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9:03
In this episode I’m reading my latest Substack post on uncertainty. Sometimes all we can do, when we’re being called to something new, is have faith and surrender to the process.
Who all gonna be there? Surrendering to God and having faith through times of uncertainty. Accepting uncertainty in this current season I'm in feels like the most harrowing Herculing task I've ever been subjected to. I've been stripped of nearly all previously qualifying identifiers that my ego valued. Professional career, disposable income for hobbies, material items and physical adornments, romantic relationship, familial relationships, platonic friendships, hyper-independence, executive functioning and direction in life, essentially dissolving a version of myself I grew to know very well. And she's gone. The core personality traits remain, as well as the dreams in life that seem to haunt me and have increasingly taken up space in the forefront of my mind. They're no longer vagabonds passing by my doorstep begging for my attention, or squatters who live rent-free. No, they own the estate, the land, the entire territory. And they were even so kind as to invite some new guests of honor after ruthlessly removing the dried up and dusty ones that were founded in lack, longing, and unresolved wounds. Now I owe them everything. I am indebted for the rest of my life. And this knowing, this strange juxtaposition of awareness within an ocean of uncertainty somehow keeps me peacefully afloat instead of drowning and swallowing me whole. It is a bizarre feeling of existence. Like the universal omnipotent forces of good are constantly rearranging circumstances and pulling all the strings to prosper me. And if I lie down and enjoy the drift, I might get to the shore a little faster, a little smoother, instead of hooting and hollering, causing ruckus and getting myself worked up in a tizzy, outraged at God and yelling like I'm some forsaken character, lost and trapped and castaway. I've thrown enough tamper tantrums mentally and energetically to know that it doesn't actually convince the angels and Jesus and Muhammad and him to grant me magical directions or money from the sky, if we're being honest. Somehow I've managed to make peace with having a greater veil over my future than I initially anticipated. There are select moments where I get to peek behind the curtains and see what God is preparing for me, and other times where it feels like I'm in an obscure, opaque waiting room, sitting there in solitude, fiddling my fingers, yearning to be called next, as I see the specks of light beaming from the bottom of the door leading to the hallway of my destiny. I sit in this room often, watching the footsteps go by, hearing the muffled voices of my spirit guides, anticipating finally being chosen. Even though in the depths of my soul I know that I am, that it's a matter of divine timing and orchestration and character development and spiritual learning. I know this. I might not see every single detail, but I know what's in store for me. That it's a custom-made bedazzle blueprint I've co-created in spirit before I even decided to reincarnate. But the inner knowing doesn't stop me from causing a scene and catching a case on the way there. The spiritual fortitude and the psychic in me still doesn't prevent the human from throwing a fit, cursing out the ethers, and reacting to current circumstances. No, the inner knowing keeps me blissfully ignorant in these waves of uncertainty. I have to practice surrendering every day, like my life depends on it. So today I'm stable and regulated. Yesterday I was agitated as hell, and tomorrow I welcome whatever comes next. In this surrendering, I've learned to accept that there is no going back to the person I used to be, the life I used to live. I've crossed the bridge. And even though the landscape gets foggy, I can't return to the past. That path was charred to pieces by holy fire, demolished, and cemented up. All bridges leading backwards have been irreparably burned by heavenly universal forces beyond my control. And now, against my stubborn, hard-headed will, I must trust those same forces to forge a new way and map out a new life. Even when terrain gets tough and I can't always see past the next mile. It's in God's hands at this point. And all I can do is take one step forward at a time. But the old me didn't go out without a fight, though. She tried to make things work when they clearly were not. Countless attempts to fix what was broken or rejuvenate what was expired. Trying to keep a years-long friendship alive and well when I knew they were incompatible, not maturing in life, and unreasonable. Trying to make a job work when the workplace had become the most toxic I'd ever experienced, knowing the literal sabotage, scapegoating, and manipulation taking place, being so adamant about sticking it out that the universe literally snapped something inside of me to force me out. I left with an unprecedented, painful hip injury that put me out for months. And reaching nearly one year of employee unemployment has really just been beyond humbling. Trying to maintain a relationship when I knew we were on different paths in life, the connection served its purpose, and I was avoiding the breakup conversation, which inevitably happened about a month after I had to leave that job. Trying to connect with family members and being disrespected instead of just accepting them for who they are, trying to force myself to go back to work in an industry I kind of hate, yet still getting rejected by every application and opportunity, even with years of experience, management, references. These are all indicators that God will arrange whatever needs to happen, whether you like it or not. When you're being called to something new, you have no choice but to step into it. Even when you have a death grip on the outdated versions of yourself, the uncertainty requires your surrender to God's direction and guidance. In addition to your spiritual and intuitive discernment, it'll break parts of you that you didn't even realize existed. It'll hold up a mirror and push you to stare at the reflection, revealing what needs to be examined. And in this divine quantum crumble, you'll be renewed, restored, and restructured for the calling on your life. You'll have to trust that this new destination is exceedingly more glorious than what was left behind. The universal forces that ejected you from your previous life will gracefully carry you and divinely orchestrate a new one. But you do have to play your part, accepting and surrendering to the process. Even when you don't even know who all is gonna be there, I guarantee you that God will.
