Disaster Lesbian: A Life Update

After seven months away, I'm back with a long overdue life update. A lot has happened since October; two facial feminization surgeries, 134 days of unemployment and 225 resumes, some genuinely transformative friendships, a relationship that turned into one of the most important people in my life, and as of last Friday, a job offer I am beyond excited about. 

I talk about rejection sensitivity, dating while sapphic in the PNW, why I have twelve versions of my resume, and why I unironically credit Claude with keeping me sane through all of it. Gabby makes an appearance. I keep saying I'm wrapping up and then I don't. Business as usual.

Transcript

0:01

Hey, welcome back to my podcast. It's been a while. Um I was looking at my the just like looking at old upsets. I'm like, when was the last time uploaded anything for the pod and it was October twenty fifth of last year. So I'm like, I should probably do a little update and kind of let people know that I'm still alive and still kicking. Which I am, you know, here. Um, Gabby's back there. and I do want to eventually start doing a little bit more with the show again, um have some guests and stuff like that, but I've been low on spoons and I will explain why here. So but first welcome to the Vanessa Stradio Podcast. My name is Vanessa Joy. I am lesbian living in um Olympia, Washington. Um, transgender, even though in public I don't really present that way, but online it's no secret. And Big point is the views and opinions of myself and anybody else you see on this show are my own, their own, our own, whatever, and not those of our respective employers or organizations or something like that. And that comes into particular play because I accepted a job offer on Friday. So I'll get into that as well in a little bit, but I am beyond excited. Um I'm just hoping everything goes through. without any major hitches because I I've learned over the past few months about something called rejection sensitive rejection sensitivity disorder. And it's a side effect of ADHD and it's brutal. Um and it's something that has really kind of stepped forward in my life lately, especially since I've been unemployed for so long and through some kind of wild relationship situations. And what it pretty much is is it's the little troll sitting on your shoulder telling you all the horrible things that are happening, telling you that the person you're talking to hates you. You know, if you get left on red and they're like, well they never want to talk to you again. And it can be all encompassing and horrible. it's worth looking up. You'll probably see a bunch of videos and reels on it on like Instagram and stuff, but if you read up on it. It's if you have ADHD andor autism, it's something that you've probably experienced um at one point or constantly in your life. I just events over the past few months have kind of put it into the forefront for me, if that makes sense. So so let's see. In October I just moved into this place that I am right now. And my goal is to get these little things off my screen. There we go. Um My goal is to move out of here in a few weeks. I went and looked at an apartment and applied for it. And so once everything with my new job goes is set and I know that I'm starting when I'm supposed to start in late June. And There. So Gabby and I will have our own place again. Um in Olympia proper. Currently I'm living in Lacey and I'm a little bit too close to the military base for my liking. Um, it's not anything against the military, it's against the noise. there's artillery demolitions uh a lot, and they can go to all hours of the night, like two, three, four in the morning. Every 20 seconds there's an explosion. And when you're a reactive person yourself and you have a reactive dog like her. It's made for some sleepless nights. So and I wanna live in Olympia proper anyways, that's my home. So even on my arm I have, let's see if we can the audio the audio listeners can be like, what is she doing? But I have a tattoo, I got my first tattoo and Washington with two intertwined female symbols because lesbian. And then there's a little heart right there, kinda hard to see, but where Olympia is. This is my forever home here. Hoping to get my son out here one of these days. That's another fight as well. There's a a lot of drama, but it's me. You expect drama from me. It's this is what almost 60 episodes in, and I always have some sort of drama. Um that's what makes me interesting. So I I I joke that over the past few months I've made some really close friends. And Three of them are doctors of different types, like PhDs and medical. And they're hanging out with me, who is the who was now, the crazy unemployed girl with all the good stories. And I find it funny that the crowd I run with are such amazing women that have like had great success in life. And then here I am in internally play displaced person is what they call us that have led our states. and barely scraping by and no safety net and but, you know, they embraced me and The the friendships I've built over the past few months are intensely amazing. And again, something I'll get into in a little bit. So we should probably back up. so in October, I was still working at my old job. And I had moved in here, I'd gotten out of my last apartment, which was a mess. One of the buildings had burned down, mine had flooded. I wasn't making enough money at my old job to cover rent and pay for gas and everything because it was spending about two hundred hours on gas a month, let alone all the wear and tear in my car going from Olympia to or like at at the time I was in Tomwater, Tomwater to Shelton and back. And very pretty drive, but when you're in person and only making twenty three dollars an hour in Washington, it's those numbers just don't add up. it's expensive to live here. And um that was not enough to get by. So I moved in here for um temporarily and it's been longer than temporarily. And yeah. So in late November I met some I've had a lot of relationships throughout my life. Honestly, my pre-transition life I don't really even remember much of anymore. Um I mean some major events obviously, but overall, the it's I'm four and a half years into my transition now, and my body is close to the point that I want it. Um I've had several surgeries since the last recording. And as you all know, I had bottom surgery about two and a half years ago. I don't even really identify with the person I used to be anymore. I I don't even really feel trans if we're if I'm being honest with myself. Um in public, I just present as a tall lesbian. Um I my my Claude has given me the moniker Goth Adjacent Disaster Lesbian. And I now have a disaster lesbian sticker in the back of my car because it's pretty accurate. So Even though I'm definitely not gold star, I've I've I've strayed a little bit, but um lesbian is the um identity that I focus on most. And yeah, um not the most popular thing in the trans community, but we all do our own thing and as long as whatever we're doing doesn't hurt other people, that's I say what's important, but I've talked about that kind of stuff in the past on the show. Um Anyways, I met somebody and From the time I moved to Washington until then, shortly after I moved to Washington, I made an amazing They um I'm not gonna name names on this show, um, pretty much ever. Um, I might have named some names of some exes in the past, but just for everyone's safety, I think it's best that I don't name names, but um this person I met actually on her app not long after I moved here. And we didn't have a romantic connection, but we're both the same, pretty much same brand of autistic and we just hit it off really well. Um, I I'm not that great at staying in contact with them. I'm not gonna lie. I um they listen to this, you know, it's like pfft time goes by way faster than I thought it does. Like the last time I saw them was at one of their parties and I feel like that was a week and a half ago, but that was like a month and a half ago. So I actually asked if they asked them if they could drive me to my colonoscopy in a week and a half. They said yes. And then I'm like, crap, I haven't hung out with them for so long. So reached out hopefully we can get together soon because I feel bad when I do that. I it's not something I do on purpose. It's kind of an ADHD trait that um if someone's not like right there in front of me, it's not that I forget about them. It's just time for me melts, especially over the past few months being unemployed. So back to meeting somebody. I have been on a number of different dating apps and I use different apps for different purposes. hinge I use for I I have two dating modes right now. I'm slowly looking for, carefully, mind you, looking for an eventual monogamous relationship or monogamous. And then I have like field and Tinder where um like more for friends with benefits situations, like I like building connections with people. And I like them to I like to have a variety of people but also have um some steadiness to it and So I've built up a little network of friends like platonic friends, um, platonic friends that were spicy friends and spicy friends, um, that I put a major emphasis on the friendship portion because Sex is a fun bonus, but it's nice having people that you can just spend time with, do nothing with, all that stuff. so that's what I use Field for, Field and Tinder. Like my profiles are pretty obvious on there what I'm looking for. not as obvious as my one friend that I met. Hers is yeah, it's it's pretty epic and and it works for her. So must be a nice piece. Anyways. so Person I met. Is poly. Um, I so one thing I've realized living out here is you kind of wind up poly whether you want to or not. Um, like I don't call myself poly. I'm not actively seeking to be poly, but I have three partners right now. So and like more like comets that have come and gone and stuff like that. I have two regular and one And it's not how I like sit out to be, but monogamous relationships here are rare. for me that's kind of the downside of dating here, but there are a number of upsides. Um the main upside and the main difference between here and Ohio is I am accepted here. I got extremely lucky in Ohio meeting the women. She's one of the most incredible women I've ever met in my life. And the level of support that she gave for me, both when I was there and when I was moving, even though I was moving away from her and afterwards, won't never be forgotten. I'll admit that we I I haven't stayed in very good touch. Um I haven't stayed in very good touch with anybody in Ohio. Really. The only person in in Ohio that I talk to regularly is my son. and I've kind of left it behind. Now that I have a job, especially a a good job, um, a job that pays enough for me to live. It pays it's not a huge amount of pay, and I don't need a huge amount of pay. It's a job that I can live comfortably and not have to worry all the time. Am I gonna be going on vacations every year? No. But it's a job at a company that is extremely supportive of the queer and neurodivergent communities. The the neurodivergent ERG is what really stood out to me. Um because I hadn't seen that before. And that was being autistic and incense I've had with former employers. it's very good to see. So and the most I can say about the job is it's an operations position and I'm an operations nerd. And I must have impressed them because the hiring process went pretty quick. It was legitimately the most fun interview I've ever had. I had the panel laughing, I started crying. and but like usually interviews are super stressful. And that one was just like talking to a group of friends and it's like I knew that there was a fit here, and apparently they did too. So 'cause the next day I had my final interview and the day after that I had an offer in hand. So um the relief from that is amazing. Again, I'm bouncing all over the place because this is how my brain works. Anyone that's listened to this show, especially now that I've taken it solo, knows that I will start on a topic and then it goes all over the place and it kind of circles back. But so I met some And I've been in love a number of times in my life. Word love I use carefully. I've there I've two there's two three sorry types of love for me. There's love I have for my son, which is its own special, unique thing. and that's not something that could be duplicated anywhere. It's love a parent has. Um I have love for my friends, and that's my My trust, my bond. my appreciation for who they are, my enjoyment being around them, my um sheer fondness of their presence and their humanity and the amazing people that they are. And then there's in love. And in love is a whole different animal. Um It hasn't happened to me a whole lot in my life. And it's happened at different levels. In this case, it hit so hard and so fast that it was almost like getting hit in a face by a baseball bat. Like I had really retreated into my shell after moving here. I was scared. I wasn't making enough money. I wasn't sure how I was gonna make ends meet here. and It's hard when you get to paradise and you're like Well frankly throughout this unemployment, like I was afraid of being homeless and I can't go back to Ohio. Yes, my son's there, but I don't get to see my son. It's a whole other story. and all of my clients have moved on to other photographers and stuff. And even then, I was not even making twenty thousand dollars a year as a photographer in Ohio. Like I was not making ends meet. and photography here hasn't been very lucrative either, but that's because everybody in Olympia is a professional photographer and half of them give it away for free. If you're a photographer, And you give away your work for free, stop doing that. You're hurting everybody, including yourself. So your work is valuable. And don't listen to people when they say that, Oh, if you do it for free, it'll be good for exposure. No, it's not exposure. All it's doing is exposing you to other people that know that you work for free now. So Make some money. It's a skill. And so but I've I've had a photography. I photoed of wedding over the summer, which was amazing and terrifying, um, because it's high risk. and I photographed little kids' first birthday a couple of weeks ago, and that was adorable. And some real estate photographs. Yeah. So where how did I get to that? just being afraid of losing things here. so I've retreated my shell and I had initially talked to this woman a few months earlier. and but I had met someone that seemed kind of interesting, but then I'm like it just wasn't it wasn't it wasn't a thing that was gonna work. Um and then So I created my field profile again and we reconnected and And we met and I don't know what it is about. I fell hard. I fell harder than I fell harder than I've all fallen in my life. It was like she and I joke about it now, that the intensity of it was unexpected and almost to a point that it was embarrassing. Um over time I definitely grew an obsession with her, which was not healthy and part of the reason why we broke up. but so she is Polly. Um very lesbian leaning, more queer than I am. so um I'm much more if if I stray from women, um primarily um I primarily um I I really only date AFAB people, which again is controversial in the trans community. Um though I have a curiosity that I'm working on. Right now, but that's I won't get into that. so but so we started dating and it moved it's very stereotypical lesbian. Like we didn't U-Haul, it's not like we moved in together, but it moved fast. Like the first month and a half of the relationship was the intensity that most people won't have, like in total over 10 years of a relationship. It was a whirlwind. It was amazing. Um This woman is one of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life. And She we had only known each other for a few weeks when she um offered to come to Arizona um for part of a time when I was there after my first facial femme surgery to take care of me. And that was huge because like I've been alone out here. and I wasn't expecting someone to be that I've had selfless people in my life. Like my last partner in Ohio is a very good example of that. Um but someone has just met me. was exhibiting so much kindness and so much empathy and It is kind of her profession as well, but As a doctor, but still it's that's that's a it's an aside. She is uh a I it's hard to even put into words how the depth of her of what she's been capable of offering and and her limitations. And the limitations are things that um came to a head later. so we early dating throughout December and then in the middle of January I had my first round of facial feminization surgery. So I had my forehead This way. I had my brow bone pretty much removed, shaved down. There's um titanium mesh in my head now. Um, I had a brow lift on both sides and my hairline re reduced a little bit, but the most impactful part was the brow bone being brought down. So that's probably so far been the most impactful part of my facial feminization surgeries. And when we got back, combination of I had gotten laid off on January eighth. And combination of that and the surgery and recovering depression post post surgical depression is a thing. and we wound up spending a lot of time together and it was way more time than she had the bandwidth of really time to be able to give, but she gave it and I became I grew in extremely anxious attachment to her and on an unhealthy level. To the point where I was kind of having nervous breakdowns. Eventually it but one of the number one things that we'd done, one of my number one things in life, be it any sort of relationship, be it romantic, interpersonal, corporate, is communication. And we were very good at communication. We kept kind of like trying to redefine how the relationship was and even after a couple of months like like do we see a counselor or something? But now we joke about that as well where Not something that you should be having to uh talk about after a couple months. so we split amicably, which for someone with anxious attachment obviously was not easy. And the reasonings for which are sound, her reasonings I still one hundred percent agree with. And um we have stayed close since. And now in true lesbian fashion, we're best friends. which you know and the the entire thing I've lived my life with love being a certain like having a certain understanding of of what being in love is and like where if I was in love I had to To be like in an exclusive, monogamous, serious relationship with the person. And this situation showed me that you're not always compatible with the people you fall in love with. Um, she and I are amazing friends, and like when we spend time together, we just we have an amazing time, um, great conversations, and just the amount of trust I have in her. is more trust than I've had in most anybody in my But sometimes it's just not compatible. Um, there are major things that like she and I cannot be in a relationship. We never will be in a romantic relationship. which, you know, sucks on one hand, but it's something that we can admit. And rather than try to be that and try to like make it work, we're refocusing. And she taught me that. Love can come in different forms and I can be I can be in love with somebody, um, but not be with them. And that was kind of mind blowing to me 'cause I've only ever had kind of one way of that working. So And then she also went with me for my second surgery in April, even with the breakup. Um, but by then we close again and which is amazing. Like having someone like that supporting you after surgery is I can't even tell you how helpful and wonderful that was. So um my second surgery was nose, chin and jaw. I have another one coming up in June that I'm just going down quickly. I don't need a support person for it, but uh it's one that Kaiser initially denied where my surgeon wanted to want to do a mid facelift to um people assigned male at birth have kind of flatter cheeks and she's gonna kind of push them up a little bit and then inject a little bit of fat. So it'll give a little bit more of an apple shape there. and Kaiser initially denied it, and my surgeon kind of made it her. personal mission to get this pushed through. And she did. Um so I go back and In middle June. So it's funny that my surgeon, even though I'm Kaiser in Washington, my surgeon's in Arizona, I'm going to Dr. U at the Meltzer Clinic. And I like her work because it's very subtle. I I don't know her exact style and like how she decides how she's gonna do things, but to me, it's almost like she pictured if I were born with an AFAB twin sister, what would that person look like? And that's what she's trying to do. So she focuses on subtlety and realism and not that super plasticky look that you'll see with a lot of um facial femmes. Like I didn't want to look like I had plastic surgery and I don't look like I had plastic surgery. I just my facial features are just softened now, which um is great. And but Kaiser covered her and her weight list was short and I've been flat out worried that um the procedures will get banned federally, so I wanted to get it done. So Kaiser actually pays to fly you down there. They put you up in a hotel and they give you a per diem for expenses. So um it's a pretty, pretty sweet deal. Um When I left my last job, I can't get into what all happened there. Um, but I was able to keep my insurance through June and that was handy because I needed this insurance because I was already at my max out of pocket after my first surgery. So my second and third surgeries are free. So even though I've been having to spend like twelve hundred dollars a month in Cobra, it's worth it because these are expensive surgeries. And I was able to get get all three done. Um really should have only had to do it in two, but with Kaiser denying the first one, I appealed it, they denied the peel. I did an external appeal that got denied. So but now it's covered. So back I go. But that's one of the wonderful things about being trans in Washington is you have access to this care and So it's one one of the many reasons I moved to Washington in particular was to get facial femme surgery. And I'm glad I was able to do it, even though I was no longer So um backing up then a little bit. Um After the breakup, it kind of spurred me to well, even before because she's poly and since I was in a poly relationship then. Okay, well I need to actually try to embrace this and see how do how I do with it. My problem is jealousy and I have an intense amount of jealousy in relationships. I felt it in the past back in Ohio. I was I was in a poly relationship where I was really more monogamous to her with my with my last partner there. But I mean, I had some fun outside. And stuff. I wasn't actively seeking out any other relationships. Not that I even really could have in Ohio, because dating while trans in Ohio is next to impossible. especially when you're trying to date cis people. and so on like well, I'm gonna start branching out, especially it's getting closer to when we are about to break up. So I started back up on the apps and kind of focusing on rather than finding multiple relationships to find one find a possible monogamous relationship.'cause I I knew the writing was on the wall with my relationship with her and ultimately I think what I need is, as I said, a monogamous or a monogamous kind of situation. with lots of communication. But So I want to go down the apps and I started meeting people and built a few very close friends from it, um, including my ex now best friend, obviously. but there are three other people in particular that I've grown very close with. Two of them are platonic. Yeah. And it's I've built connections that I haven't really had in-person friends like the friends that I've made here in Washington, between my first friend I made back early last year when I moved here, and the four um people in my life now. I don't want to say women because some are genderqueer, and um but The impact these people have had on my life is transformative. Um I I feel included. Like it's hard for me to accept that people like me. Um having grown up in grown up in from childhood through adulthood since I was in the family business for so long, in an abusive situation with parents that flat out hated me. There's both of them narcissists. always being told I wasn't good enough, always being told no one would like me, always being told I'll never succeed at anything in life. Um, that kind of stuff wears on you and it kinda bakes into your head. And now I have these people that like they actually want to spend time with me. Like it's kinda mind blowing. and like Each one of my friends I have different sorts of connections with. And so that's a nice variety. And yeah, I twenty twenty six, despite all the political, absolute craziness going on and the stress of not having a job, making these connections, these friends has been so important to me. And Hold a lot of love in my heart for them. And I'm hoping these are friendships that last a lifetime. I think they will, because they are all based on clear, transparent communication as well. Another thing when a a lot of autistic people will understand this, especially Audistic, ADHD probably as well, neurodivergent. for us, the line between platonic and romantic is pretty blurred. I'm attracted to all my friends. Like all of my friends started off estates in one form or another. some of my connections have continued to be sexual and some are not, but um all of them I met on apps in one form or another. And I think that's one thing that kinda creates kind of a closer bondness in that closer bondness. A closer bond. in that these people are near and dear to my heart in a multiple of ways. And yeah, it's it's been an it's that's been a very good part of the past few months. So Other parts of year have been hard. Being unemployed in this job market, I was terrified. Um, so it was 133 days from being laid off to 134 actually to getting an offer letter. I sent out over that period 225 resumes. During that period, I had two surgeries with with recoveries. I had an extreme delay to my unemployment money. Um Because of my hospitalization for the for surgery, it screwed everything up. And um and then like I had the two surgeries. Um, just the job hunting. One of the final weeks I sent out 50 resumes because the desperation was getting high. But that's sending out almost two a day. Um, which when you do it the way I'm doing it, was doing it was a full-time job. I have 12 about 12 different types of versions of my resume for different roles. And I yes, I use AI. It's not popular. Um I use it as a tool. I use it for job hunting. I use it for D D campaign pre prep. And I use it for personal journaling and kind of relationship maintenance because it has really helped keep me sane over the past few months. I use CLUD for all that. And so I would write uh custom cover letters for every role I applied to. Um And or co write, I guess would be a good way of putting it, 'cause I would go through and tweak things. But um Claude has learned my background well enough to be able to um kind of adapt on the fly to things. So but my resumes are pretty good. Um they've worked, especially even in the state system, 'cause I've been playing to a lot of state roles over the past um shoot ever since I moved here I've been applying to state roles. But There's very specific ways you have to word things with state roles. And on a lot of the roles I got moved up to eligible lists and interviews and stuff like that. So I know that my inter that my resumes were good and well also landed me my current job. but this job market is defeating a lot of people and it almost defeated me. I don't believe the unemployment numbers that are published. I think our unemployment in the country is probably closer to twenty percent right now. Um and no one can find work. Like these are in person jobs that I'm applying to. It's not just remote. Yeah, I'm applying to some remote jobs, but these in person jobs, hundreds of applicants. It's like my last job, I was I bit out ninety two applicants for that job. It was essentially a mail room clerk position that had like Yay duties and stuff like that. But I was also the male girl. I kind of joked about that. Former CO former COO turned um male girl. But and like I was happy I got that. Um, because again, that's a lot of people to beat up for that one role. I don't know how many people interviewed for my role or applied for my role that I got now. Um but from what I've heard from some of the recruiters at some of the places that I'd applied at. They are so overwhelmed with resumes that it's next to impossible for them to get anything done, to even view them all so um Is using AI the right thing? Probably not. I know it's damaging to so many things. But in Japan you kinda have to fight fire with fire because AI is being used against you. Um so you need to fight with the same weapons that you're up against. As much as I hate saying it that way. Um it was hard. And I was down to four weeks of unemployment, um, uncertain housing and Money and savings dwindling. It was getting scary there. So this came in at the perfect time. I start the day before my birthday, which is pretty good birthday present. And It's a role that I'm legitimately excited to start because it is so perfectly in my wheelhouse. and it's a role that will keep me busy constantly because every day's different. It's it's it's a day where every day there's different fires to put out. And that's that's where I succeed in business. Cause that's what I did back when I um ran Dale Dom's Enterprises. Like every day there's a new ca uh catastrophe going on. Um and So for me the insanity has become the norm and I don't do good in positions where I just sit and just desk desk jockey. So So I'm super excited. And I get to work from home for the most part. I've there'd be times where I'll be going different places, but this one won't be home alone all day anymore. So what do you think of that, huh? Those of you listening, my dog is just being a dog really. She's 10 years old now. She's she's allowed to do whatever she wants. So but yeah, so my search for an eventual monogamous situation continues. I have met someone recently. I have not met her in person, but I feel pretty strong connection with. So far. lot in common our morals align very well and so I'm looking forward to meeting in person because in person people like vibes can be different. but the communication we've had so far has been wonderful. So we'll see you there. But I want to do an episode um where I have at least one other guest um someone from the South Sound. is also in Cepheid dating, but who is AFAB instead of instead of trans like me, to talk about the slim similarities and differences that we hit that we find with our different identities. Um and it'd be especially useful if uh that person has also moved here from a red state to kind of compare and contrast how it was there. So For me, dating in Ohio, um pre transition, a whole different story, obviously. and then I went celibate until I was healed from bottom surgery because I wanted nothing to do with what I used to have down there. and I'm one of those trans people that uh was lucky enough to get all of the dysphoria, not just not just some. Because some people don't have dysphoria around certain parts of their body. Like as as I said before, there's no one way there's no right or wrong way to be trans. There's it is such a massive spectrum. And everybody's intensities of things are different. But um I just happen to get a whole lot of dysphoria. There's other things that I'm working on. I'm trying to weight cycle. I'm trying to lose all of the boy fat that I've sold in my body and then gain back while doing lower body exercises so I can so I can get myself an ass. Um I had one when I was heavier, but between the last episode and now I've lost Almost thirty pounds, so I probably look a little bit skinnier on camera now. Last time I had my shoulders So I have another at least 30 to go. So um I want to get down to around 190. I'm at 216, 217 right now. I keep plateauing. Um, I'm sure I'll lose more again in a week and a half before my colonoscopy, which yay turned 45, but I've had some intense chronic rectal pain lately that turns out to be stress related, um, which is interesting. But very on track for how it's very it's a very Vanessa kind of thing to have. So I'm such a tight ass that it gets to a level of nine in pain. It's it's not just a little bit of pain. It's up at night screaming, crying on the phone with a nurse's line pain. the most intense pain I've felt in my life, which is wild because it's like it's due to stress. Yeah, embarrassing. It's popping up just talking about it right now. Stop, go away. Um So I know where I was with that. Oh. But so like the differences for dating. Um in Ohio I I tried meeting people. I got extremely lucky finding my former partner there, who is one of just the most incredible women in the world. Had I not found her, I probably wouldn't have found anybody. Um I have talked about this in episodes in the past. I have people call it um internalized transphobia, and I hardcore disagree with that term. I call it projected dysphoria. Um, I have my own dysphoria and with other trans people. I see the parts of me that cause me dysphoria, and I project it upon them, and it is not fair to them. And I also have a s I have a genital and not just preference requirement. so um yeah. So that's why I date AFAT people. But in Ohio it's the community was different. Um here people don't care. I've had like I don't have it on my profile that I'm trans because again, like in public, I'm just Vanessa de Total Lesbian. Um And I'm not someone that embraces her trans identity big time 'cause it's just not really part of who I am. It's something that I happen to be. And but I don't make it my entire identity entire identity. I much prefer to focus on being a lesbian because I have more fun with that anyways. I pretty much everyone that I connect with is queer or Pian or bi or um I don't think I've connected with a true full lesbian. one was close. Um and then she told me she never wants to see me again. But I I got some I I got some good tutoring out of that, I suppose. Um but and all the way up to North Seattle, that was that was a haul. But People don't care that I'm trans. There's genital preferences, yes. And I made those preferences that not even all of them have, because like again, most of the people that pretty much everyone I've been with over the past few months, um, it's they just don't care. I'm just one the girls. Like, it's almost shocking how little people care about people being trans here. Where because in red states it was a big deal and it was dangerous to be trans in public. Here, like one, most people can't tell I'm trans anyways. I pass pretty well. I'm fortunate, I have pretty privilege. I am cispassing quite frequently. Um, even when I was driving here from Washington, I went to a bathroom in deep red Montana, and no one knew, no one cared. so My focus I I started focusing on cis passing in Ohio for safety and I've just kind of continued it here. Um anyone that I'm talking to on a dating or sexual level, obviously, I disclose that. Um because for some people it's gonna be a deal breaker, but it's as I said, I think I've got an unmatched twice after disclosing. So the level of acceptance I have here and the fact that I am not othered. By any of the people that I've been with. In fact, for a handful of people, I've been the first woman that they've ever been with, which is kind of a interesting thing that has kind of happened to me. Like, I guess I'm introducing people. I I s I say I'm introducing them to the dark side and come to the dark side. We have cookies, we smell better and we're softer and we have more emotional depth. So, um, because if you know me, identify as Sith, not Jedi. So of I'm dark side. It's what my purse says on it. I'm chaotic neutral. What you expect? People are like, you don't consider yourself a good person? I'm like, I'm a good person. I I err in the side of good until it no longer benefits me. And there's been some situations over the past year where people have found that out. Um Treat me well, I treat you well. And I will continue to try to make humanity better. But if someone steps on me, I bite back. Um it's a promise I made to myself when I moved here that I would not, I would stand up for myself. It's been extreme risk and reward in Back to dating, um, it's just wonderful to be included. Like Yeah, um I've had best sex of my life over past few months. And hope that hope to continue that. And even when I find a monogamous relationship, I want it to be amazing. Um or go monogamous, whatever. It will be hard to give up some of my partners, I'm not gonna lie. But we'll see what happens. Umreon came from it's only it's only a little bit afternoon here. But so yeah, um that's what I'm looking for for a future episode is to have a conversation with um some One or two AFAB people who are dating in the South Sound. Um, dating and hooking up specifically. Um and with other Saphics. Um, I'm not focusing on people who are I mean, they be bisexuals fine. I'm talking about specific Sapphic really sapphic relations. So um regardless of if they um date other genders as well, which is perfectly fine. I just focus on On that particular experience. And if they're also from a red state, all the better. So um there's a lot of people from red states moving here. There's an estimate that so far nine percent of the trans population has become internally displaced people moving from red states to blue states. That's four hundred some thousand people. And that number was back in ear earlier in the year. I wouldn't be surprised if it's much higher now. So um In Ohio, seeing another trans person was a whoa, wow, like you didn't see many of us around here everywhere you go. Um and it's we are just part of normal culture here. And yes, there's conservatives and stuff that are vo very vocal on They're in such the minority here. And um the acceptance that I have, like I got a job. especially this one I just got hired in at, as a disabled transgender person. And both of those identities were embraced by this company. Um And that is that means more to me than they will ever really know. So And while it is a national company. Being here and so accepted here, I'm glad that I found them in this role while here. Yeah, I am beyond excited to start this new position. It's it's still about a month out before I start and I'm hoping to once everything lines up, background checks and all that stuff, and then once uh I get enough information for this apartment to get the lease, they they want more history of renting from corporations rather than independent people. And most of my rental history has been from private owners. So I'm hoping that doesn't nip me too much. I have like six months of rental history from a corporation. So I'm hoping that's enough. But we'll see. Because it's a wonderful place. Gabby's gonna love it. It's quiet. It's um in the shade. It's in Olympia. There's even a dog park and two pools at the complex. So um I feel like it's been a very rough few months in a lot of ways. I am so thankful for my best friend and my other new friends for and old friends for helping me get through it. It's hard, you know, up with the uncertainty. Job hunting's hard enough. Job hunting as a woman is even harder. Job hunting as a uh neurodivergent person is even harder. Job hunting as a transgender neurodivergent woman is it feels like it's next to impossible. So, but those of you that are on the market. I found a job. And if I did, you should be able to as well. When it happens, I don't know, but If you're anti-AIO, I 100% respect that. If you're willing to use it, get yourself a professional membership on CLOD. Um, it's $20 a month, and that's how I have a job. Um, hands down, how I have a job. Um, the my ability to stay sane while applying, because had I been trying to do it all, it's a full-time job finding work. If I had to do it all just like independently trying to come up Trying to rewrite my resumes all those times. It's just kind of too much for one person. Um, neurodivergent or not, it's just a lot. So um, if you're willing to use the tools, use the tools. But I 100 100% understand if it's something that you are not comfortable. Because data centers are ruining this country. Um like yeah. I only use AI for things that I could not use someone else for. So Yeah, I'm not gonna be hiring anybody to do job hunting or uh being my personal journal or creating helping create D and D campaigns. So um that's all just So if you're out there, stick with it. It's hard. Uh, diversify yourself. Um, think of all of the skills that you have. And 'cause a lot of us have had like jobs where like the job had a focus, but you have a lot of other skills and other things. So think outside the box and build resumes around those skills too. I have I have a base resume that kind of covers everything and I use that for some roles not a lot. I have a resume for HR, I have a resume for executive assistance, I have a resume for higher level executive assistants, I have a resume for C-suite level roles, because I used to be C-suite. I have two different HR resumes. Actually, I have a leadership and then a standard, so depending on the role I was applying to. Um I have different operations. Resumes for different types of roles. Um, a marketing resume, I have a DEI resume. So, like, think of everything that you've done um in your life and career and figure out how you can monetize it and turn it into um something that can be used on a resume. This podcast is on my resume. Um, because this podcast has given me a lot of skills, especially early on. Like, I used to have guests. The show used to be weekly. I had guests all the time booking them from across the country, getting them all scheduled, getting them set up, coming up with topics, um, learning production. Like I don't go very heavy production on the show anymore. Like I just upload the videos. Like whatever. But if you look at my earlier videos back when I had um Like co-hosts and lots of guests and stuff. I put a lot of time and work into those. And maybe in the future I might do it again. Right now I'm just this is kind of like a fun hobby for me. It was becoming way too much of a job and I was not getting paid for it. Still not getting paid for it, but it was getting too stressful. But but I put a lot of time and effort into the production value of those shows. I edited them. I um even did AI transcripts and those though that those AI transcripts were not very good. I hope they're better. But I had a lot of passion in that. I taught myself how to use Adobe Premiere Pro. And so that's how you can turn your hobbies into actual marketable skills. Because from the podcast, I was able to refine my people management skills, operations skills, marketing, production, all that stuff. It was all legitimate stuff that I would do at a job. I was just doing it for free for fun. My photography company is on my resume. because I was self-employed with that. And that gives skills as well, especially for marketing and networking and interpersonal communications. Um, I'm a licensed uh drone pilot, so that's on there as well. Um, did I ever make a lot of money with photography? No. I think my best years before I came out, like before I came out, I think I made 60 grand one year doing it. And as soon as I came out, like, I was in Ohio. People don't hire trans people in Ohio, except for the very few lucky clients I was able to find. But otherwise, yeah, I wasn't fine. And here people are much more willing to hire me. There's just way too many photographers. So and I'm trying to break into a very established um system. But and then I use uh my time at the job I had here um last year, I have that kind of as a few bullet points, the things that kind of stand out. supporting multiple locations and stuff like that, because at Daleham's Enterprises, even though I was the head of that company, um, we only have one location. I relocated us. But so think of all the things that you've done. Excuse me. Think of all the things that you've done with your career and build resumes around that. diversify yourself because we all have more skills than we realize that we have. So I'm starting to get a scratch in my throat, so I should cut this off. But thank you for listening. Um, if any of my friends that I've been talking about are listening to this, I love you. Um and thank you for being in my life and People from Ohio that miss me. I'm sorry I left you behind. I'm not sorry I left Ohio at all. There's very little I miss about that state, other than my son and my friends. Um I do kind of miss thunderstorms. We don't have those here, but the weather here is so much better. Um especially now that we're getting into summer. It's one thing that we Washingtonians don't tell the rest of the coun the country. We want you to think it rains all the time. We don't tell you about our summers, which Are beyond amazing. So yeah. Oops, I just said it out loud. That's for my trans fam. Come here, please. Come here. Be as safe as you can. Um, if you can find a way to do it. I did it with nothing. I packed up my car with what I could fit in it, myself and my dog. I left everything else behind. Be sure you have a job first. Don't move here without employment. But if you as soon as you can find a job. apply to everything, apply hardcore, apply to in person rules. And if you can get a way to get here and you can budget, I mean, look budget at least fifteen hundred dollars for housing. Gas is over six a gallon here, so it is more expensive to live, so like budget high. But again, I did it and I had no safety net. I have no safety net. I have no family. Um I asked my mother for money, which you know I'm desperate if I reached out to her and she sent me a hundred dollars. So that was pretty much uh pretty much said what I needed to to know from that. But start a GoFundMe and you have more friends than you realize you have. and strangers. Like another one of the things I want to do when I start um when I start having enough money is donate to other people's GoFundMe campaigns because I wouldn't have been able to get bottom surgery and I wouldn't have been able to move here if not for independent, extremely generous donations from strangers. I had donation for each That was a thousand dollars from a complete stranger, both times, um, different strangers. And yeah, it's it can help. I by the time I got here, all my credit cards were maxed. I had twenty dollars left but I got here. So if you can find a way to get out if you're in a dangerous place, please do. I'm terrified of the amount of damage that's gonna happen as this administration impodes on itself. Is any state perfectly safe? No. But Washington's pretty damn good. There are we have protections built into our constitution here. Um and it's a border state. Um the people are wonderful and support. I know Seattle right now is they're they're dealing with a large influx of queer, specifically trans people. Because the P and W is the place to be. Um, Oregon's also good. And you know, it's scary. Like I left my son behind and that's another fight that I'm gonna have coming up. I'm hoping I have enough money left over that I do plan on hiring a lawyer and having my uh parenting agreement redone because as it currently stands, it's extremely punishing to me and it's not fair for me to only be able to see my son once every six months. and I need to fix that. So I need to find a lawyer for that. So I'm hoping maybe someone that listens to this in Ohio might have a lead on a lawyer that has experience with unique family situations and specifically when one of the parents lives in a different state. So that's one of the tough toughest parts I found is finding a It's gonna get worse before it gets better, but I don't think the situation that we are in is sustainable. But if you can get the safety, please do. And as I said, you have more friends than you realize. hardest part and it's a thing that I from people I've talked to that um are struggling with leaving is the leaving everything behind and that's an extremely valid feeling. I didn't know anyone when I moved here. I've I've done other episodes on it. And it was terrifying. And again, no safety net because I don't have any family. Even in Ohio, I don't have any family. So if I'm gonna wind up homeless, I'd rather be homeless here than there. Um but If you can bring yourself to do it, it's worth it. not lying when I say it's paradise here. It's not just because I love Mount Tahoma, which people call it Renier. I call it Tahoma because that's what the natives call It's gorgeous everywhere you go. The people are extremely inviting and warm. Um they do say guys here way t way more than I would like. And I'm just they're like, Well, it's it's just gender neutral. I'm like, okay, then why don't we say gals? And they're like, but yeah, that's that's neither here nor there. It just makes me cringe. because I'm very femme. Like I if there's a s if there's a I mean, gender is a spectrum in a sphere. But if it were a line like the Kinsey scale, like Kinsey scale, I'm a five and a I'm a six um emotionally and a five and a half sexually on Kinsey scale. If there's a gender scale like that where there's a slider, I'm all the way to the femme side, even though I do wear quite a bit of flannel, but I live in the PNW. Okay. It's it's a rite of passage. So thank you for listening. Um I don't know when the next episode will come out. I do hope that I can have Those interviews and Once things settle down, it'd be fun to kind of pick to show up again. But I have a feeling I'm going to be exceedingly busy with this new job, which is a good thing, 'cause one of the worst parts of this unemployment is having been home, alone, with myself. And my brain is not a very kind place to be. Brain says some mean things and does some mean things to me. And I have struggled a lot and my mental health has it took a hit during this unemployment session. So um I'm so excited to start a new job. And I love that I'm excited to start a new job because that means that this job's a good fit for me. One of the interesting things, and this is kind of a suggestion for recruiters, is um There's a screening interview and then a panel interview. And the panel interview had other people with my with the role that I was applying to for it. And that's a great choice to have on a panel. And I would like to s I would hope to see more companies and organizations doing that because you're testing a culture fit as well. And so if the people that are doing the same job as you are there and they can kind of get an idea of who you are, one, you can learn more about the role because they're actually doing it. And two, they can definitely sense if there's a culture fit. So um not everyone can do every job. I'm a firm this episode's getting along. I keep saying I'm wrapping up and then I just keep going. But if you've listened to me before, you know this is how I work. Um we're only at an hour and almost nine, so whatever. I'm a firm believer that only about 30% of the people that are in management roles should be in management roles. How many times do you hear of just employees imploding due to horrible middle management stuff like that? There's a lot of people that got pro that get promoted that don't have the personality, the skills, experience, whatever, to be in management. And When you because you do know when you have one that does, those are the bosses that you have as amazing bosses. Like my last direct boss, amazing boss, absolutely amazing boss. And that boy needs to be promoted all the way up to anywhere possible. Um he tamed me, right? I had been s I had been the head of a company for 13 years, like C suite, so I was C level, COO and CPO. And then I was my own boss. Six years. So this poor guy had to take this, who had all that experience and leadership knowledge and just pride, honestly, that I had in having been the boss for so long. Then being placed at the entry level in an organization, he had to keep me in line and he did. So He did it with kindness and understanding and communication as a good leader should. So I don't know if he listens to this podcast, but um he needs to know that he is someone special in the leadership. And I hope that is he's recognized for that soon. because It's hard to find the right people in leadership. So From what I've gathered from the organization I'm joining, they place a large amount of um importance on clear communication, um, understanding, learning from mistakes, um, embracing mistakes. That was one of the things in the interview they wanted to know about one of my biggest mistakes. And I laid out a pretty example that did not make me look good. and That was a good thing in the interview though. So because in life, in business, we make mistakes. And the key thing is how do you react to it and what did you learn from it? Like my mistake wound up working out, but there was much better ways I could have done it. And I haven't been proud of how I did it. It makes for kind of a funny story sometimes, but overall it was yeah, it was not a high point of And but A good leader knows when they make mistakes to learn from them. And this organization puts a lot of value in that. And I am extremely excited to join up. I won't be talking about it much um in any future episode. Um this is me saying that I found a job, it's in my wheelhouse, but my professional life has nothing to do with this podcast. And um I mainly tell a story about me getting a job to give people hope that they can get one too. So um for someone as public facing as I am, I have also learned to be private about a number of things. That's why I don't talk about names. I don't name I don't talk about what happened at previous places. I don't name names of companies and stuff like that. That's just kind of a smart thing to do because it's not information that people need to know. Um like if you're telling a story and it has names and identifications and stuff, and it's a story that's important to you, sit back and ask yourself if the identifying markers are vital to the story. And unless you are like in court or something like that, they don't. change names, you can just leave out names, stuff like that. So Be careful on the internet. And it's scary right now. So I have most of my stuff locked down. My threads go between private. My threads is mainly just me being a horny lesbian. So um if you follow me there, it's just mainly just eye rolling cringe stuff like um my uh poor attempts at thirst traps and 'cause I don't know how to look sexy on a camera. I really don't. So yes, I'm wearing a shirt with some cleavage today. Yeah, I don't know how to be sexy. So which is kinda the comedy of it all. But be careful. Like you do you you do what you think is is best for you, but I want people to be safe. I want people to Get through things. and come out on the other side, you know, happy and healthy. So I wish everyone the best. I'm so thankful for listeners. I've the show has gained a number of new listeners, surprisingly. Um I do keep track of viewers accounts. Um I host through Buzz Sprout and they send me updates weekly on episodes we listen to. And I've been seeing a decent uptick in listeners. So that means I'm hoping that the show is helping people. There are some very impactful episodes. Um I tell people very frequently about my interview with Dr. Ferrando because there's so much misinformation and just lack of understanding around bottom surgery. And having her on the show was amazing. Other surgeons, politicians, um, you know, it's if you haven't listened to back episodes of this show, I highly recommend doing it. There's some really amazing content on here. Um I've had some absolutely legendary co hosts on here. And I think even though like some of the political stuff would be dated at this point, there's other stuff that's just pertinent always. Um parenting advice, stuff like that. And there's a lot of comedy. We we try to be funny. But yeah, I'm I'm thankful that people are still finding my little tiny show. I wish it was bigger. I less on a selfish level more. I really wish my episodes that I think would be very helpful for a lot of people would get out there more. But then I also kind of worried about them getting out there more because of the whole situation that we're in right now, which I shall not speak of, but you know. double-edged sword. There's actually been times where I thought of taking the podcast offline, but I have not. I've continued to host it. And is it a little expense every month? Yes, but I think people are getting are finding a benefit from it, so Until then, signing off. Have a day. It's almost June. Enjoy your summers and keep your chin up. Chins. Chins, chin, chin, multiple chins. My chin got smaller after surgery.