120. Feeling "Off" in Midlife? Maybe You Were Never "That Woman" to Begin With

In this episode: midlife identity, high-achieving women, menopause mindset, real self, personal growth, Human Design

✨ Show Notes:

You’ve done the work: the workouts, the clean eating, the hormone balancing, the sleep, the water, the supplements—and maybe even some therapy and mindset shifts.

And yet… you still don’t feel like yourself.
 Maybe it’s because the “you” you’ve always been wasn’t really you at all.

In this episode of The School of Midlife, Laurie Reynoldson gets deeply honest about the identity reckoning so many high-achieving women face in midlife—when they realize the persona they built to succeed might be misaligned with who they actually are.

She also introduces Human Design, the self-discovery tool she’ll soon be incorporating into her coaching practice to help women reconnect with their true selves—without all the conditioning, proving, and performing.

💡 In This Episode:

• The key difference between being high-achieving vs. high-performing
• Why success on paper often doesn’t feel like fulfillment in real life
• How societal and workplace conditioning shaped your persona
• Why midlife might be the first time you have the freedom—and clarity—to choose differently
• A powerful reframe: What if you’re not burned out—you’re just becoming someone new?
• An introduction to Human Design and how it supports identity clarity in midlife

📝 Journal Prompts:

• When did I first learn that being high-achieving made me valuable?
• What parts of me have I suppressed to succeed or fit in?
• What does alignment feel like in my body?
• What would I do differently if I trusted who I was becoming?

🔗 Links:

• 💫 Join the next Best Life Retreat in Sun Valley
• 💌 DM "BECOMING" on Instagram or email Laurie to start a coaching conversation

📩 JOIN MY MAILING LIST
https://www.schoolofmidlife.com/newsletter

👉 CONNECT WITH LAURIE:
📩 Email Laurie

💻 Website

On Instagram

On LinkedIn

Work with Laurie

Transcript

[00:00:00] Have you ever had that moment in midlife where you think, wait a second, who am I really? You fix the physical stuff you're doing the mindset work, but something still feels a little off. And maybe it's because the high achieving version of you, the one who's been performing and proving herself for decades. She was never the real you to begin with. In today's episode, we're unpacking what happens when you realize the identity you built to succeed isn't actually aligned. And I'll introduce you to a powerful tool that's helping midlife women come home to themselves for the very first time. Let's get into it.

​Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson.

This is the podcast for the midlife woman who starting to ask herself big life questions. Like, what do I [00:01:00] want? Is it too late for me? And what's my legacy beyond my family and my work. Each week we're answering these questions and more. At the School of Midlife, we're learning all of the life lessons they didn't teach us in school and we're figuring out finally what it is we want to be when we grow up. Let's make midlife your best life. 

Hey friends. Welcome back to another episode of The School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson, and if you are new here, welcome. I am so happy to have you here. If you have been tuning in for a while now. Thank you so much for making this a part of your week. In last week's episode, we talked about what happens when you fix the physical parts of midlife.

Your hormones are balanced, you're lifting heavy weights, you're sleeping better, you've, you're drinking the water. You're cutting down on or maybe completely cut out the wine that you're drinking. [00:02:00] So you've checked all of the boxes to feel better physically, but something still feels a little off.

You've addressed all of the physical parts of menopause and midlife, but you still don't feel like yourself because. You've only focused on the physical parts when so much of the real change that is needed is on the internal, on the inside, reprogramming some of the stories that we're telling ourselves or questioning the conditioning that we've always accepted as fact, changing the way we think about ourselves and our lives.

I'm not aware of many or any, for that matter, other people talking about this work in midlife. If you haven't already listened to last week's episode, make sure you go back and take a listen. It's, it's so worth your time. I, I bet that it will absolutely change your perspective on midlife. One listener even [00:03:00] messaged me after listening to last week's episode.

I know I've said it, but I absolutely love it when you DM me on Instagram or you email me or send me a text. Just let me know that something. Made you think or something you have a question about or whatever, just reach out to me because podcasting is a one-way conversation. I talk into this microphone and a lot of times I wonder if anyone is even out there listening on the other end.

So will you just do me a favor and reach out every now and then? Let's turn this into a conversation. I would love that so much.

Anyway, a listener messaged me after listening to last week's episode and she said, I've been reflecting back on my life and all of the desires to perform. I wonder if this is the first time ever that I have really felt like myself.

Talk about foreshadowing, because that's exactly what this episode is about.

When you've addressed the physical, and you've even [00:04:00] started some of the inner work too. You've, you've, you've been unpacking the stories and boundaries and beliefs and, and it's helping for sure. But then there's this strange feeling that starts to creep in where you, you just don't feel like you're. Old self, old self and quotation marks there and air quotes. And maybe just, maybe that's because you were never really her to begin with.

So what do you do when the woman you've worked so hard to become turns out to be a carefully constructed survival persona?

But what if that isn't you at all? That's just someone that you needed to be, to show up in the world to succeed?

That's what we're talking about today. So let's dive in. Let's begin with something subtle but important, the difference between high achieving and high performing. I know I have used the terms [00:05:00] interchangeably over the years, but I have been very specific and intentional about moving to using the term high achieving in air quotes

when I talk about the women we work with at the School of Midlife, not because they're not also high performers, but because of a subtle distinction on how they're motivated and the conditioning that most of us are working through in midlife to figure out who we really are and who we're becoming.

So let's start there.

High achieving is what many of us have done our whole lives, right? High achieving is often outcome oriented, goal-driven, and externally validated. Think about it. We chase grades and accolades and promotions. We hit targets.

We earned degrees, we climbed the ladder, we checked the boxes. This all sounds familiar, right? We got really good at producing, at executing, performing our worth was actually tied with what [00:06:00] we did. And let's be honest, it worked. At least it worked on the surface. 

High performing is different than high achieving. High performing is intentional. It's values driven. It's internally aligned, so different, right? It's about working from a grounded place rather than towards something external like validation or applause or approval. High performing is not about checking boxes. 

It's about honoring your personal energy, your truth, your pace. It's about creating success on your terms, not someone else's, and that's the difference.

It's subtle. Can you tell the difference? One is about looking good on paper, the other is about feeling good. In your bones, in your body, in your own life.

The problem is for many of us, especially those of us who worked in male [00:07:00] dominated industries, is that we've been trained to achieve in order to survive because showing emotion was interpreted as weakness or volatility. And vulnerability. Well, that was out of the question. Can anyone relate to that?

I mean, I have such vivid memories of sitting in my boss's office, Discussing a project that didn't go as well as we'd hoped, or reading through some reviews or, I don't remember the constructive feedback I was being given because I was so focused on keeping it all together, thinking over and over again to myself. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Right?

Because as high achieving women, we weren't allowed to be emotional or we'd be labeled as unhinged. Or unreliable. Or they think we can't be trusted when the stakes are high, which is complete bullshit of course.

But if you've ever been in that situation, you [00:08:00] know I'm right.

We didn't wanna be told, you are too emotional. So we armored up. We got really tough. We tamped down any softness or anything that looked like vulnerability.

Only then to be told, you are too ambitious. So then we softened up those edges. We tried to hide that ambition because we didn't wanna be branded as cold or heartless or uncaring or, or a bitch.

We needed to be twice as good to be considered half as capable. Think about that twice as good to be considered, half as capable. You know, I'm right about that.

Let me ask you this. How many times were you the most prepared person in a meeting? How many times did you offer up an idea or a suggestion or opinion, which was ignored? Only to have a male colleague say the exact same thing? Well in simpler or dumber terms, but that man [00:09:00] was then lauded. Applauded. Just that is the best thing we've ever heard. Oh my god. Complete genius. Right?

That's something I experienced over and over again in my professional life, and I'm sure you have too. We did it. We had to do all of it. We overperformed, we became exceptional, but it oftentimes meant abandoning the softer parts of ourselves. Our creativity, our intuition, our joy, and what I hear from so many midlife women is this, I'm exhausted. I don't know how to not be in go mode. I'm tired of performing, but I'm also scared of who I am without it.

And that brings me to a really important point, is we built this persona to be accepted and not just accepted, but to also be safe, to be taken seriously, to be seen, to be [00:10:00] respected, maybe even to be loved.

So many of us shaped ourselves to fit the mold. We became who we believed we had to be in order to succeed, to be liked, to belong. And then we were praised for it. You are amazing under pressure. You always figure it out. You're a fricking machine, you just never stop.

And if you're someone who thrives on external validation, that praising, well, that's a dopamine hit that you just keep chasing.

But at what cost? We performed in all the roles that we thought would earn us respect and validation and acceptance. And here's the thing, when you build your life around being what others need you to be, you start to forget who you are. If you ever even knew, if you ever gave yourself the chance to actually figure that out.

And now in [00:11:00] midlife, you're waking up to this realization that, yes, absolutely the life I've built is impressive, but it doesn't feel aligned. It just doesn't feel like me. Because if you're feeling that way, it's because your life up until now has been built on a persona, even a really successful one.

And when that happens, even when you are really successful, it starts to feel a little hollow. That's when you start feeling like, I don't feel like myself. I feel like a stranger in my own life. And that is this identity reckoning that so many of us are having in midlife. We just don't feel like ourselves anymore, and that can bring up a ton of feelings, just so many complicated feelings of guilt and grief. Anxiety, identity, panic, right?

You [00:12:00] might be thinking, what if I don't even really know who I am? What if this whole life, this whole identity I've built isn't mine? That's not a breakdown. That's actually an awakening. Even. Even if they want us to believe that we're having a midlife crisis and that we don't know what we're talking about. We're going off the edge.

I'm telling you, it's not a breakdown. It is an opportunity and it's a really exciting one if, if you're willing to sit in the discomfort and get curious about it.

So what happens when the old you doesn't feel like you anymore? It's scary. I'm gonna be honest. It's scary because we've been that person for so long.

It's disorienting. It can almost feel like a free fall because for decades, Our identity and our worth has been tied to achievement and control and caretaking. So when those [00:13:00] things no longer line up, when they no longer resonate, we're left wondering, if I'm not that woman, then who am I? That feeling of detachment, the friction, the sense that your life no longer fits you?

It's not a crisis. It's not a crisis. They keep telling us it's a crisis, but it's not a crisis. It's a clue. It's your soul saying, Hey, there's more here. There's someone underneath all this performance who's ready to be seen.

If you're feeling lost or confused about who you really are, here's a reframe I want you to try on. What if you're not burned out, you are just becoming someone new. You can ask yourself:

Who would I be if no one was watching?

What am I holding onto that no longer fits?

Am I still living a [00:14:00] performance? Or am I living a life that is fully aligned?

Because this is where things get real. This, that right here.

This is the invitation of midlife. It's not necessarily about reinvention, it's more about reclamation, reclaiming, claiming who you are now. Claiming who you are, maybe for the first time ever.

 Let me ask you something. When was the last time you stepped away from your life to actually focus on your life? No emails, no group texts, no one asking, what's for dinner? Just space. Just time for you.

If one day sounds like a dream, imagine what an entire weekend could do. 

I am inviting you to join me for the next Best Life Retreat in breathtaking Sun Valley, Idaho, a luxurious, intimate escape, designed specifically for midlife women like you .

We will spend the weekend diving into powerful group coaching sessions that help [00:15:00] you reconnect with who you are, what you want, and what your best life looks like right now. And between those breakthroughs, you'll enjoy sunrise hikes, spa treatments, gourmet meals, curated cocktails, and the best gift bag you've ever seen.

This isn't a vacation, it is a turning point. One woman has even described the weekend as: that retreat changed my life. Space is limited to just eight women, and when the spots are gone, they're gone. So if you're craving some space, clarity, connection, and maybe even a little magic, click the link in the show notes and grab your seat right now. And I'll see you in Sun Valley .

So what do we do with that, with this identity shift? This is where I just wanna mention something new, a new tool that I am bringing into my coaching and it's human design.

Yep. I'm becoming certified as a human design coach, and I'm super psyched about it. I'll just say that I've been aware of human design for a couple of years [00:16:00] now, and look, I, I poo-pooed as astrology craziness, as whacked out pseudoscience. But in studying it, I'm finding that's not what it is at all.

And this is coming from me, a complete skeptic with a very logical brain. And that may be, if I'm thinking about it, that might be why I love human design so much because it's an energetic blueprint. It's not another personality test. And most importantly for the work here at the School of Midlife, human Design reveals who you were before the world told you who you had to be.

Yeah, that's what makes it so different from tools like Myers-Briggs or Strength Finders or DISC, all of which I've used and found super helpful in their own way. But here's the thing, those personality tests, they all rely on your conditioned [00:17:00] mind to answer the questions.

So think about it. If you've always believed you had to hustle and achieve to be worthy, you're gonna answer the questions that are given to you accordingly. Because when you are a high achiever, your answers will always reflect what you've been trained to value. Make sense? Right?

I mean, think about it. You take the test, the results come out, oh, I'm an achiever, an activator, a competitor. That must mean I need to work harder. If those are my strengths on Strengths Finders, watch me live into that belief. It becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm gonna achieve, I'm gonna be an activator, I'm gonna compete, right?

I, I will live into that. I, I, my brain told me that's who I think I am. The test confirmed it, watch me go. And that's the difference with human design because human design cuts through that. It gets underneath the conditioning. It doesn't show you who you think you [00:18:00] are. It shows you who you actually are underneath the layers of proving and pleasing and performing.

It's why I think human design is going to be such a powerful tool for midlife women because it reconnects us with ourselves, not the identity we've curated to survive. It's not telling us about who we are. It's about showing us how our energy naturally operates when we are operating in alignment with it.

I'm not exactly sure how I will use human design in the coaching, but I'm thinking about using it to help women reconnect with their true nature, to understand how they're supposed to make decisions, to unpack and release misaligned or roles that aren't serving them that they've adopted over the years. Basically feel more like themselves, not because they've [00:19:00] changed, but because they're finally living as authentically as themselves as possible.

I'll be talking a lot more about human design once I become fully certified in it. But I'm not studying it just to read a body graph or a chart, which is what most human design people do. I'm studying it because I wanna help you use it in your own life to become the fullest expression of who you were meant to be.

And if, if that sounds a little woowoo for you. 'cause, 'cause I'll admittedly it did for me in the beginning, but if that sounds a little woowoo for you, then good. Bring that healthy skepticism with you and I'll show you how understanding your unique human design will do way more for you in becoming the woman you were always meant to be, than all of the overperforming and the conditioning and the validation seeking. There'll, there'll be a lot more, uh, to come on that in the months to come.

But back, back to today. So now that you're waking up to [00:20:00] this truth, now that you're seeing the cracks in the old identity, the ones that aren't serving you anymore, What are you gonna do with that awareness? Because I'm telling you, you're at a choice point. You're doing the work, you're reconnecting with your body, your mind, your spirit. You're starting to feel the stirrings of something. New's different, but it feels kind of honest, right?

It feels real. You can probably feel a little bit of a shift inside of you. You know on some level that there's more for you out there. So the question is, what will you do with this new you? Because here are your choices, and I'm sure there are more, but here are the three that come to mind.

Number one, you can stuff it down, stuff that down, and keep pretending that you're fine. Wow, that word fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. So you can stuff it down, or you can [00:21:00] ignore it. You can keep grinding away. Keep hustling. Stay in the grind, keep doing more work, expecting to feel something different. You know, that doesn't work. We've talked about that a lot on the podcast in the past. Working harder at the exact same thing does not create different results. You wanna feel differently. You have to be different. You have to act differently. You have to show up differently.

So you can stuff it down, number one. Number two, you can ignore it.

Number three, you can decide that you're gonna become her. This version of you that's emerging. The one that feels the most like you, maybe for the first time ever, the one who steps forward when you strip off the conditioning and expectations and approval seeking. The one who represents the you you've always been, but never had the chance to be.

Wow. That just gives me [00:22:00] chills. The one who represents the you you've always been, but never until right now had the chance to be.

That's the invitation. That's what you can do. That's your opportunity right now.

You can keep chasing success by someone else's definition, or you can start living a life that feels like you. Your life on your terms because her the one you're becoming, she's the one who doesn't need to perform to prove her value. She knows she's valuable because she's living her truth.

If you are ready to explore this, here are a couple of questions to sit with this week, so take out your journal, write them down. Do a voice memo to yourself so that you can remember them. However it is that you take this information. These are the questions I want you to think about this week:

When did I first learn that [00:23:00] being high achieving made me valuable?

What parts of me have I suppressed to succeed or fit in?

What does alignment feel like in my body?

When do I feel most like myself?

And finally, what would I do differently if I trusted who I was becoming?

And as always, if you want any support as you navigate this work, answer these questions for yourself, DM me the word BECOMING on Instagram, or email me with that subject line and let's start a conversation.

At the end of the day, what I'm telling you is midlife isn't a crisis. It's not a breakdown. It's an opportunity. It's clarity and that clarity. It's a gift if you're willing to listen to it. You are at a point in your life right now because you're listening to this podcast. You're doing this work, you're asking these [00:24:00] questions.

You're at a point right now where you can decide, am I going to keep living the way that I have always lived? Or am I going to step forward in a, in something that might feel uncomfortable because you haven't been there before? But am I going to take some steps in my life to finally become the woman I was always meant to be?

The woman who strips away the conditioning, the woman who doesn't look outside of herself for approval, the one who values her intuition and her inner voice above all else. The one who finally feels like herself, even if she never felt that way before. Because this midlife experiment, this midlife gift, this midlife opportunity that's about becoming who you really are, maybe for the first time ever.

Thank you so much for being here today. [00:25:00] If this episode made you think or made you feel or made you breathe a little deeper, I'd be so honored if you'd share it with a woman in your life who might need to hear it. Because at the School of Midlife, we are, we're on a mission to give women everywhere the tools and the information and the support to become the very best version of themselves to make midlife and beyond their best life, and we simply could not do it without you. So I'm so grateful that you're here. Would you please help me share the message by sharing this episode with a friend or two or 20? That would be great.

And I'll see you next week when the School of Midlife is back in session.

Until then, take good care.

 Thank you so much for listening to the School of Midlife podcast. It means so much to have you here each week. If you enjoyed this episode, could you do me the biggest favor and help us spread the word to other midlife women? [00:26:00] There are a couple of easy ways for you to do that first. And most importantly, if you're not already following the show, would you please subscribe? That helps you because you'll never miss an episode. And it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. Second, if you'd be so kind to leave us a five-star rating, that would be absolutely incredible. And finally, I personally read each and every one of your reviews. 

So if you take a minute and say some nice things about the podcast, well, that's just good karma. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you right back here. Next week when the School of Midlife is back in session until then take good care.