23. Now What? How to Find Fulfillment in Midlife

In this episode, Laurie debunks the myth that if you work hard and delay gratification in your 20s and 30s, you'll be rewarded with fulfillment in midlife. She discusses why so many midlife women feel unfulfilled despite "having it all" on paper, the problem with checking societal boxes (school, job, marriage, kids) without finding internal fulfillment , and the false promise that hard work and self-sacrifice will pay off later.

Laurie explains that midlife doesn't automatically bring contentment and life satisfaction women expect to enjoy. Instead, feelings of boredom routine, and going through the motions in midlife are surprisingly pervasive. To enjoy the reward of midlife, it's imperative that you take charge of your midlife story, and get intentional about what you want at midlife.

EPISODE LINKS AND MENTIONS:
Webinar: Now WHAT? 5 Questions Every Midlife Women Should Know How to Answer for Herself

School of Midlife Episode: Love the One You're With (Or Not): Grey Divorce, Midlife Affairs and More

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Transcript

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You've made it this far. You're squarely within midlife. This is when you should be rewarded. Don't you owe it to yourself to figure out how you can make midlife your best life. Because. Just like, it has always been. No one else is going to do this for you. There is no one else in your life who feels as strongly as you do. About how you should. Be feeling now that you have reached midlife. That you should be personally fulfilled. That your days and your life should be filled with all sorts of life satisfaction. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm Laurie Reynoldson, former award-winning attorney turned high performance coach for midlife women. I designed this podcast is your go-to place for weekly midlife inspiration, where I'll be sharing, inspiring stories, providing step-by-step actionable coaching and introducing you to some incredible women who are absolutely crushing it at the midlife game. And you'd better believe we'll also be having candid conversations about mid-life relationships, career moves, money, menopause, and so much more. So take out your reading glasses and notebooks. My friends, because the School of Midlife is in session. Well, Hey friends. Welcome back to another episode of the school of mid-life podcast. I am so grateful that you are here today. There's been something that's been coming up a lot lately with the women that I talked to. Um, and I think it's because. We're coming up on back to school time. Right? I last week, I talked all about the end of summer. And there's something about dropping the kids off at college. And I've seen a bunch of rush photos on bid day. So there's all this excitement that comes With new adventures and new opportunities and just new school. I college obviously is a completely brand new experience that has all of these. Just very exciting. Shiny penny newness about it, right.. Um, some of you. Aren't dropping kids off at college yet, but you know, they're going to high school or maybe they're, they're going into junior high and there's just this whole excitement about. All of the fun, new changes and opportunities that a new school year brings and. It's almost like. For many of the midlife women that I talked to that routine, which is completely welcomed after the craziness of the summer, you know, it's that good, kind of crazy that happens in the summer. But. That, that routine, even though it's welcome. Can also feel a little. Boring. Um, soul sucking. No longer exciting. Like all they're doing is going through the motions. Like they're trapped in the same spot, doing the same things. A lot of this comes from the idea that. as high achieving women. We've made some assumptions about midlife. And a lot of those assumptions. Deal with. Delaying. Satisfaction. For putting in the work in the meantime. let's talk through a couple of examples of what I'm talking about there. So we assume. That we will finally feel successful after the next promotion or after we move into the big corner office with the floor to ceiling windows. Right. Or our name is on the building. We've we purchased. The company or we move the company out of our house and into a building. And our name is on the building. So we finally feel successful. Or we assume that we'll finally be able to focus on our marriage and get that spark back. The one that's been missing for so many years. Because we've been focused on raising small children. And so we'll finally feel like we've got that intimacy back in our relationship. Once the kids move out of the house. And then of course, there's the idea that. Because we've been so busy with work, whether that's in an office or as the CEO of our household, making sure that everyone gets. To everywhere that they need to be at all the times, because we've been so focused on everyone else. That. We've let our own health slip about a little bit, you know, we ha we haven't been. As focused on or as diligent about getting to the gym each day and eating nutritious food. And couple that with the fact that we're heading into, many of us are heading into menopause. And so. The way that our bodies function. It's just changing. As the estrogen levels in our body drop our ability to sleep. It's it's hampered. You know, we have maybe one too many glasses of wine at dinner, and we've got a headache that we can't shake for a couple of days. And then of course, there's that. Menopause belly. So we assume that in midlife, We can finally focus a little bit more on our health and, you know, once we, I don't know, lose those last 10 or 15 pounds. Then we assume that we can finally plan that beach vacation that we've been thinking about for so long. Which means. For many of us life up until this point has just been a series of checking all the boxes. On the success checklist. Do you know what I mean? Go to school check. Get a job check. By house, get married, have kids check, check, check. And. We find ourselves in midlife. At this point where we are. Just wildly successful by every societal measured. Because we've done all the things we were supposed to do. And. We get to. Midlife. And this is supposed to be our reward. Right because we've been taught. If you delay. Personal fulfillment. If you delay personal satisfaction. For the benefit of others around you. so that you can achieve. Big things at the office. So that you can raise up a family. If you put yourself on the back burner long enough. You will be rewarded in midlife. And that's where the rub comes in. For some of the women that I work with, they say things like. They have everything. They always thought they ever wanted. And it's not enough. But they can't put their finger on why that is. They just know that something is missing. You know, they say things like they have a great life and they are happy. But they just feel profoundly unfulfilled. They're they're in a funk. They, they feel a drift in their personal life. Again, they're not sure why that is. They just feel a little bit. Off. And I think it's not that they're not appreciative of their lives. It's not that. They don't understand all of the. Yeah, hashtag blessings that they have in their life. They just. Don't feel like they expected to feel at this point. And again, it has to do with that. Delayed gratification. That they have been so focused on doing the work. With the idea that they would be rewarded. Later on in life that they would be rewarded at midlife that they could finally do. You know, they could travel around the world. They could take a fly fishing. They could start a new hobby that they could finally devote some time to themselves once they reached midlife and they didn't have to keep proving themselves at the office or once they breached midlife and they could retire. Or once they reached midlife and they could focus on. Important relationships in their lives. And by doing all of those things. They expected to get to midlife. And feel. Different. They expected to feel that. Satisfaction and fulfillment that they just assumed came with. Doing all the things before and being. Successful by every societal measure. but unlike other problems in their life, when. They have become accustomed to say throwing more, more time or more money at the problem. They can't do that. With this internal feeling of angst. For four years, you know, if they weren't seeing results at work, they just spend more time at work. If their kid was struggling in school. either academically or to make friends. They, they just. Send him to her tutor or a counselor. Or maybe both because, you know, they, they could. Either. Throw more money or more time at the problem. Which leads to this disconnect. They finally made it to midlife. They're supposed to be able to enjoy the fruits of all of their labor. At this point. And they don't feel like They thought they would feel once they got here. So they start looking around at their life. Taking stock. Taking inventory. What do they have? Not only from a. Physical possession. Standpoint. But. Emotionally. What do they have in their life? And they start feeling like. I've worked my ass off. For this. Because again, we're taught. If we work really hard at home and really hard at work. That we're going to be rewarded with this beautiful life in midlife. And like I said earlier, you know, So many of us. Got busy checking all the boxes early on. School job, married house kids. Check check, check. Like we checked off everything we were supposed to do. But then we get to midlife. And it almost feels like we've been sold a bag of goods. Do you know what I mean? I mean, We we get here and. And we think isn't this the exact thing that I have worked for to get to midlife. And where's the big reward. When do I finally feel like I am. Comfortable in my own skin that I am highly successful, that I have made it that now I can focus on me. I'm here. I have all the things that I should want. I have a great life. Why then do I feel so unfulfilled? I think you'll find this, uh, As interesting as I did, according to a 2019 workplace study conducted by the center for retirement research at Boston college. More than 43% of women in the United States left their full-time careers in midlife. Um, I'm going to say that again, in case you missed it. 43% of women in the U S and this is a study conducted in 2019. 43% of women left their full-time careers in midlife. That's not jobs. That's not changing jobs and going from one employer to the next. It's careers. So a lot of time invested a lot of experience. Uh, maybe even some money. A good deal of money. invested. To get to the place that they are to have the career that they have. And yet. 43% of them. In 2019. Left their career in midlife the study was done in 2019. There is no question in my mind. That the numbers. Must be higher post pandemic and probably much, much higher. But I think we can Very comfortably say that that number has got to be over 50% at this point. So these are high achieving women. And 50% of them. Over likely over 50% of them. Get to midlife. And they leave their full-time careers. Why. Reasons given were stress. Burnout. Lack of flexibility. Limited advancement opportunities. It's really no surprise to me. I mean, stress and burnout. That that is all of the. Doing all the things for all the people around us. And because we. Have delayed What's important to us. We've put off that so that we can take care of everyone else. No wonder we have stress and burnout in our lives. Right. And if we have limited advancement opportunities at work, Then why do we want to stay there? If we. Don't feel terribly. Fulfilled. Where we are and we look around and realize that there really isn't anywhere to go from here. Of course. Women are going to leave. Of course, they're going to try something different. And they're not. It's not only our jobs that we're quitting at midlife. Rates of gray divorce and that's divorce over the age of 50. The rates of great divorce have doubled in the last 20 years. And of those divorces. Midlife women are initiating 66% of that. There there's a fascinating discussion about midlife affairs. Both the emotional and the physical kind as well as great of oars in a previous school of midlife episode. In fact, uh, one of the. Highest downloaded episodes that we've had so far. It's I think you'll find it's a particularly interesting. Discussion. If you're someone who might be feeling that, you know, your most intimate relationship. Isn't with your spouse anymore. Maybe it's with, uh, I call him Chad and accounting. Or, you know, you've lost the spark and you just don't know if you're going to get it back. You're facing retirement and wondering is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? It's a great episode. I will drop a clickable link in the show notes so that, um, You can go and take a listen to that episode. So we're quitting our jobs. Many of us are. Quitting the. One of the most important relationships in our lives. And. We're finding ourselves in midlife with a lot of questions, right. I mean. There are women who are reaching the pinnacle of their careers and midlife. And they're asking themselves, where do I go from here? And not, I mean, that's not surprising then that if they're asking, where do I go from here? And they're also then finding limited advancement opportunities or lack of flexibility. Well, it's really no wonder that they're quitting. Right. And there. Asking other questions like. I have the job and the house and the kids and the 401k. So now I'm wondering what is next for me. And other women are. Looking at their life. And they are realizing that the kids have graduated. They've just moved out. And they're feeling a little lost. And especially if they are. Stay at home moms. They're grappling with this idea. Do. Is it time for me to go back to work? Is it too late for me to go back to work. I've been out of the. Job market full time for many, many years. I have, has the job market passed me by what do I have to offer? What, you know, what could I possibly bring to a job after, after all of this time, raising my kids. And there are. Women who already are working. But they've decided that, you know, they're trying to figure out. Do I need to take on more projects at work so that I don't have to be home. At home with my husband. The, the man I don't really know anymore. I mean, we've spent 20 years or more. Keeping small humans alive and somewhere along the way. We've lost. What's good between us. So they find themselves asking, how do I move forward from here? And many of these women, they're literally at the point in their lives. Where they're asking themselves. Now what. Now what. Because there seems to be such an acute case of, I guess we'll call it stuck this right now. I pulled out one of my most popular trainings from my coaching sessions, with my one-on-one coaching clients. And I'm going to be presenting that training live this week. At the time, the episode drops. It's called Now WHAT? 5 Questions Every Midlife Woman Should Know How to Answer for Herself. I'm going to drop a clickable signup link in the show notes because there is still time to join us. And I really hope you do join us. It's a free webinar. it will. Give you. Some tools. Some framework. Around. These questions that you should know how to answer for yourself. And how once you have the answers to those questions, How that can inform how you move forward in midlife. You've made it this far. You're squarely within midlife. This is when you should be rewarded. Don't you owe it to yourself to figure out how you can make midlife your best life. Because. Just like, it has always been. No one else is going to do this for you. There is no one else in your life who feels as strongly as you do. About how you should. Be feeling now that you have reached midlife. That you should be personally fulfilled. That your days and your life should be filled with all sorts of life satisfaction. That those important relationships in your life should actually be bringing meaning and abundance and excitement and joy to your life. So I hope you will join me this week for. Now WHAT? 5 Questions Every Midlife Woman Should Know How to Answer for Herself. The webinar will really help you. Move beyond that. Stuckness. That. Routine that same old, same old going through the motions. It will help you. Get intentional about. Midlife. I hope to see you at the webinar this week. And I will see you right back here next week when the school of midlife is back in session until then. Take care. I have a question for you. When was the last time you spent a day focused completely on yourself. Away from the daily grind, the constant ding of text messages, the never ending question what's for dinner tonight. What about a weekend away. And before you start thinking that sounds a little too indulgent. Let me remind you that you can't take care of everyone else in your life. If you don't take care of yourself first. I am thrilled to personally invite you to join me at the best life reset retreat, October 12th, through the 15th. Four days and world famous sun valley, Idaho. With more than 10 hours of group coaching to figure out what you actually want in life. How you define success. And lay a groundwork for you to create a life that not only makes you happy, but also makes you feel personally fulfilled. There will be incredible group activities like happy hour paint and sips walks, hikes, a private yoga class. Your choice of spa appointments at an award-winning spa. Luxury accommodations, gourmet meals, premium drinks. And the best gift bag you have ever seen. I'm telling you this will be one of the best weekends of your life. To keep the retreat intimate. There are only 12 spots available and when they're gone, they're gone. So go right now, click the link in the show notes to grab your spot. See you in sun valley.