101. Why High-Achieving Moms Struggle to Slow Down in Summer (And What to Do About It)

You made it to summer — so why does it feel harder, not easier?

If the end of the school year brings relief for about five minutes before your brain starts building a new system, you're not broken. You're wired for structure. And for high-achieving moms, the unstructured weeks of summer don't signal rest — they signal anxiety. In this episode, I'm naming what's actually happening in your nervous system when summer hits, why the slow-down feels so hard, and three practical tools to help you loosen the grip without losing yourself.

In This Episode:

• Why your nervous system doesn't automatically shift when the school year ends — and why that's not a character flaw
• The four summer nervous system patterns high-achieving moms fall into (do you recognize yourself?)
• The identity question that surfaces when the routine pauses: who am I if I'm not managing everything?
• Why the comparison spiral hits harder in summer — and what to do with it
• The difference between a routine that grounds you and a schedule that controls you
• What the research actually says about what your kids need this summer (spoiler: it's a lot less than the color-coded calendar)
• Winnicott's "good enough mother" concept and why the imperfect summer is actually doing something
• A question to ask yourself before you add one more thing to the summer calendar

Resources & Links:

• 🌿 Join the Present Mom Summer Practice — a free 6-week email series for moms who want to actually feel present this summer, not just survive it. No homework, no checklist — just honest encouragement and one small practice each week: https://experiencemotherhood.myflodesk.com/summer-of-grace

Connect with Liz:

What's your summer nervous system pattern — overscheduler, optimizer, helper who can't stop, or checker outer? I'd love to know. Come find me on Instagram and tell me yours.

Experience Motherhood more!

• Follow over on Instagram: @experiencemotherhood
• STAY CONNECTED THROUGH EMAIL
• Sign up for the Experience Motherhood Newsletter: https://experiencemotherhood.myflodesk.com/kac05b818m
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• Website: https://www.experiencemotherhood.com

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Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational purposes only. In no way is this therapy or clinical advice.

Transcript

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There is this fear that when we slow down, it means we're actually falling behind. Maybe that there's mom guilt that activates when we're not actively doing something for our kids. We feel this need to like always be doing something for them, or we're not a good enough mom and we feel bad about it. I really want to turn that around a little bit because I want to challenge us to really lean into slowing down as actually being productive. Rest is a choice. Motherhood is beautiful, but let's be real, it's also overwhelming. If you're a mom who loves her kids fiercely but also has ambitions beyond the carpool line, you might be feeling something else too. Torn. You're keeping everything running, managing the schedules, the meals, the mental load, but you're also craving something more. Maybe it's your career, your creativity, or just remembering who you were before everyone needed something from you. And the guilt of wanting both, it's exhausting. From the outside, you look like you have it all together, but inside you're stretched thin, wondering if you have to choose between being a great mom and becoming the woman you're meant to be. Here's the truth: you don't have to choose between both. I'm Liz Emmerich, licensed therapist, mom of three, and someone who deeply understands the both and tension of motherhood. This is Experience Motherhood, the place where we dismantle the myth that you have to do it all or lose yourself. Through honest conversations with experts and moms in the trenches, you'll get mental health insights, grounded encouragement, and permission to build a life that honors every part of you. Let's live motherhood fully, honestly, and together. It's time to experience motherhood. Hello and welcome back to Experience Motherhood. So just imagine this for a minute. It's the first week of summer, the schedule is gone, and instead of exhaling, you're already rebuilding a new system. You've color-coded the summer calendar, you've researched the camps, and you feel vaguely anxious when there's nothing to accomplish. If you've ever felt weirdly worse when things slow down, this episode is going to be for you. So many of us, high-achieving moms, we often build our sense of safety and identity around productivity and forward motion. When that school year structure, you know, drops away, the nervous system doesn't automatically know how to shift and it just looks for like the next thing to optimize. I just want you to know this is totally normal. It is part of how we are wired. It's not a character flaw. It's something that has served us well, really, all year long. We've done so much during the school year when there's more structure and we thrive in that environment. And everything is working until summer, when everything is off routine. Things are different every single week, every single day. Again, I just want to highlight that this is nothing is wrong with you. This is how you might be wired. But what do we do about that, truly? Because really, there's this busyness factor that I think so many of us struggle with, of just wanting to do more and more and more. I know I struggle with it, and I am sure you do too. So let's get into the nitty-gritty of like what summer actually triggers with us. You know, there could be a, I think so often there is this fear that when we slow down, it means we're actually falling behind. Or maybe that there's mom guilt that activates when we're not actively doing something for our kids. Like we feel this need to like always be doing something for them, or we're not a good enough mom and we feel bad about it. Or maybe our kids aren't signed up in that many camps in the summer, and it's like this mom guilt on us. And so often this slowing down means that we're not being productive, right? So we think. But I really want to turn that around a little bit because I want to challenge us to really lean into slowing down as actually being productive. Rest is a choice. And if we're intentional when we rest, we actually can be productive, right? Because we're focusing on resting our body and our mind. You know, I think the identity question that often surfaces to when the routine pauses in summertime is really, who am I if I'm not managing everything? And oh, that is a tough one to wrestle with, right? Like ask yourself that right now, wherever you're listening to this episode. Who am I if I'm not managing everything? And if you can't answer that right away, I don't mean this in a guilt-shaming way at all, but I want you to get curious about that. Who really are you if you're not controlling things, managing the schedules, having the routines? Who are you as a woman, as a mom, beyond a woman, a mom? Who are you? And I think that there's so often this comparison spiral that often hits really hard in the summer, maybe harder than any other time of the year, because it's so easy to see these other families go to the cabins or take these vacations or the kids are going to camps, and there's just like highlight reel after highlight reel. And I'm probably guilty of this too, because right, social media, particularly Instagram, we show things that are making us happy and they are highlights in our life. We're not posting the hard stuff. That would be highly inappropriate, especially around our children, right? Like we're not gonna show them having a tantrum. But we all deal with them, right? Our kids are off routines and structure. It's hard for them too. And I think it's particularly hard for us. So summer can really trigger a lot of things differently for us high-achieving moms than it does the rest of the time of the year, just in a different way. So, what do we actually do about it? I want to give you just a couple, you know, three things really that I have found that have been really helpful in my own life, helpful with the therapy clients that I work with. And hopefully they'll be really encouraging for you too. And they're nothing like life-shattering by any means, but just take the moment to really, yeah, practice them, see if they work for you. So let's talk about uh three different things that you can do this summer to have a different experience in your motherhood journey. The first one I want to talk about is naming your summer nervous system pattern. I just want to start off by normalizing again that as a high-achieving mom, we all have a default move when there's unstructured time that comes, like summertime. And most of us don't even know what ours is until we're already like three weeks into summer, and we're wondering why we're exhausted. So here's some examples of some common patterns that maybe you identify with. Maybe it's one, maybe it's several of them. The first common pattern I want to mention is the overscheduler. So perhaps you're the mom who fills every week with camps, activities, play dates before June even starts. Your calendar is full before you even had a chance to ask yourself what you actually want summer to feel like. Your anxiety really can live in the white space. Or maybe you're the optimizer. You turn summer into a stealth enrichment season. Every road trip has an audiobook, every afternoon has a learning component, the pool time somehow becomes swimming lessons. You can't just be somewhere, you have to be getting something out of it. Or maybe you're the helper who can't stop. You redirect all your productivity, energy into doing things for your kids. You're planning, researching, facilitating, coordinating. You're always in service of someone else's experience, which looks selfless, but is actually just busyness wearing a different outfit. Or maybe you're the checker outer. I like this one. Maybe you're the checker outer. You swing the other direction and mentally check out. Maybe you're scrolling more, you're engaging less, you're numbing because you don't know how to be present without a purpose. And this one I think is really undertalked about. And I just want to name that for you. So we've got different patterns. We've got the overscheduler, we have the optimizer, the helper who can't stop, and the checker outer. So I want you just to name your pattern. This is by all means not a diagnosis. It really, I want you to think of it as a compassionate tool. So when you say, Oh, there I go, over scheduling again, you can create a tiny pause between this impulse and the action. And that pause is where this choice lives. So you don't have to stop being who you are. And some of these can be definitely personality traits, but I want you just to get more conscious about it, more aware of what your pattern might be and what your nervous system pattern in summer might be. If what we're talking about today is resonating with you, I want to invite you into something I'm doing this summer. It's called the Present Mom Summer Practice, and it's a free six-week email series I created for moms who are craving more presence and less pressure this season. Each week you'll get a short, honest email from me, a little encouragement, a personal story, and one simple thing to try. No overwhelm, no to-do lists, just a slower, softer summer. You can sign up at the link in the show notes, and I'd love to have you there. Okay. So we talked now about naming your summer nervous system pattern. The second thing is building, the second thing is to build one anchor, not a schedule. So I really want you to separate yourself from the, you know, quote, just slow down advice that some ambitious moms find unhelpful and slightly condescending. So the second one is build one anchor, not a schedule. So I really want you to separate yourself from this just slow down advice that often we get that can sometimes feel unhelpful and slightly condescending. The goal isn't to eliminate structure. I want you to hear that. It's to just make it the right size for you and your family. So research is really clear on this. Routines definitely reduce anxiety for both kids and adults, but there is a meaningful difference between a routine that grounds you and a schedule that controls you. So hear that again. There's a difference between a routine that grounds you and a schedule that controls you. One anchor is enough to give this nervous system something to hold on to. So, what does this anchor look like actually in real life in practice? I want to just kind of walk through it with you. So, an anchor is something that's consistent. It's the same time, maybe the same feel, doesn't require planning. It's also low stakes. So missing it one time isn't going to derail. Missing it one time isn't going to derail the whole day. And it's not productivity adjacent. So it's not your workout because you have to exercise. It's not your to-do list review. It's not something that could end up on a resume. Here's a couple of anchor examples that maybe you can implement into your summer routine or daily life. So maybe it's a coffee on the back porch before anyone else is up, or a 10-minute read after lunch while the kids have quiet time. It could be a short walk at the same time every evening, or something like that. So the content matters less than the consistency and the intention behind it. So this is mine. It signals me that I exist outside of managing everyone else. So the content matters less than the actual consistency and intention. You really want to make it yours, and that can signal to you that you exist outside of managing everyone else. So one anchor isn't settling for less. It's the thing that makes everything else sustainable. So we've talked about name your summer nervous system pattern. We've talked now about build one anchor, not a schedule. And the and the third tool that I want to talk about is the good enough summer reframe. So the research on what kids need for healthy development and the summers we think we're supposed to provide are almost completely disconnected from each other. So there's a lot of research around unstructured play, and that it's not a gap in the schedule. It actually is the whole point. And as a child therapist, and of course a mom of three, this is so true. And it really changes my own experience of motherhood, but I know it's changing my children's childhood experience. Child development research consistently shows that boredom, free play, and self-directed time are where kids are building creativity and resilience. They build frustration, tolerance, and self-regulation. The enrichment activities we layer on top are often for us as parents. It's our own anxiety. It's our own fear of wasting their potential. It's more than for them. So another thing that research really tells us is that there's connection over content. So when kids report, remembering often what childhood isn't. So a lot of times what kids remember from childhood isn't the camps or the curated experiences, it's the feeling of their parents being present. It's the slow mornings, the lazy afternoons, the times when no one was rushing anywhere. And think about your own experience as a child. I mean, we're a parent now, but think back on your childhood. What are the highlights? And of course, there's probably are some camps and actual, you know, content in there in your memories, but a lot of it is the feeling. How did childhood feel to you? The good enough mother isn't a consolation prize. She's actually the goal. So the mom who is perfectly attuned and endlessly stimulating doesn't give her child a chance to actually develop the tolerance for disappointment or the ability to self-soothe. And so the imperfect summer is actually doing something. Like, think about that. When things are not fully structured, when there's downtime, when things are maybe uncomfortable, we're actually helping our kids out. So here's an example. So a good enough summer, what does that look like in my own house? You know, I'm giving myself permission this year to not sign my kids up for a lot of camps. Um, we're doing a couple things this summer, but really not. And there can be a lot of anxiety about like, oh my gosh, what are we gonna do? Like on the days that I don't work or see clients and I'm home with my kids, what are we gonna do? But I think that's the beauty of the unstructuredness, right? Like if I wake up on a day I'm with my kids and the sun is out and it's gonna be a beautiful day, we can just decide to go to the beach. We could decide to meet up with friends and be more spontaneous. And that is a good enough summer. That's exactly actually what I would love for my kids to have a summer where, yes, there's some routines because that is really helpful for them, but also it's not so scheduled that there's not time for unstructured play. And it's more of a summer about connection and feeling. That's what I want them to take away. So before you finalize, one more thing on the summer calendar. I want you just to ask yourself, is this for them, my kids, or is this for my anxiety? And both are completely valid answers, but I want you to really know the difference changes everything. So here's what I want you to take away from today. You do not need to become a different person this summer. You do not need to suddenly become the mom who has zero plans and zero ambition and floats through June in a linen dress unbothered. That is not you. And honestly, that's not the goal. The goal is to just loosen the group a little bit, to notice when the pattern kicks in, the overscheduling, the optimizing, the busyness that keeps you from actually being in your summer, and give yourself one breath of choice before you default into it. That's it. That's the whole thing. So you're allowed to be ambitious and unhurried. You're allowed to want a beautiful summer and let it be a little messy. Those things aren't opposites. They just need a little more grace and a little less pressure to coexist. And speaking of grace, this summer I'm bringing back something I did similarly last year that a lot of you told me that you really love. It's called the Present Mom Summer Practice. And it's a free six-week email series for moms who want to actually feel present this season and not just survive it. It's not a course, it's not a challenge, there's absolutely no homework, no checklist, nothing really to complete. It's just me and your inbox. Something short, something honest, something that I hope makes you feel a little less alone in whatever this season brings. So again, you can grab this link in the show notes, and I just love to have you in there. Thank you so much for spending this time with me today, and I'll see you next week. Let's go experience motherhood. Thank you so much for joining me today, and I hope this episode really brought so much value to your experience in motherhood. Please take a minute to rate and review this podcast and make sure that you're subscribed so you don't miss the next new episode. Until next time, go experience motherhood. The Experienced Motherhood Podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. Nothing shared on this podcast should be considered clinical advice or a substitute for individualized mental health care. Although I am a licensed professional clinical counselor, this podcast does not establish a therapeutic relationship. If you're needing support, please reach out to a qualified mental health provider near you. If you're in crisis, contact your local emergency services or the 988 Suicide in Crisis Lifeline.