Out Here Tryna Survive
This podcast is a trauma-informed, hope-oriented, safe space. It is a warm hug of solidarity for Black women 35+. It is a celebration of our resilience thus far & our determination to not only survive but THRIVE.
Join me, Grace Sandra, a Mama, author, advocate/activist, storyteller, for some good ole self-love shenanigans.
We are braver than we believe✨
Out Here Tryna Survive
Epi 32: How Choosing Myself Attracted my Dream Partner
The moment I stopped needing a relationship, everything changed. After years of pushing through “little t” traumas in the dating pool and holding out hope that the right man would make it all click, a brutal Valentine’s reveal forced a reset. I saw the real pattern: every time I accepted nonchalant energy or waited for potential, I was abandoning myself.
I walk you through the exact shifts that followed—clear boundaries, daily self-love you can actually feel in your body, and a short season of singleness and celibacy that sharpened my standards. I cut ties fast when anxiety showed up. I stopped negotiating with mixed signals. I told myself “I love you” every morning and meant it. And then, without the noise of need, I realized something radical: I don’t need men for anything—money, safety, sex, or companionship. That clarity didn’t make me cold; it made me free.
From that grounded place, someone new reached out. No pressure. No games. Respect, follow-through, and real conversation. I share how I evaluated green flags, why voice and nervous system cues matter, and how we’re protecting a healthy, chalant connection while it grows. The biggest shift isn’t him—it’s me. Wanting without needing changed my choices, my peace, and the kind of partner I could even notice.
If you’re tired of the chase, this is your roadmap: drop nonchalance, practice embodied self-love, and treat brief dating as data. Hit play, then tell me your new non-negotiable. If this resonated, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs stronger boundaries, and leave a review so more people can find the show.
So there was a moment where I realized I was who I needed all along. I am the one I've been waiting for. I am the one. I am the only one I've been waiting for. And I am the only one who can love me the way that I need to be loved. And as a result of that, one mindset switch, everything changed. Hey y'all, welcome back to the Out Here Trying to Survive podcast, episode 32. So today we are going to be talking about. I am going to be telling y'all a story of really how I decided to choose myself, what led up to that decision, and really how that single decision changed really everything for me, including the kind of love that I attracted and now have, that I'm still a little shook and low-key kind of scared about, but in a good way. I'm just really excited to tell y'all a story of happiness and healing and seeing things differently because damn, I've been on these internet streets out here sharing with y'all my pain for a long time in areas where I have tried to be honest with y'all, like I'm just not growing or I'm growing slow or it's getting frustrating. But it's really good to come up here and tell y'all a breakthrough that your girl done had a real actual breakthrough. Yeah, if that's something you're interested in hearing and how I really attracted the love of my life by deciding I ain't wonder no more. Let me tell y'all a story. By the way, if you're watching on YouTube, why am I holding the microphone? And my real microphone is over here. I'm having trouble with my ProTech 4, so I decided to switch up the game and use my camera microphone. But because I'm wearing a strapless dress, I can't put it on there and it keeps pulling my dress down. So I'm just gonna hold it like this for today. The backstory is back in 2020, I divorced from a narcissistically abusive marriage. I pretty much had the same mindset that I had before, which is that when I find the right person, I'll be happy. I really thought for a long time, for most of my adult life, and in fact, I was socialized that way, just growing up in kind of evangelical Christian circles. I really believed, like society told me, the Disney fairy tale princess, that when you find a man, you will be happy, and that is what you're supposed to do. And I was married for 20 years of my adult life. For those of y'all who don't know, I divorced him and I just really thought, you know, like I will eventually find a nice boyfriend. And I had one that ended poorly, and then I had another one very briefly, and that too ended poorly, which I also talked about on my YouTube channel. Now, some of those I may have privated because I was like, child, this is just getting embarrassing. But I still kind of had this idea in my mind, like I still didn't really want to be alone. I just thought as I heal, I'll attract better quality men. And so I really set about my healing journey, but I still really, really wanted to have sex, I still really wanted to date, I still really wanted to have fun. I just wanted to explore and learn and do what single people do, especially because I got married when I was really young. I got engaged and married when I was really, really young. And so I didn't really have a chance to explore dating and just be out here in these dating streets and just enjoy being taken out to dinner and all of that. Because I was 20 years of marriage that was really hard, 20 years combined between both of them. And it was hard. Those marriage years was hard, and I gave myself in every way I possibly could to both of my ex-husbands. Not saying I'm perfect, not saying I didn't make no mistakes, y'all. But I really gave it my all. I gave healing my all. I really gave those men a lot of my energy and my try. My try, try, try, try to make it work. So when I left my second husband because he was really abusive and I could not handle it another day, could not take another day. I really thought it was a combination of two things. One, I do need to keep healing from my own childhood trauma, which was really severe. But two, and this is the bigger predominant issue, I thought, is my first husband, we were not compatible and we got married too young and we were dumb and didn't know what we were doing, and I wasn't ready for it, neither was he. And then life was hard and we had kids and all of that. In my second marriage, I thought what happened was he was just completely abusive and incapable of empathy, and that's the problem. And so when I flung myself out into the world as a single woman in her early 40s, I really thought I have been with the wrong man. And once I get myself together, really fully heal, and I'm with the right person, then it will be right for me. So I just have to keep healing and keep like putting my nose to the grindstone and just keep healing and find the right man. And if I just find the right man, and when I just find the right man, and then everything will be fine. I don't know, it's just kind of felt like a little bit to-do listy, just a little bit to-do listy, you know, more than I'm comfortable, but like we we all have to learn, right? That's where I was at. But what I was finding is that first of all, y'all know dating can be really fun, but it can also be really painful. I feel like if you out here trying to date cishet men, you are going to experience like a number of little tea traumas. And this isn't just me, this is virtually every woman I know who's out here who's straight, who's trying to date straight men, that you are going to experience a bevy of little tea traumas interacting with straight men over and over and over again. I really didn't know that, y'all. I didn't know how bad it was out here, I didn't know how poisoned the dating pool really was. The dating pool is really poisoned with the straight men. This is not anything that is surprising any of y'all to hear, I'm sure. But for those of you who don't know, men, men, straight men have so many issues. Straight men can be so violent, so violent in so many different ways that it leaves you kind of just like shocked. And again, this isn't just me, this is me and all my friends, and all of the groups I'm in. I'm in so many Facebook groups for so many different things, like black women who cook, black women who go to Aldi's, black women who are sick of dating, black women who are in paramenopause, and then I'm that's just the ones for the black women, and then I'm in so many other groups too. Women who are in perimenopause, moms, kalamazoo moms. I mean, I'm probably in like 40 groups, and I tend to interact in my Facebook groups a lot because they're just a really great solid place of community. And I'm talking about women of all ages, I'm talking about women of all races, I'm talking about women all over the planet who are just like dating straight men is traumatizing. And I cosign. I cosign. I haven't even told the story yet of what happened to me last year with a man I was dating, sort of dating. It was kind of a situation ship, but y'all, this man had a girlfriend the whole time, the whole time, like Mrs.
SPEAKER_00:Doubtfire, the whole time, the whole time, though, the whole time, you would the whole time.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, it was a little tea trauma for sure. It was a little tea trauma the way that situation was insane. Anyway, I'm not gonna harp on that. We all already know how traumatizing it can be to date. Like, yes, it can be fun, yes, there's so much about it, but if you go in a woman with an open heart and you're just ready to love and you're ready for more, and you go in and then you meet these men, and they are traumatized themselves in so many ways, having healed from like 17.9 different things, and these men will not hesitate, they will not hesitate to harm you in 79.2 different ways. Ciao, child. So let me tell y'all the story of what happened. I'm gonna try to be brief of what happened with a story that I think was the tipping point for me. So I'm out here dating, I'm getting little T traumas over and over again, and just getting really tired and really trying different things, you know, trying men who aren't as conventionally attractive, trying men instead of dating men who are like maybe nines, who I perceive as nines or even tens, dating men who are perceived as six or sevens, dating men who are in a different field, dating men who are maybe a little bit more upwardly mobile, financially dating men who are maybe a little bit less. Like, I was really trying different things because I'm like, certainly it's not just me. Like, I know my faults, but I also know what I bring to the table. I know I bring a lot of goodness and a lot of kindness and a lot of love and a lot of emotional maturity and a lot of loyalty and a lot of bravery. And I've known I just have a lot of love to give to a man still. I've known that while holding that intention with I have areas that I need to work on and I'm still committed to working on them and I'm still in therapy. Okay. So I've known that. So I met a man a couple summers ago, and he slid my DMs, and I was just really taken with him right away. He had a lot of the things on the list that I had wrote, you know, the manifestation list, like I want my perfect man, my dream man, my person to have these things. And he had so many of them, and we had very similar life paths, which is a very high value for me. I've really wanted someone who is really into community activism and community organizing and social justice, who would consider themselves to be a feminist or a womanist, or someone who is very, very, very pro-black, very pro-black woman, someone who does not have a trace of misogynist, someone who knows how to handle their anger well, someone who is the opposite of the abusive man that I had divorced in 2020. And this man seemed to possess all of those things. And not only that, he had this amazing, really beautiful, deep voice that I really liked. We just had such an intense, really not actually, I'm not even gonna say intense. We just had an immediate. I'll say we had a very immediate connection. And I was just taken by him. And he was also very upwardly mobile. He was in law school, he had already had a professional career, successful career, and so many other things before he even took himself back to law school. But anyway, when I was telling people about him, they were like, oh my God, yes, this is the kind of guy you should be dating. This is the exact kind of guy you should be dating. And here's why all the men you've dated in the past have not been up to par because they're not like this guy, like this guy, this is the guy you should date. This is the guy you should invest your time and energy in. Um, over the course of the next year and a half, he just kind of kept putting it off and putting it off, but like just giving me enough to keep me on the hook, giving me enough to keep me engaged and still wanting more with him, but saying, here's why we can't move forward, here's why here we can't move forward, here's why here we can't move forward. And in hindsight, now I would just never ever put up with that. It's interesting how much you can grow in such a short amount of time because now I'd be like, Okay, well then I'm I'm moving. It's time to bounce to the next dick, boy. That would be so simple for me right now, like such a simple thing. Like, you are putting me off, you're very nonchalant. But back then, that was the first guy I'd really ever dated of that quality and caliber, along with the kind of quality of our connection. It just felt like there was always good reasons, and the reasons that he were saying made sense to me. And I also felt like he's worth waiting for, so I want to be patient. And you know, looking back, it's kind of like, oh girl, like if if it were me talking to someone else about this situation, I would just calmly rub her back and be like, baby girl, this this he don't want you, he don't want you. And there were a couple people in my life who were saying that, you know, in hindsight, I just didn't get it. I I wish I could tell y'all I did, but that's where I'm at. I'm not gonna lie to y'all. I was just like, no, no, no, no, it's gonna be fine. But anyway, it didn't end up being fine, and then I found out in the most gruesome way possible, in the most gruesome way possible that he had had a girlfriend on and off basically the whole time. The whole time.
SPEAKER_00:The whole time, though, the whole time you would the whole time, the whole time.
SPEAKER_01:I found out on Valentine's Day earlier this year when he posted a picture of his girlfriend and said, This is my Valentine. That's how I found out. And we're Facebook friends. This doesn't really make it any better, but later I found out actually it kind of makes it worse, but later I found out that he didn't mean for me to be in the audience that he was sharing that. He meant to have that be so I couldn't see it. So, which means he would have prolonged this even more. It was one of the more like heartbreaking things. It was another yet another little T trauma. I mean, I scream cried when I found out I scream cried because I loved this man, and I told him that three weeks earlier, and I actually asked him, like, hey, it's been a year and a half. You keep saying you're not ready for all of these reasons. I just want to tell you, like, I feel like I'm in love with you. I really want to keep waiting, but I feel like I should probably let go. And he was like, No, no, no, don't let go, don't let go, girl. Keep hanging on, keep hanging on because we got something special to wait for. And so I can't believe I I don't know why he didn't just take that out. I'm not sure. He didn't take the out that I gave him, like, let's just, let's just keep it a bug, let's, let's just be friends. And then he posted the damn picture on accident. I found out I scream cried in my laundry room. So my kids would not hear me scream crying like that because they were all home. It was a Saturday morning and it was awful. And I was awash in grief. Awash in grief. But that was a turning point for me where I knew like something has to change with me. I literally cannot keep doing this, I cannot keep experiencing little T traumas from the men I'm dating. And during that time, because me and him weren't together, because we were in a situationship, we weren't dating exclusively, we weren't even dating in any sort of like real meaningful way because he lived far away from me. So during that time, I was still talking to and dating other people, and he knew that. And he was telling me that he wasn't talking to or dating anyone else, which is wild to me considering he had a whole ass girlfriend. But I was still going on this journey, and I will say during that time, I was making better choices of the kind of men I was dating throughout 2024. But when I started 2025, I knew something has to change, even with that scenario. And when that happened on Valentine's Day, it was the slap in the face that I needed, it was the knife in the back that I needed, it was the kick in the coochie that I needed to be like, girl, you got to wake the fuck up, bitch. You got to wake the fuck up. You have got to change. Things have got to change. Things have got to change. I realized I am continuing to abandon myself, albeit better than I have before, but I'm abandoning myself and I cannot keep abandoning myself no more. I can't.
unknown:I cannot.
SPEAKER_01:So the first thing I decided to do was just to slow down dating, just period, just slow down, do a little bit less. The second thing I decided was to be much more guarded with my heart, even if they presented as a really amazing person. I also decided that I have a complete and utter intolerance for nonchalantness. Ninjas moving forward have to be completely shallant. They got to be chalant as fuck. They got to be shallanting all over the place. Okay. So that is what I think every woman should be at in general if you're out here single dating. But that's kind of a hard place to be when you're coming from a place of I just really want to date and I just really want to have a good boyfriend. I just really want to find a nice boyfriend. Like I was really on that tip for a while. Like, I just really want to find a nice boyfriend. I just want one nice, consistent boyfriend. That's what I want. I just want one nice boyfriend. But I think that line of thinking led me to continue to entertain men who were nonchalant. And I think after that happened with the guy and the girlfriend and Valentine's Day and everything, I was like, no more nonchalant ninjas at all. It's just not happening. I also decided to redirect my attention back to myself in a very concrete kind of way, which was telling myself how much I loved myself and appreciated myself and what I loved about myself. And when I say that I was doing that, what that looks like, if you're like, what the hell does that look like? Because it's helpful. It's a helpful thing to know. What it looked like for me is that when I would wake up in the morning, my first thought would be intentionally, hey, I love you. I really love you. I really appreciate you. Tried to think about like what would be great to experience from a man? What is it that I'm looking for in me from from a man? So I was thinking, if I had a boyfriend, if I did have that nice boyfriend that I've thought I've wanted before, I would love if when we wake up in the morning, he's like gently rubbing my shoulder and he's looking me in my eyeballs and he's like, you know, I really appreciate you. You, I love you. I I just really appreciate your ass. And so I was like, why can't I just do that to myself? Girl, just do that to yourself. So I did that. I literally woke up in the morning, and you know how there's like scientifically a trick. If you rub the back of your neck with both your hands, which I can't do it since I'm holding this damn microphone, but if you rub the back of your neck like this, your brain, it actually can't differentiate between the fact that you're doing and someone else is doing it. So you can't offer yourself physical touch in a way that is healing. So I would wake up in the morning and rub my own damn back and tell myself, like, I love you. I really appreciate you. I'm really grateful for you. I love you so much. And I would try to fall asleep telling myself that too. I was trying to really focus on what are a few ways besides the action ways. You know, sometimes you go work out. That's telling your body, I love you. Because I'm I want your heart to be pumping because that's what you need to be healthy. You know, you eat healthy, you're telling your body, I love you. I'm giving you nourishing shit. That's the way we show our kids we love them, giving them nourishing shit on the table. So, yeah, those are good too. But how often are we verbally telling ourselves, I love you, the way that you want it from a man? So I was doing some things that were showing myself, like, hey, I do love you. And the other thing I was doing was cutting off other connections pretty quickly that were nonchalant, even when it hurt. You know, I did a whole podcast episode, I will link it up here where I really liked somebody, met somebody in a earlier this year who I really liked. He was way too young for me, but I did like him. Even though he was really young, I did really like him. You know, we decided after a week to stop dating because both of us knew, he knew, and I knew that it was just not a good idea. Our age difference was just a little bit too much. Even though we did really truly like each other, I was realizing just after a week that he was giving me too much anxiety. And so I cut it off because I'm like, age difference or not, even if we hadn't had the age gap, it was giving me anxiety. And I was like, no, I'm just not going to date anyone that gives me anxiety. It's just not in the cards for 2025 because I love myself too much. And there was another guy I dated very briefly. Again, the brief, I think me dating people briefly actually has been really helpful for me because in the past I've held on way too long. Trying to think, is he gonna be a nice boyfriend? No. Is he? And just being like, nope, this isn't right for me. Deuces. And then another big thing that I decided to do was to take 90 days of singleness and celibacy. And that was really hard. And honestly, I didn't even make it the full 90 days. I'll just keep it real with y'all. But I think what it kickstarted for me was really, really important. What it kickstarted for me was an ability to say to a lot of men, because I had this really weird thing happen this summer. Right when I started that whole I'm gonna have 90 days of singleness and celibacy, right when that happened, it was like colliding with the weather getting warmer in Michigan, and I was putting up like a lot of bikini shots because me and my daughter were at the pool a lot. I'm not an Instagram model, Instagram baddie or whatever, but I do put up bikini shots when I feel like you know, obviously, I don't mind showing my cleavage or whatever. So I'm like putting up all these like sexy pool side picks and stuff, and Facebook like pushed my content out so heavy to thousands and thousands and thousands of men in the actually specifically black American men in the 35 to 55 demographic. And so I was getting thousands of thousands of friend requests from black men in that age range, and then it was coinciding with like hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of DMs. I would say I probably got like in that time frame, I haven't like went back and added it up, but maybe like 300 or so, I was just getting like a lot of options all of a sudden. Right when I said I want to take some time for myself to evaluate myself, to focus on loving myself, to focus on building my business and things like that. And it was interesting because like when you have thousands of men in that age range, which is right about actually the age range that I date, typically 35 to 55, and I only date black American men. Basically, that's the demographic that I have decided is my favorite. And all of a sudden, I'm getting that exact demographic in my DMs, and some of them were being extremely kind, extremely respectful, it's coming at me extremely correctly. And I was like, dang. And so what happened was as a result of that, I was quick to just say, like, hey, I'm actually I'm doing a time where I'm pursuing 90 days of singleness and celibacy, so I'm not available right now. Even for the ones that seemed like they were great, a lot of them were really attractive, a lot of them seemed very successful, a lot of them were very upwardly mobile. I mean, it was a lot, honestly, like really good options, y'all. It was, of course, there was a lot that were just like, oh my God, I would never there was yes, a lot of that, of course. But like, I didn't even need to be on dating apps. I was getting so many great quality men like pushed at my door, like I've never experienced before. It was crazy. Facebook was like, these people gonna see your profile. They're gonna see your profile. Yeah, it was nuts. But because I had that 90 days of singleness and celibacy that I was trying to do that I didn't even make it through, because one of those men, one of those men that got through was he was a very attractive, very successful, really nice, very respectful. Like he slid into DMs and we just started having a great conversation. And so, but I told him right away, like, hey, I'm doing 90 days of singleness and celibacy, we can be friends, but that's all we can be. And I think because I was coming at it from that perspective, it actually changed like the quality of men who kept engaging with me, if that makes sense. So this guy, he just and continued to engage with me very respectfully. And he was like, I have no problems with that. I have no problems with us waiting on sex as long as you want or need for us waiting to talk or date or seeing you. And I think just the way that he came at me was just so respectful that it made me, in addition to actually liking him and being attracted to him and seeing like this is a very successful, respectful man. So I didn't make it the full 90 days, but within six weeks of dating him, um, not even dating him, within six weeks of just getting to know him, I understood this situation is he started off very chalant. He started off shallanting, but within six weeks, it was very obvious. Like, he's becoming nonchalant. Yeah, after six weeks, that situation ended and it was fine. But what it did was it made me realize like I can keep doing that. I don't have to say I'm on 90 days of singleness and celibacy. I can just let all these ninjas go because I really don't feel like I need or want the drama that they're bringing. I think that situation with him was a nice turning point because I'm really glad that I did decide to move forward and go out on a few dates with him. We actually ended up having four dates in that time. But I'm really glad because it really showed me you can meet someone who's really nice. You guys have a nice compatible connection. He was really very sweet person and attractive and all of these things, but at the end of the day, it still wasn't the connection that I needed. And there were things I was asking him to do that he was not doing. Like, hey, when you do this, this doesn't make me feel very cared for. Can you do something different? And he would say, Yes, yes, babe, I'm gonna try. And then he would fail. And after like two or three times of that, some of those things were like just to give you an example. I would say, like, hey, when you get home from work, if you're working late, just you know, give me a quick call or give me send me a text, let me know you're home. Or like, let's just have like a quick little check-in, especially if it's been a really busy day and we haven't talked. Like, I would just love to touch base. Or he would say many times, I'm gonna call you back, and never would. I just didn't like that. I just feel like I don't care how motherfucking busy you are. I got three kids, he didn't have not a single child, only a dog. So I feel like even if you take your dog out for a walk, you can send me a quick text back and say, Hey, I'm super tired, I'm gonna go to bed. He just wasn't following through nearly enough. Cha, I was not asking for too much. I had to run it by my best friends, I had to run it by my therapist. Like, am I asking for too much with all these things I'm asking him to do? And he keeps failing, and they were like, No, you are not asking for too much. He is just refusing to do any of the things and follow through the way that he should. But it was a turning point for me in realizing I just don't need this. I just don't need this. I don't need this. And honestly, the feeling that I didn't need it started to feel really good, really, really good. And then reason why I'm laughing is what I'm about to tell y'all is that the next turning point for me, because I feel like it was like a series of turning points throughout 2025 that really changed things for me. I went on this like fun friend weekend with a friend group and one of my best friends, and we had the best time, okay. That weekend was wild, it was a little crazy, it was damn near debaucherous, okay. It was a crazy weekend. What happened that weekend stays with that weekend, okay? It was crazy, and that's all I'm gonna say about that. But having kind of an adult crazy weekend where I really let myself go a little bit, okay? I let myself have fun. On the way home from that weekend, me and my girl were driving back. It was like an hour and a half home. She was quieter, she was sleeping, and I just had these thoughts in my head. And I, you know, we're on the road, it's dark, and I just had some really deep thoughts, and I was like, you know, I don't really need that. Like what happened this weekend? Yeah, that was fun. Yeah, it was a little wild, yeah, it was a little crazy, but I don't really need that. And then I started thinking to what happened in the summer dating this very attractive, very wealthy, very compatible man, and I was like, I don't really need that. And then I was like, so you don't really need to date, you don't really need to date men like him or any man. And then you had some fun and you don't really feel like you need the fun. And then I was like, oh, I don't really need men at all. It just kind of hit me like, I don't need them for anything. And then I realized you don't really need them for money, you don't really need them for success, you don't really need them for companionship because I have such amazing girlfriends and I get so many relational needs met from them. And I just had this moment where I was like, oh my God, I don't need any of them at all for anything. I don't need them at all. And it was just kind of like, holy shit, like, oh my God. It was kind of like a life revelation. Like, I've believed my whole entire fucking life that I have needed men for something, one thing or another. If not money, then sex. If not sex, then companionship. If not companionship, then to build shit. If not to build shit, then to be around. If not to be around, to like change a damn tire. If not to change a tire, then for leadership. If not leadership, it was just kind of like you have been socialized your whole life to believe that you need these men. If it's not for A, B, C, D, E, and F, it's for G-H-I-K-L-N-O P. And I really realized like I don't need S T R V W X Y or Z from them. Nothing. Not a single damn thing I need from them. Nothing. And not only that, like in this big epiphany moment in this car ride, I was like, I don't even want those things from them. I don't really want to date them. I don't want their money. I don't want sex. I don't want dick. I don't want companionship. I don't want a hug. I just realized I don't even want these things from them because they're all fucking headaches. Every single one of them are headaches. All of them are getting on my fucking nerves and causing me little T traumas over and over and over again. I just don't want it anymore. It was crazy, y'all. All of this hit me in this car ride. And I was like, oh my God, I can't wait to tell my counselor this. We have been talking ad nauseum all summer, basically since April, about all of these issues and him trying to kind of, I think, help me move towards a place of independence, not all the way towards independence to where I got to, but like to the place where I just was feeling fulfilled in myself. And it was kind of like all of the self-work I've been doing, all of the desires that I've had, all of the ways that I've been trying to get myself healed, ready for a relationship. And I realized I'm just ready for me. I just want me. I just want to keep loving myself. I love what I give to myself. I love how I love myself. And I love how my girlfriends love me. And I love how I love myself. And I just, I love all of it. And I don't really need anything more from anyone ever. And I don't care if I ever meet another man who's handsome and successful and well off and this or that. It doesn't matter what he is or what he brings to the table. I don't care. I just don't need them or want them. I don't know. I woke up the next day like a brand new woman. Like, oh my God, this is so freeing. This is so freeing. Like, how did I get here? I cannot believe that I'm here. I literally cannot fucking believe that like I finally got to a place where I'm like, I don't even want a boyfriend. I don't even want one. I don't need dick at all. Like, I can buy one off Amazon. They move the ones, girl, they move, they gyrate, they heat up, they shake, they swivel, they turn. I mean, if you want to buy a dick, like I can give you some references because I have found some that I'm like, do you even need the real thing? I mean, dang. But anyway, I've been wrong. Like my whole life, I've been wrong about what I thought I needed and what I thought I had to fix. And I just thought I had to find something different. I had this huge epiphany, huge. I told my therapist, and he was like, What? What? Oh my God. Like he, I just told him all the whole thing. And he was just like, Oh my God, like that's crazy. And I was just like, Yeah, I really feel like I'm going to be single and I'm going to not be out here and I'm just going to do me and I'm going to focus on myself. And he was like, That's great, Grace. Like, really, really encouraging. And I was just like, Yeah, I'm just to a place now where like I don't want to find a nice boyfriend at all. So I'm just going to be single. And he was like, That's perfect. That's great. I'm really excited for you. And I was like, Yep, I got off all dating apps. I closed down all my dating apps. I'm not open to any DMs. Like, men are still kind of trickling through, like, they're still messaging me here and there from like the big Facebook push. But yeah, I'm just going to be alone. And he was like, That's awesome. And That is literally where I was when my man that I have right now, because I do have a boyfriend, when he slid into my DMs and I told him, like, hey, thanks for inquiring, but I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now. I'm actually gonna be single for a while. I'm just focusing on myself. Yeah, I'm just not interested, but thank you. And then he like wrote me back again and then, you know, said something else, very respectful, very kind. He came at it in a very kind of like, again, like, oh, I I respect where you're at. And you know, just asking me some questions, just he was keeping me engaged. And the questions were totally fine. They were totally respectable, and some of the things he was telling me about himself. And I was like, Yeah, you actually seem like a really, really cool guy. Yeah, I'm just not I'm not interested. Um, but like we can be friends if you want to be friends. And he was like, Yeah, I would love to be friends. And so we continue to message being friends. Now, the reason why I even continue to message with him is because if I'm engaging with a man and he's actually engaging me and engaging my brain and I'm enjoying messaging with him, which is what happened, I'll keep doing that. It's just very rare that that actually happens. It's very, very rare, really, in the history of Facebook Messenger that a man can DM me and actually keep me engaged because I'm such a sapiosexual. Such a sapiosexual. A man has to really be very intelligent and really highly engaging and highly mature to keep my attention. Otherwise, I'm just, yeah, yeah, bro. I'm not gonna fucking sit here and smell talk with you, like, hey boo, how are you? Good morning, beautiful. Hi, beautiful, good morning, beautiful. Like, I'm not gonna fucking do that all day. Please, please engage my fucking brain. So, anyway, that's what he was doing. So the fact that he was keeping my attention and we were just engaging on that kind of like friend level is really what his in-road was. Because he let it know, like, I think you're a very beautiful woman, you seem very intelligent, we have da-da-da-da-da-all these things in line. And I was just like, Yeah, it is very rare for me to meet someone where we have so many things that are very, very aligned. We do have so many worldviews that are very aligned, and I have a very particular worldview. I have a very particular worldview, so I'm like, Okay, you got you got me there. He tried to call me one day, like he called me through Facebook Messenger, and I'm like, Nick, that is, I mean, it's not a red flag. Someone trying to call you is not a red flag, but it did strike me as like, okay, that's weird because men nowadays do not just try to call you in the DMs, you know, it's just not a thing that men do. But I know that he had been married before and had been married for a long time and like isn't necessarily out here in these dating streets, like knowing exactly like dating decorum or even trying to get a girl decorum. And so I ignored that, but then like you know, we kept messaging and then like the next Saturday, he did the same thing where he tried to call me again in the DMs, and I was like, I need to let him know for sure. So I left him back a voice note and I just said, Hey, I want to be very clear, I'm not interested in getting to know anyone, and so let me be so clear so that you can not call me anymore. I didn't say that specifically or so like rudely. It sounds like I was being rude, but I was just like, No, because you call me, I'm never going to pick up. Never ever going to pick up. Because I left him a voice note, he left me a voice note back. And honestly, that is what changed things for me because when I heard his voice, I was like, Oh my god, I love his voice. Now, voice is a big thing. There's actually some science behind this whole thing with voice. What a woman can tell from the timber, I guess, of a man's voice. I pay attention to a man's voice in the past. If I am starting to talk to someone and and I don't like how his voice sounds, I have let my body and my mind live in the science of that and just said, hey, no, thanks. And I haven't told him like, I don't like the sound of your voice, but it says a lot. And I really love me or hate me, I rest a lot on that. And I loved the sound of his voice, and it just really put me at ease, not just what he said, or not just the sound of his voice, but what he said. And I was like, you know, Grace, you don't need him. Now you feel like you're coming from a place where you don't need him, you don't actually have to have a boyfriend or need anything from a man. So coming from that place and you like his voice, just give him a shot, talk to him on the phone, just have a phone conversation. And so I decided to give him a shot. And here we are. Here we are. He is one of the most wonderful, upstanding, beautiful humans, I think, in terms of men, I've probably ever dated or been with in any way. Now, that's not coming from a place of I've known him for a year. So I'm, you know, take it with a grain of salt. What I know so far is no red flags, all green flags. What I know so far is the beginning of a very beautiful, very beautiful friendship that is increasingly becoming what looks like a very long-term relationship. It's completely from this place of I don't need you in my life at all. I really, really want you in my life. Really beautiful to come from that place because I can honestly tell you, I've never had that before. I've never been in any relationship for the entirety of my life where I have not felt like I want you and I need you and I will die without you. And the more, you know, the closer we grow, the more I have felt like I need this person. But with him, I feel like, no, I I know that I will be fine without him, but I really want him in my life. And he feels the same way. And I think the way that we're coming at each other with a sense of like our self-love is really fully intact. It just comes with so much more respect, like a level of respect and appreciation and health that I really don't think I've ever experienced ever in a romantic relationship. So yeah, I would say that me deciding I never wanted to have another man again in any capacity, physically, emotionally, sexually, or spiritually was a turning point for me getting the man that I've always wanted physically, spiritually, sexually, and in every way. It's really odd. Like I really feel like he is the dream man that I've really always wanted. But I had to really first realize that I didn't want before I could have. Yeah. As for him, I will probably talk more about our relationship as time goes on, especially if we evolve as I am assuming we are going to, based on how it's going so far, and based on how much there's such a mutual love and respect and just a dignity that I feel like we are giving to one another. It feels just very, very beautiful and very precious right now. I also usually share my man. Whenever I've had a man in the past, I share a lot, and I'm trying to be, I think, much more careful and much more cautious with this scenario. I have not even shared his face yet, which I would love to in the future. But I think right now I want to keep really protecting what we have. We're not sharing each other at all. Right now, we're in a very protective bubble, but we will share each other eventually. We decided, you know, we will we will go more public when it feels more comfortable and we feel ready. But right now we're like, let's just nurture this very precious budding flower that we have. And I'm being loved very well. And what I can tell y'all is remember when I said I'm not choosing no nonchalant, he is the most shallotinous ninja I ever met in my life. This ninja is so shallant, he's so shallant that I've had to be like, you don't even have to shallant the way you shall not. You can you can you can rest because I don't even need all of that. Like someone who's just so willing to spoil me in so many different ways. It's really nice, it's really, really nice, and I'm trying to let myself rest in it. I'm trying to let myself just rest in the goodness of it, but it's so different that it's like a little bit uncomfortable to be spoiled, like in some ways, you know. Anyway, that is the episode for today. I hope you got something out of this story. It's just a wild ride, but it's been such a good, beautiful, healing ride, and I just really look forward to what's next. Anyway, y'all, thank you for listening to my love story with Mr. Texas. I really look forward to sharing more of our budding love story. Anyway, child, please like, subscribe, share, do the most with this because I'm trying to grow. Let YouTube know that you are here and you want to hear more. If you're in Apple iTunes, please leave me a review. And per my usual, I just want to tell you if you're here, if you're listening, thank you so much for making it this far. I know you there's a lot to choose from on the internet, so thank you for choosing my voice. And I will see y'all in the next episode. Bye.
