says yes to, because she likes, she wants to see how it goes. She craves attention. And the chill woman in the past has been has complained in the past in relationships of not being seen and not being heard. The opportunity for the chill woman to heal is a lot about boundaries. Is a lot about finding out what she needs and what she wants and it's a lot about, really, like I said, honing in on her boundaries and what's, what's important to her, like her values and being able, starting to being able to speak up about that. Does that make sense? Yes, definitely. Do you know any

Sam:

chill women? Oh, absolutely. I can think of a few people off the top of my mind. it into the chill woman category. Like you said, it's like, they think that like, Oh, if I come off as this person, then, you know, they'll like me. But in the end, they're just making themselves so unhappy and they're not being fulfilled for what they actually need. They're just trying to fulfill other people's

Lilli:

needs. Yeah. And the hard part about the chill woman is because I was a chill woman, probably up until like 2016 and you know, and, and which is like some decades is the chill woman. You know, it's, it's almost instinctive for her, you know, based off of the, her past and maybe like the, and the childhood that she grew up in, or the relationships, you know, that she had had going leading up to today is that a lot of the. Characteristics that she is applauded for, like being, being chill, you know, being cool, being happy are kind of a mask sometimes to who she really is, but she's had to be that way just to survive, you know, in, in the world or to achieve or you know, or, you know, to quote unquote be happy or whatever it is. So that's the challenge. Okay. Yeah. So I'll move on. The fortress woman is the next kind of phase that I went through and people typically, you know, kind of go through these phases in order. If they move a lot of people will stay in these silos. And that's kind of why I'm here talking about this again. Like there is hope y'all there is hope. So the fortress woman, the fortress woman, I always like to say has a wall, the size of the great wall of China around her heart. She has been hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt by love before. So the only way to kind of like defend her heart is to really just not let someone in to exit off, close the door. She does feel like she's fine. So Fortress women that are listening to this are going to get really triggered. And I hear you and I see you, I've been there and I know that you feel like you're fine and you're independent. And, but I do want to open up the possibility that there is still, you're still able to be loved and to have love and keep your heart protected. I remember when I was the fortress woman, I would like make vision boards. And the, my vision boards would have like these big ass dope houses on them and like 5, 000 dogs and no partner. And I would like, that would be my dream. It really, really would be at the time. And so I hear you if that's you or if it's cats, whatever. If she's dating, the fortress woman will find fault with the other person super quickly, like, very critical. And she may be even like, critical of her friends, you know, that are dating as well, like, quick to be like, well, fuck him, you know, all this stuff. I remember when I was a fortress woman, when I was, I was swiping. And this is, this doesn't have to be your value. Whoever's listening to this or, you know, Sam or whatever. But I remember when I was a fortress woman, when I was swiping you know, if he had any type of grammatical error, any type of imperfection in that way, it would be an immediate swipe left. And now like today, you know, like before I met my partner, I was, I was actively, you know, swiping and dating. And what I realized is that the. The imperfections that I would. Really, really blame people for, or was really critical about in that stage was the imperfections that I was really worried about inside myself. So it's super deep in that, in that way. Okay. So the fortress woman, she has a hard time trusting others. Like I said, she's normally the 1st 1 to break it, break it off, block or delete really critical. There's a part of her that that doesn't want to be alone, but there's a stronger part of her that just doesn't want to feel that pain of love. The opportunity for the fortress woman to heal is about vulnerability inside herself is about really, really looking at. The pain that she has either experienced or the pain that she's caused. There's a lot of forgiveness work with the fortress woman when I go through this process. And just a lot of like seeing and hearing herself on the inside and just being starting to be more vulnerable so she can let, you know, it's a, it's a process y'all don't just take this and you're like, Oh, Lily, Lily says that I should forgive him. Like, Oh, it's not that it's like, it's a, it's work. But that's the opportunity for the Fortress Woman. Do you know any Fortress Women?

Sam:

If you guys are watching the video version of this right now on YouTube, you can see I've been nodding a lot because I definitely think I'm the Fortress Woman. And Lily said that, you know, if we were listening, we would be triggered. I'm definitely triggered right now. Like, I'm like, damn, like that. Aw, Sam. I'm sending you love, but hopefully you're not too. Thank you. No, I'm good. It was good to hear all that. And I like to know, like, what category I fit in so that I have healing opportunities and I can actively work on those too. So I do have a partner. I do have a boyfriend and it's a long term, but I definitely see some of my faults that you've mentioned in. Like, like being very critical. And I think it's another thing is like self sabotaging it, like in the back of your mind, you're self sabotaging it because of something that you're mentioning right now. And so I'm excited to, you know, kind of work into the different archetypes from here.

Lilli:

Yes. And I just want to say self sabotage, at least for my book is self protection. So maybe there's a part of you that's really, really feeling like it needs to be protected. So maybe that's the healing opportunity for you is to find that part. Does that make

Sam:

sense? Yeah. Yeah, definitely makes

Lilli:

sense. Yeah, cool. So I'll move on to the next one, which is the goddess woman So the goddess woman and this is kind of an oxymoron, right? Because you'll see people on instagram be like, oh i'm a goddess and all this stuff and it's not a dig on that So I just want to say that. But I do say that because it's like the goddess woman has a very a very perfectionistic and Controlling outward perception that she has to manage, but it's not really congruent with what's happening inside of herself. So the goddess woman is very confused by love. It's like this, this, this thing that she's really, really wanting one time or for a little bit and then really doesn't. Goddess woman. I always like to say the delete and download cycle on the apps, right? Like, download, get frustrated, get on there and then delete. This happens for the goddess woman more often times than not. The goddess woman is very into personal growth work and personal fulfillment. I work mostly with goddess woman and with chill woman because they're open to heal for the most part. Her Instagram, like I said, or her outward perception is different than how she feels on the inside. So again, like there's this whole kind of side of her life that especially with dating, like we're talking specifically about dating, like everything looks good on the outside, but on the inside, you know, I used to hate this all the time when I was a goddess woman, you know, somebody coming up to me being like, Oh, you look like you're so happy and everything's doing so well. But on the inside, it was like, I was crumbling, like I was dying. So there's a, there's a disconnect. You know, between that and what she's actually experiencing and the goddess woman thinks that she wants to be in a dating role. But like I said, there's this like thing that she, it's like a, she goes in and then she goes out. It's not really consistent. You know, she says that she does. She wants a relationship and her actions. Dictate or like, you know, her actions are like going towards that. She wants a relationship, but then she pushes out, like, there's no like clear direction. She, she wants to be coveted. She wants to be chased, but vulnerability is really hard for her. And she does have a need to have a conscious relationship. And sometimes she feels like that she can be intimidating to men. She may be like, you know, the goddess woman typically is like, either she's an executive and she has people under her that she has to manage, or she's a coach, or she's a healer, or she could be like, she could be like a mom, but she helps a lot of people. You know, she's a big helper in, in in her life, whatever that be. Sometimes she does feel like better than the men that she's attract, like attracts. Like when I was in the goddess woman phase, it was all about like, there are no available men out there. I'm only attracting unavailable men. And the goddess woman also, like, she tends to kind of go into that mode of being a helper and a teacher and a coach, but not their lover and partner. The opportunity for the goddess woman to heal is about perfectionism and control. She might've grown up in a household where if she wasn't perfect, then she would have been. Ostracized or, you know, there are some things happening maybe in her childhood that really pushed her to be perfect. And she's really good at it because I was I was really good at being perfect. But over time. This, these patterns just don't work anymore. And so that's the opportunity for healing. Does that make sense? And who, who do you know? For

Sam:

sure. For sure. That makes sense. And now I want to ask you, can you fit into multiple categories? Like as you were explaining that person, I was like, wait, am I this person or am I the fortress? I don't know. So I'm definitely going to take your quiz after this to like figure out which it says that I fit into this, but I very much resonated with that one. I think even a little bit more than the fortress one. So can you kind of have. Characteristics of different archetypes.

Lilli:

Oh, yeah, for sure. And I feel like even even today, you know, like I'm not perfect. The next one is the magnetic woman. And that's the woman that I aspire to be. And my clients aspire to be, but I'm not perfect. Sometimes I dip back into gobswoman. Sometimes I dip back into chill. I always give myself a little bit of, of, you know, leeway and love. Like I want to be the magnetic woman 80% of the time. And then the other times, you know, it's just when it comes up and when I notice it, for me, it's just an opportunity to look inside myself and heal. And whether that take that to my coach, take it to my therapist, take it to my journal, you know, take it to my meditation or whatever. So yeah, you can like dip in into each one. But I would say like, typically people do kind of stay in one lane 80, you know, like kind of like 80% of the time. So I am super curious. Message me because I want to know what you get. Okay. I definitely see if it resonates with you.

Sam:

Okay. And then the last one is magnetic. Is that what you said? Yeah. Magnetic.

Lilli:

Yeah. The magnetic woman is basically a woman that I never really met. Or new when I grew up, like the, the models that I had in my family. And you know, here I'm talking about dating and I'm talking about relationships, right? I always, I don't know if you feel the same way, but I've always kind of either seen the dining, like two basic dynamics in relationship that I knew when, when I was growing up and never really true honoring love, but either like a roommate style. You know kind of of love is what I saw like my friend's parents I think had a lot of that or the the love that I was demonstrated in my family was this like very dominant submissive not equal very kind of like me, you know, there's a whole other thing, right? Yeah. And so I just was never I, the, the magnetic moment was never something that I knew I thought that I could ever achieve. It's kind of that vibe where like, even if in the grocery store, like at a party, if a woman or even a man walks into a room and like all of the energy gets sucked out and it's not because of the way they look like they're outward, you know, like. There's a whole bunch of stuff like we could talk about, obviously, about like society and, and and looks and all that stuff, but it's more about their energy. It's like the way they hold their shoulders, the way they hold, you know, their their eyes are soft and kind and welcoming. It's like this whole vibe. I don't know if you've ever, like, experienced this. And when they talk like the, it's, it's not so much again, the words that come out, but it's the power and the energy and the discernment beside, you know, behind the words for men, for me, it's like clarity and purpose for women. It's discernment and kind of just this vibe of knowing who she is and what she wants. And we can, you know, I think the very, the very small nuances that in that is that, you know, Women were taught to say what we want, but it's the come from it's where it's like the come from that makes it stick, right? So the come from, from the magnetic woman is her, her self love, her self improvement, her the betterment of, of to make her life fulfilling. What's going to make her, her life joyful. This is all great. You know, when you're dating because. It just, it helps you weed out a lot of people really quickly, right? So the magnetic woman, she honors herself by setting and sticking with dating boundaries which is something that I do in my programs. She's loving and caring of herself, even when she messes up. So she has a lot of self love and self compassion that she's developed over her, over time and through healing. And it's such an honoring. Place for her because her internal worth and magnet magnetism, you know A lot of women are in their heads these days, especially about dating like what should it like you're saying? What should I do? What should I do all this stuff? You know You go talk to people you even talk to your therapist and like you should do this and you start to follow those Voices instead of listening to your own and a lot of that comes with connecting, you know women a lot these days Don't really understand what's happening with their intuition like from the neck down there's been some studies out lately that really our intuition and the things that we kind of know and feel in our body, actually, all the information that we need to know comes from below our neck, like 80% of, of what we kind of perceive as safe comes from our body and 20% comes from our brain. So that means essentially that we're cut off for most of us. You know, through this, this development and through, you know, the traumas that we've been through or cut off from listening to our body. And that's what healing does. It really kind of connects, connects the body to the brain. So the magnetic woman knows how to receive love deeply. She asked for what she wants. She asked for what she wants. Okay. What she needs and what she desires and she's okay. Either way, whether she gets it or not, that is like the definition of secure attachment. In dating, she recognizes really quickly whether someone is right for her or not. I remember when I was dating, you know, like I would have people stringing along, like in my DMS or, and that shit got hard to manage, you know, like I don't know if you felt the same way or you felt the same way, Sam, if you were out there in the, you know, on the apps, but like, You know, it took a long time for me to discern like months for me to discern whether someone was right for me or someone's not, but the magnetic woman has this like barometer that's really, really attached to, to who she is and what she wants to know if someone is right for her she is really, really cognizant about idolizing the, the dating interests that she has. And she's able to see, hear and observe herself. And also when she's stepping back and doing that, she allows him. To be who he is and allows him to pursue her to step up to take actions if she is, you know, if, if he, if he wants to, right? Like, if he's pursuing, yeah, and the last thing about the magnetic woman is she's patient. Because she's really honoring herself. Well, she seems

Sam:

like a great person. I also aspire to be her too. 1 day. I definitely think our characteristics, you know, like that, like you said, you can have some of those characters touristic. So, but doesn't mean you're all there. So I definitely see some of my characteristics being in her, but definitely not fully there yet. What are some ways besides working with you as a dating coach to kind of move through the archetypes? Like what are the different ways that you can start to like work on healing yourself and getting to know yourself better to move up towards the magnetic woman? Great question,

Lilli:

Sam. Here's the part where it gets sticky when I'm always on podcasts is that people want these like tip tricks and strategies. And I will say this before I say what I say next is that there is no tip tips, trick strategy or hack that is going to get you to that epic love that true love. That you may, you know, I don't know, I can't speak for you, whoever's listening, but that you may want, and if you do want it you may have been through depends on kind of where you are in your development. You know, I can tell you, like, positive affirmations didn't work for me. Meditation really didn't work for me. Journaling didn't work for me. And these are all tools y'all. So. What are the big kind of values that I have with, with what I do for myself and for my clients is that the tools don't make the person. It's the healing that makes the person and so healing like tools are all short term, short term results, right? Short term results, but for the long term, the long game, if you really desire to line up your thoughts, yeah. And, you know, the overthinking or what have you line up your thoughts with what you do in real life, like your actions, behaviors, and how you feel to have like true alignment and true connection with yourself and with others and all that stuff. It's a deeper level of healing work. That's going to do it. And so my recommendation always is if you're seeing patterns, like a pattern is something that happens 3 or more times. So I just want to say that but if you're seeing a pattern in your dating life or in your relationships. Find as best you can as much as you can manage a healing container, whether that be therapy, whether that be coaching, whether that be, there are also free options out there that aren't as, you know. Maybe aren't as like supportive one on one, but I started this whole thing and something called codependence anonymous, which is free. You know, like you go to meetings kind of like, Hey, you go to meetings and you can get a sponsor and do step work. But what. The thing about healing is, is that something happened to us, whether you know it or you don't, in our, either our home life or, you know, the different relationships that you've been through throughout your life, that is really kind of blocking the, the love really that you want inside yourself and then also projecting out to other people. And so, because of those things, those blocks are. You know, it's emotional trauma really, but those blocks are things that happened with other people. And so it would make sense that in order to heal, it would be with other people as well. And I, I work with so many women and men. I had, I do I do men's coaching one on one, but I do have group programs for women. So many people who are at that level where they've listened to the podcast, they've read the books, they've done the journaling, all of the things that you can do solo, but there is a part of them that is holding, like, you're talking about self sabotage Sam earlier. I call it self protection. There's a part of them that is really, really so frightened to get into a relationship with even a therapist or a coach or even kind of, you know, speak up in a group, like, you know, workshops or free workshops that really it's a self protective piece and. My, my suggestion is always get into a place where it feels like you're edging just a little bit, just a little bit, not a lot, because it's going to override a lot of things that are happening inside of you. And it's going to, it could recreate some trauma for you find some something or someone where you're just edging, maybe just a little bit. It feels a little bit frightening. And that's how you grow. You don't like jump the Grand Canyon, you know and, you know, in a day. You have to like hike down it and you, you know, you take steps or you, I don't know, use any other, like whatever metaphor, but, but it takes, it takes time, but it's so, so, so worth it. If you want to love yourself, put yourself in healing containers.

Sam:

Absolutely. That's such great advice. And I think you're so right of like pushing yourself outside of your boundaries. That's where growth happens and don't push yourself overboard because then you're going to be drowning. So just take a step out, take a step out of faith and trust that like you got this and you're going to do this to better yourself for the long run. So Lily, I have one last question for you today before we end, what is your number one tip for getting out of your own way? Ooh.

Lilli:

My number one tip for getting out of my, of your own way or my way. I would say if you're feeling stuck and you can't get out of your way, love that part of you. Because you know, this, this is maybe the subject for another podcast, but what we know now is that the things that happen inside of us When we like I said we having things things happen in our lives is we start to like There starts to become fractures of ourself inside of ourselves, which we call parts, you know It's like that whole dating thing or not dating like the dieting thing, right? Like oh, I should eat this carrot, but a part of me really wants this ice cream I want to normalize that in dating. So if if there's a part of you that feels like it's all your fault and you're stuck and you're unlovable and you're always going to be attracting unavailable men and you're always going to be single or whatever it is that's kind of going on is that love the parts of you for now that are protecting you and kind of holding you back because there's a reason for that. And then my second one would be just to get in a healing container because what, what those protective parts of us need to know is that we're actually going to be okay. And that takes a lot of time and it takes healing and it takes work, but it's such a beautiful thing when those parts that are holding on so strong. Can actually learn to kind of let go a little bit. And it's not just letting go like everybody says on Instagram to let go, y'all. It's like, like those parts are a fist and it just loosens up a little bit over time. Yeah. And so it's not really in my mind that you're in your own way. It's just a part of you that's protecting you. That's probably been protecting you for a very, very long time.

Sam:

Yeah, so giving yourself grace and being able to kind of walk through those things about yourself, like kind of hold, hold through them and go through them and take it, like we were just saying, step by step.

Lilli:

Yeah, I would say just love the shit out of the, out of those parts of you right now.

Sam:

Yeah. So Lily, where can everyone connect with you, like find you on Instagram, social media, where could they find you?

Lilli:

Yeah. Thank you so much, Sam. I really appreciate this time with you. You're amazing. If anyone wants to take the archetype, the feminine dating archetype quiz, it's at datingarchetype. com. I'm on Instagram at lilybeutley.

Sam:

Amazing. Well, I really, really appreciate your time. And I would love to have you back on because I know there's so many other things that we didn't get to cover today. So, love to have you on again in the future to go deeper into some of the topics we talked about today. Yes. Again, thank you so much for your time. I'm excited to take that quiz.

Lilli:

Absolutely. I forgot to mention something too, Sam. I hope it's okay. If not, you can edit it out. I also have a program called dating you it's a school for magic magnetic relationships. If you or any of your audience want to come in and try it for two months free I'll create a code for you. That's going to be Sam and they can come in and try it. It's all about what we're talking about today. It's like, you know, it's, it's a deeply healing container. So I'd love to have you or anyone that's listening, but like I said, I'll create that code Sam. I forgot about that.

Sam:

Amazing. Yes, absolutely. And I'll definitely share that on social media for everyone to find that code. But thank you everybody for listening to today's podcast. I hope you enjoyed it. And as always, you can find me at Sam DeSalvo on social media and be sure to share this episode with somebody you never know who could use this episode or who may be looking for something just like this. So thank you again so much guys. And until next time, I'll talk to you next time. Thanks guys.