The Dark Thought No Mom Admits—It’s This

 Picture this: You’re sitting in a quiet room with your child, watching as their shoulders tense, their gaze drifts, or their frustration builds. The weight of these moments presses down on you, making you feel powerless, uncertain, maybe even alone. 

But what if, instead of resisting them, you leaned in? What if these very moments—though painful and unpredictable—held the key to something deeper?

In this heartfelt episode of Motherhood from the Brain, we tackle the hidden traps of longing for a picture-perfect family life—the unrealistic vision that keeps you stuck in frustration. 

Instead, you’ll train your mind to see, appreciate, and embrace the reality in front of you, so you can find peace and patience in your role as a mother.

 Whether you're navigating the heartbreak of a child choosing to live with another parent or shouldering blame in difficult circumstances, you have the power to turn these moments into catalysts for change and healing.

Let’s walk this path of acceptance and connection together—one moment, one shift, one breakthrough at a time. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Motherhood from the Brain, a podcast guiding moms of preteen girls on how to navigate emotional challenges that are not addressed in school. We share real stories, expert advice and brain-based methods for handling tough moments. Discover insights to create a deeper connection with your preteen and improve your motherhood journey. Let's tackle the uncharted territory of parenting together, hosted by professional, certified coach, esther Babazi.

Speaker 2: 0:37

Before we begin, I want to share a brief disclaimer. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist or any other licensed mental health professional. On this podcast, motherhood and the Brain, I share what has personally helped me improve my mental and emotional well-being. My hope is that by sharing my experiences I might help even one mother out there who is struggling. Hello there, mom. Welcome to another episode of the Motherhood and the Brain podcast, episode number 48. My name is Esther Mbabazi.

Speaker 2: 1:22

Let's take a deep breath together. I would like you to imagine something for a moment, dr Mbabazi. Let's take a deep breath together. I would like you to imagine something for a moment. You're sitting in a room with your child. Maybe they are sick, maybe they feel angry, maybe they have pulled away and you're left wondering how things went so far off track. You might have thought this child would be sweet, easygoing and full of joy, but instead you're facing challenges that you never anticipated. Maybe your child has chosen to live with the other parent, or they blame you for things, things you can't control, or maybe things that are your fault. You feel helpless. You feel helpless, defeated and alone. You've probably cried more nights than you can count and just wish things were different. But what if I told you that this moment, as tough as it is, could be the key to a turning point? It is could be the key to a turning point. This moment could be a moment when you realize something powerful. What if, instead of fighting the situation, you could shift the way you look at things? Just enough to see things differently, just enough for you to believe that this can be the moment where things start to change, even if everything feels broken right now.

Speaker 2: 3:16

Many of us sometimes look at our children or our relationships and we think if only things were different. If only my child were not angry at me all the time, if only they didn't pull away, if only they didn't blame me for everything, if only my child was not sick, if only I had a healthier child, if only I had had a boy, if only I had had a baby girl instead of a boy, or the opposite. There are so many things that we see and wonder how things would have worked out. Our brains love to convince us that if only that one thing were different, we would feel better, we would be better people, we would be better mothers. But the challenge is our brains are wired to keep looking for something else, looking for something else.

Speaker 2: 4:27

If your child were healthier, or if your child wanted to spend more time with you, if your child didn't choose to go live with her dad, if you had had a girl child, if you had had a boy, if you had had two, if you had had five, if you hadn't had any children, your brain will always find something else to focus on. That isn't quite right. It's a trap that pulls us deeper into frustration, overwhelm, sadness, bitterness you name it. What if, instead of focusing on what you don't have, you start looking at what you do have? Right now, at this moment, you have a child or children in front of you. Maybe they are not the child or children you imagined, but they are the children or child that you have. And while that might feel painful, it is also an invitation. It is a chance to step into a new reality, a reality where you start showing up for your child just as they are, just as they are, and through that you can begin to find peace, patience and a new way forward. This is where the journey begins.

Speaker 2: 5:54

You see, we often get caught up in the imaginary child, the one who was supposed to be easygoing, the one who would always be that close, the one who would be our partner in life, the one who doesn't spend more days at the doctor's office or in the hospital than they do at home, than they do at home, the one who we share shoes with, the one who welcomes us home with a warm hug instead of a yelling match. But the thing is, you are not in a relationship with that imaginary child. You are in a relationship with the child, or the children that you have right now. When you stop fighting who they are and start accepting them as they are, for who they are, that's when the real magic happens. That's when you begin to connect with them in ways that matter to you. And yes, I know and I understand it's heartbreaking, but here is what I want you to consider. Nothing has gone wrong. This is the reality that you're living in, and you're doing the best that you can with what you know and what you have. You have not failed. You're simply navigating a tough situation. But here is the most important part you get to choose how you move forward. You can look at this moment and believe that something can change. You can believe that the relationship you've been hoping for is still possible, even if it doesn't look the way you expected it to. So what if, instead of thinking if only things were different, you asked yourself how can I love this child with everything that I have, right where they are, the way they are? What if, instead of holding on to the child you thought you would have, you embraced the one you actually have? I want to take this a step further, because I know this is tough.

Speaker 2: 8:17

Our thoughts and our emotional patterns shape everything that we experience. Have you ever noticed how the way you think about someone changes how you feel about them? Think about it. You can feel warmth and love for someone you've never even met. You can feel warmth and love for someone you've never even met or someone who is no longer in your life, simply because of how you choose to think about them and notice. I said the word choose, even though it doesn't seem like it, but we always choose what we think about. It's not about them being there. It's how you think about them that creates the experience in your body. And your thoughts are the starting point. They shape your emotions, and those emotions fuel the actions that you take or you don't take. This is the heart of what we talk about on this podcast how our thinking leads to how we feel, and how we feel leads to the actions that we take or don't take.

Speaker 2: 9:35

And when we choose to think differently, we can begin to shift how we feel, to think differently. We can begin to shift how we feel when you look at your child and feel anger, frustration or guilt or overwhelm or disdain. Those feelings are rooted in your thinking about the situation that you're in. But here is the secret and this was mind-blowing for me when I learned this, when I was taught this those feelings, the feelings that you feel, the anger, the frustration, the guilt, the overwhelm, the disdain those feelings are yours. You are the one who feels them. Your child does not feel your anger, your guilt, your frustration, your overwhelm. These feelings are in your own body. They are not in your child's body. So when you feel anger, it's because you're thinking thoughts that lead to anger.

Speaker 2: 10:37

At the same time, when you feel love and compassion and understanding, it is because you are thinking thoughts that are producing love and compassion and understanding. When you think warm, loving thoughts about your child, even in difficult moments, you will feel that love. You will feel that warmth in your own body, and that compassion that you feel shows up in how you act toward your child or children. You act toward your child or children, so how can you challenge yourself to look at your child's behavior through a different lens? What if, instead of feeling stuck in pain, you choose to think thoughts that lead to peace and calm? Because you will feel the peace, you will feel the calm. What if I told you, or what if you told yourself, that I'm doing the best I can with the child that I have right now? And this moment does not define me or my future. Here's the important thing to remember when you feel love, you're the one who experiences that feeling, not your child. You get to choose what you feel based on what you think. When you shift your thoughts, you also shift the way you feel. You don't have to wait for your child to change to start feeling better. You can start today by choosing to think in a way that makes you feel more peaceful, more love and more connection.

Speaker 2: 12:36

What would it feel like to look at your child or children, even through all the struggles, and feel love for them without the pain attached to it? That's the journey I invite you to take on, and I believe wholeheartedly that this is possible for you. Take a deep breath. This might feel hard, but I just want you to know you are not stuck. You have everything you need inside of you to begin this journey. You can do this. I believe in you. Thank you for listening. Talk to you again soon. Bye for now.

Speaker 2: 13:22

What if you could feel in control of your reactions, even when your preteen is pushing all your buttons? I know it's tough, but I would love to help. That's why I created the year-less formula. If you want to stop, or at least reduce, yearling and really build that connection that you want with your child, I would be honored to work with you. Just head over to wwwmasteryourownwellbeingcom forward slash coaching to grab a spot for a complimentary call to get a feel of what coaching is and how coaching works. Coaching will help you manage your reactions. Wwwmasteryourownwellbeingcom forward slash coaching. See you there. Thank you.

Speaker 1: 14:32

Thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Your time means the world to us. If you found this episode valuable, we would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.