Krystel Clear
In this podcast you will experience my unique approach to healing, happiness and following my souls purpose. My intention is to provide a platform that aims to guide and support individuals on their journey towards personal growth, inner healing, spiritual enlightenment or just taking the right steps to reach your highest potential!
My goal is to create a thought provoking, safe and nurturing space for listeners to explore various topics. Healing, self-discovery, mindfulness, wellness, empowerment, accountability, the raw truths of life, love and overcoming everyday obstacles.
I will have my tribe of healing coaches, doctors, colleagues and peers joining me to discuss their journeys in hopes of bringing enlightenment and empowerment to your world.
Life can be messy so let’s talk about that and the worthiness, forgiveness and compassion it takes to face our darkness and shine our light!
I hope this podcast validates your feelings, gives you the permission needed to share your voice, speak your truth and navigate your own journey with strength and perseverance.
**This podcast does not supplement any mental health or medical advice from practitioners. It’s a guiding tool providing resources from my own personal life experiences. The intention is to shed light and love onto the lives of others. You are not alone**
Krystel Clear
Behind the Screen with Kayleigh During of Youtube's "History With Kayleigh"
Kayleigh During is no ordinary history buff. What started as a coping mechanism during a difficult health journey has blossomed into a thriving YouTube channel with over 240,000 subscribers. Today, she pulls back the curtain on the person behind "History with Kayleigh," revealing the profound journey that led her to become a respected voice in ancient history education.
From her earliest childhood memories of discovering Stonehenge in her mother's encyclopedia to her current status as a female creator in a predominantly male space, Kayleigh's story is one of passion, resilience, and determination. She articulates a fascinating perspective on humanity's shift from communal societies to competitive ones during the late Stone Age and early Bronze Age – a transition she characterizes with disarming simplicity as the moment when "it's shiny, it's mine" became our collective mindset.
The conversation takes a sobering turn as Kayleigh candidly discusses the dark side of internet fame. Despite creating educational content about ancient civilizations, megalithic structures, and archaeological discoveries, she regularly faces harassment, sexualization, and boundary violations from a subset of male viewers who seem unable to see past her gender. Her experience reveals the troubling reality many female content creators navigate daily – from implementing extra safety measures while traveling to developing mental health strategies for processing online abuse.
Yet through it all, Kayleigh maintains an inspiring outlook. She's transformed her passion into a career that freed her from disability payments, built meaningful connections with her audience, and created a platform where complex historical concepts become accessible to everyone. Her methods for staying grounded – from nature walks to mindful breathing – offer valuable insights for anyone facing challenges in our hyperconnected world.
Whether you're fascinated by ancient history, curious about the realities of content creation, or simply interested in a remarkable human story, this episode offers a thoughtful exploration of what it means to share your passion with the world while protecting your humanity. Subscribe now and discover more conversations that explore the fascinating people behind the public personas.
Thank you for joining me today. Please know that this podcast and the information shared is not to replace or supplement any mental health or personal wellness modalities provided by practitioners. It’s simply me, sharing my personal experiences and I appreciate you respecting and honoring my story and my guests. If something touched your heart please feel free to like, share and subscribe. Have a beautiful day full of gratitude, compassion and unconditional love.
What's up you guys? Welcome to this episode of Crystal Clear. I have a fun virtual guest with us today. I don't do many of these virtuals. I have Miss Kaylee Dering tuning in all the way from Amsterdam today. You all may know her from History with Kaylee. She's been doing her YouTube channel for about five years now and those of you who aren't familiar with her you will be now.
Speaker 1:So we are going to dive into the human behind the screen today. So welcome, kaylee, thank you. Thank you, happy to be here, happy that you're here. Sorry, I couldn't fly you in and do all the fancy stuff that my hubs did for you. It's fine. It's fine.
Speaker 1:Next time you're in town we're going to reel you into the studio again. But I really appreciate. You know she and I connected when she was in town for my husband's Limitless podcast, matt Bell Limitless, and we had a lunch and, you know, instantly connected. I think that we kind of really had this synergetic connection that you know, I don't know. I find it always fun and enlightening when I can do that with other people, especially the first time meeting them, not really knowing much about them. So I really appreciate you deciding to go completely out of your realm here. This is a different type of history. With Kaylee, this is going to be a little bit more like. You know who are you, who is the person behind the videos, and I think that we live in a culture now and I was talking to the studio guys before this is. You know, I think we forget sometimes that we're real people. You know, they're real brains, they're real feelings or real emotions or real humans behind all of the screens and all of the things that we're putting out there.
Speaker 2:So, thanks, I totally agree. Like you see someone online and you get this, you form this picture of them in your head, about who you think they are, and then, once they reveal a little bit more about their lives, you're like I had no clue who this person was. Like I concocted something in my brain but that's not who this person is. And, like with you, I was in Florida and it was very nice and Matt told me, like you can shoot her a message and just grab some lunch or something, and I was like normally I would never do that Just out of the blue message someone I've never met but I don't know. It kind of felt natural and the moment I met you it was like oh, somehow it feels like I've already known you and I'm just vibing. That's how it felt for me.
Speaker 1:You know, love it, maybe you have. Maybe we've done some lifetimes together before, we've been in some different realms. Maybe I'm open to it, not discounting it, I'm fine with that, you know, awesome, so yeah. So tell us a little bit, first of all about your show. Like, what is it you've been putting out there? I mean, I kind of know, but my audience, it might be a little different for them.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I would love for you to just kind of introduce what you're up to now and then we'll you know, we'll go from there yeah, okay, so I, I make videos on youtube about ancient history, ancient structures, um, human evolution, theories surrounding the ancient world, new archaeological discoveries, all things ancient. I just love it. Uh, I'm a weirdo. I'm very passionate about where we as human species come from and our origins and I've always wondered about that and how we came to be, because it wasn't just a spur of the moment. We just it's not like we zipped into existence. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like there's a story and I like a good story. I mean I got some books, I like a good story. Okay, I like a good story. I mean I got some books, I like a good story. Okay. So give me a good story and this, yeah, like human evolution.
Speaker 2:To me it's like an unfinished story and every once in a while you get this new chapter with new information that reveals so much more about who we as a species are and how we came to be in our origin story and I just love that. So that's what I usually dive into on my channel. And I started my channel to kind of cope with the depression after being nearly bedridden for a couple years after a very tough surgery, and that very much changed the way I view life and how I currently enjoy life and how I'm I don't know. I don't want to say like I've always focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. But this made me focus on the light at the end of the tunnel because, even though it was bleak and dark at times, though it was bleak and dark at times something told me it's going to be okay, keep going, keep pushing.
Speaker 1:So I did and it didn't lie. Everything turned out okay. Right, I mean, you have what like 240,000 subscribers or something like that on YouTube. That is incredible, I mean. And this is you, just like you said. I mean you followed your passion You're talking about and you're putting information out there about what your interests are and what your curiosities are, and you're apparently not the only one. But that is so fulfilling.
Speaker 1:So you know, you really took that opportunity, in the stillness of the couple years you had there with health, stuff to reevaluate and you know light at the end of the tunnel, but you really reframed your purpose and brought light to your life. And you know you could have easily gone a lot of different directions, but you chose to go into this one. A lot of different directions, but you chose to go into this one and kudos to you. It's not for the weak, it is not for the impatient, it is not, you know, and even the topics and stuff that you're hitting on there's not a ton of female historians and content creators with this type of realm. I feel like doing my type of podcast. They're a dime, a dozen, like you know the feelings and the emotions and the tell me about your childhood.
Speaker 1:You know we're all into this, but I think it's great. It's a bold and broad choice and I love it. And it takes courage and charisma and personality and you have all of that. So I am excited that you're here to dive into a little of the different history per se. But I mean, you gave us a little bit of what interests you and it's funny that you said you're always interested in how we came to be so similarly but different. I've always been very curious and interested in why do we act the way we do? So less of like how did we get here? But like why do we act this way? Or what drew us to what we're pursuing or what we're passionate about. And you know kind of formed our perspectives and our curiosities. And so tell me a little bit about like when did this? How did you really tap into this in your life prior to doing the YouTube?
Speaker 2:I think it started at a really, really young age. So my parents split when I was about four months and I grew up at my mom's house and she had like this encyclopedia, like she had the collection like A to Z.
Speaker 1:Not many people had that but she had the collection. So I think I was about they were great.
Speaker 2:I think I was about five or six when I started skimming the pages and I had to be very careful because these books were very expensive back in the day, Like they were the creme de la croix you know, you were fancy, if in life.
Speaker 2:So I remember skimming through the pages and I think I was about five or six. I first came across like Stonehenge. I was like, huh, these stones. And I asked my mom, what's this? And she was like, oh, that's Stonehenge. And I'm like, ok, that sounds important. What is it? She had no clue, so I at the time wasn't able to like fully read, but I always looked at the pictures.
Speaker 2:So about six or seven, about a year later, I was able to like read more and I opened up the book again and I wanted to learn more of these stones. So I started reading about them and I don't know, something in my brain just clicked like that's. It was a familiar feeling, even though I only had seen the picture maybe once or twice in my life before. I've got no connections to like the beaker culture who created Stonehenge like none. I come from the other side of the North Sea because that's in England and I'm in the Netherlands, but there was a familiarity with it and that always gnawed at me and I was good at history in school, high school. I flunked high school completely but I had two like classes where I excelled and that was English and history, so I mean English and history.
Speaker 2:So I mean, that's why I do all my stuff in English and it's history that's perfect. You put it to use. Girlfriend, you put it to use. I'm so simple-minded. It's fine. But yeah, no, the things with like history. Second World War in the Netherlands. It's a big thing. You can still see the scars today, which is a shame. But at the same time it also makes history more tangible to you. You feel more connected to things.
Speaker 2:So I studied a little bit about World War II and the town I grew up in my birth town, the area like the province, I live in the country fully, and then I, you know, you study World War II across the European continent, and then you go further back. Oh, what happened before? Oh, the first World War, okay, but what happened before that? Oh, all the French Revolution, dutch Anglo Wars and all that stuff that completely changed the playing board constantly.
Speaker 2:But then I got annoyed with all these wars and all that massive change in such a short time and I was like but why did we become like this? Why, where does that come from, that need that drive to take everything for yourself and push everyone else out? And so I started going back further, and if you go back far enough into like the early Stone Age or the late Stone Age, you see that people lived completely differently when it comes to that stuff. Of course you have tribes, and my tribe lives here, your tribe lives there. You stay away, but at the same time they also traded, they also live together. It's not like everyone was just killing each other, know, what I mean.
Speaker 1:Right, like we were living in some sort of harmony, like you do you, we're're gonna do us without the need to convert or to take over or to just inhabit everything. So what do you feel like that shift was? Because it had to be something, I think it happened around like the late stone age, early bronze. Okay, it's shiny, it's mine Right In a way in the brain somehow.
Speaker 2:it's shiny, it's mine. It's a thing that just pops into my head always when I think about when that started.
Speaker 1:Well, and you think of it, that's like you know, the greed takes over, it's the ego starts to take over. We start living and adapting into more of this egoic society of luxury and you know, more is better or whatever like in becoming conditioned in that way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think with the Stone Age we started building things together with the megalithic structures, the pyramids, the ziggurats, all that stuff, and of course, like the pyramids and the ziggurats, and that happened in like the early bronze age, late stone age, but at the same time that was around the time that the shift happened. After that we we didn't build these incredible things anymore. Sure, you had the romans with coliseum and all their amphitheaters and all that beautiful stuff, but like the megaliths of like ancient turkey, ancient malta, the stonehenge, all this, the henge monuments in like scotland, the burial mounds in ireland. We stopped doing that because, like you said, it's like greed takes over.
Speaker 1:It's shiny, it's mine, it's not yours, I want to kill you for it because you looked at it funny right, and it's so interesting to me because I feel like, now more than ever, there's just so much much out there for people to compare to and it's almost like a false sense of reality, right, it's like to leave that simplicity of having like a simple life and we take the humanness and the compassion away from it when we start to like bigger is better.
Speaker 1:This is that, and it's just like that, that conditioning of the mind that takes over and the ego takes over, essentially, and we, we stop living from within and start seeking external and external validation and and all of that and that kind of you know, to circle back to the point earlier is like making you know, bringing out the humanness behind. You know podcasters, or you know people on YouTube, or even movie stars and actresses and actors. I mean, I mean, like my daughter asked me she's like why is paparazzi legal? Like why, just because someone has a certain job I mean I've asked myself this from the like since I can remember because someone has a certain position in life, you're allowed to just brutally stalk them and like take pictures of them everywhere. They can't even go to the grocery store like a normal person. Like, why have we dehumanized people for having a public job or public appearance. Like why?
Speaker 2:As a European, as a Dutch person, it's so weird because we do have paparazzi here, but it's paparazzi in quotations. So we have a royal family, we have a king, a queen, and they have three daughters and the eldest is going to be like that's the daughter heir. She's going to be our queen in a couple of decades. They went to public schools without any issue. On the first day of school, the paparazzi was allowed to snap a photo to public schools without any issue. On the first day of school, the paparazzi was allowed to snap a photo or two near their house as they were biking to school with their parents and security. That was it.
Speaker 2:There's photo moments throughout the year. I think there's three or four royal photo moments where paparazzi they can go to them even on holiday. If they're in Greece on holiday or if they're like doing skiing in like Austria or Germany or things like that, then the paparazzi can come and they have a photo moment and they have like 30 minutes, 60 minutes. Take your photos, they will pose for you and have like 30 minutes, 60 minutes. Take your photos, they will pose for you and then after that shoot wait gone Right.
Speaker 1:So there are limits on it there. And see there are many limits. So many limits and I love to hear that I had no idea.
Speaker 2:I had no idea, but like it's so weird to me, like, like people like Blake Lively, how she was photographed while pregnant even though she hadn't even announced it to the world yet. People let a woman live, 100%, be alive, you know.
Speaker 1:I read Prince Harry's book Spare and it's like disturbing. Oh yeah, those poor children, they really are weird. I mean, I think it's really bizarre, like I am really happy for him and his wife for just kind of, you know, wanting some privacy in their life. It's just, you know, and I know that now I mean essentially you're a public figure because you've had this channel for for five years now, and so how has that really affected your life? How has that affected you? Um, both you know, locally or on the internet?
Speaker 2:So locally, like where I live. Uh, I used to live in a bigger town but I moved and now I live with my boyfriends. People here know that I do YouTube. They couldn't care less, right, and I love that because that is Dutch. But like that is the Dutch culture, just act normal. You're strange enough when you do.
Speaker 1:So that's the Dutch culture.
Speaker 2:People here in general could not care less. Some of them have some questions, or if I like it or if I'm able to do it full time and live from it. Simple questions, but that's about it.
Speaker 1:Like general curiosity.
Speaker 2:Yeah, general curiosity, yeah. So I went to London in November of 21, right after I left my ex, and that was my first solo trip and there was this guy who was following me and I really thought man, that's weird. And then I started seeing on Instagram that I had messages from a guy that was asking me where I was going in London. And I don't respond to that kind of stuff because I'm traveling solo, I don't tell people where I am. I was very smart. I posted pictures like at least 24 hours after I had left a place, because I'm very safe like that, and this guy was following me and I had to go back to my hotel because the next day I would leave. So I was just going to go back to the hotel, do some editing on my laptop and then maybe in the evening grab a bite and then the next day in the morning I would go. So I went to the hotel and thankfully England you always have, like even the smaller hotels you always have like a desk area where you enter and there's always a person there. So I told the person like I've been walking around London for five and a half hours, this guy who's currently standing outside the door. It's creeping me out, has been following me for about five hours now and I tried everything like go in the tube, go to a super random place that's not very touristy but still busy. Thankfully, on Google Maps you can see how busy a location is, so when you click, like at a restaurant, you can see if it's very busy or not at all. And I went to all the crowded, like busy places to make sure that I wouldn't be alone with this guy, because I didn't trust it. And so the girl at the desk she was like, oh, but that's not good. What do you do for a living? Is there a reason that he could be following you? And I was like, oh, but that's not good. What do you do for a living? Is there a reason that he could be following you? And I was like I'm a little bit of a youtuber.
Speaker 2:Back then I had about maybe 50, 45, 000, 50, 000 subscribers not even that much and she immediately called the cops. Cops came so they took him away and then she told me that she had called a different hotel and they would take me for the night because she didn't want the guy to like return to the hotel when the police would like release him and I would still be at the hotel so that he could be following me again. And so she at the back door. At the other hotel they arranged a taxi and everything. It was perfectly arranged and I felt so safe because of it. But I'm not sure if that would have happened if I wasn't a.
Speaker 2:YouTuber Right? No, I mean we women. We can be followed by weird guys 100%.
Speaker 1:But he knew who you were. Yeah, in some way shape or form. And if he messaged you on Instagram, he knew who you were in some way shape or form. And if he messaged you on Instagram, he knew who you were and you knew who he was. So obviously you block this person and you carry on. So that had to really be your first kind of like oh shit, this is real moment, yeah.
Speaker 2:And ever since.
Speaker 1:I've been. Well, that was my next question. So from then on, how do you approach travel on your own? Please do not put out any information there, obviously for your own safety. If there's something you don't want to talk about, please don't Use your discretion. But it's just. Again, this is along the lines. It's just baffling to me that if you have some sort of public figure position, people think you're like public property or something. It's bizarre, I do.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So nowadays when I travel I don't necessarily say where I'm going. Usually I do say like mention the country, say where I'm going. Usually I do say like, mention the country. I don't necessarily mention the city unless it's like Edinburgh and it's big enough and you can be safe. So I went to Scotland about two years ago on my own for about five days. I was in a very public area, my hotel and the pickups for all the tours that I was doing because I was doing all these Highland tours and like risky tours, you're in Scotland, what you gonna do so everything was very close to my hotel and there was a bar nearly next to the hotel, to the hotel, and they had 24 hour security, the 24 7 security, very nice. So the hotel has 24 7 security, that bar has 24 7 security and the pickup is like straight ahead, perfect. I didn't tell anyone I was there. I posted a picture at Loch Ness, of course, like you're at Loch Ness, of course, like you're at Loch Ness.
Speaker 2:But I was in a tour bus with like 35 other people and the tour bus was like going from place to place to place. So I don't care if I'm currently standing at Loch Ness taking a picture and posting it, because I know in 10 minutes the bus is going to go. Right, you're gone forever, I'm gone again. So that's, it's fine. But the moments that I was in Edinburgh, like in the city itself, I wouldn't post that I was there, I wouldn't post anything with the location, just nothing. People knew I was in Scotland. That's all they knew, because you have to be safe.
Speaker 2:I traveled with Kevin, my boyfriend. We went to Malta. We went there for about five days together and I've got friends in Malta and it's super small, like it's a really, really small island. You can go from one place to the other in, I think, less than 30 minutes. If traffic would be normal, traffic is like crazy there, but that's beside the point. Super small Island and I posted where we were when we were there. But I have this bodybuilder next to me. He's a big dude, he's got like massive arms and everything. I felt super safe. I was like let them come.
Speaker 1:Is your boyfriend you're referring to?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but like, let them come. Yeah, I got this massive guy next to me, I'll be safe, it's fine. But I also knew it's such a small island. You already have to be on the island because traveling there takes a while. And then even on the island, going from place to place, because traffic there is so crazy, it takes 20 as long, even though it's like a super short, normally five minute drive, and it takes you like 45 minutes because traffic is insane. So I knew by the time I had posted this and someone was able to come here, I was already gone, but at the same time I got my boyfriend with me.
Speaker 1:I'm safe, I'm fine, yeah Well, it's a different level of comfort, a difference yeah, and I think there's just a different level of comfort and security not traveling alone, like whether it's with you know, a girlfriend or a partner or a group of friends, or, yeah, you know. There's just that like extra accountability of like you know, I know, when I travel by myself, I'm like sending pictures of the Uber tags I'm going here, I'm going there. It's not that I feel like I need to check in, but I want him to know where I am and what my driver's name is and what the car I'm in or whatever it is that I'm doing, because I have been doing a lot more solo travel lately and luckily haven't run into anything crazy.
Speaker 2:But at the same time, like solo traveling, it reveals so much about yourself that you would never have realized it if you were with someone, because I've traveled with people and I've traveled alone. Traveling alone is such a different experience. It's so amazing Because you have to figure it out.
Speaker 1:Yes and I and you get to be in your own energy field the whole time, like if you want to sit down and you're like, no, I don't want this anymore, you get up and leave. You know, if you want to go here, if you want to stay some more five minutes, if you want to stay three hours, if you want to read a book, if you want to journal, there's something so freeing to be able to travel alone, especially visiting. I'm sure you've gone and visited ancient sites and you're just really able to connect with the energy of spaces when you're by yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, way more.
Speaker 1:Yeah, really special to that. Obviously love traveling with others as well, but, um, so what's really been? You know, putting yourself out there and all of these you know you have wonderful content, wonderful videos Um, what's really been a lot of the feedback. What's the feedback been like for you? You know, maybe from the time you started to now, how has it evolved? What is kind of a general consensus of you know what I'm intrigued by what people have to say about your channel and your show and you in general.
Speaker 2:Most people just enjoy the fact that I'm a woman doing this, talking about this, making difficult subjects easier to understand, because that's my main goal and I'm very grateful that most people understand my main goal of the channel because science is super difficult. My main goal of the channel, because science is super difficult. Reading a scientific paper or archaeological study, honestly, and I have to say it, it's the most boring thing in the entire world. Seriously, it's so boring. Even archaeologists and historians they all say this themselves it's the most boring stuff unless you get to like the very tiny good part that's the basis of the entire study. But, like, in general, it's boring and I try to make it more entertaining, I try to make it more lighthearted, way less jargon and if I can't go around the jargon, I try and explain what the jargon means or like why is it called that way? Or things like that, because most people probably have never heard of the jargon that's used in these scientific papers and it's so difficult to understand that.
Speaker 2:And I'm not from a scientific family. I don't have a scientific background. I did not go to college or university or however people want to call it. I'm a high school dropout and I say that with a certain level of pride, because my life wasn't easy and I therefore wasn't able to finish high school. It wasn't because I didn't have intelligence to do it, it's just that life at the time made it very difficult for me to focus on school, and so I flunked. And that's fine, because you don't necessarily need that basis to be able to do anything good with your life. You know, you can still reach beautiful things, and so I do have a certain level of intelligence that I decided to. One day maybe I should use that, should maybe be smart, but I don't know.
Speaker 2:It's. It's in general, people enjoy the fact that I do this. And then there's a group because, like, 90% of my viewers are men, and I don't have anything against men, I actually really kind of like them. I'm a very straight woman, so I mean, sorry, I like men, but there is a large group of men that watch me on YouTube and they don't like me. They don't like the fact that a woman is talking about history. They don't like the fact that I'm a woman with a female shaped body. How dare I have curves on like the chesticles area? It's, it's a thing. It's a thing, but I can't help it. People accuse me of being trans. People accuse me of having fake yeah. Yeah, I'm being transvesticated all the time. I don't understand why people think.
Speaker 2:I was born a man, even though I had a hysterectomy last year. Don't recommend, by the way any of their business, though, like I'm so confused I have broad shoulders and I have a little bit of a muscle, so do I like? So, therefore, I must be trans, apparently. But if I was trans I would not have needed that hysterectomy and life would have been so much right, right, that would have, really would have been a winner there really.
Speaker 2:But yeah, no, uh. So there's, there's a lot of sexualization going on because there's a group of men 40 plus and older that just can't handle the fact that I'm a woman talking history, and so they have to do all this nasty stuff in hopes to stop me from doing it, it seems. But yeah, it's not working for them because it's been five years and I'm still here.
Speaker 1:I'm kind of baffled by this. So what do they do? Do they just like harass you online, harass me? Are they reposting? Your stuff Like what is it?
Speaker 2:And what platforms?
Speaker 1:Because I feel like Xers are really, really like unconscious people. I'm sorry, like X people. Matt's a big on X. It's not for me. People on X do not like my content and I don't care Like they're like no one gives a shit about your life. I'm like okay. Then why did you comment Like, yeah, shit about your life. I'm like okay. Then why did you comment so yeah. So give me some examples. I'm curious.
Speaker 2:Like what and like why would you even watch? I guess I'm just like baffled by it. So on YouTube you can hide words so that if people type comments and they use those words, the comment immediately goes. It's filtered out. I can still, as creator, see the comments if I go into my hidden comments. So I had a video go kind of viral in 21. And I was wearing a shirt that had like sunglasses and then burka below. I've not like been comfortable wearing that shirt until like last week and it's been four years now, but I wore that shirt. That video went viral and it was all about my boobs in any way, shape or form that you can think you can spell boobs online in a comment. I've had them and they're currently hidden.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God.
Speaker 2:I had hundreds, like I didn't back then. I still had notifications on my phone, so my phone was going off 24, seven for four and a half weeks straight and nine out of 10 comments were about my boobs and men saying they wanted to do all this nasty stuff with me. And if I would say no, they would still do it. And I was like, if this is going viral online, I don't want it, I don't want it, right, I don't, I don't need this, I don't need that. No, men online think they can say anything and everything without any repercussions because they're hiding behind the screen yeah yeah, it's scary and, oh my god, some of them are persistent.
Speaker 2:so then you hide them on like youtube. You hide their account and everything, and then they start doing it on instagram, on x, x, on all the other apps. They go into my Discord. They harass me there. So I've got moderators on my Discord, I've got moderators on my YouTube and they will make sure that I'm safe. I've got a friend who is like actually deleting my hidden comment section every day so that I don't accidentally go in there and see the nasty stuff, because he's like no, you've done that for like four and a half years. Your mental health is declining. You need to not see that ever again. So I'll delete that for you, because sometimes you accidentally go there and it's like then you see it and you're confronted with the nasty and it's like you start looking at yourself differently when everyone's just talking about your boobs and your body shape. And I'm just a person, I wear t-shirts up until, like, I hit the neck, it's not like I never flaunt.
Speaker 2:I never flaunt what I got because that's not who I am as a person. I was harassed when I was super young I was 12 and I got this 40-year-old man telling me I got nice mountains and I just had like two itty bitty titties.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, okay, so that's trigger number one.
Speaker 2:First, of all. That's trigger number one. Yeah, but like that messes with you and then later on they get bigger and men always stare at them. So you start covering them up and that's what I feel good with. You know, I, in the summer I sometimes wear a dress and that's a little bit low cut, but still no cleavage, because I can't handle cleavage. In my mind, cleavage and I, we are not friends, like no.
Speaker 1:And you know, and that is really effing sad, because the female body is so beautiful. And yeah, I mean, there's enough women putting their shit online. Like what is the point of harassing you? Like I don't get it, I think. I think it's because you don't put it out there. You know what I mean? It's almost like can't they just go to only fans, or something? Or like there's a market for all of what they're doing.
Speaker 2:There's a market for that.
Speaker 1:Oh no, I posted something about Matt and I's podcast together on X and people were only it was insane. I had to just delete it. Um, but it is crazy to me that there is this much harassment the online platforms what do they do about it? Is there any justice for this? Can you report these people?
Speaker 2:Worst case, their account gets suspended or deleted, and then they just create another account.
Speaker 1:They're on to the next.
Speaker 2:Oh my god yeah, you know I get the only fans comments every single day, all day long on all platforms in my dms and everything. If I don't have a secret, only fans that I'm just hiding from everyone because everyone already knows that I have it and I'm like um, I would be a lot, a lot richer if I had only fans. Like at least like a lot, like a lot, like I wouldn't have to struggle paying certain bills and I do that.
Speaker 1:I really don't even understand what only fans is. Is it essentially just a platform where people like post their feet and shit for money, like that's what I don't know? Essentially just a?
Speaker 2:platform where people like post their feet and shit for money, like that's what I don't know, only fans is more like the, the, the D O R N, nikki, stuff. Sell your body. It's like it's, it's more like that, okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that's not for me, so no, but so it's like general pop can just put that stuff out there and that's how, oh yeah, this is so disturbing. And men are convinced.
Speaker 2:I have one and I'm like if I had one I would be paying my bills. Maybe you have a doppelganger Sorry, sorry, maybe that would be funny.
Speaker 1:Thankfully no.
Speaker 2:It's just weird to me, because they see a woman online and someone like me who has had like a little bit of a bigger chest it's not even that big, I mean it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:I mean you look completely proportionate to me. You don't look any. I mean I grew up, I did modeling, I did all this other stuff. I mean I don't feel you just have a normal, fit female body to me and it's not like it's. You know, like I said, there's a lot of people doing like extra to put things out there, whether it's on Instagram or YouTube or like, so why target someone who's just trying to freaking educate people?
Speaker 2:I don't understand the psychology behind that I think it has to do with the fact that I'm blonde. How dare I? I have boobs, how dare I have them at a certain size? Cause I'm not flat chested, I've got chesticles. I'm sorry, I'm a little bit lean. I'm not even as lean as I used to be, but like, still a little bit lean. I've got some muscle, I've got light eyes and I'm European. So it's like mostly American men 40 plus that harass me like this and say that I need to have an, only fans and all that stuff. It's mostly them.
Speaker 1:And you can tell demographically that it's Americans.
Speaker 2:But, like it's, I'm everything that they will never be able to attain. I'm out of their reach in like way more than just one way. So they resort to harassing me. Because how dare I exist not for their service, dare I?
Speaker 1:exist, not for their service.
Speaker 2:That's how it feels.
Speaker 1:That's so disturbing.
Speaker 2:But that's how it feels, because when you look at like European women, most men in certain countries and I think some of them in America, are like this not all of them, but I mean we all know it's not all of them, but I mean we all know it's not all of them, but, like some of them will be angry when they hear that some men because in their mind it's like you said, all men- well, guess what?
Speaker 1:that's their own shit. That's their own shit, and the way that they respond to it is their own inner stuff.
Speaker 2:That's their own guilty stuff and like if they feel affected by my words. That just means that you just outed yourself to the rest of the world. That's fine, dude, you do, you Congratulations. But it's like it's these men out of the States. They're 40 plus and they think all blonde European women are for sale. It's that simple because you have some women from like Eastern Europe that are indeed making themselves for sale for these men because they want to have a certain lifestyle and they want to have money and they come from like very poor upbringing and in their mind, that is their only way out. It's super sad, but they do exist. But not all blonde European women are like that. It's a super small percentage, like super, super small. But these men think that all blonde European women are for sale and there's a disconnect. When I was young, you had like maybe one or two porn stores, like actual stores, where people would go and they would buy or rent porn or things like that. Nowadays it's everywhere, all the damn time.
Speaker 1:Really, even with the internet the way it is.
Speaker 2:It's just porn. 90% of the internet, I feel, is just porn at this point. Yeah, it's nasty. It's not my thing. I never watch it because I don't feel okay with it.
Speaker 1:I've never felt okay with it. Well, again it's dehumanizing. I personally feel like it's dehumanizing and it's sad. I don't know what made you feel like you needed to do that for validation and worthiness, like I, don't know it just breaks my heart, to be honest.
Speaker 2:But for me too, but I I also see that it is affecting men way more than it is affecting us women in like when it comes to looking at sex and looking at love. Well, because it desensitizes connection.
Speaker 1:It desensitizes connection. It desensitizes connection. It desensitizes connection. It desensitizes intimacy. It makes it where. It's like a material, like something you do, not someone you are. Like there's not a person behind. Like you know, we started out talking about the person behind the YouTube video. Like poor girl behind that screen, like what? Oh, it's just heartbreaking. But you're, I feel like you really hit the nail on the head with that. It's like it really desensitizes the fact that those are real, that we're other, we're real people. You know, I mean, like yourself, I have always been muscular and blonde and, like, had a female body shape and but just because I want to wear a dress or a swimsuit doesn't mean that I'm like your personal effing property that you can look at or give you permission to like it's disgusting and, um, it's interesting.
Speaker 1:My husband and I have had this conversation for many years and you know he's like well, did you see that person? I'm like, no, like. I have trained myself for 30 years I'm 40, for 30 years to block it out, because if I paid attention to everyone I thought was looking at me or you know, it would make me feel so gross. And so again, like, like, I'm not a person like I'm not like and it's just so sad, I think, even raising a daughter and having teenage girls around and actually just watched this show on Netflix the other night. I turned it on, I had to turn it off.
Speaker 1:Bad influence. Have you watched that? I've heard of it, I've not watched it yet. The mom that managed these young kids and like literally sending her daughter's panties to old men Like I'm like, what is what is happening? And so, from your perspective, like being in this scene of you know, having all of these followers and I'm glad that you say the majority of them are polite and love your content but then you have this bubble of people that are really like to be I have no other words other than gross and extreme. Like yeah, but like how do you protect yourself from that?
Speaker 2:like it's hard even I wasn't always good at it. Yeah, I wasn't always good at it Because, like I said, I would very often accidentally end up in the hidden comments or the comments wouldn't be well hidden, like YouTube would like to let them slip through or give me a notification even though I've got my notifications turned off.
Speaker 2:But yeah, things like that do happen still. But yeah, things like that do happen still, even now. And every time it happens, I feel so grossed out I can barely look at myself in the mirror. Usually I take a very, very long hot shower Right, wash it away, but at the same time, I try and protect myself. So I hide everything. I hide the words, I block the people. I have moderators. I have a team of people that I. They're all my friends like.
Speaker 2:We became friends throughout me doing YouTube, but they're here and they help me out with moderation.
Speaker 2:They remove comments, they block people and they all do it because they want to help me keep my mental health safe, so that I can keep creating videos, because I've been at the point of I don't want to do this anymore for a couple of times throughout the years, and it's hard coming back from that because at the same time, youtube changed my life. It made everything better. I had a very shitty life and YouTube started to go off and, even though it was dark and bleak for a time, I made it the best that I could, and I now earn my money from doing YouTube and I'm no longer on disability pay and I'm no longer someone who's just doing this at the government and saying give me money every month. I'm making my own and I changed my life through that. But that doesn't make it easy at the same time. So I'm grateful. But it's so double-sided because of it the negativity I don't want to let it win, but at the same time, it sometimes does Right.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and you know, whether that's doing like your YouTube channel or even getting up in public and doing public appearances or speaking, and just knowing you know, I guess we all put ourselves at risk some way or another. You know, and you just really have to stay focused on it. I know one thing I try to really say it's funny. I noticed my body language changed as we were talking about that. I started to like curl up and feel cringy and I'm like, okay, like I'm wiping it away. There's no creepers right now, like. But it's interesting how, subconsciously, when we talk about that as females, we, you know, we want to curl in ourselves small.
Speaker 1:Right and I feel like we are. I feel like it's a really interesting and special time in history right now that we do have more of a voice than ever. We have all of these different platforms where we can speak our truth and you know, and whether people are really listening or not to our true intrinsic intention. I have really tried to convince myself it's none of my business, because I'm doing it from a place of compassion, of, like, intentionally getting information out there and if it hits one person, then that's. I've done my duty for the day. Like, if each one of my podcasts affects one person, and usually I'll get some comments or something and I'll understand that it does. But just staying true to your roots, like remembering why you started doing it in the first place, one thing I like to really try to do when I do this in big energetic events is create my little light bubble around me. So if you're going to open the internet, some comments might come your way. You know what I'm going to put my little light bubble around me. So if you're going to open the internet, some comments might come your way. You know what I'm going to put my little light bubble around me. They're not going to affect me and knowing that. And it's really hard for me to have compassion for creepers like that. I'm a really good compassionate person but when you're just being downright weird and sexualizing, I just know that's boundaries. That yeah, not so much compassion for that, but knowing that that person has their own conditioning and their own traumas and their own stuff that has led them to a place in their life where they feel like it's just okay to talk to people this way. That's kind of what I would never do it but reach out to them and be like what happened to you in your life, to where you feel like it is okay to behave this way, like and treat people this way. Like you know what happened to treating everyone like you want to be treated, like what happened to just being a kind person and being mindful of people's spirits and their hearts and their intentions, and like you're literally someone passionate about history and education and, like you said, you've transitioned your life into being something beautiful and probably bigger than you ever thought it would be. I mean, 240,000 followers is not for the weak. I mean you've really worked diligently to create this beautiful life for yourself and the value behind that. I hope that you know in your hearts of hearts that the majority of those people are in it because you're doing a great thing. Like, not all of them are that percentage of weirdos, because I think in those moments where it feels really big, we can go down that rabbit hole right.
Speaker 1:It's like, oh my God, are all these people? Like what is their attention? Are they really listening to me or are they just looking at me? Are they really understanding? I mean, honestly, that's why, for the first year of my podcast, I'm like I don't want it on YouTube. Like I want to be heard and not seen. For the first time in my life, I want people to hear me, not see me, and I was very adamant about it. And then I was like, okay, whatever, like if you guys want to put it all out there, the content's there, put it all out there. But that's something that I really had to get my head and my heart wrapped around, like, do I even want that? Because I don't want to draw any more attention like that to my life or myself or my family or my you know it's like I don't know. We live in this society where you feel like you should have all the security in the world, but we're so like disconnectedly connected that we forget that we're all humans.
Speaker 2:But also when you like. When you put it out on a platform like YouTube, you're actually opening yourself up to that Right exactly.
Speaker 1:The bad stuff Right, and you just have to do it, knowing that that's out there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand why some people say never look at comments on YouTube. I really do, I do, but also, at the same time, I often get people that comment things like you're one of the few people on YouTube that responds or gives a heart or actually likes my comment back, and at the same time, I also wanted to make the channel to have that certain type of connection with people.
Speaker 1:Right and like-minded people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly so it's such a double-edged sword and I hate the fact that it is that way because it shouldn't have to be. You know what I mean. It shouldn't have to be. I shouldn't have to diminish myself, even if I sat in a bag of potatoes, like dress, things like that. I mean Marilyn Monroe showed Doesn't matter what you wear, you still get the creepers, you still get all of it. Get all of it because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I sit there in a hoodie, it doesn't matter if I sit there in a bikini and I get the bikini comments like every single day like people asking you to wear your bikini?
Speaker 2:yeah, why don't? Why don't I do my videos in a bikini and I'm like um, because I'm talking about history. What has a bikini to do with? Like these stones that they discovered stacked, and like turkey? Like what? Why, what? I don't see it.
Speaker 1:Oh, but it's not the purpose.
Speaker 2:Well, you go to a porn site if you want to have high candy. Well, that I think is my point?
Speaker 1:Like, why pick on you when there are so many other resources out there for these people? I think that is like, can we just redirect you guys to these other places, because there are plenty of outlets out there. And it is just baffling to me, I think, that people choose to pick on you like this. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I should probably start responding with just a linked Pornhub. Seriously, here go to this, enjoy yourself, but be away.
Speaker 1:Right, but not to feed the beast in the meantime, I mean. And so how? How does this affect your relationship? If you don't mind me asking, like, how does your significant other respond to this? How does he really manage and cope with it? Because I know that, you know it can be a struggle when people are he's not aware.
Speaker 2:He's not aware of most of it, probably because I don't necessarily share everything with him Because I don't feel like it's necessary to share with him unless I'm struggling that day. But at the same time, if I'm out and we're just having a good time, we're at a bar or at a festival or things like that, and men are creepy towards me, even though they don't know if I'm a YouTuber or not, it doesn't matter. But if men are creepy, he always stands up. He's always got my back, he's always making sure that I'm okay, I feel safe. So at the same time, I know he will be there for me if I need him.
Speaker 2:But I don't want to bother him with the fact that these creeps online exist, because it's not his fault. Why should I drag him down because of them? I don't want them to affect him. So I've got these people that, like they moderate, and I've got my friend who deletes my hidden comments so that I don't even see it and I'm no longer affected by it and so at this point in time, we both are not affected by it.
Speaker 2:But at the same time, yeah, there were some moments where I look very differently towards my body because I don't feel secure in it anymore.
Speaker 1:And that's ridiculous, because you have skin, and that's it hurts my heart so bad because, a as a female, we're hard enough on ourselves. We're brutal on ourselves, you know. And B like females have beautiful bodies Sorry, guys, but we have beautiful curves, like I get it. I get why you like us. However, we should feel secure in our bodies and celebrate them, and I don't really. You know, it takes a lot of work to get to the point to do that, and a lot of processing and overcoming a lot of like just because I want to feel beautiful and feminine in my body doesn't give you permission to cross boundaries. So it's like setting those healthy boundaries and knowing that. Trust me, having a teenage daughter, I am terrified for her with the first few, you know, boundaries crossed, or it's just, oh, I don't even like to think about it, because in her lifetime it's going to happen. I mean it's going to. And men too. I mean not to discount this happens to men as well.
Speaker 1:I kind of joke with Matt and I'm like I kind of joke with Matt, I'm like do you have any stalkers? And he's like I don't know. I'm like do you have any stalkers? He gets lots of hair comments, but true, though, because I mean they can be just as brutal. I just don't feel like it's as predominant. So what are you like?
Speaker 1:What are some of the things that you do in your own time? Like, do you journal to process through? Like, do you have any sort of like system or way that you just shed you said you took really long hot showers like any way that you kind of shed this energy from your life just to stay grounded and present in the work that you're doing? And, um, because I think that's super pivotal and no matter what kind of line of work you're doing is just doing something to rid the excess but also process it and navigate through it at the same time. And maybe you're you're not yet and and you want to, but just curious of like, maybe some things that you do that other people might be able to do, that help you.
Speaker 2:I usually take a long walk, like a good hot hot shower for like a good 20-30 minutes and then after that a nice long walk in nature, because I always feel like I can only ground myself in nature, yeah, cause like I need a breeze and I need to hear some birds around me and I need to see some animals and just hear maybe some waves crashing on, like anything like that. Just nature sounds and actually being outside, just listening to nature sounds when I'm inside, doesn't work like that.
Speaker 1:No, I don't work like that either. I want to be out there, I want to immerse myself in it, even like Sunday.
Speaker 2:In winter it's so difficult because in the Netherlands our rain season starts in September and then it starts to like really cool down and it goes to around freezing below freezing in December, january, february, and then in March we usually have like the well, it's, it's above freezing, you know, it's below, it's about.
Speaker 1:No, it's below maybe you should just start coming to to Florida during that time period and that's why we have snowbirds. In the US we have snowbirds, people, that go up north for half the year. They come down South for half the year to avoid that that gap.
Speaker 1:But I agree, there is something but being in nature regulates your nervous system, so, but it's really hard to do that when it's frigid, cold outside. That has your nervous system, like you know. And where are the birds? Birds have all flown away, like, where are the leaves? The leaves are all gone. It's like can't put my feet in the grass. So what do you do in the winter? Is it just more of a difficult time?
Speaker 2:more of a difficult time. For sure, horizontal rain is not a thing you want to walk in. No, really not, and it's cold and it's so nasty and I hate it. But no, in the winter I usually I watch more, uh, fantasy shows, so like wheel of time, uh, my old, like supernatural vampire diaries, things that I've watched already in the past, just to like, regulate my system and just take you away a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And then I read way more and I just try and be mindful of the fact that it's going to pass. All the feelings that I'm currently feeling are going to pass. The winter and the depressiveness and the gray, cloudy sky that's here for like six, seven months of the year it's gonna pass, everything's gonna pass. Just breathe, because before I know it, it's gonna be April or May and the sun's here and everything's gonna be good again. So, even like with the weather, but also with like the, the stuff online, just keep breathing. That's, I think, the most important thing that I keep saying to myself. No matter what happens, it's going to be okay, it's going to pass. Whatever I'm feeling, even your feelings of happiness, everything passes. So it's fine. Just keep breathing, because you're going to go through this and you're going to be at the other side and you're going to look back and you're going to think I survived, that I just kept breathing, and you can just keep doing that. I think that's the best advice I can give to people.
Speaker 1:I love that and I mean, and that's a huge, like I think I mentioned to you before, but I'm on the board of this nonprofit resilient retreat and we provide free programming, actually virtual programming too, so that could time, time-wise, if it worked out, that could be a fun winter project for you because we do, like you know, um, guided meditations and different, you know, different fun events. I do like a journal, empowerment journaling and just ways to process through and get through that and it's all of you talking about. This has really made me realize I take for granted living somewhere that's beautiful year round, because I really do feel like I'm solar powered and I probably would not survive if it were gray for six months out of the year. So that, or longer even. But thank you for sharing that and that's huge because by connecting with our breath, I mean it forces us to go inward, it makes us connect to ourselves at a level that you know what I'm here, I'm alive, I'm well, I'm breathing, I'm here and usually actually I taught a yoga class this morning and one of the exercises I have them do is place a hand over their heart and a hand over their belly and just close their eyes and just connect, really feel the rhythm of your heartbeat and really connect to the rise and the fall of your belly.
Speaker 1:And I remind them, you can come back to this space. It doesn't matter where you are, as long as you have two hands, a heart and a belly and breath that you can come back to this space. And I found myself like if it's a big, giant event, like I'll go in the bathroom and just be like like, just take a minute, it totally settles my system rewiring. So when all those nasty comments pop up and all this other stuff, like that's a really great tool. So thank you for reiterating that I'm. I'm down with it, with the connecting in nature and all the things, and I would love to have you. We'll have to spend like some time next time you come back to the States.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the last time you had a couple of days we'll have to.
Speaker 1:I'll show you the rope, show all my favorite nature places and maybe even do a retreat while you're in town. I'll have to like plan around you being here and so we can. We can do some all the fun woo woo stuff I'll show you. I'll show you the ropes of all my fun stuff around here.
Speaker 1:But um, yeah, and um you know, kaylee, I really appreciate you coming on and you know it's a little different, doing a little different today, but I think it's just spread such awareness and you know, I really um love how empowered you are to continue your journey with your history with Kaylee is wonderful, like, don't let this shit stop. You Like that's what, like you're built for it and understanding like other people's stuff that's them Um, you know, and just I, kudos to you and honestly I am surprised you saved that shirt, but I kind of love that you did Um, and if you ever want to do a retreat and journal about it all, we can burn the shirt. It'll be fun and you can just let that shit go. We'll have a shirt burning. I do journal burning and then we'll let all the shit behind the shirt. We're going to burn it, we're going to let it go.
Speaker 2:Oh, when I left my ex. I had all these pictures and journals and everything from like. We were nearly 10 years together and he was very toxic and abusive. I left him and everything that reminded me of him. I threw it on a pile in my grandpa's backyard and I just lit it and I just looked at it burn and I was like you know what? I'm closing this book and I'm opening a new one, a new chapter and a new life. This is me and that's what I did in October of 21.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I love that, I love that for you. And here we are I mean four years later, almost, but thank you so much. It's been so great and I love. I really hope that some of my listeners check out your stuff. I mean, you have amazing content and I always learn a lot because, like you said, you really.
Speaker 1:Yes, we need ladies rallying the ladies. History with Kaylee YouTube. You're also on Facebook and all the other platforms, but I'll put a little link there too, because, like you explained earlier, you explain it in such a way that it's like, oh yeah, and it's. You know, some of us probably forget half this stuff. I'm kind of in tune with it because you know it's Matt's thing, so I hear it from the hubs, but thing, so I hear it from the hubs. But yeah, it's really really great content and you're a really great person and I appreciate you and don't let all the bleh out there dull your sparkle girlfriend. I appreciate you. Thank you so much for being here today.