26. When Roles Reverse: Caring for Aging Parents with Compassion

In this week's episode, Laurie dives into the difficult but necessary conversations around caring for aging or ailing parents. As their health declines, these talks become unavoidable - but that doesn't make them easy. 

We discuss how to:

- Start conversations about care with compassion, and without waiting for a health crisis or emergency. Lead with empathy and understand their wishes.

- Get all decision-makers aligned, by including key people like siblings, doctors, lawyers.

- Revisit talks frequently as health or views change, and be prepared to have multiple conversations over time.

- Make legal and medical plans, like powers of attorney and advance directives. 

- Handle tough topics like driving privileges and end-of-life care.

- Find support as both child and caregiver. This role reversal is emotionally complex. 

Though painful at times, these conversations ensure your parents feel heard and empowered. You'll all feel more at peace knowing their wishes are honored.

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Transcript

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I'm definitely not an expert on the subject, but unfortunately, I have a little more experienced than most, and I'm going to say it sucks. To watch your parents getting older, to watch them get sicker, to lose their memory, to die. But just like I talk about on a lot of other episodes. On this podcast. None of us is getting out of here alive and, and our parents aren't either. And we owe it to them. And ourselves to be as prepared as possible. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm Laurie Reynoldson, former award-winning attorney turned high performance coach for midlife women. I designed this podcast is your go-to place for weekly midlife inspiration, where I'll be sharing, inspiring stories, providing step-by-step actionable coaching and introducing you to some incredible women who are absolutely crushing it at the midlife game. And you'd better believe we'll also be having candid conversations about mid-life relationships, career moves, money, menopause, and so much more. So take out your reading glasses and notebooks. My friends, because the School of Midlife is in session. Hey there. Welcome back to the school of midlife podcast. here's the deal. Every time. I think I I've got an, I've got a schedule set out for what the podcast episodes are going to be about. Um, I've got them planned out for a couple of months. And lately every time I get ready to record a podcast. I realized that something is going on in my life, that it just makes more sense to talk to you about. So today we are going to talk about. Ailing parents and. In particular, how midlife women are sandwiched between raising our own children and caring for our ailing and aging parents. And I know we talk a lot in our society about the struggles with raising children, you know, Most women will say it's totally worth it, but raising kids is hard. It takes a toll and. You know, I don't have kids, so I can't exactly comment on that. But I can absolutely confirm to you that dealing with aging and ailing parents is emotionally. Draining. It can be financially draining, too. Um, But this is, this is front of mind because Mike's mom has fallen twice in the past week. The first time. She fell backwards into a China cabinet, broke some glass, um, on the, the panels of the China cabinet. Sliced her head open. Really no big deal. No concussion. She was fine. Until she fell backwards again, two days later, she, she was carrying some grocery bags. Into the house. lost her balance on one of the stairs going into the house. Fell backwards and shattered her shoulder. She's 90 years old. So in the past week, she's fallen backwards twice. She's lost her balance falling. She's 90 years old. She's going to the doctor tomorrow. We. We'll find out then if she needs to have surgery or if they are going to be able to put her back together without surgery. I mean, I know I've said it twice now, but she's nine years old. So the prospect of her having surgery. I just. It all. Regardless of how this turns out. Life as his parents know, it will never be the same. His, his parents are very old school. His mom cooks and cleans and grocery shops. And does the laundry. And his dad. Now. Pretty much just sits in the armchair in the living room and runs the remote until it's time to eat a meal that has been prepared by his mom. His dad doesn't know how to cook. He doesn't know how to do a load of laundry. He doesn't know how to load a dishwasher. I mean, if you, if you compare that to modern day, Husbands or spouses. most women would not allow that division of labor too. B. So in equitably divided, but his parents have been married for 63 years. So they developed these roles a very long time ago. So we've got his mom with a shattered right shoulder. She's right-handed she does everything with her right arm. And her right hand. She's she is incapacitated at this point. beyond the skills gap, you know, his dad doesn't know how to do anything domestic. But his dad is also experiencing some significant cognitive decline. We, we don't have a diagnosis of dementia or at least that we know about if, if his doctor has told him that. Then it has not been relayed to the kids. But it's very obvious. He has this inability to finish sentences. He loses his train of thought. He's got pretty good recall of events that happen. 50 years ago. But cannot seem to remember when he last took his own medicine. So when we think about that, you know, we've got his mom with a shattered shoulder and she's incapacitated. She's the one who has kept everything afloat at their house. She's she's the rock, keeping it all together. and she's been doing it for 63 years. What are they going to do now that she can't cook the meals or clean the house or do the laundry, which. Which is downstairs i might add she, she can't provide for herself. Let alone her husband. So these are, and these are definitely the things that we've been grappling with. With Mike's brother and his wife. This past week. Um, shout out to, Steve and Kelly, because they dropped everything flew in from Denver and have been staying with Mike's parents um, while we have been out of town. At a work event for Mike, but. There are no easy answers to what we're dealing with here. Um, I will say. Mike, and I have kind of been here before. eight years ago, my dad retired at 66. He moved from Arizona to Boise and lived with us for. About five months while his home was under construction. And. my dad had Parkinson's disease and he was diagnosed in his early forties. And because of the Parkinson's disease, I knew that he had bilateral tremors in his hands. And he stooped, you know, his shoulders stooped forward. And he shuffled when he walk and he had that, he experienced that kind of frozen face where your face doesn't necessarily show many emotions. All textbook. Parkinson's disease symptoms. Which I didn't really know about exactly until he moved in with us. And I, I, you know, I was trying to figure out. Why is his posture so bad? Why, why is he tripping a little when he, when he walks, why isn't he picking up his feet? Y when we take pictures of him. Does it not look like he's ever smiling or sad or like his face just has one emotion. And again, it's they were all textbook symptoms of his disease. So once he moved in with us and I had done some research on Parkinson's. I took over the management of his doctor's appointment and his care. But I mean, Half a bazillion medications a day. He, you know, he was always losing things. He. Could never find his keys. Just things were off and. The other thing I didn't know, until he moved in with us was if a patient has Parkinson's disease long enough, it will almost certainly develop into some sort of Parkinson's dementia. So. I'm accustomed to my dad who had the brain of an engineer. He wasn't an engineer, but he could look at anything and figure out a way to build it. I remember being in Costco. In Arizona with him where they had an outdoor shower. And he thought that that was a great addition to his pool, but he, he stood there and he looked at it for awhile. And, and, and this was many years ago, but he looked at it for, I don't know, probably 30 minutes. Like to the idea of it hated the construction of it at Costco. So on the way home we stopped at Lowe's and bought all of the materials for him to go home. And build an outdoor shower. Just in the matter of a couple of days. that's how his brain worked. He would see something and could figure out how to make it a reality or make it even better than it was before. But The dementia. Took away his ability to. Make a plan. And even if he was lucky enough to have a plan. With the Parkinson's dementia. He couldn't execute on it. So that looked like. He, he knew he was going to retire on his 66th birthday. He knew he was moving back from Arizona to Boise. He put his house on the market. And, you know, I'm in Boise and I'm hearing for the four months before he's due to move in July. That all he does in his free time is pack up his house to move. And because I am so accustomed to. The dad who goes to Costco, looks at a shower, figures out how to. To build it and then just goes and build it because that was the dad. I knew when he told me he was spending four months packing up the house. I didn't question it because I didn't need to. But his brothers, his older brother and his younger brother were going to road trip with him from Arizona back to Boise. And they arrived in Phoenix about, I don't know, two days before he was supposed to close on the house, because really all they're doing is. The boxes were all going to be loaded into pods. The pods we're going to be put on a semi and driven to Boise, put into storage until dad was ready to impact them. So all the brothers needed to do. We're drive the two cars to Boise and they thought it might be kind of fun to road trip back to Boise. So they show up to his house just a couple of days. Before they are supposed to leave for this road trip. And dad had packed. Eight boxes. He'd spent four months packing up his house, a 3000 square foot home. And in four months he had only packed eight boxes. So you do the math 3000 square foot home a boxes, obviously not near enough, right? So to add a little insult to the injury here or salt in the wound or whatever you want to call it. He had a cash buyer for us house. So he closed. The sale on a Friday. And he and his brothers were still packing the house up six days later. So the buyer had paid cash for the house. And six days later. They still didn't have access to the house because. My dad couldn't make a plan. I mean, there was a lot of hand wringing and worrying about it, but just absolutely no ability for him to execute. obviously. I wasn't with him in Arizona while he was trying to get the house packed up and move. But it was very obvious in those five months when he lived with us. That his cognitive decline was profound. I remember. Not long, probably a week after he moved. To Boise. I remember taking him to. A Parkinson's class at the YMCA, it was called the lay of the disease. It's a fantastic program. I don't know if they still are running it, but. Dad, dad didn't really want to go. I think. It was probably a lot like taking your child to the first day of school, you know, there's there the first day jitters and they don't know what to expect and. Well, the other kids like me, will I fit in and, and I think for dad, it was probably a lot like that. I'm sure it was equally nerve-wracking because. He's in a brand new city. He doesn't know anyone. He had convinced himself before going that the class would be full of a bunch of old sick people that he wouldn't be able to fit in. So a lot of those kind of first day jitters, right? And beyond the. Will I will. I fit in, but. Probably also wondering, has my disease progressed farther than theirs. Will I be able to do the exercises? Can I keep up? After that first day, it was like he had found his people, you know, his community and it, it was fantastic to be able to give him that resource. Uh, to help him ease from retirement into his new normal life, especially with a group of patients who were experiencing a lot of the same things. He was. And after living with us for five months, he closed on his house on December 13th. He started moving in on December 16th. And 10 days later, he had a heart attack and died on December 26th. So when I say Mike and I have gone through this before. The difference between. What we're going through with his parents right now. And what I experienced with my diet is. When dad retired. He lived for five months and then had a heart attack. And with a heart attack and you die. There are there's no warning, right? There are no goodbyes. There was no discussion about his, his final wishes. And there was no will. Which begs the question. Why is it so hard for us to have these kinds of conversations with our parents? I mean. I know we all want to do right by the people who raised us. Some of us have tricky relationships with our parents, which makes it even trickier to think about what happens when mom or dad gets sick or dies. Some of us have experienced the move from the daughter role to the caregiver role. And maybe we don't like it. I mean, Anytime that happens. The change in the relationship dynamics that accompanies that role reversal. It's tough. Especially when the parent has been. The provider, right. Or, or the parent is a little stubborn and doesn't want to ask for help. I know that I am not alone. When. I say that it is profoundly evident this role reversal in father, daughter relationships, because you know, you go from. Being a daddy's girl, too. All of a sudden, you're your father's caregiver. And. You know, your dad who wants check the oil in your car. Now you're having to have conversations where you have to take your dad's keys away. And. You've got this tough. Role model Sage advice giver. Who then becomes the person. That you have to. Constantly remind to take his meds or go to doctor's appointments with him, or, or even make the doctor's appointments with him. Because you can't trust him to accurately remember what the doctor said or, or even that he needs to make the appointment in the first place. I'm definitely not an expert on the subject, but unfortunately, I have a little more experienced than most, and I'm going to say it sucks. To watch your parents getting older, to watch them get sicker, to lose their memory, to die. But just like I talk about on a lot of other episodes. On this podcast. None of us is getting out of here alive and, and our parents aren't either. And we owe it to them. And ourselves to be as prepared as possible. So I'm going to give you a couple of tips for having the tough conversations, how to bring up the conversations. And then also give you a list of documents that I think you should have in order to make this transition, whether your parents are just aging or ailing. Or, or have died. These are some things that if you have them in place, it's going to be a lot easier. On you. Again, Never easy conversations to have, but I think if you. Have them early enough and often enough. And, you know, don't really make a big deal out of them. That everyone is going to feel better about the transitions that. You're experiencing. So. Let's start with the tips for having the tough conversations. Number one. Start early. I just like, I would assume. Um, that you want to start talking to your kids about sex or drugs earlier than you think you should. Start having these conversations with your parents. way before you think you need to, because the reality is that when your parents are in the throes of dementia or they've been in an accident, or like my dad unexpectedly pass away at 66, It's too late to have those conversations. And. the more that you can normalize talking about the hard things. The easier it's going to be to have those conversations. when I say hard things, I'm talking about. Having. Very direct conversations with their parents about what happens if you get sick and a caregiver is needed. Do you want to stay in your home? which means we would have to bring someone in to be here to, you know, potentially help you bathe. Uh, maybe. Prepare food for you, clean your house, do your laundry. Uh, maybe drive you to your appointments. Do you, do you want to be able to stay in your home? Which costs a lot of money to have somebody come in and sometimes insurance pays for it, but not always. But. If a caregiver is needed, do you want to stay in your home or do you want to go to a group home or a convalescent center? And I know that there's a lot of stigma as it relates to this concept of, group home or convalescent center. Because historically it has been this place where Older people go. And they lie in their beds in there, your urine soaked beds, and they don't get out of the bed much. And it's just like this very sad, sorry, existence. I will say that. More and more. These homes are they're totally different now, right? There are so many vibrant 55 and over communities. Which also have step down units so that if your parent needs some help with memory care, They can do that all there. Right? So your parents can still stay together and, and oftentimes they have little. Individual homes. They have apartments. It's it's this great. Community. And they do all sorts of great things. Like, you know, wine let's go wine tasting, or they play let's get together and play bridge or other card games, or they have dances, they'll play pickle ball and They really encourage this active lifestyle. And the other thing I love about these communities is. While. All of the residents have the opportunity to cook in there, their own kitchens. And clean their own apartments or houses. They can also lean on the community, which is, you know what, I don't feel like cooking today. So I'm just going to go have food. In the cafeteria or at the restaurant on campus or whatever it is, but they get to decide whether do I want to cook or do I want to have some one cook for me? Similarly, do, do I want to clean the house or do I want to pay for somebody to come in and do that? And so, you know, Trying to get to the core of, is it important for them to stay in their home or would they want to go somewhere else? That's that's one thing that I think you need to talk about. You also need to start early. Discussing their final wishes. Do they. Want to be buried. Do they want to be cremated? Do they want a funeral? Did they want to have a big party instead? Um, but even before final wishes, What are the final wishes before the final wishes? If they are. Incapacitated. Do they want extra life saving Measures too. Help them. Breathe and eat. Do they want measures that will. Keep their heart pumping. If they're Injured in such a way that they're the heart isn't working for them. What, you know, how do they want those final moments or. At the end. What happens? How, how do they want to. Live those final. Moments hours, weeks, months with dignity. Those are things that, that need to be discussed. And then there are also things that we experienced. Like where are all the safe deposit boxes located? Yeah. You gave me this, this. Box of keys. But I don't know where anything is. Um, so where are the safe deposit boxes located, you know, that's, that's not something that. A lot of our generation pays money for, but our parents. Believe in safe deposit boxes. So where are they? Where have they stashed the money in the house because they all have. So, you know, when you are going through a. Freezer full of old expired. TV dinners or something. Make sure that, one of those boxes isn't full of cash because from what I've, I'm finding. The freezer. Under the bed. Um, random boxes in the pantry. that's where they like to store the cash. So figure out where that is. Just have the conversation, but start earlier than you think you need to start. Number two. Approach the conversations with compassion. I think it's important to remember that your not trying to Rob them of their decision-making power. You're not trying to override them or tell them what to do. But you want to be supportive of them. You want to support them. You want to honor their wishes. You want to. Have this conversation. Uh, as, as peers, you know, there, there's a lot of discussion about role reversal and then getting to a point where you're parenting your parents. But instead of thinking about it that way, think about it more as a trusted, confident, a trusted support. Person for them who wants to do. Exactly what it is they want to do, but you have to have the conversation to know what they want to do because more often than not, they are not going to. Start the conversation.'cause they, they don't want to make it uncomfortable for you. Right. They don't want to talk about death. They don't want to talk about what happens when they can't take care of themselves because. They respect themselves as well. And they want to, they want you to continue to see them as the parents and the relationship. So. approach, all of the conversations with compassion, underscore that you have their best wishes. In the, you're taking that to heart, that all you want to do. Is what they want. Number three. Have the conversations often. Get to the point where it's no big deal to talk about these big deal things. it's not a big deal. this is just something we talk about when we get together, because you just want to be ready, you know, it's, it's just like you want to support them and honor their wishes. You want to be ready? When something happens and you have to put those plans into action I Think about it like going on a trip You wouldn't wait until the day that you were leaving too Choose a destination and book a flight and rent a car and make a hotel reservation right You would take care of all of those details beforehand Just like these decisions that For your parents you know you want to be prepared You don't expect that you'll need this information for many many many years But you want to be prepared for When The decisions need to be made And i find that sometimes it's helpful to share with your parents your own decisions Um when mike dies he wants his ashes he wants to be cremated and he wants his ashes to be scattered In Sun Valley, Idaho and Wrigley Field because he's a huge cubs fan So you know we talk about things with his parents just like that where we. we have decisions that we have made. And we're open about those decisions With his parents which in turn helps them be more open and talk about things that are on their minds Another reason to have these conversations often is parents change their minds. They in fact, they do it often, depending on what's going on in the different relationships around them. Sometimes they make decisions about end of life. Early early, early on. And as they age. Maybe they don't want to move somewhere else. Maybe they, they want to be. Closer to their family, but they, they can change their minds and they do it often. So make sure you're having those conversations often. Number four. Be sure that you're including key people in the conversations. So depending on what your family looks like, that could be your siblings or other family members. It can also look like including lawyers and financial planners and accountants, particularly in any conversations that deal with financial issues. And doctors therapists, counselors. In conversations that, that relate to medical issues. When you include those key people in the conversations, then everyone stays in the loop. And everyone is acting with the best interests of your parents in mind. So, beyond the, the tips for making these, you know, tips for having the tough conversations. there are some documents that in my experience, if you have them in order, It will make things go much, much. More smoothly. And a lot of people think that they'll deal with the documentation once their parent dies. Right. They they've given, given all of the advances in medicine or parents are living a lot longer. So sometimes we have to make decisions about. What's going to happen for the next 5, 10, 20 years of their life, where they can't make decisions for themselves. Because given advances in medicine, our parents are living a lot longer, right. We're keeping them alive at all costs. Even when their cognitive functioning is impaired or they can no longer make decisions for themselves. So. If, if it's not, if these documents aren't in place or set up while they're able to voice their own opinion. There's a lot of red tape. Involved in, in getting the pieces put together so that you can get these documents in place. After they can't voice their own opinion. Like you need a doctor's determination. The court has to get involved. Trust me, it will go a lot smoother. If you have these documents in order before you need them. Here's the other thing is that without these documents in place, If you're a parent. We're to die without any of these documents in place, then you have to wait until the death certificate is issued. To access certain accounts to make certain decisions. That's, that's exactly what happened to me when my dad died, because we didn't have these documents in place. So. I had to wait until the death certificate. Before I could. Do almost anything. My hands were really tied. And death certificates, they can take a lot longer to get than, than you think. It can, it can be two to four to 10 weeks, depending on the jurisdiction. Also order more certified copies of the death certificate than you think you'll need. Because you'll need them. I was surprised at how many. Banks or lenders or other entities requested a certified copy of the death certificate. So order more of those and you think you'll need. And. And look, I'm not saying that you should immediately start liquidating assets upon your parents' death. You still need to take the time that you need to grieve and to adjust to life without your parent. But while you're doing that, you also need to be able to pay the bills and deposit their social security check and access accounts and make decisions relating to the estate. So. If you don't. I have these other documents in place and you have to wait for the dust certificate. You, you could be waiting longer than is necessary or advisable. Okay, here are the documents that I would get in place. As soon as you can. Number one is a power of attorney. Power of attorney is a legal document that lets someone else legally act on a person's behalf. So most of the time, a power of attorney allows the person holding the document to buy and sell real estate on behalf of. The other person, I mean, and it doesn't even have to be end of life kind of issues. When we close on our first house, Mike was out of town. When we close on our second house, I was in Italy. So we each assigned power of attorney to the other to be able to sign the loan documents, the, the deed, the transfer documents, any documents relating to the buy and sell of real estate. And power of attorney also generally allows you to access bank accounts. Bear in mind though that certain banks have may have different rules and may require a signature on the signature card or some other. Procedure or policy in place before you can get access to those bank accounts. So a power of attorney is generally the first step. Some banks may have additional steps that you need to take so that you can access those bank accounts. Part of attorney should also allow you to make medical decisions on behalf of your parents. Oftentimes the power of attorney will include A living will, or that could be a separate document. All the different states have different forms. So make sure that you are using a form that. Works in and is valid in your state. But those medical decisions, you know, they kind of covered the big. Decisions. In addition to the just day-to-day normal. Medical decisions, but the big ones are in there too. Should, should you be resuscitated or not? Do you want lifesaving measures? To be administered. If you find yourself in that position, you know, what do you think about a respirator? Do you want to be fed. Through IVs. Do you want a Machine to keep your heart pumping, those kinds of things. So a power of attorney will allow. Decisions to be made on your behalf. When you can't make them yourself and they can either be effective on the date that they are signed. Or they can be effective at some point in the future, say you become mentally incapacitated or you some, for some reason are unable to make decisions for yourself. That that. Trigger in the future sometimes makes it easier. Or a parent is more willing to sign it over because that, that. Moment in time seems so far removed from what they're doing right now. Just bear in mind that certain states, if you do have that springing provision in them may require a doctor's determination that the, your parent is no longer able to make decisions on their own. Um, some states also require the courts to get involved. So. If, if the power of attorney will not go into effect at the time at sign, just know that there may be additional state provisions that require. Action so that it can be executable. Um, number two. I think it's really important to get signature authority on. On all of their accounts, we already talked about bank accounts and the fact that you might need to sign a signature card. But here are some other things that you, you might not think about. You want to have signature authority and being named on their utility accounts. For one reason you want to ensure that they're getting paid. Because what you don't want to have happen is the heat is turned off in the winter because somehow they forgot to make a payment or the air conditioning is turned off in the summer. Again, because they did, they forgot to make a payment. Um, one of the things we've been going through with Mike's parents is. They have a home phone. And when they bought new cell phones, the. Very savvy salesperson at the cell phone company convinced them that they should go. From a home landline, you know? On the wall, um, just a basic handheld phone. To voiceover IP. And that has been incredibly difficult for them to navigate. I mean, his mom has never even turned on a computer. So this idea that all of a sudden they have to. Have internet access to be able to use the telephone. It's it has been a complete disaster, but because our names, aren't on the accounts and we don't have signature authority on them. We, we can't actually talk to the phone company to get to the bottom of it. So. make sure you're on the telephone accounts. Make sure you are on the trash accounts. When my dad died. I ordered. A. Large dumpster. To be delivered to his house To get rid of a lot of things that needed to be thrown away. But because he had just moved into his house and he was the only one on the utility account. They wouldn't deliver a dumpster. Until I had the death certificate. Took a couple of weeks to get the dust certificate. I finally convinced them that I was the only survivor. And I had all of the power of his state. I didn't have any documentation. But they finally, finally, finally, after. You know, asking to speak to this manager and that manager and the next manager. They finally, let me order a dumpster. By, Giving them a credit card number and having to agree that I would indemnify them if there was any. Damage to the driveway and just thought a bunch of other different forms that if my name would have been on the utilities or I would have had access to those accounts. None of that would've happened. It would've been much easier. And then. Of course beyond the utilities. You want to have authority on their credit card accounts? Not only to monitor their spending. And make sure that, you know, somebody's not there. They're not spent sending a bunch of money to somebody that they're watching on the television or some Nigerian prince that calls them on their home phone and says that he needs all of their account information. To send them a special gift. So you want to protect them from that, but do you also need to make sure that the credit cards are getting paid? So signature authority on all accounts? Also want to make sure that all of the medical forms. That you might need. Those are all in place. So because of HIPAA and the idea that we want to protect. Medical information and the privacy of the patient. If you are not on the appropriate medical forums, you will have zero access to your parents. Medical information. obviously there's some reasons that you want access to that information. you can monitor their test results, make sure that what they are telling you is actually what is happening. My grandmother died of pancreatic cancer many, many years ago. And I remember that. Each time in the end, um, when she would go to the doctor and get weighed. Even though she was losing a ton of weight and it's the middle of summer. She would wear. Her long black wool coat and stuff. The pockets with rolled quarters. Because she had no appetite. And the chemotherapy just completely destroyed her appetite. And she. Had had received one too many. Stern talking to from the doctor. So that was her way of kind of outsmarting the system was where the long black wool coat stuffed the pockets with quarters. And then it doesn't look like she's. She's losing weight. But without access to her medical records. We couldn't, there was no way to see that on paper. She was gaining weight when she would go to these appointments. And, um, obviously that wasn't true. So if you've got access to the medical records and access to their charts, and then you're able to monitor test results. You can also keep an eye on their prescriptions. And that will allow, that will enable you to be able to talk to the doctors about any drug interactions that you have concerns about. Or if there are just any symptoms that. Pop up that seemed different or, you know, personality changes or, or something related to a prescription that gives you the ability to do the research and have the conversations that you need to have. It's also easier to administer followup care. I don't know if any of you have been in the situation where one of your parents will go to the doctor and. You know, they. They say that the appointment went great and really there's nothing else that needs to be done. And then you actually find out that The diagnosis or the prognosis or the aftercare is different than what your parents. Understood or wanted to share with you? If you have access to their medical forms and they're there. Medical charts. Then it's much, much easier to make sure that they are getting the follow-up care that they need. I know that I mentioned that my dad did not have a will, but I would recommend that a will is something that is put into place before it is needed. And. It's particularly important to make sure that. Belongings are divided among the survivors in the way that your parent wants those belongings divided. I mean, If there isn't a will, then the state has each state has a statute and that will tell the court exactly how to divide the assets. And it, it works. Procedurally works fine. Um, but if there are certain. Mementos you want, or you want to move into the family home or. Some sort of distribution as it relates to real estate assets. Personal belongings, then it works. It's so much better to have those conversations with your parents and your siblings. Sooner than later, and then make sure that the next step is taken. And that those conversations are memorialized by your parents in their will. And it's, it's better to do. Just, just like we were talking about with having these tougher conversations. Earlier and often. You don't want to be talking about distribution of assets when. Emotions are running high and there's this tense period. And everybody sad. Because none of this decisions are well-reasoned at that point. So. Make sure that the conversations that you are having with your parents and how they want to divide their estate, make sure that that is memorialized in a will. Another question that is answered through the will is who who's supposed to administer the estate. Different names for an estate administrator are, could be the executor of the will, could be a Personal representative. Changes, depending on the state. But basically that individual is going to pay the bills, distribute the property as specified in the will. Close the estate. I will say, having done this. For my dad's estate, it is a completely thankless job. It is very nearly a full-time job. I know that most parents think it's an honor to choose one of their kids to do this. Um, it's a lot though. And so if. I'm not saying that, you know, let your sibling do it if that's a possibility, but. I will. I know that I was lucky enough. Well, I guess if you want to call it lucky. My, my brother had already died when my dad died. So there weren't any fights over my dad's estate because I was the only one left. So luckily I didn't have to keep an accounting or report to, or check in with anyone about the decisions I was making. But. Just know that. Being an executor or a personal representative of will is it is a lot. And it's a lot of time, a lot of energy and depending on. Who else is. Taking. Under the terms of the will. It can be. Contentious and it's it's thankless. So, um, if I were you, I'm not sure that I'd be running to me in the personal executor. My parents will, but. Whatever you do, you. Um, And then finally this, this isn't a document to have in place, but I think it's worth a mention. And. It's the car keys. This is such a highly triggering emotional issue. Because. You you understand that your parents go to a certain point and they should not be driving. And you are approaching it as you are looking out for their own safety. Or, and the safety of those around them. But this conversation is the absolute worst because while you were approaching it, as I'm looking out for your safety. They are hearing it as you don't trust them. Or your overreacting or over-parenting them that you know you seem to feel like you know better than they do i mean hell my father-in-law renewed his driver's license at 86 with nothing more than an eye test So that was a signal to him that he was fine to drive I think that Mike and his brother Like we would all have different Opinions on whether he should be driving or not But by expressing those opinions We're saying to him We don't trust him That that's you know the the state says he's fine to drive so why can't we just rely on that And worst of all they're going to look at this as your taking away their freedom and independence that instead of being able to get in the car And go wherever they need to go whenever they need to go then all of a sudden they are reliant on you Or a driver or a caregiver who's going to take them somewhere or the shuttle bus that comes from the senior center. But instead of just being able to get up and go whenever they want they they can't do that anymore and it is a huge huge blow So Just be prepared that that is a very tough conversation but it's one that your going to want to have with them before it's too late because you you're you're looking out for their own safety you're looking out for the safety of those around them and It's it's just a tough one there's no way to soften it. I know that's a lot. to think about. It's a lot to talk about with your parents. This, this is probably one of those episodes that you should download so that you can come back to it again. And again. Because these are not quick conversations that you can have in one sitting and be done with them. You'll need to revisit them over and over again. And just remember. Lead with compassion. Be patient with your parents. You'll probably feel a little uncomfortable having these conversations with them, but I promise you. It will be worth it. Take care. Have a great week. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the School of Midlife podcast. I'd love it if you would take a moment and leave me a five star review so that we can spread the word to other mid-life women. Then join my mailing list. The link is in the show notes. And if you're ready to make midlife your best life, you can also find out more about how to work with me in the show notes. I'll see you right back here next week when the School of Midlife is back in session.