Krystel Clear
In this podcast you will experience my unique approach to healing, happiness and following my souls purpose. My intention is to provide a platform that aims to guide and support individuals on their journey towards personal growth, inner healing, spiritual enlightenment or just taking the right steps to reach your highest potential!
My goal is to create a thought provoking, safe and nurturing space for listeners to explore various topics. Healing, self-discovery, mindfulness, wellness, empowerment, accountability, the raw truths of life, love and overcoming everyday obstacles.
I will have my tribe of healing coaches, doctors, colleagues and peers joining me to discuss their journeys in hopes of bringing enlightenment and empowerment to your world.
Life can be messy so let’s talk about that and the worthiness, forgiveness and compassion it takes to face our darkness and shine our light!
I hope this podcast validates your feelings, gives you the permission needed to share your voice, speak your truth and navigate your own journey with strength and perseverance.
**This podcast does not supplement any mental health or medical advice from practitioners. It’s a guiding tool providing resources from my own personal life experiences. The intention is to shed light and love onto the lives of others. You are not alone**
Krystel Clear
Transformative Journeys & Self-Acceptance with Nicole Cato
What if you could reshape your core belief systems to enhance your self-worth and overall happiness? Join us in this transformative episode ofKrystel Clear as we welcome my dear friend and first empowerment coaching client, Nicole Cato. Together, we recount our serendipitous meeting and the profound journey we've shared over the past seven years. From the power of having a trusted accountability partner to the unparalleled impact of journaling for self-awareness and healing, Nicole and I offer an intimate look into the relatable experiences that set empowerment coaching apart from traditional therapy. We also hint at exciting future collaborations that aim to inspire and benefit a wider audience.
Exploring the intricate layers of core belief systems, we discuss how deeply ingrained ideas about self-worth can shape our lives. Drawing insights from "Nonviolent Communication,", Dr. Shefali, and Dr. Joe Dispenza, we delve into the importance of self-awareness in reshaping these beliefs. Through conscious parenting, gratitude practices, and personal anecdotes, we highlight how focusing on the positive can transform your mindset and even your brain chemistry. The conversation also touches on balancing career aspirations with parenting responsibilities, offering valuable perspectives and practical strategies to set healthy boundaries and foster a supportive community.
From the complexities of motherhood and societal pressures to the lasting impact of generational trauma, Nicole and I share heartfelt stories and practical tips for navigating life's challenges. We discuss the journey toward self-acceptance, the influence of diet culture and social media, and the importance of clear communication in relationships. Whether it's writing out a "fuck you" letter followed by a gratitude letter or embracing the present moment to reduce stress, our candid conversation is packed with humor, insights, and actionable advice. Tune in to embrace your own healing journey and discover the profound empowerment that comes from self-compassion and authenticity.
Thank you for joining me today. Please know that this podcast and the information shared is not to replace or supplement any mental health or personal wellness modalities provided by practitioners. It’s simply me, sharing my personal experiences and I appreciate you respecting and honoring my story and my guests. If something touched your heart please feel free to like, share and subscribe. Have a beautiful day full of gratitude, compassion and unconditional love.
What's up everyone. Welcome to this episode of Crystal Clear. I have a very special guest today and we're going to really try to behave ourselves, but I doubt that's going to happen, nicole Cato. Welcome Nicole, thank you, I'm excited. So funny story about Nicole and I. It just really. It really explains a lot about our connection the way we met. So it was at a sports bar after a work event and our husbands were arm wrestling and we felt each other's energy from across the room Like oh shit.
Speaker 1:Okay, One of us one of us is going down, we're not sure, which has nothing to do with the arm wrestlers here. So we instantly connected and probably had a few drinks that night or more. Yeah, I figured you know we were either going to be trauma bonded drinking buddies or I mean, and look at us now we're like healing partners. I know it's been a journey. That was what, like seven years ago.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's crazy to believe. I know I'm thinking about this. I'm like I don't know if the world's ready for all of our conversations, so we'll just tiptoe into it today. Ready or not, here we come.
Speaker 1:Yes, I think it'll be fantastic, though I think the world needs more of this. I honestly literally envision Nicole coming on as like a co-host and us having other people on too, because we have these epic conversations all the time and they're worth sharing.
Speaker 2:I know it's like other people would benefit from this I really do in one way or another.
Speaker 1:It would either make them feel like, hey, I'm not so crazy, or I am. I am crazy and it's okay. Because they are too. There are others there, there are others, we're all here, yeah, but you can heal in that crazy too. And that's kind of what this chapter of our lives have been a little bit more cohesive because we've had some similar fun. Yes, opportunities for awareness.
Speaker 2:Yes, I like that Opportunities for awareness, opportunities for awareness.
Speaker 1:So I will let you share a little bit about yourself, whatever you want to share, and we'll go from there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think, you know, when we started talking more about our healing journeys, I realized we were starting to use a lot of the same tools and with the empowerment, coaching was huge for me of having accountability and being aware of where I was at in my healing journey. Because I think when you first start, whether it's through an empowerment coach or a friend that you trust, it's an outside resource to go. Here's what I hear you saying. It's like, because sometimes having somebody parrot it back to you is like oh, wow, that, yes, that does make more sense now, or I make. I can see that connection.
Speaker 2:But I think, too, having that the coaching was just like so empowering as far as, like you would ask me questions that I wasn't, you know, like prepared for or was like I didn't want to answer, or I knew the answer and didn't want to necessarily go there. But I think having someone that you can trust to talk about all the things that are going on internally is huge. And your journaling, I know, is big for both of us and I don't think I realized until now as an adult that journaling isn't something everybody you know like that I thought everybody did it but that it was pretty normal, but the more I talk about it is not so like people are afraid to jump into how I'm like what do you mean?
Speaker 1:I don't know how. I get that? I totally get that, because I remember there was a time when I was a kid I used to like write in my diary. And as an adult I would go back and read and I'm like none of that stuff was true, like I was totally just making up stories.
Speaker 1:It was creative writing, apparently, but it was interesting, I think. For me in childhood it was more of I was creating a reality for myself, that like creating stories of probably the relationship I did want with my parents or places I did want to go or things I did want to do. And then there was a time period where I didn't journal at all because it was where people were going to read what was really going on in my head. Yes, which is probably the time in your life you really need to write it down, right?
Speaker 2:Get it out, to get it out, but I didn't do that for a long time.
Speaker 1:So that is something that I do bring into empowerment coaching.
Speaker 1:So Nicole actually was my first like real empowerment client, coach, friend, and even though we're friends, she's like I want to invest in this myself, like I want to do this for myself. And now she has graduated and she's on her own. We're just friends, but that's the point of it for me, like my philosophy behind the coaching is I'm here, available to you, to help hold you accountable, to help provide you resources other than myself. Like I'm not a therapist, nor do I want to be a therapist, I like to share a lot of lived experience with people that I work with, because I feel like it makes it relatable.
Speaker 1:But in therapy world that's not really. You don't really do that, which is why I like the difference. It's more like life coaching and the accountability factor of okay, I'm walking into this situation. These are your tool reminders, these are your tools, these are the things we talked about. But for me I know I've had that in my own journey and it really, honestly, every time we talked or had something going on, it made me grow more as an individual. So it's just as empowering for the person doing it as it is for the person receiving it from my perspective anyway.
Speaker 2:Right. A lot of our conversations would take me back to like when was the first time I felt this way or the first time that I had this belief, because a lot of the coaching is like why do we have, why do I have, these belief systems, why am I feeling this way? And it was realizing that I have all these programs we all do, and that was a big part of my awakening I'll call it or whatever when I had like a huge health crisis and was going through relationship stuff and it was like everything I believe today was given to me and I just accepted it, made probably some tweaks here and there, but I did not come up with any of this. But I'm living off of this core program and some of them aren't working for me. You know, for me it was a lot of shame. I was on this path of shame and creating more reality because I truly believed I had shame. For me it came from. Religion had taught me to be shameful. Just at the core of its belief was like you came into this world and you're bad. Shameful. Just at the core of its belief was like you came into this world and you're bad. I don't know what I've done yet, but you're bad. And so I believed, I looked, I lived life through that lens of I'm bad and the expectation was never attainable. And at some point I just stopped trying to live up to that expectation and so the shame spiral continued and it showed up in different ways in my life. That was always kind of present. But when we would talk about it it was like but I'm creating this, like I don't have to own this anymore, I don't have to live this program anymore, like. So I when the journaling for me and I would write I have this belief, this limiting belief of shame. And then I would start to write like here's all these times I didn't experience shame, where I have been successful and I have felt worthy, and it was like rewriting my belief system. But I don't think for me I could have gotten there unless I wrote it out, because it's like here's proof, because a lot of times and for us we need to see proof of what we're talking about, which is how we built that belief in the first place we found all these circumstances that backed that up and we're like see, yes, you did feel shame, you did something shameful, you did something that's like. But then there's also all these other things where I did not, I was not shameful and I forgot. It's easy to look over those, but journaling in that way for me was and it's still, helpful. I still do it.
Speaker 2:When I have a feeling or an experience that I don't like, I go back to like what belief system do I have? That's creating this experience. And my husband always laughs at me. I'm like your beliefs create your reality. It's true, right, I'm like this is like real stuff here, so, and I feel like not to get too much into the religion piece of it, but I do feel like all religions teach you that in some capacity, that your beliefs, your faith, create your life.
Speaker 2:So it's, but you don't. I feel like most of the world is walking around unaware what their beliefs are. They have them and they could probably tell you some off the top of their head, but when you dig down into the life they've created, you're running off of core belief systems that you don't even realize you have, and a lot of them you probably want out of. So there's the way, and I do feel like there's so many resources and tools out there. Journaling works really well, you know, for me and you, but I feel like for people that are afraid to try it, just start with like a simple prompt of like what am I feeling?
Speaker 1:Right, or what are my needs? What are my needs, yeah. And I just read this awesome book called Nonviolent Communication. I think I sent you that one. It's so good and I'm pretty sure everyone at work is reading it now too. But it's really impactful because what that taught me is to observe myself in conversations. So say, you're having a conversation with your parents and you're starting to get anxious and it's like oh, it's coming so it really.
Speaker 1:It really sheds light on us and our opportunity to observe like what is alive inside of us is the way he puts it, like what is alive inside of you right now. Since I read it we've really kind of been laughing.
Speaker 2:You want to know.
Speaker 1:Four-year-olds like freaking out and I'm like what's alive inside of you right now. I read it.
Speaker 2:We've really kind of been laughing.
Speaker 1:You want to know Four year olds like freaking out and I'm like it's alive inside of you right now, brody. We kind of laugh about it, but it's true, because I mean not to put her biz out there, but I'm going to anyway, because it's a great example. It's the most recent example is my daughter's talking to her first male friend. Friend, and at first what was alive inside of me is like, oh shit, all the things, all the things are alive. All the alert. Have anyone seen?
Speaker 2:inside out. I think it's all the things all the people in my head are.
Speaker 1:But you know I've done so much work internally writing that 14 year old crystal letters. I mean I literally spent all summer pouring into Tatum and processing through my own 14 year old trauma before because I knew I had all the feels with her going to high school. But also I'm able to step back and observe she's handling this.
Speaker 2:She has way more tools in her toolbox, I mean her toolbox overfloweth.
Speaker 1:I had a pretty smile walking into my, like I, in a lot of crazy examples of what attention was, what affection was, what positive attention negative, and it just like it was dysfunction for me but it's not for her. So really summer I was able to go back to like digging deep in the journaling, digging deep in processing, writing 14-year-old crystal letters, like hey, you're doing awesome, like she. I don't think she knew how awesome she was and so in that she lost confidence and looked for love in all the wrong places and you know she was attention seeking but insecure, and not that I didn't have. I look back now and I had great teenage years. I look like I like to my mind's eye now it does Like I was just struggling through normal things.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:However, I got myself into a couple of situations. It was really hard, yeah. So going back, just like you were saying, going back into those journals, like what is this belief system for me? Not all teenagers are going to go buck wild and crazy. Right, that is a belief, that is something that we've, just society has like they don't have to. Right, if you're right, if we accept and honor Like I am, have to right if we accept and honor like I am.
Speaker 2:So, like now, until point I'm so excited, yeah, that she gets to experience this and like the whole talking and in a healthy way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's not that. Oh no, boys allowed, I'm not gonna, because what does that do?
Speaker 2:okay, we all been down that road that doesn't work okay.
Speaker 1:So for me, it's really allowed me to open the landscape, honor and accept this part of the journey, because it's part of all of our journeys. Right, these are beautiful, healthy and opportunities for her to experience healthy connections, like even some of the stuff she's shared with me. And you know about other friends making comments and she's like, well, you know what, that's their experience, it's not my experience. And I'm like, yes, I'm sitting and I don't want to be too overboard because I'm like, oh, yeah, you're right, that is I did.
Speaker 1:I told her. I was like I'm really proud of how you're navigating this. Yeah, because we don't. You know what is that? When you go to high school, it's like, oh, they're just going to go crazy. They're just, you know, disrespectful teenagers. They're just going to go crazy. We're going to either shelter them or we're just going to I don't know. I think our generation is really owning that type of parenthood more. I see gentle parenting. I don't know about gentle parenting.
Speaker 2:I think it's more conscious parenting, and I read Dr.
Speaker 1:Shefali's conscious parent book and I really think that that's the route that I'm trying to take. It's just understanding. They have needs, they have wants, they have opportunity for growth here and if we can allow them to have these relationships while they're in our homes and under our roofs, then we can create a healthy balance with that.
Speaker 1:But I will say I was only able to get to that point even this weekend by writing it down and processing like where did this come from for me? Am I projecting my own experiences into this chapter? That's not fair to me, it's not fair to her, it's not fair to anyone else in the picture, and I couldn't have done that unless I went back to just like you were saying what is this core belief?
Speaker 2:Right, and I think too we want to save them from the pain we went through, so it's like. But we also have to realize she's not me, my child's not me, and we do know better and have done it. As much as we're hard on ourselves, we forget to give ourselves credit that we have All the time.
Speaker 1:All the time, and that, I think, has been something too, like the gratitude practice that we've really talked about and, like you said earlier, not just talking about things you're nervous about or your failures or your worries, because that keeps us stuck there, right, and that's one of the things with.
Speaker 1:I actually read this other book that's really great, called the Awakened Brain, and she talks about how she went to do this residency in this psych hospital in New York and how each doctor, like the patients, would see different doctors all the time and each one would ask them what happened to you. And it's like, okay, well, if we're just continuing to ask them what happened to them, we're keeping them stuck in that picture. So if we keep thinking about and that's what depression is essentially it's going over those old patterns so much that we're not allowing ourselves to stay open to. But look at me now, like it may have happened to me, but I'm surviving and I have the opportunity for a new adventure or a new like chance, and it's almost like giving yourself a second chance. But I think in some ways we're kind of conditioned to feel like it's selfish, yes, or self-gloating, and, mind you, there is an ego out there that can be a strong force.
Speaker 1:However, it's a difference in expressing self-gratitude and appreciation for how far you've come, or the person that you are, or the values that you carry, or the way that you parent, the way that your relationships. That's okay.
Speaker 2:Right, I think too, like what you're saying is out of survival, we have learned to focus on the bad because it's like this has happened. So how can I keep looking? I need to keep looking for this so I make sure it doesn't happen again, right, but really what we just do is recreate that because we're so focused and journaling specifically on gratitude, I think pulls it, forces you to pull this out of your brain and go. But look at all these good things that have happened and can continuing to happen, even at a time, specifically, when I've looked back at really low points in my life, journaling the good that was happening, because I did not appreciate any good happening at those times. It's like, okay, so even if the worst happens again, there was still a lot of good that was happening in some of your previous worst situations and there will be in the future.
Speaker 2:But I think having that gratitude changes your body composition to go. There is so much that I have going right for me, and if I can condition my mind to think more about these things than the bad, more good things will happen. Even Savannah, my six-year-old, will say your words are very powerful, and so apparently I've said that enough to her that she reminds me when I'm in the midst of complaining about something. Mom, your words are very powerful.
Speaker 1:Just wait, just wait. You got a long road with that, that's perfect.
Speaker 2:We need those reminders.
Speaker 1:Yes, Because sometimes we can't see ourselves Right and our words are very powerful and I mean, let's just be real. The words that come out of our mouth are nothing compared to the shit that goes on in our head, right?
Speaker 2:Yes. And I don't care who you are.
Speaker 1:You can go ahead and admit that to yourself Step one of empowerment is realizing the things that go on your head, and it's okay, because what is it? It's past beliefs, it's societal pressures, it's external stuff. It's just thoughts. Right, it's just thoughts, and the great thing is we have control over that. We have control and, honestly, what you were saying about gratitude, it does. It changes your body on a cellular level.
Speaker 2:It changes the chemistry in your brain. There's studies that have been done. Dr Joe Dispenza if you look at any of his work he has his book Becoming Supernatural. There's a whole 20 pages in there of studies they have done with like machines and hooked up to people's brains and their bodies and their bodies literally changing on the inside, their dna is changing while they're having these thoughts of gratitude and I'm I you just can't deny when it comes down to that. So it's like and these people are doing it, they're capturing like a 30 minute window. So just imagine if you did this every day for consistently and strung so many days along, like you would start to really change your life.
Speaker 1:A hundred percent. I mean, I changed my brain, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Me too. I am not the same person.
Speaker 1:No, I was two, three years ago or a year ago.
Speaker 2:I mean, but I think it's that intentional. What am I doing to change Right? Because if you rely on, you hear people say, this is just what always happens, or this is just my luck, and it's like because you've chosen that this is your and that's what you're manifesting that energy for Right? So, and it's kind of like I know we talk a lot about the victim mentality, like I just like it bothers me, and but that's also because I think I have played my own role in being a victim at times, and so it's like, ok, I don't ever want to go back to that.
Speaker 2:But when you realize I have control over my thoughts, like there's no one that can tell me what to think, and that's 100 percent me. So I can, I can rewire my brain Essentially it's. It sounds easy, but it is work, and I think that's why you have to find what works for you and whether that be meditating or reading a book or listening to a podcast, for us journaling is huge because it just literally brings to life things. Or let go of things, because for me, a lot of changing who I was wasn't doing something, but letting go of something. And that's hard because we're doers, we're like constant, like efficiency machines.
Speaker 2:And so, if I don't, have proof of what I'm doing. It's hard to continue it, but when it comes to your mind and energy, the only proof is your life. Like is your life changing? Are things, your circumstances changing? And journaling it out for me, and I burn a lot of them. Oh yeah, oh yeah, I don't ever want anyone to find and if anything ever happens to me, crystal has to come, get all my journals and take them, promise.
Speaker 1:Promise, promise. There's a certain safe. You have the key. I actually posted that before I went paragliding in Switzerland.
Speaker 2:I'm like, okay, Kelsey knows where they are, and Marie, you're in charge of burning them.
Speaker 1:I will definitely be that person for you. I did this whole retreat journey with my girlfriend, um Lauren, another friend, jen Smith. She's amazing, she's a great retreat host and we did some journaling and I remember watching it burn and I was like it's gone and I really wanted to be like one of those memes, you see, where the girl's like dancing around the fire, like I felt so free. I mean, call me a witch but that was so freeing.
Speaker 1:It was amazing to just I could feel it, releasing for my body and I've done that with some of the retreats. Since the retreats that I host, we do some journal burning and you know part of the gratitude, which I think is fantastic and I love and it's really important. We've also done some um, some fuck you letters, yes, um, which is really impactful.
Speaker 2:I mean, I've done them to myself, I've done them to my spouse, which is really impactful.
Speaker 1:Yes, I mean, I've done them to myself. I've done them to my spouse, I've done them to my family, I've done them to my spirit guides, I've done them to you know. Seriously, though, but I always follow up with a gratitude letter, yeah, because getting to the root of the pain or the remorse or what the needs that weren't met, is really what it was Like there were needs that weren't met in some phase of my life, which caused something to come alive inside of me right.
Speaker 1:Where there'd be anger or sadness or pain or anxiety, whatever. So you're able to really release that because you get it out of your brain, you process it. So the power of writing it down or even talking about it and I think that you know, for us building a sense of community has been huge too, because we know we can talk to each other Right, or we know we have certain people we can chat with in our lives and there's certain people that we can't really chat with everything about, and honestly, I think those walls are breaking down even more. And here we are, the gate is open, because that's being authentic, it's like being able to be yourself and talk about all the things and knowing that if it makes someone else uncomfortable, that's their stuff.
Speaker 1:That's their stuff.
Speaker 2:Right, that's been huge for me too, and you know I've had a lot of health stuff with my throat, so my throat chakra has been vibing for, or not vibing for a long time and we're yeah, it's been in purgatory. So we're letting that thing out and it's. I think it's just my own story that, like, people don't want to hear this, they don't want you to say this. This is not what the Christian girl would say and this doesn't fit our narrative. So you be small, so we stay comfortable and I don't want to live like that anymore and you're not. I'm like I'm not doing anything bad and that's the story I've told myself.
Speaker 2:No one specifically said you're being bad by sharing your story. You assume people think you're being bad by sharing your story You've told. You assume people think you're being bad by telling your story but, like you said, who's going to hear it and go? That's a relief to hear someone with a similar background or that knows me or what I've been through is acting up. Oh there she goes. Oh there it goes. It's like stop talking. No, that that someone could relate to it and it would also empower them to find your authentic is going to look different than my authentic, so don't feel like it has to look like mine for it to be right. You know that's the whole point of this podcast. Right, it's to find your yeah, yeah is it's like if one person finds something valuable in one of the conversations that I release.
Speaker 2:That is why I'm doing this, not doing it for the likes subs.
Speaker 1:That's why I'm not doing a YouTube channel. I feel like this is one point in my life where I want to be heard and not seen. And for me, I think, when I start to visualize things or I'm a visual person, I get distracted and I don't hear the message because I'm looking at oh look, oh wow. Look at her eye makeup. Looks really pretty today.
Speaker 2:I'm like that's me. I'm like oh, I really like her outfit, and then I'm not hearing anything that's going on.
Speaker 1:So that's what's been impactful and that when, when I took the six-week break this summer yeah, I missed it, like I realized how much getting on and connecting with people and talking about things, and even when even cream, who does filming, he's like you know, you're different when you come in by yourself. He's like you just kind of sit in and it's like your verbal journal and it really is because it allows me that next level.
Speaker 2:Oh, totally.
Speaker 1:To process Right, which has been huge. So I'm like, okay, well, that's coming back into my. Actually it took a break and I'm bringing everything back. I'm not, I'm not fooling. I declined a couple events, but I'm bringing everything back. But it just really assures me that I'm in the alignment and in the place that I'm supposed to be right now. And is it going to last forever? Probably not. No, nothing lasts forever, but it's in this season, like. This is the season, and it feels good to surround myself with people like yourself who are wanting this for themselves.
Speaker 2:Yes, and not everyone does.
Speaker 1:Right, and that's okay. Like I saw something the other day that's like not everyone is here to evolve and grow and we need to accept that and I'm like that's impactful it is Because it's like that surrendering of you know, going back to being productive and efficient.
Speaker 2:It's like I want to help, I want to serve, I want to help and it's. But some people don't want that, nor are they ready for that. And you know some of the stuff from religion I still hold on very dear to my heart, and there's a scripture that says don't throw your pearls amongst swine, and what it just means is not everybody wants to hear what you have to say all the time, right. But I know whoever's meant to hear it will find it at the right time, right. But I'm not going to go around telling random people that I think they should start journaling because they've clearly got some shit going on.
Speaker 2:Although I may think it Right, maybe I'll journal about it. Right, this is what I think would really help this person. But I also think but it goes back to like why is that person making me feel alive inside? And a lot of times it's because I look back at my past and I'm frustrated with a past version of myself when I was not open to evolving or thought I had evolved Right, which is a joke to think about, like who might think about this chapter right now?
Speaker 1:Who?
Speaker 2:knows. But I, you know, at some points in my life I not that I thought I had it all together, but I was like this is as good as it's going to get, and I wish I could go back to that version, those versions of myself, and say it gets so much better. I promise you it does. Just hang in there.
Speaker 1:But you, I feel like for me, I have to keep focused on evolving, whatever that looks like Right and a big part in this season of my life is surrendering and that's so hard and I have all these so kindly it's so hard because I just want to do.
Speaker 2:you know, like, just tell me what to do and I'll do it. I've been like that my whole life, whether it be with sports or work or anything like. I'm just like let me satisfy a role and then I can receive whatever I'm earned. I have now earned and it's like you know, like you work for I mean, that's a belief that I have, that I'm also working through is that you have to work hard for anything that's worth having. You have to work hard, and I'm okay with working hard. But I think that's the path, the only path, to what I want in life. And it's not. And so I'm learning.
Speaker 2:It's good to have all these visions and all these things, but it doesn't have to happen like yesterday, like let it unfold in its time, and journaling going back to that has helped. Like, okay, well, one day, when all these things happen, what will that look like and what will that feel like? And it's like I get to feel a little bit of that now and that's enough for me to go. Okay, I trust that I've had this vision and these feelings long enough that it's going to happen. But I just need to like follow my path and right now, that's surrendering to this season of life and that's being a mom and a wife and you stay-at-home mom, so that's like a big piece of of me.
Speaker 2:And that's hard too, because, yeah, and I have a boutique and this looks like I'm juggling all these balls and sometimes I just have to like slow down and think just take it day by day. And that's hard sometimes. But when you have people in your life that can relate and say, yes, surrender is good. And it goes back to knowing who in your circle you can talk to about these things, because I know there are certain people and I don't mean I mean this in the most loving way that I don't share everything because I don't like where it takes me, or they're at a place where the conversation isn't going to build me up or us.
Speaker 2:Either of us, we just kind of get in the pit of things Right and it's like that's, I know that, and I know that that can change at any point too, and that's healthy boundaries for you too, right.
Speaker 2:For me too, yeah, cause I'm like I know I will get down in the weeds with this and then we'll both get off the phone and be like what I mean? Like now I feel terrible, worse about all of it, right, like we didn't solve anything. And not that everything is solvable, right, but sometimes it's just knowing, like when we talk about things, like you're valid in what you feel and I know that you're working on this, or you know like, or you will remind me, remember when we did write those a few letters, like maybe this is a time for one of those or a gratitude letter, yeah, or a gratitude letter so or a long walk or a workout, or we're very similar in the way that we do process and and run through life and I love that you pointed that out, because I was very much raised and, uh, if you don't work hard, forget it.
Speaker 1:You don't work hard, you don't like it. It's like I had this. I don't know, I'm sure it's generation, it goes back generations, because there's part of me and I saw something the other day and it really it brought something alive inside of me because it was like, as moms, what does it make sense? Why are we working to pay someone else to raise our children?
Speaker 2:I saw that. Yeah, I've seen that too.
Speaker 1:OK, that for me was like, but I'm not.
Speaker 2:What did that bring to?
Speaker 1:life. What it brought alive in me was oh my God, I'm abandoning my children, I'm just having someone else keep them, and I had to really take a step back and it's like listen. Okay, when Tatum was little, you worked because you had to.
Speaker 2:Right Like that was survival. There was no other option. Yeah.
Speaker 1:But you also had a very flexible schedule. You got to take her with you most of the time you did all the room mom things.
Speaker 1:I've always been a very intentional mom, because I didn't really have that growing up from my mom. I had it from my nana. And then, you know, when, um, the kids were, we blended families and the kids were all in grade school, I did class mom. I was class mom for a couple of them, you know, at a time, and I did all the things. I still traveled with Matt when he would travel back then Cause he was traveling more, but that was when they were at their other parents' house. So I had a balance with it. But I think deep down inside of me I always had this trigger for lack of a better word of I'm an absent mom or I'm not there for my kids, and I was like well, what else are you going to do?
Speaker 1:You can't go to school with them and it is healthy for them to see their other parents. It is yes, you got a divorce and you now have a blended family. But there's many families like that and that's okay. It's part of their journey and part of their experience and I feel like they've. You know, we've all had our ups and downs and all arounds, but they've been able to witness this healing journey between you know, all of us you know, there are other sets of parents and us and how we've navigated this and I feel like we've all done all right.
Speaker 2:I think they're all great kids so far. I don't know if they might all tell you differently, but I feel like we've done a great job navigating that.
Speaker 1:But deep down for me, when I saw that the other day because you know, now I do have a little bit more flexibility in what I could do with my career path or my life, and I am choosing to work, or my life, and I am choosing to work- and, but I'm also choosing to do work that fuels my soul right, and I think that that is the best version of you for your kids and I'm showing them, like the work that I'm doing is giving by its community outreach.
Speaker 1:It's it's helping other people. So I'm still able to use my like I don't. I don't like the term servant heart because I think it just sounds weird, but I really do have an intrinsic motivation to help people to, to share myself and my gifts and my humor and whatever it is to help people thrive and my resources to help families, you know, get off to and have the resources they need to succeed, whether that be academically, with scholarships or resources in the community or childcare or clothing or whatever it is. But I've always been that way. But I also think I was raised in a household where my Nana very much had that mentality and even my mom has that mentality.
Speaker 1:And that's what mentality, and even my mom has that mentality and that's what? Yeah, she just has that more of the give back, give back. So that's where it was my grandfather, I think I got the work hard Like you got to work for it, you got to sweat it out, you got to like and I think that comes from a fear they had that if I don't instill this in them, I will fail them or you will survive, right Cause I came from very humble beginnings.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that's true, and it's like, okay, well, that's their stuff, it's not my stuff right I'm still trying to, I'm still, I'm still wearing really hard.
Speaker 2:And so I know and I think going to that, the meme that you saw. I think it's so easy, because I see memes like that too, and they're so blanketed right, and we immediately apply it to ourselves it.
Speaker 1:It's like oh well, the shame spiral comes over Like it's someone made like a whole canva about him.
Speaker 2:It's got to be perfect, it's got to be official, it's like it's on social media.
Speaker 2:But it's like that's just someone's opinion about you know like, and it just looks different for all of us. Whatever motherhood looks like, you know like. I was different with Savannah than I am with Tiffany and I just trust that this is our path. This was how I was with her, is how I was meant to be at that time in her life, and that there's something that's causing me to be with Tiffany more. I don't know what it is, but I. It's an undeniable feeling that I have and at some point I know I'm going to kick her out of the nest a little bit more. But it's just different. I feel like it's just different all the time. But you know, I think it is. We do compare ourselves when we see stuff like that on social media and like well, am I living up to this standard of like? But that's somebody else's stuff that they felt the need to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and going back to that, I think it's important for us to know our purpose, and that's how I kind of reeled myself back in for it Just like you said with Tiffany, like you are spending more time here. Well, when Savannah was little, you had a different purpose, like you wanted to still work in the workplace and you still work corporately.
Speaker 2:But you had a great balance right, I felt like I was doing the right thing. Right, I did. I felt I mean I knew when it was time for me to go back to work. It was almost like I woke up one day and was like I need to go to work, I need to like my mental capacity right now needs me to be at work. And Savannah thrived in daycare and still like is in dance with like a couple of girls from daycare now. So I'm like it all kind of comes back full circle of like starting to see like this really did work for us during all of that and so I didn't ruin her.
Speaker 1:I think moms know the souls that their children have and what they need. I agree Because, same with Tatum, she was very sweet, she could go anywhere, do anything, she got along with everyone. She had like a nanny, and her dad and I would rotate schedules until she was about two and then she went to daycare and she loved it. She's social.
Speaker 2:Right, it says Savannah too yeah.
Speaker 1:And then she went to school and I think part of me looks back and it's the whole shame Like, oh, I should have done this, I could have done it's like.
Speaker 2:why am I doing that to myself? Why Like?
Speaker 1:and I am, I know better. It's like what is again? What does that bring inside?
Speaker 2:of you.
Speaker 1:What it brings alive inside of me is she's you know, yeah, but it also encourages me to just be present in all the moments, just like I was then. Yeah, it's like I could look back and be like, wow, I worked so much when she was little, but you also did a lot of fun, cool things with just you and her and you all. So it's what we choose to focus on, like you said earlier it's like what are we choosing to focus on?
Speaker 1:And with Brody, same thing. I know he's my last baby Right and it goes by so fast and he's just getting he's really big Like. So I'm trying to soak it all in because I know it's my last Right. I get that. And it's letting go of the attachment and appreciating the moments all in one Right. And that's one thing.
Speaker 1:And my journey I've really had to learn to let go of is the attachment of things, the attachment to the idea that Tatum's going to be a little girl forever. She's not. She's a beautiful young lady and she's thriving. So by letting go of the attachment and not expecting her to be this little girl that likes Disney princesses and wants to go to Disney world all the time, and accepting that she's just in a really social phase and she's hanging with her friends and she's, I've been able to really release those attachments. But journaling has really helped me with that. Um, coaching has really helped me with that. Like talking through it with you, talking through it with Kathy, my life coach, talking through it with because people understand like we all have attachments to things, right?
Speaker 2:It's like when we focus on the expectation we wish we had had, we miss out on what we could enjoy. That is actually happening. We miss out on what is the good that is happening because we're so focused on what didn't or what we thought throat chakra. What we thought should be happening and that's been big for me too. That I've realized through journaling is the expectations I have on myself and on others, because that's where a lot of my pain has come from. It's like did this person really fail you or did they fail your expectations? Because they also have their own stuff going on and like they, most of the time, I have realized whoever it is that I feel like has hurt me has no idea because they there was no intention to hurt me. They were doing the best they could with what they had. And I have talking to Hallie. Actually, this makes me think that she said something to me like you're not. No one's ever going to miss what's meant for you, right?
Speaker 1:you can't.
Speaker 2:And for me that's hard because I'm like, well and you know, because that goes back to like, did I do something right or wrong? And it's like but you're looking through life as the in a lens of right or wrong and there's, there really isn't it's just what is.
Speaker 1:Matt said that to someone the other night I don't know, I guess dinner and I thought the guy was like looked at me and I had like eight heads. He's like I try to practice non-belief and that there's really no right or wrong, it just is and it was silent for a minute, because our human condition is like oh no, but there is actually and people can so easily go.
Speaker 2:But look at all this bad, look at all this bad. I hear you, but if you just take your world, you know like turn the news off, please, yes, and just look at your small world. There really isn't Like there, just is what is, and you're assigning meaning to things in your life. But I could live your life and assign a totally different meaning to what's happening and live a totally different life with your same circumstances. Right, because I believe it differently than what you're perceiving them as and when you think of it. That way, sometimes I will journal. This is probably crazy, but I will journal as if I'm somebody else writing about my life, because it helps me change my perspective on what's happening, which may be a little you know I, I like it.
Speaker 1:Who do you pretend to be?
Speaker 2:I'm curious now. Her name's Brianna. Brianna likes to remind me that there are a lot of good things in life. So I had this revelation over a year ago when I would run. I started having these visions of all these versions of me, and a lot of them are. I don't like it. So I start out on this marathon and there's these versions of me not good versions of Nicole but then they get better as I keep running and they're all cheering me on. Even the worst versions of me are like please, don't stop, please. And I get to the end and there's I've called her Brianna.
Speaker 2:She's like my higher self right and she's like you will get here if you just stay focused on the good. So I will sometimes write as her, which is a non-objective you know, like it's just just like not taking things personally, like she's living in heaven, like we're all good, we all, we make it in the end, like you're gonna be just fine. But you're so focused on this small little thing that you're creating more of this feeling because you're so focused on it. But if you would just like pull your head out of your ass, really is what you're saying and look at all that is good and is to come.
Speaker 2:Because, thinking like two years ago, if I knew all the good that was coming into my life, I would have been like, oh well, I'm not going to stress anymore. We all would right.
Speaker 1:Like I would have been like, oh well, I'm not going to stress anymore Like we all would right, like if we all knew, like, oh well, that's not so bad, right, kids went to the fair and they all survived, wouldn't even stress.
Speaker 1:But you know what, like anything like that, it's true. I mean, that's kind of when I was in Switzerland and I was paragliding and I was so far away from everything and just gliding through the sky, it kind of gave me that same perspective is just take a step back, yes, yes, if you take yourself out of it, if you're feeling a life come into things are coming alive inside of you take a step back and it's like big picture.
Speaker 1:What does this look like? What does this look like in 10 minutes? Much less. Five years, 10 years, 20 years.
Speaker 2:If I knew everything was going to work out for me, would I be worried right now?
Speaker 1:No, none of us would it does like a spoiler alert.
Speaker 2:It does all work out. No it does the way it's supposed to, the way it's yeah.
Speaker 2:Whatever's supposed to happen is going to happen, and that's what comes back. Surrender, it's just like just stop. And so I'm listening to Dr Joe Dispenza. He does this trick, I think it's him. But when you're stressed and you can't seem to pull your head out of a situation, pretend that your eyes are disconnected from your brain and immediately you are just observing, you're not thinking. So like, take this practice and just like close your eyes and then say, okay, I'm just going to look through my eyes, as if my brain's disconnected from my eyes. But it allows you to just like. If I was, if I would just plopped down here in this body as a nobody, I wouldn't have any opinions on my life.
Speaker 1:Right, I would just be here, you would just be here, experiencing, and that's the power of being present as you are here. Yes, but I think but if that happened today, we wouldn't have all this stuff to talk about, right? Yes, but I think that's what we and I know I really always strive for is being in the now does it always happen no, but I try my hardest to be present in my moments and that's something I realize I struggle with still because life is picking back up.
Speaker 1:Right, and I do. I'm sure when I open my email, there's plenty of them I need to reply to, or there's plenty of people I need to call, or appointments I need to make or things I need to arrange, but you don't always have to do it in this moment. Yes, we have life duties and responsibilities and I think that that's something I've had people ask me like well, if we were all in our now, we would never get anything done, would we? And I'm like yes, but you could do it with grace. You can still prioritize and plan, but you don't have to be in those moments Like you can say oh, I'm going to make the doctor's appointment for so-and-so.
Speaker 1:And then you move on from it.
Speaker 2:You don't have to say, oh, and I should pick this up and I need to do this and what outfit am I going to wear?
Speaker 1:And you know, are we going to get lunch before? Are we going to get lunch Like? Those are the things that our brains do by default, like we're in default mode. We're all planners, I feel like, because it's survival right, and that's exactly what I mean.
Speaker 2:My brain scan showed me like we were going back to our conversation earlier.
Speaker 1:I literally changed my brain because I wasn't going in the past and wasn't going in the future all the time. And that is what PTSD is it is being in both being in both all the time. It's that I well, mine was complex. It was like constantly survival mode, Like okay, if this happens, then because that happened before, this might happen again and I was constantly planning my survival and planning my life and unknowingly, Right.
Speaker 2:Like unknowingly, and I felt happy, I felt fine, right yeah.
Speaker 1:But realizing how much stress it caused to my nervous system was just always on high, right On fire, right and yes. And so by decluttering a lot of my life in many ways and taking out some stuff like alcohol and caffeine for a while and just allowing my system to settle, I was able to get back to it.
Speaker 1:And now I'm like, wow, I realize with my life, because I am choosing to do a lot of this, I am choosing to it. And now I'm like, wow, I realized with my life, because I am choosing to do a lot of this, I am choosing to work, I am choosing to podcast and do coaching and, to be honest, when I took the break over the summer, I took a break from coach. I took a break from all of that, as you know, and I needed it. And so I'm not out there like, oh, I need 20 clients, I'm going to have a wait list. No, no, no, no. If people want to do stuff like this, it will come, it will come. I just feel like it's, it's part of the journey right it will.
Speaker 1:Opportunities will come here and there, Like I was. You know, a friend asked me to be on the cover of the Sarasota magazine in July. Sure, why not? I didn't seek it, it just came. And then, oh well, do you want to do the swimming on the scene article? Sure, that sounds like fun, but it wasn't seeking it. I feel like when we live in that seeking mentality is when we stay in our heads, because it's constantly like, and I'm all about having motivation. But I've changed what that looks like for me.
Speaker 2:It was like you can't get out of you can't get out of your own way. When you're constantly trying to plan things just right, I feel like we're not allowing for it. What's trying to come through can't come through. Like if you had been still doing all the things and sarasota magazine just using us as an example, I called you. You could have been like no, I've got way too much going on, I can't do that. Because it was like within a few days, like right, but you were allowing in a season of allowing and like knew you needed some rest yellow good things right.
Speaker 1:Good things Right. Take some pictures.
Speaker 2:But we hear a lot that say to a lot of people say stuff like that, like, for example, how many friends do all of us know that they were looking for their partner and looking and looking and dating, and dating and then, when they gave up, they found their, their spouse or people that are trying to get pregnant. They finally gave up, they let go.
Speaker 1:And then, trying to get pregnant, they finally gave up, they let go, and then they you know, yeah, it's because we stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to what has to happen.
Speaker 2:And I mean I'm preaching to myself here because I am same same, constantly trying to like, plan things out, because it does go back to survival. If I don't plan it, who will like? So you're like. People say, like so nothing's gonna happen.
Speaker 1:Like no oh, I'm already planning my 40th birthday party.
Speaker 1:It's in april, I mean, it's already in april, it's in february. Two kids birthday parties in april? Um, yeah, no, so I, I totally get it. Yeah, that's funny. But, to the root of me, why did I start planning my 40th birthday party? A because I want one. B because I don't want anyone else to F it up. C I know what I want. And D I want to travel during that time. So I again, the planner, the controller in me, has taken over this little project, and I'm well aware of admitting that no-transcript, that's going to happen two weeks before. I don't know, I don't know who.
Speaker 2:I'm going to want to be around. Right, that's it. I'll just scope everyone's energy at that point and we'll see.
Speaker 1:Who makes the cut. I don't know. I'm like you know, by then I'll probably change my mind about everything else. Cancel, just cancel. I'm just going to the beach for the day, but it's interesting because I did notice that about myself.
Speaker 1:It's like the work, the planner, because I do genuinely love planning parties Like I planned this beautiful baby shower for a friend of mine and they ended up getting married and it was like, wow, this is so fun and so that I really do love the party planning aspect of making things pretty and, you know, being creative with foods and desserts and things like that. So I think I was in that. I was geared up.
Speaker 2:It's a creative process for you. It is.
Speaker 1:It's a way of like a creative outlet for me. So in doing hers that's the reason I was like, oh, I want to play my birthday party because I'm here, I am on Pinterest, okay, I'm looking, oh my gosh, and you're seeing, oh, that would be fun for this, that would be fun. So I have, like every party plan for the next five years because of this one party, but that's the stream of like where your energy goes, your consciousness flows.
Speaker 1:So now that I'm not in the midst of planning that for her anymore and it's over, I'm like oh yeah, whatever, like we'll just, we'll get to my party when we get to it, who cares? Okay, but it's interesting how your attention shifts, yes, when you are actively doing something like that. Oh, totally even planning for a summer trip. It's like, oh, let's plan four other trips in the meantime, because we need to go all these different places now they're all planned. I'm like, oh, I hope we can afford to do all this.
Speaker 1:I hope we can make it. All this stuff Kids, you're getting peanut butter and jelly because we're traveling. But it's true, it's like I've noticed that about myself is where I have to be very careful, because when I'm in, I'm all in Right. So when I'm all into something, I have to make sure not to go extreme with it and plan too far forward, Because I catch myself. I really caught myself this summer doing a lot of that with planning trips and planning events.
Speaker 2:Well, like you said, where our attention goes, our energy flows, and that can be for good or bad. So a lot of times when something is happening in my life that I don't like, it's because I'm putting so much attention on that thing. I'm stressing, I'm worrying about it, thinking about it, which does nothing but and it seems counterintuitive to stop thinking about it, cause you're like but I need to solve this. It's a problem in my life and if I stopped thinking about it, how's it going to go away? And it's like but it does actually if you stop looking at natural consequences for this kind of stuff imagine that If you just stop focusing on the problem, it will go away.
Speaker 1:So I think our kids are really good examples of that.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh yes, totally. They're mirrors of us, right?
Speaker 1:So we talked about this earlier. Like we want to prevent these things from happening to our children. We want to keep them safe. Yes, obviously that's our priority as parental figures. However, how much of that is true and legit and how much of it is our own personal experiences and preferences?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, even with Savannah in first grade, she'll tell me things that happened at school or somebody hurt her feelings and she's crying and sobbing and I can almost feel my inner child crying with her and I can't because I'm the mom she's coming to me for help but I'm like I can't allow my rejection wound to bleed over on her because I'm like, oh gosh, she's going to internalize this. This is going to be like a core memory for her. This is going to be traumatic. She's going to have a rejection wound and like, stop, stop, stop. Like. And if she does, if she does exactly.
Speaker 2:I'm like the if that is, then like then we do the healing on that, and like the conversation is open and like I have to remind myself but you're here talking to her about it, you know what I mean. Like I didn't talk about things like that as a child, so things just stirred and stayed and were pressed down and I'm like it's hard for me as a mom to cause. This is not how most of us were raised, like if you're crying, I'll give you something to cry about. You know? Like oh yeah.
Speaker 2:I heard that a lot from my stepfather, but I just let her cry sometimes, and there's this voice that You're allowing her to feel her feelings Right.
Speaker 2:There's this voice. Sometimes that's like tell her to stop, make it stop. Like you're just crying and like you're making it worse. And it's like what's going to happen? Like, if you let her cry, what's the worst that can happen? Nothing. Like she gets it out and usually they cry and then they don't even know what the hell they were crying about. Right, we just move on. All of a sudden she looks up and she's like can I have a snack?
Speaker 1:and I'm like yes, food, I get it. Yeah, maybe we were just eating your emotions, right, exactly like start with yeah, do you want?
Speaker 2:some fruit because, if not, you're not really hungry. No, but it is true, to like let, and it's as I'm too. It's like we let your kids feel their emotions, feel yours, like you're allowed to feel yours too. And it's like sometimes I feel emotions that I know is not related to anything happening in my life, but I've just had these feelings with me for so long, going back to like the movie Inside Out. I imagine this like shame, rejection, character. That's like we're here today.
Speaker 2:I try to assign that feeling to something in my life and that's what I've learned to stop trying to assign your feelings to something like you can just have the feeling and let it pass, feel it, cry, be angry about it, write a letter or whatever, and then release it. And that, to me, is like I can move through that emotion within a day, versus weeks of trying to figure out why I'm feeling shameful. And it's like there isn't guess what. There isn't a reason that you're just used to this feeling. And it's like there isn't guess what. There isn't a reason that you're just used to this feeling. Let it go Like, feel it, and then let it go and remind yourself that there isn't anything shameful happening. And it's crazy how our mind, my, for me, my body, has been so conditioned to some of these negative feelings that I just feel them because my body. It's almost as sick as it is comforting to feel rejection at times, because it's a familiar feeling.
Speaker 1:That's why people choose relationships. They choose sometimes.
Speaker 2:True, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like that was huge for me when I was younger.
Speaker 2:Right, like I know this feeling, yeah, whereas when I things are going so well and I feel so happy and so like just not necessarily happy, but at peace with how things are unfolding in my life, I almost feel uncomfortable, like what's gonna happen? What's yes, oh boy here we go, like there's something must be around the corner waiting for me and it's like stop, stop it.
Speaker 1:And if there is like a beautiful phase and whatever's around the corner, that's around the corner, like enjoy your now enjoy the peace, enjoy the serenity, enjoy that is huge for all of us. Yeah, and I've talked about that on previous podcasts, it's like that. Why do we default mode to yeah, wow, everything's so good, what's gonna happen? Or everything's so bad, nothing good could happen? That's like the, the opposite version. And again, those are those false sense of beliefs. It's that false sense of I'm not worthy of great things in my life.
Speaker 1:I'm not worthy of blessings. I'm not it's like that worthiness type of deep internal and I think that's generational trauma for all of us. All of us, every human on the planet in this lifetime with generational trauma with worthiness. Yes, I don't care what gender, what race, what if anyone doesn't identify with? Whatever that is right, I don't care. It's worthiness is absolutely a core generational traumatic, like on a cellular level.
Speaker 2:Talking to any of my friends that are going through stuff at any given time, if I ask the right questions, it comes down to I don't feel worthy of having the opposite of this situation, so if this situation is a broken relationship with a parent or a friend, or whether it comes to finances, whatever it is that you ask enough questions, and this applies to me it's because I don't feel worthy of the opposite of that situation, which would be a good outcome. So I think I need to stay in this until I, for me, work hard enough to get myself out of it, and it's like rewiring your brain. To feel worthy is hard, it's so hard I I still struggle with that.
Speaker 1:I think part of the subconsciously. The reason that I am so busy and I am giving back and I am providing all these resources for people is because I am in a place in my life where I have them Right and I didn't have them when I was younger. So I feel like, now that I am in this position, it's my duty, it's my obligation.
Speaker 2:It's my purpose to give it away. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I mean that's something that I still, I mean I could admit to it, and it's not a bad thing. It brings me joy, but I know that that's where it comes from.
Speaker 2:Right, I totally get that and that's. I think that's why I want to help so bad too. At different areas of my life I've helped like through, like through the price to be really involved in the pregnancy center and then I helped with an outreach um at strip clubs and I think it was because I felt like you get to go to strip clubs all the time.
Speaker 1:Yes, did mike get to go with you?
Speaker 2:no, even though he asked if I needed security, I'm like, no, go home, go home.
Speaker 1:Our wrestling match is 7 o'clock. You're not allowed. You're not allowed.
Speaker 2:But I think I and this is I saw a lot of those women in those environments that felt rejection and I that's a big thing for me is rejection, and I don't ever want anyone to feel rejected. And I can think of specific moments in my life where I've had somebody believe in me and it changed the game for me and so it's like I want to, and those were all very private settings. But there was just someone who personally was like you can do this, you can. If you want better, you can have it, you can have it all. You just have to make that decision that you're worthy of having it.
Speaker 2:And I think it does help as much as we have the answers inside of us and we can pull ourselves out of situations. Having somebody to tell you that is huge. So I get why you want to help me, because there are so many times I didn't have that or I had everybody in my life telling me I was making the wrong decision. This will never work out and it's lonely and it's heartbreaking. And when you're dealing with heartbreak and loneliness, you know like, and being isolated all at the same time, it's hard to see a way out of it. But if you have someone come in and say, hey, here's what can help, or here's I in you right and not everybody's ready for that you know, I've learned that too.
Speaker 1:I feel like you need to go on a strip club tour like here we go, the healed versions of analysis.
Speaker 2:They have some great shoes in there too. I got some makeup tips and like how do you keep that makeup on and like for hours at a time? I need to hear okay, give me one scenario.
Speaker 1:I just want to know what happened in these scenarios because I really honestly okay, I'm almost 40 years old I have been to a couple in my day. Every time I ever walked into one, I always felt like I wanted to save them. I thought to myself what happened in your life? And not judging at all it just made me feel like why do you feel like you need to do this?
Speaker 2:for what you're doing. I won't speak for all strippers, but from the ones that I built a relationship with, they don't really want to be there. They don't have fun on stage dancing like that, but they out of survival. They're like this is what I'm going to do. I mean there was one girl that had had a baby three months ago and she would come off stage and pump and then go back out on stage. She looked great.
Speaker 1:I've had baby for three months ago, but that's like four or five months so the best my body ever felt.
Speaker 2:I feel like sometimes but there is there was an, for sure an energy of desperation, of I want a better life for myself and I feel like I'm trapped in that this is the only way out. So, um, but some of them have been doing it for years. So, anyway, I say all of that because I also I want to help people that need it and want it. So, and not everybody does. I mean, there were some girls that were really mad that we were there trying to help.
Speaker 1:You kind of like that attitude of why do you think I need help?
Speaker 2:And I get that too, which was a fear of mine of like who am I coming in here to?
Speaker 1:Yeah?
Speaker 2:exactly I could see like. I'm sorry, so I had to deal with myself too.
Speaker 1:I don't know how I would feel if someone just came into my place of employment. Do you need help?
Speaker 2:Let me help you.
Speaker 1:It's like the lady at the grocery store and your kid's freaking out and you're just like do you need help with that? What would make you feel that way? The kids are just screaming and there's just flying everywhere. Why would you think I'd need any help?
Speaker 2:right now so.
Speaker 1:I could see that perspective too. Did you ever feel unsafe? I'm intrigued by this. I'm intrigued.
Speaker 2:Sorry, we're going on a tangent, yeah um, no, I never felt unsafe, good, and um, there was a lot of stories that were like I would cry with some of the girls because they were, some of them were physically abused, and you know they would. They would tell me this horrible story and they'd be like it's okay, it's really okay, like because they could see me getting upset about it and now they're trying to comfort me and I'm like, no, no, it's not okay. But I also was very careful not to make them feel shameful for their situation, like, oh wow, I'm shocking this lady like there's nothing you can tell me that's going to shock me away from you.
Speaker 1:You don't want to add shame to the situation, which is from what you shared earlier. It feels like you were like the perfect person to go in and talk about that, because you understand what it's like to feel that shame and you don't want that projected. You don't want to project that onto someone else for their situation, but instead empower them to know that they're worthy of doing something different if that's what they want to do.
Speaker 2:Yes, the worthiness aspect of it. It was eye-opening for me too of like there's a lot I feel unworthy of. You know like. So I'm here with you in the midst of this. Like my choices may not look like yours right now, but I can tell you I could and I did share a lot of stories that they were like you did that I'm like, yes, we all have our stuff. A lot of us hide it better than others, but I can tell you some stories.
Speaker 1:I'm really glad we didn't have Snapchat, oh Lord. I am so glad social media was not like I know I didn't need any infant amount of money or time to be a teenager in the world today, and I think that's what scares me oh, I know it makes me grateful it makes me grateful.
Speaker 1:Yes, but also scares me because we will have them right, we do um, but it's. They don't know any different, you know I don't know they actually tatum really always says she's like well, I just want to go back to like your day, like I know your day. This man asked I know.
Speaker 2:Your day. This fan asked me if I was born in the 1980s last week and I was like wow, when you say it like that, that sounds terrible. And I was like yes.
Speaker 1:And she was like. I was like why is that so funny? I'm dying. I showed it to Matt last night. There was a lady. She was like my child. I can't even say it without laughing. My child asked me what year I was born. I told her 1988. And they asked me if I was a slave, and she just like walks away and I'm like, oh my God, bless her heart. Our kids have no perception of time, though I know, and I mean even myself.
Speaker 2:Someone's like oh time though I know and I mean even myself, someone's like, oh, um, when I think of 1970, I think it was 30 years ago. 30 years ago it was 1994 and I'm like, oh wow, like I was I still think of. The 70s is 30 years ago.
Speaker 1:I know I wasn't even born in the 70s, so why? Do I think that way right, I know, like why it's our conditioning, why does that happen? Oh, that's funny it makes me laugh.
Speaker 2:I know I saw a meme that somebody was dropping off something from UPS and they needed their birth date for something and they said, oh, 92, and they're like 1992 and he's like no, 1792, like yes, but it does show you the generational like you don't, and that's fine.
Speaker 1:I think it's great. It's just, it's been fun. I've. I have really, I think, approaching 40 I really started to embrace it like I'm not afraid.
Speaker 2:I mean, my 30s were way better than my 20s oh yeah, I'm like it can only go up from here. I mean, if we're, if the trajectory of my life is any indication of my 40s, I'm all for it.
Speaker 1:Right, take me to 45. Maybe not quite 45 yet, because I'm trying to do this all natural. Okay, I'm trying not to do any of the things that are out there that are very tempting. I saw this thing. You said you had a Sharpay. Yes, I saw this other one that it was like when the Botox kicks in and it's like someone lifting the Sharpay's skin all the way back and it pulls it back.
Speaker 1:I think it's that something. And I'm not going to lie. I did disport before I was pregnant with Brody, but I'm really after the brain scans and stuff. It freaks me out. I know it really freaks me out. So I mean mean to each their own. I don't judge at all, I think I just know so much and I've worked so hard to get my adrenals and everything in balance that I'm like whatever, like I have lines on my forehead. I don't care, I have crispy.
Speaker 2:I don't care, like everyone else does too.
Speaker 1:If you don't, you're just, yeah, like I don't care like I think Sarah Jessica Parker's always been one of my favorite actresses. Yes, and I saw something from her and she's like I know what I look like. I don't care yeah.
Speaker 2:Pamela Anderson. I love her. I know she looks so beautiful and she's just like, but it's so amazing. It's so shocking to the world. I mean, like you see articles that are like Pamela Anderson without makeup, like good for her.
Speaker 1:She's living a simple life.
Speaker 2:I think she had her fair share of on-camera action.
Speaker 1:Okay, I feel like she was out there and now she's gardening and living her best life.
Speaker 2:Hey your beliefs create your reality. If anyone is an example of you can change your life. It's Pamela Anderson. Look at her she is like on the cover of Southern Living. She went from.
Speaker 1:Playboy to Southern Living. I'm not going to lie, I watched a lot of Baywatch as a kid and I think it really messed me up, like between Baywatch and Dirty Dancing.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Really interesting role models, so I always, which led to really interesting beliefs about myself and conditioning.
Speaker 2:Like well, if you just stay this, super fit, cute blonde girl, your whole life everything will be perfect yeah, I think that was for a lot of us true, we're born in the 80s like that whole diet culture of like. Yeah, I mean they were like picking apart jessica simpson when she weighed like 145 pounds, you, you know like they were like shaming her all over. I know I'm like, well, wait a minute.
Speaker 1:I know no, she looks and it's like two each their own Right. Why do we as a society feel the need to pick other people apart?
Speaker 2:You wouldn't do that in real life. You know like you wouldn't. But yeah, we put people on a platform and we're like let's just critique the crap out of them.
Speaker 1:I think the answer to that is it's because what we judge in ourselves we do it ourselves Like if I've ever it's our internal judgment on someone else, it's because I'm judging myself in the exact same way.
Speaker 2:I see that too, and some of the people that I feel like are the most judgmental people I've ever met. Now it used to make me really mad, and at times it does. That's what comes alive in me, but I also realize that's their world. They are that as critical as I see them to other people, they're 10 times that in their inner voice and that's sad.
Speaker 1:And that allows you to bring compassion.
Speaker 2:Yes, To be like wow.
Speaker 1:if they're critiquing somebody externally, that bad, think about how bad they critique themselves constantly, I mean and that again goes back to the worthiness Like they're never going to be good enough for themselves or anyone else.
Speaker 1:So I actually talked to my life coach about this after I finished that book, the nonviolent communication book, and I'm like why have I always been so strict on myself, like athletically, and like I always like have to look a certain way? Because it's not, I'm like, not an intention seeking. I want men to look at me because that triggers me, right. So for me yes, I I took it all the way back to exercise I don't do it because I want to look a certain way. I do it because I want to feel strong, feel strong because feeling strong makes me feel safe, right, and feeling safe makes me Feel strong Because feeling strong makes me feel safe, right, and feeling safe makes me feel strong and so, therefore, it makes me feel empowered.
Speaker 2:Power is where. Yeah, that's my big thing.
Speaker 1:It's the power, it's like the empowerment.
Speaker 2:I'm in control.
Speaker 1:I'm in control of my life. I can handle it if something were to happen to me, because, you know, right, it's one of the memes. The memes are like flowing today and this lady's walking. She's like. You know, I haven't been offered drugs from anyone in my adult life, like I was raised to believe.
Speaker 2:But I wanted to be prepared, Like our dare services. That all started with some guy going don't smoke. I wanted to be prepared.
Speaker 1:And still it's something in me and I think, just genetically, when I am super fit and strong, my body still looks feminine. So it's kind of me and I think, just genetically, when I am super fit and strong, my body still looks feminine. So it's kind of a catch-22. But I think that's another deep core why I had this eating disorder because I like to be thin and I liked to be muscular and then if my female part started to fill out, if my butt got bigger, if my boobs started to fill out, if my butt got bigger, if my boobs started to fill out, I would start to get really triggered and I'd want to run a ton or work out more. And why? It's because I didn't want that outside attention, because I didn't want to be like my mom. Yeah, I didn't want to like she was at some point. I say this about my mom I love my mom, we're super close now.
Speaker 1:And she'll be on the podcast eventually. She's totally changed her life, but when I was growing up she had been married like seven, eight times. You know she was very attention and I didn't want that. I didn't want people looking at me for that Like, if someone's looking at me because I'm strong, that's right, okay. So that deep core need for strength is still there, I'm like.
Speaker 1:I don't know if it'll ever go away. I'm embracing more of it. I'm almost 40. My hormones are changing my body's different A little 10-pound fluctuation than it used to be. But that's okay. I've just tossed all of my size 24. Who the hell wears size 24 jean shorts? I don't know when I fit into those.
Speaker 2:But it ain't now.
Speaker 1:Me four jean shorts I don't know when I fit into those, but it ain't now but embracing that and showing my daughter that she's beautiful in all of her shapes and forms, right, and even if the size is way larger, it's whatever. But if you are, this is my other thing with this. I know that when I was super lean and, you know, super, super fit, I wasn't healthy on the inside, right. I was in my head all the time. I was judging myself. All the time. I was, you know, drinking sometimes and then doing four, I mean literally, I think, in 2017, the year 16, 17, the year four, in the year Matt and I got married, I would run with him in the morning, three to four miles. We would run, then I would go to a freaking HIIT class, then I would go to a cycle class or vice versa. Wow, yeah, and I wonder why I have adrenal fatigue.
Speaker 2:I don't know why my nervous system is short. I remember people be like what are you?
Speaker 1:training for and I'm like like I don't know what do you mean?
Speaker 2:Every day I'm like okay, this is also why I needed a job, because this is also during the time where I wasn't working and I was just class momming.
Speaker 1:But I physically. But I am one of those people that physically love the feeling of exercise too. So that's different. It is stress relief for me. It's something I've done since I was very young, it's like therapy, but our intentions have changed.
Speaker 2:Like before, my intentions were I had to fit in these size pants, I had to look a certain way in a bikini, and now my intention, as I'm working on it people are very vulnerable is to be healthy. I'm doing this to fuel my body because I'm also I've come into awareness that I've got to work on what I'm doing in my body and that comes down to like makeup, the lotions I put on. You know like you just become more aware at some point that, like, what is it I'm putting in and on my body? And functionality. It means a lot more to me than appearance, while it's still something I you know like. I think for me, appearance has all.
Speaker 2:I've always struggled because I felt so critiqued as a child growing up from religion that was like but you can't critique this. And I was like I can control this. You might get me on the. I am, I don't whatever a center or whatever all these other things, but I'm going to control the way I look and you're not going to critique me on that. So, and I heard a lot growing up, so and so is overweight, so and so is fat, and it's like well, I'm never going to be that, and I held myself to this standard of like, at least like, if I can control nothing else in my life, I'll be successful in this area as being fit.
Speaker 2:And so, yeah, I came down to control. So it's. But that was my intention was to control others' perception of me from a physical standpoint. I can control this. I may not control how they feel about me, but now you know, as I have become more accepting of this is me and my authenticity. My intention is to feel good and be the best physically I can be, and I did not pay attention to that for a very long time. I mean, I've done a lot of damage to my body. Yeah, we all have.
Speaker 1:Let's just say we all have, and I can totally relate to that. 100 percent, and that's exactly right. What is the intention? Intention, yeah, the intention for me right now is, like you said, it's functionality, it's longevity, it's performance. I want to feel good.
Speaker 2:I want to feel good.
Speaker 1:I talked about this, actually, on my last podcast. I started drinking more coffee when we were in Europe but I realized it didn't really make me feel that good if I did it all the time. If I have one every now and then, that's fine, it's like, it's enjoyable, it's fun. But I know for me, like, especially if I'm like the kids and stuff, it makes me edgy. So I don't want to do that. Right, and so being able to purge things from my life and trickle them back in, whether it's like a glass of wine or a drink or something, it's knowing that I don't stay stuck in that either and I don't shame myself for it. I don't drink, you know.
Speaker 1:I don't like kind of circulate on what it is I've done, Like I just you took a rest day, Okay, great, Okay, oh awesome, that's.
Speaker 2:That's you're supposed to rest you know you took a nap. You're supposed to nap Right know, you took a nap.
Speaker 1:You're supposed to nap, right. When it gets back to that perception of other people, I think I always wanted to be presented as someone that was not weak, that was not vulnerable yeah, and that worked hard. Yeah, and that's what being fit Right, the belief system of what that represented for me. I get that, but now I do it because I love it, right. Yeah, I go to the gym and I move my body differently every day. Some days I go do a strength class, or some days I just go to the gym and do something else. Some days I go outside and I just take a walk. It looks so different every day.
Speaker 2:Sometimes I go to yoga so different every day, sometimes I go to yoga and that is powerful.
Speaker 1:For me, that's been a lot of letting go.
Speaker 2:A lot of letting go.
Speaker 1:Well, it's like we're taking care of ourselves, right, and we're showing our kids and our friends and our husbands and our society that that's what it should be about. It should be about what. What needs do you have? Like what's coming alive?
Speaker 2:and you know it's like.
Speaker 1:I want to be healthy. I want to be healthy. I never thought like that when I was in my twenties. Sure, I didn't want to get sick but I never thought wow, I really want to be healthy, Right, and it's just a different train of thought. And that's what really makes me sad for social media being out there now. Oh gosh. Yeah, it doesn't necessarily. I mean there's a lot of stuff, but I mean there's a lot of stuff. That's the point, yeah there's too much.
Speaker 1:There's too much stuff like oh my god, if you don't feed your kid, all organic, they're gonna die. And if, like, if there's no such thing as all organically, it's right there's just so much out there like it's, it's an all or nothing mentality sometimes, and I have to remind myself it's nothing in life is all. I mean we're all screwed. Yeah, we're here.
Speaker 2:I mean we live in this toxic society, so you just choose your battles, right, and that whole culture of like don't do this. It's kind of toxic too, because you can't, it's not sustainable, right. So it's like. But I think what makes it manageable, like you said, taking stuff out and then adding it back in is like okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:How did it go without it? Did I like that? Did I? Am I going to add this back in? And yeah, it's the same, you know, with my kids. You know everything is so toxic, like macaroni and cheese and all the things. It's just like okay, what I know, velveeta oh my God, the cheese off the shelf.
Speaker 1:The cheese off the shelf, yes, oh my God, velveeta. I used to eat Velveeta, green cheese and grilled cheeses all the time. I know, yes, if you're still feeding your family Velveeta.
Speaker 2:I apologize.
Speaker 1:But I did survive. So yeah, did survive, and that's just true. It's like you know, we could go down a whole. Oh, I know we could have a whole other episode on our grocery stores and what's in our. I mean, the whole point is do what's right for you. Yes, and because that's the sad part too, is not everyone can afford Right Everything. I mean when you have a family of five, packing lunches and cutting cucumbers and you know making them in little star shapes and that's always practical for everyone.
Speaker 1:So I really like to be sensitive and again goes back to my other job. I like to provide resources for people and an outlet, but also not put anyone in a position where they feel like they need to feel ashamed or judged because of it. Right, and that's what bothers me about. Everything out there is, you know, I I feel like we're still kind of stuck in that, but again, it's what comes alive in us right, so we can choose whether we want to feel shame or we can say wow, that person's just putting out this good information for other people to hear.
Speaker 2:I'll take this part of this whole thing that she put out there and I don't remember where I heard this the first time but just do the next right thing Like whatever that is for you and I can just focus on one thing at a time makes me feel like one. I did something. I used to be self-sabotaging in the sense of if I can't do all of this, aware that I'm going to kill myself, trying to uproot my whole family's current routine to try and look like somebody else's, like that's not authentic for us either. So which could be more damaging than what you're trying to do?
Speaker 1:right and what works for that family is awesome. What works for our family is awesome yeah, what works for us? Individually is awesome and I think we so. One thing and I was actually talking to my nanny about this the other day comparison there's what I think we'll we'll talk about some comparison real quick and then we'll wrap things up, because this might be the rest of the oh it's gonna be a long, but that's what gets us, oh yeah, when we get into a place where we allow our ego to take over and we start to compare ourselves.
Speaker 1:I mean, I'm the worst at comparing myself to previous versions of myself.
Speaker 2:Oh, same yeah.
Speaker 1:And then I'm like you need to look at the big picture of that girl.
Speaker 2:What else was also going on?
Speaker 1:Right now, but or other people or places right now, but or other people or places, and I think that summertime can get that way and be a lot of different pressures for people because everyone's taking different vacations and I'm like OK, you see a family of six on a vacation in Europe.
Speaker 1:I guarantee you they've had a couple rough patches, so it's not what Facebook and Instagram makes it out to be. Yeah, and I hope that we can scale back a little from that mentality. Not that I don't. I'm one of those people that love to and appreciate seeing everyone's family photos. It makes me feel connected to people that I don't really talk to on a regular basis and I think I'm a little bit more leery about putting my kids out there now just because.
Speaker 2:But I genuinely love, like prom and homecoming I know I love seeing everyone back to school pictures and I think everyone did a much better job this year back to school with not putting everyone's information out there I think a couple of those.
Speaker 1:The warning size went viral, but I do appreciate it. However, I just want people to know like there's there's stuff behind that, but there's a whole life.
Speaker 2:There's a whole life happening behind that, it's like.
Speaker 1:that's why I like the Instagram versus reality, like, yeah, it's like they're all alone on this beautiful lagoon.
Speaker 2:And there's like a hundred people around.
Speaker 1:Yes. All waiting in line pissing in the water. So I think comparison has been something that I've really grown out of. Yes, and catching myself going back to journaling, catching myself doing that, whether it's, you know, aesthetically, or travel, or parenting, or relationships, it's yeah and we can all do that. It's like just and honestly. I think sometimes just taking it offline, yes, is a great way to protect yourself too.
Speaker 2:Agreed. That way you don't feel like there is something and this may be a little too woo woo, but there is something behind the energy of letting everybody in on everything, because I think there's just like the wrong intention looking at your stuff.
Speaker 1:Yes, it is a lie. It's like you're putting your life out there and so they can sabotage it in whatever way that they're choosing to, or they can compare themselves to it right, and which also is energy towards you, because there's like the jealousy which right, I know I don't like that word, but it's like there is some of that behind.
Speaker 2:I mean it's, it's out there, right so but yeah, I think there is something to protecting your world and your things that are. I mean, I've I've started to feel that way and I know my youngest sister is like taking her son offline and it's made me think, like you know, maybe I need to do more, because we're proud of them too. Like half of it's like look at my kids, I know how cute they are.
Speaker 1:I want my grandfather to see him because he doesn't know how to work his smartphone and I know he has 16 facebook accounts and I'm one of them. One of them is gonna see I think every time he signs in to get on facebook, he creates a new account.
Speaker 1:I love him, but you know, I want them to stay in the loop and then I also think I try not to think about, like you know, there could be other people out there with different intentions, right, yeah, which I just try not to think about. That, yeah, but there is. I think the key to that is just respecting and nurturing the intimacy of your life. Yes, and that's something that is a need inside of me. Yeah, you know before husband I'm like since I read this book, you're getting a lot of needs the book.
Speaker 2:Nonviolent Communication. I need to read that one.
Speaker 1:Because it really teaches you to express your needs. Yeah, so like he's like oh yeah, we are going on a date night. I'm like well, we're going with your podcast. Guys, I need a one-on-one connection with you, yeah or I could just be like okay, whatever, and hold resentment because we're going to dinner with other people like I'm still going to enjoy that dinner, right, but I would really like for this other scenario serving a different purpose than yeah and, but he's not going to know that unless I tell him yeah, and he's, you know he's winning.
Speaker 2:He's taking me out to dinner. Check, check he is.
Speaker 1:He's doing a great job yeah, um, and actually since he read the book too, it's been, it's been really great, because I think it's really allowed me to realize how I'm communicating and how we're all conditioned to communicate. Yeah, and it's something, it's something I'm not great at to be totally honest it's communicating in my intimate relationships.
Speaker 2:With people that I'm not that intimate with, I can communicate really well, but it's because the people that are closest to you are the ones you really need to communicate your needs to.
Speaker 2:And why is it that we're afraid sometimes, I know, I think, a fear of reactivity, fear of like I'm going to express this need and you're like no Right, fear of like I'm gonna express this need and you're like no, like for me as reject, immediate rejection. Like so right, which goes back to me like why do you feel like they're allowed to say no? Like you can't control everybody, so like why you're gonna have to work on this.
Speaker 1:they said, no, get over it. I get over it, but no journal I. I think about things that I yeah some funny comments my husband comes back to and I'm not going to get into them online. So I have to be careful in saying what I need and when I need it, because I usually get a straight one answer. Jesus Christ, I love you though. Yeah, this has been so much fun.
Speaker 2:This has been a lot of fun.
Speaker 1:We're going to do it again. I have a feeling we're coming back. We might have even chained a crystal clear. Actually, my name is Crystal Nicole.
Speaker 2:I know that is so funny. I remember when you told me that it is.
Speaker 1:It's spelled differently, though, but still it was awesome, thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:You will definitely be back because we had so much fun. Yes, and I appreciate you sharing your journey, your heart, your reality with us today. Is there anything?
Speaker 2:you want to leave us with today. I would just say, if you've never journaled before, just make a journaling prompt what is alive inside of me, because we talked a lot about that. If you're looking to start and don't know where start there, awesome, let's do it, see you guys. Thank you.