Breaking the patterns we inherited from our parents

This week on DADHOOD, we get real about the traits we inherit from our parents — the ones that helped us survive as kids but might be holding us back as dads, husbands, and men today.

We talk about breaking generational patterns, why we sometimes raise our voices, hustle for validation, struggle with presence, and unknowingly carry childhood survival tools into adulthood. From therapy breakthroughs to parenting awareness, this conversation dives deep into what it actually looks like to evolve as a father and stop passing down the things we’re still healing from ourselves.

If you've ever caught yourself reacting in a way that felt familiar… or wondered why certain parenting moments hit harder than they should — this episode is for you.

We also talk about:

•  Why yelling doesn’t create connection 
•  The pressure dads unknowingly put on themselves 
•  Childhood coping mechanisms that follow us into adulthood 
•  Seeking validation from parents, partners, and success 
•  Why your kids need your presence more than perfection

Because being a better dad sometimes starts with understanding the little boy you used to be.

Chapters

00:00 – DADHOOD Father’s Day Event Announcement
03:12 – The Traits We Inherit From Our Parents
06:08 – Why Dads Raise Their Voice (Without Realizing It)
10:42 – Childhood Survival Tools That Don’t Serve You Anymore
15:18 – Why We Chase Validation as Adults
19:46 – “You’re Dragging the Raft Through the Woods”
24:02 – The Hidden Pressure of Hustle Culture for Dads
29:15 – Are You Truly Present With Your Kids?
34:20 – The Connection We Were Missing Growing Up
39:08 – Parenting While Healing Your Own Childhood
44:15 – Why “That’s Just Who I Am” Is Dangerous
48:27 – Building a Better Version of Fatherhood
52:30 – Final Thoughts + Dadhood Father’s Day Meetup

Takeaways

1. Childhood survival tools don’t always work in adulthood

The habits that protected us as kids — shutting down, yelling, avoiding conflict, people pleasing — may now be hurting our relationships as fathers and partners.

2. Awareness is the first step to breaking generational patterns

You can’t change what you don’t recognize. Becoming aware of inherited behaviors is where growth starts.

3. Raising your voice often comes from stress — not the moment

Most parenting reactions aren’t about the immediate situation. They’re usually tied to deeper stress, pressure, or unresolved experiences.

4. Your kids want your presence more than perfection

Children remember how emotionally available you were far more than achievements, money, or productivity.

5. Many dads are unknowingly chasing validation

Whether through work, success, fitness, or parenting — a lot of men are still trying to earn approval they didn’t fully receive growing up.

6. “That’s just who I am” keeps people stuck

Growth requires honesty. Self-awareness matters more than defending unhealthy patterns.

7. Connection beats performance

Being a great dad isn’t about constantly doing more — it’s about creating meaningful moments of connection.

8. Healing yourself helps heal your family

The more inner work dads do, the less emotional baggage gets passed to their kids.

9. Honest conversations with other dads matter

Fatherhood feels lighter when dads have a space to talk openly without judgment.

10. We’re all evolving in real time

No dad has it fully figured out — but showing up, reflecting, and trying again matters most. 

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Thanks for listening to the DADHOOD Podcast. If this episode resonated with you, make sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with another dad who’s figuring it out one day at a time.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:02

Yo, what's up? What's up? Welcome to the dadhood. Yeah, welcome to the dadhood. We were just talking about this right before we hit record that we have our event coming up right around the corner. It's June 13th. It's the Saturday before Father's Day weekend. Correct. So it's going to be Mill Hollow Park in Cottonwood Heights.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Yep, from 10 to noon.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

And it's basically just a meetup where we want to just hang with you, meet you, get to know you, and we've got the park there. The kids can play.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Uh dads could go for a walk around the there's a big walk around the parkway there. You could go for just come and have conversations.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

And we're going to work on like some some giveaways. We've got some opportunity drawings. I know Just Ingredients just uh said that they would give us like a gift basket.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

Which is amazing.

SPEAKER_02 0:48

Yeah. So Carl in over there is amazing, just an amazing product or products that they have. So they're going to do like a variety gift basket. Our friends over at the Lifetime store, Nate said that he'll give us one of their lifetime coolers.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

That's so awesome.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

So we're going to have all kinds of different, yeah, all kinds of different things for this, these opportunity drawings.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

Yeah, we have one of those uh Tiffy bags. If you've seen the post, whereas like playing with the boys, it's basically a bag you just keep in your trunk and it has it all, dude. It has cones in it basketball, football, it has pickleball, paddles, it's got like every kind of like sport that you'd want to play just at the park. And the coolest thing is, I mean, our kid, our boys are young, right? So the attention span is very limited. So by the time we've thrown the football four times, they're like, let's play basketball. And I'm like, cool, we have it all there. So he's given one of those for us to give away, which is cool. We have some other companies that we've been talking to and just really looking forward to this, man. Just face-to-face action with other dads in the community, and just that's what it's about.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

We just want to like kind of get this dadhood thing kind of moving, yeah. Like, because we've been a lot of moving parts to it behind the scenes, like just with what we're doing with the podcast, but we want to kind of try to take it to the next level.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Absolutely. Build out the actual community engagement, right?

SPEAKER_02 2:02

So June 13th, Mill Hollow Park, but it's right there in Cottonwood Heights. It's over near the there's like the coffee and cocoa tucked in the neighborhood.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

Yeah, and if you want to go on to dadhood.co, you can see under the nonprofit tag tab, that is, there's the Father's Day events, and it has on the Mill Hollow Park, but if you click on it, it will Google maps it and bring it up for you so you can see more detail where it's at. Sweet.

SPEAKER_02 2:25

And the website is within the podcast description.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 2:28

So where we left off with the last episode, we were talking about our parents and growing up and yeah, like kind of the dynamics in the household and that sort of thing. I kind of wanted to expound on that a little bit more as far as just having more conversations about as you get older, and hopefully, because not everybody has the awareness, right? And you see some of the maybe the traits or the things that you inherit from your upbringing. Is there anything that you can think of as far as uh a trait or something that you inherited that you became aware of and you changed?

SPEAKER_01 3:07

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And this was you know, a lot of this kind of stuff comes up when going through therapy, right? But this one wasn't. This was fortunate. My um, my wife and I, we talk about a lot of these things like what am I what am I doing around the house? What energy am I bringing? What can I do better? And I realized um raising my voice when I would get angry, I would I my default is and it's not yelling, but I get very aggressive with my voice, and I have a deeper voice anyway, so it comes across very authoritative and and mean. So I realized that was like the default growing up. Like that was like the tone in the house. There was like yelling, there was things going on constantly. So like I think I was just programmed to, well, if you want attention, yell, raise your voice, get loud, yeah, right. Instead of realizing the best way to get someone's attention is to be more calm and have that conversation with them, right?

SPEAKER_02 4:05

Well, and research shows, and we've talked about that, like when you whisper, oh yeah, it causes that, like if it's your child or your spouse or just the person that you're talking to. Now you don't have to whisper. That sounds creepy if you're just whispering. Hey, yeah. But no, they're saying, like, especially since we're talking about kids, like when you have a softer tone, almost a whisper, it causes you to lean in to listen.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

So there's that, because when you're the exact opposite, dude, that's just causing you to shut down. You know, and I was realizing that that was like just a secondary emotion that came up when I would get angered, angry or triggered, right? And so trying to break that pattern has it has been difficult. I have to be very aware of it, and I'm catching myself because I can feel the tension building up in my body, that like anger, and it's based off of usually it's based off of something like I'm stressed dealing with something non-related to the actual situation, and I have very little patience, and then you know, it's back talk or something like that, and it's like zero to a hundred.

SPEAKER_02 5:09

So where when you try to trace it even further, yeah, like with that, because it's you because it you're right, it usually is it's like work or bills or something that your mind is preoccupied, yeah, and you're a little anxious and maybe worried about this or just thinking about something, and it takes like something that they do, and then it triggers you, and then you was your dad or your mom doing or your stepmom so yeah, my stepmom. Yeah, do you were they that way as well? So is that where it came from in the house when they were yelling? Was it because they had that kind of thing they were preoccupied with yeah, you know, with everything like money, bills?

SPEAKER_01 5:42

Sure. No, I love this question because when I unpack this even deeper on that, like there's something that happened way before becoming a parent myself, right? And I think it was because I was always the peace trying to be the peacekeeper. So by being a key peacekeeper, I would go meek, I would go quiet, I play small. And if I played small, I'm not gonna have an authoritative voice, right? I'm gonna be hey, hey guys, can you can you knock that off? Like, please please don't yell, kind of a like situation like that. Yeah. So now being a dad, I'm like, I need people to respect me. And I I don't subconsciously, maybe the respect came from well, the people I looked up to were yelling.

SPEAKER_02 6:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

So that's what you have to do to get the respect.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

And in a sense, maybe if you want to really break it down, you weren't getting the respect.

SPEAKER_01 6:33

Oh, I wasn't getting respect then. Because yeah, they're just like, you're just a kid, you don't know exactly. Exactly. You're the child, you're not gonna tell me anything. So now I'm like, I'm in this authoritative role by nature now, and so it's like, you're gonna respect me. Yeah. And not realizing that it was doing the actual opposite of that. It was causing more divide in the house when I would raise my voice and stuff.

SPEAKER_02 6:57

Have you ever had this conversation with your dad or no? Um or has it been like if you did get into it, was it like maybe just a little servicey and it didn't get too deep? Yeah, it'd probably be more servicey, man. I mean I'm just kind of curious like what he would say or how he would react or respond to you saying, hey. And you're it's that's the thing. And we were talking about this last episode is you want to have, and that's the thing where I want to have with my mom certain conversations. I don't know if she has the ability to go deep, but then you know, you don't want to hurt them. You don't want them to take it the wrong way when you're just because you're not you it's not coming from a place of attack. Like not attacking. I'm just trying to figure, basically figure out the the traits. And these are things that this is all you knew. And I'm not coming at you in the sense of a parent, that's all you knew. And to talking about when you're a kid, that's all we knew. Yeah, how to deal like those were the tools that we had that it goes back again to when we're adults, they don't serve us anymore. For sure. So we needed those to survive, right? And those traits that we might have now. That's the thing. When you become aware and you're like, okay, this is why I do the things I do. It's because of my upbringing, it's because of what I needed to do to survive as a kid in that household, but then now as an adult, it's not serving me. So that's the beauty of having the awareness, is we can see that. But some people just never have that, and they're like, I don't have a problem. And it's like, well, yeah, do I know, you know, but you gotta kind of do some looking in.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

You gotta look in, and the wild thing is while you're saying this and sitting there like you know, evolving out loud, like Kyle Cease would say. Um in this moment, there's there's even deeper levels. So you have like the interaction with your parent as a child, and you're trying to survive or do what you feel you need to do in those moments, right? But then when you become an adult, there's like secondary things on top of it. And I want to say this as the example because we talked about this before we started recording, is there's this hustle belief system that if I perform, if I keep busy, if I do do do do, then I'll get the attention that I want. Then I'll get the the thing that you were fighting for originally. So the yelling and playing meek was a me being like, if I play small or if I'm quiet and I'm good, then they're gonna give me the attention I want. It it goes all back to like you're you're seeking for attention. No question. Yeah. So at home, a lot of these times when I'm getting most triggered, it's because I'm also in the middle of trying to do something. Yeah. I'm not in the middle of trying to connect with my kids. I'm not in the middle of being present. Right. I'm in the middle of trying to build, grow, grind, hustle, make things happen.

SPEAKER_02 9:43

You're trying to go back and kind of undo some of the stuff from the past. You're trying to, I mean, that's where we're coming, but that's the thing. And to be aware of it is is beautiful, right? It'd like to because this is where we're breaking or trying to, and it's easier said than done, trying to break those patterns.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

Because we're gonna carry them forward. And then the reality is our kids are gonna carry them with them. They're going to do their own situation of controlling the environment, their environment, and that's gonna play out in in their lives. And I think that part of what you and I are doing, not only the work way beyond the podcast that we're that we're putting in, but like even these conversations and allowing that space, is because I don't want, and I know you don't want our children carrying our crap with them, our shit, lugging our shit. It's like literally, like, and you were the best, Frankie. You told me that one time. You're like, dude, you are just like you're dragging, I think you said like a boat dragging the raft through the woods, through the woods.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

That was a therapist that told me that in my mid-30s and was talking about how in situations, because I was in a relationship at the time, and it was a toxic relationship, and we would get into these horrific fights. You know, the family of origin where she came from, they fought a lot. It was a lot of chaos, and that was equated, I think, to love. And I wasn't used to that. So we would fight, and it just felt like it was very unnerving to me to fight all the time, and everything was always like a big, just a big to-do.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:09

A lot of the time during this relationship, I would literally leave. That's what I used to do with the dynamic that I had with my older brother, as he was five years older, emotionally, physically, everything just overpowered me. And when I was a child, and we get into it, even as a young teenager or tween, I would just bolt. I would leave. And that was at the time, it served me. That was the only resource and tool that I had. So as I became an adult, that was all I knew. That's all I knew what to do or how to get out of the situation, which is not good. Sure. Because I think she had things with, like a lot of people do, the abandonment thing. So I was fueling that. Uh, but that was the therapist that told me she said, you know, what served you as a child with the dynamic with your brother, that raft that you used as a tool, you're dragging it through the woods. As an adult, it's not serving you anymore. You have to let it go. To talk through this, though, it is the evolving out loud. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

Oh man. Oh man, dude. And I think that's where we're trying to create this space. I mean, that's what this whole dadhood movement is really about. It's like we can evolve out loud with each other. We're not like, hey, let's go and and wrestle each other and punch each other in the face, brother, and become men. It's like, it's like, look, we're already men. Like, we're what we're trying to do is create a true, authentic version of ourselves and just show up unapologetically and and be together. And I think that that's really something I want my boys to be able to see in me. Um, I w I wonder that often, how many times am I like just wearing another mask, as I said in therapy, like another role? Which role am I playing right now? Yeah. And I don't want to play a role in front of my family, which could be a very easy thing to do, right? I could show up as dad and play this version of dad that I think they need, they want to make them happy, but I think then they don't get the real experience. Well, and that can be exhausting. Yeah. Especially if you're playing several roles. It's like right. Because you're employing maybe employer or employee, you're playing spouse, you're playing or whatever relationship you're in. You know what I mean? They're just like role after role after role, and it's like, oh, hold on, costume change. Let me let me step into this one. Like, where am I? What role am I playing? Start like freaking out.

SPEAKER_02 13:27

Like, somebody feed me a line. Yeah, feed me a line. You know what I mean? So yeah, I've just been thinking a lot about like our last conversation. And then, like I had said, I I talked to my mom, had a conversation with her recently, and my mom's almost 88. And and I realized, like, just thinking about my upbringing and asking questions about her upbringing, and my mom just couldn't. I don't, and I don't think it, you know, there's part of me that thinks that she is she's just not telling me things because it's maybe hurtful for her, or is she not able to go deep? And I I I think that she's just not able to, she doesn't have the ability. So she grew up in you know an Italian household. My grandpa came over when he was a kid from Italy. My my grandma was from Sicily, she had four siblings, so a total of five kids. They didn't talk to them. Took me like several questions to get that from my mom. Like, what because what I remember with grandma Mashone, and that's my ma's ma, when we go over as kids, because my grandpa died before I was born. I said, She didn't talk to us, and that's fine, but I don't remember you guys ever having a lot to say. And we would see her like a couple times a week. I said, It was just there was not a lot of conversation going on. She's like, Well, yeah, we just didn't talk. And I'm like, So was it like that when you were little? She said, Yeah, they really didn't talk to us. And I'm like, Okay, that makes sense. Just kind of like picking it apart, but this is why I feel like I struggle and I'm gotten better at it, and I think my career has helped me uh to an extent, but I have to be really cognizant of it. But I struggle to go deep and I struggle to communicate. So the the fact that I made this a career 30 plus years in radio, and then now I'm doing the podcasting thing, but it really is kind of ironic to me. But then I've really tried to figure out okay, where what is that? I think I was chasing and still am that connectivity, that connection that I don't think I got in the house. Because I've mentioned before, growing up in our house, it was a very loving home, but it felt like there wasn't a lot of there was connection. I don't want to say it like that, but it wasn't, it was very surfacey, and it was just a lot of people talking at each other. And my dad was a little different. I and I was my connection to my mom or my the dynamic that I had with my mom was definitely closer to her. And I mentioned this in our last episode. I think I mentioned this because I was around my mom more.

SPEAKER_00 15:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 15:49

My dad worked. Sure. But the moments that I had with my dad, I do feel like if he were still here, he died right before Axel was born in 2016. I just remember having those conversations. He he had the ability to go deeper. And I do remember having some deeper conversations with my dad. I just don't think my mom can. So I do think that in the house, because my ma was around more, we just talked at each other. Nobody listened, and that's why maybe I I do know. Okay, so I'm like all over the road here with this, or all over. But my dad was a big fan of the medium of radio. He loved it. And I think, well, I know deep down because he introduced me. I told you this, like at the age of six or seven, he introduced me. It was a big production, turned the lights down, he was very like dramatic about it, and the dimmer switch that he just installed in the house. And he was like, I want you to close your eyes and I want you to think and use your imagination. He said, Because when I was your age, my dad was born in 1937. He said, We didn't have TV. So our TV were the old-time radio shows, and you had to use your imagination. So that's when he introduced me to like all these old-time radio shows on the record player. Like, he had all these records, and I have them now. And that was our thing. The little time that I I mean, I say little time, but the time that I had with my dad growing up, we would be listening to music or those old-time radio shows, even as as an like a teenager. And then I knew at a young age I wanted to go into radio. I didn't figure that out until my mid-30s. I'm like, oh, my dad planted the seed, not not knowing. He just something that he loved, exposed me to it. And that's why I got into radio. But I do think there was some deeper elements to that. I think I was probably chasing that connection that I don't think I got in the house.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:29

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 17:30

Oh, 100%, man.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

And so I'm but I worry, like as a father, and then I think, and I'm trying not to be too much in my head with this, but with Axel, you know, the time that I'm spending with him, and I really try to be more aware of just truly connecting with him. Because sometimes we're together and and I'll I'll walk away and go, I feel like I didn't connect with him in that moment, or that the moments that we had, or the little time that we had, or whatever we were doing, I didn't feel like we connected. But maybe that's different. Maybe he felt like a connection.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:00

You know what I mean? So I'm like always trying to like I'm trying to achieve that, but I don't know if I if I am. I don't know if I'm I'm actually, I don't know, because it's something that I felt like and still feel like I lacked, and I feel like I chase and I struggle with.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

I struggle with just articulating and not just connecting, but I feel like finding the words I struggle.

SPEAKER_01 18:21

Ooh, dude, I'm I'm there with you, man. Like I reflecting back, looking at like what things did I chase. I mean, definitely went down the whole like criminal justice, military contemplation stuff for my dad. But on my mom's side, and I don't think you and I have like even like really talked about this, but my mom was all about the entertainment. And my mom was all about like you could be, you could be a big celebrity and you could be, you could act, and she would always like have me come out and be like dance for her friends and stuff. And I, you know, I would dance, and and I remember being out, which is so weird. I was probably like eight or nine, and I remember being in this dance club environment with my mom, which I'm now like back in that I'm like, that's kind of weird. But I remember these ladies giving me money. Now I know this is gonna sound. Did you didn't you strip in college? I was like, I was going to. Um, no, but like I remember these ladies giving me money while I was dancing, and my mom being like, How amazing was that? Like, you got paid to dance, like you're an entertainer, and then all growing, like you know, my mom passed in 2021. Um, which has really been kind of like that entertainment side has been it it's weird for me now because she always really pushed it. My dad was like, That's not a real career, don't be stupid. Like those are false dreams kind of thing. Wow, yeah, right. So there was inner conflict that you have with that, and then oh wow, because I think naturally, yeah, that's probably the direction I would have gone more so. Yeah, like I loved it, I loved the entertaining, putting on the show, the dancing. I liked, you know, and and obviously it's served me with some of the acting stuff that I've done. Do you think that was to make like the where you felt connected to your mom though? Like where then that's it was always like my mom would always be like, make me laugh, entertain me. I like thinking about it now, it was like entertain me. Come on, everything is entertain me. And it was like, man, that was a lot of pressure. That is a lot. I was thinking that not only that, it was do this, and one day, this is the message I would always get. Because it would be just my mom and I for a little bit, and then she would she'd get remarried. There was a lot of other like at other stepdads and other things in my life. And um, she was like, One day you're gonna be able to take care of me. So there was always this because of your entertainment. Oh, wow, you need to take care of me one day.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

How about that pressure? Yeah, holy. And like what at what age do you remember her saying that?

SPEAKER_01 20:48

Oh, like at like eight or nine or ten or something like that? Dude, I mean, my mom and I would be like waiting for a bus in California, and she'd be like, you know, one day when you're rich, you're gonna be able to take care of me. And I'm thinking, that's a lot. I'm like, man, I don't want to be taking this bus right now. I wish I was rich and you know, get you a car and we could cruise around and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_02 21:06

That's an interesting thing, like to put you unpacked and like to really start looking into that because that's a lot.

SPEAKER_01 21:11

It was a lot, and then on the opposite end, it was from my dad, which I would be with during school. Right. During the school. So with my mom, I'd see like be with her most summers. Some summers I couldn't because you know she was just doing her thing and maybe going through her own little struggle at the time. But with my dad, and my dad was very like he has a very strong work ethic, unhealthy relationship with work. I want to say, like, because initially I was gonna say a strong work ethic, but I think that that's not the definition. I think he was obsessed with his work and what he did.

SPEAKER_02 21:45

But I think we and that's something that I always like with my parents. Yeah, I always put him, and not that again, I don't want it to seem like this isn't committed. No, no, no, no. But I just remember like where we as children, products of our parents, would wear that as a badge of uh of honor. Like my mom and dad, and they and I do there are elements of that, no question that I appreciate that they had a strong strong work ethic. But then it becomes like, where is that line? Yeah again, where it's like, was it and is it? And then you start questioning like just everything that we talked about this before we hit record, like things that we're doing. Where where is that line? Where it becomes like, what is this for?

SPEAKER_01 22:25

And when is it enough?

SPEAKER_02 22:26

Yeah. And is it me trying to undo or me trying to get validation or whatever from our childhood? I mean, really, when you start peeling things back and going, okay, what is the what is the motive behind what I want to do or what I'm doing?

SPEAKER_01 22:39

Sure. Because we can't say, Oh, I'm doing this for you. Yeah. Like, I mean, we heard that growing, or at least I heard that growing up. I'm doing this, I'm doing this all for you. It's like, well, I don't see you often, so I what is so what is it doing for me?

SPEAKER_02 22:53

I would rather have your time. Yeah. And that's that's just it. And that is like I mean, at the end of the day, and we know this, and I know this, and you know this, and it's easier said than done, but all our kids or all anybody, like our spouse, friends, friends, loved ones, all we want is the presence. And I don't mean with you know, T S, I'm talking E N C E. You know, we just want presence.

SPEAKER_01 23:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 23:17

We that that's all they want. That's all we that's all we need. Yeah. And it goes back to like what I said, I feel like I lacked just the connectivity, you know, I because I didn't have a lot of the the presence.

SPEAKER_01 23:27

Well, and it's wild because the more that you you and I like fought for bigger salaries, more, you know, bigger titles, whatever it was, it's like once that kind of went away and we've moved away from that, that presence is like so important now that it's like if someone genuinely wants to do something for me, please don't get me anything. Call me up and want to spend time with me because that means the world. That means you actually give a shit about me as a person. Yeah. And you just realize this more. And it's like, okay, where am I doing this? And maybe not doing this with my kids, with my wife, with the people that I should be building it with too. Because if I was fighting that hard to get that attention, it's like I know my kids are probably trying to do the same thing. And our spouses, and our spouses, and everybody, everybody, dude, friends, yeah. Like you said, all. So it's like it really makes you sit and contemplate it out. And you have to just, I think the the second part of that though is just being a hundred percent honest, dude. Cause I know there's moments where I'm like, I just don't feel like I have it in me to be a good friend today, yeah, or to be a good husband today, or to show up for my kids today. Yeah, I'm just fucking burnt out and I just need a break. Like I can't be present, I can't give you what you need.

SPEAKER_02 24:49

And and and that's I think that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:51

100%.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

So especially saying that because that goes back to that, and I I hate it because it almost seems like it was overused, but it there it's true the self-care. Yeah. I mean, you have to take care of yourself. Sure. There's no question because if not, then you just get into this loop and then it's just and then you're burned out, and then yeah, you're yelling, you're whatever, you're saying things that you don't mean, you're not, you know, you mean then you're at that point you're in survival mode.

SPEAKER_01 25:14

Yeah. And we're off mic talking about how probably nine out of every ten walks. I'm not thinking about how beautiful and fortunate and amazing the current moment is that's unfolding in front of me. I'm thinking about finances. I'm thinking about what's the next move. I'm thinking about how do I position my family to be in a better, you know, space or spot in life and all of these things. Or, you know, I'm thinking about how we're gonna scale this thing or that. And that is such a damn waste of that moment. And so, like, I struggle personally, just throw this out there with the concept of self-care because I'm like, I don't know what the hell that means. Like, I will go do things that I know are good for me, meaning I know like if I work on my nutrition, that's gonna make me feel better and I'll have more energy. I'm gonna go to the gym and go to taekwondo because I need that physical outlet. I know I need these things.

SPEAKER_02 26:11

So when you're doing like the gym, uh-huh, which we got to get back because I know you're doing it and I kind of fell off the gym aspect uh when we worked out together. When you're by yourself working out, yeah, are you thinking about all the things that you think about on the walk? Or is it you're in that? Because I know like when you like if you're doing something different like yoga, you're forced to. I mean, that's the beauty of something like that. You're forced to push everything out. You're like mind and body, and then that's it. Yeah. You're in that hour, 45 minutes, whatever the the period the session is. You're not and it takes because when I first started doing that, and it's better been a minute since I've done it, you have to be just you're in that. And even with boxing, when we're like, I have to, I'm in it. Like, and it took me a minute to like, I can't concentrate on what I'm hearing. Like, okay, I'm throwing what now? This this combo, combo, because I had all this other noise. It took me a couple of classes when we first started doing it, going, I fucking can't keep up because I'm not listening because I'm thinking about this or that. And is it that way, like when you work out, when you do taekwondo, are you in that with taekwondo in that zone? I would think that you would be like when we're doing boxing, like, or you just won't know what the fuck you're doing.

SPEAKER_01 27:17

I almost have to like remind myself in those moments like, dude, you're here right now. You'll never get this moment back. Give it your all. And once I start really like giving it my all, I'll notice I'll get more out of my head. Okay. But at the gym, dude, the weirdest thing is I'm not thinking about um growth and expansion and and those things I was mentioning before. I'm thinking more like you've got to push your body harder, which I know is like that's another, like, that's not where does that come from? Yeah, exactly. That's not a healthy thing, dude. The stuff from the upbringing, or I think I think it could be, yeah, don't be weak, don't be soft, like comes back. Yeah, and there's a part where I'm like, because growing up being smaller, like a lot, like I constantly had this, like, oh man, I I'm not the big dude in class, I'm not this, and and having a a dad that's very, very masculine oriented in the traditional sense of it, right? Very aggro. Yeah, like it very just like alpha style, like man, like it, it's it's making me realize I think I've pushed, I'll push myself physically because of that to overcompensate to be like, I'll show you guys, like, yeah, I'm not the weakest one, I'm not this anymore. Yeah, like as an adult, like I wouldn't walk around and being like, oh, I look weak or I look small anymore. You can't tell that to the portion of your blood brain that's playing that record on loop until you start unpacking this stuff and talking about it out. Talking about it, yeah, dude, and just owning it. I don't know why the hell we get so scared just to own our shit sometimes. It's like it's okay, dude. It's we all have it.

SPEAKER_02 28:51

And the fact that you're saying it out loud, it's the awareness, and sometimes that awareness is definitely well, not sometimes, a lot of the time, you know, when we're trying to be aware of who we are and why we're like that, it's uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

See, but it's it's funny because when you and I would work out though, I was just having a good time with you.

SPEAKER_02 29:08

Like, so it wasn't it was well because we're also kind of connected in that sense where we're yeah, and it was very different.

SPEAKER_01 29:14

Like if you were to see me in the gym today, it was very different when you and I work out.

SPEAKER_02 29:18

Yeah, I mean you've told me about that before. I remember before we started working out, I'm like, that's not my style. Yeah. Like I can't, you know, so when we work out, it's it's you know, you definitely push me, but you're not like stories that you tell me, and I'm like, dude, that does not sound appealing at all.

SPEAKER_01 29:32

Yeah, and I'm not trying to like, when you're there, I'm not trying to impress you. Like, we're just doing our thing, and I'm almost taking it more light and and easy, not easy, because we're, I mean, there's moments you and I, especially when we were doing the pull-ups and the dips and stuff. I mean, you're getting at it and you're working hard. And you're pushing me, which I appreciate. Yeah, but I know it's like a fun dynamic, dude. When I go by myself, it's it's not a fun dynamic. It's me versus me the whole time. And I'm almost like, yo, if you if you crap out on the third set there, then you're gonna have to do one more like heavier over here. It's kind of it's it's not the like healthiest version of working out, you know.

SPEAKER_02 30:11

But you're saying it out loud that that's good. So you're hearing yourself say so. That's a good thing that you're like aware, like, okay, maybe I need to it it's hard because I'm like, shit, I'm here too. Like, do you think you will alter this or change it since we're talking about it? Or no?

SPEAKER_01 30:24

One thing that's been really good is I've had recently my shoulders have been giving me like some issues, and so it's forcing me in certain moments to be like, bro, you can't push yourself through this. Yeah, like you're gonna cause a little more damage if you do. Yeah. So instead of doing that next set, how about you just get the resistant band? And I don't give a shit if someone's like, what's he doing? Like, I'm using the resistance band and stretching it out, exactly. And it's like way less intense than going over to the thing, putting it on 160 and pushing it out or whatever, right? Right.

SPEAKER_02 30:57

And but it's again, you're saying that out loud, so it's good because that's stuff that's burned ingrained in your brain, whereas before, like you might just power through that and then re-injure or injure something else, something overcompensates.

SPEAKER_01 31:09

It's like well, and why do we like why do we tend to do that to ourselves? Like, we are adults now. Yeah, and why are we gluttons for punishment? Yeah, like why are we still pushing ourselves in areas that because we're trying to I know we're still trying to compensate, we're still trying to get that.

SPEAKER_02 31:26

Yeah, get the undo something from our past.

SPEAKER_01 31:29

Yeah, which a lot of the time, and and I've mentioned this to Katie, and she would laugh anyway when she hears this, or if I told her, it's like I was working out really hard too because I wanted my wife to find me attractive, yeah, right. And I'm like, if I'm ripped up, she's gonna find it attractive, dude. She wouldn't give a shit. Like, if if like I'll be in there with my shirt off or whatever, and I'm like, oh yeah, if she's gonna see that, you know, and she's probably thinking, get your damn shirt off. Like, what the hell are you?

SPEAKER_02 31:56

She's like, we don't have time, okay?

SPEAKER_01 31:58

We're going to the store, put your shirt on. But that was another one realizing that that's just an again, you're just seeking some kind of validation, true, some acceptance, yeah, whatever it is. Yeah. And until we can finally do it for ourselves, there's no amount of external validation that will ever compensate or make it right. And you have to just keep looking inward and shining that light, that little light on it. And it's it's and it can be tough.

SPEAKER_02 32:23

It can be tough, but it's it's good like to to talk about this stuff. Because man, if we if you don't, and that's the beauty of like you started off the you know the show with this. Like when we do these meetups and what we want to cultivate, and it and it's this, it's just kind of shooting the shit, and it's talking, and not every interaction or conversation is gonna be like the no. For us, this is the way it's evolved, our relationship. So, like when we see each other, I mean we're shooting the shit about other things, but we also will get into stuff that's like, hey man, here's something that I was thinking about that I did or whatever. And do you ever feel this way or do and then all of a sudden it leads into these we leave from hanging out after these coffees going, oh my gosh, that was amazing. Like we both just talked through some shit and figured some stuff out, and that wasn't the intent. But that's I think the goal with this dadhood thing, this community is to have your dudes and you're just hanging out, and sometimes it might just be for a little bit and it's nothing like this, and then other times it might be something like this or more.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

Yeah, just even to have a space where you can be like, listen, my kid is being a complete jerk this week. And then some other guy looks at you and goes, Mine too, bro. And then you're like, Oh, cool. And to your point, come and find your person though. It might not be you or me or whatever, but like come, there's gonna be someone there eventually you're gonna connect with, and then hopefully you two can go grab a coffee together or go for a hike together. And like the visual that keeps popping in my head is on the Top Gun Maverick. You know, they they peek over the edge and they just dive down into the ravine, right? You and I will be like, I feel like we're cruising, we're just grabbing our coffee, cruising, and then all of a sudden we just do that nosedive right down in the ravine. We get so beyond the surface level and really just start talking about stuff that is helping. It definitely helps me out, man. Me too. Yeah, and I walk away and I feel like, man, I can really do a lot of other shit now today because that was awesome. Yeah, and that's what it's about.

SPEAKER_02 34:18

That's what it's about for no judgment or anything like that. It's just it's just yeah, I freaking love it. And and love this conversation because it's something, like I said, we talked about last week a little bit, like with our parents, and we can all relate to that. And these are you know, traits or things that you inherit, things that are good. I mean, as I say, they they were good at the time because that's what we needed, and then some of that shit just doesn't serve you as an adult, as a parent, dude.

SPEAKER_01 34:41

And I think that that's the only way to like because we beat ourselves up. Oh, that's a bad trait. I have a bad thing. I think the only way we can really call it bad is if you're aware of it and you just continue still doing it. If it's something that you know is not like benefiting anyone around you and you just keep doing it and you're aware, then maybe be like, yeah, that's kind of like something bad that I I need to work on. Just be stoked that you can see it, that you notice it, and you're putting a little bit of effort each time into making it better.

SPEAKER_02 35:12

Well, either that or you're just gonna be the per and I know you know this this person, these people, the ones that well, it's that's just who I am. Oh it's like, yeah, yeah, but why? And doesn't it concern you like when you know when somebody's like, Well, I I just don't have a filter and that's just the way I am. And it's like, okay, so you're fine with just being a dick to people? Yeah. I don't know, it's that kind of stuff. Like, why don't you want to figure out and unpack some of the shit to find out why you're like that and maybe make a change or two?

SPEAKER_01 35:38

I think that when we're saying that out loud, like that's just who I am. I think that we're also trying to wear it as a badge of honor. You know that I'm just the dick. It gets me what I need. And it's like, okay.

SPEAKER_02 35:50

So June 13th, if you want to come by and hang out. So we've got this event, this dadhood uh father's day event.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

First Father's Day event put on by dadhood, dude. I'm I'm excited. Me too. I'm excited for whoever shows up and just says what's up to us and comes out and just as a part of it, you know.

SPEAKER_02 36:04

It's gonna be worth it. 10 to noon. 10 to noon. So all the information's at dadhood.co. There it is. And then we've got the podcast description with all the information as well. Yeah, absolutely, bro. Good conversation, man. Yeah, love it, dude. Check out dadhood on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. There it is.