25. The Trouble with "Someday" Thinking: Why We Assume Our Best Life Is Still Ahead

In this episode of the School of Midlife podcast, we unpack the assumptions we often make about our own lives - that fulfillment, happiness, and living our best lives is something that will happen down the road.

In particular, the episode focuses on:

- How we assume we'll feel satisfied and accomplished once we get the next promotion, finish a big project, or our kids move out. But fulfillment comes from within, not external measures.

- Why we think we need to wait for the perfect time to focus on ourselves, set boundaries, and prioritize self-care. But there's no better time than right now.

- How we believe we have unlimited time to live the life we want later on. But none of us knows how much time we have left.

- Why we push off vacations, hobbies, and passions until after we lose those last 15 pounds or get in shape. But we deserve to enjoy life at every size and stage.

Stop waiting for your some distant "someday." Take steps to live your best life right now, while you have the chance.

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Transcript

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We even further delay the personal satisfaction and fulfillment. We put it off until next week or next month or next year. Or some day or when the time is right. Because we assume that we, we have all of the time in the world. And Jimmy buffet probably assumed he had plenty of time left to. I guess, though, the difference with Jimmy. Is even if he assumed that he had plenty of life still left to live. He didn't wait to create the life that he wanted. He figured out early on what his best life look like and he made it a reality. He knew that he wanted to be. A singer. And play sold out shows. But he balanced that with this. Tropical island paradise of a life that he created in the Florida keys. And went fishing and boating and hung out in the sun and drank boat, drinks and beers, and just really lived. Life the way he wanted. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm Laurie Reynoldson, former award-winning attorney turned high performance coach for midlife women. I designed this podcast is your go-to place for weekly midlife inspiration, where I'll be sharing, inspiring stories, providing step-by-step actionable coaching and introducing you to some incredible women who are absolutely crushing it at the midlife game. And you'd better believe we'll also be having candid conversations about mid-life relationships, career moves, money, menopause, and so much more. So take out your reading glasses and notebooks. My friends, because the School of Midlife is in session. Well, Hey there, welcome back to another episode of the school of mid-life podcast. At the time this episode drops, we have just wrapped up Labor Day weekend. So the unofficial end of summer, the, for most of us the last camping trip. The last big hurrah of the summer. Before school starts or, you know, we get back into the routine of things. And it's all, it's a little bittersweet. I mean, there's, there is something just magical that happens in the summertime, the relaxed nature, just the feeling of a little bit more freedom. And then Labor Day weekend hits. And although there is a little bit of, you can feel the change in the weather a little bit. It's this very odd, that calendar turn where all of a sudden, we go from the freeness of summer to the. You know, Straighten up and fly right of fall and heading into the end of the year. And it just all seems like it goes by in the blink of an eye. so many of us were surprised to hear of Jimmy Buffett's passing. This past weekend. I, I think it's fitting that it happened over labor day weekend, You know, I liked Jimmy Buffett's music. I wouldn't say I was a super fan. I wasn't somebody who dressed up but attended all of his concerts. And, but, but I certainly appreciated his vocal. I loved how he made everything an event. Right. His music and his concerts, they just evoked this sense of vacation and laid back. Goodness. And, um, So it was, it was sad to hear that, that he, he passed away over the weekend. But back to why I think it's fitting that happened over Labor Day weekend. I, in my opinion"Come Monday" is one of his very best songs. And you know it, if you've listened to it, it, it talks about being somewhere. That's pretty great. And happy for the life that you've created. But missing some other things that also make your life great. Right? It's this song about figuring out what's most important and living that life? I mean, on the one hand he was living his dream that he wanted to be the singer. So he was. Heading out to San Francisco for the Labor Day weekend show. And, and he understood that, you know, he had his hush puppies on, so he wasn't going to be this big rockstar or, you know, fit into that rock star lifestyle. Because on the one hand, he's living his dream to become a singer, but on the other hand, He's missing the woman he's missing his girlfriend, the woman who would later become his wife and, and the, the life that he had created in Florida. And just kind of that laid back nature. So. He wanted to be the singer. But he also was kind of. Thinking a little bit about whether the dream was worth it. I mean, he'd made some assumptions. About the life he thought he wanted to live. And then when he was in, it was trying to figure out if, if it was worth it, And it's this beautiful. Song about. Being in the right place, but also not being in the right place. Well, any time we hear about a celebrity. Dying. It. There's something. You know, we all think about. What memories does that evoke? Who was this person that none of us really actually know. Right. But I think this one hit a little hard for us because. Jimmy was the quintessential. Live life to the fullest kind of guy, right. He created this great life for himself. I mean, he spent his days in the sunshine on the water. Fishing drinking beers. He loved what he did for his work. And he created so much magic for the fans who would. Travel around the country to see him. It was almost like his concerts were, were like going on a vacation. You know, there were the parking lot pre parties and, and people would dress up and, and there was just this fantastical. Nature about him and this. Beautiful life that he created and then was generous enough to share with his fans. I remember the first time I saw him perform. He was actually at his bar in Key West. And he was just, I don't know if he was in the back or. He came from kind of the back room or maybe a back door. I'm not sure. But he, he sat in with on a 2 song sing along. With the house bar that was singing. And it was just this very relaxed and fun and very unassuming person that obviously, you know, big celebrity. But. He just seemed approachable. Right? And it was, it was like the. Something had struck him and it just felt like he might as well sit in with the band. But as soon as he sang the two songs, He just kind of got up and walked to the back again and it was. It was very. It was cool to be there. he wasn't the type of person that. Came in. Took over the set and then expected everyone to fawn over him. Right. I mean, that, wasn't the feeling I got from him. It was just the moment struck him and. It was very unassuming and relaxed and fun, and he just sat down and he played a couple songs. It's interesting how we assume that the good ones will they'll never leave us. Like they'll live forever. And thinking about assumptions and Florida. Listen to this. Six weeks after nine 11, I was traveling to West Palm Beach, Florida for a legal conference. And because I live in Boise, there is no direct route from Boise to the other side of the country. So we had to make several stops along the way. And. We had left Boise late, which meant. We were running to make our connection in Salt Lake City. Think the family in"Home Alone", running through the airport before they remembered that they left Kevin at home. But if you can remember that scene there they're dodging people. Their coats are flying behind them like capes. I mean, they're just, they're frantically running to. Make their plain, because they'd got to the airport so late. And that is a lot, like what it looked like for me and my two colleagues who were running through the Salt Lake. Airport. To make our connection. Except instead of the family from"Home Alone". Think three attorneys on their way to a legal conference and. Unless you were an attorney in the early two thousands, you probably don't have a clear picture of. Early two thousands attorney fashion. So let me, let me just. Shed a little light for you. I was wearing a Navy pants suit, a crisp white blouse. I had a scarf tied around my neck and a lot of times. You know, it would either have been yellow or, or red. And I always like to nod it over on the right side of my neck. I likely had sensible Navy heals on also what, what is a sensible Navy heel? That sounds like something that a man in an advertising firm would that they would come up with that term. Right. Because I mean, Any woman knows that. Really, there are no sensible heals, but anyway, So I've got my Navy pantsuit on, I've got my white blouse. I've got my scarf tied around my neck, my sensible Navy heels. I'm carrying the black leather messenger bag over my shoulder. And I'm running through the airport with my two colleagues pulling my roller bag behind me. And they looked a lot, like I looked so all three of us. Running through the airport. Last three on the plane. We were lucky enough that they actually held the plane for us. So we're the last three on the plane. And I checked my ticket and I had an aisle seat about six rows from the back of the plane. So I stole my luggage. I buckle the seatbelt. And we take off. And. I will say I am. I'm better than I used to be, but I have always been a little fearful when it comes to flying. Especially on the takeoff. I mean, if that plane doesn't make it to the cruising altitude, there is only one place for that plane to go. Right. And it's going to. Com. Crashing down to the ground at a high rate of speed. And that is not what I want to do. So maybe it's not that I'm fearful of flying it's that I'm fearful of crashing, but that's, we'll call that semantics. Anyway. So because I've got this fear of flying. I have always given my brain something to concentrate on during takeoff. I'm like a toddler. You have to give me something to do on an airplane for me to think about. So that I can. I distract myself from what I'm actually doing. So most of the time that would entail flipping through the latest InStyle magazine. barely looking at the photos, certainly not reading the articles. But like pointing at a picture and saying, Purple. Handbag. Red scarf. Greene. Shoes. I mean, very basic, like, like a toddler. And just to give myself something to think about other than the fact that we are taking off. And then the other thing I would do on particularly bumpy days like this, this one was a particularly. Bumpy. Take off. I would slowly count to a hundred. And my goal was always to finish counting when the captain turned off the seatbelt sign. So I, gosh, I remember this so vividly, we're taking off out of Salt Lake. I'm, you know, I've got my InStyle magazine out. I'm pointing at the pictures and I'm counting. 33. 34. 35. Boom. And, um, Well, hell. What was that? And I'm looking around, I'm looking up the aisle in front of me. No one else seems to be looking around. I can feel that we are still climbing. I can see that there's dark clouds out the window. And buy some. I have no idea how I remember this, but. All of a sudden I remembered my high school physics class. About what happens to an airplane when it's struck by lightning? And what w what happens in and apologies to the scientists out there, but the skin of the aircraft is made of a material. So that when the plane is hit by lightning, that electrical current. We'll travel. The body of the plane travel across the skin. And exit off the tail. And it's the exiting off the tail that creates the loud noise. So remember I'm six rows from the back. No wonder I was the only one that heard it. Right. I mean, people up in the front, they didn't hear it. So I think to myself. Okay, we're fine. We're still climbing. I go back to my magazine. I keep counting. 36. 37. 38. Tap tap, tap, tap, tap on my shoulder. And I turned around and it's the flight attendant from the back of the plane. And she's crouched down in the aisle. And just. I mean. Just a couple of inches away from my face. And she leans in and whispers. What's that lightning. Or was that. Up Bomb Hmm. Well, um, I think it was lightning, but why are you asking me? And she says, well, you work for the airlines. Don't you. Nope. Nope. Nope. I, no, I don't. I mean, she had assumed based on what I was wearing. That I worked for the airline and, and looking back, I get it. I had made a terrible fashion choice. I mean. I had my Navy blue plan suit on, I had a white blouse. I had my sensible Navy heels. I was wearing a scarf tied around my neck. looking back, I looked a lot, like I was part of the flight crew, not to mention they had held the plane. For me and my two colleagues and we all looked the same. So on the one hand, I might've made a bad fashion choice for the day, but she had also made kind of a bad assumption. Right. I mean, imagine if God forbid something had happened to the plane and here she is. Assuming that I would help evacuate the passengers just because of what I was wearing. I mean, If the plane's going down and we land. I am throwing that magazine to the side. I am unbuckling my seatbelt and I am the first one off. I am not waiting to see what else has happened. But, I mean, imagine if. Based on the assumption that she had made just. Um, by what I was wearing. Imagine if. Something badly would have happened. I mean, she would have been assuming. Anyway, thank God that that didn't happen. But it gets me thinking about how often do we do that? Right. We see another woman and we make assumptions about, I don't know, her life based on what she's wearing or how she carries herself. one look at her and we immediately assume she's either got it all together. Or her life is a complete mess. Um, we, we, you know, we take one, look at her and we assume that her kids are straight a students, or they are troublemakers who are just barely squeaking by. It's it's really a little ridiculous if you think about it, because we don't know anything about her. Yet, we start making assumptions about who she is and how she lives and what her life is like. Um, there are some times where. People will make up an entire storylines about people, like they see on vacation at a pool. Um, admittedly, I have done this where, you see a couple and they are, maybe they're not getting along. And all of a sudden, you know, oh, they're on their honeymoon and they're not getting along. And you start making this entire storyline. And all of these assumptions about who they are, what their married life is like, what does she do for work? What brings them to on this vacation? You know, we, we do this all the time. And really it's not only other people's lives that we make assumptions about. And that's, that's really, what I want to talk about today is. How often do we make assumptions in our own lives? if we are making assumptions about our own lives, we live with this idea. That we're not something right now. But we assume that we will be that. Someday. And in my opinion, The assumptions that we make about ourselves and our lives. Can be the most harmful. Why is that? Well, because. We assume. That will finally feel something or do something or have something at some point in the future. For, for whatever reason, we don't feel it now, whether that's loved. Or worthy or smart or successful. You you name it? But for some reason, We don't think we have it now, or we don't feel it now. But we assume that we will. Some other time. And what's, what's even most fascinating to me about it. Is. We don't seem to think that we need to change the way that we're living. To have something different or be something different or feel something different. We just assume that through the passage of time that we'll actually get there. But. Instead of. Finding happiness or fulfillment in what we have now. We tend to focus on what we don't have. Which leads us. Assuming. That will get it or habit, or be it someday. Like we make assumptions about. How we'll feel after we have accomplished or met the next big thing that, you know, we assume we'll feel like we finally made it after the next promotion or after the building has. Our name on it or after our business card says partner or owner or CEO. And we'll finally feel like we have made it. At that point. Or we assume that we'll finally be able to focus on our marriage. And get the spark back when the kids move out, because we've been so focused on keeping those. Small humans alive that we have forgotten. To spend some time. Dating each other and putting each other ahead of the kids. And the kids are going to go at some point. But we just assume that we'll automatically be able to fall back in line with. Our marriage and how we feel about our partner and this. Relationship will automatically be different. After the kids move out. Or. We assume that we will finally plan that beach vacation to swim in the blue grotto. On the Amalfi coast. After we lose the last 15 pounds. And we're going to focus on losing the last 15 pounds. After. The kids move out or the big project at work is completed or, we can start. Filling some extra time in our schedule with going to the gym or preparing nutritious meals or somehow making a change that will help us lose those last 15 pounds, because we don't want to book the vacation now because we don't like the way we look in a swimsuit, but we assume that at some point in the future, those 15 pounds will be gone. And then we can finally plan that beach vacation. Just like, we assume that, you know, we can take time for ourselves. After the work project is completed or the kids graduate, or the husband retires because they're all counting on us. we have this, this need to feel important. This need to feel needed. This need to feel wanted. That keeps us delaying the life we want to live, because it feels a little self-indulgent to us to focus on ourselves. Right. Especially when there are so many people around us who need us. So that could be, you know, the aging parents who need help with. Doctor's appointments or kids needing someone to do their laundry or making sure that the oil is changed in their car. The. The husband needs a date for a charitable gala. You know, he's up for a big promotion at work, or he's finally made partner. Or he's he just purchased a new company. So he needs you to keep conversation with the clients that are at the event or entertain the spouses who are sitting at your table. And, you know, I mean your parents and your kids and your husband that doesn't even, that's beyond all the people who are relying on you. At your own work. So it feels. Self-indulgent. For us to focus on ourselves because we feel like there's so many people around us who need us. We also feel a little selfish when we think about pursuing our own best life first. Right. And that is particularly true. If. In order for us to live our best life. We have to set and keep some healthy boundaries because while the boundaries might be good for us. Others might not like them so much, especially if they are people in our lives who have benefited. From us not having healthy boundaries up to that point. What, what do I mean by that? The, the people in your life who just expect you to drop everything. When they need you. Or expect you to be there for them at all costs regardless of how they treat you. You know, our relationship is a two way street. But if you haven't historically set healthy boundaries and maintain them. And someone is used to. Saying whatever they want to say to you treating you however they want to treat you. And all of a sudden you tell them that that's not okay anymore. There's going to be a little friction, a little resistance there. They're not going to like it. Right. So. We feel selfish. When we are. Setting and keeping healthy boundaries because we're people pleasers. We don't like to tell people. No, but. The boundaries are for us. They they're not. For the other people, they are to protect us There to help us protect our own. Mental and physical wellbeing. And, you know, Even beyond boundaries. Sometimes it feels selfish for us to pursue our own life. Especially when someone will need to fend for themselves. Women in particular whether they're going to, let's say a wellness retreat on their own or with a couple of friends or, or just a vacation with their friends, or sometimes even a work. Trip. I know women who will. Pre cook meals. And leave them at home with detailed reheating instructions or if they don't have time to do that. They will leave a calendar and money for takeout. If you do that. Great. I'm glad that that works for you. But in many cases, Women are pre cooking meals and leaving money for takeout. For their husbands. I mean, these, her grown men who, for some reason, I I can't figure out how to feed themselves. If their wife. Is out of town. I guarantee you. I don't know this for a fact, but I am pretty sure. That then we'll figure out a way to feed themselves if they get hungry enough. So I think that that's great that you want to take the time to. Pre cook the meals and, and make sure that they are going to be fed while you are away. But They'll figure out how to fend for themselves. I mean, They, they absolutely will. They will not go hungry. I promise you that. one of my personal favorites. As it relates to husband and wives. And a wife going out either for a girls' night or. Playing in a tennis league or even going away. Is this idea that I need to see if he can watch the kids. Okay. I don't have kids. I get that. Um, But it's called parenting. Yeah. I mean, you don't ever. You never hear of a man say to his buddies. Oh, I'd love to play golf this week. I have to see. If she can watch the kids. Right. It's just assumed that she will watch the kids. She's their mother. She will. Parent her own children. Same with the guys, right. You don't need to see if he can watch the kids. Yeah. Maybe you need to, to talk about scheduling and, uh, if you generally pick up somebody from. Lacrosse practice then maybe he needs to pick up somebody from lacrosse practice. So yeah, there might be some logistics that you need to work out, but it's called parenting. They're his kids. He can spend. Time with him. He should spend time with them. Anyway. It, but it's this idea that. If it feels. Either self-indulgent or selfish to. Pursue the life that we want to live right now. We wait. Because we assume. That there will be a more convenient time or right time. Uh, the best time. That someday. Well, we'll magically have all of the time and energy and, and money and health to finally create that best life. you can assume. All you want that there will come a time when you just know that it's your time, but here's the truth. It will never happen if you don't make it happen. I mean, think about it. In midlife, you assumed you'd feel differently than you do now, right? I mean. Most of the women that I work with and that I coach. They. They have great lives. You know, they. They'll be the first to tell you that they've got a pretty great life that they have been successful by every societal measure. But. They still feel like there's something missing, They can't quite put their finger on it. They just expected to feel a little differently. Like, where is the fulfillment that they expected to feel, or where is the life satisfaction that they expected to feel? And they don't know. Because all they do know is up to this point. They've done all the things that they were supposed to do. They've checked all of the boxes on the success. Checklists. Go to school. Check, get a job, check, buy a house, get married, have kids check, check, check. And in doing all of the. Checking on the success checklist. They assumed that once they got to midlife. That they would feel differently than they do. And. I understand why they assumed that because there is this pervasive message that if you work hard, if you take care of those around you, then you will be rewarded with the life you want to live. In midlife. So then when we get here and we don't feel like we assumed we feel. For most of us, we do what we've always done, which is. Double down and work harder and throw more energy or time or money at the problem. And we create another checklist and add more to the to-do list and busy up our schedules. Which means. We even further delay the personal satisfaction and fulfillment. We put it off until next week or next month or next year. Or some day or when the time is right. Because we assume that we, we have all of the time in the world. And Jimmy buffet probably assumed he had plenty of time left to. I guess, though the difference with Jimmy. Is even if he assumed that he had plenty of life still left to live. He didn't wait to create the life that he wanted. He figured out early on what his best life look like and he made it a reality. He knew that he wanted to be. A singer. And play sold out shows. But he balanced that with this. Tropical island paradise of a life that he created in the Florida keys. And went fishing and boating and hung out in the sun and drank boat, drinks and beers, and just really lived. Life the way he wanted. And if there's one thing. I know for sure is that none of us are getting out of here alive. I mean it's it's that old saying right the only thing that's certain death and taxes So if we know we're going to die And none of us know when our ticket will be punched Why don't we wait Why do we assume that we will finally get to live our best life Someday don't we owe it to ourselves to Do that Start start that right now I mean Decide Really really think about Who are you when you're living your best life What does she do Where does she live How does she spend her days? Who does she surround herself with Visualize it. Feel it Lean into it And then instead of just assuming that it will happen for you one day Get very intentional about bringing that to life Because we get we. we. have One shot at this life And none of us knows how much time we have left So it's time to start living it In your way On your terms As your best life But it's time to start living it today Stop assuming that there will be a right time or a best time or a more convenient time or the perfect time Just You get one shot at life Let's start living it today If i can be of help to you at all And figuring out What your best life looks like How you can start creating that today Let me know that's that's exactly the kind of thing that i I work with my coaching clients with every single day You can you can make a beautiful life You just have to stop assuming that It'll be better at some point It'll be better when you make it better thank you so much for joining me today on the school of midlife podcast i will see you next week. When the school of midlife is back in session until then Make it a great week take good care I have a question for you. When was the last time you spent a day focused completely on yourself. Away from the daily grind, the constant ding of text messages, the never ending question what's for dinner tonight. What about a weekend away. And before you start thinking that sounds a little too indulgent. Let me remind you that you can't take care of everyone else in your life. If you don't take care of yourself first. I am thrilled to personally invite you to join me at the best life reset retreat, October 12th, through the 15th. Four days and world famous sun valley, Idaho. With more than 10 hours of group coaching to figure out what you actually want in life. How you define success. And lay a groundwork for you to create a life that not only makes you happy, but also makes you feel personally fulfilled. There will be incredible group activities like happy hour paint and sips walks, hikes, a private yoga class. Your choice of spa appointments at an award-winning spa. Luxury accommodations, gourmet meals, premium drinks. And the best gift bag you have ever seen. I'm telling you this will be one of the best weekends of your life. To keep the retreat intimate. There are only 12 spots available and when they're gone, they're gone. So go right now, click the link in the show notes to grab your spot. See you in sun valley.