Experience Motherhood

97. Finding Yourself Again in the Middle of Motherhood (Part 3)

• Liz Emmerich, MA, LPCC, RPT • Episode 97

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0:00 | 16:25

Can I ask you something kind of real?

When was the last time someone asked how you were doing - not as a mom, not as a partner, not as whoever needs something from you - and you actually had an answer that wasn't "tired" or "good, just busy"?

Because I've been sitting with that one lately. And honestly? It took me a minute.

This is the finale of our mini-series, and I really wanted to end here - on this idea of what happens when you quietly disappear in the middle of motherhood. Not in a dramatic way. Not a breakdown or a big identity crisis. Just that slow, subtle thing where you look up one day and realize you've been ordering the practical thing for so long you forgot what you actually wanted. Or a friend asks what you do for fun and you automatically list your kids' activities. Or you're alone in Target for 20 whole minutes and you genuinely have no idea what you would even buy for yourself.

That's what we're talking about today. I'm calling it functional disappearance - you're still here, lunches are packed, emotional support fully online - but somewhere underneath all of that, there's a version of you that's just been on hold.

The good news? She hasn't gone nearly as far as you think.


In This Episode:

  • What "functional disappearance" really is — and why it happens so quietly
  • The moment in Target that made me realize how much I'd drifted from myself
  • The stages of mom "me time" (stage one: announcing you need alone time — rookie mistake)
  • Why you don't need a whole day off to start coming back to yourself
  • Small, real moments that help you remember who you are underneath the schedules and the mental load
  • The "both/and" of motherhood — you can love this and still miss the person you were before
  • A gentle question to carry with you this week


MENTIONS IN THE EPISODE:

Interested in a deeper space beyond the podcast? I’m gathering an interest list as I listen and discern what support might come next: https://experiencemotherhood.myflodesk.com/a-place-to-go-deeper


Missed the mini-series? Start with Episode 95 (glimmers) and Episode 96 (the mental load)


I'd love to hear your thoughts! Send me a message :)


Experience Motherhood more!


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Until next time. . . Go Experience Motherhood!


Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational purposes only. In no way is this therapy or clinical advice.

SPEAKER_01

When was the last time someone asked how you were doing? Not as a mom, not as a partner, not as whoever needs something from you, but just you. And you actually had an answer that wasn't tired or good, just busy. Motherhood is beautiful, but let's be real, it's also overwhelming. If you're a mom who loves her kids fiercely, but also has ambitions beyond the carpool line, you might be feeling something else too. Torn. You're keeping everything running, managing the schedules, the meals, the mental load, but you're also craving something more. Maybe it's your career, your creativity, or just remembering who you were before everyone needed something from you. And the guilt of wanting both, it's exhausting. From the outside, you look like you have it all together, but inside you're stretched thin, wondering if you have to choose between being a great mom and becoming the woman you're meant to be. Here's the truth: you don't have to choose between both. I'm Liz Emmerich, licensed therapist, mom of three, and someone who deeply understands the both and tension of motherhood. This is Experience Motherhood, the place where we dismantle the myth that you have to do it all or lose yourself. Through honest conversations with experts and moms in the trenches, you'll get mental health insights, grounded encouragement, and permission to build a life that honors every part of you. Let's live motherhood fully, honestly, and together. It's time to experience motherhood. Okay, so I have to ask you something before we get into today's episode. When was the last time someone asked how you were doing? Not as a mom, not as a partner, not as whoever needs something from you, but just you. And you actually had an answer that wasn't tired or good, just busy, because I was thinking about this the other day, and honestly, I had to sit with that for a minute. So that's kind of where today's episode is living. This is the finale of our mini-series, and I really wanted to end it here on this idea of what happens when you kind of disappear in the middle of motherhood. Not in like a dramatic way, but just in that quiet everyday way where you look up one day and realize you can't remember the last thing you did just for you. So we're gonna talk about that. We're gonna laugh about it a little, and we're gonna figure out how you actually come back to yourself without it having to be a whole thing. And over the last couple of episodes, we've talked about the small moments that keep us going and that running list in our heads that never turns off. We've looked at the glimmers and we've looked at the mental load. But today I really do want to talk about the person carrying all of that. Because somewhere between the snacks and the school forms and the constant answering of questions and those mental tabs open in your brain, it's really easy to lose sight of yourself too.

SPEAKER_00

I don't think most moms disappear all at once.

SPEAKER_01

You know, it's not this dramatic movie moment where you wake up and think, I don't know who I am anymore. It's really more subtle and it's quieter than that. It's realizing you haven't listened to Music You Love in forever because the car is always filled with the with you know everyone else's songs. It's automatically ordering that practical thing instead of the thing you actually want. It's somebody asking what you like to do for fun, and you genuine and you genuinely not knowing how to answer. And maybe really that is the hardest part, um, is that from the outside, you really still look like you're doing great. You're functioning, you're showing up, you're keeping all of those spates, you are keeping all of those plates spinning. But inside you're thinking, where did I go? You know, I think even for me, and maybe you'll find for yourself too, that you know, maybe your kids are gone for a few hours and you immediately start cleaning or being productive because sitting still actually just feels uncomfortable. Almost like you don't know what to do with yourself if no one needs you. Or this other day, I was standing in Target alone, actually, for like 20 minutes to myself. And I was wandering the aisles. And I realized I had no idea even what I would just buy because I just liked it. You know, you automatically head to the kids section. I know I do. Um, I go to the snack section. I even think like, oh my gosh, we're out of kids' toothpaste. You know, everyone else's things come first before your own, before you shop in your section or the home department section. Or maybe, you know, it's a time where you realize you've been saying that I'm fine automatically for months. You know, someone asks you how you are, and before you can even think, you say, Oh, I'm good, I'm busy. And then later alone you think, Am I, am I good? Like, yeah, I'm busy, but am I good? Or here's one that's definitely happened to me. A friend asks you what you do for fun, and you immediately answer with the things your kids do, like, oh, there's basketball games, oh, we have family movie nights, oh, we're going to the park. And then later after that conversation, you realize none of those things are actually your things. And the funny thing is, so often we don't even notice this is happening at first because motherhood is so consuming in the most beautiful and exhausting way. You love these kids so much and you want to be there for them. You want to do it well. And slowly, without even meaning to, you start believing that everyone else gets to matter first. I want to pause for just a minute and share something I've been thinking about lately. I've been hearing from so many of you who love the podcast, but are also craving a little more, a place to slow down, reflect, and not feel so alone in this season of motherhood. I'm still listening and discerning what that could look like, and I don't have it fully figured out yet. That might be a small group, some kind of guided support, or something else. But I'd really love to build it with you, not just for you. So if you want to be part of that conversation, I've created a simple interest list. There's no commitment at all. It's just a way to stay connected and have a voice in what's coming. You can find the link in the show notes. All right, let's get back to today's episode. So I like to kind of call this idea or concept functional disappearance. You know, you're still here. Lunches are packed, the forms are signed, emotional support fully online, but somewhere in there, there's this version of you that existed before all of this. And she's been on hold. She's not gone. She's just waiting. I also think that moms have a very different definition of alone time than literally everyone else. Before kids, alone time maybe meant an afternoon, maybe a coffee shop, maybe wandering target for no reason. Now alone time is sitting in the car in the driveway for seven minutes because no one knows you're there yet. Or going to the bathroom and thinking, maybe this is it. Maybe this is where I finally get one interrupted thought. But here's the thing: there's like these stages of mom, you know, me time. You know, you announce, you know, stage ones, you're announcing that you're gonna have some alone time. First of all, this is an absolute rookie mistake because you told them, told your kids where you're gonna be. The next stage is, you know, you close that bathroom door and then you hear a knock within 45 seconds. Or stage three, the I'm fine, you go rest. That means the opposite. Stage four of this mom me time is like maybe you're trying to read and then you reread the same paragraph six times, and then you just declare and decide, you know, reading is too much. Or stage five, then you watch something on your phone with one earbud out, still listening for everyone else, though, not totally engaged. Stage six might even be like, you're just gonna give up and you're gonna go make the snack. And then somebody immediately appears. You are not alone. You will never be alone. And I've decided that me time is really less of a destination and it's more of a feeling. A feeling I have approximately once every two weeks for about 11 minutes, you know, right after everyone falls asleep, but before I do. So, what this week, and honestly, this whole season has been teaching me in motherhood is that reconnecting with yourself doesn't happen all at once either. You know, you disappear little by little, and you also can come back little by little too. So let's talk about a couple small moments that can kind of bring that part of you back. Maybe it's making a playlist that has nothing to do with your kids' music. Truly music, you know, from my era would be like the 90s or early 2000s, you know, or whatever it is. Music that just makes you happy has nothing to do with your kids. Maybe it's ordering what you actually want and not the, you know, quote, practical thing. Finishing a thought, but just one before someone needs you. Or maybe it's saying, I don't know, what do I think? And actually waiting for the answer, actually responding with what do you think? What do you want? Or maybe it's even as simple as noticing something beautiful and letting yourself feel it for a full 10 seconds, not just a quick, oh, that's pretty, and then you go on to the next thing. I used to think coming back to myself really meant I needed that entire whole day off or a trip away, or more time than I actually had. But what I am realizing is that maybe it starts smaller than that. Maybe it starts with asking myself, what do I need right now? What do I miss? What makes me feel like me? And then actually letting the answer matter. So I want you to think about this in your own life. You know, think back to a moment this week, however tiny, where you felt like yourself, not a mom, just you. What were you doing? Where were you? That's a clue. And you know, reconnection isn't always a grand gesture. Okay. Sometimes it's five minutes worth of coffee before anyone wakes up. Sometimes it's a song you used to love on the drive home. Sometimes it's laughing and something stupid and realizing, oh, there she is. Because maybe you don't need to hope become a whole new version of yourself. Maybe you just need to come back to the version of you that's been there all along, underneath the schedules and the mental load and the constant giving. You know, you can love motherhood and still miss the person you were before. We talk about this a lot on the podcast. You can be present for your kids and you can still need space that's just yours. You can disappear for a little bit and still find your way back. The glimmers exist. The mental load is real. We talk about it a lot. And you, you're still here. That's the both and of motherhood. Not one or the other, both. Always both. And somehow, and possibly that is enough. So in this first episode of the miniseries, you know, we talked about glimmers, the tiny moments that remind us this is good even when it's hard. In the second episode, we named the running list in our heads and the invisible weight so many of us moms are carrying. And now in this last episode, I think what I'm realizing, and I hope that you are too, is that the small things weren't small at all. The mental load is real. And underneath all of this, you're still there. You know, for me, this little mini-series has really given me a chance to kind of find myself and to think about what I'm thinking about. You know, it really takes time to sit down and think of what do I want to share? What do I think is going to be relatable? What do I think is going to be encouraging and helpful for you? And through all of that, thinking about what you need, I also got a chance to think about what I needed. So thank you. And for me, this has really been a good reminder of looking for those glimmers, but also noticing and acknowledging there is a mental load that is real and that I'm still there. The me before kids is still a part of me. And it's a part because now I also have a mom part and I get to be a mom, which is so cool and what a privilege. This week, and really this whole mini-series has reminded me that I don't have to have it figured out to show up. I just have to show up. And so do you. That's enough. You're enough, even on the hard weeks. If you've been feeling a little lost in the middle of motherhood lately, maybe this week, don't try to reinvent yourself. Just look for one tiny thing that brings you back. It could be a song, it could be a walk, a coffee while it's still hot. I know. A laugh with a friend. Five quiet minutes in the car before you go inside. Start there because you are still in there and you haven't gone nearly as far as you think. I would just love to know from you what's one tiny space you've carved out for yourself this week. It does not have to be impressive. It just has to be yours. Send me a message, leave a review, or drop it over in my email or on Instagram. I love to read the messages and I read every single one. Because really, this show only works if it feels like a conversation. And you often hear from me, but you're the other half, and I would love to hear from you. Until next time, go experience motherhood. You can sign up through the link in the show notes. Each week I send encouragement, insights, and a reminder that you can love your kids fiercely and still pursue your dreams. The Experienced Motherhood Podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. Nothing shared on this podcast should be considered clinical advice or a substitute for individualized mental health care. Although I am a licensed professional clinical counselor, this podcast does not establish a therapeutic relationship. If you're needing support, please reach out to a qualified mental health provider near you. If you're in crisis, contact your local emergency services or the 988 Suicide in Crisis Lifeline.

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Elisabeth Emmerich, MA, LPCC, RPT

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