Episode 151: Prioritizing Healthy Relationships Because You Matter

Today we're talking all about developing and maintaining healthy relationships! I'm diving deep into what a healthy vs unhealthy relationship is, both with others but also with yourself.  I'll also be sharing a few exercises you can do to evaluate your circles and learn to create strong relationship boundaries.

It's a juicy one!

To learn more about The Bliss Retreat, visit thebalancebliss.ca/retreat 

Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Healthy Relationships - Podcast Episode
• 19:23 Evaluating and Prioritizing Relationships
• 23:35 Prioritizing Self and Evaluating Friendships
• 28:29 Empowering Conversations for Authentic Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This show is brought to you by Female Alliance Media, by Women for.

Speaker 2: 0:03

Women. Welcome to the Balance and Bliss Podcast. I'm your host, andrea Mondu, a three-time published author, speaker and a lifestyle transformation coach who believes everyone should be given the gift of knowing how to live their lives, feeling healthy and empowered. Things like moving your body regularly and feeling it well, taking care of your mind, setting boundaries, practicing self and body, acceptance, personal growth, manifestation and everything in between. Wellness is not linear and it's not just one thing. It expands into so many areas and on this show we're going to talk about just that. We're all striving to live a little more healthy and a little more well, but what does that even mean? My goal is to help you see that you can move from the mundane to the magic when it comes to living aligned and fulfilled, and by tuning in each week you can be assured you'll leave with nuggets of wisdom that you can implement into your day to day, like right now, to help you maximize your health, wellness and your life. Now let's dive in. Hello, welcome back to another episode.

Speaker 2: 1:17

Today is a solo episode, so I'm here to have a conversation, just me and you. We're in September, hopefully by now. You are like feeling back into the routines. There's something really nice about a routine. I know I talked about this last week, but after the excitement of summer, just kind of easing back into knowing what to expect, like we are creatures of habit, right, and when there's disruption, when there's chaos, we're like what the fuck is happening, I'm just ready to get it. It's like every single time you go on well, I'm totally generalizing here, but most times when I go on vacation, you get to the end of your vacation and most of us find ourselves saying like we're ready to get back to it. So we're back to it, we're back into it. I'm really excited for today's episode and I think that the reason that I'm so excited for it is because it took me so long to understand the value that this has on your overall health and well-being. Like I'm talking about, like deep-rooted happiness, having the ability to be present in your life, having the ability to be grateful and to take care of your wellness and eat well and move your body well. Like all of these things are dependent on this one pillar. If you've ever been present for any of my wheel of health workshops or maybe you listened to the podcast episodes way long time ago when Kim and I worked through each of these wheel of health components. I'll actually link them for you in the show notes.

Speaker 2: 2:57

In the wheel of health exercise, there are eight components that I discussed that make up who we are as humans, and movement and nutrition are a big part of that. But there's actually six other things that make up who we are as people, and one of the things that's really, really important is relationships and communication. We are human beings having human experiences in relationships with other people, and sometimes those relationships are great for us. They are fulfilling, they are respectful, they are kind. They're really relationships and people that we seek out.

Speaker 2: 3:40

And also, whether it be maybe right now or maybe it's in the past, if you're somebody like me, I have been in relationships before, specifically friendships. Actually, if I'm being honest, I'm thinking about a romantic relationship that wasn't the greatest either, but there are also relationships that are not great for us, and so today we're going to really break down like what is a healthy relationship, what is not a healthy relationship, and why is it so important that we are in healthy romantic relationships and also healthy friendships? Because those two things are going to be the cornerstones of what make us feel well. Obviously, there's a lot of importance around the relationship that we have with ourselves and, quite frankly, we can even include that in this category as well, because the way that we speak to ourself, the way that we treat ourselves, the way that we respect ourselves and our bodies, the way that we support our dreams and our wishes, like all of those things are really important too.

Speaker 2: 4:46

Right, we need to be our own best friend. So what I mean when I say a healthy relationship and again, we're talking about the one with yourself, the one with your romantic partner, as well as the friendship that you're in. Let's think about things like communication or mutual respect. Right, if you have somebody that you're in a relationship with that you feel like you can say, hey, this really upset me, or hey, that really bothered me, or hey, here's what I need, here's what I am feeling right now. Here's where.

Speaker 2: 5:23

I'm at today, if you feel like you can have that open dialogue and that open communication, that's a really big thing. And then with that really comes that like that trust and that respect. Right, it's somebody who you know that, no matter what you say to them, no matter what you share with them, they're going to respect you, they're not going to judge you, they're going to support you and you know in that communication that you're having, if it's a healthy relationship, you're having it in a way where you're not berating each other or where you're not putting each other down. You know, one of the things that's really and I'm probably going to use Mike and I as an example a lot here, because we have I mean, we've been together for like 17 years. We've spent a lot of time. Well, I know I should, I was going to say I spend a lot of time. I definitely bring a lot of conversations to our partnership, but he fully partakes in them. So I can't I can't take full credit for that, but we've spent a lot of time like crafting this relationship that is really built on mutual respect and communication.

Speaker 2: 6:30

And really, really early on we talked about how important it was for us to, you know, never like speak down to each other. I can confidently say in those 17 years that we've been together, we've never had a fight or an argument where we've called each other names, where we have put each other down, where we have trashed each other's character. Like listen, I've been fucking pissed at him and he for sure has been pissed at me, but even when things are so heated and emotions are so high, there's never been a time where we have put each other down and called each other names. This is, you know I you want to know why that's so important, because I mean, you probably know this, every single time, like every single thing that leaves your mouth, you can never take that back, like you can never take that shit back, and so once you've said it, it's out there. And you know other things that are important in a healthy relationship is, you know, forgiveness and releasing things and moving forward. And you know as much as you want to release things, like you know, if somebody has said something really really deeply hurtful, it is really hard to come back from that. It's not to say that you can't come back from that, but there's definitely. You know there are some things to kind of work through and it might stay in the back of your mind. So, as a general rule, if you want to have a healthy partnership, even a healthy friendship, right, we're not going to be talking about our friends behind their back. We're not going to be putting them down, you know, at certain choices that they're making. You know, maybe they're our friends, are making choices that we don't necessarily agree with. We're not going to be like, well, you're stupid. You know what a dumb move or whatever it is. And again, that same thing goes for ourselves.

Speaker 2: 8:23

There's a part in my first book you actually can do this, achieving a healthy lifestyle in spite of yourself where I actually talk about this. Like we speak to ourselves right in ways that we probably would never speak to other people, because if we did that, we would have no friends or we would have no partner or we would maybe be in an unhealthy relationship. And so yet we and yet we are so quick to put ourselves down to, you know convince ourselves of things that we're not capable of. You know I talk about this a lot in coaching that I do with clients. You know, when people come to me and when people often want to pursue a wellness journey. It's rooted oftentimes in weight loss or not liking the way that they look and, as a result of that, a lot of the internal dialogue that happens is also negative, and the things that we're saying to ourselves about our ability to be consistent or stay motivated or, you know, stay on that diet like I suck, I can't do all these things right, like the way that we speak to ourselves is not often great, and so when we're thinking about having respect and supporting, that also would include the way that we do that to ourselves too.

Speaker 2: 9:50

Now, on the flip side of that, if we're thinking about, okay, that's what like a healthy relationship looks like. What might an unhealthy relationship look like? In a nutshell, it's everything that I said. That's in the previous statement. That is not there. But to break that down a little bit more situations where people are manipulating the other person to do things that they want or manipulating them to not do things and to stay with them, instead being really controlling about who people are seeing. I mean, if we're thinking about controlling romantic relationships, sometimes it can go right down to what people are wearing, what they're doing, what their time, that sort of thing.

Speaker 2: 10:39

You know name calling, belittling, really casting judgment, saying things like well, I told you so you should've listened to my advice the first time. Don't come crying to me, because I already told you you shouldn't be doing this thing. You know, having something like that in friendships can be really, really damaging. Or I'll give you an example. I went away earlier this year with a group of girlfriends and we were talking about friendships and previous types of friendships that we'd been in and that sort of thing, and this person had a friend who, every single time they shared good news with them or the next thing that they were working on, that person did one of two things that person responded with oh well, here you go again, maybe putting that new career path or that new experience that they're participating and putting it down or trying to.

Speaker 2: 11:36

You've ever heard of the one upper right Trying to one up what you said? Oh well, you have this going on. Well, here's what happened to me, right? They're not honoring and holding space for you, but instead they're trying to put themselves in the forefront, somebody who lacks boundaries. So you're putting up a hard boundary about, maybe, what you're willing to do, what you're not willing to do. Maybe you have been asked to do something or go somewhere and you're in a friendship where you feel like you have to say yes because if you say no then you're worried that that person is gonna be upset with you.

Speaker 2: 12:13

You know all of these things, whether it be in a friendship, whether it be in a romantic relationship.

Speaker 2: 12:19

I'm gonna tell you right now that if that's the case, if, as I'm listing off these red flags or these qualities of an unhealthy relationship, it might be time to consider gently dismissing that person from your lives.

Speaker 2: 12:38

This is something that I have had to do with a couple different friendships and it happens in numerous ways. Throughout the course of my 35 years, you can likely imagine that there have been interactions with people that I have had that have not been great and as I've been growing in my I guess we can really call it confidence as what I'm willing to put up with from people and what I'm not willing to put up with, and really that kind of comes from the increase of, like, my own inner confidence and kind of a shift in my mindset. But as I've started to do that, I've started to notice things in conversations that I'm having or the way that people have treated me in the past where they haven't acknowledged a way that I've been hurt, or relationships that are really one sided If you have a friend, for example, that you are the one who is always reaching out for hangouts right.

Speaker 2: 13:41

Hey, do you wanna hang out? I haven't seen you in a while. Oh, no, I'm busy. Or hey, I haven't seen you in forever, yeah, let's do something. And then all of a sudden, you're not doing something. Something's always come up. You just don't feel like you're a priority in that person's life.

Speaker 2: 13:59

I really firmly believe that friendships, also romantic relationships, should be a two way street. I mean, obviously there are fluctuations in ebbs and flows in those relationships, depending on what season of life that you're in, depending on, for example, if somebody is a new parent, chances are you aren't getting together every single Friday like you used to. Or maybe when you were in your 20s, you spend a lot more time together. I remember I had this friend when I was in my 20s and her and I we were literally attached at the hip. We would go out a couple times a week and then we'd get up in the morning and we would feel like shit, and so we would just hang out together and binge watch TV shows and we were literally always together. And maybe you had a friend like this when you were in your late high school college days, just that friend that you always spent a lot of time with. And then, as you started to maybe finish school and move on in your career or change careers, or maybe you moved or whatever it is you moved on really to like a new season of life, a shift in that friendship and that relationship happens. And then of course, that person either is with you you guys are kind of together through that shift and you acknowledge the ebb and flows, or that that has that can create some tension. So in that particular situation that definitely did create some tension and that friend and I ended up parting ways for a little bit and we've since then kind of re rekindled and re come back into each other's lives. But you know there's ebbs and flows in in that two way street and so acknowledging that those ebbs and flows do happen.

Speaker 2: 15:41

But ultimately, you know, if you are feeling like you're in a very one sided friendship or even in a really one sided relationship, you know these are the kinds of situations where you might start to evaluate like does this, does this feel right for me anymore? Is this fulfilling? One of the techniques that I learned quite a while ago that I actually use for a lot of situations and tasks that I'm taking on is does this feel light or does this feel heavy? And maybe you've heard me talk about this before, but I feel like this is really applicable in this situation when you're thinking about a romantic partnership, when you're thinking about a specific friendship and you want to determine, like, whether it's healthy or not, close your eyes and think about that person. And when you think about your relationship with that person, does it feel light or does it feel heavy? And I don't want you to overthink it, I don't want you to start to justify or rationalize, but in this moment, does it feel light or heavy? And if it feels light, then it's something that you want to be continuing to put your time and effort into. If it's something that feels heavy, then maybe it's a time to reevaluate that relationship and determine whether or not it's something that it's. That's something that you want to continue to pursue and put effort into.

Speaker 2: 19:24

One of the things that's popping into my head right now is a book I read quite a few years ago. It's by Rachel Rogers. It's called we Should All Be Millionaires. It's definitely a book that's focused on entrepreneurship and growing a business, but I also felt like there was a lot of like really good life nuggets in there. Rachel Rogers is just also a really, really wonderful person. But one of the things she talks about in that book because she talks about like, when she talks about being a millionaire and building and creating, like your millionaire identity that also includes, like, how you show up in your personal life and the relationships that you're in and that you're part of in the rooms that you're in so she shares in this book a technique that she actually learned from somebody else and now I'm going to share it with you today. But you know how we all make New Year's resolutions, or New Year's intentions, as I like to call them One of the things that she learned to do and that is like she even says in the book.

Speaker 2: 20:27

She's like, I feel like this sounds really cutthroat and you know what? Maybe this is a cutthroat type of activity, but she sits down and she literally makes a list of all of the current friends that she has and all of the current people that she is in consistent, continuous contact with, and then she evaluates what that friendship looks like. It doesn't feel heavy, does it feel light? I don't know if she actually used that that term specifically, but you know, what does that relationship look like? What does that friendship look like? What sort of value is it providing her as a person? What sort of and and you know maybe that sounds a bit vain, but what sort of value that it's providing you as a person? You know you want to be spending your time and surrounding yourself with people who build you up and light you up and make you feel great. You know that treat you well, that really lend to your self-esteem and really help to build you up. So you know what sort of value are you getting from it? How much effort are you putting in versus, again, what you're getting from it? And she really asks herself some of those questions for each of those people. If she identifies people that are on that list, then they don't get to move into the next year, right, they don't get to move into the next year as she grows and continues to evolve as a human, and so that's a really cool. You know, maybe you don't do it at the beginning, maybe you do it right now.

Speaker 2: 21:57

So when I read that book, I was actually away at a cottage, but and I did it right in that moment, I remember I pulled out my journal sitting on the dock and I wrote down the, the key people that I spend time with, and how I felt about those relationships. Because here's the thing and I'm going back to that wheel of health one of the other components on that wheel of health is just like total mindfulness or total awareness. This relates to absolutely anything in your life unless you spend some time with it, thinking about how, how, what kind of relationships do I have, how do the friendships that I have make me feel, how does the relationship and partnership that I'm in make me feel? Unless we spend some time really focusing on those, then we don't know what sort of impact they could potentially be having on our mental health, on our overall wellness, how much energy we're spending on these really challenging and heavy friendships that we could be spending elsewhere. Quite frankly, like I, there's no, there's no other way to put it you are the priority in your life and if you are expending so much energy and wasting so much energy in relationships that have red flags or relationships that feel toxic because you've been friends forever, oh well, we've been friends since childhood. You know I don't want to let that relationship go.

Speaker 2: 23:35

We have a lot of really good memories together. Are those memories worth all the heartache that you feel when they're challenging you on the really excited idea or the really big idea that you're really excited about, like, is it why? Why, in that moment, all of a sudden, are they worth more than you? You are the priority of your own life and it's up to you to curate and create that reality. I feel like I'm kind of jumping all over the place, but these are the kinds of conversations that I have with my clients is, like, sure, you come to me because you want to stop snacking and you want to move your body more. Those things were, for sure, going to work on those things because they're really important. But deeply rooted underneath that, like, there's a lot of other reasons of why you're snacking at night. Right, if you're snacking every single night and you have really shitty friends, those shitty friends are probably the reason that you're snacking at night, because you're not feeling joy and you're not feeling fulfillment when it comes to your life.

Speaker 2: 24:40

So I have shared a lot with you in this episode and, before we wrap up today, I just want to give you a kind of a recap of the things that I think that would be really helpful for you when you're looking at the friendships and the relationships that you're having with other people, and also the relationship that you're having with yourself. So you know, taking a moment to think about which friendships and relationships feel light, which ones feel heavy, which ones feel really fulfilling and soul filling, like. Which people do you spend time with? There are like faces flashing through my mind right now of people that I spend time with that just make me feel so fulfilled, they make me feel seen, they make me feel accepted, they make me feel valuable, and which people do you dread spending time with? Which people do you have to mentally prepare yourself to go and spend time with? Or maybe you're deciding okay, I'm going to spend two hours here and then I'm going to say that I have to go home and do whatever it is right. Which ones feel light and which ones feel heavy.

Speaker 2: 25:48

The other thing is is you can sit down and you can physically make that list of which people bring you joy, which people can you laugh with, which people do you really feel like it's a two way relationship? You feel supported, you feel respected, and which people do you not feel that with and maybe you can politely let them go? I'm going to do one more thing here before we wrap up, because I realized when I said you can just I'm doing this with my hands you can just kindly show yourself out, dismiss that relationship from your life. It doesn't have to be a big like we are no longer friends because X, y and Z. Maybe you just stop reaching out to that person to make plans, maybe you just are busy when they message you to spend some time together. Or maybe you do have a conversation of hey, listen, this is, I'm headed in this direction. I feel like our paths aren't aligning anymore and that might be a more challenging conversation to have.

Speaker 2: 26:53

So it depends on, obviously, how you feel, how much explanation that you feel like you need to give to somebody, because you don't always need to give an explanation to people. That's kind of up to you, especially if you're putting up a boundary. You know I've talked before on the boundaries episode. Did I have a boundaries episode? I did. Oh, my gosh, listen, after three seasons they all blend together.

Speaker 2: 27:20

But saying no is a complete sentence, right? No, this doesn't work for me. No, I can't make that work. No, I'm not free that night. So making that list and then deciding who you can kind of kindly dismiss and see out from your life and your circle and, ultimately, the most important relationship in your life is the relationship that you have with yourself. And if you are on this journey of growth and on this journey of transformation, I'm really happy to be a part of it with you and I want you to know that you, above anybody else in your life, come first. So thank you so much for being here today and until next time, take care of you, make the list, tell me which friendships feel light and heavy for you, tell me what you got from this episode, and thanks so much for tuning in to the Balance and Bliss podcast. We will see you next week.

Speaker 1: 28:19

Stay well, hi, I'm Christine Danard and I would love for you to join me on the Say it Out Loud podcast so you can be encouraged to live your best and most authentic life. On the show, I share my personal stories and conversations with others so you can be empowered by their strength and inspired to take authentic action in your own life. I look forward to seeing you there.

Speaker 2: 28:45

Thanks so much for being here. I hope you're leaving with a full heart, some inspiration, or you're feeling the kick in the butt you felt like you needed. If you really enjoyed this episode, be sure to share it with a friend or let me know Rates, reviews, subscribing and sharing are all great ways to support the show and if you want to stay in touch, follow me over on Instagram at thebalancebless. Thanks for listening today and stay well.