Ep 37: Unlearning Purity Culture And Choosing Guilt-Free Pleasure! Please Use Your Cl1t0ris.

Your sexuality is not a community project—and it never needed a committee’s approval. We’re pulling back the curtain on how purity culture, patriarchy, and respectability politics train women, especially Black Gen X women, to carry shame like an heirloom. I share where I’ve judged and been judged, why celibacy and casual sex are both valid when they’re chosen freely, and how agency turns the volume down on everyone else’s projections.

We get practical and personal. I walk through the questions I ask before intimacy—am I safe, aligned, honest, and free to change my mind—and tell a story about a surprising, respectful one-night connection that felt calm, clean, and shame-free the morning after. From there, we dive into deprogramming: replacing endurance with consent, building aftercare to release guilt immediately, and dropping the imaginary audience of pastors, aunties, and internet pundits living rent-free in our heads. A woman with sexual agency is hard to control, and that’s exactly the point.

Midlife brings its own truths. Perimenopause shifts sensitivity and libido, but pleasure remains powerful: better sleep, lower stress, improved mood, pelvic health, and deeper embodiment. We talk HRT, lube, longer foreplay, sex therapy, and the basics of safety—barriers, testing, clear exits, location sharing, and listening when your spirit says no. Sexual freedom today might be a season of celibacy, a safe friends-with-benefits, or simply self-pleasure without apology. Your body is yours. Your yes is yours. Your no is yours. If this conversation gives you language or relief, share it with a sister who needs to hear she’s not too old, not too much, and not required to be chosen to deserve pleasure.

If this resonated, subscribe, leave a review on Apple or Spotify, share with a friend, and grab my book, Grace Axley: Memoirs of Life, Faith, Loss, and Black Womanhood. Then tell me: what belief about sex are you ready to retire?

Transcript

Sexuality Isn’t A Group Vote

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hey, so I want to tell you something that I wish someone had told me at 22. I mean hell at 42. And that is that our sexuality is not a community project. It should not be a group chat vote. It shouldn't be left up to the church. It shouldn't be a committee decision. Now I'm not saying don't have community. I'm not saying don't listen to good people in your life who love you. Saying it's not something that you should have to explain correctly so that you're not judged. And our sexuality is something that is judged so thoroughly. So today I really want to talk about it. I feel like I've been seeing a lot of judgment online. And some of it has been my own. I'll tell you about that in a minute. Because that's what really made me think, you know, sometimes you gotta look inward and be like, what am I doing? How am I contributing to it? And while I'm never one that's gonna hate on someone online, I'm not gonna comment, I'm not gonna be a keyword warrior. There's thoughts in my head. You know you'd be doing it too. But I've been seeing a lot of judgment about women's sexuality in general, especially black women in midlife. Okay, us Gen Xers out here. And a lot of it is about carrying shame and how hard it is to get rid of the shame because of how we were raised, particularly those of us who were raised in the church. And we know that purity culture was a defining part of a lot of us Gen Xers' lives, and that has really contributed to a very heavy mantle that I hate that we carry. And I feel like some of us are still trying to perform like the good woman caricature, if you will, for an audience that really benefits from us being silent about this shit. So that's that's why I'm here. Let's talk about it. Whether or not you choose to be celibate right now, whether or not you are just with one person, you're married, you're with one person, or you're married, you're poly, or you're women loving women, or you're binary loving binary, or binary loving, non-binary, whether you're hoeing out in these streets, city girl, or whether you're having sex once a week, once a month, or once a year, you do not deserve judgment. It is literally your business. And I also want to tell y'all about a recent sexual experience I had that was so liberating and good and surprising. It just reminded me like we really need to do what's best for us. We really do. But first, let me introduce myself. My name is Grace, and welcome back to the Out Here Trying to Survive podcast,

Naming Judgment And Patriarchy

SPEAKER_00 2:05

which is your trauma-informed, hope-oriented, warm hug, safe solidarity podcast for black women in middle-aged, just trying to survive all that life has for us. I am Grace Sandra, your host. And today's episode is really about women's sexuality, freedom, our choice, and unlearning shame. Welcome to episode 30. And a quick note before we go any further, I definitely want to talk about sex, purity culture, celibacy, casual sex, desire, sexual themes. This is some grown women-ish, and I'm gonna use grown women language. Nothing graphic, but it is real. So if there are little people in the room, this might be a good time to remove them or put this on pause. And as a survivor of sexual trauma, if talking about this kind of thing triggers very real triggers for you, feel free to pause, come back, or skip this one. I welcome you to take care of yourself first. Now let's get right into it. First of all, y'all, we need to stop calling other women hoes in a detrimental way. Now, sometimes I refer to myself as a hoe, and sometimes me and my best friend who one of my besties who's gay, we call each other hoes. But you know how black women do. I mean, black people in general, like we call each other sometimes names when there's trust among trust. I'm not meaning like that. I'm meaning we need to stop judging each other as women judging other women because we're actually just doing the work of the patriarchy. Women can be misogynists, and I'm just trying to challenge us to not be misogynistic. I just think it's helpful for us to remind ourselves that the patriarchy loves when we judge each other, loves when we call each other out each other's names, loves when we shame each other, loves when we compete, compete for men, compete for status, compete for biggest ass. Whatever. Right now, there is this weird, icky cultural trend where patriarchy society and very toxic men really want women to compete with each other between this weird caste system of wives and hoes. And sometimes men podcasters, they really do create this horrible dichotomy as if that's really a thing. It's not a thing. But anyway, sorry, I I I get a little trigger when I think about that because I really hate that dynamic. And then sometimes if a woman says she's celibate, some of these male podcasters and other toxic people, not naming any, will be like, oh, she's just bitter, she's traumatized. What happened to you? What happened to you, baby girl? Like it's wrong to be celibate and it ain't. That she's uptight, that she's lonely, that she's an old cat lady, you know, you know, you need to get you some. Now, here's the thing. Here's the thing. I'll be honest with y'all, and this is what I was talking about earlier. I said I was gonna be honest about how sometimes I can be a little judgmental. There is this weird influencer to Jesus pipeline. I don't even know why. I would be curious as to why, but they get a lot of attention, a lot of fame, a lot of money, and then they suddenly find Jesus and dec decide to become celibate. But one of the influencers that I follow, she was on a show that I love, a reality show I absolutely love and cannot get enough of, called Two Odds to Handle Season Five, where they're not allowed to touch each other, and if people touch each other, they gotta pay money. It's just a really interesting show. She went on that, and I think she later went on a perfect match. And I watched her on that one too, and I started following her because I just thought she was, you know, pretty and interesting, and I liked her on the shows, and then she started doing like curly hair tutorials, and so I started following her, and then I noticed along the way at some point she decided to take her faith more seriously and then become celibate. I was just like, Oh now again, I didn't like write her and be like, You should never be celibate, Christine, anything like that. Because let me explain where I'm coming from. I'm really coming from the deeply evangelical. I was raised, you know, if you even show the top part of your cleavage, you're a sinner, essentially. And purity culture was a big part of harming me and my sexuality as a kid, and went on to create unnecessary sexual trauma for me. It went on to create years and years of shame around sex and sexuality for decades. So I firmly believe that women should live in sexual freedom, and I do not believe that there is any biblical or spiritual or any precedent whatsoever that we need to abstain from sex outside of marriage for any reason that is, I guess I'll just say religious.

Celibacy, Choice, And Online Shaming

SPEAKER_00 6:15

Now, if there's other reasons, do you boo-boo. But I hate to see when women are suppressing themselves because they believe that that will make them better or more holy or less sinful in front of God or something like that. Now I really, really truly believe in a woman being able to live in her best, highest sexual expression, fully being who she is, exploring and doing whatever the hell she wants to do with her body, as long as it's consensual and with an age-appropriate person and enjoyable to her and centers her pleasure the way that men do. So I remember seeing one of her posts, her one of her first posts about it, and I was just like, Yeah, that's so disappointing. Another one bites the dust. But what really tipped me over was like six months later, she put up this crying TikTok. It was so sad, and it was just about how she gave in, she said that she gave into the sin of self-pleasure, and then she she was she said she was really tempted, she gave in to the sin of self-pleasure, and then like did that a couple times, and then that led to the sin of her having sex with someone, and then she was, you know, she was visibly upset. You could see the tears in her eyes. I think a tear fell. It did not seem fake at all. She seemed like she was really genuinely sad that she had had sex, um, and then she was like getting back on the horse. And and so I I wasn't, I guess I being judgmental is a strong word. I wasn't judgmental, I actually felt sad for her. I was like, damn, this is this is the exact thing that I hope that younger women will not get caught up in is this idea that there is something wrong with them and their sexuality. If you believe there is a God, I truly believe God made us to be sexual beings. He would not have given us a clitoris that has no other purpose other than to be pleasured. If he wanted it to sit there for six months, ten months, five months, a year, five years, ten years without being touched. Y'all be so far for real. Just think about that for a second. If you really believe that God created the human being, do you think he gave you a clitoris that has no other purpose on your body but to be pleasured? Do you think that he meant for you not to touch that yourself? I just I want you to really think about that for a second. A woman's body is not just meant to make children. I think we all know that, but I feel like sometimes it does need to be said out loud. A woman's boobs are not just meant to be expressors of milk, otherwise, these nipples would not have nerve endings. I think we know that these boobs were multi-purpose. Okay, these boobs are multi-purpose. But anyway, so I left a comment and it was very nice, it was very respectful. And I just said, listen, our our bodies are not even meant, like a woman's body is not even meant to go for long, long, long periods of time. I was like, please, please undo yourself from this idea that it's a sin to self-pleasure. There's a lot of proof now that when you don't use your clitoris, it shrinks, especially middle-aged women. If you don't use it, you lose it. Baby, you are not meant to ignore your clitoris. Please don't ignore it. I just left a comment and I just said, I hope you will, I hope you will reevaluate and really think about this because it's really sad to me to see you really upset about doing something as simple as self-pleasing and what you did is not a sin. I was just trying to release her from guilt and shame. And she didn't, she didn't respond. A few other people wrote me back and were like, You don't know what you're talking about, you've never read the Bible. As if I wasn't like a whole minister for 16 years and went to seminary and taught the Bible and preached in churches. Yes, I have, Boo. Yes, I have. And for the record, I do not believe there is a precedent. I do not believe there is any sort of biblical verse, verses, stories, anything that supports a woman not being able to do sexual pleasure. And beyond that, I don't even believe that the Bible says that it is a sin to have sex outside of marriage. I think there's a lot of passages that people have not translated correctly. But that's a whole other topic for another day. And then the final one is if a woman has the nerve to be sexually free and be out here in these streets living her best whole life, people are gonna call her fast and lose. And you know, hoes, city girls, she's for the streets. This is why she can't keep a man. What else do they say? I'm sure there's more. And really at the end of the day, why can't we just let women choose what's best for them? And that was why I felt somewhat convicted when I had that strong response about Christine. Again, it was more about sadness for her. If that's what she chooses, fine. But I just can't think of anything sadder than a woman being horny and trying to resist even self-pleasuring is an insane amount of torture that we do not need to put ourselves through. So it's not judgment, but I do want to let her choose. We need to let women choose. If another woman is allowed to live a different way that I think is right or wrong, then I have to admit that I've been living under rules for myself that I didn't choose, whether that's right or wrong. The bigger thing, the deeper issue is that as black women, we need to remember, especially Black American women, that our sexuality was chosen for us. That is our in our historical past, we still have trauma memories deep in ourselves that we carry from being consistently graped and consistently used just to create children that were part of chattel slavery and consistently medically experimented on. And just as women in general, we've been consistently assaulted and essayed in a million different ways by a lot of family members, frankly. And if we look at how we have historically been controlled and judged and stereotyped and punished for our sexuality, it feels like the way that we rebel against the patriarchy and all of that is to live as freely as we want and do exactly what the F we want to do with our body. That is the freedom. That's the big F you. Like, okay, this is my historical lineage, but now I'm gonna choose exactly what I want. So yeah, it's not just like mean girl energy. I think when we look at another woman's sexuality, it's bigger than that. It's like we're just being dumb. It's programming. Honestly, it's literally taking on what society has programmed us to do, and that is to attack another woman about something that's really none of our business. And I mean, we all know this, but whenever we attack another woman, it's it's just an outdated survival strategy. We we all know that. It's a survival strategy that we have not evaluated, re-evaluated, and I think we

Purity Culture’s Grip On Gen X

SPEAKER_00 12:20

do need to reevaluate and let women do what they want to do and be who they want to be. Because we are passing down shame like a damn heirloom. We passing it down like it's a damn heirloom, and we just don't need to. Women are just we are so wonderful, and I love us so much, and I just I want us to be free. I wouldn't say especially black women, I just want us to be truly, truly free. So let's talk a minute about purity culture and respectability politics. This is something, again, that is really kind of near and dear to me because I use the weird word, not near and dear, but um, it is deeply personal for me. I'll say that it's deeply personal because, like I said, I internalized this idea that my worth was in my virtue and that if I could remain sexless and desire sex as little as possible, then I was a good girl because good girls wait. And if you have sex, then you're used. I went to a PWI and it was Christian too. And I sat in those lectures, they called them chapel that we had like you know, for an hour every Thursday morning or something. They would like glue two pieces of paper together, and if you if you have sex with someone else, like you're both pieces of paper, and if you try to take the paper apart, neither of you is whole again. Put like the fear of God in us about sex, and it made us feel like our body was dangerous and desire was sinful, and desire was wrong, even though we're legitimately humans with estrogen and testosterone and progesterone and things that make us horny. I was also taught that men's urges were normal, very, very normal, but women's urges were shameful. If you could just find yourself a husband, then it was like a permission slip, and then you could just do whatever you wanted. Well, except for anal. For those of you who didn't grow up in beauty culture, please thank God. Please thank God. But for those of us that did, it wasn't about rules, it was identity. It wasn't just rules, which it was rules, but it was also this bigger thing of identity. And you could hang your identity on it. I'm a good woman because I don't have sex. I'm a good woman because I don't desire sex. And then life hits dating and breakups and thinking you were gonna be with one person and then you're not, and then you get married or somebody cheats on you, and then you leave, and then you're single, and then midlife happens, and children in there, and postpartum, and peramenopause, and suddenly those those rules don't fit anymore at all. But what you have left is just guilt and shame and confusion about this whole issue. For me, I was someone who was assaulted as a little kid after I got divorced the first time. I did still feel some guilt, even though I was like, I think I'm okay to be having sex outside of marriage. But there was still something in me so brainwashed that I thought I should get married sooner because that way it will at least release some of the guilt of having all of this sex. And I ended up in part rushing into this, wasn't this wasn't a big part of it, but it was a part of it. Rushing into a marriage with someone who ended up abusing me so horrifically and ended up being such a horrific man because I thought in some small part of my brain, at least God will be more happy with me because at least I'm not having sex outside of marriage. Like I'm ashamed to even say that out loud that that's true. That's how small-minded I was thinking. I would say that was probably 10%. If there were four reasons why I made the choice to get married again really quickly, that was not, it was probably number five or number six, but it was on the list. Okay, it was on the list, and it's not real world. And I'm really sad that that was on the list at all. And I'm really sad that respectability politics is still a big thing. But honestly, I feel like our biggest ops with this are black men. I feel like black men are the ones who really parade respectability politics around for black women. I don't think we are, I don't think we are each other's biggest problem. Honestly, I think it's not even black men, it's everybody. It's literally everybody. It's black men, it's it's white women, it's patriarchy, it's society, it's culture, and it's all basically shoving respect respectability politics down women's throat, but especially about our sexuality and telling us if we're, you know, if we're quiet enough or small enough or respectable enough or educated enough, then we'll be chosen. But then, you know, always the catch-22. Like you can't be broke, I'd have a good job, but oh, but don't let a black woman wake too much money, then she's too intimidating, etc. etc. And I mean, what I've realized is I can be celibate, be out here a ho in these streets, married, divorced, quiet, educated, polite. And I feel like people are still able to project onto me and others, we which we can clearly see. And so there was one point where I just about the sexuality issue in particular, just asked myself, if I cannot control what other people are going to project onto me or how they're going to see me, then why am I still living as if I can control it? Like, why am I not doing what I want to do and figuring out who I am and what I really value? Essentially living my best life without shame and without guilt and without fear of people's projections or just weird religious psychosis bullshit. Cause y'all, that shame is a leas, a leash. Shame is really a leash, and it will really have you out here in these streets just being unhappy, walking around holding our own leash as if someone else is holding on to it. And that's it's just weird. It's not freedom, it's not the life that I would want to have, and it's not the life that I want you to have. Your body is yours, celibacy is valid, and being a hoe out here in these streets is valid too, and everything in between. I think there are good reasons to pursue celibacy. In 2025, I pursued 90 days of celibacy. At first, I was gonna go six months, but them 90 days was so damn challenging. I wanted to do it for a few because I felt like I wanted to heal, I was feeling tired. Part of me that wasn't interested, at least I thought. If you feel like you're spiritual, if you feel like you're focusing on a major goal or you're focusing on a fitness goal, or you want to rearrange all that sexual energy into writing a book or into a fitness goal, like I said, or maybe you're asexual or you're just trying to protect your peace in a big, big way, or you just don't want to, just don't do it. Now, I tried for them 90 days, it was in part because I had just come off of a situation ship that had given me a lot of anxiety. This was like early 2025. I thought maybe 90 days of reset will really help me. But 60 days in, I was like, my body was like, girl, what are you doing? Because I haven't gone 90 days without sex for

Respectability Politics And Projection

SPEAKER_00 18:35

I don't even know how many years. I mean, it's it's been years. I don't even I literally don't even know when the last time I went 90 days. I'm not cut out to be going 90 days without sex. I'm just not. That's just me. But I do think that time actually was helpful. I think I ended up breaking it at like, I don't even know, it was like day 63, 64, maybe maybe 70. I don't even remember, but all I know is I did not make it. But I do think the time I did do pursuit that celibacy was helpful for me. I used to have a girlfriend, we're not friends anymore, but she decided to go a year without sex after she got out of an abusive marriage. And for her, it was her healing time. And then when she got out, she was a ho ho ho ho ho. She had more hoeing than Santa. Okay. So I loved to see how she did that year and then how she went crazy and was just living her best sexual life. I mean, her best. I saw the value in that when she did it, and I was like, I know I don't want to do a year, but I do think that it would be good for me to take a break and kind of see. I think what became clear for me, even that shorter amount of time, the 62 days or whatever I made, was that I really don't owe anybody access to my body. And I think that I not that I believed that before, but it just kind of crystallized. Like that time away from sex just crystallized some things for me. It also helped me to really realize like why I like doing it. And I realized, yeah, some of this is about connection and some of it is about pleasure, and some of it is about reclaiming myself and reclaim what's been lost, and some of it was about I'm single. I'm horny, I'm in a sexual peak, and I'm grown and I can do what I want. You know, it's kind of like a combination of all of those things besides pleasure. But sometimes pleasure is enough. You don't even need to explain more than that. People will really villainize you for that. Like, if you just come out and say, like, yeah, I really like this shit, they will find a way to villainize you. Like, I remember one time somebody saying to me, this was a long time ago, it was like over 10 years ago, but a woman said she said something like, We all know how much Grace likes sex. And I was just like, Now, at that time, I was not evolved in my thinking about this, and so I felt shame. I immediately felt shame. I didn't say anything to her because she said it in front of other people. I just like, you know, kind of like took it. But now I would be like, What the f does that mean? Which I would probably address it immediately. Like, and yes, I'm a human. I have nerve endings on my clitoris. Do you mind if I enjoy sex? Like, I would make the conversation real awkward now. Like, I wish somebody would say this shit to me. If you're out there and you just like sex and you just enjoy it or you're sexually peaking, or just you're just a human and you came out of purity culture and you're still trying to figure out how not to feel bad about it. I just want to remind you you're not low value or you're not less than, or your coochie hose not been ran through, or whatever like crazy stuff that people say when they find out a woman gasp like sex. So these are some questions that I have started to really marinate on when I'm thinking about when I want to or not have a sexual connection with a man because I'm unfortunately attracted to cishet men only. First, am I safe? Does my body feel safe? Does my mind feel safe? Does my nervous system feel calm around this man? I'm asking myself for alignment. Like in this moment, am I feeling aligned enough? Am I feeling is there any fear I'm feeling? Do those fears need to be addressed in myself in therapy or like with this man directly? Do I feel very free in this choice? Completely fully free to do what I need and completely free to be myself? And then also just am I being honest with myself about the whole experience and honest with myself during the experience and after the experience? Did I enjoy it? Did I get my needs met? Did I say what I needed to say? And I primarily said that because of my own being a sexual assault survivor in the past, I have let things happen to me that I didn't want to because I didn't feel like I had a voice. So as a grown woman, that's really important to me to know that I'm with someone who I feel comfortable enough that I could say whatever, whatever I need to. Yes, no, stop, etc., etc. etc. It's really that simple. It's about safety and alignment and intuition and freedom. Recently, I had a sexual experience that just was kind of surprising and really enjoyable, just something I wouldn't have been open to in the past. But now that I'm kind of more free with my sexuality and just more open to new experiences, I was like, okay, this can be really cool. So basically, I was out of town, and while I was there, a man came up to me at the pool and he was a lot younger than me, and I could tell even just how he approached me, he was like, I could see that he was looking at me. So at first I was just trying to get away from him because I was just like, I'm not dealing with this little boy today. And when I say little boy, I mean this man is like 6'5, 250 pounds, and in his 20s. Okay, so yes, a lot younger than me, but like still an actual adult, okay. But I could just look at his face and see he was in his 20s. So I was like trying to leave the pool and I could see he got up to follow me. So I was actually trying to go fast because I was like, he's not gonna talk to me. But anyway, but he came up behind me, he was like, Hey, excuse me. And so I turned around and he was like, I I like your earrings. And I was like, Oh, thank you. And he was like, and I also like your eyebrows. I was like, Thank you. And I could tell he was trying to figure out like just how to have a conversation. It actually made me chuckle because I thought he's nervous, and that's kind of cute. It was just a little cute. I was just so used to men of all varieties, like how they come to you is just all so different. Like, I do really appreciate that about men when they're genuine and just how they talk to you is so different. So, anyway, I just I thought it was cute. Oh, he was like, and I also like your eyebrows. So he was like, Would you like to have some drinks or something? And we were both staying in a hotel, and we had already established that we were both flying out in the morning. So I'm like, Yeah, we can go meet at the hotel bar and have some drinks because I knew that's a safe, neutral environment. I'm not going to his room, he's not coming to my room. And like, as soon as I got back to my room, like he gave me his number, and I was

Safety, Consent, And Self-Questions

SPEAKER_00 24:20

thinking about it, like, hmm, I wonder do I want to have sex with him? Like, immediately the thought crossed my mind, and you know, I could tell, like, as soon as we both said we're only gonna be here for one more night, I was like, it's probably on his mind as well. We met up for drinks, and then we ended up walking outside because there was like a McDonald's like diagonal from our hotel, and we both just wanted to get a smoothie from McDonald's and this. So we had kind of like a long walk outside, and the vibe was really respectful, and it was really nice, and he was funny and cute, and I was just feeling safe to whenever I'm meeting with a man in general, probably because I have complex PTSD and I'm pretty much on high alert anyway, but I was just trying to evaluate like, do I feel safe? Do I feel completely safe around him? And I did, and the chemistry was there, the vibe was there, and so we sat and talked for a long time. I think we met up at 8 p.m. or so and were still talking at 2 in the morning. So, yeah, six hours had gone by, and so then I was like, you can come to my room. I was kind of like, I'm open for at least making out at this point. Like, damn, it's been like six hours, you know. But I knew that I didn't feel pressured in any way by him. He was the consummate gentleman. I knew that I felt seen as a human. I think we as women know when we're in the presence of a man, even if he wants to have sex with us, I feel like we can tell. We just known this since we were like eight years old, if he sees us as a human or not. Whenever I'm around any man who I know definitely wants to have sex with me at some point, whether we are dating or we're about to date or we're friends or whatever, whenever I get that feeling, like I know that that thought is in their mind because again, we are socialized and we know this since we're little girls, or maybe I know it because I was sexualized as a little girl. But I also can tell when there's another layer of there's that desire, but there's also respect, or there's that desire, or you can tell, like, this is a skeezy man, and he's just dangerously horny. And I also know, like, whether or not I feel like I'm in control in a situation or not. And I felt like in this situation I was, and I felt safe enough to invite him into my room. So I did, and then I chose to. And we had a very fun night of consensual and intentional and protected, honest pleasure. And it wasn't pretending that it was more than it was, because we both knew we are both living in different states and we're never gonna see each other again, besides the ginormous age gap of more than 20 years. No promising, you know, not like nobody's bargaining, like, please see me. It's a human. You know, I would just never at this point in my life. When there's two adults who are consensually taking part, and then, you know, in that case, just returning normal lives. And I had said to him, like, we we don't need to text each other after this, like, it's all good. It's so nice meeting you. It's a little awkward at the end when he was leaving because I because he did ask if he could sleep in the room, and I was like, No, I would just feel comfortable with you and going back to your own room. Also, I don't want to risk being all cozy and booed up and then miss my flight in the morning because I had to get up at four in the morning to catch my flight. But afterwards, what I felt was great. I felt so wonderful and I felt really cared for in the morning in the Uber on the way to the airport, and while I was at the airport, I just kept thinking about various parts of it, and I was like, that was so much fun. I just kept thinking about like how great it was, how I felt no shame, no regret, no sadness. I just felt calm and present with my body and really happy that I made that choice, even proud of myself for making a choice for me and not letting the weird religious psychosis, purity sh culture bullshit that I grew up with, like influence a choice to do something that wasn't reckless or self-harm or me trying to be picked or chosen or being a pick Misha. It was just a choice I made from agency. And not just the sex necessarily, but the allowing myself to just have pleasure, guilt-free, shame-free, consensual pleasure. Agency is a big deal because you know, one thing that men have always had is they've had agency over their body and always had access to sex. And if they haven't had access, they've taken it. But one thing that they have tried to keep from women is for us having our own sexual agency, and if we do, there's punishment. And so the last thing I'm gonna do is

A Liberating One-Night Story

SPEAKER_00 28:20

punish myself for allowing myself to have sexual agency that I really enjoyed and really loved. Because the thing is, is a woman with sexual agency is very hard to control, and people in your life do not like that ish. Even though we said we weren't gonna text each other, we had each other's numbers, and then we both, at some point, he said, Hey, thank you so much. That was so great. I had such a great time. So I was like, Oh my god, I did too. I really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed meeting you. Like, we talked about how much we enjoyed meeting each other, and then we texted each other on Christmas and wished each other Merry Christmas, and he texted me on my birthday, and we've just had like a few interactions, and they've been so wholesome. It's just been so wholesome, and we're not like trying to talk to each other or keep in touch or anything like that, but it continued to be a good experience afterwards, you know. I'm not suggesting that we all go out there and have one night stands randomly, but when they do, when it does align like that, when the stars align, girl, just go do it, have some fun, please. So finally, the last part of this episode is how I really deprogrammed myself from purity culture and shame. It wasn't just purely intellectual, as you can surmise. You know, I didn't just read a quote like sex is a natural part of life and then be like, oh my gosh, the light bulk is went off. I am free. The purity culture shame, like a lot of other shame that is thrust on women, it's it's really it's stored in our gut, you know, in our stomach and our nervous system and our pelvis and the thoughts that we have afterwards and all the programming that we have been part of. And for me, deprogramming really looked like asking myself, what do I really believe? I actually did do some research about what the Bible says about sex and sexuality, but there are some people I know would be like, oh my god, you're sexually out there, so you're not a Christian anymore. Whatever. I don't care what the f other people think I am. But I did have to figure out what I was trained to fear, and I did have to figure out how to replace like the good girl symptom with the whole woman syndrome. I guess that's not syndrome, it's not the right word, but the good girl syndrome with the whole woman person that I actually am. Like, who what is the difference between these two and what should I take from this? And what do I just need to leave? Because probably 90% of what I taught was taught was a good girl I need to leave behind. Because often good girl is literally just a woman who's compliant. She's low needs and she's easy to manage and she just does what she's told. And who the fk wants to live with that? I'm damn near 50 years old. I'm gonna be 50 years old in a few months, y'all. Give a f about being a good girl. So I'm not trying to be easy to manage, I'm trying to be whole. I'm trying to be a whole, healthy, wholehearted woman. I also had to start practicing consent with myself, and that was pretty huge for me. We're taught, especially with sex, to practice endurance. Just take it, take that dick. You know how they be saying that sometimes take that dick. I mean, seriously. And I feel like a lot of my adult life, I did that. I was like, let me just figure out how to endure, even when it's hurting. I mean, uh, that's more again, that's more of a symptom of me being a survivor of sexual assault as a young kid and not having a voice and just literally learning how to take that dick. And now, again, like part of the agency aspect for me and deprogramming myself is asking myself, do I want this? Do I want it right now? Do I want it with this person? Would doing this make me feel better? Would it make me feel worse? Would doing this make me feel safer? Can I change my mind with this person? Do I feel safe enough to change my mind? Do I feel safe enough to change my mind mid-act? Because you you will really get to know who a man is if you decide halfway through that you're done, that you're something happening, you change your mind, you you will know who that man is. Another big one was dropping the imaginary audience of all of these little voices that lived in my head, of all these people over the years who have influenced me in this area. And I had to decide that I don't give a fuck no more what they think. A lot of my choices were very haunted by this imaginary crowd. You know, the aunties and the church ladies and the preachers and the pastors and the books, and you know, I read T.D. Jakes Women Thou Are Loosed when I was 19, and what would he think? You know, what would T.D. Jakes think about what I'm doing? You know, a lot of years went by where I was in that space where like this public courtroom of people who I barely even know. I mean, I've never even met T.D. Jakes had influence in my head. That's not cool. Y'all, the biggest thing that I did that really freed me was releasing myself from shame very intentionally. And, you know, in sex, you know what aftercare is, where you know, if a man goes to get goes to get a warm towel, you know, that's some nice aftercare. Can appreciate some good aftercare. I feel like the aftercare for ourselves is releasing shame immediately. Immediately. Whether it's committed sex or random, casual, our body is still processing all of this and having an emotional response. For me, for a long time, actually, yeah, for a really long time, anytime I had a new partner, my I would start crying immediately after. Like I said, I've had quite a bit of sexual trauma. My abuser was my father, and so the trauma was just, it was a very deep layer. I guess I'll just, I'll guess I'll just say that. It was seven years or so of abuse from him. Then I was graped when I was a teenager, and then later, again, when I was in my 30s. And so anytime after, basically after I was married, the first time I was married, I was married almost 15 years. But anytime after that, there was a long time where anytime I had a new partner, I actually told them beforehand, like at some point I might start crying really hard. And it was kind of involuntary, y'all. It wasn't like I was, yeah, it wasn't even like my feelings was hard and my body was hurting. It was just like my body involuntarily started bawling my eyes out. I realized I need to do some aftercare myself, but the big thing that I did for my aftercare was checking in with myself and telling myself, like, hey, you're safe. If I was, obviously. And most of these times I was. I felt safe enough to cry because I was safe. You made this choice, you don't have to feel shame about this choice. You're not bad, you're not a bad person, you're not a bad woman, etc. And I just released myself from guilt. Guilt, there's no place for it in healing, number one. We all learn that from Brene Brown. Guilt and shame just don't heal anything. If there's one thing we learn from Brene Brown, the woman done let us know that you don't need to feel guilty or shame. You're

Deprogramming Shame And Aftercare

SPEAKER_00 34:15

not gonna heal if you do if you keep holding on to this shit. But I think for those of us who are raised in purity culture, guilt was kind of like this badge of morality. Like, I had sex, but I feel guilty, so I'm still a good girl. I had sex, but I felt guilty, so I'm growing. I had sex and I feel guilty, so I'm programmed just like the little bot you want me to be. Once I stopped living like that and just let myself have guilt-free and shame-free sex, baby, it's been amazing. It's been amazing. Like, I think sex is so enjoyable and wonderful and so much better than it was in some cases when I was married. I think for me, releasing guilt and shame has been like unclenching a fist, these fists that were like this my whole life about sex, and it was finally just like, I accept I'm sexual, I enjoy it, my body likes it, so I do it when I want to. If you're in middle life, there are benefits to having regular sex that you should consider, whether you are single or partnered. But let me just state the obvious regular sex, whether you're self-pleasuring or partnered, we all know that it reduces health. I'm sorry, it reduces stress, that it helps with relaxation. We know that it helps some people sleep better, that touch is really important for human thriving. Sexual touch, sensual touch, it really does help you thrive mentally. We do know that it supports your mood through pleasure hormones. We know that it can help you feel more connected to your body and more in your body, which a lot of us who struggle with mental health issues like depression, anxiety, complex PTSD from all this damn trauma we've been through, that that helps us. We all know that having the confidence to get out there and fling your titties and bounce on a dick you don't know can really honestly help you with embodiment in general. And then it helps you also learn to communicate your needs and your boundaries when you might not be in a position where you've ever had to do that and you just need practice doing that. And then there's that very practical piece. Let me remind you, sex and arousal and orgasms help support, well, first your pelvic floor, which you know, as we age gets a little wobbly, let's just use that word. Also, circulation and it also, like I said, if you're not using your clitoris that shrinks and your labia lips are shrinking in peramenopause and menopause, if you use them more, the more blood fills them up and they don't shrink as fast and atrophy as much. So, girl, please go get you some, even if it's from yourself. Because yeah, I've been having a whole ass hard time out here with paramenopause. Like I said, I'm 49, I'm gonna be 50 this year. I'm in perimenopause. I'm in like the seventh year of peramenopause. I'm not struggling with dryness. I definitely am usually not dry, but my sensitivity is decreasing. I can tell that it just started decreasing like in the last six months. I can tell. My libido is just starting to slow down after like a full decade of being a hornball, just sex demon monster out here. My body image is changing, you know. There's I'm definitely experiencing fatigue and some of the normal regular schmegular symptoms like hot flashes and all that shit. But for the most part, getting on hormone replacement therapy has really helped me. But I've just had to remind myself like there's nothing wrong with me. None of this stuff, like wanting to have sex, being actually horny, and just desiring it. Like, not there's nothing wrong with that. Literally, nothing. So, anyway, y'all, you know, if you're having issues, don't be ashamed to get the tools, you know. Whatever it might be, whether it's lube or more foreplay, more communication, more talking, different partners, different kind of partners, medical support. I have a friend who has gone to sex therapy because of how her trauma impacted her. I talked about sex and writ dating and relationships this entire year in therapy. I went to therapy again to start talking about it because I really wanted to deal with some specific things. And girl, just make sure you get your sleep because tiredness is the number one libido killer. You are really allowed to have a full, very satisfying, pleasurable sexual life. And you don't need a husband to be a sexual being, you don't need a relationship to deserve pleasure. And pleasure is not a reward for being chosen, girl. It's just part of being alive, okay? But because I love y'all, I'm also gonna be practical. So please do not take unnecessary sexual risks. Uh, there was one point where I took one, it was not intentional. There was a guy who he was using a condom and he actually took it off, which is actually a crime. I didn't realize that till later, but he took it off and then ended up giving me something. Um, thankfully, it was something that was fixable with a few little pills for a week, but it was really unfortunate. So, yeah, just you know, barriers and condoms are our friends, get tested regularly and just normalize talking about it and testing and asking for tests. And if somebody gets offended about you asking for a test, that's just a big red flag for me. Like it's automatically a no. Automatically a no. Immediately, immediately a no. Please have your own transportation and exit plans. I keep my location services on on all my kids' phones and my I have my location services on for my one of my best friends locally, so I can tell anybody like, hey, here's where I'm at at all times. And girl, biggest of all, if your spirit says no at any point, please listen. So, yeah, to wrap this up, I just encourage you to really do some self-reflection about this whole issue if you felt discombobulated in any way about any of this. You know, I would just encourage you to ask yourself, like, what what messages did you inherit about sex from your parents or churches, friends or family that you have still that lead to feelings of shame or guilt. I think it's really important to explore that. And also asking yourself, like, what would sexual freedom look like for me in this season right now? I decided in 2025, like for basically the whole rest of the year, that I was going to decenter men and that I'm going to continue to decenter them, um, basically for the rest of my life, but that I was going to decenter relationships and marriage in particular. I gave myself until halfway through this year before I would even consider dating anyone in any sort of serious way or just dating at all, basically. But I still myself, sexual freedom for me looks like when I want to do it, I do. I have a pretty, I'll just say, reliable, safe, fun, friends with benefits situation that I can pivot to when I want to. I just decided sexual freedom for me looks like not excluding that. For me, that's still

Midlife Sex, Health, And Menopause

SPEAKER_00 40:00

Centering men is basically just saying that's all I want from y'all. So when I want that, I'm gonna get that. But other than that, and that situation is really, really safe and reciprocal and mutual. Like we've we have very similar rules and boundaries with each other, so it's very uncomplicated, very drama-free, and I absolutely love it. If this episode gave you language or it's something that you feel feel like another sister would benefit from, please share it. For us middle-aged women, it's just really helpful to know that we are not too old to be sexual or to be desired. Like that's just a lie of the patriarchy. We can enjoy sex right up until we're 102, okay? And we're not too old to change our mind about what we want. I mean, I just literally changed my mind about never wanting to get married again. Like, literally, in the last three months, I just decided that we're not too old to live shame-free, like fun sexual lives, and we're not too old to be whole and healthy. I believe that we are braver than we believe. Like Winnie the Pooh. If you enjoyed this episode, again, please like and share and subscribe. If you're on Apple, subscribe on Apple and please leave me some reviews on Apple, please, on Spotify or wherever you're at. I have a book called Grace Axley: Memoirs of Life, Faith, Loss, and Black Womanhood. Please pick this up on Amazon. If you like the kind of stories I tell, this book is full of those kind of stories. It's very memoir-ish. And please subscribe to my substack. I'm gonna start trying to write either once every other week or once a month. I started off this journey online as a writer and I have woefully abandoned it. And if you'd like to leave me any comments privately, you can email me at outhere trying to survive at gmail.com. Thank you so much if you stay till the end. I appreciate you. I know that you could be anywhere on these internets if you choose to be here with me. I appreciate you. I hope you go have some fun with yourself or with someone else tonight. Bye y'all.