Navigating Life's Moving Parts: Stress, Control, and Family Dynamics

This episode explores managing life's moving parts, stress, relationships, and parenting with practical insights and personal stories. It emphasizes perspective, control, and the importance of emotional intelligence in everyday life.

key  topics

• Managing life's moving parts and stress
• The importance of perspective and control
• Parenting insights and family dynamics

Chapters

• 00:00 Introduction: Embracing Life's Moving Parts
• 01:50 Understanding Toxic Stress vs. Manageable Challenges
• 04:18 Humor and Patience in Customer Service Experiences
• 06:23 The Frustration of Service and Contract Challenges
• 08:43 Dealing with Technology Failures and Service Disruptions
• 11:57 The Complexity of Mobile Service and Contract Negotiations
• 14:49 The Reality of Customer Service and Organizational Records
• 17:46 The Concept of Acting as if You're Divorced to Reset Mindset
• 19:28 Adjusting Perceptions in Relationships and Illness
• 21:22 Reflecting on Appreciation and Family Dynamics
• 23:56 The Importance of Emotional Connection and Support
• 26:44 Building Relationships with Children and Supporting Their Interests
• 29:29 The Power of Listening and Being Present with Kids
• 32:24 Teaching Kids Appreciation and Perspective Through Experience
• 35:23 Parenting Challenges and Teaching Values to Children
• 37:32 Handling Disappointment and Conflict with Calmness
• 39:55 The Significance of Perspective and Gratitude in Family Life
• 43:03 The Value of Giving and Teaching Generosity
• 45:54 Financial Lessons and the Importance of Self-Care
• 46:49 Conclusion: Embracing Life's Lessons and Moving Forward
  
  

Resources

Mastering Stress and Emotions: A Guide to Personal Resilience
Emotional Intelligence in Family Life - Article
Effective Customer Service Techniques - YouTube
Control and Perspective in Life - TED Talk - 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Let's go.

SPEAKER_04 0:10

So how you been, man? Doing well. Yeah, really well. How about yourself?

SPEAKER_02 0:13

I mean, you got a lot going on. A lot of moving parts. Lot of moving parts. I think we both do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 0:20

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

You know, just moving parts in life, that's just life.

SPEAKER_04 0:24

Right? And I think that there's been this notion that maybe we shouldn't have as move many moving parts. Like life should just be easy and happy go lucky all the time. You kind of feel this, and then like if you have these things pop up, which is inevitable, then you're like super stressed out. Like, this shouldn't be happening to me. And it's like, well, no, it should. It's part of life. You've set it all up and this is just playing out.

SPEAKER_02 0:48

It can feel like crippling, though. It can. You know, where you feel like you just want to either shut down or it's hard to deal with it. But that's just it. It's how you deal with it. And uh yeah, it's all it's all good. We just yeah, it's just kind of keeping things in perspective. Totally. And it's in it's in this situation, like with what we have or what what I have or my family has going on, it's it's stuff that's uh they're good problems to have. Sure, absolutely. Still can be stressful. Yeah. It's not the toxic stress, it's not the stuff like more of my corporate kills, sure. It's not that shit, right? Stuff that you can't control. Yeah. I mean, you can't control this stuff either, but it's that toxic stress that you really shouldn't be in.

SPEAKER_04 1:24

A lot of the stress that you and I talk about is things based off of choices we've made in the past. Maybe they're maybe it's investments, maybe it's other things that we we chose to be involved with. Right. But they weren't required of us. Right. Yeah. We chose to do it. We chose to do it, and we know that we're benefiting from it one way or another. But those moments still come up that you're like, oh my gosh. We constantly talk about feeling this need, like you're almost doing the job for other people where you may be like paying for a service, but you're the one following up. Right. Or you're doing these things, right? Boy, that's funny. You're the one that's constantly almost doing their job. You're like, what in the hell am I paying this for?

SPEAKER_02 2:05

Well, and it goes back to it's there's only so much that's within my control, right? Or within our control. So you can only either follow up so many times, and it can be frustrating. But at the end of the day, when you shoot off an email or a phone call or a text, and nothing is happening still with that situation, I can't control it. I've done my job. I've done I've done all I can do on my end. Yes. And that's where I'm like, you know, it's stressful, but it's not maybe three plus years ago where I would have been like spiraling out of control, what the what does that do? Other than make you ill.

SPEAKER_04 2:40

Yeah. It's weird because it really doesn't change the situation at all.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

And it might actually hinder it, might make it worse. Sure. Like, especially if you're doing that and acting that way, trying to get things done, and it's the whole uh if you're coming at it in a in a shitty way, then it's gonna take even longer to get things done.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

For sure.

SPEAKER_02 2:58

And I'm totally guilty of that. Oh my god. Like, you know, getting an attitude or or getting pissy or or I'm frustrated, I guess.

SPEAKER_04 3:05

I feel like there's moments though that you I know they say you should never have to get to that stage, but there are some moments you're like, I have genuinely tried to be as patient as I can be, to be as understanding as I could be. Right. But I have to kind of now take it to a different level because nothing's getting addressed or dealt with.

SPEAKER_02 3:24

To the point where, yeah, you become curt. And I'll usually like if it's somebody that I'm talking to, and if I do get an attitude and I have, I'm I'm really good now, whereas before I don't think I was, where I'll say this, I know you're just the person that's gonna be taking this, and this is nothing towards you. Your people are nice, but the service sucks.

SPEAKER_04 3:44

This reminds me. So I had a call yesterday with this guy and I'd never met him before, and we're just kind of small talking over a Zoom call. And at the end, something came up where he was talking about at the end of every customer service call, he tries to he says lighten the mood. But I want to share this approach because if I was on the other end, if I was the customer service support team member and this guy said this to me.

SPEAKER_02 4:15

So wait, can I interrupt? So he said lighten the mood. So is the every customer service call, is it like a really intense call? Then that's kind of what I get from this. Yeah, well, he's saying what does he mean if it gets to that point?

SPEAKER_04 4:25

Well, he's no, he's just saying that it's usually like dealing with customer service, it's a frustrating moment because there's either miscommunication or something going on, but he always wants them to feel good at the end of the call. So, what does he do? This kills me, dude, because I'm like, again, if I was the customer service support team member, I'd be like, Okay, whatever. Be putting it on mute and getting all your friends gather around. I want you to hear this. It would have been one of these, like, ha ha so he says they'll always say, So, Pete, at the end of the conversation, is there is there anything else I can do to support you? And every time he's like, I choose something around my house that I know I need to do, and I ask them if they'd be willing to come over and do it. Yeah, could you come over and wash my car? Oh, yeah. And it's one of those, like, I know he's trying to be like funny. He's trying to be funny, but you know, like on the other end, they're like that.

SPEAKER_02 5:18

I don't know, it's almost like those progressive insurance commercials. You know, you need Dr. Rick. That sounds like something like your parents, your parents would do, you know? Yeah, like, don't do that. Don't it's not funny, and they don't think it's funny. You're trying to be funny, but it's not, it's not hitting. I guarantee it's not landing. It's not landing. No, they do it every single time.

SPEAKER_04 5:35

Every single time he does it. I'm like, you are genuinely waiting for this moment in the conversation, and you're like, nailed it. I nailed it. I asked him to come over and do my laundry, you know, wash my dishes.

SPEAKER_02 5:47

So I was on with uh my our credit union yesterday and just thinking about that had to I was trying to set up uh a business account that my wife and I, we you know, formed an LLC and just trying to get that account linked up to our mobile app sure and just trying to link it together, and I was having problems with it. So I called like the first person and then thought that I had it figured out, ended up having to call a second time. And she was great, and she did say at the end of it, is there anything else? You know, blah, blah, blah. But she had the worst phone rhythm ever. Can you think of like when you're on a on the phone with somebody? And sometimes I can fall, like if somebody, and I think it's sometimes I internalize it and think, is it me? And it's almost like when you're at a drive-thru, you know, when you go to order something, you're like, you wait for them to say, Hey, welcome to whatever. Sure. Can I take your order? And then you start ordering, and you literally get, you know, the first item out of your mouth, and they're like, Is that it? And it was like, Well, I give um I no, I'd like some fries with that. Oh, is that it? No, I'd like it. But she was just kind of interrupting, and I was trying to complete a thought, and she just kept coming in and oh, it even saying goodbye. She was like, Is there anything else? I said, No, this that's been it. And then she just interrupt, okay. You know what? I'm gonna let you let you go. I'm gonna let you go. You were great, thank you.

SPEAKER_04 6:56

But you're uh you're a nightmare to talk with because you have no zero phone rhythm. Well, now on uh T-Mobile, because I've been going back and forth with them, because apparently, if you're a magenta member, yeah, then you get like free perks. So I've been with them for I don't even know, since well, yeah, since like my undergrad, dude. So a long time. Long time. And I'm like, I don't have access to any of these magenta perks that you say, you know? And I've feel insighted. I'm like one of your best customers. Yeah. So I'm like, hey, is there any way you can turn this on, these features on? Oh yeah, we can see that you're you're qualified for all this. Can you turn the switch on? Uh I can eat I'll email another customer support member to turn it on, and then then I'm gonna have to get back to you. And then here was the kicker. We could we could lower your monthly bill. And and then I per I perk up. Ooh, like what are we talking? Yeah, and what were they talking about? Was it something substantial or sixty dollars? For real? And I was like, okay. Yeah. She's like, but oh geez. And here here was the thing. But we'll also we'll have to send you a free phone. And I was like, Well, I don't I don't need a phone. I've I've got my phone. She's like, Well, it's basically we'll send you that phone because we're adding two more lines to your account. And I was like, wait, no, I don't need more lines to my account. I go, I Where do they come up with that? I was like, I have the four lines that I need. She's like, Well, the other two are the kids' watches. She's like, So those are those are not technically lines. I'm like, well, they have phone numbers attached to them, so they're they're lines. Yeah. And then I thought, oh, maybe if you could just send the phone for one of those lines eventually to get a phone for Liam next year or whatever I'm looking into. I was like, Yeah, I'll just keep it. You know, no, it was we have to add add two more lines. Yeah, yeah. We'll lower your bill, but add two more lines. I'm like, well, why don't you just lower my bill and keep it as is?

SPEAKER_02 8:48

Because they wanted to add those lines and then it starts up another thick contract, so then you're locked in. Like if you had another year left, then you've got another two years left. Or whatever. Yeah. So let me tell you a story about that because we're with T-Mobile too. Uh so this was years ago, I was with T-Mobile. This is pre-Tami. This is a couple of lifetimes ago, and I'd been with them for a long time. It was kind of like along the lines of what we're talking about. I would hear other people saying that they're getting and they'd have these deals that they'd advertise, like, you know, it's this all you get all this stuff, and I'm like, I'm not getting shit. And I've been with you guys for years.

SPEAKER_05 9:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:21

So I called up, same conversation. I'm not getting anything. Can you throw me a bone with something, something promotional? Because I'm hearing all these spots on the air, and there's everybody's getting all this stuff. And I've been with you guys, and I think at that point, I don't know, it was like 10 years or something. And like I was like, Well, you don't know, I can't really do anything for you. And so I kind of got like, you can't do anything? And he's like, No, I really can't. And I was like, I said, How much is it gonna cost to buy me out of my contract? Oh, let me see here. That's gonna be like 150 bucks. 150 bucks to get me out of the contract. And he said, Yeah. And he says, Is this what you want to do? And I said, You know what? Yeah, I think I do. You don't want any service with T-Mobile anymore? I actually do this in the parking lot at the cotton bottom down the street, and I'm meeting lunch or meeting a friend for lunch. I come out, I look at my phone, and it's completely dead. So it was apparently a switch. Having that conversation, two hours goes by, I come out, I have zero service. It's like the middle of the week. I rely because of what I did at the time working on the radio show. That is the lifeline for what I do for everybody. Like that's your lifeline, yeah, essentially. But I really relied on it with work. I had nothing. I don't know what to do at this point, right? I like this is where we are as a society. I can't even call to get it reset back. I'm completely, I felt like I was helpless. So I head down to I'm like, screw this, I'm gonna get, you know, an a new iPhone, yeah, go to ATT, because at this point I had, it wasn't an iPhone, it was some other, I don't even know what the hell it was. Sure. Like a Google phone or something. Nokia. It was way back in the day, and I think the iPhone had just come out or some shit. So I head down to the Apple store, downtown to the gateway. I get down there, and I forgot that at the time my credit's frozen. So I'm like, son of a bitch. So this is like on a Tuesday. I have to get up for work in the morning and like this, you know, I got a lot of shit to do. I had to drive back home, get the get the paperwork for the pin numbers that I had so I could un unfreeze everything, and then I could get a phone. It was the biggest pain in the ass. And then to find out when I'm getting this new phone set up, he's like, So what um, what what is your number? And I said, Well, I just broke up with T-Mobile. He's like, Oh, you did? Like you broke up with him? And I and I said, Yeah, completely shut off my service. He goes, Oh, we're not gonna be able to transfer the number over. I lost this number that I had had for years. That was like my only phone number prior to that. Yeah, like since the inception of like cell phones, that was my number. So I was that guy that had to go through all my contacts and text people and be like, hey, FYI, here's my new number because I'm an idiot. That's my experience with T-Mobile. Now we're back with him. So Tammy's been with him for years, and ATT was so much money. Sure. Right? We were just getting reamed. And this was recently, I remember you going through all this. Oh my gosh. And then so we finally, so Tammy's been with, you know, like when I met her, she was on T-Mobile, kind of did her own separate phone thing. And I've got my ma's phone on there, you know, she's a little older, so I've got that, a couple of other lines, and just decided to cross back over to T-Mobile because it was very appealing. They're like, hey, this is what you you'll get. And it was, I mean, the incentives were really, really good.

SPEAKER_05 12:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:16

Until you start going through it, right? And then to the point where we go in thinking that it should just be one visit, and I get you'll be there for a couple hours.

SPEAKER_05 12:24

No.

SPEAKER_02 12:25

It wasn't. It was it was two hours here, it was like another two hours here. It's like you're gonna have to come back next week or tomorrow. It took us, and I I swear to God, and we had a few lines that we were transporting over. Sure. I'm not kidding, when it was all said and done, and what I mean by that is like the promos that they offered, which they make you jump through the fiery hoops. Oh, yeah. So they're like, you're gonna get this for free, but here's all the stuff and the numbers that you need to call. And luckily, Tammy's really good at that as far as her patience, and she's very like just detailed, and she follows through, and I'm not like that kind of thing. I'm like, that's the last thing I want to do.

SPEAKER_04 13:02

Yeah, we're one and done. I'm in here, let's get this resolved and I'm out.

SPEAKER_02 13:05

Yeah, yeah. It was about six months until it was shot, uh maybe even eight months until it was all fine, like where we got the the last thing that they promised. That I think it's by design, like they offer these incentives, and then you have to jump through the fiery hoops. And a lot of times people just are like, screw this, this is too frustrating. Yeah, I can't figure this out. The person on the line is passing me off to somebody else, and you got to contact this, this, and this. It really just takes so much time. It was probably about eight months until it was all said and done with everything that they promised us was good. To the point where I said to Axel, our little boy, who's nine, we would have to go into T-Mobile. And then there was like the third time that we had to go in there, and he's in the back, and it's just the two of us. We're you know, it's just down the street. I said, buddy, I just got to stop by T-Mobile. And he's like, No, no, no, I do not want to go there. Every time we're there, we're we're there for like two hours. And I'm like, dude, I hear you, and you're right, but I just have to do he would he was like, I'm not doing it, I'm not going in there. All right, I'll just I'll do it tomorrow, or you know, I'll drop you off at the house. And it was a nightmare. Everything's good now, but it was a nightmare.

SPEAKER_04 14:12

And then you're frustrated because you're like, I'm the parent, you need to do what I'm saying. I know. And then you're like, but why am I dropping you off and making it more convenient for you for you for me to go deal with a shitty situation?

SPEAKER_02 14:23

Dude, it was a nightmare.

SPEAKER_04 14:25

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 14:26

I remember walking in one day, and this is like, so I'm going back and forth with one of their their the the people that worked there, and this, and it was just like every time we go in there, it was a different, and they were all the same people, and they recognized us, yeah, and they would say, So what do you need? And I would and and like by the fourth visit, they'd say, So what like what's going on? I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I have no idea. You got and I was and I try not, and I say, Look, I don't, I'm not coming at you, but every time we come in here, you guys ask, like, where are we at? And I'm like, I don't know. That's the whole thing, and that's part of the problem. Like, it's very frustrating that you're asking me, and I'm not sure why I'm here, but I'm supposed to be here because you requested, or the guy that requested it that's not here. Like there was a situation like that where I texted him literally that day, and he said, I'm gonna be in at one, and I said, Perfect. I'll meet you there at, you know. So I show up at like 1 15 in the afternoon on a Saturday, and they're like, Oh, so-and-so's not here. And I was like, We just texted earlier and he said he was gonna be here because he knows what's going on, right? Uh he's he's not here, uh, we don't know where he is, and so what's going on? I'm like, I don't know. Ask Dave. Dave knows what's going on, but he's not here. It was that. It was like actually Dave just resigned and will not be coming back.

SPEAKER_04 15:37

Dude, it was you're like, oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 15:38

It was not far from that. Like one guy had like a baby, and I get it, like you had a baby, but it's like you didn't, you couldn't have, and that was the guy that we initially saw that was setting everything up, and then he's like gone for like a month.

SPEAKER_04 15:48

Are there no like like synchronized note systems in this organization that says we've been on with Frank for this amount of time, and here's where we're at. Here's where it's no records? Don't ask me what's going on because that's what I would say.

SPEAKER_02 16:01

Like, I have no idea what's going on. Oh my gosh. And I'll uh have an aneurysm in your lobby because that's stressing out.

SPEAKER_04 16:08

So they're the ones that were calling me back when we were having coffee yesterday. They were the ones that were calling, and I was like, I'm not even, I'm not even answering it. I should have answered it, but I know it's gonna be the same thing. Well, we've put in the request and we don't know. I'm like, for real? Like, have you though? Yeah, have you? How about you do this? How about you zero everything out? Right. I'll refresh my cash on my end. Like, let's just get on with this. It's frustrating though. And I'm like, all of this for a Slurpee and a Netflix bonus.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

Yeah, I know some of the things that's what I said to Tammy, like all the things that they they throw at you. Like, and if you do this and you transport one, you know, two lines over, you get this, you get a free pair of AirPods, you know, and blah blah blah, you get this, but then you have to you have to go through all the go through it all. Everything, and it's a pain, it literally is a pain in the ass. And I and I know it's by design.

SPEAKER_04 16:59

Yeah, dude, I got one for you. Speaking about going through it all, I was watching this Instagram video of this couple that they kind of do like uh coaching therapy stuff together. The concept behind this post or this story was in a relationship, it's good to every once in a while act as if you are getting a divorce. And I was like, Whoa, what is what is this all about?

SPEAKER_03 17:22

That was a good hook to get you to watch. I would have been like, I gotta hear what they're gonna say with this.

SPEAKER_04 17:26

Yeah, so the premise behind it is if you're going through a divorce, everything's on you. But when we are comfortable in relationships, we tend to sit back and be like, Well, you're not doing the dishes either, or you're not doing the laundry. If you were divorced and on your own, you'd still have to do all the laundry for you and Axel, right? I'd have to do the same for me and Liam and Jackson. It'd be like everything laundry, dishes, cleaning, running the whole gamma of operations, right? It takes to run the household. Which is a lot. It is a lot, and it's dangerous to start getting comfortable because then you start having resentment. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

Once that sets in, oh, that is so hard to come back from.

SPEAKER_04 18:12

So, like, what are your thoughts on that kind of that concept? That concept of of acting every once in a while like you are divorced or going through a divorce to kind of reset your mind frame of if it brings you back to that, that's great.

SPEAKER_02 18:26

If it works, if it takes that to get you to like kind of realize that you both live there and you gotta pull away that you know, it's a it's it's a team. It's a team. It is a team, dude. It's teamwork, man. Yeah. And and sometimes though that that being said, you know, you gotta look at your your your situation because everybody's situation is is different. And it's kind of like I like my wife Tammy, she, and not saying and using it as an excuse, and she definitely doesn't use her her illness as an excuse, but she has Parkinson's. I I look at things through a different lens because of what's happening, and I look at some of the things where I maybe before I would have gotten like, well, shit, man, I'm doing that. It's like, you know what? Those are small things, right? Like if I feel like uh not even feel like that, but if I I guess if you start breaking it down, which it isn't, because I mean she does so much around the house, but if you start getting to because it's never like 50-50, and that's you shouldn't look at it that way. But a lot of people do, and I'll just where you gotta change like your perception. Like you can't look at it and go, Well, I do 50 and you gotta do because that's not that's not how that's not real life.

SPEAKER_04 19:31

Yeah, it's not 50-50. It should be a partnership, though. Absolutely. Sometimes one of the partners might have to step it up a little more for the other one, and that's just kind of the episode of the thing. And that's just life, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:40

Yeah, and I kind of I don't know. So that's kind of how I I operate in my lens. And it it definitely, I guess when she was diagnosed, and that was about four years ago, because she's 54 and she was diagnosed at 50, and we knew something was wrong prior to that. Uh, but when she finally got that diagnosis, and then that was kind of a relief in itself, like, okay, we at least we know what it is, and then we'll figure it out from there. But when that hit us, it really changed just the outlook of like, you know what, like the small things that might have pissed me off before. It just it takes a lot now within the relationship of even when we not that we don't have might have a heated discussion, sure, boy, we like because a lot of that I think when it would get maybe amped or whatever, a lot of that was from me, just from my background. Sure. So I could get to a certain I could go from zero to pissy, right, and like no time, and maybe over something really stupid, or because I'm thinking I'm right in the situation and I need to prove my point, and that is old childhood baggage. I don't know. It takes a lot now to even let something like that set me off. So what happened, or what was the shift though? Just when she was diagnosed going, life is too fucking short, and I just don't it's not worth it. It's just not worth it.

SPEAKER_05 20:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

You know what I mean? Like you just don't know what's gonna happen, and then you know, losing people along the way, and you just getting back to the resentment. You know, if you start getting to that point, not that you I mean you gotta have conversations with your partner because if you're feeling like that you're not either heard or seen or valued or yeah, quite that's that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying, like with maybe some of the small things that where we can all gonna kind of get in our little pissy moods and be like, whoa, you know, make it's almost keeping tab.

SPEAKER_04 21:21

Yeah, like like do not see how much I'm doing and look keep score.

SPEAKER_02 21:25

No, because I mean, if you really I mean, unless the per and then there are, I guess, spouses out there or people in relationships that are truly lazy and and really and do put it up, but then that's maybe a different conversation that you gotta go look and have that conversation with your spouse. Like, this is not this is not a team effort. Yeah, and I need help. And I need help. I I don't know, so I don't even know if I answered your question. I don't even think I did.

SPEAKER_04 21:47

No, I just thought that was a really interesting perspective to hear.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

What do you think about like what?

SPEAKER_04 21:51

So when I heard it, it kind of kicked into this point where I'm like, what things maybe do I have an expectation that Katie does, or what things Do I take for granted that she just does around the house that I'm like, oh, I would have to take that on. So it made me think a little bit more in the sense of, Am I taking on enough? Yeah. So it made you kind of reflect in that. Yeah, to reflect on it. And also like, which is good. I think we should reflect on our behaviors and how we're showing up. And making sure you're pulling your own weight. For sure. Yeah. And also maybe there's times where I'm like, I do have a little more energy right now, and I know she's leveraged doing these things. I should step up and do a little more. Or be able to express that openly and say, I'm just, I'm tapped out right now. I need you to take care of some of these things just for a little bit. Well, and there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that.

SPEAKER_02 22:43

And I think it's good to be, and I think you guys, and I want to speak for you, but you and Katie, I think, are at this point in your relationship. Because I know Tammy and I are, and I love that. We were talking about at the start of the show. There's some stuff going on in our life, and there are good problems, but there's a lot of just moving parts. And she'll say, Is there anything I can do to help?

SPEAKER_05 22:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

And I'll say to her, you know, and because I appreciate that. And and and if there were, I would be like, Yeah, if you could do this, but there's really not in this, because there's really nothing that anybody can do.

SPEAKER_04 23:08

If there was, would you ask her? Because I would probably not. Well, even though probably not, yeah. Same, same, same same, same here.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

Because she's got enough shit going on. So it's probably that. But I I do appreciate that. You know, she'll ask that, and then I'll ask her, like when she's got all these things and she's the same way, she's not gonna, she's not gonna ask for it.

SPEAKER_04 23:25

But then she genuinely would do it for her, though.

SPEAKER_02 23:27

But then sometimes she does, especially with the Parkinson. She'll say, and but I I know kind of like the morning routines and mornings are hard for her because things are seizing up and she literally can't walk, and sometimes she's like crawling. It's crazy. I mean, the stuff that she's dealing with, but I we know that, and Axel knows it too. So we're all kind of like, I need to do this and step it up. And those are the things that we're all we know, I guess, emotionally and physically and mentally where we're kind of really tuned in, and not that you can't get into these phases of life where you're just not keyed into that like you should be, but I think right at the moment we're pretty good and we're pretty in tune with each other. Yeah, and but you're right, like you gotta make sure that that's something that you're constantly checking in on, being cognizant of, because it's easy to get into a thing where you might not be emotionally or physically or whatever it is, like pulling your weight, like just around the house, like things, you know, tasks around the house. Yeah. I don't know. That that's a that's an interesting take.

SPEAKER_04 24:20

It is an interesting take. It also makes you think there's a lot more elements that have to go into a relationship that aren't just the day-to-day things. It's like you start thinking, am I physically showing up enough for them? Am I emotionally showing up enough for them? You know? Yeah. Like, am I even mentally in the state? Like, are the conversations lying flat? Are they the same redundant conversations every day? Or am I bringing things to the table that make us, you know, think as a team and grow together?

SPEAKER_02 24:50

You know? Well, and speaking of the emotionally thing, like our emotional aspect of that, I think of, and I'm getting better at this because I think as guys, we want to fix things, and and it's taken me, you know, I'm 55. It's taken me a long time to realize that 99% of the time, if Tammy is venting about something, whether it's work or you know, she's got a situation, it's a family situation or friend situation, whatever, 99% of the time when she's just telling me, she just wants me to be a sounding board. She doesn't want me to because I'm like, well, here's what you need to do. I just do this. You know, like you start giving the unsolicited advice. And I I was really good at that. And so I'm a lot better now where I'll just kind of I'll listen to her, maybe if she's asking for it advice, but for the most part, I'm like, you know, that sucks. And I can relate to that. I know what you're feeling, and it's like you said, everybody wants to be heard. They do just listening, you know, and that's something that it's taken me a long time to realize.

SPEAKER_04 25:43

Yeah, I'm trying to do that really a lot with the boys because I'll take something that they're saying. Liam's really into um Formula One right now. All right, like loves it. And he's like, I want to be a Formula One driver. And I'm like, dude, I don't have the means, connections, or resources. Like, I'm thinking that in my head, which sucks. But I'm like, these are like very small group of individuals. Most of them is like dad or grandpa owns the car company that they're racing for. And you don't want to like that's the thing. And I don't want to be like, it's not a reality, right? You know, and so he's like into this a lot, and to the point where he maybe brush my teeth, and he's like, This one driver, something Hamilton or whatever. Oh, oh, Lewis Hamilton. Yeah, and he's telling a story about it. He's like the only F1 driver that I know, but yeah, and he's like, he's way into it, but I'm like, brush my teeth, and I'm like, uh, dude, I I don't care. But yeah, I'm trying to now at least find one or two things that he's saying or telling me the story and just repeating it back to him in a way like you know, that allows him to know that there's someone paying attention to him. Because, dude, I just feel like especially him moving into middle school next year, the more he feels at home, supported, love, heard, the less he's just gonna be seeking that from from other kids.

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Yeah, and listen and influence, uh yeah, outside influence. And we're gonna, you know, it's stacked against us to begin with. 100%. But it's good to kind of still keep that in check if as best we can. As best we can.

SPEAKER_04 27:09

To have some to hold on to the little ounce that we can hold on to.

SPEAKER_02 27:14

And kind of nurturing those situations and be more aware of those. But yeah, it's funny you say that. So my my brother's boy, who is let's see, he's 22, I think, 22 or 23, Jake just came in. So it's my nephew Jake.

SPEAKER_04 27:25

And he took off yesterday, right?

SPEAKER_02 27:27

Uh so let's say what is today? Today's Thursday. Thursday. So he left, yeah, he left yesterday. Okay. Uh, and he came in on Saturday. So it was a quick, quick visit from New York. A little backstory. So Jake graduated about a year, maybe two, two years ago, or a year or two ago from college, upstate New York, a degree in finance. Nice. So he's got this gig that I think it's like a year internship with a bank that he just signed a contract, and that was why my brother flew him out and said, I just want to see you because I know you're gonna be busy. And yeah, we tried to spend as much time as with him as we could. And Axel remembers him, but it's been a minute since they've seen each other. And it was cool to see, because like Jake is, I want to say, I think he's 22 and Axel's nine. And I was talking to you about this yesterday. It's like you when you think of that, Jake and Axel are so much closer in age, you know, and I'm 55 and Axel's nine. I've got a tight relationship with Axel, but it was cool to see how quickly they just kind of gelled with each other. I mean, there was a rapport from before, but it's been a while since they've seen, and they just kind of picked up and they were just chatting and just little things. And, you know, they're they're sitting there eating, and and we had Axel had some jelly bellies, and you know, those are the flavored gourmet jelly beans or whatever, and they have all the different flavors. And Jake's just little conversations. Jake's like, what's your favorite jelly belly flavors? And and I thought to myself, I don't even know his favorite. You know what I mean? Those are just simple questions, but to speak to your point, like it was neat to see that, and I need to be more like those type of simple interactions. Because a lot of times it is, I'm trying not to be where there's a lesson behind it or I've got a little anecdote, or you know, I'm trying to let him be heard and just let him talk.

SPEAKER_04 29:03

Yeah. I told you that mic truth moment at the kitchen table. So I open it up, and whenever, again, just as a reminder, whenever we do McTruth, it means in that moment, no matter what you say, the reaction's not going to be judgmental towards the person. We're not gonna be upset, we're not gonna be, you know, we're just gonna listen. You have the talking stick, you have the talking stick. So mictruth moment comes out, and I like to always open it up. Is there anything that dad does that bothers you guys? I want to be better, you know? I want to support them more. And the only way I can do that is sometimes hearing these hard McTruth. Yeah, yeah. And so right out the gate, Liam just starts firing him, which I love. I do love that about the kid, right? He's like, I'm gonna tell you, you opened it up. Get a big punch in the mick gut, yeah. A mick uppercut's about to come happen. So he straight up is like, yeah, dad, everything you tell us doesn't have to be a big life moment. Right. And I was like, Oh, he's right, and that was it, dude. I'm to the point now though that I'm actually aware that I'm going down the trying to teach them a lesson. Right, I'm like, it's just a song. I can listen to it silently and not be like, oh, I think in that moment they're trying to talk about this, right? Isn't that funny? And so I'll catch it, and now I to the point where I'm like, hey guys, and I don't I'll stop and they'll be like, what, what, dad? And I'm like, nothing. It's not important, guys. I didn't have to say that thing, just being a space, I think, is so important.

SPEAKER_02 30:32

I think you're right. And I think back to like with my my my dad had a he that was a great quality of his. I mean, he definitely had some lessons, but the way his lessons came across was just hanging out and just have we'd have just conversations, kind of shooting the shit. And a lot of times he was just listening to me, and then he would come in. I'm sure, and I don't even know if he was aware of this. That's the thing that's crazy. I don't I I think probably part of him was there was another part where he was just spending time with me, yeah, and and there was a lesson, an underlying lesson there that I picked up on.

SPEAKER_04 31:02

Like, that's where that's where I'm trying to aspire to be that trying to look back.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

Like, what would what would Ray do? What would my dad do? That's so good. That's funny. Do we let's okay, before we kind of wrap it up, I since we had talked about this at coffee, we I think we need to kind of put it out there because I think it's very relatable with what had happened. There was a situation with your boys, and we were talking about that. Do you want to talk about that?

SPEAKER_04 31:23

Just a little like backstory growing up, especially when I would go visit my mom, we would be staying with a friend or you know, a a new guy's place. It was always just like different location. Yeah. And then with my dad, he had a real estate projection that every like two years we'd basically move. So we would move into a place, he'd be working on it the whole time. And we knew because all of a sudden the house is starting to look nice. Oh wow, we're moving, right? And it was kind of the the running thing, like, oh, two years, don't get too comfy. For me, setting up a foundation of a home means a lot. Stability. You want the stability, I don't want stability really bad.

SPEAKER_02 32:04

Yeah, you need like at that point you you didn't have it essentially.

SPEAKER_04 32:07

Yeah, exactly. And so to me, that that was always a big driving factor, right? So um Katie and I have worked and and done done our fair share of of same kind of thing, you know, fixing up a home, being uh seeing an opportunity leveling up, to where we feel like our house right now is a is a decent house. It's beautiful. I feel like it's a a nice home that we've I know the work, but we know the work. Yeah, the kids don't know the work. All they know is what they know. All they know is both of them were born though in our previous house, which is also a really nice home. And do they remember it? Liam does a little bit. Okay. Jackson doesn't at all. So this is pretty much all they know. This is all pretty much all they know. Liam, like, he can pick up on that. He remembers stuff from like when he was one or two years old. I'm like, what the heck? Up until this point, we're about to share this story we were talking about. They had been pretty grateful for our home life, right? And they know that mom and dad try to make the playrooms fun for them. We really try to make it a place where they enjoy. Well, we went over to one of the kids' friends' house a little bit ago, and their house was a newer home, a a nice big house, very modern, everything's magazine-esque, we'll just say. Yeah, right. Like a like a model home. We come home. I mean, I was feeling the same thing. I was like, oh man, that was like really nice. It's it's like if you go out and your friend has like a new Porsche or Lamborghini or something, you're like, oh man, that yeah, that thing's awesome.

SPEAKER_02 33:37

And isn't it like interesting before we go down that, like how we get to that? And because I get there sometimes too. Like we'll go somewhere or visit someone's home, and you're like, Jesus. And then you feel you start feeling feeling like you haven't done enough. Like, what am I doing wrong?

SPEAKER_04 33:51

Yeah, maybe I haven't worked hard enough. Yeah, or I haven't done enough. You feel in the world.

SPEAKER_02 33:56

And you compare, you compare, and that's and we're in the world of comparison, totally comparing each other.

SPEAKER_04 34:00

So in this moment, like I Katie and I had talked about it that evening, you know, and then then the next thing I know, the boys, so they're out playing one of our neighbors is really cool, and he's letting them use the he has a sport court and he's letting them shoot basketball over there. Well, right across from our place is the what do we call it, Travassi or Trevox. Something anyway, yeah. They're all basically gaudy homes. Two two million dollar lots. Yeah, lots. Yeah, so the actual build they're probably ten million dollar plus homes up there, usually. Yeah, and they're they're beautiful, and you see them from the sport court, you can see them from our neighborhood. Yeah, so the boys come in and and Liam is like, Hey dad, how about you sit down for a minute? And I was like, Oh, they're they're trying to convince me of something. Like, here we go. Like, and I thought it was gonna be like, Can you buy a new basketball show? I don't know. Or an e-bike. We got our eye on this e-bike, yeah. Or like, can we do a sport court? They've talked about that in the backyard. And I'm like, well, we don't really have the room for, but whatever. Um, so Jackson actually walks over, he won't sit at the table. I was a little bummed or disappointed in Jackson in that moment, and I was a little more, I was a little more proud that Liam was like willing to have what he probably thought was maybe. This is gonna be, yeah, this is gonna be I'm saying something, I don't know what how dad's gonna react. And Jackson's kind of walking away, and I'm like, okay, what's this gonna be? And right out the gate, I I I think he said five words, and I fire right back. I'm not buying you guys anything. Because you know what?

SPEAKER_02 35:34

You sensed it, and I get I get what you're saying, I get what you're but it's like you you know that you're about to hear something or get trying to attempt it, like where they're gonna work you over.

SPEAKER_04 35:44

Yeah, and dad's like, usually I'm a sucker sometimes with that stuff, and that's why and he and he knows that, okay. And I oh, can I tell a really quick backstory? Sure, sure. So come downstairs. He he was like, Can I borrow some paper? I'm like, Yeah, whatever. And he's cutting all these things out and he's writing little notes on them, little package of basically IOUs. He pulled a dumb and dumber on me, like I wanted to spend the money, and then here's the IOUs. Well, that's hilarious. So he's like, Hey, there was a pack of Ninja Turtle cards at Barnes and Noble that he really wanted. And he's like, Hey dad, basically you can use them anytime, and I have to do what you say. Can you get me those cards? And I sat on it for like three or four days, and I'm like, Liam, I I don't know, dude. Let me think about it. And he's like, It's just a simple like yes or no. So I got to a point where I I was the sucker. I went out and bought him the the cards, which I hadn't mentioned that to Katie. And we basically, like later, she's like, So you got you got him, you got him the cards, and she gave a look like you suck, you were a sucker to it. So he knew he was like, So we can start with these cards, yeah. So yeah, so I and I understood that there's a part like I play a big role in that. I've been working on that where I'm like, no, dude, you're trying to use me to get you something kind of a thing. Not even use me, but you know that I I'm like more willing to do those things. So I'm like, okay. So back to the story, we're at the table, and he goes, I think it's about time that we level up. And I'm like, what are you talking about? You're like, what are we leveling up? Yeah, what are we leveling up? And then he leads with, You can sell the Tesla to do this. Oh my gosh. Oh God, here we go. Wow, here we go. Like, and I'm like, first and foremost, that's my car. Yeah, you don't tell me if I can or cannot sell it, and part of me wants to sell it just because you're using it as in your mind. Leverage to get into it. Like of value to you. I don't like that, right? Like, right? So he's like, I think that we should try to buy one of those homes up there. I've heard you and mom talk about moving before. I think we should sell our s and move up there. Wow, dude. I felt so defeated, upset, disappointed. Like I was feeling it all in that moment. Yeah. And I I was like, Are you kidding me? And I said that. And Jackson's like, that's why he left, dude. He could see well, he sensed it.

SPEAKER_02 37:59

Yeah, he sensed that how this is gonna play out. Oh, he knew it. You know, and and Liam's like, I don't give a shit how it's gonna play out. Yeah, I'm going in there. I'm planting the seed. Um, yeah. And Jackson's like, I'll I'll be up in my room.

SPEAKER_04 38:09

Yeah, he bounced. Yeah, I bet he went really quick out of there. And I was like, no, no. I saw him leave and I was like, uh-uh. I was like, I need you both to hear this right now. Good. And I was like, your mom and I have worked extremely hard to provide this life for you two and for ourselves. And I know some of it's for us. We have worked really hard to get to this house. I feel like this is a great house for our family. And now you're making me feel as if we haven't done enough for you guys. Very disappointing. And I go, and if we choose to move, that's on your mom and me, not you guys. And dude, I was just like livid. I I grabbed Roxy's collar, put on, and I was like, we went for a long walk. I didn't even say anything to anybody, which I should have. I'll admit it. I should have at that moment said, Hey, I'm gonna go for a walk, I'll be back.

SPEAKER_02 38:56

But I was like also like I They know you're gonna be back. And I think you know, you it's not like you just left. You left with Roxy. They know that they could they could see But it was with anger. I mean, I was I was I needed to blow it up. That's good that you left and you took a walk and they pro and they knew that. Yeah, for sure. They're they're aware enough to know that he's not happy, yeah, right? He didn't you didn't over so going back to some of the conversations we've had in the past where you're like, I should have done this, I should that was a good, good move, I think. Yeah, it was a good move to to take yourself out of the situation. You you express that you're not happy, you're disappointed, and then you left. But you got Roxy, they know you're coming back.

SPEAKER_04 39:33

Well, and then we get back, then something kind of like kicked off at dinner again. Disappointment that it wasn't some processed food. Katie had made like this amazing chicken dish with like pasta. It tastes so good. And he was like, Ugh, like not gonna eat it. It's gross, it's got this on. I was like, dude, I can't. So I was like, You need to go to your room. Katie and Jackson took off, go to the rec center, and Liam was still here. And he comes out of his room. I said, What are you doing, dude? It's like, oh, I'm gonna go downstairs. I go, No, you're not. You're going back to your room until I say it's okay to come out. And he's like, Well, I'm fine with mom. And I said, bud, you know, he's he's doing he's doing what the 11s exactly what's going on. So I was like, We're gonna have a real conversation of this. And I went really calm because I was like, my tone matters, and I know that it can be very like harsh at times.

SPEAKER_02 40:21

Well, and we talked about that whole thing, like when you're whispering and you're talking in a soft tone, that's when they lean in.

SPEAKER_04 40:26

Well, and I knew from just uh physical proximics in the house, I was upstairs, he was coming up the stairs, so physically I already had a dominant vantage point looking down, speaking down. So I actually crouched down lower to knowing that I was like, I just want him, I want to de-escalate the conflict here. And dude, we ended up having a really great conversation. And I had mentioned a few things about how do you think other people might feel if their house situation wasn't the same as ours, and they came up to our house and and really just trying to put it into perspective look, man, it's not the things that we have. Like, and I I explained that at one point. I go, Because if it was, I would just get rid of all of this stuff. You're not gonna remember the things that I gave you, the house. I mean, you'll remember growing up and stuff here, but I go, You're gonna remember the way you felt. And I was like, these are the things that matter, bud. This is why I get upset when we have these conversations, because the energy is about the thing, but it's not about the connection, the love, the support. If you came home every day, we had that house, but you came home every single day, and you and I didn't have a relationship at all, I go, that house means nothing to me.

SPEAKER_02 41:40

Well, and then you're gonna be, you know, you're gonna grow up and you're gonna be chasing those things trying to fill voids that you know it's it's physical things.

SPEAKER_04 41:46

Well, and the one thing that scares me is at this age, and I know the kids they want the best thing, they want the newest thing, and I don't blame him. Uh, even at one point it said, I know that this is your norm, and dad got really upset in that moment because that was not dad's norm. And we've worked really hard to get this. And I know that just because it's not ours, I know it's yours, and it's not your fault that you have what you have. But at the same time, dude, you have to start appreciating what you have because you have it really well.

SPEAKER_02 42:17

I think what I know with Axel, and he's got a little bit of a point of reference, like where Tammy grew up in West Valley, she didn't have I mean, they had, you know, like her mom was able to stay home, but her dad worked several jobs, worked with the BLM, and then had other jobs, like side jobs, kind of trying to make ends meet so she could stay at home with the kids, and they had three kids, and their house is is just a little itty bitty house that they over the years they went from like a I think it was like a two-bedroom to like three bedrooms where they added on, but that's the house. Still the same house. Still the same house. Okay. So my point is like we, you know, we visit there a lot. Axel visits there a lot, so he knows where Tammy grew up. I mean, that's literally the house that she grew up in. Nice little home. It's not like it's anything extravagant. And I think with kids like where I came from in Detroit, you know, we had just a like a little ranch home. And it was we didn't think anything, it's weird because we knew that like on the other side of the tracks, we knew what money looked like. We knew that we weren't in that circle, and we didn't really care. Growing up, my dad, like I said, he grew up in Detroit, downtown Detroit. He didn't have shit. My ma didn't really have a whole lot, and we would visit family a lot and we would see. And my dad was always very good about like this is where I grew up, and this, you know, we wanted to give you boys more than what we had. So there's like at least there's something that they can compare it to. Sure. And I think that's what's missing though with kids, unless you do have like a dire so they can kind of see it. Because if they can't see it, it's hard for them to have a comparison.

SPEAKER_04 43:47

Well, which is interesting because I actually drove Liam over to Katie and my first quote unquote home, which was a duplex, a town home like duplex. And I'm like, this is where mom and I got married. Like this is where we like started. It's very different than where I'm at right now.

SPEAKER_02 44:05

Right. So I think that to to to so they can actually see that and to maybe have a little appreciation. But if they don't see it, I know there's there's not a whole lot that that's where I think, and I've had we've had conversations like I would like to do some type of a humanitarian trip with Axel and Tammy, where we all go for like a week and you're literally sleeping, you know, with bare minimum, or sometimes you hear like dirt floors and that sort of thing, so they can see it firsthand, like how good you have it.

SPEAKER_05 44:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:34

Especially when you're talking about other cultures, even here in the country, like other people that just don't have what you have, yeah, and how you should appreciate it. But it's hard to it's hard to convey that when they don't have anything to compare it to.

SPEAKER_04 44:46

I know. I like a thing that puts me into check a lot of times when I start, and you and I have had this conversation where I'm like, oh man, maybe I should go get a cyber truck or or whatever it is. You know, I'm just thinking, and and it's like you know you could do it, but then the reality is you're we also understand that it brings no additional value to you, it's just a thing after a time. Uh, one big thing that kicks me a lot in is when I did that trip over to Africa. Yeah. And we were in Soweto, and I remember being in my sneakers and not wanting to walk down some of the streets like that bad and seeing little kids running barefoot through it. And it's like it's very eye-opening. And I'm I wish I could embed that into the kids. Like, I wish that they could see just how amazing the fact that they have shoes and clothes that they get to choose for the day and walk down and grab any, you know, food out of the refrigerator, like how big of a deal that is, you know.

SPEAKER_02 45:45

Well, and that just kind of speaks to like, and we've got to be better at this, like the importance of maybe as a family donating our time, yes, like at a shelter or a soup kitchen. Maybe that's the point of this conversation is we all need to do a better job. And like if you are somebody that has more than most and you're giving more. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 46:05

I think we talked about this over coffee as well. Is they're getting five dollars now each per week if they do their job. So they have their chores every day. You don't we don't pay our kids to do their chores. That's just like we don't either, yeah. Yeah, it's just like, hey, that's what you have to do. Every single day they have a chore, except for Sunday. Um, the one job though is one of them does the dishes, the other unloads the dishes, the other one takes out the garbage and does that. And if they do that at the end of the week, they'll each get five dollars. But I bought these jars, I went to the dollar store and bought these jars, three for each of them. One's spend, one save, and one's give. And they have to divide the five dollars up into these jars, you know, two and saving, two in spending, and one into give. And I want them to take that money from the give one and do something for somebody else. And I said, Don't just hand them the one or two bucks or whatever you have saved in here. Let's go to the store, buy something, give that to them. Or let's go find a charity you want to donate it to, give it to that charity because you have to be able to give that money away. Right. It was funny. I was explaining it to one of my boys, and they're like, Wow, my friend gets 20 bucks a week just because. And I said, Well, that's your friend's parents' decision. Yeah, not mine. Inside, I wanted to be like, your friend's parents are ruining them. Well, they're setting them up for disappointment, baby. It's this like false reality too that no one's gonna do that once they get out. No one's gonna be like, Hey, you showed up today. Here's yeah, thousand dollars. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 47:29

Just setting them up for disappointment down the line.

SPEAKER_04 47:32

Yeah, it can't all be about you. No, you're going to have so much more fulfillment. You've set yourself up because you have to. This was something Master Kwan actually had said that really resonated with me. He goes, If I have two dollars and you don't, and I give you one of mine, I only have a dollar now. He's like, There's not much I can do with that. But if I have ten dollars and I give you a dollar, that doesn't really impact me at all. So I should give you, I should give you a dollar. The more you take care of yourself, the more you can like give out. And I I I think it's like the rich dad poor dad kind of thing. Like pay yourself first, kind of thing, right? Yeah, kind of like you have to take care of yourself. Yeah, it's the whole oxygen on the airplane situation teaching them both those lessons. Yeah, and I know that until your brain can really process it, it can be confusing. It's like, say, I have to take care of myself, I'm taking care of myself, keeping all the money. And it's like, no, but then there's this balance, dude, because you will also feed your soul.

SPEAKER_00 48:28

I'll be repping dad hood, repping the podcast. Be ripping dad hood.

unknown 48:36

Let's go.