Future You

As a mom, you want to be the calm, thoughtful guide your child needs—but when tensions rise, it’s easy to fall into reactive patterns. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and the good news is that change is possible.

In this episode, we’ll help you move from overwhelm to confidence by offering practical tools and reflections that empower you to strengthen your emotional resilience and your connection with your kids.

Here’s what we’ll explore together:

• Reflecting on the year and aligning with your parenting goals.
• Understanding how the protective brain and the thinking brain clash in heated moments.
• Creating a clear vision of your future self as a calm, steady mom.
• Building the skill of sitting with discomfort without letting it control you.
• Simple, actionable steps to grow your emotional resilience.
• Using thought downloads to separate facts from opinions.
• Recognizing the physical sensations tied to emotions and responding thoughtfully.
• The power of consistent practice in transforming how you react.
• Cultivating compassion—for yourself and your child—in the journey ahead.

Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress. This episode is here to help you take the next step toward being the mom your preteen feels safe turning to, no matter what.

Chapters

• 0:01 Navigating Emotional Challenges of Motherhood
• 16:17 Developing Emotional Resilience in Motherhood
• 22:36 Empower Your Reactions Through Coaching

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Motherhood from the Brain, a podcast guiding moms of preteen girls on how to navigate emotional challenges that are not addressed in school. We share real stories, expert advice and brain-based methods for handling tough moments. Discover insights to create a deeper connection with your preteen and improve your motherhood journey. Let's tackle the uncharted territory of parenting together, hosted by professional, certified coach, esther Babazi.

Speaker 2: 0:37

Before we begin, I want to share a brief disclaimer. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist or any other licensed mental health professional. On this podcast, motherhood and the Brain, I share what has personally helped me improve my mental and emotional well-being. My hope is that by sharing my experiences I might help even one mother out there who is struggling. Welcome to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast, episode number 41. My name is Esther Mbabazi.

Speaker 2: 1:18

As we near the end of the year, many of us reflect on what we've accomplished and what still needs improvement. For moms, the desire to be more patient and present in our children's lives often tops the list. But when preteens push our buttons, it's easy to slip into old habits raising our voices, snapping or withdrawing. These reactive patterns may feel unavoidable, but we know deep down that they are not the mom we aspire to be. The real challenge lies within us. It's a tug of war between our protective brain, which wants to avoid discomfort and seek quick fixes, and our thinking brain, which desires long-term growth and alignment with our values. When faced with emotionally charged situations, our protective brain screams for relief, for example, yelling, shutting doors or blaming others. Yet the path to becoming our future self, the calm, confident mom we want to be requires learning to sit with discomfort instead of reacting to it.

Speaker 2: 2:46

Picture yourself your future version of yourself. She's no longer triggered in the same way she is today. When the inevitable challenges arise, like disrespected defiance or an eye roll from her preteen, the future version of yourself does not lose her temper. Instead, she stays present, responds thoughtfully and maintains the connection she's worked so hard to build. So who is this person? Who is this future version of yourself? She's emotionally resilient. She's grounded and confident in her ability to handle life's challenges. How does the future version of yourself relate to her preaching? The future version of yourself listens, empathizes and communicates calmly, even when tensions arise. What is the future version of yourself? Thinking, feeling and doing? Her thoughts reflect her values. Her feelings are acknowledged, but not overpowering, and her reactions are aligned with the mom that she wants to be. Is the future version of yourself proud of how far she's come? Absolutely, she knows she's done the work. It's been uncomfortable to get there and it shows in the way her preteens feel safe and secure coming to her Now. Let's bring this version back to today.

Speaker 2: 4:27

The gap between who you are now and the future version of yourself is bridged by one powerful concept learning to be with discomfort. Your protective brain is designed to shield you from discomfort and it uses quick fixes to do so. When your preteen pushes your boundaries and your buttons, the protective brain kicks into high gear, using, for example, yelling to regain control, retreating into silence to avoid the situation or trying to fix your child's behavior immediately to make yourself feel better. Your brain is wired to seek safety and comfort. Discomfort, whether it's frustration, fear or helplessness, feeling threatened, even though it isn't truly harmful. But these quick fixes don't align with your long-term goals. They might offer relief in the moment, but they weaken your emotional muscle. Each time you yell or you react impulsively, you are reinforcing a pattern, a pattern that doesn't serve you or your child. Now imagine this the next time you feel the urge or the surge of frustration bubbling up, you pause Instead of reacting. You choose to be with the discomfort. You allow yourself to feel the tension. You acknowledge the tension and you breathe slowly through it without the need to act on it. This practice is like lifting weights at the gym. This practice is like lifting weights at the gym. Every time you choose to be with the discomfort instead of reacting to it, you're strengthening your emotional muscle. Over time, you will notice that what once felt overwhelming is now manageable. You will realize that sitting with discomfort is the price you pay for becoming the future version of yourself.

Speaker 2: 6:50

Picture a scenario that would normally set you off your preteen is rolling their eyes or snapping back with attitude. But today, instead of reacting, you feel the discomfort rise, but you don't fight it or try to escape from it. You take a deep breath and stay present. You might think this is hard, but you also remind yourself this is what growth feels like. Slowly, the intensity of that frustration passes. You respond with calm and clarity, asking your preteen what's really going on or setting a boundary without raising your voice. Now fast forward. A year from now. The mom you've worked to become looks back at moments like these with pride. She smiles, feeling her heart expand as she recognizes the emotional strength she's built. Life hasn't gotten easier. There are still eye rolls you are getting attitude from your child and challenges, but this mom, this new version of yourself, no longer reacts impulsively. Instead, she responds with calm, confidence she's worked hard to cultivate. In my program, we call this elevation Elevation beyond being triggered. It's like you when a situation arises, you are able to see yourself outside of your body. You are able to see your old version of you getting all riled up, but the newer version of you looks at the situation, which is usually your child's behavior. You look at that situation with grace and kindness. We call that elevation. So here are a few practical steps for building emotional muscle, the.

Speaker 2: 9:02

The first step I've been teaching this for a while now on this podcast is to do your thought downloads. A thought download is when you write down. You take five minutes to write down the sentences that you have in your head there and then everything that you have you put it down and you just write it down and then, after writing down on a sheet of paper, you go back and put F or T. F means facts. A fact is something that happened outside of your control. You have no control over it. It happened. In this case it can be maybe your child refused to do their homework for the third night in a row, or maybe they yelled at you, whatever. Something that is that happened outside of your control. It's a fact, it's a situation, it is a circumstance. It happened something that when we go to the court of law, the judge can say it happened. It is a fact, it happened. So you write, you put F on things that are outside of your control, things that actually happened.

Speaker 2: 10:14

And when you are writing thought downloads, you do not add your opinion. I think she's being difficult, I think she doesn't respect me. That is not a fact, that is your opinion of her. So you write down this ten sentences my child refused to do homework in a third night in a row. I feel so frustrated. What is wrong with me? You just write everything that comes to your head down and you take a pencil and you write F on the facts and T on the thought. A thought is the opinion or interpretation you have of what happened. Your child refused to do their homework. The homework is not done. She did not do it. That is a fact. But what do you think about that fact? You write T on that. That's a thought. You write T. This builds awareness. This practice of doing thought downloads builds awareness and allows you to choose your response. Response.

Speaker 2: 11:21

The second practical step you can do is to learn to engage your thinking brain. You have to go to a place where you see your future self, the future version of the mom you want to be. Ask yourself what would she think, feel and do in this moment, when something happens? After you have done your self-downloads, go to that future place and ask yourself what will the future version of me, what would they do in this situation right now? This practice helps you align your actions with your values. Practice helps you align your actions with your values.

Speaker 2: 12:09

The third practice, or practical step, is to sit with the discomfort when you feel triggered. Pause. Notice the discomfort in your body when something happens in your body, when something happens outside of you and you have done your self downloads and you, for example, think my child refused to do her homework. This is the third night we are having this discussion of a conversation about homework. I think she's being. She doesn't respect me. Let me say that is the thought that you came up with. She doesn't respect me. Let me say that is the thought that you came up with. She doesn't respect me.

Speaker 2: 12:46

Move out of your head and go into your body. Scan your body. How does discomfort, how does disrespect feel? You think she doesn't respect you and you feel, maybe frustration or angry. How does anger or frustration feel in your body? Is it a tightness in your chest? Is your head spinning? Is your throat dry? Do you feel like ants or insects or bugs are crawling under your skin? You move into your body and try to locate where anger is. Are you flushed in your face? Is your face red? For people who are light-skinned, their faces may become red when they feel anger. Is your face red? How does that feel like?

Speaker 2: 13:37

You take a few moments and sit with that and examine it and I like to put my hand on my on the side of my heart. When I'm feeling maybe anger or frustration. If I feel a knot in my chest, I like to put my arm there. If it is the stomach, I like to put my other hand there and feel what is this like? How it feels like if there's a knot there, it's tightening, maybe like a rope, maybe it made a noose like. Try to be in your body, because that is where our feelings vibrate. Dr Joe Dispenza says that thoughts are the language of the brain and feelings are the language of the body. So when you feel something, try to calm in your body, go down in your body and try to locate what is going on. Is your throat dry? Is there a knot in your chest? Is your heart pumping. Are you red in the face, around the cheeks? Do you have a knot in your stomach? Is it tightening like a noose?

Speaker 2: 14:49

Pay attention to what is going on and research shows that if we let ourselves be with whatever sensation is moving around, it will usually pass between 60 and 90 seconds. That cessation will pass If we allow it to be there. It will pass, and then our thinking brain will come back online. So see it with your discomfort, go in your body, try to scan to see where you feel anger or frustration or overwhelm, and then sit with it, describe it. Try to describe it, for example, to a child. If a five-year-old asked you how does anger feel like? You describe it to yourself like oh, I feel something tight in my chest, my face is red, I can see my cheeks are red, I feel a knot in my stomach, I feel like my skin is under fire. My skin is burning. It's like under fire. You try to describe it and by the time you're done, it is past. So when you let yourself, the problem is we don't let it pass. We interrupt it with other things. Maybe we go back in our brain, maybe we try to eat. We interrupt that cycle and it does not get. It does not go away.

Speaker 2: 16:17

Picture the ocean or the sea or the lake when there are waves. The waves start out very strong in the middle of the sea. Somewhere there, by the time they reach the shore, they are starting to lose their momentum. That is how emotions feel when we let them pass. When they start, they are very intense, but when we let them pass, they lose their momentum or their energy.

Speaker 2: 16:41

The fourth practical step to help you become build your emotional muscle is to practice, just like driving or lifting weights in the gym. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. The more you practice doing your thought downloads, the more you practice engaging your thinking brain. When something happens this is the most important part when a situation arises and you have thoughts about it, and then you feel a certain way in your body and you let yourself be uncomfortable. When your thinking brain comes back online, you choose how to respond to that situation that happened, and many times moms worry that when they choose, maybe they will not be strict with their kids, maybe they will not set boundaries, maybe their children will become bratty and spoiled. No, no, no, no. When you let yourself respond, you come from a place of love.

Speaker 2: 17:49

If your child is not doing their homework, you can take their phone away. I have done that and I usually say I'm very happy to give you your phone back after you have done the homework or whatever thing they have to do. But I'm not coming from anger energy. I see this phone is a big distraction for you. It's getting in your way Instead of doing homework. I can see this phone Because I know phones are very addictive. So I understand why kids don't put down their phones. I hardly do it myself, so I'm taking this phone away. When you have done with the homework or whatever thing it is they're supposed to do, I'm happy to give you your phone back. But you can't do that when you're coming from anger. You can't use a response like that when you're coming from anger. It's the same thing but we are using different emotions. Maybe here I'll use understanding. I understand phones are addictive. I understand there are all these apps, there are all these games on. I understand it's hard to put your phone down. I totally do. So I'm taking it when you're done with your homework, when you're done cleaning, when you're done removing the mess you promised you would. I'm happy to give you your phone back. Same situation, different emotion and different way of so.

Speaker 2: 19:09

Practice doing your thought downloads. They will show you what you're thinking and what is a fact and what is your opinion about. A fact, because sometimes we think thoughts are facts. I think this child is disrespectful. That is not a fact. Disrespectful, that is not a fact because if we take the same situation to another mom, the other mom will may not think she's disrespectful at all. If you think your child is spoiled as if you think it is a fact that your child is spoiled and we take, we ask another parent the same situation, they might not, they might not agree that they are spoiled, but if you have homework here that is not done and you ask the other mom, the other mom will say, yeah, totally, the homework isn't done. So many times we get caught up in our opinions and we think they are facts and then we show up from that.

Speaker 2: 20:09

Practice your thought downloads. Engage your thinking brain. After you have let yourself be uncomfortable, you choose your response to what has happened. And when you choose your response from your thinking brain, your response will most likely align with your values as your future self. And then keep practicing that. Keep practicing that.

Speaker 2: 20:38

It's like learning to build muscle. You can't lift a dumbbell one time and say I built muscle already. You have to keep doing it. You have to keep doing it. You have to consistently lift that dumbbell if you want to build muscle. It is the same thing Consistent thought downloads, consistent contact with your thinking brain and consistent sitting.

Speaker 2: 21:07

With discomfort being uncomfortable, it's not dangerous. It feels very awful, especially if you are new, but it is totally harmless. By learning to see it with discomfort, you're not just stopping yelling or reacting. In the moment, you're creating a new way of being the mom you envision. A year from now will thank you for choosing growth over comfort in the moment, and when you look back on your journey, you will feel your heart expand, knowing you've become the mother your child can trust and turn to, no matter what life throws your way.

Speaker 2: 21:51

Thank you so much for listening today, as of recording this episode will be the last one in 2024. I want to take a note to appreciate you for listening. I wish you a peaceful 2025 and a year of good health, because health is wealth. Keep working on yourself. Keep creating the environment you want for your child. Talk to you again next year? Bye for now. What if you could feel in control of your reactions, even when your preteen is pushing all your buttons? I know it's tough, but I would love to help. That's why I created the year-less formula. If you want to stop, or at least reduce yearling and really build that connection that you want with your child, I would be honored to work with you. Just head over to wwwmasteryourownwellbeingcom. Forward slash coaching to grab a spot for a complimentary call to get a feel of what coaching is and how coaching works. Coaching will help you manage your reactions. Wwwmasteryourownwellbeingcom. Forward slash coaching. See you there, Thank you.

Speaker 1: 23:45

Thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Your time means the world to us. If you found this episode valuable, we would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.