32. Unmasking the Real Me: My Complicated Relationship with Halloween

In this candid episode, I share why Halloween has always brought up complicated feelings for me. I'll talk about losing a grandparent on Halloween as a child. As an adult and now a midlife woman, I've realized Halloween triggers bigger issues around pretending to be someone I'm not.

I'll open up about how I've struggled with impostor syndrome and 'acting as if' for years - wearing a mask and showing up inauthentically. I'll discuss how the pressure to 'fake it till you make it' prevents us from living authentically and finding fulfillment. I'll share some of my journey to self-acceptance and showing up as my true self.

This will be a raw, personal look at why Halloween is about more than just costumes and candy for me. We'll dive into the deeper reasons this holiday has always felt like another exhausting charade instead of a celebration. My hope is we can have an honest dialogue about the masks we wear and reclaim the freedom to live unapologetically as our real selves.

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Transcript

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Rather as a mid-life woman, I've come to realize that part of the reason I don't like Halloween. Is because it reminds me of the countless years. I felt like I was wearing a mask in my own life. Like I was playing small to fit in. Or staying quiet instead of speaking up, keeping the peace instead of rocking the boat. I was feeling like I was wearing a mask that I was showing up as an imposter or feeling like I was acting as if. As if I was someone or something, I wasn't. And I'll tell you what. When you constantly dress yourself up to show up in your own life. It feels a little too exhausting to create another alter ego costume for Halloween. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm Laurie Reynoldson, former award-winning attorney turned high performance coach for midlife women. I designed this podcast is your go-to place for weekly midlife inspiration, where I'll be sharing, inspiring stories, providing step-by-step actionable coaching and introducing you to some incredible women who are absolutely crushing it at the midlife game. And you'd better believe we'll also be having candid conversations about mid-life relationships, career moves, money, menopause, and so much more. So take out your reading glasses and notebooks. My friends, because the School of Midlife is in session. Well, Hey there, welcome back to the school of mid-life podcast. It is Halloween. So on the day, the episode drops happy Halloween. I will say I am not a huge fan of Halloween and really, I haven't. Liked it for Hm. Almost as long as I can remember. In fact, I wrote about why I didn't like Halloween for this. Week's the best life list. The best life list is my Sunday newsletter. Are, are you on the list? If you aren't, you should be. Um, The best life list includes all sorts of recipes and shopping guides books. I'm reading this week included a link to some fun paint by numbers I've been using to relax and unwind. Every week is something different. Um, There is a clickable link below in the show notes to get yourself added to the list. Anyway. I wrote about Halloween and why I don't like it. In this week's best life list. And a couple of you reached out and asked if I would go a bit deeper into why I don't like Halloween. And for those of you who haven't read the best life list, it's probably not what you think. Let me say first that. While I'm not a huge fan of Halloween. I absolutely love my friends who love Halloween so much that they spend the entire year planning their costumes. I love the parade of the little tricker treaters at work. You know, the little kids who come dressed up as pumpkin's or princesses or dinosaurs, baby sharks, Astronauts Harry Potter all the little, you know, I just love seeing your kiddos come to the office. I love seeing the photos of them on social media when they're so excited about Halloween. I, I love the dog costumes, especially the little ups and FedEx delivery guys. That we're on the dogs, like the compounding into the, into the room with the packages. So there are plenty of things I like about Halloween, but really it's just not my thing. Let's let's go back to Halloween 1977. I was five years old. My brother and I were dressed as raggedy Ann and raggedy Andy for Halloween. We were wearing red crepe paper wigs. Rosy red cheeks painted on with lipstick. We had freckles dotted on with dark eyeliner. We had, we were wearing these matching. Red gingham shirts and we had coveralls on and Stripe, knee socks. And we were smiling ear to ear for the camera. We went to dinner that night at my grandparents house. Which was also the only stop where we actually went trick or treating because we didn't, we didn't grow up anywhere in a subdivision or on a road where we could easily go trick or treating. So it was off to our grandparents' house for the night. And I remember we showed up before we could, you know, do any sort of trick or treating with my grandparents. We had dinner. And after dinner, just as we were finishing dinner. The telephone rang. And my grandma passed the phone to my dad. And. I'm watching him have, you know, one side of a conversation. Um, because my brother and I were excited about the night we were sent to the living room to watch TV. And after being in the living room for a while, we went back into the kitchen and my dad was crying. And it turns out that his mom, my granny Margaret had died. She and my poppy bill we're at a convention in Colorado Springs. When they were walking into the convention center for dinner. She apparently felt a little dizzy and then she collapsed. She had a heart attack and died right on the spot. Obviously at five, I didn't know what was going on, but as I got older and started asking questions, that's what I learned. So really the first Halloween that I can remember. My dad's crying. My grandma dies so that wasn't, you know, probably the best Halloween memory. But for years after that, I remember so many years of trick-or-treating in the pouring rain because I grew up in Western Washington. So in October that meant rain and a lot of it. Plus we were going door to door asking for crappy candy that I would never eat. I mean, I guess I've always been a little picky when it comes to my sweet stuff. I want it to be good quality candy. So, I mean, unless it was, you know, one of those. Small mini sized Butterfingers, or maybe a Reese's peanut butter cup, maybe some MnMs. I just, most of the, the candy that we got was was just stuff I would never eat. So it didn't feel like it was worth all of the effort. So we've got the rain. We've got the crappy candy. And how long lean always was. Was a last minute thing at our house. So there, it didn't feel like there was ever a lot of thought put into the costumes. So they were typically thrown together at the last minute. I mean, I remember I dressed as a bomb for ongoing to say three or four years, because all I had to do was put on one of my dad's work shirts, you know, the dirty, holy flannel shirt. With the arms out of it. Just ugly. And then some of his work pants throw on a hat and then I would wrap a paper bag around a can I, no, I'm, I'm not proud of it, but it, it is what it was because it was kind of, it was always a last minute situation. On top of that, there were a couple of trips to some terrifying haunted houses. In Seattle, the radio stations would host these terrible haunted houses. Not the cornfield type of scaring. You, you know, it's popular now, but. Real old houses or old buildings with the. Electricity turned off. There were ghosts and people grabbing at you and coming up from behind you and like tugging on your clothes. And I was little, I, you know, I was probably, I mean, not little, little, but eight or nine or 10, and that scared the bejesus out of me. Terrible. Um, So I just, I wouldn't say I've had a lot of great Halloween memories. But that's not why I received emails about my article in Sunday's best lifeless newsletter. It's because as a mid-life woman, I've come to realize that part of the reason I don't like Halloween has nothing to do with my granny Margaret dying when I was five. Or memories of rainy Halloween nights or trigger trading for crappy candy or those nightmarish haunted houses. I went through as a kid. Rather as a mid-life woman, I've come to realize that part of the reason I don't like Halloween. Is because it reminds me of the countless years. I felt like I was wearing a mask in my own life. Like I was playing small to fit in. Or staying quiet instead of speaking up, keeping the peace instead of rocking the boat. I was also, I felt like I had to be Uber competitive to keep up in the male dominant industry in which I worked. You know, I had to stuff down those big emotions I was feeling. It in fact. My biggest fear. At work. Had nothing to do with public speaking. But it was breaking down and crying in the office. Like having something emotional happened to me. And feeling like the worst thing that could possibly happen was it. I break down and be emotional in the office. So, what I realized was, is I was feeling like I was wearing a mask that I was showing up as an imposter or feeling like I was acting as if. As if I was someone or something, I wasn't. And I'll tell you what. When you constantly dress yourself up to show up in your own life. It feels a little too exhausting to create another alter ego costume for Halloween. So that's what we're going to talk about today. Imposter syndrome and acting as if. let me, let me just start by saying these are big topics. Each could easily have its own episode. So. we're, we're just gonna do a very high level discussion of imposter syndrome and acting as if, as they relate to Halloween. But let me know if you'd like me to explore these. Topics further on a future episode. Like once you recognize what it is, how do you overcome it? How do you deal with it? Other issues or questions relating to imposter syndrome or acting as if. If you want to hear. If you want me to go deeper on those topics for a future episode or two. Send me an email. There's a clickable link in the show notes. Okay. So let's start with imposter syndrome. I think a lot of us are familiar with this one. You know, it's that? Do you ever feel like you're a fraud or like you don't deserve your success and it's only a matter of time before you're found out. I mean, if so, you're, you're, you're not alone. Many high achieving women struggle with imposter syndrome. And here's, what's really interesting. The. The more successful, the higher achieving you are the more prevalent among those women, that imposter syndrome is it's like every time you level up. Every time you think, oh my gosh. Um, They're going to find me out. I don't deserve to be here. How is it that I got here? That just gets worse. The more successful you get. to level set here, what is imposter syndrome? Imposter syndrome is characterized by feelings of self doubt and insecurity about your abilities and accomplishments. So despite evidence that you are competent, you might have this. Persistent. Inner belief that you're a fraud. Um, Intellectually you don't belong physically. You don't belong for some reason you feel like your, a fraud and that could show up. Like you're in a meeting at work. And you just, you feel like, how did I get invited to this meeting? Was this a mistake? Or you earn a promotion at work and you, and you feel like, you know what, it's just a matter of time before they figure out that I'm not as qualified as they think I am. And it can go even deeper than that because there's this pervasive idea or this social norm. That high achieving highly successful women. They can be all things and have it all. So we've got society telling this on the one hand. And on the other hand, we are so worried and concern. That someone might find out that. We have help cleaning the house. Or. Somebody does our laundry. Or we have meals delivered or we pay someone to string our Christmas lights for us. Like. We don't. Do it all, we can't do it all. And for some reason, there's this. Shame or stigma about the reality that we can't do it all. Let's talk about some common feelings relating to imposter syndrome. Um, One is you feel like a phony or a fraud? We've talked about this before on this podcast, but Harvard business review did a study. Several years ago. And when it comes down to male and female applicants applying for a job. Men will apply for a job when they meet only 60% of the qualifications or the criteria. Women apply for the job. Only if they meet a hundred percent of the criteria and the qualifications. One of my favorite quotes from Tina Fey is say yes. And you'll figure it out afterward. Because of course you will write, you'll do your homework. You'll spend the time. The key here is not to kill yourself in the process by over preparing. And that's something that women do all the time. Um, we can certainly, you know, add that to the list of additional episodes that we probably should talk about at some point, but. This idea that. You feel like you're a phony or fraud because you don't feel like you are enough that you have all of the qualifications that. Oh my gosh. At some point. They're going to figure out that this has all just been a front I've been wearing this mask. I've been showing up as somebody that I'm not. And at some point I'm going to be found out. It could also look like a fear of. And this is related of course, to being a phony or a fraud, but a fear of being exposed as incompetent. Or less capable than your peers. This might look like you've just been promoted or you've taken a new job. And part of you feels like part of you believes that it's only a matter of time before they figure it out. That. I'm not as good as they think I am. Or that I've been very lucky over the years. And. Gosh, I just might not be the most qualified. Like someone somewhere has made a mistake. Have you ever felt like that? I think we all have at one time or another. Imposter syndrome also can show up. Bye. You. Feeling like you have to attribute your success. To lock. Or even charm. Something other than your own abilities. So, um, Group project anyone. I mean, Does this sound familiar to any of you? You're the lead on something. It could be a pitch at work where say you land the big client. And, you know, you've done the lion share of the work. But the expectation is. That you'll share in the success that you couldn't have done it without your team. So you, you know, you're the lead on the pitch and then you land the big client, or it could be that you chair the annual auction at school where all of the fundraiser raising records are broken. But again, You know that your. If you're uncomfortable saying you're the one responsible for the results or the outcome? Fine. But deep down, you know, that you did the lion share of the work. But as women, we have this. We deal with this expectation that we will share in the success. That we couldn't have done it without the team. And. And hear me when I say this it's you definitely need to give good and proper. Thanks when it is due. But you also have to be willing and able to accept the praise when it's earned. You worked your ass off, you made that happen. It's not because of luck or your charm. It is a hundred percent related to your abilities and you have to own that. It doesn't make you self-centered or self-absorbed, or. Self-important to accept the praise. I mean, Think think about it this way. We don't accept men to waterfall the praise and by waterfall, I mean, you know, Make sure that everyone all down the line gets, gets praised and thanks. And, and, uh, Called out when. The team is being acknowledged for good work. Men don't waterfall the praise. It's okay for them to accept the award or the promotion. And it should be okay for women to. Related to that imposter syndrome could feel like I'm discounting, praise and positive feedback. Again, it goes back to the, oh, it was a team effort. Or, oh, I couldn't have done it without the assistance of Mary and Jill and Sarah. And we, we downplay the positive feedback by. I just got lucky. Ashton Kutcher says, I believe that opportunity looks a lot like hard work. And I think for women in particular, When we say opportunity or lucky it's because we worked our asses off, so we need to get comfortable. Not discounting the praise, not poo-pooing the positive feedback. Somebody is giving it to us for a reason. We have earned it. We need to be okay. Accepting it. Imposter syndrome. Oftentimes emerges in mid-life. I mean, it, it can show up earlier for sure. But as midlife women reach new career Heights or life milestones, there's this kind of natural self doubt during any life transition, but it particularly. In midlife. And what's. What's so interesting to me is most of the feelings of being an imposter, if not all of them. They're not rooted in reality. I mean, You can make. I would think right now you could make a case for the why, the thoughts and the feelings that you feel when you're experiencing imposter syndrome. Why those are absolutely not true. But. Even though. From an analytical standpoint, you know, that they're not true. That doesn't make those feelings any less real. Again, we could do a deep, deep dive on imposter syndrome If you want to go deeper on imposter syndrome, let me know all record a nother episode in the future. But for me, Part of the Halloween. Issue part of the reason I didn't like it is. I mean, I already felt like I was playing the imposter. In pretty much every other aspect of my life. So why did I want. The additional pressure to come up with something funny or witty or some other clever costume on Halloween. I didn't. So for me, I just wrote off Halloween for years. Moving on from imposter syndrome. There there's another kind of, maybe we'll call it a sister issue of related to imposter syndrome and that's acting as if. It's the idea, you know, that you should dress for the job that you want or network in the circle where you want to end up. Show up as if you belong there. For me. I did this for years in the law firm. In fact, I've been thinking about that. I, I should retake the personality tests that I had to take when I was practicing law. Um, you know, there was Myers-Briggs and the disc analysis and strength finders, and plenty of others. But I just be interested to see how I would score now. I know that when I took those tests, 1520 years ago. I was showing up in a certain way. In a very contentious male dominated work environment. So because of the environment I was in, I know that I showed up. In a way that. Was different. Then I. What. W w what people were seeing on the outside was different than what I felt on the inside. And when I look back. I think that it was just self preservation to show up in those, in that way, it was just the, the way that I was able to. Be so successful in that environment was too. You know, steal myself with this big, aggressive personality. I remember. At one point. when I was a partner in a law firm, small boutique firm, but all the partners and the managers took the disc test. I don't remember what all the disc letters stand for. D I S C, but I remembered the D stood for dominant. And the male partner in the firm. And this is someone who I butted heads with a lot. But. The consultant who administered the test was talking about our results as a firm. And the male partner. Had scored high on D dominant. And, you know, he's kind of looking around the room and he's got this sort of smug grin on his face because you know, he is the big D dominant. And then the consultant looks at me and says, Well, so male partner, you scored high on D dominant Laurie. She scored off the charts D dominant it. And I, so of course I thought, oh, well great. Because everything is a competition with the guy. And if. I'm more dominant than he is then. That's cool. But what's so interesting about that. Is that's not how i really react in most situations I mean, I am more someone who. And instead of like this dominant. Bulldog of a person or, you know, I even had clients at one point in negotiations, tell me that they needed somebody, more of a bulldog. But that has never been my style. I'm much more someone who sits back and kind of takes it all in. To understand the opportunities or the issues. And. And I'm really not someone who is, you know, going to bulldog in your face over D dominant take over the situation. I mean, once I make a decision about something, then it's like, yes, let's go. Let's let's, let's do this. Let's go. And. And I'm, I'm hard charging, but I don't really try to impose my views on others in a dominant way. But that is how I scored because of the environment that I was in. So I was acting as if I was this. Capital D off the charts dominant person. Which is why I think it would be good to go back and retake those tests. Now that I am. Much more comfortable. And aware of who I am and what I bring to the table. back to what we're talking about in this episode, what is the act as if principle. Act as if refers to a tendency to pretend. To to ourselves and to others that we are doing better or something different than we really are. Um, oftentimes we try to act confident or satisfied or productive or even cheerful. Even when we're feeling inadequate or stressed or, or unhappy inside. And for midlife women who are used to being successful. Th having everything we touched, turned to gold, you know, high achievers at work and the CEO of our household. This idea of acting as if can become our default mode. Because we hide our doubts. And we hide our insecurities and our struggles behind this capable, confident facade. Because we feel like we have to portray this idea that we're living the perfect life. When. Sometimes or, or maybe oftentimes in reality, we're barely holding it together. So you could have doubts about your capabilities at work. Or you could feel like you have to cover up issues in a marriage. But instead of facing those issues or letting on that those issues exist to anybody outside. We act as if everything is great, couldn't be better. Right. And here's the problem with that. The pressure we feel too. Act as if everything is perfect to show up each day, pretending we have it all together. It's this constant pressure to fake it till you make it. It can prevent us from living. Authentically and. Fulfilling. Our true potential. Because. We're always acting as if we are someone or something different, which means we're never actually showing up as our true self. As I found over the years acting as if has several consequences, especially if that's the only way you ever show up. First of all, it's a huge energy drain. There is something about. Faking competence and confidence that when you do it constantly, It is utterly exhausting. It's kind of that idea. You know, when you were little and your parents told you that you weren't supposed to lie. Um, and it was just so much easier to tell the truth because if you lie the first time, You have to really think back on. Okay. What did I say to this person about that before? Because you ha you have to keep up the lie. You've got to remember. What you said before. And so your faking this and, and you're just, you. It's exhausting because you're trying to keep up the appearances. Same as. If you're acting as if you are something or someone. Different than who you really are. In your own life, it's it's emotionally draining because you have to keep up the appearances. Who are you supposed to be? It is. Totally and completely exhausting. Second. Acting as if leads to disconnection. When we hide our real feelings, it creates this distance in relationships. And it doesn't even have to be. Relationships with others. It can be. Questioning how well we actually know ourselves. I mean, how, how can we expect radical truth from others when we're not willing to give it in return? And by that token, if we're hiding who we really are. Or what we really think or how we're really feeling. Then. We, we don't even know who we are. We're actually hiding our true selves from not only everyone else outside of us. But also to our own self. And third, and this one. This one took me years to figure out. Acting as if or showing up as someone that is not authentically you. Leads to a loss of fulfillment or, you know, maybe not even a loss. But difficulty ever finding or feeling true fulfillment. Because. Pretending to be someone we're not prevents us from finding our purpose. Right. There is value in recognizing that we are enough just as we are. And. As women. Not everything depends on our flawless performance. It's okay to ask for help when we need it. It's okay to give ourselves some grace, the grace that we would extend to others. It's okay to give that to ourselves too. It's okay to recognize that while we may have a great number of strengths. There's some weaknesses too. And that is. That's just being human. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Everyone has strengths. Everyone has weaknesses. And for some reason, We feel like we cannot be a successful high-achieving midlife woman. If we admit that we have some weaknesses. I think it's important to note that. There was a difference between envisioning the best version of yourself and working towards that. Best you in the future. I mean. This is exactly what part of my morning, 5, 10, 5 is based on because you are living as if you are already there. You're envisioning your life as if you're already there. That's different as far as manifesting and planning. That's different than showing up to. The public at large or the people around you. As someone that. You're not. Because you have to be able to accept the weaknesses along with the strengths, you have to be willing to show up as your authentic self. Not just the person who others would like you to be. But who you actually are. Again, just like imposter syndrome. If, if you want me to go a little deeper on acting as if, if you have questions about the acting, as of principle, drop them to me at the clickable link in the show notes, and we'll do another episode on this. But tonight it's Halloween. So go and enjoy the festivities that go along with the holiday. Dress up. Eat all the candy. I enjoy the littles all dressed up as their favorite characters. But tomorrow when Halloween is over. You'll go back to living without your mask. Living without your costume. And I want you to ask yourself. Can you do it without feeling unworthy? Or like you're a fraud. Can you do it without feeling that you're showing up? In authentically in your own life. Can you live your life? Without feeling like you need to pretend to be someone. Or something else? For me, it was years and years. Of acting like I was somebody else. It was wearing that mask. It was showing up as someone or somebody that I wasn't. So for me. Dressing up on Halloween just felt like another exhausting undertaking. I hope for you. That you can go back to living without your mask and your costume. That for you, Halloween is just another great holiday to celebrate and have fun with friends. And your kids and maybe your grandkids. And it's not a reminder. Of all of the years that you spent. In a mask or in a costume in your own life. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the school of mid-life podcast. It means so much to have you here. My mission is to give all women the tools, mindset, shifts, and permission to make midlife their very best life. And I absolutely could not do it without you. Would you help me spread the word about the podcast by going to ratethispodcast.com/schoolofmidlife and leave us a rating. If you can spare a minute, I'd be honored. If you'd leave us a review too. That's ratethispodcast.com/schoolofmidlife. Or you can click the link in the show notes. Thanks so much for being here. I'll see you back here next week when the school of midlife is back in session