51. Dreaming with Your Eyes Wide Open: Creating a Life You Want to Live

Here are the School of Midlife, we talk a lot about making midlife our best life. What, exactly, does that mean? What is a best life? What is a dream life?

In this episode, Laurie is discussing the importance of knowing what your dream life looks like so that you can make it a reality. Most high-achieving midlife women are accustomed to chasing all of the promotions and the accolades. What they're not as comfortable thinking about: the life of their dreams.

But there comes a point in life – usually in midlife – when they realize that they want something more in life, and something just for themselves. And that’s when they start thinking about their dreams. 

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Do you ever feel so busy living that you forget to create a life? Do you ever get so caught up with chasing work goals and promotions that you lose sight of creating a life outside of work? Do you ever get tired of doing all the things? That you have no time to just be. If that sounds like you, this episode is for you. Today, we're talking about the importance of dreaming for midlife women. Let's get started. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson. this is the podcast for the woman who has everything. She always thought she ever wanted career family, home cars, designer handbags, but now it's midlife and she can't quite shake the feeling that something is missing in her perfect life, that she was made for something more. She's wide awake at 2:00 AM asking herself big questions like: what do I want? Is it too late for me? And what's my legacy beyond my family and my work? Each week we're answering these questions and more. Let's make midlife your best life. Well, Hey friends, welcome back to the school of midlife podcast. I am feeling finally like myself again. Yay. So I have a new episode for you today, and I'm so excited that you are here. In today's episode, we're talking about the importance of dreams to midlife women. Couple of reasons why I wanted to do today's episode. One I've been catching myself when someone asks me how I'm doing. And especially if things aren't going great, I respond with. Oh, just living the dream. Super sarcastic. And I've started wondering why am I doing that? Why am I making a joke out of living a dream life? So that's one reason we're going to talk about dreams today. Another reason I've been having conversations with women about what does it even mean to make midlife your best life? If you've been around the School of Midlife for very long. You know that we talk about making midlife your best life. And so I'm just getting questions from women about what does that even mean? And part of it is. They can't really picture what their best life looks like. Most women seem to be willing to settle for a good life. Like they don't need to live a best life or. a dream life. Let me be clear here, though. They will be the first to admit that they have a pretty great life. You know, most of them are married or in a long-term relationship. They have kids who are healthy and playing all the sports and figuring out what to do after graduation. So there, their kids are doing well. The women are working in careers that they like. Most take a vacation each year or every other year. So yeah, life. Is pretty good. But they're also struggling a bit to understand why they feel unfulfilled. And those are their words. Not mine. They'll they'll tell you that they're happy. It's just. That they expected to feel differently once they made it to midlife, like they've been working their whole life up to now with the idea that they be rewarded with this new or. Different or. More exciting life in midlife. And admittedly, they, they don't know what they expected. But now they're in midlife and it just feels like. They were expecting something different than what they're actually living. Most women don't want to start completely over in midlife, although some do. And that's okay too, when you've lived your entire life up until now to make other people happy, whether that's your parents or your spouse or your kids, and. And you reach midlife and you finally realize you get one shot at this life and no one else is looking out for you. Then you better figure out how to make your one life, one that's worth living. Right. But don't misunderstand me here. Even the women who want to burn it all down and start over. They don't really want to throw everything away. They want to feel something different. Feel something different than they feel now. It's not that they want to live a life without their kids, but if they had it to do over some feel like they would maybe have married someone else. Or chosen a different job. Or move to a different city. So what happens when you get to midlife and you want something more or different than you have? What are your options? And that's exactly what my coaching clients and I talk about on the regular. I'll tell you that it's not easy to figure out, but the answer is simple. Figure out what you want and do more of that. And when I say what you want. I mean. What is it that you actually want? Not what you've been conditioned to want by society or the media or what your parents raise you to want, but what you actually want. Again, I know it sounds easy, but it's not, there are so many layers of the onion that need to be peeled back to really get at the heart of what it is that you want. But that's the first and most important step. Once you knew what you want. And why you want it. Then we can figure out. How to make that a reality for you. It likely won't happen overnight. So there we need to be patient. But we can be intentionally patient. Because once. You have something that's meaningful to you that you're working on, that you're creating. Then your more willing to put in the work. And that's what I mean when I say making midlife. Your best life. If, if you were a straight a student or if you were the student body president and the captain of the soccer team, if you were. Say on the governing council for your sorority, if you've always been the go-to planner of all the girls weekends and wine nights in your friend group, if you can relate to any of these, Then listen up because as a high achieving woman, You will have the toughest time with this. I'll bet that you have been achievement focused your entire life, right? What's next on the achievement checklist. What do you have to do to earn the next gold star or the next promotion or earn the next accolade? That's what you've been focused on. So when someone asks you. What does your dream life look like? What does your best life look like? Again, simple enough questions. But they might be difficult for you to answer because you haven't tapped into that part of yourself. You've been narrowly focused on what's next in the success playbook. And for most women, that means. You went to school. I got the job. Got married, had some kids and raise them up. Earn the promotions. You've done everything exactly by the book until now. Which is why you might be feeling a little cheated at this point. It's midlife. It's the time of your life. It's the time that you should be enjoying the most. I mean. Let's take parenting as an example. Look. I know, it sounds good to say you've loved every minute of raising your kids. Especially because society expects women to value, mothering over everything. But if you're honest with yourself, Did you really love those 2:00 AM. Wake up calls from a screaming hungry baby. When you were only sleeping one to two hours at a time. And then of course they grew up. And have you loved every minute of dealing with the teenage angst and drama? When they storm off and slam the door shut because you won't buy them the latest iPhone or you make them wait to get on social media. When all their friends are posting the latest Tik TOK videos. Parenting is hard and, and yes. That's coming from someone who doesn't have kids. But I know it's hard and I have so many friends who are absolutely incredible parents. But who also don't want their primary identity to be someone's mom. Or wife. Or daughter for that matter. They want a life too. And I don't think that's too much for them to ask. I remember a call around 11:00 PM one night, many years ago. My best friend was on the couch with her newborn daughter who was probably three or four weeks old at that point. The baby wasn't eating, which meant she was crying all the time. My friend hadn't slept in weeks. I remember that call like it was yesterday. My friend is sitting on her couch in the dark. Holding her baby and crying into the phone and she got really quiet. And confessed. I feel like I've made a huge mistake. And that's because when we talk about being a mother. We don't talk about the hard stuff. We don't talk about the fact that you grow a tiny human for nine months, you give birth and they send you home to figure out everything on your own. Meanwhile, your hormones are all over the place. You're not sleeping. You're the food source for that tiny human it's a lot of pressure. But you do it because you understand the responsibility. You want the very best for your child and you spend the next 18 20, 25 years raising that child. Because society tells us that raising a child into adult is the most important thing a woman can do with her life. So. At what point then? Is it acceptable? For you as a woman to figure out what else you want in life. What else do you want to do other than being a mom? And again, don't come at me here. I'm not undercutting the importance of motherhood. But for most women, especially the achievement junkies out there, the ones chasing all of the promotions and the accolades. There comes a point in life. Usually in midlife. When you realize you want something more? You want something for yourself? And that's when we start talking about our dreams. For most women though, we tend to focus more on work responsibilities and promotions and milestones. Rather than imagining our dreams. And that's because our society and our culture. Encourage us as high-achieving women to keep accomplishing. To stay on the hamster wheel. And that's because our society. Our culture. Encourages us as high achieving women. To keep accomplishing. To stay on the hamster wheel. To keep working towards the next thing. There is no point at which we are encouraged to explore our passions. We're told at self-indulgent. We're told itself centered. And I know you can relate to what I'm talking about here. This is a little embarrassing for me to admit, but I started working with a life coach in 2018. That. That's not the embarrassing point. I'm a huge proponent of coaching and mentoring because I understand the trade-off of. Exchanging money or paying a coach to get results faster. I mean, We can all figure out things on our own. We are capable, smart, high achieving women, but the beauty of working with a coach is they can see. Blind spots even when you can't. So they can point out ways in which you're holding yourself back or sabotaging your growth. Even as a coach, I work with coaches all the time in my own life. It's. Every year, it's the best money I spent. So, so back to 2018, I'm working with a life coach for the first time, because I'm experiencing a lot of these same feelings. Do you, do you know why I can relate to everything? You're feeling a midlife it's because I've been there too. It's, you know, I have that feeling like it's midlife, I've made it. I have everything. I always thought I ever wanted. Why isn't it enough? I don't know what's missing. I can't quite put my finger on it. But my life. By all outward appearances is perfect. It's just not what I expected. It would be. So while we're sorting this out, my coach asks me. What did you dream about as a child? And I said, well, what do you, what do you mean? And she said, when, when you were a child, what kind of life did you envision for yourself? What did you dream about? And here's the embarrassing part. It occurred to me that I had never allowed myself to dream. That's right. Little achievement junkie. Laurie thought that dreaming was for people who couldn't accomplish things. Almost like an excuse, like you were to socks. Like dreaming was. Dare I say childish. I mean childish for a child to act like a child. Yeah. I read what you, you can't see me shaking my head right now, but it's true. I didn't ever dream about my life. In fifth grade and I'll, I'll tell that story another time, but in fifth grade, I said I was going to become an attorney. And that was that it was like, there was no second guessing there was no questioning on my part. My mind was made up that that was that. I was going to do everything I needed to do to become an attorney. And I did. And I was a damn good attorney for 20 years of my career. But when I was facing a huge career decision, And I finally. Took a step back and took a beat and looked at my life. After 20 years of practicing law and three years of law school and four years of college, and I don't know, seven or eight years of schooling before that. So that's a lot of years. For the first time I finally asked myself. Do you really want to be an attorney? And after all that time and that energy and everything, I had invested to become an attorney. The answer was no. So there I was midlife making a career change without a backup plan. Realizing that I'd accomplished what I set out to accomplish, but I wasn't living my dream life. I wasn't living a life that. Brought me joy. Or meaning or held any purpose for me? If I wasn't achieving. And it wasn't just the job. I ran my first marathon in 2001. And that first marathon, that one felt like a big achievement. And it was, I mean, 26.2 miles. But the next marathon. And the one after that. It became this pattern of train. Run the race cross the finish line. Celebrate for a hot minute and then wonder. What's next. And I know I'm not alone. how often do we do that? The first time we do something we're so damn proud of ourselves. We expect the applause and the approval and the validation from everyone around us. And the, sometimes we actually get it. But even if we are lucky enough to get it, it doesn't last. So we find another race to run literally and figuratively. With the expectation that we'll feel differently after we cross that finish line. And again, we do. For a hot minute. But the celebration doesn't last long and that feeling of achievement. Well, that's even more fleeting then the first time. And the last time. What that shows us at the will actually never find the life we're hoping to live. If we're only looking at what we can achieve. If we're just working harder. If we're just focused on the next thing. And you know, I'm right. You live that way. Your whole life. You know that the satisfaction and the fulfillment you're looking for isn't on another checklist because you would already feel it. If it was. So because you don't find that satisfaction and fulfillment. you think it's on another to-do list? But again, you won't feel that way. You won't. Find what you want after the next achievement. Because that thing that feels like it's missing. You're going to still feel that way, unless you figure out what you really want. What your dream life looks like. Dreaming gives us a vision to work towards. It's the idea that if you can see it, you can make it a reality. You might be able to create that vision in your mind, you may have a very clear mental picture of you living your dream life. Where you're at what you're doing. Who's with you, how you spend your time. Like you can fully picture it. You might be someone who needs a more tangible inspiration. So like pictures on a Pinterest board or in a magazine or a travel brochure. It's it's so interesting to me. How many midlife women dream about travel? About moving to a different city or state or even a different country. Or maybe even living part of the year, somewhere else. So many travel related dreams. And I'm included in that. Me, me too. But once we figure out what we want. Then we're able to set goals because I know you love a good goal, a good something to work towards. But this time, the goals are actually aligned with our own personal values. Which means that when you reach them, That fulfillment that's alluded you for so long. You'll finally have it. Greater fulfillment. A happy life that is also personally satisfying and fulfilling. Sounds pretty good. Right? If you're someone who does better when your goals are front and center. I'd encourage you to grab a copy of the BEST LIFE Daily Planner Habit Tracker. Every day as part of the Morning 5, 10, 5. You'll write down the 10 dreams you're working on. But they're written as if you've already achieved them. And there's a scientifically proven reason for doing that. If you write it as if it's already happened, that it's already. Your reality. What you're telling your subconscious brain is that particular reality that's important to you. So all day long running in the background, your subconscious brain will look for ways to actually bring it to life. To make it so. At the time this episode airs, the planners are just $10. So a crazy good deal. I'll drop a clickable link in the show notes for you to order yours and I'll mail it right out to you so that you can start. get started making those dreams, your reality. I do want to draw a distinction between childhood dreams and adult dreams though. And I've touched on this a bit earlier. More often than not our childhood dreams. And if you're not like me and you actually allowed yourself some time to dream. But those childhood dreams are more often than not influenced by external forces in our life. Like our parents. Or society or our conditioning. And I'm not talking about the fanciful fantasy dreams that we had as kids like the dream of owning a rainbow unicorn. But maybe you dreamed about singing or acting on a stage or flying an airplane. Those kind of childhood dreams. More often than not though. There weren't so much our dreams as they were us testing the waters to see how people would react to them. A lot of times we were searching for validation. We were searching for approval. We wanted our parents to be proud of us. So we picked dreams. Or. We didn't call them goals at that point, but we picked dreams that we thought. I would make them proud of us. Those are childhood dreams. They, and they may still very much be. A goal or a dream of yours to sing or act on stage or fly an airplane. So you, you could have childhood dreams that do translate into adult dreams. But oftentimes adult dreams are different. They tend to be more realistic because we can't help, but quiet our inner critic. But they're also generally more authentic. Because we've stopped looking for approval or validation of our dreams any longer. Thank god right? We're looking to live a life our dream life that not only aligns with our values But makes us feel happy. And whole And fulfilled Let's really not too much to ask is it So my first question to you is what's your dream life look like If i could wave a magic wand right now and give you the life of your dreams, What would that look like? Do you know? I'll bet you do on some level because you've literally drummed about it when you were sleeping. Or when you were dre dreaming. You know you know what that dream life looks like And my next question to you is. Now that you know what your dream life looks like, when are you going to give yourself permission to start living it? 'cause we get one shot at this life. None of us knows how much time we have left. One shot. Don't you owe it to yourself To start living your best life right now? Don't you owe it to yourself to make midlife your best life? Thanks so much for being here today I am so excited to hear about What is your dream life look like? What does what is your best life look like in midlife? Will you come find me on instagram and Let me know? Respond to a couple of the Posts from this week that talk about today's episode and talk about living your dream life. Just comment. At a comment let me know what you are working on so i can cheer you on. Thanks so much for being here today! i am so glad to be back, And i will see you back here next week when the school Of midlife is back in session. Until then take good care Make it a great week. I have a question for you. When was it? Last time you spent a day focused completely on yourself. Oh, away from the daily grind, the constant ding of text messages, the never ending question of what's for dinner tonight. Well, If a day sounds good. What about an entire weekend away? And before you start thinking that sounds a little too indulgent. Let me remind you that you can't take care of everyone else in your life. If you don't take care of yourself first. I am thrilled to personally invite you to join me at the best life retreat. April 11th through the 14th., four days in world, famous sun valley, Idaho. With more than 12 hours of group coaching to figure out what you actually want in life, how you define success. And help you lay the groundwork for you to create a life that not only makes you happy. But also makes you feel personally fulfilled. There will be incredible group activities like happy hour paint and sips walks hikes. Your choice of spa appointments at an award-winning spa. Luxury accommodations, gourmet meals, premium drinks, and the best gift bag you have ever seen. I'm telling you this will be one of the very best weekends of your life. To keep the retreat intimate. There are only 10 spots available and when they're gone, they're gone. So go right now click the link in the show notes to grab your spot and i will see you in Sun Valley!