How Motherhood Expectations Shape Our Reactions

 Ever found yourself asking, “Why do I keep yelling at my kids?” Or maybe, after a rough moment with your preteen, you’ve whispered to yourself, “I yelled at my child and feel horrible.” If that’s you—this episode is for you. 

Today we’re talking about what’s really going on underneath those moments where you snap, shut down, or walk away in silence. (Spoiler: it’s not because you’re a bad mom.) 

We’ll explore: 

• Why your nervous system reacts the way it does when your preteen slams doors or argues about screen time
• The truth behind mom guilt and how it’s tied to generational patterns
• What to do when you feel stuck in survival mode
• How to begin breaking toxic parenting cycles—without needing to be perfect
• Why you’re not failing, even if you’re constantly Googling, “How do I stop feeling like a terrible mom?”

This isn’t just about tips. It’s about real understanding, compassion, and reclaiming your calm—so you can show up the way you want to. And no, that doesn’t mean being endlessly patient or never raising your voice. It means learning how to pause, respond, and care for yourself in the middle of it all.
 

Chapters

• 0:01 Introduction to Motherhood From the Brain
• 1:28 Invisible Scripts of Motherhood
• 3:20 How Your Brain Responds to Threats
• 7:04 Breaking Generational Patterns
• 10:04 Benefits of Coaching for Mothers
• 13:32 Investing in Your Wellbeing
• 17:02 Closing and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Motherhood from the Brain, a podcast guiding moms of preteen girls on how to navigate emotional challenges that are not addressed in school. We share real stories, expert advice and brain-based methods for handling tough moments. Discover insights to create a deeper connection with your preteen and improve your motherhood journey. Let's tackle the uncharted territory of parenting together, hosted by professional, certified coach, esther Babazi.

Speaker 2: 0:37

Before we begin, I want to share a brief disclaimer. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist or any other licensed mental health professional. On this podcast, motherhood and the Brain, I share what has personally helped me improve my mental and emotional well-being. My hope is that by sharing my experiences I might help even one mother out there who is struggling. Hello there, mom, mother, my trovia world calls me mother sometimes and I don't like it. That's just my opinion. Welcome back to another episode of the Mother who Let Her Brain podcast. This is episode number 58 and my name is Esther Mbabazi.

Speaker 2: 1:28

Have you ever caught yourself snapping, yelling, putting your needs most last, and then you thought to yourself why am I like this? Most of us never stop to ask where our habits and reactions actually come from. We were handed a script, an invisible script, from the moment we were born, a script of what it means to be a good girl, a good woman, a good mom, a good wife, spouse, everything, girlfriend. And we follow this script without realizing that it is a script. In the first place, we don't question it, not because we are weak or unaware, but because that is what systems do. But because that is what systems do. They shape us, they shape the air we breathe so completely that we do not even see what is going on.

Speaker 2: 2:33

And this is what this episode is about today. It is about what we call inherited power structures. Inherited power structures weave themselves into motherhood. They weave themselves into how we care, how we show up, how we fall apart. They are everywhere, and the moment you start noticing them is when where your power begins. Inherited power structures define the ideal mother as an endless patient, selfless, smiling and available mom. She doesn't need rest, she doesn't get angry, she doesn't ask for help.

Speaker 2: 3:25

So when you are snapping, yelling, when you feel resentful or you feel like you're drowning in guilt, it feels like you are the problem. But I'm here to tell you you are not failing. You are reacting to impossible standards that were never made for human beings, especially women, who do it mostly alone. You have been trained to believe that you should do it like motherhood or work career, everything without help. You have been trained, consciously and unconsciously, to put everyone else's needs above yours always. You have been trained to not get angry. You have been trained to not spend money on yourself.

Speaker 2: 4:17

And here is where it gets tricky. You are encouraged to spend money, but only in ways that make you more presentable to others. For example, fix your hair, get your nails done, buy that outfit that you saw in the store, go to the gym all these things. And, to be honest, there is nothing wrong with tending to the outside. Looking good can make you feel good, and that matters too. But let's be honest no amount of fixing outside can fix what is breaking down on the inside. You can have polished nails and still feel like a failing mother and still feel like a failing mother. You can have a new outfit, but that will not quiet the guilt that comes after you yell at your child and see their frightened face. Looking together on the outside does not heal the parts of you that are barely holding it together. That kind of healing, the kind that actually changes how you show up, happens on the inside, and that requires support.

Speaker 2: 5:32

Here's what is often overlooked your brain, your beautiful human brain, is not working against you. Your beautiful human brain is just trying to protect you. When your preteen slams the door and says things under their breath, when your child urges for the third time about screen time and household chores, when you feel like no one listens and you've repeated yourself all evening, your brain picks up those moments as threats. Feel like no one listens and you've repeated yourself all evening. Your brain picks up those moments as threats, not physical threats, but emotional and psychological ones. So when your brain perceives a threat, it activates a stress response you yell, you shut down, you walk away, sitting and silent.

Speaker 2: 6:32

That is not because you're a bad mother. This is because your body and brain are overwhelmed, often from years and years, even generations, of carrying more than what one person should ever carry. When you've been consciously and unconsciously told to be the one who keeps the peace, who smooths everything over, the one who does not get angry, your brain has nowhere to send frustration and pain. So frustration, pain, overwhelm, anger, everything come out sideways. And every distress of motherhood raising families, their mood swings, resistance, eye rolls become the perfect storm. And here is something else. Your own parents were handed the same storm. And here is something else your own parents were handed the same scripts. My own parents were handed the same scripts.

Speaker 2: 7:40

I just want to be clear that this does not excuse harmful behavior or erase the pain you may have experienced, but it adds to context. Your parents weren't taught how to regulate or speak with empathy. Your parents weren't allowed to rest, to ask for help or to name their own needs. Your parents didn't have the language for mental health. Your parents didn't have the language for mental health, boundaries or trauma. So what they passed down wasn't personal, it was structural.

Speaker 2: 8:14

And when we see that, we stop blaming. We stop blaming not to let them off the hook, but to free ourselves from carrying that resentment into future generations. We free ourselves from carrying resentment further into our children or we prevent our children from carrying resentment from past generations. And this is why compassion matters. A lot of the work we do in my program is about compassion and grace, because without compassion we just keep repeating the same cycles of judgment towards our parents and their parents, and ourselves and our children. When we understand what is going on below the surface, then we can start to change it.

Speaker 2: 9:15

If you don't address what's going on underneath, you keep spinning the same cycle. You try harder, you burn out, you react with anger, you spiral into guilt, you promise yourself to do better tomorrow, but nothing changes. And when you don't fix this, here's what is at risk you find yourself snapping over the smallest things and instead of feeling close to your kids, they start walking on eggshells around you. You don't recognize yourself anymore. I have had this I don't know so many times Mothers who say I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't like the person I am. They feel constantly drained, buried under guilt and resentful. Your body feels like it is always on the edge. Your heart is racing, muscles tense up, like calm is always out of reach for you. When you do not fix this, you pass it down to your children. You pass down the same patterns you swore you would break the yelling, the silence, the shaming. From the outside everything looks fine, but behind closed doors it's a constant swirl of tension, guilt and tears.

Speaker 2: 10:39

So coaching helps you break this non-stop cycle. Not by fixing you, but by helping you understand you better, helping you access that part of you that knows what kind of mother you want to be. We all have that in us. It just needs polishing. The same way, gold and diamond are polished because they are very rough metals, but they are polished and made to shine the way they are. So it is the same thing. We all know the kind of mom that we want to be. We know that Everybody. Many women know that. But what they need is support and help to bring that outside, to bring it to shine a spotlight to that, and when you do that, you notice the unconscious stories shaping your reactions.

Speaker 2: 11:39

You learn to pause instead of reacting with anger and yelling. You respond with clarity, even when your preteen is having a full-blown meltdown. You regulate yourself in real time and you become the mother that you want. The most important thing is, you learn how to trust yourself again. This is not about becoming a perfect mother or a better mother. This is about becoming a more grounded, more aware and empowered version of yourself, because when you heal, everything shifts. Your kids open up more because they feel safe in your steady presence, even when things go wrong. When you heal, your relationship with your spouse, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend improves. Your household becomes calmer. You stop spiraling in guilt and start leading from clarity. Your children learn to handle their own emotions with confidence because they have seen how you do it. This is not about you. This is about what your children see. It's about the home that you are building and the future that you are shaping.

Speaker 2: 13:21

You might be thinking you know, I can't afford that. Coaching is expensive. True, and in this economy things cost. But I want you to ask yourself. But I want you to ask yourself what is it costing you not to fix this situation? Maybe you feel you think it is selfish to spend that kind of money on yourself, and that is not your fault, to be honest. Like I said, we have been told that our needs are optional. We have been told that spending on our own healing is indulgent, while spending on our families, on our kids' sports gear, on the summer camp, on this and that and the other doing those things is seen as noble.

Speaker 2: 14:14

But when you want to invest money in your own well-being, to improve your mental health, you have to justify it. You lie in bed, coiling away, tossing and turning, trying to justify money to spend on your own well-being, own well-being. So I just want to ask you what if investing in yourself is actually one of the most generous things you can do for your family? Because when you feel calm, grounded and emotionally safe, everything changes. You stop reacting, you stop snapping, you stop shrinking, you stop reacting, you stop snapping, you stop shrinking, you stop trying to meet impossible standards. You start modeling something new to your family. So the real question becomes what is the cost of not investing in yourself? You were never meant to be a mother who only operates from survival mode. You are never meant to be the mother who silences her own needs and puts everyone else ahead of her own needs, and you are never meant to do this alone. Choose to invest in your own healing, because when you do, you win and everybody else wins. Thank you so much for listening today. Talk to you again next week. Bye for now.

Speaker 2: 15:52

What if you could feel in control of your reactions, even when your preteen is pushing all your buttons? I know it's tough, but I would love to help. That's why I created the year-less formula. If you want to stop, or at least reduce yearling and really build that connection that you want with your child, I would be honored to work with you. Just head over to wwwmasteryourownwellbeingcom forward slash coaching to grab a spot for a complimentary call to get a feel of what coaching is and how coaching works. Coaching will help you manage your reactions. Wwwmasteryourownwellbeingcom forward slash coaching. See you there. Thank you.

Speaker 1: 17:06

Thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Your time means the world to us. If you found this episode valuable, we would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.