Over the Next Hill Fitness
Welcome! We all know, as we age, it’s harder to put ourselves first and get in enough fitness, flexibility, and nutrition. Maybe you’re new to formatted exercise, maybe we need to push to the next level or set some goals. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to run a 5K, a marathon, or even an ULTRA marathon. This podcast is designed to get you moving and headed towards those goals. You’ll have opportunities for general coaching during each episode or you may contact me for personal coaching afterward. Are you ready to get over this next hill in life? Let’s get started.
Over the Next Hill Fitness
S4 Ep 16 How Gentle Trauma Release Helps Women Feel Safe Again
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Your motivation is not broken. If you keep “knowing what to do” yet you cannot make it stick, your nervous system may be running an old safety program in the background. I sit down with Ramona Kossowan to unpack gentle trauma release and why repeated patterns like burnout, perfectionism, people pleasing, and emotional eating often trace back to unresolved distress stored in the body.
We get specific about what trauma can look like in high-functioning women: teeth clenching, headaches, muscle armoring, digestive issues, autoimmune flare-ups, difficulty receiving kindness, and the quiet belief that the future will repeat the past. Ramona explains how she helps clients identify core traumatic events, how shame and guilt drive behavior, and why “trying harder” rarely works for long. We also talk about food noise, dieting whiplash, and stress-driven weight swings, plus how self-care practices like walking, running, strength training, breathwork, and nature time can support nervous system regulation while deeper healing happens.
Midlife pressure and menopause come up as major accelerators, not because you are failing, but because resilience thresholds get surpassed and coping cracks get exposed. We close with practical boundary language for recovering people pleasers, and a reminder that getting support is an act of courage. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more women can find these tools.
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Quick Thanks And Share Request
SPEAKER_01Wasn't that fantastic, you guys? Oh my goodness. Yeah, I was I was pretty blown away. So hopefully you were as well. There are some free offers from Ramona in the show notes. Please follow, share, and rate this program. And if there's somebody that you know that needs to hear this program, please share it with them. You know, let's help one another and uh give me five stars. That really helps me climb up in the ratings. So I appreciate that. And keep being you. See you soon. Hello and welcome back to Over the Next Till Fitness Podcast. I'm Carla Coffee, your coach and host for today's episode. If you are looking for a fitness coach or running coach, please uh email me, Carla, at coffeecrew
Meet Your Host And Guest
SPEAKER_01coaching.com, and I would be happy to see if we are a good fit. Uh you can follow me on all of the socials, on Facebook, under Coffee Crew Coaching, Instagram, and of course on YouTube. If uh you haven't been over to the YouTube channel, give it a shot. It's under Over the Next Hill Fitness Podcast. And you can see me there and follow along. Today I'm gonna be talking to Ramona Casawan. And we are going to be talking about uh gentle trauma release. Amazing. You guys, you are really gonna love this discussion. Um so follow through to the end. Um there'll be some great things in the show notes, and I will look forward to seeing you at the end. Hi, Ramona, welcome to the show. It's great to have you here.
SPEAKER_00Hi, Carla, thank you. I'm really looking forward to us talking.
SPEAKER_01So am I. So, big quiz question right off the bat. Um, tell us about you,
What Gentle Trauma Release Is
SPEAKER_01like what you're certified in, what exactly gentle trauma release is, and just start there and we'll pick that up and run.
SPEAKER_00Sure. Well, I learned about the gentle trauma release method uh about seven years ago. Um I had I was already practicing as a fitness professional. I had, you know, done work in the past with weight loss and health coaching sort of things. And I had just completed a personal empowerment coach certification because I really felt drawn to doing getting a little deeper work with women and with the things they bump up against, with their emotions, and how that seems to be such a deterrent to them achieving their goals or just being able to make themselves a priority. So, in that process, I connected with the professor of the Gentle Trauma Release Institute. And this is an online international school that was fairly new at that time. And it's based on a holistic complementary method of working with people who are functioning, like they're not, they don't have a medical diagnosis per se, but living with the effects of trauma. And it's in a way that's very gentle and effective, but equips me to deal with the thing that we always bump up against as coaches, like whether it's fitness or weight loss or business coaching, there's always going to be something that comes up, especially when there's a struggle that seems to be on repeat. And being able to sit with women and do this deeper work has really shifted how I see things and just knowing that our unconscious nervous system is really running the show most of the time, and our brave attempts to override it usually fall short or they don't last. And we're just so much more open to receiving joy when we can get out from under what our nervous system is carrying, and that's the the foundational work that that happens with this.
SPEAKER_01So if I'm that woman and I come to you, what are some of the steps that you're going to do to help me reveal what is wrong and kind of get to the bottom of it?
SPEAKER_00Well, there's uh quite often when women
Core Events And Body Clues
SPEAKER_00connect with me, they aren't really thinking about trauma. Like when back you know years ago, I wouldn't have thought about trauma as being a problem for me. I didn't even know really, I didn't really know what it meant, except that maybe something horrible had happened, right? That's where people fall into trauma. Um, but when women connect with me, they will quite often take a guide that I have, a free guide. It's called a gentle trauma assessment, and it connects the dots to the physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms that quite often accompany unresolved trauma or an excess accumulation of trauma. And it can be quite eye-opening and sometimes even a little bit triggering. Um, but this helps you to go, oh, hmm. Ever since, you know, caregiving my ailing parent, I've had XYZ symptom, right? Ever since my divorce, I've never been the same. It's it helps you to look at it from that angle of what is my body showing up? And from when a client is willing to work with me and we're both leaning in, going, yes, let's do this, let's work together. Um, on the early onset of our work, we always look for what we call core traumatic events. And what that means, it's just an event that was significant to you in some way that's anchoring that bracing, protective, or freeze response in your body, regardless of how much time has passed and how much you've talked about it, it does not matter. So we kind of get curious in a relationship of safety to discover and release that. So your body goes, Oh, that's not a thing anymore. It's not intrusive, it's not bothersome, it's not intense. Am I even having a hard time recalling the details? And then the changes happen in your body and how you're thinking organically as a result of that versus trying so hard. You're not trying so hard anymore.
SPEAKER_01So, what might be an example of your body embracing or holding on to things that would indicate that you are suffering from some type of trauma?
SPEAKER_00Well, physically, for example, it might be teeth clenching and headaches and muscle armoring and digestive upset, even autoimmune conditions quite often accompany a history of trauma. Like there's probably more to it than that, but it's quite often those two are together. Um, and it can also be uh very much your sense of self. So for some women, they're very high functioning and they look successful, but it's because they have this compulsion to perform underneath, right? So they can't give themselves grace, they can't give themselves a break. It's always push, push, perform, right? Um, or it might be just a sense of the the future will just be a repetition of the past, right? There's almost this gloom and doom and the inner critic. So there's um what you can get curious about is what do I no longer wish to experience uh physically, emotionally, motivationally? What is what am I not wanting to experience anymore? Or what do I want more of? Like even not feeling safe to be treated kindly, receive kindness can be a symptom of trauma, being very uncomfortable with compliments, kindness, people helping you. That's on the other end is not being safe to feel good.
SPEAKER_01So, you know, a lot of women are driven, as you mentioned, you know, we we go, go, we push, push. Um so is that then something I should maybe reflect back on where is this coming from? You know, is it not just my personality, but it's actually something deeper?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, especially if it's causing you discomfort. Like maybe you're recognizing you're getting really burnt out, or you're not giving your body the care it needs, or your relationship with food is has gotten really chaotic. Um is it affecting you and making you unhappy in some way? Like we can be a high-functioning, high-performer person in general, but there are limits. So are we allowing spaciousness and rest? Are we giving yourself grace? Are we going with good enough sometimes rather than perfect? Is it reflecting on am I happy with this?
SPEAKER_01So you mentioned um our relationship with food. Are there other things that would stand out to me as a woman in that way that I go all of a sudden? Yeah, I do have a relationship with food that's kind of gotten wonky. Are there other things like that that I can look forward to? I think you mentioned um headaches and things like that. Is there like a list of other things?
SPEAKER_00Yes. So this free guide that I mentioned, a gentle trauma assessment. I mean, it won't name every single symptom, but it does cover a lot. And what you can look at is even go, well, I've had these five really bothersome symptoms since that stage of my life. And it's a little bit eye-opening. Or um you might be noticing, oh, I have more symptoms than I don't. Like it's easier to just check the ones that I don't have, and that's I okay. Well, no wonder you're having a hard time. Like stop beating yourself up. Um what I find you probably hear the um really trending topic about food noise, uh, you know, especially because a lot of people and women are considering that maybe GLP ones are going to be something they're going to need to tame the food noise. And, you know, if that's a direction someone needs to go, I'm not here to talk them out of it. But what I like to get curious about is if there isn't a medical issue and um food noise is an issue, meaning that it just occupies your brain way too much, and it feels like it's it's about the rules or the judgment or restriction in dieting followed by over overcompensating with overindulgence because you've, you know, you're just whiplash one way or the other. Those are common signs that there's something going on with your nervous system. Like even for me, when I've gained weight very quickly in the past, it's always been during times of stress, um, extreme stress, and before I before I was in the place I am now. Um, not that I'm perfect, but I don't go through those massive swings anymore. I have other ways to support my nervous system, and I've resolved some of the stuff that before I I hadn't. Um, so yes, there's there's many things that can show up, and you can get curious about, well, I've been wanting to change this, or I know what to do, but I just can't seem to do it.
SPEAKER_01So is there a role that um shame would play in this? Um uh, you know, like aside from uh the trauma that actually happened, but maybe it's shame now that has
How Shame And Guilt Drive Patterns
SPEAKER_01gotten in?
SPEAKER_00Oh, yes, I'm so glad you brought that up because um my first coaching certification was um personal empowerment coach certification, and and it's actually based on the map of consciousness, um, which is based on the book Power versus Force and the Emotional Levels. So if we come into the world as a bright, shiny light bulb, a thousand watt light bulb, pure love, we don't question who we are. But life gets to us and we with the light bulb dims, and down at the very bottom, the lowest energy emotion is shame. And that is without fail, always where trauma resides, without fail. It's not always some big catastrophic event. Sometimes sometimes it's an accumulation of experiences that repeatedly told you, I'm too much, I'm not enough, I don't matter. Who I am is no good. That's at the root of it. Who I am is no good. So absolutely, you've completely named it. Uh shame will not allow us to make our most empowered choices and behaviors and habits because it's not from a place of liking ourselves.
SPEAKER_01So I know um that the way we raise our children can have a huge effect on them later, right? So um, do you think that some of these things stem from, uh, and I'm not blaming parents, right? Because you know, everybody does the best they can, but um setting them up because of the shame, like you know, shaming them when they were younger, and that just festers as they get older because they were born as that big bright shiny light bulb, you say, you know, but then as uh a parent, we could possibly be pushing them towards that trauma.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. Like we all have a different nervous system, and and we'll all be affected differently by our experiences. And in general, we'll do pretty okay if we have what we would call good enough parenting. Don't need to be perfect, just good enough. Res felt safe to be seen and heard, right? Um, what can happen is we have you know behaviors and patterns, beliefs and and and responses that are carried through generation. Two things can exist at once. Your parents can have done the best they can, and your experiences can wound you. Both can be true. Like for me, um, shame was definitely showing up uh when I hit some personal roadblocks myself, like when I was going through periods of rapid growth and evolving into a version of me just becoming this coach and really, really making very big, uncomfortable changes, my nervous system literally freaked out. Freaked out. I'm like, I know this isn't a motivation and strategy thing. I know this, right? And deep down I felt parts of me were not lovable, not likable, not acceptable. I needed to hide them, bury them, mask them, wall them up. Uh so for me, the healing process has allowed me to show up as I am now. More open, more relaxed, without judgment, without perfectionism. Like I'm not perfect, but I don't need to be. Um but absolutely like our young experiences shape who we are. Our brain is developing, and we we pick up these patterns, and then those patterns carry through into our adult relationships and behaviors and choices, even though we don't technically need them anymore. That's like our default. So rather than judging and trying to blame and shame yourself out of them, um, I like to get underneath it and heal that little girl or that little boy that's carrying that wound so they feel safe again.
SPEAKER_01So on my own, are there things that I can do, like for instance, can exercise help regulate some of this um trauma and help um not mask it, but help it get better? Because uh I know we us runners, we joke all the time, you know, if I didn't run, I'd murder somebody, right? Where in reality we just love it and we like to use that as an excuse, you know. Um, but are are there ways that we can help ourselves?
SPEAKER_00Well, I like to consider it self-care. Self-care is first of all, teaching your body that you care about you and showing your body in action that you care about you and that you're safe, uh, and helping to burn off those stress hormones that our our general lifestyle
Self-Care That Supports Healing
SPEAKER_00tends to accumulate. Like even just jumping in traffic every day, we're not meant for that. Our nervous system is not meant to be jacked for half an hour twice a day. Thankfully, I don't have to do that, but I feel for the people that do. Um, I don't think it replaces the deeper trauma work as a part of the process, um, but it's definitely very valuable. Anything that makes you feel empowered in your body, connects you to your body, gives you peace, gives you joy, makes you like yourself. It reminds you that you're a likable person. It's all valuable. And when we do things with our body, it's getting us back in the moment instead of up in our heads and ruminating all the time. Um, like when I've worked with um different clients, some of them are coaches themselves doing what I do. Um, so there's a time and a place for a safe person to skillfully guide you through that so that you can move forward and you don't keep recycling the same things. And that's the whole idea is you don't have to keep recycling. And then your runs are even better.
SPEAKER_01So um with the the trauma, is it would you characterize it as like a chronic stress? And that's what you know it just continues to build.
SPEAKER_00Sometimes um, we all have our default, and we can carry a certain amount of trauma and be relatively okay. You know, not as maybe as ideal, but we can be okay. Um what can happen is our our resilience threshold can be surpassed at some point, and then you have cascading symptoms, or you have a whole bunch of stuff happen in rapid succession, right? You have an elderly parent who's sick, you have a child who's in trouble, a child who's in trouble, or a strained relationship, a strained marriage, lose your job, midlife, menopause, bing, bang, boom. And suddenly you're like, I don't even know who I am anymore. Like, what is going on? I'm literally falling apart, and that's just your body reaching like its uh stress threshold, which is in itself a trauma response. So this is why I find body integrated work that is um strategic is um really changing the path because there's self-care, like even like things like meditation, breath work, yoga, whatever you like, it's all contributing to you know supporting yourself. Um but what I've where I find there's really rapid change is when it's very strategic and your body goes, oh, that threat's resolved, and then you're no longer just managing the stress and managing the anxiety, it has somewhere to go. So that's how I see it.
SPEAKER_01So when you talk about that, is um it is the process of that like funneling down to figure out exactly what the the that that problem was, and that's how you end up managing it, and you can kind of boot it out and and regulate things. Is that what you see?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like there's a little bit of structure and a little bit of flow because um part of the coaching process is connecting with with the woman and looking at what's going on with her and what's presenting itself and also what her what brought her here, right? Um the way this works generally, though, is we look for um an event or a memory that's kind of holding this in place. And it doesn't always look like the big thing, it's not always some catastrophic event. Sometimes it is, but not always. And we resolve it by strategically activating your nervous system so that whatever it was is resolved on your body's consciousness. So if you recall that thing, it used to be right here and really intrusive, and you had all kinds of reactions to it. It it's it's no longer like that ever again. You're done. So that creates this cascading effect so that you naturally aren't micromanaging the feelings and the triggers around that. They start to kind of shuffle away and resolve themselves. And then you see what's left. So sometimes we need to look at the residue of trauma, which is the identity that formed that because of your experiences, that's more survival-based. The boundaries, the behaviors, the inner critic, right? The ability to maintain your well-being. And that's like part of the process is the residue of trauma. Uh, and just to take the stigma out of the word, trauma is simply distress without resolve, right? So what's distressing for you doesn't need to fall into a checklist that someone else has about what trauma is. It's simply that feeling of feeling helpless, powerless, trapped, whatever it was in that situation.
SPEAKER_01And you it doesn't necessarily have to be all of those, it could be one of those.
SPEAKER_00No, any one of those. So it's very it's unique to the person. Like there's common things, but then everyone has their own experience.
SPEAKER_01So as a client of yours, um, what is my first step that I need to do? Because maybe I don't recognize that I have the trauma, but it sounds like maybe I could. What would be my first step as that individual?
SPEAKER_00Well, what happens often is I cross paths with someone in it and she recognizes herself and what I'm talking about. Like any of these symptoms that we've kind of been talking touching on already, she'll be like, huh. Okay. And that's where you might make use of some of the free resources like the gentle trauma assessment. From there, maybe a conversation. So, you know, if a woman is really wanting to know, you know, what are what next steps make sense for me? If I'm not the person for her, I would help her explore what might she do, right? Maybe she needs some financial help to get out of an abusive relationship, right? I'm not that first person. Um but generally I get an idea of what's coming up for you that you're not liking, what may be underneath it, and are you willing to receive um. Support in a way that feels a little bit less conventional, working with your body in this holistic way. You're not just sitting and talking. So it feels a little vulnerable. So there needs to be a little bit of courage to go, okay, I'm willing to be a little bit vulnerable to know that on the other side of this is being free of it.
SPEAKER_01Do you find that that's the hardest step is people being able to be vulnerable?
SPEAKER_00I think so. Like it was for me. Like I'm used to being the strong one and armoring up. And so for me, like one of the hardest things for me to do was to be vulnerable in any way. Right. So of course it's keeping me from experiencing joy and really fulfilling relationships. Like I had people I love, but they could be better when I'm able to soften that arm's length distance a little bit. Or be able to show up as I am and not worry so much about being judged or liked. Um yeah, so where was I going with this? I've kind of lost my train of thought for a sec here.
SPEAKER_01When we were just talking about um people feeling vulnerable and how do you kind of get past that too?
SPEAKER_00It's that little bit of courage. Um, like for me to work with a woman, we need to vibe a little bit and be like, you know, I'm excited to work with you. And she's like, I I feel good about working with you. Uh, you know, I very much create that safe space um where you really can't be that way with other people, even with your spouse. Like, I don't share with my husband the way I did with my own coach. Like it's a different relationship, and he's hurt by experiences I've had, if I share that way, whereas my coach is not. So what is so empowering is we take the power away from shame when we bring it out into the light in a safe, sacred place and resolve it. The shame doesn't have the same power when it's bought out of the cellar into the light. Right. And um, it's it's just so freeing that it just takes that little bit of courage to go, ah, okay, okay, I want to do this. I'm just a little bit, a little bit uncomfortable. And I respect and honor that, right? Like the sacredness of being in that vulnerable place with someone.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's that's um that's huge for people to open up some for some things. Yes. So yeah. Yeah I find that just in my in my type of coaching, which is physical coaching, right? I'm a personal trainer. Um, but sometimes it's hard for people even to open up, you know, for when I uh because I usually say, Hey, how'd you doing your protein this week? And they say, Well, you know, I ate six packs of Oreos instead or whatever, you know, and it's hard for people to admit the the thing. And it's like, okay, well, we try better next better eating habits next week, right? So um, so I can't imagine it because it's such a different, you know, stage to be vulnerable in that sense. That's that's uh that shows a lot of courage for the woman that's opening up for that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and it's really about the safety. So when that safe relationship and that safe place is established, um, it's like you're stepping outside of your life for a moment and you can just be held in that space instead of needing to figure it all out yourself.
SPEAKER_01What points haven't I asked you about um that you really feel the audience needs to know?
SPEAKER_00But you do where I find, like if you know, I'm you know, a lot of your listeners are are fitness enthusiasts, right? Um where I find that can tie in with the work I do. So basically I'm working with the emotions, the nervous system, the identity, is are you on one end where you're maybe overfunctioning and pushing yourself and not respecting your limits, giving yourself grace and downtime? Or are you maybe experiencing having a hard time making yourself a priority, like really centering yourself as the main character in your life unapologetically? You still do things for other people and have people you care about, but if you have a hard time and feel guilty being the main person in your life and taking responsibility and ownership of that, that's usually shining a light on an opportunity for healing. Um, or you may find that you're maybe very high functioning in certain areas of your life, like maybe with money or business or fitness, you're just killing it. And then you're like, why do I keep dating losers? Why am I letting my kids walk all over me? Why is my passive aggressive mother-in-law always such, you know, whatever it is? Uh it's just shining a light on an area of your life where perhaps there might be an opportunity for healing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Is and is it typically women that you find this in? Because I feel like that's usually us.
SPEAKER_00Well, I think being a woman, of course, you know, I'm going to gravitate to more women. I have worked with men along the way, which has been, you know, quite refreshing, but they're usually deposited by a woman at my doorstep, right? Someone's husband uh or whatever, right? So um if it's a good fit, great. But I think for women, um there's just been disadvantages that we've had to work through that are typically specific to women. Like everyone has their issues that I'm not diminishing. Life as a human can be hard. Uh, but for women, we have like our sexuality, our femininity, the gender roles that are foisted on us, the um need to and the pressure to perform and please and to fit into these roles, like wife, mother, daughter, whatever. But you're not really doing this, isn't yours. Where are you in this? And that's where I quite often intersect with women in midlife because it's hitting them like a ton of bricks. Like, my life is not my own. I don't know who I am, and this is where we get to work.
SPEAKER_01Do you find that more of your clients come to you either during menopause
Midlife Pressure And Menopause Cracks
SPEAKER_01or after menopause because that's when all the other things hit the fan?
SPEAKER_00Quite often. Um, I think also because they relate to me, because being a midlife woman myself, like I don't want to be coached by a 25-year-old, at least not about stuff about my life. Like, I want someone I feel is a little bit more understanding of my life experiences. Um it also can be other like big life upheavals. So at times I've connected with slightly younger women in the situations of uh menopause, or not menopause, sorry, divorce and separation, a life transition of some kind, or where they maybe hear about me through a friend and they realize that they've been working on themselves so hard, it's almost feeling frenetic, and they're like, I can hardly even breathe, I'm suffocating with this. So, in that case, a younger woman would connect with you, even though she's not necessarily in the same life stage as me, which is fine.
SPEAKER_01I just um being an older woman, um, it seems like things make themselves more known when you start becoming limited by your age. Yeah, you know, and and your your body's age and the things that it can no longer do. And I feel like sometimes that brings out the you know, the like, wow, so I need to address that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and then we could talk about like menopausal rage and things like that. And yes, our hormones play a factor, and we absolutely cannot diminish um how challenging it can be going through menopause and perimenopause, and it it's usually at the busiest time of our lives as well, so we're in a bit of a pressure cooker. Um, but it's like you said, like the um the house of cards starts to fall down, and sometimes that rage is extremely valid. Uh I don't recommend just burning your life down and you know uh exploding, but quite often when I work with women, we need to validate their rage and help them to release it in a way that's healthy and safe, but it is valid. Maybe they've denied and suppressed too much of themselves for too long, or they've been shamed in how they were treated, especially as women, because so many women have experienced shame just by nature of being female and the the the things that come with being female, um, that the rage is valid and we need to work through it so it doesn't damage your body.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, for sure. Like I said, a lot of us run, so we feel like we don't murder people, and that's that's some of the rage.
SPEAKER_00And that's valid, absolutely. So you don't get stabby, take a run. Okay, let's do that.
SPEAKER_01Um, so do you uh in part of your uh therapy, um, I'll call it, um do you recommend exercise and can that help um the nervous system settle down, or do you find that it actually is the has the opposite effect?
SPEAKER_00It kind of depends on the stage that what the woman is at. So sometimes when I connect with a woman, her nervous system is extremely depleted, she's very overwhelmed, and she kind of needs to get to a place where she's a little bit more resourced. So then we focus more on self-care as the big picture. So that might include, well, making sure you're eating some breakfast with protein, so you're not running on coffee for the first nine hours of the day, or it might be what do you enjoy doing that gets you in your body? And quite often that might be walking in nature or dancing or whatever it is. And then if they're wanting to go to the next step and do more um structured sort of things, then we'll we'll address that together if that's the route that they want to go. Um, so we it's it is very individualized.
SPEAKER_01So how often, like percentage-wise, is it 20%, 50%, do you come across a woman who is just basically shut down and is no longer willing to even get out of bed? She's like, that that was whatever happened yesterday was my last draw, and and that's it. And someone has said, hey, look, you need to go talk to Ramona, you know, let's let's get you in contact.
SPEAKER_00So usually when I connect with a woman, she is functioning to some extent. So if she's in the throes of clinical depression, for example, and isn't getting out of bed, then there will be some other um support that she needs at that point. Um, but what I find is that women are just kind of white knuckling and holding on by a thread. Or they can't move forward with steps and goals that they're or actions that they kind of need to take, and they just can't. So that's like the freeze response or numb apathy. Um, or the other side, like her throat's literally closing up. She's so stressed out and she's trying so hard to work on herself, and she just can't even, she can't see her way through, right? There's no creativity, resourcefulness, or resilience there. So that's usually where um we would, of course, focus on gentle trauma release and getting her some relief. Um, the other side of the thing is a woman's functioning, you know, somewhat okay, but this is a sticking point. Uh so as an entrepreneur, maybe um imposter syndrome is taking over and she's having a hard time asking to be paid properly. Or um she's you know starting to get active, but food noise is occupying her brain all the time. And if she eats one cookie, she eats 25 cookies, right? So this is like, well, what's going on here with your nervous system? Um usually not to the stage that they're in bed for a week straight because they wouldn't think to contact me and they might need some medical help at that point.
SPEAKER_01So there's it's not necessarily at the low bottom or the their overachiever usually is in the middle there.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like definitely high achiever, uh, definitely someone who's had a low point, but not to the point that they need medical intervention because they're not maybe quite ready for coaching yet, because this is coaching, right? So they might need some other supports, medication or diagnosis if it if it is really that severe. But most of us, you know, we're doing the best we can. We're plotting along, and either our resilience is surpassed because of an accumulation of stuff that happened, um, or menopause just allows us, just reveals the cracks in our coping mechanisms. Um, or we just find that we're just not happy and we want to find a way to be more happy and aren't quite sure how to do that based on what we've already been trying.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's so do you describe it sometimes um as, well, I was happy and now I'm not, and I don't know why. I don't know if that's the word what like describe it, but is that kind of what you would say, hmm, yeah, I need to talk to you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it can be, yeah, because it might be like I've achieved everything that I set out to do. My life looks good on paper, but I'm not happy. Um, right? So we we've put moved ourselves towards all the things we thought we should do, or based on a version of cells that we were 15 years ago, and we're realizing, well, is this all there is? That's what I hear women asking, mid-like, is this all there is? And that's where the combination of the therapeutic and the coaching hold hands, right? To help you work with the identity and the the persona that you became to perform, but now you're ready to expand. So we gotta like shed some old skin here and get rid of some boat anchors so you can be free and become that woman.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I think sometimes um we do, we we set these goals, and then when we reach him, we go, wait a minute, I thought things were gonna be so much different. And it's like a fairy tale that we had we had created, and then all of a sudden it's like, oh well, that sucked.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. In the meantime, you've been denying, you know, the little urges you've had, the little whispers of go this direction or try that. You're like, no, no, no, no, no, right. And then your body's like punches you in the face, right? Like even when I was um, I think around 45, I took singing lessons. And do you know when I first thought I might like to learn singing is when I was like 17 years old. But I was like, oh no, no, no, that's not me. No, right? And then I took it just for fun. And it felt really uncomfortable, like really vulnerable and a rate, but uh it was an inner nudge. My soul wanted that. So at some point I listened.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's great. And uh and can you sing now?
SPEAKER_00I wouldn't call it a performative singing, but I learned some stuff from it and I enjoyed the experience. I would do it again, I'm just not giving it my attention right now.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I I would, I'm sure all of my family members would say I need singing lessons. Well, they're totally different reasons.
SPEAKER_00Needing it versus wanting it. There's two different things.
SPEAKER_01That's true.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Is um have I covered all of the things that my audience needs to hear?
SPEAKER_00Well, what you can ask yourself, like if you're you know focused on fitness or prioritizing fitness, or it's something you're thinking about, thinking about, um, what I like to think with women is sometimes we need to pause, especially in midlife, and think about why am I doing this? And what am I hoping to get out of it? Uh, because we can fall into the default of maybe a bit of body dysmorphia and body bashing, or trying to achieve the body we had 15, 25, even five years ago. I don't know if I'm even gonna get my five-year-ago body, to be honest. And um it's important to think about, you know, if we're looking for quality of life and longevity, uh, we need to like ourselves. I know that sounds pretty straightforward, but it isn't.
Boundaries For People Pleasing Habits
SPEAKER_00Um, so if your actions don't show liking yourself, that's why I get curious. What's what's going on? What part of me is taking over here and uh running the show that feels that I need to do things this way? Um I don't think about analyzing analyzing yourself to death all the time because I think self-analysis does not always lead to healing and resolution. But it helps to give yourself some breathing space. Is do I have to do things this way? What if I don't want to? What if there's something different that I actually really want? Uh, because my values are really about if you're going to incorporate the pillars of fitness and and food, do it in a way that you can live in that space, like yourself and like what you're doing while still moving towards the body you want to live in.
SPEAKER_01Do you think that a lot of it stems because women don't know how to say no? Because you just kind of, you know, if you don't like to do that, why are you doing it? And so I I wonder, you know, because we don't say, you know, you got 8,000 things on your plate, and your best friend says, Oh, but can you, you know, can you come over and help me do this? or you and ever and you go, Oh, yeah, okay. Because and then that was what kind of broke the camel's back.
SPEAKER_00It is very common, I find more so in women than men, to you might call yourself a people pleaser. It's not who you are, it's just um how you adapted to manage chaos, manage other people's emotions, be safe. Um, and that's where I was coming up across this years ago with women who would feel so much shame because they couldn't achieve their goals, because they couldn't make their basic self-care a priority. Something always bumped them off the list. So, yeah, it's it's about it is uncomfortable to set boundaries and limits when you're just starting to think about it. Um I find if there's an accumulation of trauma, it can be wildly uncomfortable to think about someone being displeased with you. Uh, and it's not out of kindness, it's about of the consequences of letting someone down. Uh, so it's a way of managing your environment, and then society rewards it. Right? So, yeah, that starts to unravel, but you can choose small things, and it doesn't need to be like you don't need to be like an iron fist, no to everything. It's more like, let me get back to you on that. Or the politely declining without over-explaining, or saying yes to something that's really important to you that no one else understands because that doesn't matter, right? So maybe saying yes to something that's important to you that other people might judge, okay, that's on them. That's part of it too.
SPEAKER_01How closely related are guilt and shame? I feel like a lot of women today, um, if they can't be, you know, that perfect wife, perfect mother, they feel so guilty about it.
SPEAKER_00Are they closely related or yeah, you're totally nailing this? So it's like you've been studying the map of consciousness. So down at the very lowest, like the 10-watt light bulb, the 20-watt light bulb is guilt. So it's just above shame. So shame says who I am is no good. Guilt says what I do is no good, or I need to earn my worth. So it tells, and underneath that, without fail, in my experience, there's always an element of trauma. It might be a pattern that was reinforced over and over and over again in your childhood or in some other way. But those are very um low-energy emotions. So it's hard to live your best life, so to speak, when those emotions are taking over a lot because they will dictate behaviors that don't take you where you want to go. So um, I find by resolving whatever's underneath it, um you shift up naturally. The guilt and shame, you shift up. So I'm not foisting anyone up, it happens naturally, like letting go of a balloon and it just rises, right? That's what happens.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I because of um when I run, I don't always run alone. I run in a in a group of uh typically women, and you know, the the talk of well, you should do that. Well, I you know, I I gotta do things for the kids instead, or things for my husband instead. And so they even sometimes being on the run, they feel guilty because they're away from the house. And um, so that's and that just was making me think of how how we get like that as women, that we feel bad that, well, I'm not home. I should be home scrubbing floors versus out here taking care of myself and running and clearing my own head and whatever. And sometimes we feel guilty, but that and when we do things we like. So I can see that.
SPEAKER_00So true. Yeah, very accurate reflection.
unknownYeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Unlike me.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I I was never the martyr type. Um, you know, I've certainly witnessed that a lot, and it's just an adaptation. It can be reinforced. And I mean, a mother in its motherhood in itself is you know a very big life-changing event, and you'll never be the same after. Um so it it can be just kind of a learning process to claim your identity as you are still a whole person in and of yourself. You are a woman and a human being worthy of the self-care, love, and attention, even though you might have more asked of you at certain stages with your children, then that's okay.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but you can't lose yourself. You have to take care of yourself to take care of them.
SPEAKER_00Well, you're also modeling for them what an empowered woman is and bringing them a healthier, happier version of yourself. Because if your nervous system is strung out all the time, it's absolutely rubbing off on your family, even though you're kind and loving. It is rubbing off because we co-regulate with the people around us. So if you're high strong, it's gonna rub off on your kids. Uh, not that you should make changes out of shame, but it's just nobody wins when you're burnt out and exhausted. In the end, it's a losing game for everybody.
SPEAKER_01Sure.
unknownSure.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Well, is there any last little words that we need to tell these people other than the fact that I will put um all the links and things in the show notes so people can reach out to you if they need to?
SPEAKER_00Well, what I would, you know, I had to remind myself of this is that you're worthy of giving yourself love, attention, nurturing, and support when it's needed. It's not like you need support 24-7, but sometimes at certain junctures, to break through like a glass ceiling, to break through an area that you just can't seem to, getting a little bit of help along the way is actually very courageous. It's not weak. Um, and just remember that you have a little girl within that needs your love and attention, and she feels safe when you prioritize
Final Takeaways And Next Steps
SPEAKER_00yourself and you don't abandon her to only function for others.
SPEAKER_01Wow, that's pretty deep. Great ending words. Thank you so much for being with us today. Um, as I mentioned, I'll put all the links, um, listeners into the show notes so you can reach out to Ramona. And it was great to have you here. I look forward to uh speaking with you again.
SPEAKER_00Thank you so much, Carla.
unknownBye bye.
SPEAKER_01My pleasure. Bye bye.