Breaking Family Patterns Starts Here

At some point, every dad realizes it:

You start noticing the things your parents did… the patterns, habits, and ways they showed up — and you have to decide what stays and what changes.

In this episode of DADHOOD, we get real about navigating relationships with our parents as adults, being treated like “the kid” even in your 30s and 40s, and learning how our own energy affects our children more than we realize.

We also share powerful moments of repair with our boys — the moments that remind us parenting isn’t about perfection… it’s about growth.

If you’ve ever caught yourself sounding like your parents, struggled with family dynamics, or wanted to become a better father than the example you had, this episode is for you.

Subscribe, follow, and share with another dad.

Chapters:

00:00 – A Brand New Dad Joins The Club
04:35 – When Parents Still Treat You Like A Kid
10:42 – Breaking Old Family Patterns
18:15 – The Hard Truth About Adult Children
24:30 – Should You Confront Your Parents?
31:50 – Parenting Triggers We Don’t Notice
39:10 – The iPad Lie & Dad Energy
48:40 – A Moment That Changed Everything
57:12 – Why Repair Matters More Than Perfection
01:01:30 – Becoming Better Dads

Takeaways

• Your kids absorb your energy more than your words.
• Becoming an adult means creating healthy autonomy from parents.
• Repair after hard moments matters more than pretending they didn’t happen.
• Kids often internalize our frustration as disappointment in them.
• Breaking generational patterns starts with awareness.
• Your child’s perception becomes their reality.
• Accountability is one of the strongest things a dad can model.
• Being a better parent starts with self-reflection.

Thanks for listening to the DADHOOD Podcast. If this episode resonated with you, make sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with another dad who’s figuring it out one day at a time.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:03

How are you?

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Good. How are you?

SPEAKER_02 0:05

Great. Welcome to the Dadhood Podcast. Last time we were chatting, we were talking to our buddy Zach, who now is a brand new father.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Brand new dad. So just week. Yeah. Fresh, dude. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:19

So have you talked to him like yesterday or when did you talk to him?

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Yeah, I went over to the hospital and uh we visited and saw little George and he's doing well, man. Uh Zach is just kind of chill. He's sitting back, I think, trying to, as as most I think men and dads in that situation, be of service, but then like get out of the way too.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

I'm here if you need like I don't I don't even know what that looks like. No, because I remember being in that situation. Yeah. You want to be there, but you don't know really what it looks like because you've never been there before. Yeah, no. So just let me know, like, what is it? Yeah, it's been a minute, but I still remember being in that situation. Like, I don't know what you need, but I'm here.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Right? And when the nurses come in, it's the best because they're solely focused on the mom, which they should be. Yeah. Right? And the baby. And you're like in the corner wanting to maybe like chime in, but you're like, no one's even engaging with me in this thing. So it's like, if I speak up, am I just like gonna get yelled at? Yeah. Is it like I'm like the random dude in the corner, like, hey, anybody else uh see it this way? I'm part I'm I'm a small part of the equation here. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 1:25

Don't forget about me.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:26

So we were just talking about this before we started recording. It's something that I think a lot of people can relate to. Talking about loved ones, especially, we're gonna talk about parents. You know, you you kind of look back at, I guess, at your dynamic, your family of origin, patterns as you kind of grow up. There's certain traits, and as you get older and evolve, you're like, the way they did this or the way this was in the house, I'm gonna opt not to do this. But I think some of these things need to be talked about out loud.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

And I think where you're going with this is no one wants to sit there and just like bash on our parents. We know that they showed up the best way that they possibly could in the situation. With that said, we also are putting a lot of time, effort, resources into becoming the best version of ourselves we can with our families. And we know that times have changed and things are different. But there are moments when you recognize an old pattern from when you were growing up, or you recognize something that your parents did, and you're like, that's so far removed from who I am and the person that I'm trying to be, that I almost want to say something to them and I almost want to just help them correct that behavior or the way they're showing up. It's still there, it's still there today. Exactly. And they're not changing. And then part of you is like, is it even worth the effort to have the conversations with them? Is it even worth like trying to point it out? Because it's like sometimes when I just sit back and think about it, it starts making me feel frustrated. I'm like, why can't you see it this way?

SPEAKER_02 3:03

And I think in certain situations, the parent hasn't made the transition from from adult to adult. So from parent to adult. It's still that parent to child. I mean, we're still their kids. Yeah. But I do think with certain situations, and I I don't want to speak out of place, but I think maybe with as we talk about like with yours, maybe there's still that where you, you know, with your dad, he never made that transition where you're an adult. Yeah. You know what I mean? For sure. In in the way that kind of that pattern is, he still talks to you like you're 14.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

Yeah, and I think he like has definitely has moments where like we can talk more openly, you know, and I and I maybe that's because the way he's picking up on the conversations I'm saying. And like I'm not speaking like a 14-year-old would speak anymore, like having these, like this dialogue with him that's very free and open. But I think at the same time, in his mind, to your point, he's like, This is still my son, and where I always will be your son, right? Like, we have to move past like this is my son that was from the age of zero or one to eighteen living in my home, to this is my son who's in their 40s, 30s, whatever it is, 20s, even right. It's a very different chapter. And the way that you're interacting with them, I believe, and I'm just speaking from my own experience, that most kids want you as that parent, then to start treating them like another adult. And it's like, of course, they're always gonna be your dad, or they're always gonna be your mom, but you can transition cross it to where it's like, but we can also walk together now. You don't have to guide me anymore, you don't have to be in front anymore.

SPEAKER_02 4:48

Not that I'm not looking for guidance or wisdom, like with that, but it but there is that, yeah, there's that kind of side-by-side relationship that I think needs to happen.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Right.

SPEAKER_02 4:59

And then you start thinking about I was thinking about this. I mean, you start going down this other side of it, and I know people and have known people that are full-on adults, and maybe they don't even see the the the dynamic there where it's this the parent still treats them like a child, but then they're on like a cell phone plan, or they're you know what I'm saying? Then they're then it's like okay, then you can't be angry at that dynamic if you're not, you know, you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, and you're you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 5:27

You're still yeah, so it's like the the child gets frustrated, or when we're saying child, this is an adult now at this point, is frustrated. And it Gary Via talked about this a ton. Like you can't sit there and shit on your parents, right, and you're still like getting their paying for your Uber or like you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 5:46

Like paying for your gas or something, or dude, you're living in the basement.

SPEAKER_00 5:50

Yeah, like you cannot sit there and talk shit on your parents if you're still living in the basement. I think that that's frustrating because I can still I can see it, like try to put myself in that position. I understand why the kids are frustrated towards the parents because they're they're treating them like a child still. You got to take ownership of how you're showing up to the equation, too.

SPEAKER_02 6:11

Like you're perpetuating that dynamic.

SPEAKER_00 6:13

Yeah, no question, dude. With uh so here's one with my with my dad. So I grew up, like he taught me a ton about like property management stuff and investing and all of that, which I'm so grateful for. But it got to a certain point, like fresh out of college, didn't really want to go into the profession that one of my degrees was in, right? It was in criminal justice. I did that for my dad, like a hundred percent did that.

SPEAKER_02 6:36

Did you know at the time when you were doing that, that that was for your dad, or did it take you years down the line to to look back and go, shit, that was not for me, that was for him.

SPEAKER_00 6:44

Dude, I no, I knew it out the gate. Yeah, it was one of these, like, if I become, you know, in law enforcement, military, one of these things, then we're gonna have this amazing, like, you know, then you get that validation. Yeah, forever bond, and he's gonna be like super proud of me and kind of a thing, you know. I was I was seeking that a lot as a kid. Like coming out of that, I started working for him in his property management company and doing a lot of things. Well, it got to a certain point where I started doing my own investment, started, you know, getting my own property, starting to do it, but I was still using his property management thing, even though I was like kind of doing a lot, yeah, I was doing a lot of the work within his organization, but I was doing that now for my own places. And it was getting to the point, Frankie, where it was like, I'm doing transactions for my own property, maintenance calls, you know, going to the store to get things for the property, and I'm running the business card, but this business card is attached to him and his business. So it's like there was no degree of separation between what I was creating and what he had created. Like no autonomy. There was no autonomy, and it felt like at that same point, it's like almost like, well, it's dad's account or or whatever, you know. So having to really step away from that and be like, no, you gotta totally like create your own business, you gotta do it all yourself, and you gotta run it, you know. And it goes back to that whole like not you can't ask for your parents to be like on their phone plan and stuff like that and and then still be mad at them. Right. Another just like follow-up on that for some of the men that are maybe listening to this that are going through a similar thing, or women, it can't be one and then like taking something else. And here's a great example. I can't be upset at like the fact that we're doing business together and and and all of this, right? And then finally create my own business. But then when something becomes comfortable, like he has a resource or he has a a connection in that, and then I'm using them and still being upset about it. Like you can't do that, you gotta like totally just go cut the top. It's one and one and all. Yeah. So it's not when it's just convenient to you then again. It's like you just gotta cut those ties because I feel like that's the only way that then you yourself feel like at least you're walking side by side. They might not still view it that way, right? But at least at that point you can say, I've done everything I can so that I can walk alongside of them as my own individual and not need them for the sake of being able to walk next to them. That kind of does that sounds weird, but I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying.

SPEAKER_02 9:31

Yeah, we were just talking about this before we started recording and like you know, conversations, do you have them with your parents, like when there's stuff that's there, or obviously you accept them for who they are. Um, but you know, what point do you say something, or do you just keep it to yourself because you know that by having the conversation, it's not gonna resonate, you know, at that point. You're an adult, they're older, set in their ways, and you kind of know what you either have said or are gonna say that is gonna resonate or not. Spitball in here, but you probably have had a conversation or two or ten in your lifetime, and you know how they're gonna receive certain things. Yeah. So at this point, do you just keep it to yourself or you know, and let them be who they are, and then we worry about our response and our reaction to what we already know. You know, setting boundaries and just being either not engaging or opting to not be a part of that conversation at that moment because you know it's not gonna go like you'd like it to go.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

And I think the thing that's really hard about that is at the end of the day, they're still your parents. And I know who I know you and I know myself, like we're still gonna want to try to show up even when they do the thing that makes us upset. I think it is important though to if you feel comfortable and you feel like you can at least try to have the conversation before because if you don't to a certain degree and they keep doing that behavior, it's gonna come out as like frustration and anger. And you can snap at them and yeah, you totally snap out of them. And most people can feel like just the energy we've talked about. That's like you're there, I'm like, I'm here, but I like don't want to be here. Yeah, I'm very sure. Yeah, yeah. I'm here to do the thing, but I don't want to be here. Right. You know, and they can feel it right out the gate. You know, we can feel it when we show up that way.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

Well, it's it's like with my mom, that's a good example of that, where you know, she's gonna be 88. My my mom is older and she's she's stubborn, but it's it served her well for a a lot of her life just being kind of set in her ways and stubborn because she's almost 88. But at the same time, that stubbornness, it's kind of becoming where it's working against her. Like I think we've talked about this growing up, uh and I and it took me years to to see this that I was actually doing this. And then I think I was talking at people a lot. I wasn't talking to people until I had somebody externally kind of point it out and I wasn't listening. So now I'm very I try to be a work in progress, but I try to be in tune and try to have a conversation with my ma. And I see where I got it, like the pattern, and and my brother's the same way. I it just frustrates me when you have a conversation and it's just one-sided and and and you you say something and you don't get a response to that. You get something else that's waiting to come out of her head. And it I don't know if I were to say something at this point. I I know it would upset her. I know that. Yeah, but to speak to your point, what you said is sometimes I get so irritated that I get snippy or I wear it on my sleeve, and and that's not fair to her. So it's that like I don't know what to say, if I should say it at all at this point.

SPEAKER_00 12:42

And dude, uh, you and I have both lost a parent. And I think what's challenging with that is sometimes, especially being the child, we want to reach out. Like you might want to reach out to your dad. I would love to reach out to my mom and say about the other parent, like, why are they acting like this? Can you say something to her?

SPEAKER_02 13:00

Yeah, but it's uh and it's funny you say that because like if I could have that conversation with my dad, I think he would he would totally receive it. Yeah, you know, he would he because my dad was different in that sense. Like when we talked, I didn't feel like he was kind of talking at me when we'd have a conversation. And with my mom, and then not that she doesn't like I don't want to like, and that's another thing. I don't want to make it sound like my mom is this horrible person. It's she's I love my mom. I love so many there's so many great qualities about my mom, and I love talking to her, but sometimes when we most of the time when we have these conversations, it's very just she's just saying stuff and doesn't listen to what what I'm saying, and then she's just waiting to say the next thing.

SPEAKER_00 13:41

Yeah. See, and that's the same thing with my dad. It's like you love him. Like it's I'm not sitting here trying to like pick him apart. It's who they are. But it they're that's just who they are, and uh it's very fortunate, I think, that you and I were able to kind of see that maybe we had those characteristics like growing up, but we put effort into really working on him and fixing it, you know. My mom would have been the same way, my mom would have listened and just been like, What's going on? You know, so she was that space where then that void's like kind of gone, but you're expecting the behavior from the other parent to kind of change, yeah. And it's just that's just who they are, man. And so with that said, is there anything that you feel like maybe Axl's brought to your attention that you either really took into consideration or he's mentioned a few times and you're just like keep showing up that same way?

SPEAKER_02 14:37

Well, I can't I do remember him, I can't remember how he worded it, but basically said that you know what we're talking about where the energy, I mean he's I can't remember what it was, it was a while ago, but I know exactly what he's talking about, and that as I I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I can we've talked about that. I can change the energy in a room. I'm aware of that. And he said, I can't remember how he worded it, but I knew exactly what he was saying. And I told him, I'm like, buddy, I'm I'm working on me, and I appreciate you saying these things. I want to know so I can change it. Yeah, but I'm getting better at catching it, but sometimes you're in it and it's hard to even you're just in it. Yeah, and you're like, oh shit, and it might be too late at that point.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

Totally. Isn't that fascinating? He can say something to you, and you're taking it as a oh, I should probably work on this.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:23

So why can't we then go to our parents and do the same? Is it because the times were very they didn't, they never had these conversations, they didn't take the time. They didn't, I guarantee you. Oh, they yeah, they definitely didn't have the conversations, but they didn't even think that there was an issue to be worked on. And it almost felt like, and I don't know how how you are with this, it almost felt like if you were to have brought that up at our boys' age, they would have lost their shit. Like, you don't tell me how to parent, like I would have been a whole, it would have been a whole show, dude.

SPEAKER_02 15:56

Well, and I and so I'm going back to the com I'm trying to think like what my dad would say. It's so weird, like thinking of the dynamic of the two. Like I was definitely closer to my ma growing up because I spent more time with my mom. Sure. My dad was working, but the little time that I had with my dad, not that I had like many, I had time with him, but it was definitely compared to the two, wasn't as much as I had with my ma. He just seemed like if I were to say, I think if I were to say something like what we're talking about at Axel's age to my dad, I do think that he would have received it pretty well. I do. I don't think my ma, I think my ma would have probably got pissed.

SPEAKER_03 16:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 16:33

You know what I mean? I mean, I think she I but I don't know. I mean, I don't know that. That's it's only what I think. Sure. I don't know for sure. Maybe both of them would have been pissed.

SPEAKER_00 16:42

It's really fascinating because even looking back at that concept, like I don't think at our boys' age, like I would have even tried to have said anything. That would have been more of a like when I was a teenager and thought my shit didn't stink. I would have said something like, uh, like a jab, you know what I mean? That would have come out as like a that would have come out as a jab. But the coolest thing about this is it's showing the landscape that you and I are creating within our families. Yeah that we're we are asking the questions so that we can become better. Because I I don't know. I don't think the boys would come up with our McTruth moments or whatever. I don't think the boy, excuse me, would like walk in and say, Hey, dad, like I uh I have something I want to tell you about your behavior. It's because I'm like, hey guys, is there anything that dads have been doing recently? The way I interact with you or some of the things I say to you, is there anything there that you would like dad to change? Or is there anything that really bothers you that dad says? So it's almost like you as a parent have to engage them at that level so that hopefully when they become teenagers, it's not a jab anymore. It's a hey dad, like I want to have a real conversation with you about this.

SPEAKER_02 17:53

Yeah, like last night you were this way and it made me feel this way, and it's like I would much rather have to you're a debag dad.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

Yeah, or saying something out of anger. Yeah, and then it's because what's that naturally gonna do? Then it's just gonna cause conflict in the house. Yeah, then it's like, oh yeah, ego versus ego, right?

SPEAKER_02 18:13

So I'm thinking about what you said a second ago, and then I I was actually thinking about I think we mentioned it on the last episode, and that is catching Axel in that last lie. Remember that? Yeah. So when I came down from upstairs, I was upstairs editing, I came down, he just immediately threw the the iPad to the side. So that told me that he's watching something that he that he shouldn't have been watching. And at first I w my head went down like, okay, what is he watching? Is it something bad? And it really wasn't, it was like these stupid YouTube things shorts for kids or whatever. It wasn't anything. The fact that he lied and then lied again, but then he said, So later that day we were talking about it or that night with Tammy, or might have been been the next day, but we were talking about it, and he said, I don't know, I just got really I just really got afraid when you came down, and that could be again because of the energy, even though at the time I didn't I didn't feel I wasn't in a pissy mood, but I think because there's been several situations in the past, it's maybe how I came in and and he just thought, oh no. Yeah, for sure. You know, he's mad, and then he goes to that, oh, I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing. I don't know, but that that's kind of what made me think of that when you said that. Because again, I not that it makes it right, but I mean there is a cause and effect to the way we are or act. Yes, and that could have a an effect on our kids on how they act.

SPEAKER_00 19:33

I think I talked to you about this, but we didn't share it in the last episode. So on over the yeah, over the weekend, my garage door.

SPEAKER_02 19:41

Oh, we just talked we talked about it a minute like for a minute at coffee the other day. So we didn't know. But we didn't talk about it on the show. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

So my garage door was acting up. I pride myself on fixing a lot of these things, and I kind of got to the point where I just felt I was beyond my like working knowledge of the garage door. I was like, if it is the spring, uh they're dangerous as hell. Like, yeah. So I was like, I don't have the tools and stuff with me, and I'm gonna we're just gonna call a professional.

SPEAKER_02 20:08

Yeah, it's beyond my pay grade. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

Yeah, and that and that's a hard one for me to yeah, especially when it comes to home maintenance and stuff. Like, I'm pretty good at most of it. And I had had it, it was like working, working, and then it stopped again. So I was like, okay, they come out anyway. Long story short, they fix the garage door. Well, that evening we are getting ready to to leave to go to Taekwondo, and I'm backing out, and for some reason I hit the remote again. I don't even know why. It's just one of those things that happened, okay, right? And the garage door starts coming down while I'm backing out of the garage. Do you remember hitting it or just one of the things? No, I didn't hit it. I think I think what happened or something. Thank goodness. I usually look at just my display when I'm backing up, but for some reason I turned around and saw it and I look back and I just see black, like because it's closing the the lights, like shutting down, literally, right?

SPEAKER_02 21:02

So there's no sensor to stop it.

SPEAKER_00 21:04

Like so I think the center stopped it, but it was like right at one of those okay, maybe an inch off of the trunk of my car, like like literally right up, yeah. And I kicked the thing back into like drive to like go forward. Just innately, I was like, like, what are you guys doing? And and Liam, Liam's like, I didn't do anything, Dad. Wow. So that was the immediate reaction. And dude, I was like the whole drive into Taekwondo, I was like, holy shit, man, you are putting unnecessary pressure because of the dialogue you use. You are like in this, like, very much so like blaming, it sounds like blaming of others. Even though inside, yeah, I I knew no one did anything. Like it was just kind of it just kind of came out and it was almost like the thing with the iPad where I didn't even say anything.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

It's just my energy, and then they take it as like I did something wrong.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Yeah, dude. So then that same night, same night, Frankie, there. In there throwing the ball to Roxy, and Liam throws the ball and tags her in the face, and she yelps, and she can't open her one eye for a little bit. Okay. Yeah. And I'm getting ready to go in and read to Jackson, and I'm tired at this point, dude. I just want to like not be a dad in this moment. I just want to like get into bed and go to sleep, right? And I'm like, I gotta go in and read and do all the things, which I love, but sometimes it's just exhausting, dude. And I'm in there and I'm like, and I seriously, Liam, you know, and I'm like, Are you are you kidding me? And I see him put his hands like on his face and put his head down. And Katie comes in later. We're chatting after, like, you know, I had gone into the room and Liam says, Hey dad, I'm sorry for hurting your dog. And I said, First and foremost, buddy, it's our dog. And I go, You didn't mean it, dude. I'm dad's just tired, bro. And I didn't really like get into a full repair, but I wanted him to know like I was like, Dad's just tired, man. And then I talked to Katie, and Katie's like, Hey, by the way, he was like crying, he's bummed out, and he says that you're always just you're so upset with his choices. Oh boy. And I was like, Holy shit, because that's not the reality. I'm so damn proud of my son. Like, he's incredible. We do butt heads sometimes, but not nearly. Like, like it's been a long time, and like I'm so proud of who he is. Yeah. And not because of anything he's performing, right? And I'm like, I need to let him know this.

SPEAKER_02 23:26

Because their perception is the reality.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

Yeah, their perception is the reality. And I'm like, he is going to try to please me the same way I tried to please my dad, always growing up, right? And I was like, that shit is not happening. I have to make this right. Fortunately, the universe gave me an opportunity that like I just kind of like went with. So I have these gravity boots and the pull-up bar. I'm upside down, and he comes and he sits right by me, like while I'm doing that. So I'm hanging upside down, blood's rushing to my head. I'm looking at his little eyes, and I was like, here's the moment. And I just went up like and told him how proud I am. Not because what he's achieving, but I'm just proud because of the moment he was in my life. That was enough. It's like, thanks, dad. And I can just you could just feel it, right? And he needed that. Oh, he needed it, dude. And it was able to, in that moment, was like so powerful, expressing to him all the things he's doing for him and why I just love sitting back and watching him do all these things for him. It's just such a joy to be an observer in his life, kind of a thing, you know? Later on, we like go in to tuck him in and he's like, hey dad, thank you so much for all of that. He's like, I and he said this, I do it all for you. And I said, No, do it for you, bud. Like, I'll love you no matter what. Right. And he and he just like bear hugged me. And I was like, dude, this is what it's about. Understand, we have to make these things right, dude, because if not, they carry it, they're gonna carry it their whole life, dude.

SPEAKER_02 24:56

Well, and to have the conversations, like you said earlier, at this, like with our kids, and we're having these these moments, these conversations. So when we all get older and they make that transition from child to an adult, but they're still our kids, but we're adult to adult. Yes, then we're able to have these conversations with each other. Like if there's something that we're doing that's bothering us, or vice versa, like, hey, or I just want to bring this up, then you can have them because if not, then you're gonna have to start a podcast like this and then talk shit on your parents without having that conversation. Right. You know what I mean? Dude, this is a good conversation. That's awesome, man. This is this is really good. Dadhood.co. You gotta check out the website and our nonprofit. And then we've got an event coming up. It's gonna be the Sunday prior to Father's Day.

SPEAKER_00 25:44

The Saturday prior to Father. Oh, the Saturday. Oh, yeah. We're gonna do the 13th of June. Perfect. Yeah. More details on that coming up. Absolutely. Check dadhood.com or co. Go to the nonprofit section and you'll see Father's Day event. Check it out.

SPEAKER_02 25:57

Talk to you guys soon. Peace.