Out Here Tryna Survive
This podcast is a trauma-informed, hope-oriented, safe space. It is a warm hug of solidarity for Black women 35+. It is a celebration of our resilience thus far & our determination to not only survive but THRIVE.
Join me, Grace Sandra, a Mama, author, advocate/activist, storyteller, for some good ole self-love shenanigans.
We are braver than we believe✨
Out Here Tryna Survive
Ep 23: Healing Your Inner Child: My recent (cougaring) Dating Lesson!
That voice inside your head telling you something feels off? It might be your inner child trying to protect you from making painful mistakes. In this deeply personal episode, I share how a seemingly perfect romantic connection triggered a surprising healing journey that saved me from potential heartbreak.
After 20 years of marriage followed by dating in my 40s, I found myself experiencing an electric connection with a younger man. Despite our incredible chemistry, aligned worldviews, and mutual respect, my body kept sending intense anxiety signals whenever we weren't together. During one sleepless night beside him, my inner child spoke with startling clarity: "I feel like you're going to hurt me. I feel like you're going to abandon me."
What unfolded was an unexpectedly perfect example of how inner child healing work can protect us when we listen to those internal warnings. Though brief, this dating experience revealed how childhood abandonment wounds still influenced my adult relationships - and how acknowledging them allowed me to make choices aligned with my true needs rather than temporary desires.
The beauty in this story isn't just about avoiding heartbreak. It reveals how far I've come in my healing journey, having moved from someone who once told her inner child to "shut up" before making life-altering mistakes, to someone who can hear, honor, and protect that vulnerable part of myself. For Black women especially, this inner child work creates sacred space for self-compassion in a world that often denies us gentleness.
Whether you're dating, healing from past trauma, or simply trying to understand why certain situations trigger intense emotions, this episode offers practical journal prompts and visualization techniques to help you connect with your inner child. Because sometimes the wisest guide for your future is the part of you that still remembers what it felt like to be small and unprotected.
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So she said to me I feel like you're going to hurt me, I feel afraid that you're going to abandon me. And I was like I'm not going to hurt you, I'm not going to abandon you, I promise. And then what did I do but turn around and literally abandon her. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. That is a conversation I had with my little inner, gracie G, and today we're going to talk about inner child healing work and why inner child healing work can save you from certain disaster and why you need to start talking to your inner child before you make more bad decisions.
Speaker 1:I want to tell you guys a story about a very vivid, vibrant conversation more than one conversation I had with my inner child very recently. That came up in a recent dating situation and it was one of the best inner child healing work examples that I've had in a long time, where it actually was really healthy, honest, vulnerable conversations with my inner child, really healthy, honest, vulnerable conversations in this dating situation and it led to a good outcome, which was for for us, not to date, but I feel like if I hadn't have been aware, more aware, if I hadn't done inner child healing work before, I feel like this situation would have drug on for longer and also would have been more heartbreaking than it wasn't. Actually wasn't heartbreaking, but it was. It was. It was hard on me and I'm going to explain to you why, but I in the best way, because you know how. When you learn something, when you learn something, you know life gives you lessons. I feel like God gives us lessons and we should ultimately, from every situation in our life learn something so that we never have to go through it again.
Speaker 1:Now, I had created a inner child healing podcast episode back in last year sometime. I will post it here and I'll put the link again below so you should watch it. I actually rewatched it in preparation for this episode. So I was like I don't want to repeat myself all over again, I don't want to say what I said before, but in rewatching it this morning I was like, oh shit, like I really had learned a lot about my inner child during that time and I have done before inner child healing work stuff before and I kind of thought I got it. Like you know, you're like, oh, I got it, like I figured that shit out. And then life gave me another lesson and I realized I didn't have it all figured out, but what happened was an example of when it when it works out the best way possible as a result of the work you've done prior, which is why I want to share it with y'all. Let me introduce myself first, as a result of the work you've done prior, which is why I want to share it with y'all. Let me introduce myself first.
Speaker 1:My name is Grace Sandra. I'm an activist, an advocate, a writer and a podcaster, and a mom. This podcast is a hope-oriented storytelling space. It is a warm hug of solidarity from me to you. It's a celebration of our resilience thus far and our desire and our drive to not only survive but to thrive. Welcome to episode 23. Welcome to episode 23.
Speaker 1:But first let me tell you all a story. So, yeah, I recently had this dating situation, girl, that like really woke something up in me. Okay, it just it woke something up and it was such a beautiful example. I think dating can be kind of stressful but also kind of beautiful, and I'm one of those people who I feel like I have learned by immersion. The real quick backstory for those of you who don't know me is I've been married for 20 years. I was married for 20 years of my adult life. I was single and celibate all through college. I got then engaged in college and then I got married when I was 22 years old and so, and then I was married for 22 years of my adult life and I wasn't ever single and or dating out here in the streets until like less than five years ago. So I just now at my big age of 48, I'm 48 now but when I started like dating again, I was like 43 for the first time ever just seeing what I like, seeing what I don't like, seeing what feels good, what does it like, what was even my type? I didn't even know what my type was really till it was like in my early 40s. And so I've been out here trying and while that's been hard and I think other people who watch me have been like maybe you shouldn't date because, like this seems painful. Yeah, it has been painful, but I feel like some of this has been just lessons your girl needed to learn, because I'm a lover girl, so I've always kind of wanted to be in a partnership. At this point I feel very done with marriage, with the piece of paper. I have three kids. I'm. I'm 48. So I'm done having babies, but I have wanted to have like a lifelong partnership. So it's felt like it okay, it's worth it for me to put some energy and effort into this.
Speaker 1:And I slowed down like the first a couple years after I I got divorced. I was like out there, just dating. I was going to, I was on a date every Wednesday, every Wednesday night. I was on a date, ok, usually for like six or eight weeks maybe with the same person, and then you know that would fizzle out and then I get back on the app and just date. It was fun. But then last year I was like this shit is traumatizing as hell. I don't want to do it anymore.
Speaker 1:But recently the situation I want to tell y'all about is about this guy I was friends with for a couple years first, which is super ideal situation. We met on a gig job. We had like an instant connection, but I knew like this guy's a lot younger than me, so just don't even go there, don't even think about it. At the time time I was 45. And it's really funny because when we met he was like how old are you? Like 22? I was like I'm 45. But the fact that he thought I was 22,. Like shout out, but anyway.
Speaker 1:So we were talking, we talked like eight hours that day and it was obvious we had like a just a really nice connection and bond. But again, I just didn't let myself think that way. At the end of the day, the guy who was like supervising us we were supposed to be doing other stuff when we were literally just sitting talking to each other like this far apart, and the guy was like just y'all just talk. Obviously something is happening, so y'all just talk. I'll just finish up, which I thought was funny, but anyway.
Speaker 1:So when we went to leave, I kind of went, you know, to like hey, it was really nice to meet you. And he like pulled me in and we hugged and I felt something. But I was like no, this guy's much younger than you. Leave it alone. So we're like let's stay friends on Instagram, because we were Instagram and TikTok, we were both trying to grow our TikToks and he had blown up on TikTok. So we were like really just these last couple of years we stayed in touch on Instagram and TikTok. We've wished each other Merry Christmas and happy birthdays, and it hasn't even been on some flirty shit, it was just we're just friends, we're internet friends, right, never saw each other, never invited each other to see each other or anything like that.
Speaker 1:But then earlier this year I kept seeing his stuff. It kept coming up on my feed because he does like inspirational self-help kind of content and his stuff is really good. It's really really good. Um, I don't want to share it because I don't want to share him, but he's really good. You might come across him anyway because he's blowing up right now on TikTok and YouTube and shit. I just saw his stuff and I and I just was thinking like I want to talk to him, I want to be around him. I just kept having this feeling like I want to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know how you you see somebody and I know you know we're friends and he lives close. So I was just like I'm just gonna DM him here and there his stuff would come up and I would just DM him and it was on like some real subtle flirty shit. You know, sometimes you can like jump into someone's DM and you can kind of flirt a little bit, but it's subtle enough that they could take it as like oh, she's flirting, oh, she's just being really friendly or she's just really awkward and she doesn't know she's just being really friendly or she's just really awkward and she doesn't know she's flirting, and they can kind of gaslight themselves like, oh, she's not flirting with you, but like, really, I was flirty, but he was kind of responding back with that same subtle subtlety so I didn't know if he was flirting back or not. Anyway, long story short, enough of that happened. So finally we got to the point where we were talking about cooking and he was like can you cook? And I was like, yes, I can cook. And then he was like well, you can cook for me. And I'm like, well, yes, I'll cook for you.
Speaker 1:So we decided that he was going to come over for dinner and I kind of knew then like, hmm, the night before he was supposed to come over for dinner, he was like hey, I'm going to this club. Do you want to meet me? I'm meeting one of my homies. So it just happened to be a night. I didn't. As we saw each other like he was, I was like, oh, this is a wrap. It was just like the look he gave me. He looked me up and down and he just looked like damn. And I looked at him like wow, and yeah, it was. It was just like that instant bond feeling came back real strong.
Speaker 1:And so, you know, we went out, we got a couple drinks, we went on to the dance floor and like while we were dancing we were just smiling and like staring at each other and I just was like I really want to kiss him. So I just started kissing him and it was great, it was really good. We just kissed, we we kiss on the dance floor for like way too long. That was probably appropriate, but it was really crowded so it wasn't awkward, but anyway. So we sat down and talked and we just started talking and he asked me he said what are the top three things that you would describe yourself outside of like your, your accolades or what you've done in life? And I just thought that was such a great question. And I remember thinking like see now that the kind of man I want in the world is the kind of man who would ask me that question while we're both a little tipsy in a loud club ask me that question while we're both a little tipsy in a loud club. So I gave him my three adjectives and then he told me his and, um, just, I was already based on just his social media content. I was already like impressed by him and just based on knowing him from before. So I was like really feeling the vibes. Y'all the vibes were vibing like have you ever met somebody? And you're just like these vibes are vibing so fucking hard.
Speaker 1:We went out to my car when the club closed and I was still a little tipsy. I had two drinks. Two drinks is all I need to get punch drunk. I was gone and I was like, hey, I can't drive right now, I just need to sit here while I sober up. And he's like, I'll stay with you, I'm not gonna leave you. So he was like let's just sit here and talk. So we sat and talked and, um, it was just obvious that we were both feeling really attracted to each other.
Speaker 1:And it wasn't just sexual. Like sometimes, you know, you know how, you just know, when you're with somebody, you're like y'all just want to fuck the shit out of each other. But it wasn't just that. I mean, I think that was part of it, I ain't gonna lie. And then you got the alcohol. We both were super tipsy, so that was, that was part of it. Okay, I'm being realistic with y'all.
Speaker 1:But there was also another part that I could tell that this is a deeper thing. We got going on also because we have known each other for these couple years. So, like at some point he said he's like I feel like we were probably married in a past life and I was. And then I joked and said and then because I thought he was kind of joking at first, and then I was like and we just find each other in every lifetime he was like no, I'm serious. I was like we are both so drunk, like talking about how we were married in a past life, like bro, but we were just having like that kind of conversation, like we're obviously feeling it was a very electric, a very electric kind of connection. But here's the thing. Here's the thing Sometimes, as we all know, when you experience an electric connection with somebody where it feels so intense, so quickly, like that can also be a sign of a red flag.
Speaker 1:But it has happened to me with my ex-husband, my daughter's father, who ended up being so abusive to me. We had a super charged, super electric, super strong, super like intense connection so quickly. The love bombing was huge and I didn't know what love bombing was back then. Okay y'all, that was a while ago, that kind of language was not at the forefront of conversations, that was pre-TikTok y'all. I didn't know I was being love bombed, but anyway, we ended up getting married within eight months and got pregnant right away with my daughter and then the abuse started and it was like literally the most horrific thing I've ever experienced. If you've ever been love bomb and then discarded, the pain is so intense, especially if once you're already married and pregnant. So I have experienced this and I had kind of done the work of healing from that, that relationship, that marriage in general, and and kind of actually have a radar for a super intense connection so quickly because I know that it can be trauma, communicating like sometimes those intense connections are trauma. So I kind of had my like alert bells on for that.
Speaker 1:But I also kind of felt like I don't think it's that, I think we're are just really aligned. And I will say that's another thing that we talked about is we have a lot of worldview alignments and for me and I think for him too there's some people it's really important for us to align on worldview and sometimes people are like why do I have to think this way. Why don't I have to think like you and I'm like you don't have to think like me? I personally value worldview alignment in romantic partnerships. I'm sorry, I just do Like if your worldview is too different from mine, we are never going to work, never, ever, ever going to work. I have tried in the past with other men who it seems like we're good enough guys, but like the worldview shit. As a sapiosexual I'm a sapiosexual. It's important to me. Not only that worldview alignment turns me on, it really does. Like I'm such a sapiosexual.
Speaker 1:I need men to be smart. I need them to be emotionally intelligent. I need them to be educated. I need them to think deeply. I need them to consider who they are in the world and who I am in the world and how we are in the world. I need them to think about humanity. I just I need alignment to think similarly about how we spend our day and how we spend our time. It's kind of like someone saying like I have to have a fitness model because that's my worldview, like I just you know, I got to have she, her body got to be right and tight, and for me it's kind of similar with your brain. Like your brain got to be right and tight for me to want anything from you. Like the coochie is going to not going to respond. The brain, the heart, nothing is going to respond unless you are a smart, intelligent, deeply thinking man. So here's this smart, intelligent, deeply thinking man. So here's this smart, intelligent, deeply thinking man with very, very similar worldviews. Stuff that I'm excited about too, like particularly meditation, thoughts about personhood, a lot of shit.
Speaker 1:And I'm thinking, I was literally thinking that night, if this guy, if he were 45, remember'm 48, and he'd already been married and he had some kids and he was just out here in the world looking for his lifelong partner, I would marry him tomorrow. Like I was thinking, this is the kind of alignment that I want and need in a lifelong partner. This feeling, this connected feeling, is what I want in a lifelong partner. This feeling of feeling bonded, like this, the sexual attraction, because, like y'all, he's so fucking beautiful, it's fucking ridiculous, like sometimes, you know, you can get clouded by that too. So I had to kind of like put that aside. Like, just set that aside, just set that aside.
Speaker 1:So I'm sitting there thinking that and knowing, but he's not 45 and he's never been married and he doesn't have kids and our age difference is so far apart like there's just no way. And at some point we're like it's like four in the morning, I'm sobering up. We're making out in the car and I started crying. I started crying on his shoulder and he's like why are you crying? I was like because this is so sad. I was just like I really like you and I know we can never be together. It's so sad. And he was like, yeah, I get it. Like our, our lives are just too too far apart. And it was just like, yeah, we would be dumb to try to make something work when we're in two different life stages.
Speaker 1:Because, yeah, age ain't nothing but a number. Throwing down ain't nothing but a thing. Okay, yes, we know that, but at the same time, age, while age isn't important generationally, it does matter. And like where you're at in your life, like I'm a you know, elder, millennial, young Gen X and he's I looked at it today he's actually Gen Z, like today's Gen Z. Gen Z was born between 1997 and 2012. So in 2025, gen Z is between 13 and 28 years old. Millennials right now are approximately 29 to 44 years old. Okay. So let's say I'm a young millennial, because I kind of relate more with being a millennial than I do. Gen X I feel like I'm kind of the best of both worlds, frankly, but this nigga is in Gen Z. Okay, he was born between 1997 and 2012. Legal, by the way, but just we're worlds apart in where we are in life.
Speaker 1:So we were like, well, let's just be friends. Then Like let's just be friends, let's never take it there sexually, let's just let's just be friends. And it was like, yeah, this is for the best. And it was kind of like OK, that's cool. So the next night is the night I'm supposed to cook for him for dinner and I kind of had it in my mind like let's just have a great conversation and have a nice night and that's all that's going to happen. Well, of course we have a nice dinner and I'm like, had I had made the environment probably a little bit too like romantic issues, I can't. It was like the very dimly lit. There was candles all over the place.
Speaker 1:So we're sitting on the couch talking after dinner and he told me that he talked to his mom about what happened with us and I was like you told your mom and he was like, yeah, and I showed her your Instagram and everything. And I told one of my homies and I was like, yeah, I told a few people too, and we had told people. Because it was just like, what do you do when you feel so bonded and so connected to someone so intensely? But there's this block in between. We were like, well, what if we just what, if we just explored this for like six months? Like what could that hurt? You know, it's not like we're ever going to be together long term. And you know he had already expressed that, yes, he wants to get married eventually. Yes, he wants to have his own baby. So I was like, yeah, we don't have to do any of that. Like let's just, let's just have fun. Like what if we just kind of, you know, like clearly we enjoy being around each other, like what could it hurt? Now, I really think, in hindsight, that conversation we could have been more clear, because I think there was some confusion which we debriefed later. There was some confusion I'll just say that on what was actually being said, but the general consensus was let's see where this can go, okay, for six months, in six months, and then let's check in. We had a good ass time, so I'll just leave it at that.
Speaker 1:The next day, there was something that happened. I don't even know what it was, I don't even remember now. Yeah, I don't remember but something happened the next day and I felt like a little bit of anxiety. I was just like that's interesting. And then, like the next day after that, the anxiety was growing and growing and growing, and it was kind of like one of those moments where I was like Grace, what the fuck are you doing? Growing. And it was kind of like one of those moments where I was like Grace, what the fuck are you doing? You know, because here's the thing. Here's the thing I'm 48 years old. I look younger than I am. I look way younger than I am.
Speaker 1:People usually think I'm like 35 or younger and I get hit on by a lot of younger men. I don't get hit on by a lot of older men, but I'm also not attracted to men who are 50 and over, which is, you know, I'm 48. So men who are 50 and older, only two years older than me, and I just I'm having a hard time generating physical and or sexual attraction for them, because not only do they resemble my father figure at the time, who was abusive to me so there's trauma but they also are, have like a boomer mentality and they're just really toxic, like really toxic. Men who are 50 and over are usually single because their wives left them, because they're miserable, horrible and or abusive. Terrible men Usually men who are 50, if they're a really good man, they're married and they're married for a reason because they're good to their wife and she loves them and she wants him around for a reason, because they're good to their wife and she loves him and she wants him around.
Speaker 1:Ok, but I'm not trying to throw out all the 50 year old men and older, but it's really just not my crowd. So I've been out here cougaring and shit, because young men, younger men, I'll say men who are like 26 to 40, are the men who are like really checking for me but also really being just much more respectful and understanding. You know, there's definitely like the red pill of this generation, like yeah, but it's the red pill. I feel like in the 26 to 40 range, those red pill men, there's far less of them than there are like just normal everyday guys, but men in the 26 to 40 range. They still want to have kids, they still want to get married. A lot of them, a lot of them. But those are the men who are checking for me.
Speaker 1:So I've been in this situation before where a younger man in his late 20s has really tried to talk to me and be like, yeah, I like you, I like hanging out with you, I think you're beautiful, we're having a great time. But like, yeah, I still want to get married and shit. And it's just like I have in my mind thought, well, I don't want to get married, so I'm cool if we just hang out and have fun. Like I'm cool with that, as long as it doesn't get serious. Because I never want to, I'm never going to take that leap. I've done it twice, I've been burned twice, I've not been impressed with myself at times. I just don't want to do it anymore. So I've been in this situation before. So I kind of thought like, yeah, me and him can hang out for six months, why not? Like, let's just hang out for six months, maybe longer, like let's just see. Because we had talked about like we're gonna go to Miami, we're gonna have the best time. So we was already making plans to travel together and shit.
Speaker 1:But I felt the anxiety and I'm someone, even though I've been in this situation before, I and I have anxious attachment issues. I try to see anxious attachment shit is like my wake up call. It's like my body saying like, hey, I'm alerting you to something. It's kind of like the yellow light, like if my body starts going crazy. But the thing is usually when I feel anxious around a man. It's when I'm around a man, but with him I would feel completely, my body would feel completely at peace when we were actually together, like in each other's physical presence. But as soon as we were apart, the anxiety would go through the fucking roof. And this was not like a small amount of anxiety. If this was not like a normal amount of anxiety, this was like insane anxiety.
Speaker 1:Let me also say real quick, let me pause to say your girl is in perimenopause. I'm on HRT. I just started HRT like a month and a half ago and people say it takes eight weeks for your body to get used to HRT, which, if you're not familiar, is hormone replacement therapy for perimenopausal women like myself. When your estrogen is like spiking and depleting every month, it's supposed to even you out. So you're always getting like the same amount of estrogen and progesterone every month and you're not freaking the fuck out.
Speaker 1:But sometimes it can take your body a little while to acclimate and I feel like I've been crying so much more. I told my best friend this and she was like you're crying more, like bitch, you already cry all the fucking time. And I was like I know it's insane. I I'm crying more, if you can believe it. I'm crying more the depression is depressing, more the anxiety is anxiety more like everything is heightened, everything like the sex is sexing more in the best way, so everything is heightened. I was trying to keep that in mind but I still was like this is this is fucking, this is crazy, so anyway.
Speaker 1:So I invited him to spend the night. Like three or four days later he comes over. We have a great night. It's like 3, 30, almost four in the morning and we're like, okay, we gotta go to sleep, we just gotta sleep, and neither of us could fall asleep and we're like just flip. I can hear him flip-flopping, trying to get comfortable. I'm flip-flopping and he says something like I'm just having a really hard time sleeping. I haven't slept next to anyone for a really long time and I was like, yeah, I haven't either.
Speaker 1:But I knew I kind of said that as an excuse, but I knew that wasn't why I couldn't sleep like my anxiety was through the fucking roof. I just my whole body was so discombobulated and it really wasn't usually like that with him. So I just rolled over and we were our faces are like this close, you know and I was like just feel like you're gonna hurt me. I just remember this moment because the way his arm was like around my neck, so my neck was like resting on his arm and he was looking at me like right there, and I just remember we were like staring each other's eyeballs and he was like Grace, I'm not gonna hurt you. And it was really weird because I believed him.
Speaker 1:I believed him, which some of y'all might be thinking you put your trust in a nigga Silly bitch. How you figure? Like that's what usually we say to girls when you're like you, you, you, what. You believed him. But no, I did believe him and I could tell in that moment I believed him and I literally thought this man is the most mature man I have met in years, years and he's so much younger, like a man in his 20s, is more mature than the last guy that I talked to somewhat seriously, who was 44. And it's been very obvious throughout how emotionally mature he was. So I actually did believe him, and you know just, I'll skip to the end of the story.
Speaker 1:He didn't end up hurting me. He did do something stupid, but he didn't end up hurting me. So he did keep that promise, but it didn't call me. I was like, okay, I'll never hurt you either. And then, you know, we went to sleep, finally fell asleep. It took me a long ass time, and so the reason why that was funny too is because we both had on like matching pink bonnets because he's got locks. So imagine two people with our big ass, matching pink bonnets on, staring at each other. Are you going to hurt me? No, I'm never going to hurt you. So I heard my inner child say what are you doing? I feel like you're going to hurt me. I feel like you're going to abandon me. I feel like you're getting caught up in this situation and you're not thinking about me at all. It was so vivid Because again like this is like we're in the dead of night, it's four, whatever, 430 in the morning and it was just almost like it was audible, but it wasn't audible.
Speaker 1:But I was and I started crying, but I hid it from him because I didn't want him to hear me crying, like this bitch cries all the time. So I didn't say anything, but I was just like in my head I didn't say this out loud, but I was like I'm not gonna hurt you, I promise I won't hurt you. I'm, I'm going to, you know, handle the situation. And I feel like she was like but why are you with him? Like you cannot do anything with him moving forward? And I was kind of like, yeah, I'm like you know, you know, you kind of talk yourself and stuff. I was like, yeah, but the thing is is like we're just gonna have fun, we just really enjoy each other, like we have such a great bond.
Speaker 1:And she was kind of like I kind of pictured the little version of me like stomping her foot and being like I don't care, I don't give a fuck about your bond, I don't give a fuck about how you feel about him. I don't, I don't care if you trust him. I still feel like you're going to abandon me. And I just was like I know that you're scared of being abandoned, because you were abandoned by your dad and your mom and your sisters and your brother and every adult in your life, which is true. My mom was schizophrenic, though she didn't abandon me on purpose, but the fact that I never had any secure attachments is why I still now struggle with anxious attachment when I start caring for someone and I could tell that I cared about him already and it had only been just a few days and she was just like I know you care about him and I'm afraid you're going to care about him more than me and I'm like no, I would never. Like I've already learned my lesson. I would never put a man before you. I will never, ever, ever do that again. I see the harm it's caused. I will never do that. And she was just like I don't really believe you. It was really weird.
Speaker 1:It was very interesting because I have done inner child healing work before, like I said, and it's not like I've never had these kind of conversations before or really tried to soothe my inner child or get in touch with who my inner child is. You know, the inner child is a very delicate, fragile part of our psyche and I have had to learn over the years like if you go watch the other episode. I have learned over the years how to treat her kindly because there was a time where I was really mean to my inner child and really essentially told her to shut the fuck up and then proceeded to ruin my life. So now I know that that inner child represents wisdom, that inner child, inner child work is doing shadow work. It's like what is beneath the surface of your actions.
Speaker 1:And I recognized while I was laying there next to him how terrified I was that this situation would crash and burn, just because of how intense it felt already. And I had told him the first, the first night, the night I cooked him dinner, he ended up leaving at six in the morning. We did not sleep and when I walked into the door and I gave him a hug, goodbye, and I looked him in his eyeballs and I said I will never betray myself for you. And, being an emotionally mature man who understands all that he was like, of course I would never betray myself for you. And being an emotionally mature man who understands all that he was like, of course I would never want you to Like. I'll never betray myself for you either, like that's just not who we are. Yeah, of course, yes, I felt so happy with that interaction.
Speaker 1:But the truth is like I think the reason why I felt like I had to say that was because I could already tell that maybe I was because I already knew I was feeling something. I already knew I was kind of surrendering to my heart and I already knew you're at risk. You're at risk of feeling something. If I thought I could just, you know, have a fun time with him and just go on dates with him and never feel anything, I don't think I would have had any anxiety. But I knew deep down that it was not going to be just a fun time, that I was already starting to feel feelings and I already knew we couldn't go anywhere. So I told my inner child, like it's okay, like we're going to be okay Over the next few days, as a result of my anxiousness, I was doing more pursuing of like connection.
Speaker 1:As a result of that, he was kind of like, well, wait, I thought this was just like us, kind of like having fun and exploring, but not ever moving towards anything serious, and so, like it created this cog, all of this. You know, all of this happened subtly, but it ended up where we decided we were going to meet for coffee a few days later. So I thought about it and I was just like my, my anxiety is too high, I can't do this. Like I have to tell him I can't do this. We got to go back to just being friends, like I'm just, I'm too anxious, and I know that I like him too much. And we had agreed we were not going to let our feelings get involved and that if we, if we ever did, we would just let each other know. And so we get, we sit down for coffee and basically he tells me first. I was gonna say something too, but I decided to just let him have it. So he tells me first. And I was fine with it.
Speaker 1:His reasons were a little bit different than mine, but it was pretty similar, pretty similar. So we agreed, like let's just go back to being friends, like it's totally fine. We were before like let's do that again. Then we had a great time just getting coffee and looking at books and talking about our mutual interests. It was great. So we decided to just be friends and see each other a couple more times and when we saw each other a couple more times, it was really really, really obvious to me that I could not just transition back to being his friend. I could not just transition like on a dime, because my little fragile fucking feelings got involved.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I won't go into all of what happened, but there was a little bit of jealousy, shit and just yeah, not, we didn't have the greatest night. On one of the last nights we hung out and so I told him the next day like hey, I need to scale all the way back. I can't do this anymore, like not even as friends. We can't even hang out as friends. I just need all the space and time because I feel like, even though we were never in a relationship and even though it didn't last very long, like I did, in fact, betray myself, even though this is a very short amount of time. Part of the reason why I want to share this story too is because of just how quickly that whole process went. From beginning to end was like less than two weeks and still produce a cacophony of sadness for me. Once I told him that, even though I said I need to scale back, I don't want to hang out as friends anymore, like we can't go to Miami together, like that's just ridiculous, we're just going to sleep together and it's just going to start this whole process all over again. But I felt so sad, right, because here's the thing because I let myself surrender to the fantasy, albeit very briefly.
Speaker 1:It kind of like acted as like kind of a drug, like being around him was like spiked my dopamine so fucking high just because I haven't been around a guy that I like, really intensely liked and respected and appreciated. And not only that, he's like a really big, really big personality. He is like right now his career is skyrocketing, he's he's going to be up in the ethers, like he's going to have a beautiful career. He's just yeah, he's, he's doing, he's going to be a big, big speaker like I. Just I can see it. He's going places and like kind of like me seeing that and like kind of like us being on the same track.
Speaker 1:Like I just saw the power, coupleness of it all and I think like the letdown after it was over was so intense and just like the, the fear of like this will this will continue to haunt me unless something different happens, like this dynamic of like the younger guy trying to talk to me and being super interested in me and us being great together, until it comes down to that moment of truth of like, well, I want to be married. You know and this is the third situation that this has happened in the third situation where it's obvious like, hey, we have a bond, we get along really well, we could do this, but you one or both of us, will never get what we want. You will want to be married eventually and I won't. You will want to have babies and I ain't getting pregnant. I'm not Janet Jackson, nobody's trying to have a baby at 50. And so I'm like this is the third time this has happened.
Speaker 1:And I sat down with myself Like there was one day after I told him that I just had to scale back and I couldn't see him at all, even as a friend. I cried, couldn't see him at all, even as a friend. I cried, I cried and cried and cried for like two days, maybe two and a half days. I was so sad. It felt like such a big loss, like just it felt like a huge, huge, huge loss, and I don't really even still understand why.
Speaker 1:But I was talking to my inner child and trying to tell her how sorry I was, because, even though that was not my intention, it was not my intention at all to self-abandon I did. But I was also crying because I was trying to tell my inner child, like how much I appreciated her sending out such a strong warning signal because she really was looking out for me. She really was letting me know like you could do this and you will have fun. But this man is out here in his single fine ass at his physical and sexual peak era, like he's not trying to settle down with you, boo, and you can lie to me and you can lie to yourself and say like, oh yeah, I'll be fine, you won't be. And so I had to apologize and also thank her for letting me know this delusional land, this fantasy land that you're living in right now, is only going to be fun for like two, two rides on a roller coaster and, baby, when you get off this roller coaster, you're gonna be sick as fuck. And really that's what happened.
Speaker 1:I did literally cry for two or three days and then I regretted telling him that I didn't want to see him as a friend anymore, because I'm like, well, if I hadn't told him that we could still at least hang out. But then I was like if you hang out, bitch, you know what's gonna happen. I felt like there was another lesson that I learned. But I also can really look at how far I've come, because here's the thing I think with women just in general, no matter what age you are, I think it's sometimes it's like kind of more embarrassing because I'm like damn it, I'm older, why am I still going through this fucking shit? But I also realized there was a time in my life where I never listened to my body. I never listened. I would just ignore my body. My body could be doing all the same shit it was doing with this situation and I would just be like step aside, I've got a carnival ride to get in. I've got red flags to wave. So I recognize that growth.
Speaker 1:There was a time I yell, swore, told my inner child fuck you, I don't love you, you're an ugly bitch, and I'm not even exaggerating. There was a time I actually hated my inner child. Came a long way with that, worked on it, worked on it, worked on it. Now I'm literally laying next to a man in my bed, can't sleep because I'm having a vivid, vibrant conversation with my inner child and I can can appreciate the growth and I can appreciate that, even though this was the shortest little tryst or whatever you want to call it wasn't even a situationship, I guess the shortest little dating situation ever but it still led to me feeling really intense feelings of loss and and I, like I said, I don't even blame him, he really did. I don't really think he did anything wrong, but the thing is I don't really think I did anything wrong either. I think life is messy. I also think that, as black women, there are societal pressures and expectations about dating, about aging. I think black women routinely feel left out of certain aspects of society and culture and dating is one of those that every little thing can sometimes bring up abandonment wounds.
Speaker 1:Doing inner child work is incredibly healing. I think it's so beautiful to be able to look back at my childhood and acknowledge the wounds that I was feeling and how it still bothers me and affects me today. It led me to be really vulnerable and transparent with him, which he later told me he really appreciated. Again, I know it's kind of hard to believe like grace, you're talking about someone in your 20s, but, um, you'll just have to believe me that he was very mature for someone in his 20s. But there was something that he said to me that I thought was really interesting.
Speaker 1:When we were talking about ending it, he said um, he was like you know, but right before this which is true, and I forgot to tell you all this right before we decided get together, he had decided that he was doing like 90 days of semen retention, which basically is like not only are you celibate, but you also don't self pleasure and you hold in your semen. As a man, I had never heard of that before, but apparently there's all sorts of health benefits. So he was doing 90 days and he said he was two months into it, and when we met I was about 30 days into. What I was saying was a 90 day celibacy journey and I wasn't doing any sort of coochie retention because I was still self-pleasuring but like celibacy was the thing for me. And so we both broke our commitments to ourselves and he actually brought that up, like when he was ending it with me at the coffee shop before I got the chance to say anything. But anyway, he was like yeah, I realized like something's off for both of us to self, abandon the commitment we had made to ourself. And I think that's another thing that my inner child was also saying, like I thought you were doing this whole 90 days thing, like 90 days of celibacy, 90 days of no emotional commitment to a man or any sort of like pursuit of men, and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I wanted so much to be like, well, this is an anomaly. Okay, bitch, this is an anomaly, so we're going to just go ahead and push forward.
Speaker 1:You have to realize that your inner child is really holding all of those memories from your childhood. It's holding all of those emotions and it's holding all of that and especially any trauma that happened to you before you were able to be verbal. That kind of ish is held in your body. If you ever read anything from Gabriel Matei, gabriel Matei talks about this a lot. He's a doctor who studies childhood trauma and he was part of the Holocaust and he's powerful, powerful, but he talks about, like, the trauma that happens. Your trauma is not what happened to you, it's how your brain remembered it, and so when you think about welcoming your inner child, think about welcoming her to share what happened to her, how her brain remembers it, especially before she had words. Because if you're able to get that stuff to the surface without letting it overwhelm you, you can have an experience like I had, where I feel like my inner child literally protected me. She protected me. I mean what I went through.
Speaker 1:I cried for three days, but imagine if me and him had been hanging out for three months or six months. I'd have cried for three days. But imagine if me and him had been hanging out for three months or six months. I'd have cried for four months. I know I would have bonded to him intensely because we already were on that track. Actually, that's what he said to me too when we were ending it. He was like you know where this is going right? Like if we keep going the way we're going, we are going to just submerge into each other's lives. And it was like, yeah, I can see that your inner child you experience like if your childhood experiences involved instability, fear, lack of safety, you know. Or, like I did, like I had a father who was abusing me. All of those things now can serve as alarm bells. So this is not about dwelling in the past. This is not about blaming your caregivers. This is really about offering compassion and validation to a part of ourselves that we may have shut down. We may have felt very unheard, very unseen or unloved, and this is a way to gently reparent yourself.
Speaker 1:And I love like I want to share this story with you all because I love. I love that after I finally, after three days, after I finally dried my tears and was like, oh my god, I miss him, which I did, I really, I really, actually still really miss him. But what I found is like such a great appreciation for myself, for my healing journey, for my inner child. I feel so grateful. I feel like the lesson was so big. I feel like he was the perfect man to facilitate that lesson, because he's been so mature and emotionally intelligent and gentle and kind and soft and just honestly wonderful. The whole, throughout this whole thing, which has been kind of I've cried with him like three times, like who fucking does that? Like the fact that he was able to hold space for my tears, for me to be vulnerable with him, like I've been extremely vulnerable with him and for him to be able to hold space for that is really kind of eye opening, but this has been so beautiful. It also shows me the growth I've had in the kind of partners.
Speaker 1:Every time I date someone, I feel like they've leveled up, level up, level up, level up I mean seriously and so I feel like I've gotten closer, like, okay, god, this was, this was good, this was close, this was really close, but could you add, like 20 years on him, he were 20 years older, I would marry him tomorrow. But realizing I'm still getting closer to what I want and like that kind of maturity, emotional intelligence, etc. Is what I want. So this is the kind of thing that I would encourage you to journal if you're on a healing, inner child healing journey, or you want to be on an inner child healing journey. You want to be protected from partners. You want to know what your body is saying. You want to know what your inner child is saying. You want to have dating experiences that go better, which, all things considered, I feel like to walk away from something and not say like this man harmed me in a way that I won't be regular or normal for years, like that's kind of I've had that in my past and I'm so thankful that those days are behind me that I can't even entertain anyone, who would leave me in such a sad state that I won't be normal for years. So here's a few journal prompts for you moving forward.
Speaker 1:One if you write yourself a letter from the perspective of your younger self, what would she want to say to you? What would she say that she needs from you? Ask yourself some questions like what did I long for as a child? What did I really really want? What were my biggest fears? What made me feel really safe? What made me feel really happy? And don't censor yourself at all, just let it flow.
Speaker 1:Another thing you can do is visualization and guided imagery. So imagine yourself as a child. Imagine where you slept, imagine what you look like, kind of picture her little body. Think about where you are, what emotions you might be feeling. I wouldn't get too deep into like severely traumatic moments because you don't want to trigger something in yourself without like a guided, trusted therapist or psychotherapist with you. But in general then, imagine like holding your inner child as yourself, as your adult self. Imagine comforting her, you know, talk to her lovingly, like I did in my bed when I was having like a major freak out about him.
Speaker 1:So one thing I did in that little three days that I was crying so hard about this whole thing is I left myself. Wait, let me see. Oh, I don't want to find around, but I left myself like I believe it was like a 35 minute voice note to my inner child and that was what really got it all out. I was sobbing y'all, I was heave crying. 35 minute voice note. I think I left it in WhatsApp, actually Telling myself, telling my little self, everything that I was thinking, everything that I was feeling, all the ways that I thought you know the things I was, yeah, just everything, everything that she might be thinking and feeling why this hurts, what hurt? Because I understood, I could understand and I told him this too you are what facilitated something that triggered something in me like this is not about you and really I can look back and see this wasn't about him, this was about me and he triggered something in me. The presence of him triggered something in me that deeply, deeply needed to heal, deeply, deeply needed to heal and deeply needs to adjust, deeply, deeply needed to heal and deeply needs to adjust, really needs to adjust to kind of a different reality as I'm getting older and as I'm thinking about lifelong partnership and what I need and what I actually want and what I'm willing to do and not willing to do. And I needed that and I needed this situation with him to trigger that kind of healing. And I needed someone like him to treat me with the kindness and love that he did to facilitate that journey without pain, so that it wasn't about him and all this harm he caused me. It was more about, like the harm I caused me to be real.
Speaker 1:You know, another thing you can do is look at old pictures of yourself. For a while I had a picture of myself as my screensaver. I mean, right now, this is my kids. But for a while I had one. And every time I would look at my phone I would just be like, hey, I love you, little Gracie, because I went by Gracie when I was a little girl and finally obviously set boundaries for yourself. And if I had kept my boundary to myself from before, I wouldn't be in this position. If I had kept the boundary to myself that I was going to go 90 days and be celibate and not date, days and be celibate and not date. But I learned something really beautiful out of it.
Speaker 1:If you do this inner child healing work, you're going to experience so much healing. You're going to experience so much peace, so much joy, so much gratitude, a reduction in anxiety and fear or a greater sense of safety and self trust, like even though you know the story I shared with you. I never felt unsafe, I just felt pain and that's okay. It's really okay. I also feel like, since I've been on this inner child healing work journey, that I feel a sense of lightness about myself. I feel like I'm able to laugh more, I'm able to have self compassion, just in general. So anyway, I think for black women, self love via the form of inner child healing work can be very particularly transformative and it can really address systematic oppression in a way that you don't know till you get on this journey. So I really want to encourage you to explore this with Reckless Abandon. Thank you so much for watching, if you like, the stories I'm sharing.
Speaker 1:I'm actually a writer and I write about shit I'm going through. I actually wrote a book called Grace Actually Memoirs of Love, faith, loss and Black Womenhood. It is available on Amazon in a hard copy or you can get it for your Kindle. Please subscribe to my newsletter called Out here Thriving. It's on Substack and I have six categories that I'm going to be writing about weekly. It's going to be starting soon I haven't started it yet, but it's going to be Soulful Sundays, mindful Moments probably on Monday, because MMM Body Beautiful talking about holistic health and wellness for our body, particularly us aging women, grown Women, wisdom, just personal experiences and life lessons, kind of much like what I just talked about.
Speaker 1:Number five a creative corner, creative sparks, kind of like journaling prompts, things like that. And then the final prompt is community connections, just a way for us to foster community, and sub stack has become a really beautiful community for black women. So I highly recommend you doing that. Anyway, thank you so much for being here. I realize it's a little bit longer of an episode, but I wanted to get all the details because I had to. I had to give y'all the tea. I had to give y'all the full tea, okay, so thank you for being here. You could be anywhere, but you're here and I appreciate you so much. Have a great day and I will see y'all in the next one. Bye.
