122. Stop Performing, Start Becoming: Your Midlife Declaration of Freedom

🎙️ Show Notes

It’s Independence Day week — but we’re not just talking about parades, bunting, and flag cakes here. In this episode, we’re flipping the script on “freedom” and asking: What does independence mean for YOU right now in midlife?

Because let’s be honest — the world feels heavy right now. Freedoms and rights feel under threat. And while we can’t control every headline, we can take radical responsibility for what we’re no longer available for in our own lives.

In this bold, heartfelt episode, Laurie gets real about:

• The messy state of freedom in America right now (no, you’re not imagining it)
• Why midlife is the moment to declare independence from roles, rules, and work that no longer fit
• How you can break free from people-pleasing, old identities, burnout, and that exhausting “someday” lie
• The 4 biggest areas midlife women need to reclaim freedom — starting now

You’ll walk away feeling inspired, clear, and ready to ask: What do I need to declare independence from this year?

What You’ll Learn

• Why “performing success” leaves you feeling empty — and what to do instead
• The invisible roles (Fixer, Overachiever, Peacekeeper, Julie McCoy) that keep you stuck
• How to release guilt for wanting more
• The difference between “freedom from” and “freedom to”
• How living your best life boldly gives other women permission to do the same

Links & Resources

• DM “INDEPENDENCE” to @schoolofmidlife or email Laurie here to share what you’re declaring freedom from this year
• Want to join the Best Life Retreat and step away to get clear on your next chapter? Grab your spot here (only 8 spots available!)
• Share this episode with another midlife woman who’s done tolerating and ready to become more herself than ever before

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Transcript

[00:00:00] In today's episode of The School of Midlife Podcast, we're talking about declaring independence, not the 4th of July kind, the high achieving midlife woman kind. Let's dive in.

Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson.

This is the podcast for the midlife woman who starting to ask herself big life questions. Like, what do I want? Is it too late for me? And what's my legacy beyond my family and my work. Each week we're answering these questions and more. At the School of Midlife, we're learning all of the life lessons they didn't teach us in school and we're figuring out finally what it is we want to be when we grow up. Let's make midlife your best life. 

Well, hey friends. Welcome back to another episode of The School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson. I am a coach for high achieving midlife [00:01:00] women who are looking to make midlife and beyond their very best life. I am also the founder of the School of Midlife, and today's episode is dropping just before the 4th of July.

Holiday. It's a holiday week. If you are watching the video, then you know that I'm not in my normal office. I'm working from what I like to call the mountain office, mountain office and air quotes there, which is our home in Sun Valley, and the weather is perfect. I love being able to pick up and just work from anywhere in the world.

And let me just say that that didn't just happen. Just like I coach my, all of my clients to figure out what they actually want. Being able to work remotely is something I absolutely want. Did I walk away from a handsome salary and partnership at a law firm because I wanted more freedom in my work life?

Yes. Yep. I actually did. You bet I did. Because living the way I want to live is so much more important to me than my job title or the amount of [00:02:00] zeros on my paycheck. Now, having said that, if you are watching the video, you know that the camera isn't quite as good as when I'm in my normal studio, but hopefully the audio is great and, um, it just, it is what it is. We're School of Midlife on the road this week, and, and that's okay.

I will say normally this episode at the end of June, the beginning of July, is typically, if I look back in the last couple of years, it's all about, you know, a summer bucket list and eking out all of the special moments that make summer, summer every year.

Because let's face it as, as of the week this episode drops, There are nine weekends left until Labor Day. Isn't that bananas? That's it. Nine weekends, which means all of that summer, goodness, every year, it just goes by so fast. And while usually this episode [00:03:00] would be about making this your best summer yet, which I completely stand behind, um, this year, it feels a little different to me.

And I wanna talk about it because Summer, absolutely my favorite season. I love everything about it. I love a good parade. I mean, it's the 4th of July. I love a good parade. I love bunting. But I'd also be lying if I said I was in full celebration mode right now. Um. Summer's great. I love it.

I absolutely love it. It is my favorite season. Sunny mornings, long evenings, outdoor concerts, hometown rodeos, eating salad for dinner every night and feeling good about it. But summer It feels like relaxation and vacation and possibility all the time. It's, it's three months, essentially[00:04:00] 

of relaxation and vacation and possibility and. At the beginning of summer, the 4th of July, always been one of my favorite holidays. I love the parades. I love the fireworks, the bunting. I mean, I love bunting. If you've ever seen our house around this time of the year, then you know we go a little hard. Um, and it's because we used to have a much bigger yard and now Mike still puts up all of the bunting that we own around our tiny little courtyard outside.

So it kind of looks like the whistle stop. Cafe married a flag factory. It's ridiculous. It's over the top, but I still kind of love it.

Um, I will say though, that even with the red, white, and blue everywhere this year, for me, something feels a little off. It just feels like independence feels a little [00:05:00] more complicated this year, doesn't it?

I mean, this year certainly feels a little heavier. It, it feels a lot like chaos. It's like every time I get a ding of breaking news from Apple News, it startles to me it's, it's like, Jesus, what, what now, what could possibly be going on now? And of course it's something that I absolutely would never have imagined, and it just feels like it adds to the dumpster fire of everything else that's going on in the world.

So yes, I absolutely realize that it's an understatement to say that there's a lot going on in the world right now. It's absolutely exhausting to try and keep up with it all. I feel like, and, and see if you feel this way too, but I feel like my attention is being pulled in so many directions right now.

I'm guessing that you feel it too, but maybe I'm the only one. I don't know. Given my comments on Instagram posts, I think I'm not the only one though. And it's, it's made me think, [00:06:00] it's made me really spend some time thinking about what does independence mean this week. And we're, we're getting ready to celebrate freedom and independence, and how can we do that when it almost feels like we're watching them slowly get completely chipped away?

And for me, when it came time to record this episode, it felt like I, I can't be talking about a summer bucket list. And I, because just, it's too hard pretending that. Everything is fine in the world when clearly it's not that way.

I don't use this podcast as a political platform if you've been around here for a while, you know that's true, and I don't use it as a political platform, not because I don't care, but because this space has always been about you, [00:07:00] your clarity, your joy, your reclamation of a life that feels aligned and authentic to you.

But when the foundation feels this shaky, I feel like we have to name it. Sure. I mean, I could absolutely talk to you today about limiting beliefs or morning routines or hormone replacement theory, those typical midlife topics, but to me that feels a little tone deaf. Of course, those things are important absolutely to creating and living your best life and midlife and beyond. But living your best life also includes understanding and navigating what's going on around you and putting all of that in context.

I mean, just think about it, at the time this podcast drops, we're seeing things that should disturb all of us, regardless of which side of the political aisle, spectrum, wherever you fall, whichever letter you typically vote for, [00:08:00] what is going on, what we're seeing, it should disturb us.

I don't know what will happen between now and when you actually hear this message, but right now our elected officials in Congress, are threatening to kick 16 million people off of Medicaid. So that means 16 million people, the majority of which are children and seniors will no longer have healthcare. And if you think that doesn't apply to you, it probably applies to your parents or your grandparents, or.

Even if you don't have anybody who is on Medicaid right now, think about it this way, without that federal funding for those kind of healthcare services, health clinics are gonna, they'll have to close their doors. The hospitals will have to close their doors. And that we're seeing that in Idaho already. It's very real. [00:09:00] It's happening. 16 million people is a lot of people and those are the ones that are just directly impacted by it. The rest of us will be tangentially impacted by it in some way.

And then of course we've got ICE detaining people without identifying themselves. They the deport these people that they're, they're arresting without due process.

I mean, literally men in masks are jumping out of unmarked cars, not showing their id, grabbing people. There was a time in this country when that would be deeply disturbing. We'd assume that the men jumping out of the vans were themselves the criminals. And, and now we're just supposed to believe that they're doing their jobs and we should just back off and let them do them. Who actually knows?

But I do know as a former attorney who, who never practiced criminal law, but had to study it to pass [00:10:00] classes in law school and to get my license, I had to know constitutional law to, to pass the bar. We can't just deport people without due process. It doesn't say only citizens are afforded due process. It's says anyone in the country gets due process. You get the opportunity to go in front of a judge and state your case because what happens if they grab the wrong person? It's not gonna matter to you that you were born in the US, that you are a citizen if you don't have that ability to state your case. And that's what we're seeing, that that's the piece that isn't happening. And that's, in my opinion, that's problematic.

Then of course we've got, the National Guard has been deployed to cities, not to protect citizens, but to detain peaceful protestors. That is a right unequivocally [00:11:00] guaranteed by the US Constitution. That's what makes the US this incredible country is that we can protest peacefully. We should not have the National Guard deployed against US citizens. That is not something we should stand for in this country.

A speaker of the house in Minnesota and her husband and their dog were assassinated in their home while they slept by someone dressed as a police officer. Another state lesiglator and his wife were shot multiple times. And it's just, it's become just a blip in the news cycle. I mean, that is something we should be deeply, we should find deeply disturbing.

And like I said, it received almost no airtime. In fact, members of the US Congress took to social media to comment on the situation in very infantile terms. Bad. We shouldn't stand [00:12:00] for that from our elected officials. Um, we should hold them to a higher standard and we should value all lives regardless of is that person a Democrat or a republican?

I mean, this is all on top of the increased global tension, Israel, Iran, it everywhere. There's a lot going on that makes the world feel unsteady at best.

In addition to that, let's not forget the very real, very personal impact of watching our rights Get slowly chipped away, especially if you're a woman. I mean, in some states, you or one of your daughters may end up on life support to prematurely birth a baby. Okay. Even if the mother of that child is legally brain dead, even when her family is fighting to have life support measures removed so that she can die [00:13:00] with dignity. I absolutely still cannot get my head around that one.

Sure, I completely understand that we can't fix all of this today or this week, and we certainly can't do it all on our own. But we can no longer pretend that everything is fine either. I think about What about empathy? We used to have that. What about doing unto others as you would have do unto you? What about taking care of those with fewer means with dignity and respect? What about the promise of the American dream? I know these all sound like platitudes, but man, they used to mean something in this country. And I just can't pretend during this week of celebrating freedom and independence that. They that that's current, the current status of where we are, because it's just not.

I personally saw and reposted a meme over the weekend that said, when you say I don't get political, [00:14:00] that translates to, this isn't hurting me yet, and I don't care that it's hurting you.

This country didn't use to be that way. And, and yes, I understand I'm showing my privilege here, but it felt like there used to be a collective desire to take care of those around us, even if they had different political opinions than we did. But now it's so divided. If you're a Democrat, you're a raving woke libtard socialist. And if you're a Republican, you're a racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, MAGAT.

It. It's become this zero sum game where there can only be winners and losers. What happened to reaching across the aisle? What happened to discourse? What happened? Do you remember when you could actually have a conversation with someone who had a different opinion than you? A conversation that you approached with curiosity to learn more. Not one where you wanted to [00:15:00] plant a flag, and not move away from it at any cost, even if it turned out that you were wrong or that your opinion had changed, none of that's happening anymore.

Which is why I want to offer a different kind of Independence Day message this year. One that's less about bunting and flag cakes and fireworks and, and one that's more about freedom that starts from the inside out. I wanna reframe Independence Day for you, not just as a national holiday, but as a deeply personal check-in.

We're gonna talk about what does independence mean to you right now in midlife? What have you been living under and what do you need to declare your independence from? I promise this this episode isn't gonna be about politics. I've got that outta my system. This episode is gonna be about personal power agency and declaring your [00:16:00] own kind of independence in a world that feels increasingly out of control. So let's dive in.

As you know, the historical story of Independence Day is about the US a nation declaring freedom from external rule from the British monarchy. And that's what we're gonna celebrate at the end of the week.

In this conversation, I wanna talk about what independence looks like in your life right now, in this season. I wanna walk you through a few things that you might consider declaring independence from. Not because it's easy, but because it's essential.

So let's start with this. It seems that the definition of independence changes in midlife. And that comes from years of my own personal working with midlife women.

When we talk about independence in midlife, it doesn't just mean freedom from a government or a monarchy, although it can sometimes feel like that, especially when women's rights feel particularly targeted right now. [00:17:00] Of course, maybe I'm experiencing more of it and it's more in my face because I live in very red Idaho, one of the first handful of states that had an immediate trigger statute on the books when Dobbs fell.

But instead of freedom from government, independence and midlife means finally breaking free from those invisible constraints, those contracts that we've signed with society, with other people and with ourselves. Which is to say independence and midlife isn't just about freedom from all of the external things happening outside of us, it's freedom also from more internalized roles. Some internalized conditioning, some internalized expectations.

You wanna feel more alive and more like yourself in midlife? That starts with you deciding what you are no longer available for. [00:18:00] Because for so many midlife women, independence doesn't come from external systems. It comes from finally breaking free from all of the internalized expectations, roles and beliefs that have kept us playing small.

Here are a few ideas to start with. Let's see which ones hit home for you.

Number one, declare independence from other people's expectations. This is a big one, the one we're all tangled up in, whether we realize it or not, because for most of our lives we've been trained subtly or maybe not so subtly to please, to conform to succeed by playing the game on someone else's field with someone else's rules.

From the moment we were little girls, we learned to perform. Be agreeable, be polite. Be smart, but not too smart. Be thin, but not too thin. Be helpful. Be nice. Then we [00:19:00] grew up and the script kept playing, it didn't stop.

We were told to go to the right schools, marry the right person, have kids, or explain why we didn't. Climb the ladder. But don't be too ambitious. Take care of everyone, but don't complain. Don't age, and for the love of God, don't ever be too much.

But here's the truth, that might sting a little: living your life to please other people. That is the fastest route to resentment, burnout, and identity loss. That's when you get to midlife and feel like you are having a midlife crisis. Because you're living and have been living a life that's super successful, but doesn't feel like you. It's not really what you want out of life. Even when you have everything you always thought you ever wanted.

That was me for sure. [00:20:00] I had the big house with the fancy address. I was married to the super successful guy. I had a high powered award-winning career. I drove a German sports car. I had a designer handbag collection. I had a passport full of stamps.

I had everything I always thought I ever wanted, but it didn't feel like enough. I'd done everything that I was supposed to do to be successful. And I was, I was super successful, but I still felt like I was made for something more. And on the one hand, I'm feeling like I'm made for something more. On the other hand, I also know that I don't have any more time to devote to doing any more things because I was already so tired and exhausted and burned out.

It wasn't until I started asking myself some really tough questions and making some bold changes in my life, frankly, that many people in my life told me I was crazy to make. But once I started doing [00:21:00] that, my life finally felt aligned, which was a life that was good to me. Like I wasn't an imposter in my life anymore. That I wasn't just someone showing up in my own life.

If you can relate to feeling any of those things, and let me ask you something. Who are you still trying to impress? Or said a slightly different way? Whose approval are you still chasing and is that someone you actually even respect?

I know this should be obvious, but in case you need to hear it, if you don't respect the person you are trying to get the approval from, why do you even care about their opinion? Why are you giving them any time or any attention? Why are you living your life in a way to get their attention or approval or respect? [00:22:00] If it's someone you don't respect?

Look, absolutely no judgment here with these questions. These are, these are simply questions and answers, and there is no judgment around them.

We're just trying to get curious about our lives by asking ourselves some deeper, more profound, slightly more provocative questions. Who are you still trying to impress? Whose approval are you still chasing? And is that person someone you actually respect?

This isn't about cutting everyone off or moving to the woods and growing your own kale un, unless that's your dream, in which case completely go for it. You, you absolutely should do that.

It's more about asking yourself, what do I want? Who do I want to be? And then being brave enough to live in alignment with that truth, even if that makes other people [00:23:00] uncomfortable. Because guess what? You'll never be fully free if you're still living on someone else's terms.

It's the difference between asking yourself what will people think, and asking yourself, what do I actually want?

This is hard for us because we've been conditioned to care sometimes obsessively about what other people think.

We've been conditioned to be good, to be agreeable, to be responsible to not rock the boat. But my friends, at what cost? How many times have you said yes when you meant hell no? How often have you shaped your life around someone else's version of success, or stayed small just to keep someone else comfortable?

We've all done it. I know we have. We've done it pretty much our whole lives, and maybe just, maybe it's time to stop doing that. Only you know whether it's [00:24:00] worth it for you to declare your independence from the expectation of others.

Moving on, but related to number one is number two, declare independence from rules that you've outgrown. You know, the ones, the fixer, the overachiever, the peacekeeper, the emotional Sherpa, the one who always holds it all together.

Let's break those down because chances are you've worn more than one of those hats in your life. Maybe you're still even wearing one or two or more of them right now.

Let me ask you something. When was the last time you stepped away from your life to actually focus on your life? No emails, no group texts, no one asking, what's for dinner? Just space. Just time for you.

If one day sounds like a dream, imagine what an entire weekend could do. 

I am inviting you to join me for the next Best Life Retreat in breathtaking Sun Valley, Idaho, a luxurious, intimate escape, designed [00:25:00] specifically for midlife women like you .

We will spend the weekend diving into powerful group coaching sessions that help you reconnect with who you are, what you want, and what your best life looks like right now. And between those breakthroughs, you'll enjoy sunrise hikes, spa treatments, gourmet meals, curated cocktails, and the best gift bag you've ever seen.

This isn't a vacation, it is a turning point. One woman has even described the weekend as: that retreat changed my life. Space is limited to just eight women, and when the spots are gone, they're gone. So if you're craving some space, clarity, connection, and maybe even a little magic, click the link in the show notes and grab your seat right now. And I'll see you in Sun Valley .

number two, declare independence from rules that you've outgrown. Let's start with the fixer. This is the one who swoops in, puts out the fires, solves all the problems, [00:26:00] even those that weren't hers to begin with. She's the go-to person when everything falls apart, which means she's constantly carrying stress that doesn't belong to her. That's the whole, not my circus, not my monkeys, except she absolutely takes all of the monkeys of every single circus. Sounds like a woman saying, I'll just do it. It'll be faster, or, no, really, I don't mind. Even when you do mind or when you tell people, I've got this. That's the fixer.

The overachiever? She's the gold star chaser. She's climbed the ladder, she's checked every box. She's earned every accolade, but it's never enough. Her worth has been tied to her output, her productivity, and her performance for so long that she doesn't even know who she is anymore without the hustle. She literally feels guilty [00:27:00] when she rests. She doesn't trust ease in her life. She feels like she has to really push for things if they're important or meaningful. She's the one who says, i'll relax when this project is over, or it's just a busy season and I'll rest when it's over. But there is always another project and the busy season never ends.

Then there's the peacekeeper who sacrifices her own needs to keep the waters calm. She avoids conflict like it's her job. She's diplomatic, she's composed. She's always smiling, even when she's seething inside. She's the one who keeps the family from falling apart, even if it's breaking her in the process. She says things like it's not a big deal when she knows it absolutely is a big deal.

What about the emotional Sherpa? [00:28:00] She's the one who's quietly hauling the emotional baggage of everyone around her: her partner, her parents, her kids, her team at work. She absorbs it all. She carries the load. She anticipates what everyone needs even before they ask. She jumps in to help out even before anyone needs her help. She's absolutely exhausted, but when you ask her, she still says, I'm fine.

And then there's Julie McCoy, the one who holds it all together, and I absolutely understand that some women out there may have absolutely no idea who Julie McCoy is, but for my Gen X women, those of you who watched every episode of the Love Boat on Saturday night, you know Julie, and you probably also know that there will be shuffleboard on the Lido deck at three o'clock.

Julie's the calendar keeper, she's the life organizer, the behind the scenes glue maker, making sure the machine runs smoothly. She doesn't ask for [00:29:00] help. She just gets it done. But at some point she looks around and she realizes no one is helping her. Like there's no one behind her carrying her load. She's got it all. Her hands are completely full.

Whether you can relate to the Fixer or the overachiever, or the Peacekeeper, or the Emotional Sherpa or the Julie McCoy, know that whatever role you might have played in the past, there gets to be a point where you need to let those roles go. They, they served you at one point in your life, maybe through a large portion of your life, because you wouldn't have adopted those persona if they didn't do something for you.

In some cases, they helped you survive. They helped you succeed. They helped you feel important and valued and worthy and needed. But now? They're the very things that are keeping you [00:30:00] stuck and feeling burnt out and maybe resentful. And certainly not feeling like yourself. If that's the case, it's time to let them go because here's the truth: you're not just the roles you've played. You're not just the responsibilities you've carried. You are allowed to evolve. You're supposed to evolve, which also means you are allowed to change and you're supposed to change.

And if that means disappointing a few people who benefited from your old identity, that's okay. Because the role you haven't played yet, the one that's waiting for you right now is the role of a woman who belongs fully to herself. The midlife woman who is living her best life for her herself in midlife and beyond. A woman who chooses herself without apology, who trusts her intuition, who doesn't [00:31:00] hustle for worth anymore. Who lets things fall apart if they need to. Who stops pretending she's fine when she's not. That's the kind of independence I want for you.

The third type of independence, declaring independence from work that drains you. This one hits hard for so many of the high achieving women I coach because some of us are not just stuck in jobs. We're stuck in identities that we built around our careers.

If you're anything like me, you spent years, decades, maybe climbing the ladder. Proving yourself. You got the degree, you built the resume, you wore the blazer, you played the game, and somewhere along the line, your job became more than a job. It became your worth. Until it didn't work for you anymore.

Because now maybe it feels off. You're making the money. You've got the title, but it [00:32:00] doesn't fill you up. It feels a little hollow. Those meetings? Soul sucking. The calendar? Relentless. And you might even find yourself lying to yourself every Sunday night with just need to get through this week. How many weeks in a row have you said that to yourself?

So let me say this plainly. Any success that requires you to abandon yourself is not success. Because if there is one thing I know for sure it's that you can be wildly successful on paper and still feel empty inside.

That was me. I mean, I almost threw my shoulder out, raising my hand in the air on that one because I was so successful at work and so unfulfilled and unhappy at my job. And that unfulfillment and unhappiness? Well, that has a way of spilling over into every other [00:33:00] aspect of your life. I know it did for me. Like I wanted to walk away. I wanted a do over on my life. I wanted a chance to press the reset button and start completely over.

So believe me when I say I understand it when you've been chasing the next title, the next raise the Next Gold Star. Only to get there, and still feel like it's not enough. That's not a sign of failure, but it is a sign. A sign that you are more than your job title or your achievements. That you're more than the work that's draining you. And maybe, maybe that it's time to declare your independence from that work , even when that work is important and it comes with a certain caché and a big paycheck. Because for me, what I had to learn for myself is that success that costs you your wellbeing, [00:34:00] your peace, your soul, your life outside of the office, that success is too damn expensive.

It just occurred to me that number three could also be a declaration of independence from the "someday" lie we keep telling ourselves, and that's this idea that we always have more time to live the life we want after we retire. Like we, we have to keep putting in the time and the reps and we'll finally be rewarded with a long retirement. And then, then we can do what we actually love. Finally figure out how we wanna spend our days, and in the meantime, we buckle down and we're committed to keep doing this work that's quietly draining the life out of us.

Because it's expected of us. Because that's what our parents did. Because that's what we see modeled by pretty much everyone around us.

But let's be honest, so many of [00:35:00] us are quietly suffocating in roles that no longer fit. We feel guilty because we should be so grateful for our life we gaslight ourselves into staying put because, uh, other people have it so much worse than I do. We tell ourselves that we'll quit when the kids are grown or when the stock options vest or when things slow down.

But you know, this. Things never slow down. We just keep moving the goalposts. So what would it look like if you declared your independence from that Hustle for worth system?

It doesn't mean walking in and quitting tomorrow. Un unless you want to. Then I'll, I'll hold the door. I've done it myself. I know how that feels. It's very liberating. And then there's also the, holy shit, what do I do now? Kind of moment.

But you don't have to walk in and quit tomorrow. [00:36:00] But you do need to ask yourself, what do I want my work to feel like? What impact do I want to make now, not 10 years from now? What kind of career serves the woman I am today? Not the career that served the woman I was at 30 when I started climbing that ladder in earnest, and certainly not the woman I was at 18 or 20 when I had to pick a major.

That's also another side note for another day, but how is it that we expect women at 18 or 20 to figure out what they wanna do for the rest of their life when most of us are still figuring out who we are? And, and that journey continues well into our thirties and forties and fifties. Yeah, we'll, we'll talk about that some other time.

But what I'm saying is you're not [00:37:00] required to sacrifice your wellbeing for your LinkedIn profile. Independence means giving yourself permission to stop performing success. You can start defining success on your own terms. That sounds pretty refreshing, doesn't it?

Number four what about declaring independence from guilt? This one deserves some space because it's sneaky. I mean, it's not like relationships that are holding you back or roles that you've played, or even a job that's, that's sucking the life out of you.

Guilt is this background hum of midlife for a lot of women. It's so subtle. But it's, it's ever present and quietly corrosive. Think about it when you think about guilt. Guilt [00:38:00] for wanting more, guilt for needing rest, guilt for saying no. Guilt for spending money on things that are just for you.

As women, we've been taught that being selfless is a virtue. That martyrdom is noble. Sacrifice the self for the good of everyone around us. Which means we've been literally conditioned to feel guilty for wanting more, even when we're grateful for what we already have.

We feel guilty for taking a break. Guilty for hiring help. Guilty for dreaming bigger. Guilty for not doing enough even when we're already doing way more than most human beings can reasonably handle. But guilt shouldn't be driving the boat here and feeling bad isn't the same thing as doing something wrong.

Here's what I know. When women stop feeling guilty for choosing [00:39:00] themselves, they start creating lives that actually feel good to live.

So what if just for the summer we will start small? So you got nine more weeks just for the summer, you stopped apologizing for wanting rest or taking up space. Or saying no, or changing your mind or letting something go that used to fit you but just doesn't anymore.

What if for the next nine weeks for the rest of summer, you trusted your own personal joy and happiness and fulfillment, that, uh, joy, happiness, fulfillment, those, those shouldn't be too much to ask, should they? I mean, they're not burdens. W what if you quit thinking about those feelings as something else to add to your to-do list? Like, yes, I want personal joy, I want fulfillment. I want [00:40:00] happiness. I, I better add those to my to-do list to figure out how to get them, how to do them.

And if we're not adding them to our to-do list, then it seems like we're delaying them until someday or when the time is right or when the time is perfect.

What if, instead of adding them to the to-do list or delaying them until some point in the future, what if we used joy and happiness and fulfillment as as our own personal guides, which help us move in the direction that feels most aligned to us?

What if we did that just for the summer, even if we're someone who feels guilty, who usually feels guilty about taking time for ourselves? I know that we all wanna be helpful for others. So let's think about it this way. Isn't it possible? Just go with me here. [00:41:00] But isn't it possible that you living your life without shame or guilt for the next nine weeks, we're gonna start small?

Isn't it possible that that might be just the thing that gives another woman the courage to do the same? Right. What if you living your best life is the most powerful way to model what's possible for the women around you? Not taking on more things, not delaying your own personal happiness and fulfillment, but modeling what's possible for them because you went first.

Because I don't know about you, but I don't feel like we need more midlife martyrs. We don't need more women who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the comfort and benefit of everyone around them. That's what we saw our mothers and grandmothers do. That's the behavior that was modeled for us. [00:42:00] The the world was different then. The expectations of what a woman should do at home and at the office wildly different.

So while those patterns of self-sacrifice may have worked for them, they're not working for us. We don't need more midlife martyrs. We need more midlife women who are really fully alive and aligned and living their best lives.

Which means you don't have to earn the rest or feel guilty about resting. You don't have to feel guilty about chasing pleasure or happiness or feeling guilty about experiencing personal joy. You are a loud to live fully loudly, unapologetically yourself right now. Maybe especially now. Because you may not be able to control the dumpster fire of the world, what's going on around us, but you can absolutely control [00:43:00] how you are choosing to live and reacting to your immediate surroundings.

And let me just say, I completely understand the emotional dissonance of watching National Freedoms erode while simultaneously trying to claim our own personal freedom. I get it, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't still focus on yourself and what you can personally control. That's the sea change we never knew we needed.

Imagine how your life, your community, your world could change if you declared independence from the things in your life that were no longer serving you. And then think about what would happen if every woman around you did the same. Amazing, right?

We could be living in a completely different world. We could get to, I mean, maybe the end of the summer is in nine weeks if everyone did that, if everyone stepped [00:44:00] up and, and actually lived a life that was meaningful and fully aligned with themselves, and they declared independence from the other things that weren't working for them? Things can be radically different in a very short amount of time That. Radical, I'm telling you.

So let's talk about what independence can look like. And when I talk about independence, I'm not talking about a flag, not in a history book, but in your own real lived life.

It might look like saying no without guilt or explanation. Just say no.

It might look like taking some time off. Without needing to justify it, I, I just need to go lay down and I don't have to have an excuse because I didn't sleep well or have been burning the candle at both ends. Maybe I just wanna take some time off for myself and I don't have to give anybody an excuse and I don't need to justify it.[00:45:00] 

It could also look like having the hard conversations that you've been avoiding and telling the truth about what's no longer working for you.

It could look like letting yourself change your mind, having a different opinion. Do something different because it feels right to you now, even if it didn't before. Because you've got the ability to change your own mind to make a different decision. To decide that something new or different serves you better.

It could look like choosing a life that feels good on the inside, even if it makes zero sense to anyone on the outside.

These might sound like radical acts, but I'm telling you they're not and, and you wouldn't think they were radical if your friends were doing them right. If, if your friends were saying no or taking [00:46:00] time for themselves or having hard conversations, you would absolutely be cheering for them because they were doing what felt right to them. But they feel radical to you because you think you should be held to some higher, more impossible standard.

But these are simple things. They, they may not be easy, but they're simple. They're not radical, but they can be revolutionary, especially for those of us who have spent all of our time up until now doing all the things for all the people around us.

So this week, as you're grilling and celebrating and maybe wearing that new flag sweater that you bought. If you get my newsletter, you know what I'm talking about. I finally broke down this year after coveting those, those great Navy blue flag sweaters every year on the 4th of July. Every year I've forgotten to order one. And I see them and I'm like, oh, I gotta get one of those. Well, I got one this year and I'm very excited to wear it.

So [00:47:00] as maybe you're also wearing your new flag sweater this week. What if you, what if you took a moment to pause? Took a moment to ask yourself, what do I need to declare independence from this year? What have I been tolerating? What have I outgrown? What no longer fits the woman I'm becoming?

Because you already know this, but you get one shot at this life. And while we can't fix everything happening in the world, we can take back our own personal power. We can decide we're gonna stop waiting for some day. We can decide that we're gonna stop living by someone else's rules and we can start honoring our own definition of freedom and independence.

I am gonna wish you a happy Independence Day. Wherever you're celebrating, however you're celebrating whatever independence means to you this year, here's to be coming more you than you ever have been [00:48:00] before.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The School of Midlife. If this message hit home for you, I would love to hear what you're deciding, you're gonna declare some independence from this year, will you DM me on Instagram or reply to me or, or just send me an email? There's a clickable link in the show notes.

And if you know someone who should hear all about this new Independence Week, we're celebrating here at the School of Midlife, will you do me a big favor and forward this episode to her? Your recommendations help us build this community, as we are on our way to fulfilling our mission. To give midlife women everywhere the tools and the information and the support they need to live their very best lives in midlife and beyond.

I hope you have the best holiday weekend. Thank you so much for being here today, and I'll see you right back here next week when the School of Midlife is back in session. Until then, take good care.

 Thank you so much for listening to the School of Midlife [00:49:00] podcast. It means so much to have you here each week. If you enjoyed this episode, could you do me the biggest favor and help us spread the word to other midlife women? There are a couple of easy ways for you to do that first. And most importantly, if you're not already following the show, would you please subscribe? That helps you because you'll never miss an episode. And it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. Second, if you'd be so kind to leave us a five-star rating, that would be absolutely incredible. And finally, I personally read each and every one of your reviews. 

So if you take a minute and say some nice things about the podcast, well, that's just good karma. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you right back here. Next week when the School of Midlife is back in session until then take good care.