Krystel Clear
In this podcast you will experience my unique approach to healing, happiness and following my souls purpose. My intention is to provide a platform that aims to guide and support individuals on their journey towards personal growth, inner healing, spiritual enlightenment or just taking the right steps to reach your highest potential!
My goal is to create a thought provoking, safe and nurturing space for listeners to explore various topics. Healing, self-discovery, mindfulness, wellness, empowerment, accountability, the raw truths of life, love and overcoming everyday obstacles.
I will have my tribe of healing coaches, doctors, colleagues and peers joining me to discuss their journeys in hopes of bringing enlightenment and empowerment to your world.
Life can be messy so let’s talk about that and the worthiness, forgiveness and compassion it takes to face our darkness and shine our light!
I hope this podcast validates your feelings, gives you the permission needed to share your voice, speak your truth and navigate your own journey with strength and perseverance.
**This podcast does not supplement any mental health or medical advice from practitioners. It’s a guiding tool providing resources from my own personal life experiences. The intention is to shed light and love onto the lives of others. You are not alone**
Krystel Clear
Divine Alignment & Transformative Soulutions with Tammy Valicenti
The moment we truly heal isn't when everything becomes perfect—it's when we finally grant ourselves permission to be human. In this soul-stirring conversation with trauma specialist Tammy Valicenti, we journey beyond traditional healing modalities into the realm of genuine transformation.
Tammy introduces us to her unique "transformation solution" approach, a powerful blend of EMDR and Internal Family Systems therapy. While many practitioners offer one or the other, Tammy's experience revealed that combining these methodologies creates something far more potent than either alone. She guides us through how bilateral stimulation can bypass our overthinking minds, allowing our bodies to process what our conscious awareness might resist.
What began as a discussion about therapeutic techniques quickly evolves into profound reflections on divine timing, authentic connection, and the courage required to face our deepest patterns. We share surprisingly parallel journeys of shedding alcohol from our lives, discovering how this seemingly social habit was actually dulling our intuition and keeping our lives comfortably small. As Tammy beautifully expresses, "Without alcohol, I didn't know where the edge was"—capturing how sobriety expanded both our worlds in unexpected ways.
Perhaps the most moving segment explores how shame operates differently than guilt. While guilt says "I did something wrong," shame whispers "I am wrong at my core." Through Tammy's compassionate approach, we learn how to have conversations with these wounded parts of ourselves, liberating them from the past stories they've been carrying. This work isn't about perfection—it's about transformation through connection, curiosity, and the willingness to give ourselves space.
Whether you're navigating trauma, questioning your relationship with alcohol, or simply feeling called to live more authentically, this episode offers both practical wisdom and spiritual nourishment. As Tammy reminds us in her parting words: "There's nothing that is beyond transformable if you give it space."
Ready to explore your own divine alignment? Share your thoughts about this episode or connect with us about your healing journey.
Thank you for joining me today. Please know that this podcast and the information shared is not to replace or supplement any mental health or personal wellness modalities provided by practitioners. It’s simply me, sharing my personal experiences and I appreciate you respecting and honoring my story and my guests. If something touched your heart please feel free to like, share and subscribe. Have a beautiful day full of gratitude, compassion and unconditional love.
What's up everyone, welcome to this episode of Crystal Clear. We have a special guest not a local guest today, which I'm really excited Tammy Valicenti. So welcome, tammy, thank you, it's a joy to be here. Yes, I'm excited to talk about divine alignment and divine timing. She reached out to my KB at Crystal Clear email. We had a conversation and she's like well, where are you? You know where I'm? Like Sarasota. She's like well, I'm going to be in Tampa in a couple of weeks and I'm like well, let's do it.
Speaker 2:So here we are, divine timing. I love it.
Speaker 1:Divine timing, and so tell us a little bit about what you do. What is it that?
Speaker 2:I hate to even ask what do you do? It's like, what is your? What brought you here today? Well, I mean, ultimately it's my calling and doing what I absolutely love to do. I specialize in what I call transformation solution, which is a psychotherapy that specializes in specifically combining EMDR protocols with IFS or internal family systems protocols with IFS or internal family systems protocols, and it's more transformative and effective than any one of those. So when we combine them, they go really deep, really fast, and it's really a short-term process, right yeah.
Speaker 1:I love that and I'm familiar with what EMDR is and internal family systems because I've done all kinds of deep trauma healing for myself. But if you could take a moment to kind of explain to the audience what that is and kind of why it would be utilized in life.
Speaker 2:Sure. So EMDR stands for eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing, and it was developed by Dr Francine Shapiro about 35 years ago and she realized that when she moved her eyes back and forth and thought about something disturbing, that became less disturbing. So she got really curious about it and developed this EMDR protocol, which is really effective for trauma and other things panic, anxiety, things like that. It involves talking about what happened to you Sometimes you don't even have to, which is great and then adding bilateral stimulation, meaning any back and forth stimulation on your body could be eye movements, could be tapping back and forth, and that's super effective, like I said before, for trauma.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and when I did that, actually I had little clickers yes, like I did the eye, but I also had like little clickers, so I was going back and forth and talking and clicking. It was great. My ADD really loved it.
Speaker 2:It can be really calming. Yeah, For me. I loved it.
Speaker 1:I was like made a game out of it. And then I'm like, ok, I'm supposed to be focusing on, focusing on the stuff.
Speaker 1:But I found that it really did make you feel kind of like, if anything, it helped me turn off my mind. Yes, it helps you kind of disconnect from the voice in the head Right and lets you release what you needs to be released, like you said, without all the kind of the shit coming all up, right, right, and what's really great about it, it's a real, it's a real somatic moment modality, like you said, it gets.
Speaker 2:It gets you out of your head and once you're down in your body, now you can really process in a way that talk therapy is not going to do, right.
Speaker 2:But you also do that. Yes, I also do that. So we add in some IFS to that and I found over the years that in my practice at EMDR was effective to a certain point. And there were, there were these things I kept bumping up against in treatment in my own and with my clients and so I added some parts work in. You know, back in the day it was called kind of like inner child work, um, and Dick Schwartz made the parts work really quite famous and more um, more spiritual and deeper than than just simply parts work. So I kind of weave some of that in. Okay, so when I hear something like a part of me is feeling we'll go right for that and then we'll interface and interact with that part. Where do you feel it in your body? What do you notice? What does it need to tell you? What does it want to show you? What does it need from you?
Speaker 1:And need to let go.
Speaker 2:Right? Yes, does it want to show you what does it need from you and need to let go of right? Yes, absolutely yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I feel like I mean, I know I kind of grew up in the you just work through it, you push it down, you go. You know whether it was conditioned from my environment or from myself with like athletics and stuff. It was like, oh, I'm feeling this, I just gotta push through, just got to push through, I just got to run through it, shake it off, and then I got to a point of like stillness and I was like, okay, it's all coming up, what's happening? Just so happened to be postpartum, so it was like double layer, um, which is when I dove super deep into healing my own trauma and understanding my patterns and and all of that. So tell us a little bit about the internal family systems, like what, the IFS? How does that really show up in practice? What would that look like?
Speaker 2:So it's really.
Speaker 2:It's really the belief that we are all different parts, that we don't just have this one kind of ego or one state, but that we do have this, this self, that we're born with capital S self, which is, whatever language you want to use, divine, aligned spirit, soul, god, and that that part of us is perfect, connected and aligned.
Speaker 2:Like I said before. And everything else emotions, sensations in the body, any patterns, those can be parts that are working really hard for us, to protect us, to help us, and oftentimes they are getting in the way of us feeling ease and peace. So, for example, if one part is working really hard and it's always doing something for us to feel better maybe it's a, my go-to is anger that part is a little too loud. So, like an orchestra, you want to get that part to play nicely with everything else, and the way to do that is to get in touch with it, with the self, and get closer to it. It's kind of counterintuitive. You'd think that by getting closer to something that's wreaking havoc on our lives or creating barriers or something else, that it would make it stronger or louder. It's the opposite as we make contact, then we can heal it.
Speaker 1:Right, I mean I kind of think of that. As you know, you think of a screaming child Like what do we do? We approach them with compassion and care and understanding and it settles their system, it settles their mindset and it's like, oh, okay, well, I am safe, now I can let whatever is upsetting me go, or I can, you know. So that's what came up for me when you were saying that, like just thinking that, because I mean healing is scary. Let's just think of it. Depending on what you've gone through, I've done a lot of different trauma and resiliency trainings and things like that, and programming for Resilient Retreat, where we do survivor's programs, so people that have survived trauma and abuse, but we also have, like, helping professions. So it's very, you know, different dynamic. You have to kind of know your audience. Sometimes we have rentals, people just like you and I, busy business owners that want to come in and have a woosah day and do some programming. But it's interesting because I feel like it always goes deep in some way or another, and it's.
Speaker 1:You know, it may not start out that way. You know, we're doing a journaling program and maybe one person speaks up and talks about why they're there, Right, but then by the end of the one hour most people have said something.
Speaker 2:That's incredible.
Speaker 1:Whether it's just like I'm grateful for being here and I always like to tell them you know, this is not for me, this is for you. If something's too deep, write it down, take it with you, circle back. There are resources out there, but it's just giving ourselves permission to face it, yes, but face it with courage and compassion.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and what you're talking about is connection, and once we can connect with others, connect with ourselves. That's really where the healing happens.
Speaker 1:Exactly, and I know we talked about this kind of our get to know each other call, but I loved it. Your approach is kind of similar to mine, like with the empowerment coaching. It's like you know we could have one session and I tell it kind of tell you to give yourself permission to do what you need to do and that's it. Or we may talk weekly for two years. It just depends on the level of accountability, the level of you know depth people. You know where they want to go, what they want to do in their life and what their goals are.
Speaker 1:But I always looked at that, even with my background in fitness is you know it's my job as a coach or a you know practitioner, or you know a resource for people to give them the tools and the resources they need to succeed.
Speaker 1:Like I have four children, I don't have room for all the things all the time. I have to A take care of myself first, because I realized that is a necessity. But really setting people up for success and that doesn't necessarily like some people, I've even been like, wow, I'm really hearing you and I understand where your heart is, what your goals are and I think this person is going to be a great fit for you. I don't even think I'm the coach, you know, and owning that like it's coming from a place where, wow, I know the perfect fit for you, I feel like it's almost a gift of like connections. I think that is one of my literally one of my life purposes. I had a lunch with someone this week and it was like, wow, you have to meet X, y and Z and even same when I was talking to you.
Speaker 1:I'm like, oh my gosh, so many things, so many people I have to connect you with. But that, I think, is key, and you express that as well. So tell us a little bit about like what it would look like. What is it you do? You do retreats and things as well, and I do different collaborations.
Speaker 2:I do individual psychotherapy, I also do intensives, which can be, you know, two hours three hours or three days, and I also offer retreats with my retreat partner, Ilana Siegel, and we do a retreat called Women who Want More and it is going in to rise up and it's going deep to expand and pushing to the edges of our fears. And I really see in the work in these retreats and in my sessions that I am simply the guide. I just am guiding you into your body.
Speaker 1:You have everything you need inside of you and through the process, without telling you that, through the process, that realization unfolds and it's really being the conduit, just like a massage therapist or I had someone a craniosacral therapist it's giving that, holding the space, yes, yes, holding them the space, giving them a safe place to be like. You can do this, right, right, because all you know there's, we all have life that we've lived, there's always been, there's been conditions, there's been teachers or environmental factors that have you maybe shut our voices down or not allowed us to or given us the full permission to be our authentic selves Absolutely. And there is so much power in that, not an egoic power, but like a personal authentic power and being like I have a voice and it matters Absolutely. And it doesn't matter what's happened to me, everything's happened to everyone. Like everyone has their shit, like everyone has unprocessed life, everyone has all the things. It's a matter. It's like I actually did a podcast.
Speaker 1:What are you going to do about it, right, right, it's like now the ball is in your court. What are you going to do about it, right? You about it? Right? Deny it, ignore it Right, face it, run for it, charge, you know, take charge of it and just see where it leads.
Speaker 1:And I feel like I'm in a place right now where dove deep into my own healing, really kind of reevaluated life, got into a different place, started the podcast sharing it, which turned into this beautiful empowerment business and retreats and all this other stuff. And now I'm like my goal for the past two years actually has been I'm just going to see where it goes, surrendering to the flow, see what comes up, all of these beautiful connections and all these things have been happening. So it's like, okay, this is flowing in a really cool direction. That's amazing and I'm going to let it flow as long as it's supposed to, but then knowing when to pull back, you know there's been things that come up that it's like that doesn't feel like it's an alignment. I don't have the space for that right now, right. So I think that that's something. I don't know if you experienced this as well when you first got into your practice and you're like, oh, like it's a shiny new thing, like this looks fun.
Speaker 2:I want to go here, I want to do this, I want to do this.
Speaker 1:And then you're like, oh okay, too much, overwhelmed.
Speaker 2:Overwhelmed yes to all the things.
Speaker 1:Doesn't feel like some don't feel in alignment. It's exhausting me. So how do you and I'm sure you run into this with the ladies that you work with in retreats and whatnot how would you kind of guide someone through that? Because I think that's a really it's a big step when you're starting something new, starting a business, starting a new journey with a sober life or healed you know, like healing journey or new career, how to teach, navigate that balance right.
Speaker 2:I think it's talking to helping that person talk to the part that's driving that bus right, the person that's always saying yes. Maybe it's helping that person talk to the part that's driving that bus Right, the person that's always saying yes. Maybe it's a people pleaser, maybe it's the part that is doing things all day, like I think you had mentioned earlier, so that if I stop, what am I going to feel? That feels overwhelming, right, right. So, gently, getting really curious, as you said, with some compassion, and what does that part need for me? What is that part story? And so slowing down and understanding that, I think, is definitely part of that process, and then that allows that part to step back a little bit and the authentic self to show up more about what do I want to really say yes to? Now that voice is a little louder, right.
Speaker 1:I'm creating that open space Right. That's one thing I've really been really trying to set my boundaries on for myself is, when something falls off, not filling the space If I have a cancellation if I have something that shifts over the weekend, if I have like okay, well, sometimes it's like, oh wow, now I can fit this thing that I've really been wanting to do in there, but not filling it with busy work. I feel like there's a difference there.
Speaker 1:Like something clears my day. Ooh, I'm going to go take a walk because I know that that's going to fill me up for the rest of the day, instead of I'm going to plug in six meetings in two hours. Just little tidbits. I really emphasize to intentionality. Yes, having that.
Speaker 2:Intentionality is a word a lot, so I've been actually trying to cut back on using it because I feel like I use it in every podcast ever, but it's true.
Speaker 1:No, it's perfect because it wasn't me saying it, but really being intentional and setting you know at first. I think it's great to be open because that's how you figure out what direction it is you want to take. Right, I agree, but how did you get into all this? Like that makes me curious. Like how did this path start for you? What did it? What did you know? Your previous life or path look like.
Speaker 2:Oh, it was so circuitous, I have to say, but in a way it wasn't because at a very young age middle school or younger I was called to do this. I wanted to be a child psychologist initially and I really think, looking back at that young, at that young me, I was looking to save myself. Honestly, being raised in an alcoholic family of origin and being really lost, emotionally neglected in so many ways I was looking for an out, I was looking for connection. I didn't know it at the time. Anyway, I did end up going to get my degree to be a therapist, but the path that I took was more again, I kept getting pulled more of a calling, not a profession, not what I think I should do, but really what made sense viscerally.
Speaker 2:And so I was called to work with domestic violence, rape and sexual assault. And then, in working with trauma, I realized I can't do that without understanding addiction Right. So I did some of that and all along the way I'm doing, doing my own work Right, and I bet that was so healing too, incredible, yeah, incredible. And for me EMDR was, was, was limiting as well.
Speaker 2:And so I was looking for something else and talk therapy wasn't doing it. I knew I had to kind of shift things on a visceral level. So after my EMDR therapist for a while, maybe two found an IFS therapist, learned that that was absolutely transformative for me at that point. So doing my own work along the way really informed how I work with people. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, and I think for most of us that have these passions to help and do things, it's from our own life experience.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Very similar Like.
Speaker 1:I grew up around substance abuse of all different kinds, lost my father at a very young age, so kind of lived through secondary grief and just, you know, and as an empath and as a you know, a feeler, a responder I don't know if you've done life languages, but I'm like a very high responder influence, remover personality. So it was like, oh, I'm feeling everyone's junk, what am I going to do with it? But it really it's interesting that you say you knew from a young age I was like I want to go to school for psychology and I want to help gymnasts and dancers not go down the same eating disorder path. And then I started taking psychology classes and I'm like this is not for me right now. And so I did exercise science instead, which at the time now looking back I realized was my coping mechanism, like exercise and moving my body. That was how I coped, that was how I got through a life of you know now knowing it was CPTSD.
Speaker 1:I didn't know then because I felt great, because I was balancing it with all the good hormones from exercise and moving my body. And you know, and found a way yeah, found a way to. Um, brain scans with Dr and found a way. Yeah, found a way to brain scans with Dr Amen 2021. And then get them, get them again in 2023 after diving deep into these different modalities and I don't have PTSD anymore Incredible.
Speaker 1:That was, like my whole purpose for this podcast is just bringing people about that have have all these different resources and tools and life experiences, and letting people know they're not alone. No, no, we've all gone through something of the sort.
Speaker 2:Resources and tools and life experiences and letting people know they're not alone.
Speaker 1:No, no, We've all gone through something of the sort. Right, it's true. It's true, Whether it's and through that, like you said, going through understanding what addiction was, understanding the psychology behind these different types of life situations we get into, these different types of life situations we get into it allowed me to heal and forgive and let go of so many, so much shit. That wasn't mine. I was carrying, Like I was carrying all the things generational stuff from all sides and, you know, now realizing that, but also made me realize I have to reevaluate my own life and make a pivot for my own family. So it was, you know, my husband and I, prior to the world shutting down and me being pregnant in 2020 and having a baby in the middle of the pandemic wow, I know we were.
Speaker 1:I feel like our life was like glamorized, Like I would travel with them to New York and Vegas and Atlanta and all these you know fun places where we would like sip and chop. And you know this life where we had our older kids like half the time, so we would travel when we didn't have them and back and then, once our son was born and we had to, you know, live full-time parenthood life. Um, it wasn't glamorous anymore. We tried to get back to the old ass. At first it was a shit show. I'm not going to lie. Like it was. I was postpartum. I was trying to get my body chemistry and physique back to normal and you know, my husband had these different opportunities and it was just I'm like we can't. We can't do this. Like we really hit like a rock bottom part in our life and that's kind of what. Like we did the brain scans and stuff. It was the best thing we could have ever done for ourselves.
Speaker 1:Because it was like A drinks are gone. We can't do this anymore. It's not worth it. Yeah, I'm like, I'm not, it's not fun and it's not glamorous.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:And what was it doing to our nervous system? So me seeing my brain scan him, seeing his Incredible Understanding what it was doing to our bodies internally, yeah, which I had never really been, you know, a drinker, partied much but, like I said, was it was glamorized, it was fun and it's everywhere, it's everywhere and it's like why I don't know.
Speaker 2:You know, I I stopped a year, over a year and a half ago really on kind of on a whim.
Speaker 2:I was kind of well, I was sick of how I was feeling. Right, and to look at me, I didn't think it was really having an impact on my life anywhere. But I, when I stopped my, my life exploded in all the best ways and it was profoundly uncomfortable. Alcohol has an ability to keep you small and you know, I felt like the walls kind of stay here. You know where the edge is with alcohol. Without alcohol, I didn't know where the edge was.
Speaker 1:I don't know what to do with that, right, Right, I love that for you and I didn't know that about you. So that's really cool I love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and you know I want to touch on that a bit since we it just came up, so it's perfect. You know, I and I don't know if you've realized this in your journey with it as well Not only has it kind of transformed different social settings and whatnot, but it makes you realize like one of my husband's biggest things with it is like my father-in-law has Alzheimer's and you know, like I said, we just had a new baby. I was like, well, I have many years left and so I want to take this seriously now because, knowing what we know about blood flow and inflammation and everything else, it's like, okay, well, that's not going to, it's definitely not going to slow the process down if I'm predisposed to anything like this. So he made the decision. I mean, he has like no drinks at all in three years, so super proud of him, very incredible. I've dabbled here and there Like I went to, actually, new York in March, had a couple of drinks with girlfriends one day and a couple of drinks the next day, literally just like two.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what did you think?
Speaker 1:I felt so brain dead and disgusting. I go home. I'm like I literally cannot think, I cannot. I feel so slow, I feel sluggish, my body feels inflamed and it's almost like you know. You have to add it back in to realize you don't want it Absolutely. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, you know, and it's like I'm one of those people and I think, because of just my history with the rigid boundaries and eating disorder and stuff like that, I try not to ever set any hard limits and like never, never myself. Um, because I grew up very much like I'm never going to be like them, I'm never going to and it's like okay that backfires, it's not healthy either, because you're focusing on the never Right and then you kind of bring that closer to you.
Speaker 1:So I never, never. So it was interesting because my husband kind of sat back and he was like, and I noticed I was a little reactive in the way that I was handling life and getting back into that and I'm like this is I don't, I don't understand how I did it before. I mean, maybe because I sweated out so much, because I was a maniac and worked out like three times a day or something, but my adrenals were shot, I bet.
Speaker 2:I mean just for life in general. But it's just thinking. It's really hard in the system.
Speaker 1:It is. It's hard in the system, but it's so socially acceptable.
Speaker 2:It is Strangely, although it's interesting, there are. I don't know if you read in the New York Times recently, or maybe another newspaper, that many of the nightclubs in Brooklyn are shutting down. Oh, and a big part of that is because younger people aren't drinking.
Speaker 1:You know I love this and I have tried all of those fun like saints, like all the fun mocktails that are out there.
Speaker 1:Because I've noticed socially like, hey, I don't need to drink to have a good time. I'm bubbly and like talkative and all the things. Anyway, I know it's very different for some people. It helps them open up, it helps them relax and it's like, well, I've gotten to a place in life. No, I need to do something to go and relax and I don't think it's in alignment. Brilliant. I love that. Some things you have to do, like graduations and big parties, but I've found that even at first, I remember taking the approach of now, you know I'm not drinking, are you pregnant? No, I'm just actually not drinking. I just don't feel like it. It makes people uncomfortable.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it does, and then they start talking about how what they're drinking is or defending it in some way and somehow like it like you're not drinking says something about their drinking.
Speaker 1:Yes, and it was like hey, you do you.
Speaker 1:And I generally don't care Like I don't care, I'm not judging you, I'm just making a choice not to do that, right. Right, and it's been a really interesting road, has it? What have you learned? You know I've learned that, having a very influential personality, I think it's had a trickle effect on my entire friend group.
Speaker 1:I feel like they've seen like, wow, okay, like I don't really need to drink for that either, and does it really serve me and do I feel good afterwards? And I feel like me and all my friends are in this, like you know, late thirties, early forties, perimenopausal phase of life anyway. So it's like we just need to do the best we can to stay sane and help our bodies and regulate anyway. So it's like we just need to do the best we can to stay sane and help our bodies and regulate anyway. So I think it's like a lot of things at once. I don't think it's just that, but I do feel like it's really given people permission to make different decisions. Yes, yes, you know it's not like everyone has to stop cold Turkey, but also not judging themselves either.
Speaker 1:And this is my whole philosophy hey, if you're going to go have a cocktail, go have a cocktail, absolutely. But if you're going to go and you're going to have a cocktail and you're going to shame yourself and you're going to guilt yourself, don't do that Right. It's not worth it. It's like it could be the same for chocolate cake. It doesn't have to be alcohol, it could be any of our life choices. So, yeah, I think, honestly, the biggest thing I've learned is clarity, though, like an understanding how much more calm and settled and life is overstimulating enough.
Speaker 2:And my world, the world my world, all of it, you know and it's really allowed.
Speaker 1:My husband and I I mean, let's see, he was our oldest was 15. The other 13 and 12.
Speaker 2:Let's see, our oldest was 15, the other 13 and 12.
Speaker 1:Those are really vulnerable, intense ages, but I think for them to watch us make extreme life shifts, that's incredible In that time frame and for them to see like wow, like Crystal and dad or mom and Matt, like they are so much more chill and present, not even just like in conversation, but just in life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a huge lesson for them.
Speaker 1:We're not going out and just to go out. And you know, we enjoy being home more and, honestly, it's not really fun when you have a little one and before. I think the reason it worked is because we would do it without our kids. I mean, not that we never had drinks around our kids, but you know we would. It was almost like living a double life, right, right, but we don't have that anymore. So it's like OK, what is this singular life? What does this look like for us? Right, and it's, you know, it's really allowed us to go inward.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't have been able to do the deep healing work and facing all the things if I would have kept alcohol and even caffeine. I mean, there were two years I didn't paint my nails, I didn't have coffee, I didn't have alcohol. I mean, I went through after the brain scan, I went through a literal detox. I went vegan for a while. I took out all meat. I remember I had to add it back. I took out all hard, high intensity exercise and just allowing my body to shed all the. I essentially tried to rewire everything and drop all the previous conditioning.
Speaker 2:And then you can re-add as you choose. What?
Speaker 1:feels good what doesn't feel good. I started learning about my cycle and how to balance eating and exercise and like why didn't we learn this in seventh grade when we should have learned this, because I could have really utilized this my whole life Absolutely and like as a woman, it's you know, see those memes that pop up. It's like, oh yeah, my period came today. I'm not really like crazy that was it.
Speaker 1:Right, I know, but understanding like how to treat your body, how to nurture yourself through these different phases. So I mean I feel like I've learned so much from it, but particularly to release attachments and to stop identifying. So I realized I was so identified with being a fitness professional and being super fit and attached to the idea that I needed to be this all the time, to whether it was for worthiness or more of like proving it to myself, I think, because that was something that got me through life.
Speaker 2:So you shed a lot of ego.
Speaker 1:A lot of ego, and I mean all the all the great books eckhart tolle, I think is a newer than the power of now, and michael singer, all the surrender books, all the um. My roommate, my mind, dr shifali, who's amazing. Have you read her book? I have not, I've not. So, yeah, really letting go of ego and getting back to my true, authentic self.
Speaker 2:Right, and knowing when the ego is coming in, right, right, and it will keep coming in, and we just have to remind ourselves generously and courageously and compassionately to return home to self.
Speaker 1:Well, we're all living the human experience. Exactly so there's there's a little bit of that that's going to trickle in here and there Like.
Speaker 2:I'm really proud of my kid.
Speaker 1:It's like wow, I'm really honored that I've gotten to witness this beautiful soul that I got to bring into the earth.
Speaker 2:You know, it's like they're not mine. I don't know, I was just the portal.
Speaker 1:I like you know, it's like really, my husband and I laugh all the time. We like really pedal it back sometimes and laugh at each other when we say things like that. But what is it, you know? What has it taught you? What is this all like? Your sober journey and what you're doing in life? What is, what is this all really and where do you feel like it's going for you?
Speaker 2:It's. It's switched quite a bit in the last couple of years. Actually it's, I think. First, dropping alcohol has allowed me to get in touch with myself and my more, more than my capacity. Just really, like I said to you before, I didn't know where. I knew where the edges were and without it everything seems boundless, which was uncomfortable. And now and now it's not.
Speaker 2:I am saying yes to the things that are in alignment and I'm doing things I never would have done before, and that's that's where I feel most alive. So alcohol has allowed me more expansion, more, more, more, but not in a consumption kind of way, just owning where I want to be and how I want to be in an authentic way. And then, beyond that, there's this I've always been intuitive. Intuitive. I knew that from a very young age and putting alcohol down didn't right of way shift that. But I'm now hearing things you're going to say before you say them.
Speaker 2:Um, that, that part of me that pulled me to be a therapist, that pulls me to be here with you. You know the email I sent on a whim and then you called me. I said I'm going to be here with you. You know the email I sent on a whim and then you called me and said oh, I'm going to be here. That just happens. We needed to change a time for something. It just happened. Things just open up there's. No, I'm learning not to push pull also, and when I'm more open and aligned with self, I can hear everything, and that sometimes is a little terrifying. There's moments where I can meditate and drop into self, get to my third eye, where I feel part of everything, and then this feels like there's this portal and do I keep going? And if I keep going, will I still exist? I don't know what to do with that. So I in a way, kind of stopped myself, in the way I think I was stopping myself with alcohol, unwittingly knowing. So I'm playing with a lot of that spiritual stuff lately.
Speaker 1:You definitely heard what was in my mind, because that was exactly what I was going to ask you. How do you feel like your spiritual connection?
Speaker 1:has been since, because for me and my husband I can speak for him I know he wouldn't mind I mean, for us it's been like, download after download after Like you just know, yes, you know the path is clear, no doubt, and understanding, and understanding. And I think it really takes some deep unraveling and getting through things to know that that inner knowing is different than the voice in the head. Yes, and knowing that I always know the voice in the head when it's the voice in the head or the roommate, as Michael Singer would call it that it's something fear-based?
Speaker 1:Yes, like if something's coming up that has like fear or hesitation, or. But you just know, like the gut feeling, the intuition, like it's your inner knowing you can hear things and sometimes you know it's hard to describe because it's a feeling you have when you know it's safe. Yes, yeah, it's a feeling you have.
Speaker 2:Absolutely it's a screaming green have. Absolutely it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a screaming green light without, without seeing it. But the the you mentioned you mentioned the fear, the voice inside. For me it's, it can be, it can be. Fear, all the things, the stories I tell myself that hold me back but could also be like something I want, like the push, the push, the push.
Speaker 2:And I keep learning that lesson. How did I get here again? But then that, and for me that's kind of egos in the way, but I love that place I can get to where I feel I mean divinely connected to everyone and everything, and I can't. It's fleeting, but I like to keep coming back to it.
Speaker 1:I love it and, like you mentioned, like today just totally worked out and even our approach to today. I'm like, okay, great, you're going to be in Tampa, I'll block this amount of time. We'll start with coffee, we'll see where the day goes. I'll book the studio, just in case we ended up flipping it. And here we are and I think if we had filmed it Exactly and so, and that's just that level of authenticity and inner knowing, just trusting the process Absolutely and just trusting okay, it's, it's in alignment, it's supposed to be here.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I think that sometimes, where we can go awry, that that that trusting the process involves vulnerability, and that I mean for me, but that trusting the process involves vulnerability, and that I mean for me, is profoundly difficult. So then the fears or the trying to control comes in and all of that, and if I can take a breath and say, all right, this has all happened anyway, I really have no control, right, and just allow, well then I can feel a lot better and it all happens exactly the way it needs to be, even the things I think, oh, you know, get angry about or this went wrong. It's all an opportunity, it's all a gift.
Speaker 1:Right. There are always lessons and opportunities and up for growth and evolution in any situation and I think it's a really great, appropriate time to bring this up. You know, as a practitioner, as someone who helps others, like you still experience life, you still have get angry, you still have your moments of emotion, and it's interesting to me that you know there's no, obviously no, places like it's not, like healing is not a destination, like there's no, like I'm healed Like my dog therapist or life coach, whatever you want to call her, and I joke about this all the time. Every time I'm like everything's smooth sailing but I'm opening, keeping space open for pivoting keeping it open for pivoting Because if I ever were like you know what?
Speaker 1:Oh everything, nothing could trigger me. Now it's like, oh yeah, sister, but it's allowing yourself to still be a part of the human experience, yes, and exposing that vulnerability. That that's life, right, and that's the whole. I think the beauty of talking about this and even having a podcast, it's letting people know like it's OK.
Speaker 2:It's going to happen if you've got to give yourself grace. Yes, the other day, looking for my daughter's passport, she can't find it anywhere I was enraged for about an hour, Enraged. She asked me a question. I answered it, but I was super snarky. I was like I'm not being honest here, I'm just being nasty. So you know the leading with love kind of I went off track for a moment.
Speaker 1:Bring myself back but I'm sure you held yourself accountable.
Speaker 2:You owned your shit and you guys worked through it. I owned the shit and that's just it.
Speaker 1:You know, in life, in relationships, and that I feel like has been the biggest part of the journey. Like to get back to earlier, like what have I learned through?
Speaker 2:all of this is accountability.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like that is the key. Yes, until I started holding myself accountable for the way I felt, for the way I was reacting to life, the way I was responding to life, the way I was behaving, the way I was perceiving all the things. Yeah, and stop projecting it and making it someone else's stuff. Right, that's. That was the game changer 100%.
Speaker 2:I always say to people you know you can't change anyone else, but there's a secret. I damn sure tried. Well, you can. You can by leaving them alone, right, by changing you. Yes, you change that system, the family, the relationship. The guy at the takeout, you know, is having a bad day, by changing you and approaching in a different way changes everything around you and changes others.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I don't think I would have been able to do that if I would have stayed on the, you know, social drinking path. I think that was something that really just helped me.
Speaker 1:Let go of it, Because I think for me it was one of those things that, you know, stuff comes up, Like you know, if we want to get to the science of it all if you consume any sort of like substance in your body, it's going to dull your level of consciousness, your, your intuition, your, and then, like old stuff, might surface and but I really feel like allowing myself that space and time to be clear mm-hmm. And gave me the different perspective and the and I let go of anything I could do better, because I knew I was doing my best.
Speaker 2:I let go of anything I could do better.
Speaker 1:Anything I could do better, like the thought of I could do this better.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Because I knew I was doing my best. Yes, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Don't let perfection or the pursuit of it get in the way of. Good enough, and I was a seeker of perfection all the time.
Speaker 1:And for what? Because no one's perfect. No, but it was like, if I can control this, if I can control the way I look, if I can control how much I do is or how cool the gift is we give someone you know it's going to be no like, because, guess what like no one else really cares no.
Speaker 2:And what if it was all okay just as it was?
Speaker 1:yeah, and I think one of the four agreements book. Have you read that book? I have not. Oh, it's so great. He talks, um, he talks about I forget the name of the guy, I guy to send it to you but doing your best and knowing that your best is different on a daily basis. So I knew, like if I showed up my best self, if I nurtured my body in the right way whether that was rest or eating carbs before workout or after workout, or if it was sitting down and really being attentive, helping my kid with homework and, you know, just filling my cup in ways that I knew I was doing my best, not half assing, not, you know, being halfway in a conversation and looking at my phone and trying to answer questions, or, you know, checking emails at stoplights and like being intentional. Getting back to being intentional, that's when I think it really also started to change, because it gives you that different level of ownership yeah, I love that too.
Speaker 2:I mean, I was thinking well, what if my best is like too hard to get to in one day or that feels like too much?
Speaker 1:but it varies depending on my capacity, depending if I slept enough or I exercised or I nourished or if you're traveling or if you're overstimulated, you have a big event and, like in my a few different aspects of life, I feel like part of my life is community events. So a big community event speaking in front of hundreds of people and, um, you know, I know that after those big event days I need to have my calendar as clear as possible.
Speaker 1:I need to ask for help picking up the kids after school. I know that my best self needs to rest because I need to energetically cleanse the, and you know, and is it always possible? No, you know, sometimes I have to go through car line and do all the things and and don't can't utilize all of my resources. So it's a matter of okay. So what are the next steps? Pivoting, like I know, a long shower is going to help if I can't do the other things, and just finding really what works for you in those everyday kind of micro healing moments.
Speaker 2:Taking care of yourself like you would someone you love.
Speaker 1:Exactly. So what does that look like for you? What are your kind of daily routines and rituals and micro healing things Like? Is it getting outside? And for me I love to get outside and put my feet in the grass or move my body in some sort of way. I don't schedule it as crazy as I used to, but, you know, just really adapting to and listening to what I need that day, mm hmm, I like to get enough sleep.
Speaker 2:I am kind of a little crazy around sleep.
Speaker 1:I love that so.
Speaker 2:I think that's where it starts A lot of the foundation. But I certainly I love to be out in the water, out in nature, walking a dirt road, hiking. I want to move my body on the regular. So usually the morning we'll start, we'll start with that and water, water, water, whether right on the boat, at the beach in the shower in the bathtub like any type of water.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and doing what I do, it's not, it's not work, it's. You know people ask me all the time how do you listen to those stories, how do you listen to people all day? It's not listening to those stories, it's it's. I may hear some horrific things. That's not what I take with me, because we're transforming something and everything changes energetically. What really I leave my work with is energized most of the time. You know there are those moments where there are stories that might stay stuck a little bit of the time. You know there are those moments where there are stories that might stay stuck a little bit, um, but so my, my, my, my work, my, my passion, my, my first love, trauma and addiction, the work that I do in the world. That feeds me.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, and that's so important and, again, that shows that you were on the path that is appropriate for you in this moment.
Speaker 2:Yes. Yes that is appropriate for you in this moment, yes, lifetime yes, and, like you've said, also knowing when it's too much, in the days where I can pull back or do less um, and that's really important too and how do you really get to the point where you're feeling or you're knowing it's too much.
Speaker 1:What does that kind of look like, feel like, for?
Speaker 2:you, um, when I notice that I don't want to do the work that day, right, and then I know, oh, maybe next week or tomorrow I need to make extra space where I'm not serving others. So it's a very clear, because it doesn't happen very often, but it comes out and clear.
Speaker 1:And then how do you find that you cleanse yourself, shift the energy, come back to you after a long work day or taking on and actually had another friend, lisa Klein, who is a therapist and we talked about this as well, and just the importance of kind of honoring you and like you said, you can't always like clear your day, because people are depending on you that day.
Speaker 1:You know, you don't you don't you want to follow through? Because again, that's showing up as your best self and following through with your word. But how do you kind of, if it's a day that's too much, and how do you? How do you cleanse through A?
Speaker 2:lot of times, most of the time it's in my office is generally at home these days. A lot of times, most of the time it's in my office is generally at home these days. Last session ends and I take time for myself. I know, you know, a family member needs something, a daughter needs something else. Phone calls need to be responded to, texts needed to be dealt with. I'll leave it all alone and I'll take a few minutes, and that is a really good transition moment for me between what I was doing for others, acknowledging myself, taking a breath, and then I can go back out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that and I really want to emphasize the importance of giving yourself that space to transition. It is really important, whether that be stepping outside and getting a breath of fresh air and just standing in the sunlight for a minute, like I did a podcast. You would love my friend Jen Smith, by the way, she's one of the we did a podcast and what are you going to do about it? Like it's just very straightforward, you love her, you just need to come down and spend more time.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, we have to play this, but I was doing two podcasts back to back, which I hardly ever do. But I was like, oh, I'm already doing one, let's do one, Cause she and I really wanted to get a second one in, and she walked in and she's like all right, you need to go outside and get your sunshine for a second and then we'll come back in.
Speaker 1:I was like you know me too well, um, and and that's just it, like knowing that, even if it's a quiet car ride or or the tunes cranked up and singing at the top of your lungs with the windows down and the hair blowing and whatever that means for you or you know, like tapping my chest and just getting some physical movement out If I'm sitting in front of my computer all day, taking a brain break, taking a movement break, but giving myself permission to not have that instant response because we're very driven like that these days it's like everything has to be like immediate, it's like, but it really doesn't.
Speaker 1:If someone emails you at 9am, you don't have to get back to them at 9.06. You can get back to them at 2.30. You can get back to them the next day. I was going to say that.
Speaker 2:Is that radical?
Speaker 1:No, like you don't have to, because guess what it teaches? It gives them the opportunity to A find some space and time for themselves, and compassion and understanding, and give them permission to do the same thing.
Speaker 2:Right, and what I love about that, too, is you're teaching others how to react or to be with you, which is right. I'm not going to be at your beck and call every you know. As soon as the text comes, comes through, right, I'm going to be known as the person who responds in two hours or tomorrow, and nothing's wrong.
Speaker 1:And I think now my people are probably like she's probably outside with her feet in the grass or hanging in a tree somewhere. That's okay, and I probably am, and that's okay too. That's so great. But it's really and I do want to touch on that a bit and I'm sure you've experienced it and your practice and people you work with Like, how do you coach people through navigating boundaries and setting these healthy boundaries for their own mental health and healing and processing? I mean, you know, just thinking about my high schoolers, you know they're walking around, they have their AirPods in, they're on Snapchat, they're trying to listen to their teachers. They have four minutes to get to the next class. It's like do you really learn anything like that?
Speaker 2:No, no way.
Speaker 1:We're just memorizing, we're taking tests, and it's like, well, what's it all for that? We're going to spend how much money sending them to college to do the same thing? And it's like, but like it's so overstimulating, right now more so than ever, and we're not built for this?
Speaker 2:No, not at all. Like we're not built for this, no, nope. So how do you coach people on that? I mean, I think what I found is maybe what you found, which is, if I tell people that doesn't really bring about any change, I can, I might be able to see it very clearly, you know, with an ex abusive husband or with a demanding, you know boss or something, um, or a friend who is just boundaryless Right, but ultimately I don't feel like they're going to listen to the advice or what I think the boundaries would be. It really begins with self, right, coming back to what feels good to you, what are your rhythms, and once you can listen to that and get in touch with that, then the boundaries with others become clear. Same thing, you know, with self-love. I can't tell someone how to love someone else. It really starts with self. But I can guide them into self and find that for themselves, and then that radiates outward.
Speaker 1:I love that. Thanks, yeah, I really love that because it's really I mean, just think of like parenting, for example.
Speaker 1:I lost all respect for adults around me when I was adolescence age because I'm like who are you to tell me how to live when you're treating your body and your mind and you're not connected to yourself?
Speaker 1:I get like who the hell are you to tell me how to live and act and what to do? And so I just again started the rigid boundary. But I knew, and I think it was part of that intuitive push, that everything had to change all at once for me and my husband during this phase of sitting in our shit. But he knew too, during this phase of sitting in our shit. But he knew too, he knew he wanted to change and needed to make some shifts. And I know I wanted to, and together we knew we needed to, you know, create a healthier atmosphere. And just so happened to be when my children were the age I was when I started to lose the respect, and that you know. It's interesting and I'm sure you've seen this pattern. A lot is like we internally get these and I have like chili bombs, right now all over and my eyes are watering.
Speaker 1:But we internally get called when we hit those life shift ages and patterns. Absolutely Like we internally, you call it like spirit alignment. You know guides telling you how to go. You're guided, you're protected, you can do this shift and it's a matter of taking the stillness, the time to set back and trusting the process of that Right, because it's real.
Speaker 2:It is, it is, and if you don't follow it, you will feel the anxiety come up, the rage, the discomfort, the disease, the regret, the shame, the guilt all the things so true.
Speaker 1:All the things that and that's actually something I want to touch on. Yeah, shame, okay, bring it on, let's talk about it. And how. You know, what I've realized is like I was holding so much shame for people that it wasn't my stuff to carry. So I held shame of, like how you know, my mom portrayed herself when I was younger, or my family when I was younger, and it's like they loved me unconditionally. They did the best they could with the tools that they had at the time. Now I know that, but I remember growing. I actually went home and I was reading this thing I wrote in like fourth grade and I'm reading it and I'm like this isn't all true.
Speaker 2:Interesting.
Speaker 1:So I would put tidbits of real life and then tidbits of what I wanted life to look like, and it was like oh, bless her heart Like she was she had so much shame, like she didn't want to tell her life story, right?
Speaker 1:You know she didn't want to talk about how her dad died and her mom came in and out and you know she was raised by her grandparents and so it was interesting that I gave a little bit, but then I portrayed it to be what I thought. I think people wanted to hear, right, and what I thought, and people don't care. It was me holding the shame around that. So that was something that really took me back to. It was one of those almost unexpected things. I was like, wow, I don't remember writing this, but I'm like, oh, bless her heart, yeah.
Speaker 1:Now you can heal her oh yeah, absolutely Like I wrote her a letter. I've written myself at all different ages letters. Usually I feel like for me it's happened in sevens. Big life events at seven at 14, at 21, at 28. You know yeah.
Speaker 2:Isn't that? Doesn't it take seven years for our body to completely?
Speaker 1:regenerate, yeah. So it's like I've literally been a different person. But, interestingly enough, I've made huge life shifts. Like at seven, I made the decision to live with my grandparents full time. I didn't want to live with my mom at all. At 14, I completely cut my mom out of my life until I was 21. I revisited and circled back and then I was like, okay, this still isn't going to work in the healthy dynamic that it's supposed to work in 28, got a divorce from my first husband, 35, had my son started this whole deep journey. So it's like I have literally made huge shifts. So I'm like, oh God, what does 42 look like? Like I got two years, hopefully, good stuff, right, all good stuff, I'm excited. So Shay, good stuff, All good stuff, I'm excited. So she, yeah, getting. Like how would you give me your perspective on it?
Speaker 2:Well, I was thinking about the difference between shame and guilt, and I kind of wanted all of us to be on the same page.
Speaker 2:You know, guilt is I did something wrong, right. Shame is I am wrong. Yeah, right, I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable at those deep I would say irrational negative beliefs that we we take on in childhood as a way to survive, because to believe that mom can't take care of me is to really think I mean that's too terrifying, because if mom can't take care of me, therefore I mean that's can I live, I'm going to die, right. So you take that on yourself. I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough for her to show up for me, or whatever that story is, of course. Then you see it, we bring that into adulthood, we hold on to it and you can see that wreak havoc on our lives all over the place and trickle into all of our relationships and the people or partners that we choose and the friends that we choose the environments we get ourselves into Right.
Speaker 2:So I mean, like with everything else, I think you've heard me say you know I would say so, what? So what does shame have to share with you? What does she want you to know? How old is shame? What does she look like? Where do you feel her in your body? And then, ultimately, once you've really connected with her and you've empathized with her and you sat with her for a while, then what do you need from me? Where do you want to be in this world? Do you want to stay in the shame, back in the house you grew up in? I can't tell you how many parts of myself I pulled out of that house on three Upland Road in Needham. Tons of them, and imagine there's still more coming. But each time I pull one out of that house and give her liberation and freedom, I become freer.
Speaker 1:It's going to make me cry Same.
Speaker 2:You know in writing You've been there.
Speaker 1:Oh, I've been there I've done all the things and you know writing. I've found that writing are letters.
Speaker 2:I love that.
Speaker 1:Whether it's a hey. This is why your life actually is going to turn out to be Right and you're going to utilize all of the things that you're holding right now to help so many people. Yes, yes, and that, for me, is the internal driving system, and I think if there's anything that I really want people to hear from this today is you can make all of the ugly anything that's ever you've experienced in your life you can pay it forward and you can help so many people.
Speaker 2:Absolutely no doubt.
Speaker 1:It takes the courage to face it.
Speaker 2:Yes, and feel it, and feel it, and feel it.
Speaker 1:So if there is anything that you really want to emphasize or you want people to hear you on, what would that be today?
Speaker 2:Oh, so many things. But if there's one thing I could say, um, slow down, be curious. And um, there's. There's nothing that is beyond transformable If you give it space. If you give it space, everything is transformable If you give it space. That is so true through connection to self and others. Thank you, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Thank you for this lovely connection. Oh, you're welcome and honestly, that actually brought it up for me and I feel like I could. I should say this to wrap it all up but I think my mom is a perfect example of that. You know she had to go to prison to find her space but she came out of that and she's paid it forward. Wow, she has transition houses where she has curriculum to help women who have been through prostitution and trafficking and prison and she goes and speaks to people on death row and gives them kind of a little bit of life and forgiveness for themselves, regardless of what the outcome is.
Speaker 1:So incredible and forgiveness for themselves, regardless of what the outcome is. So you know it's healed my relationship with her, forgiving her the space to be herself and do her thing, knowing walking through forgiveness, knowing that whatever she did when I was a kid had nothing to do with me and knowing that it was up to me, with how I responded to all of that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, beautiful.
Speaker 1:So I think that you probably had a similar experience with your own upbringing and things and just knowing, like you know what you had to own your part.
Speaker 2:Absolutely yeah, yeah, and do it with grace.
Speaker 1:Yes, oh my gosh, I feel like we could talk for like four hours.
Speaker 2:I would love to. I know we're going to do this again. Okay, we're going to have a part two, and I feel like we could talk for like four hours. I would love to. I know we're going to do this again.
Speaker 1:Okay, we're going to have a part two, and I feel like we need to clap on something fun.
Speaker 2:Yes, please Go deeper.
Speaker 1:Let's go deeper, go deeper, we're going to go deep and yes, I feel like there is all kinds of fun stuff coming for us. So thank you, Tammy, for joining me today and for